tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15102108627853661632024-03-05T22:09:48.513+08:00the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.comBlogger601125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-80564003909331028432022-02-14T16:26:00.004+08:002022-02-14T17:13:51.715+08:00Stay positive, but not for this one. <div style="text-align: justify;">I remembered somewhere around this date last year, I wrote a post after I've exhausted all my lists to do while staying isolated in a room as I was a close contact to someone at work. Here I am fast forward one year later, I am tested positive with Covid-19. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjjgN53JD_04XFBjLRRZkBvRyXGbdN1LOVLv85OW_tGlW-xFLPPloQbc0Z9_vlDzK-CtRLPqax7YBgCmvCAdWAMTvTxINOdoxrub9wIVeVgmojR7wWf_dmU60Q9Fky0bsx6Kp-QKLCkNRmgvRCNxBRiJYF_eLhD19lCdkSWS_qC97OYTYQekDkp_tXM6g=s935" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="457" data-original-width="935" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjjgN53JD_04XFBjLRRZkBvRyXGbdN1LOVLv85OW_tGlW-xFLPPloQbc0Z9_vlDzK-CtRLPqax7YBgCmvCAdWAMTvTxINOdoxrub9wIVeVgmojR7wWf_dmU60Q9Fky0bsx6Kp-QKLCkNRmgvRCNxBRiJYF_eLhD19lCdkSWS_qC97OYTYQekDkp_tXM6g=s16000" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Confused. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">If you asked me what's my initial response would be. I am confused. Partly because I had my RTK done every other day since the first day of self isolation as a close contact. It was negative all the way, come to think I can't really tell that I was symptomatic or somewhere in the borderline. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><u>Symptoms. </u></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I was lethargic, but I was thinking that was due to work and I haven't had a proper rest since the beginning of the year or the end of last year. But this time it felt extra. I mean I wasn't doing much but my body wasn't cooperating. I found myself browsing bekam angin or all other sorts of remedies to rejuvenate the body. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I have slight sore throats and occasional chest pain. Occasional sharp pain on the head part too. I think growing up I've been either blessed/cursed that I rarely got super sick or perhaps its just my coping mechanism or cells related seems to be immuned. A blessing in disguise indeed. So I rarely had those migraines , sore throats or even fever. Its either they're hard on me or there's none. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">This time around they are all , vague. I am neither too sick or too well. One day I woke up and had slight sore throats , I thought it was due to the used 20,000 words average per day. I perhaps spoke 5000 words extra that day. Just when I felt funny with myself, I had my rtk test, via the nostrils swabbing because apparently I ate very well , as I was menstruating so I don't trust my saliva HA-HA. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">They turned out negative and I was meh, lets continue living. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I can't do much while isolating , like usual. I was thinking about the people I put behind the bars, now that I am attached to a session court where imprisonment doesn't revolve around months anymore, they went up minimum of years in prison. Every time I felt the urge of complaining, I stopped and wonder just how blessed I am at the very moment. I can eat, I can play , I am having the room all by myself or sometimes with the cats invading the space. Couldn't ask for more and I deleted that whiny tweet, continued living , browsing boring Netflix lists and sleep again, as I was really tired. Of doing nothing apparently. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">But it seems like my very obvious symptom was , I peed less. I don't drink as much. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">When I was in Spain, I had a roadtrip with 9 friends and at every stop we made, or if we're stopping , me and this one friend by name of AA hehe will definitely made a toilet trip. It was so frequent that we call each other ASEOS FRIEND, aseos is toilet in spanish. Aseos friend is basically friends that went to toilet together, very frequent I must say. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Mana taknya, lepas pergi toilet, minum bergelen air, lepastu nak pergi toilet, lepastu minum air bergelen * me lecturing my memories.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Which means, I go to the toilet at </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">every.single.opportunity. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I sometimes got mad with myself for the urge to make countless of toilet trips. I am always super pissed with myself for that reason, I blabbed all the way to the toilet like WHY AGAIN YOU WENT TO THE TOILET ALREADY FEW MINUTES AGO. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Strangely, while I am down with Covid, I don't do toilet trip that much. I was very jubilant if I can go outside the room just to pee as my radius of isolation is limited to my room and the toilet as I don't have one attached to my room. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Going out of the room is the source of my happiness !!! </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">But guess who doesn't feel the urge to frequently pee, <span style="font-size: large;">ME !!! </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">So I don't go out as much, I was clearly not happy. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">* I lied, I didn't even realise this until I was informed that my pcr tested positive HA HA</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I remembered one day I was sitting and looking at the water bottled that rolled to the edge of the bed, wondered the last time I drink anything... </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I don't drink much, I don't pee much. I only realised this when I was filling in the data for tested Positive people in the symptoms section. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I lost count / track of the time. Yesterday I thought I was still in the evening setting , but it was nearly 11 pm at night. It was my seventh day of self isolation. I had my gelang pink and swabbed by KKM on the 10th. Received the news on the 13th morning, which was yesterday. Initially my colleague received the news 12th morning. Mine came in bit late, to which I thought, late news means good news which was clearly not the case. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I had fill all the relevant information yesterday, some symptoms started to grow stronger yesterday, I was feeling feverish (as Melaka people said as dedau ) , I had two solubles and I was feeling extra lethargic. My head hurts - my voice hoarse. My sisters room is very convenient with everything , there's toilet , there's perfumes, there's hair oil , there's oxymeter and extra sunlight as opposed to mine. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Oh snap, the reason I am writing this down was initially to share some of the things I learnt to gather myself in this period of self isolation. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><u>Gathering yourself.</u></b></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I unnecessarily shower more frequent than usual.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I am quickie when it comes to shower, but being in quarantine time, I took my time with shampooing , conditioning , washing my face and I spare some time analysing shower foams. I had those luxuries of time doing masking, oiling my hair, utilising perfumes my sister had in her room, to make sure I stayed fresh. Because being lethargic defeated me and I don't accept easy defeats HA-HA. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I moved around in the limited space, I sometimes looked outside the window , envying the birds flying in the sky. I haven't sleep with my cats for two days now. I am afraid I may pass the virus to them. I hope they would still recognise me after this period ends. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I tried my best to drink a lot of plain water. Drinking water is not a problem for me but its apparent that now I drink less, its a struggle to keep my water intake good. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Seek for support system. In my case I am blessed that I stayed home, my parents took a great care of me, especially with keeping me alive with foods and all sorts of traditional remedies. My siblings offered an extend length of supports too. I am surely very entertained with their hardly churned lame jokes. Though I love resting * I mean who doesn't, a very long rest and not being able to stay occupied with work, makes me feel very lonely and clingy. I thanked AF for keeping up with my emotional need(y). </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Received thoughtful messages and tips from people who went through this , which I am very grateful for. Anyhow I must say that my symptoms are rather mild or categorised at Cat 1 or Cat 2A, occasionally breaching the borderline to 2B. It was still hard to tell. help.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I may not know how exactly these might be related, but I got my booster shot back in November last year. So anyone who's reading , who don't have much scientific knowledge, who relied upon testimonies as opposed to official researches, I'll encourage you to get boosted too. Getting vaccines doesn't make you immune per se as the virus alone is still developing and mutating itself, but I do believe that we are very responsible to keep the community safe, one of the way is to create a herd immunity. Herd needs a lot of people , one person taking it while ten others refusing doesn't help.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">AND Another important note would be, </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Mysejahtera apps came really handy these days, make sure you update the assessment daily to check your Covid category, it's like having someone checking on you asking whether you're developing any symptoms. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The symptoms you had can varied throughout the day, you can feel feverish in the day and later in the evening it was not there anymore , and your cough came and say hi, stayed in your throat for a moment. So tick accordingly ! </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Do it while you're awake and ready, my colleague did the assessment and ticked Rasa Nak Pitam as yes, the hospitals called them straight away. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Keep your phone next to you, off those silent modes as there might be people from KKM calling to do contact tracing, or the robot calling to remind you , your health status. I mean that's very sweet and thoughtful too, as we need humans to set those robots isn't it???!! </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I may be updating this from time to time, to share and to let you know, you will get through this! because many had assured me that I will get through this, I am sharing the same to you !</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">so, </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">it goes without saying that you're positive but its hard to get yourself stays positive *mentally neither physically. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">the only positive we're all avoiding. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhMYVlH5Vl9j8WLVwkCvjvK4mtpmZN3wefKRVHEKkctbrhSq8G0jprB2oAyNpnKviOQwDWKhDPAMUq5jCQ4trZwWTSQugvq6qV9oxCkILacp-yNMwpR-UnimEYO_3EoP9s8Ys4IIRXzZVdFAXHqLbKLDI5TlggzfGZEBrEjssznpYWsopaEZISn9_2_Jg=s1024" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhMYVlH5Vl9j8WLVwkCvjvK4mtpmZN3wefKRVHEKkctbrhSq8G0jprB2oAyNpnKviOQwDWKhDPAMUq5jCQ4trZwWTSQugvq6qV9oxCkILacp-yNMwpR-UnimEYO_3EoP9s8Ys4IIRXzZVdFAXHqLbKLDI5TlggzfGZEBrEjssznpYWsopaEZISn9_2_Jg=s16000" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this was taken a week back, its hard to say this but I miss working. but, I am taking this resting period positively. </td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">sekian. tqvm. HA-HA </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div> Love, the'ann</div>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-72946721467755048442022-01-22T23:35:00.004+08:002022-01-22T23:35:59.953+08:00They said its twenty twenty TOO haha <div style="text-align: justify;">Well of course, as usual , my introduction for every post for the past two years has been pretty constant and the same - Been. A. While. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">How even we’re in 2020 too ( pun intended ) already…</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I cant believe it myself that I am telling everyone hi I am Anis I am 28 this year? Felt surreal and in denial too. Until and unless we reach the fifth month of the year , I shall be deemed and remain as 27 years old. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I had a very hectic start in 2022. Even at the very moment I am writing this down , I am still weighed down by the hecticness, never felt so happy that its finally weekend ( tipuuuu haha ) , okay I am always happy when its weekend, but now I am extra happy haha…</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjp4s_mkb2AjO2e_W0mf4y2W_Gcg17LsJzzI287p0azVkPn5emykAbIoZwKn_MpSwm1MRYLyX2UQxevsVK4a3i6RK4qGhCOg4hmGC-P9t7UIk_RSWUBvxwAFPh09bO2Av5fyRrhUff9QIGIUc94DTCS_gjRvZwqTR2Ekz7PqAFPJYOkJgGuoH9W23g2Ug=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjp4s_mkb2AjO2e_W0mf4y2W_Gcg17LsJzzI287p0azVkPn5emykAbIoZwKn_MpSwm1MRYLyX2UQxevsVK4a3i6RK4qGhCOg4hmGC-P9t7UIk_RSWUBvxwAFPh09bO2Av5fyRrhUff9QIGIUc94DTCS_gjRvZwqTR2Ekz7PqAFPJYOkJgGuoH9W23g2Ug=s320" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">These creatures made my day hehe</div><br /> I has pretty laid back schedule for the last three months of 2021 which it has given me lots of ample time to get things especially the files I took over , sorted, done and dusted. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Some day those three free months were my mere past. Adjusting to the schedule , understanding the pace , re learning the style took a lot of me. My emotions were tested. I was angry with myself and the whole awkward setting , to which I realized if it continues to stay as hatred and revenge , it will bring more harm than good. So I had to learn to let go. Letting go is one thing , pretending that I am okay in that phase is another thing. Affer a while, I am getting the hang of it, I am able to make peace with whatever discomfort I am dealing with at the moment. Okay we good ? Yes we good </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I wish to put it here in writing , as it seems deserving to be here , last week it was on the 17th of January 2022 at 1.18 am I received a text , reminding me that we hit two years together. 104 weeks down the road, many Jumaat since his first introductory message conveying his intention to know me. It was really beautiful as no one ever noticed such small detail about me, about how I wanted people to slide into my DM. It was his thoughtfullness and his sensitivity towards the things that went unnoticed most of the time, caught my attention. We grew , we fought , we come back along the way, we hit out lowest , we stayed , we talked and we grew comfortable at sharing some silent moments , acknowldeging each others presence. I never thought can last this long , but he was willing to stay, not as simple as just staying but actively providing comfort , making me feel loved and the independent me was allowed , welcomed and cherished to be at my lowest ie needy etc . It felt like, a safe space.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I don’t know who will read through this but if you’re reading, can you spare some time to have us in your prayers, that Allah will unite us soon , legally for the life and hereafter. That ‘we’ are indeed predestined for each other, written for each other. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Surely 2021 was a hell ride of year, countless times in self isolation , pretty mundane nine months in lock down, it was only on October onwards, things started to change , readjusting new norms, trying to get back into life pre Covid. Of course it was never the same again , but getting back into the routine was essential. Many were demotivated , affected negatively ; which I hope there is always light at the end of the tunnel for everyone , that the light will keep them moving and accomodating them along the way. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I am glad I am back here for a moment. Reminds me of myself. That I enjoyed writing. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Till then xx</div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love, the'ann</div></div>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-41849890153932764922021-11-25T15:59:00.004+08:002021-11-25T16:02:39.957+08:00Home to where the heart resides <div style="text-align: justify;">Few days back, I went to my second assigned court being in service, where I spent most of my time there for almost two years. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Stepping in, never a strange feeling. It feels like...</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">H O M E</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Can't help but to keep resonating ' Home is where the heart resides'. My heart has been residing there, cherished and welcomed. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It feels like coming back to where your heart felt at rest. Despite it being not a place to rest. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I know for the longest time I had attachment issues going on. That departing from something that is dear to my heart takes a lot of self assurances , that everything is going to be okay...</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I was okay. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Growing up means to detach , to make peace to whatever fate you're destined to. For changes is the only constant. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I know its not a big deal to many, it doesn't involve any moving of major workstation. But heavy enough to finally reconcile to the fact that 'It's time'. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It was a safe place that I saw myself, growing up safely. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Like being in a cocoon , blossomed into hopefully a beautiful butterfly. In a place where characters and fate are being weighed and involves judgements - I learned to delay judgements. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I have seen and witness all walk of life walking in and out, many were very unfortunate ( in the eyes of a very blessed and fortunate person ) many were hurt and torn along the way that I know I had the capacity to mitigate such situation, which I hope, I did at every possible juncture. I learned the art of handling words, to be put into proper places to serve what its purpose. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">And most importantly, it's where I met very kind souls, felt undeserving for the kindness I received there. Souls that are always warm and accommodating. My days are not a 356 days of happiness and rainbows, but my days being at work at that court are really happy days. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Writing this down to be grateful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Though a simple thank you does not seems to suffice. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">but Thank You from the bottom of my heart and my all MM3. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">October '19 - September/October '21</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love, the'ann</div>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-44928110856833451252021-06-07T22:01:00.002+08:002021-06-07T22:01:30.677+08:00random random writing <div style="text-align: justify;">I haven't been writing for the longest time. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">And it was few minutes ago when I am finally able to write something close and meaningful to me, it was a long note which I wish to reiterate those here. I am quite disappointed that the writing is gone before I am able to copy that - I shall blame my puffy fingers and the lagging Facebook for this. </div><div style="text-align: justify;">Let's start shall we?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">One of the advice someone used to say during my graduation ceremony, the person said, life after graduation is so full uncertainties that you need to make sure you're able to adapt to that, able to live and breathe throughout the uncertainties period. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It was really relatable and hit me hard during my CLP time as I was seeing the people from the same batch as I am were out there securing cool positions, paid well - or at least that's how I see them. Long story cut short, I am now in the phase where everything seemed to be subtle and settled. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">That I no longer worries about savings and pennies , secured a job which currently placed me in my hometown , despite the luxury of certainty I am blessed with at the moment, it feels unsettled on the inside. Parts of me craved for the life I lived before, pre CLP of course. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I miss the feelings of changing houses and rooms each year, I love the awkward feeling of adjusting and looking for places to live. I miss the feelings of 'not settling down' , sometimes it feels morally wrong to be saying this, as I know people would've been fighting for what I am currently blessed with. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">So the writing I wrote earlier was initially aspired by a post that speaks about the necessities when it comes to job seeking in this pandemic time, where I had the privilege of witnessing someone who went through the process with very limited resources. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">From the online interviews which later led the person to move from places to places. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">sekadar selingan sementara <i>*screaming for a while as I am very frustrated creature !!! I swear I wrote the most beautiful Malay writing that my soul is very proud of !!! And sadly I am not able to reiterate those inside here, which is such a shame.*</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">so witnessing to this person's transition, and to be there in every process is really pivotal to my writing today as I only realized it today that Allah has sent me this person, to indirectly cure the longing I had to the roller coaster ride/life I've lived in before. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">okay to be honest I was able to relate why I write the point below with what I wrote above, but I couldn't remember the correlation now so that's it I am done writing haha </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Maybe the thoughts I am having in this writing was initially sparked by a conversation pertaining this research of having a very simplified wardrobe - that speaks about people who choose to wear the same clothes everyday, will escape decision fatigue every morning. so the conversation was further escalated to why this person choose to wear white all the time - and I said you don't need to worry as usually after marriage , the woman will take the role of choosing the colours. Enraged by my own words, I then asked, if the woman experience decision fatigue, what does she gets in return??? [ amboi perempuan je penat ! Tak boleh jadi !!!] </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">And I think the reply is legit and very cool, too hard to deny ; <b>the joy of seeing many choices</b>. damn. very on point. such joy is indescribable </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love, the'ann</div>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-81387909766692892272021-01-30T15:16:00.000+08:002021-01-30T15:16:41.556+08:00There's goodness in it...<div style="text-align: justify;">I think this time around its really valid to say that it has been a while since I wrote something inside here. God knows just how much draft that stays there for a very long time simply because I am weighing the reasons, whether I should or shouldn't be sharing it to the public. And when I think too much contemplation were put into the consideration , I choose the safe route, which to keep those writings in the draft. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It's the 30th of January today and it's my seventh day of an official self isolation ( meaning with formal letters and permitted to be self isolating ) , when I already had a not so seriously-abiding-to-the-procedure-of-self-isolation for three days prior to the official notice. Like most of the time I'd spend my day in the room and only going out when I have to use the bathroom since my room doesn't have one. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Did the self isolation out of my conscience as I know the risk I carried for being exposed to different people from different places ( when going to court ) . I had at all cost avoided to greet my parents and families (physically) , and it has been a while now , I think since MCO started last year. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Being in self isolation period, it gave me pretty ample time to be thinking about different motions pertaining life generally. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"> I always thought that I love a very laid back kind of life, where I can sleep play eat on repeat not going anywhere stuck inside my room, as it turns out adjusting to the life I thought I loved was a bit awkward. I realized just how much I love the freedom of wandering around , even the thought of stepping outside the room going to the bathroom made me jubilant (yeay!) . </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Now that I wish my legs will go as far as my sight is at the moment, I am here writing and reflecting the freedom I never came to appreciate. As if I was already very entitled to the freedom when it was indeed a privilege. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0HRw8LIvfj5xKgyMl9tGEUx-rtunuHuQ9cuZIg8Wm06nCIchKJHr9CpAhlerLvm8MHSZU0_Qgu49zj12MNe7pv2D08gJlryckCAnCsC2aw8pHUi7feT0rOagfrqjvXOpbndtz1kVmCRA7/s1000/144141853_255346859449770_7618939046680802809_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="750" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0HRw8LIvfj5xKgyMl9tGEUx-rtunuHuQ9cuZIg8Wm06nCIchKJHr9CpAhlerLvm8MHSZU0_Qgu49zj12MNe7pv2D08gJlryckCAnCsC2aw8pHUi7feT0rOagfrqjvXOpbndtz1kVmCRA7/s16000/144141853_255346859449770_7618939046680802809_n.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the smell of freedom *sniff sniff ( December 2020, enroute home from Perthlis )</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It got me thinking to on why imprisonment is a type of punishment, as it takes away the freedom of being free. I was lucky that I am being 'imprisoned' with all sorts of necessities ; you name it , be it the laptop - phone - internet - biscuits - mineral water - fan - bedding - maggi - rice cooker - oh yeah the sunlight too as I am making a comparison with the prison itself. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Third day down the road I was already feeling sort of claustrophobic in a room that has windows with sunlight and air flows into it simply because I think it has been ages that I am inside the room. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Prior to the notice of self isolating , I think I have been exposed to the risk of these pandemics for quite a moment , but I sort of think that somehow I am being left out from the checkings ( ie swabbing ) when everyone else working around me were called by the relevant authorities for checkings. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It was not until the day I was contacted as a close contact , when the person in charge asked whether I agree upon my sample being taken for the test , I hesitated. I HESITATED. Wasn't this something I have been silently wishing for ( though this is not the way I want it to happen HA-HA) . </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I hesitated for many reasons, one is the degree of pain I had to tolerate when doing the test ( as mocked and told by many ), two which is most important , like what if I am tested positive , I had to track the people I met those days when I was outside ; and somehow the aftermath discomfort caused by the news outbreak is just not so pleasing to be entertained. I am not so concerned myself to be honest , but its more about how people perceived such news. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Regardless I said yes, after being persuaded to get myself tested. Which to put everyone's heart, especially mine, at rest. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I did. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Personally, it was not so bad at all. I mean the process of taking the sampling. I had mine in a drive-through , like for someone who's not so into lining up for a drive through, this is a drive through for the wellbeing of many ( ha-ha ) . It took about 40 minutes as I arrived a minute before the arranged appointment. I played Coco the movie inside my car to track how long will it take for the whole procedure. It was a smooth and fast process alhamdulillah. I think I was lucky to have a gentle person doing it, I would not describe it as painful but more of a discomfort for allowing somebody to be in your nose territory. I think I had the RTK test - which is the faster one , samples taken from two nostrils and not through the mouth/throat. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Went straight home after that since I know it's not a wise decision to wander around when you might be risking others and god knows just how much my overthinking was for the two days waiting for the result. It turns out to be a negative alhamdulillah , when I thought all the cold flus was a sign ( when I had cold flus almost everyday in the morning and it goes away after a while as the day went ) </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>'' Be careful of what you wish for...'' </i>if you're asking me one thing I learned from the event. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Should have been for grateful when I was 'left-out' , and of course to be careful of the things I wish for , not just about the testings but life generally. To be grateful with whatever state you are in. Just when I thought I am always grateful , it turns out I am greedy. I don't know how is this making sense to anyone who reads this but it's making sense to me as I am reflecting a lot upon the matter. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Three more days before this self isolation ended, I wanted to savour the moment I am able to relax, quitting myself from the hectic life for a bit and enjoy the time like this as it doesn't come to me so often. Last was perhaps two years ago before the service. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">and to simply be grateful for whatever things that are bestowed upon me at the moment in time. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">insyaAllah there's goodness in it. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">as Musa a.s prays, </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>''My Lord, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow upon me (Surah Al Qasas, 28:24)''</i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love, the'ann</div>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-20438425976621547242020-11-24T11:04:00.000+08:002020-11-24T11:04:46.785+08:00random Tuesday? <div style="text-align: justify;">Hi? </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgihFc8pYJmBbm0TQ_VWvwhHjy4srhPjRvAQJzfVGfMGEh65X7PMNtS7tTqhA2CZhxSOFayOwBWCmlN8GBWILKrx0BQY1VLS_k_KcMg8YB7nMD8JK11VvLflq66JhVS9nTbvHbkpZ-v4Qr3/s1276/IMG_8489.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1276" data-original-width="956" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgihFc8pYJmBbm0TQ_VWvwhHjy4srhPjRvAQJzfVGfMGEh65X7PMNtS7tTqhA2CZhxSOFayOwBWCmlN8GBWILKrx0BQY1VLS_k_KcMg8YB7nMD8JK11VvLflq66JhVS9nTbvHbkpZ-v4Qr3/s16000/IMG_8489.JPG" title="breathing fine, and apparently beautiful too haha" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">breathing fine, apparently beautiful too HAHA well at least I have a record of the 26 y'o me here <br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I attempted to write back in June however I am stuck half way and I don't intend to continue from there. This is by far , the longest silence and break I had from writing. Partly because these days I am more comfortable at writing in private, most of the thoughts are intimate and meant to be exclusive for me and the person who mattered at the moment. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Most of them is recording the moments and me expressing gratitude over the blessings I am blessed with in this life .For the past few months I realized that evil eyes are real, eyes that wish your happiness to be turned into sorrow. That it is safe for me to keep things in private . Generally to avoid putting the feelings/emotions in many hands, and known to me, human hands aren't so delicate at handling those. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">This post may not have certain direction , because I think I miss a proper writing. I miss updating this site , to store memories. So I am just going to write what come across my mind. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">if you can choose to be anything, choose to be kind. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">if you're kind to many , you should be kinder / kindest to those who are dear to you.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Oh yea, alhamdulillah after nearing two years in service, I am no longer a contract law officer. Officially a law officer. Its been such an honor to be in this service. Its indeed a fast paced, challenging, humbling learning phase cushioned by a safe environment to grow. Something I am very grateful for. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The passion is still burning that I wish to explore more , insyaAllah to many more years ahead of me. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Okay , shall we see each other next year? </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Love, the'ann</div>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-90570343676180221632020-04-21T21:52:00.003+08:002020-04-21T22:23:09.312+08:00QURAN, DATE AND 2020<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word;">
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<span style="color: #050505;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">[ a long post on reflection - appreciation - hopes ] </span></span></span><br />
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This was initially written down in Facebook , so for its feature there, it seems long HAHA but when it's here, it looks fairly fair. Not too short neither too long. But of course I will explain it more thorough here ( hopefully this post went to the direction I wish it goes lol ) </span></span></span><br />
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so here's to the post.</span></span></span><br />
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It was one of my wish lists for the year which to make up to my relationship with Quran. ( <a href="https://theanisnajwa.blogspot.com/2020/02/is-hi-2020-still-valid.html" target="_blank">here's to the link </a>) Despite 2019 was a pretty settled and good year for me, my relationship with Quran was sad. </span></span></span><br />
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Really sad , I didn't khatam thats for sure, I am not even near. I am very disappointed with myself. Partly because I have done it in the past that I know its more than possible to finish the whole chapters in the Holy Quran. But I didn't. Finishing the volume is one thing...</span></span></span><br />
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It was in the previous years I will make sure that I will at least khatam once in a year (one, as a promise I make to ayah when I was heading back to Cardiff back in 2016, and two why not right? )</span></span></span><br />
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No its not a competition but a check and balance on the well being of my soul. </span></span></span><br />
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And the last time I khatam was back in October 2018, precisely on the 10th. The day I received my CLP result. I was questioning myself the whole time, am I not grateful? Am I not returning those favours Allah blessed me with by reading his love letters? </span></span></span><br />
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As we entered 2020 , I know to make up means I have to allocate my time , to regain my thought processes when it comes to reflecting the verses. </span></span></span><br />
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And honestly and sadly, it was not as easy as I had it back in the UK. Reflecting over those verses is another thing . Its very hard for to find verses that I can relate with my surrounding, my feelings , the state of my heart , and its just, very very sad. ( my sad is very frequent here isn't it )
<b><u>QURAN DATES AND 2020</u></b></span></span></span><br />
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Today, nearing the half term of the year, I was at the 342nd page , was reflecting over Surah Al-Mu'minun with my tilawah and my tadabbur partner ( thanks to something we call internet ) said these </span></span></span><br />
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<i><b>"Its been few days I've been wanting to ask you what does it mean by orang orang yang beriman"</b></i></span></span></span><br />
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Because the journey of our Quran date started way back from Surah Yusuf and it has been pretty consistent that we reflected on verses that says </span></span></span><br />
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<i><b>"Sesungguhnya Allah memasukkan orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan amal soleh ke dalam syurga ..."</b></i></span></span></span><br />
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And it was in the first ten verse of Al-Mu'minun that speaks about the characteristic of orang-orang yang beriman. Reminds me of days I reflected in my Ayyash / Taman Syurga circles.
When Allah speaks twice about solat, one being khusyuk in solat ( verse 2 ) and two yang memelihara solatnya ( verse 9 ). </span></span></span><br />
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Funny as it reminded us of our first conversation, when he forwarded to me a note that was edited way back in 20th February 2018 ( when I am perhaps drowning in my CLP notes ) - a note that speaks about the characteristic of his soul mate ( as shown below ) , and pretty was mentioned TWICE !
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">kau tengok ni dia nak cantik sampai dua kali?!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #050505;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">After few moments of silence thinking whether I am pretty enough to hit it twice (kah kah kah)
That's when I said to him , </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>HEYYY IT REMINDS ME OF SURAH AL-MU'MINUN</b></span></span></span></div>
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( lol ) ( I know ) ( because solat was mentioned twice haha )</span></span></span><br />
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and we had a short discussion back then about this surah, as I put it into writing years back , back in 2015, February 21st ( <a href="https://theanisnajwa.blogspot.com/2015/02/al-muminun-1-10-orang-yang-berjaya-itu.html" target="_blank">here's to the link</a> )</span></span></span><br />
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Today we're back at it again. after alhamdulillah going through more than 100 pages together.
Alhamdulillah. Wishing for a blissful and blessed future together insyaAllah. </span></span></span><br />
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Its only fair for me to express this gratitude in writing as it is my love language ( words of affirmation ) to express it to someone who don't really ask but his love language being act of service. </span></span></span><br />
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Its not about the person behind the conversation ( of course it mattered but to me only for now HA-HA ) but it was the content that makes me feel humbled and grateful for. </span></span></span><br />
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Please make prayers that I'll make up excellently with my Quran this year and whatever relationship that follows afterwards insyaAllah. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #050505;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Thank you , may Allah grants the same best thing for you, its not too late to be making wish list and to attain it insyaAllah :) </span></span></span><br />
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ps will be up on the blog for safekeeping too insyaAllah.
and here it is, on the blog, for safekeeping. Alhamdulillah.
Much love,
Anis Nazari</span><b style="font-style: italic;">
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Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-44617088927523480712020-04-08T13:40:00.000+08:002020-04-08T13:40:11.223+08:00The battle we're fighting<div style="text-align: justify;">
Its been days since I have this bugging thoughts of writing things down (its been A WHILE hence I am all excited for the fact that yeay I have something in mind, which pass the filters I had in mind, what can be shared for public read ) </div>
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For the past few weeks, I did few personality test which happened to suggest that I am an Introvert . In my past, as far as I could recall, I appeared to be an Extrovert , judged based on how outgoing I was, how I enjoy / energized for voicing out my opinion / debating or a public speaking. </div>
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As time goes by, I became a bit selective with the people I choose to speak to or things I choose to speak about. Slowly enjoying living a private life (acah) haha. I thought I will enjoy things like sharing about my relationship in public but it turns out , being in a relationship, I enjoy doing or even reflecting in private with my insyaAllah my half, soon a legal half ameeen. </div>
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Hence when the government announced that we'll be under this Movement Control Order, the introverted sides of me are jubilant of course. Its like having a semester break? HA-HA partly because my job requires me to be on the ground , until they decided we can do all these proceedings virtually. Which is very unlikely ey </div>
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I think its worth noting for the fact that this is how 2020 turns out , from being fueled up with the ideas that the year 2020 is about having flying cars or all these technology advancement we saw in movies. </div>
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but here we are, fighting in a battle , by perhaps the easiest thing everyone is capable of doing - which is to stay home. </div>
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( despite being the easiest , here I am reading facts of different cases ranging from someone who fancied meeting their friends, buying foods at freaking 12.30 am , meeting boyfriend moving all the way from Gombak to Johor Bahru ) </div>
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I must say that the introvert me is pretty recharged, or perhaps over charged. </div>
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That I found myself enjoying work , I mean yes I enjoy working despite feeling mundane ( because it was a routine HAHA ) and now we have longer week days break ( I mean YEAY ) , I came to appreciate that I am working in this essential service , and I am working to take care of the people. Not as direct as doctors did but we are here to give lessons and of all giving awareness to people. About how serious all these. </div>
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Just so you know, it is under Peraturan-Peraturan Pencegahan & Pengawalan Penyakit Berjangkit 2020 ( P.U.A 109/2020) effective from 31st of March , whoever makes any movement outside their house for unreasonable reasons or reasons that are not within the exception under Peraturan 3(2) of the same act , you're doing an offence that is punishable with fine, maximum RM 1000 or with imprisonment not more than six months. </div>
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Imagine your desire of wanting to be wandering around for no good reasons , well if you're lucky enough you are not caught - or lets hope the Virus didn't caught you too. And unleashing such desires for perhaps few good minutes or hours , can subject you to loosing RM 1000 and the potential of being in prison. </div>
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In this tough time, where we don't know for how long this control order lasts , a thousand is just a lot of money. </div>
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As I am working and the one who bought all the groceries for my family, I know the what a thousand worth for . For a family of six ( excluding my two brothers ) , RM 200.00 will feed my whole family for a week or two. </div>
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My heart sank like each time the court passed the sentencing , hearing to how a thousand can support a family for weeks, but such sentencing is relevant as to the matter of deterring the society to be doing the same. </div>
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Earlier today I was talking to one of the uncle who was caught for going against this control order, and here's to a conversation </div>
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Me : Uncle , umur you berapa?</div>
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Uncle : Tahun ni 60</div>
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Me : Uncle tahu tak yang kena virus ni , ramai yang mati tu baya baya uncle?</div>
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Uncle : Tahu </div>
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Me : Takkan uncle nak mati sebab virus?</div>
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Uncle : ...silence...</div>
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Me : Uncle ni nanti balik, jangan keluar rumah. Kita nak jaga orang macam uncle supaya tak kena virus ni </div>
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Uncle : Baik... </div>
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This battle we are fighting , is no longer about you and you alone. It involves your family, your neighbours, the public at large. So lets not be selfish. please. </div>
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Stay home, will you? </div>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-91215549149475772212020-02-28T10:55:00.001+08:002020-02-28T10:55:36.612+08:00Is Hi 2020 still valid ? <div style="text-align: justify;">
Like seriously before 2020 ended, and its another new year of 2021, I better be writing a trace of me breathing a good life at the start of 2020. I mean uhm hello next Monday is already MARCH LIKE IS THAT POSSIBLE? THE TIME FLIES ABSURDLY FAST I'M HARDLY CATCHING UP </div>
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Well I think at the very end of 2019, I had the simplest wish on how I wanted my 2020 to start, which to reconnect or to mend my relationship with Quran. Why exactly reconnecting , its because I solemnly believe that once or few times in the past, committing to Quran recitation two pages a day, and infact more , is never a problem. I am able to spend many more good minutes or hours to reflect over the verses and making connections with what I experienced in a day. </div>
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But let's be honest with myself, despite 2019 was a good year for me in many aspects of life, my relationship with Quran is just pretty sad. Committing to one page a day is real struggle, reflecting is even worse. </div>
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So its fair that I had such wish where I wanted to see the current me , to be relating to all the good things I experienced in the past. And I guess its been weeks now, where I saw myself, still struggling but slowly back on the track. </div>
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The start of 2020 was pretty humbling for me , for the fact that Allah has continuously blessed me with the existence of many good people and good things that happened through those people. But, its complicated that I am not able to put those blessings in writing as for me, my words and sentences are not doing the justice to the exact feeling I am experiencing. As far as I could remember, the last time I had such feeling of contentment was back in Ireland,2016. </div>
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And for those who're new here (acah Anis acah haha >.< ) if I am making comparison of something with my Ireland trip, please know that I had such a meaningful ( with all other good adjectives to describe ) trip back then around Ireland, that as if now I am back to the trip, still in Malaysia, but the feelings attached , is the same. If not same, its definitely more. </div>
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I am writing this today, as a token of appreciation for a soul who happened to appreciate, cherish and flourishing me with my very my own love language, words of affirmation. That I am thankful for the delicate thoughtful , in (many) beautiful carved sentences. For some,words are mere an empty spelled letters but to me , words carry values. And values can be ascertained through acts. Acts can be in terms of consistencies - and for this reason alone, I am indeed, very blessed to be the one who signify the values being portrayed and expressed in a consistent manner.</div>
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That somehow makes me feel, worthy. I don't feel the need to be sharing this actually to the world because I am happily sharing the ups and downs with the person who , somehow, means a world to me. </div>
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Apart from that, its not too late for me to be writing it down here that it's been a year since I started my service with the chambers. It feels surreal that a year has passed, till this very day, I am still humbly learning , excitedly exploring, happily and subtly cursing *ie drivers on the road haha . I know that I wouldn't stop if I start writing about all these professional journey of mine , so I'll stop here haha.</div>
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And I guess, thats it for now. See you guys again in 2021? </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbrrmzXeL8HvcHpF6JWldjytKRYF5ce994PowoKaeeIOUd9NHZIM4cRhZpmhB1hVqH2TshtjDOVZwse7YXSFDpqx55S3ID4BeuU_ls0puyLJi833dAlKXGZS0iqQYVloU6YIMVpPmN2Jw/s1600/IMG_3022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbrrmzXeL8HvcHpF6JWldjytKRYF5ce994PowoKaeeIOUd9NHZIM4cRhZpmhB1hVqH2TshtjDOVZwse7YXSFDpqx55S3ID4BeuU_ls0puyLJi833dAlKXGZS0iqQYVloU6YIMVpPmN2Jw/s1600/IMG_3022.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">me everyday after work in 2020 , ps first appearance ? hahah </td></tr>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-63809526855387090772019-12-31T20:38:00.000+08:002019-12-31T20:38:58.969+08:00thank you 2019 <div style="text-align: justify;">
I think this should be a good time for me to be writing this down. I've drafted a post few days becak thinking that my year has ended earlier , to find that I am pretty occupied for the past one week, and it gave me a good ample time to be reflecting over my life generally. </div>
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It has been 319 days since I embarked into this whole new journey of building myself professionally , and I guess there's just so many parts of working that I am very grateful for , for the past few months ever since day 1. And I may say that its a huge chunk of episode in the 25 years of Anis Najwa living. And they're portrayed well in most of my very little posts in 2019. It has now went down from multiple posts per month to having only one per month. I think it was partly affected by the existence of instagram , where writing thoughts are much easier there as it was easily accessed. </div>
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But still I treasure the existence of the blog, if not to anyone, its for myself to see how my perspective changes over the years, some days I missed myself in the past but over times I am grateful for who I am today. </div>
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From having such a bumpy emotional ride in 2018 - I knew I was not the best version of myself last year, it was raging on the inside that I am struggling financially , emotionally disturbed , and life are just so uncertain that I had to learn to live with such uncertainties. And for the fact that it was a bumpy journey, my head keeps wanting to escape missing the life I had in the UK , but I was broke that I had to stay on the ground. Stuck. </div>
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2019 starts off with a successful reply from the chambers , after being turned down by two firms for pupillage. I never thought that I would make it but regardless, I am thankful for the opportunity. </div>
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Then February onwards is about adapting to the new life. </div>
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To March where they placed me in Melaka for my first posting, its weird that it has been years since I am away physically from home. </div>
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To later in between , I made an order to purchase a car for me to be able to function better since my work demands me to be moving around. And I can't afford a bull cart haha ( I am reminded of a story of albino buffalo loooool ) </div>
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To May , the day after my birthday , where I got my first big hire-purchase in life , that will make me so broke on my 26th birthday next year haha</div>
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To July where I maned up ( or maybe woman up ? haha ) to be the parents to my siblings as my parents performed Hajj for 40 days. It wasn't easy as I was being extra cautious and extra worried for heck one whole month. </div>
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and for the rest of the second half of the year, progressively learning and adapting with this new life. I sadly didn't remember any vivid from the rest of the months ( I loose my rhythm of writing already help ) </div>
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Oh ya my best friends got married, gave birth , I mean it could be everything a 25 year old should be experiencing , and I am here, watching where life leads me to next ? </div>
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Regardless, </div>
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there are many things I am very grateful for the year. </div>
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Yesterday , unlike everybody else who went for holiday and had no scheduled trials, I had very long days in court. And I sort of foresee the same would happen today that I got really torn out early morning because I know its another long day ahead of mine. and indeed it was. </div>
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My mood were not helping either as I was sobbing hard last night because something came up. Then it goes down to the simplest gesture of being offered with a cup of coffee by my kakak jurubahasa. </div>
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I mean I was never a coffee person, but such gesture brings so much warmth to my heart. </div>
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god knows how teary I am on the inside because my heart was raging that I wanted to rest but it was so tiring and dreading. </div>
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and I loved it , how my 2019 ended. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMNJIEuusVTzMXjoV2QaGhXHNJFuQB1YEJhUBTcKt107S8wB6YbJqIfzM6sKRWVcX3W-GE86l-0k3FEv3Hvmpk2xXL8GBZL5WD5v55LTdsD30C1ZL97sl2ggPq0fYTwOL7B3X7yq7mREfi/s1600/IMG_1253.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1276" data-original-width="956" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMNJIEuusVTzMXjoV2QaGhXHNJFuQB1YEJhUBTcKt107S8wB6YbJqIfzM6sKRWVcX3W-GE86l-0k3FEv3Hvmpk2xXL8GBZL5WD5v55LTdsD30C1ZL97sl2ggPq0fYTwOL7B3X7yq7mREfi/s1600/IMG_1253.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">because its just a very rare occasion. </td></tr>
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Resolutions? </div>
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Its not that I am not hopeful of many things for the 26th year of my life. But there's only a thing I see now. I wanted to make up my time with Quran. It saddens me that I am off the track for many months, that reciting went a bit rusty and slow, all I ever wanted is for my heart to be present and grounded.</div>
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I ask Allah to make me the sensitive person again, to be able to reconnect with Quran. I wanted to make my Quran date as frequent as before, even though it takes me to be forcing myself each time now. </div>
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and I guess that's it , that I earnestly want for my 2020. that suffice Allah alone to all my desires and hopes, that I won't put those in the hand of humans. Because yknow human breaks intentionally or not. </div>
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To Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-14470816173220881152019-12-03T21:59:00.003+08:002019-12-03T22:06:03.730+08:00Back to December ~ ~<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was supposed to be doing my (long overdue) submission by now but its December and I am feeling the obligation to keep this site updated. Pretty much for my ownself to see and reread back. Like I may be once in the past a wise scholar ( you wish ) or plainly young young dumb and broke *que singing *</div>
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I don't even know what to write anymore inside here, my life has been pretty stagnant. I mean the stress from the workload is always there but that doesn't deprived me emotionally. In fact I am feeling that a huge chunk part of my life would be missing if the workloads are taken away from me. </div>
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But you see this is where the conflict started to arise !? I love what I am doing , but somehow someday it gets ugly and weary when you saw there's few trials scheduled for the day and so much so there's witnesses for every cases and you're not able to prepare a thing ?! </div>
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That's when skills like fast paced reading ( still picking up ) - being meticulous ( when I am the opposite ) comes handy - and my brain had to think how to make those facts being presented through the mouth of the witnesses , without making it very obvious that hello sir I want this answer please. Dayyum to times where the answer was totally different from what I expected ( my heart sank slowly like the Titanic ) ( playing sappiest violin playlist ). </div>
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But to later realized that I am here to facilitate justice, not only to the side that I am representing , but to the court , to the accused as well. My part is to lay out the facts , the best I can and let everything decided by the court whether or not the charge can be sustained or otherwise. </div>
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Soooo instead of getting on my nerve on how things turned out to be the way it has turned out, I managed to stay poise ( as if haha ) ( paused for seconds because aca-excuse me THAT ANSWER ARE YOU SERIOUS ?!!! - you got to be kidding me ) ( I know you're not kidding - you're on oath ) [ those are exactly the lines that played inside my head while looking partially miserable on the outside ] </div>
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My love life , surprisingly , not testing me as much as it does in the past. Not that I wanted to experience it once again lels. </div>
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Few days ago while I was sobbing over a conversation I had with A ( I sobbed a lot with A, and I am not good at hiding the change in my voice tone , or A have heard enough and passed the beginner level of knowing Anis Najwa HA-HA ) I told A that I haven't meet someone that pursues/ make effort to be with me. It slipped through my blank mind - and I guess its not fair to say so isn't it? But still I am trying to justify myself , the reason why I said so its because I never know if its permissible to be asking for more when I am used to be okay with whatever treatment received. That asking for more than what it is , seems greedy heh? to say that I deserve to get the best, how best is best, or how better is better?</div>
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And I had few random things I did over the past one month, I finally had a serious Ikea haul time buying lucky draw presents for the upcoming annual dinner. All these while Ikea was about 20 meatballs, a bowl of mushroom , six pieces of chicken wings and two springrolls , not to forget sos biji sawi ( I swear I just know mustard is biji sawi thanks to the label the put HAHA ) , now here's to all fancy name of Kavalkad, Lenner ? like how I am supposed to imagine Kavalkad is for pans? put something like Kavalpan? at least there's clue to these blues clues * mail time que singing </div>
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I saw myself going through the booklet and the price tags as well. Just when we thought we're prepared , I guess you can never trust a woman who says, I know exactly what I want to buy, grab those and make our way to the teller, to later stop at designated section to find fancier stuff with similar price tag... of course, we do what we need to do, we rethink , for wise purchase >.< </div>
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to two weeks later, finding myself strolling around Tanjung Emas Muar after attended two Machinants x Machinants weddings. These days my cravings for Nasi Minyak is so real that I badly want to attend wedding so I can eat nasi minyak, and now craving satisfied but wait, another wedding this weekend. Talking about wedding, I think I've come to a term with my ownself ( pun boleh ) that I wanted a very closed wedding , cost is a thing but not major, I am no good at hiding my grumpiness and tired face, what to do, I am always honest HA HA . That I can't stand the idea of draining out my energy meeting countless of strangers on my happy day. Very closed wedding means very close friends and families , at least the people whom I know genuinely wanting to share the big day and wanted to see me happy with the person I choose to be with for life. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEtzwaQEO_gbMwltXgIC54FBv1DhLYzUj-D68m6uV6FDFOvdlEdsIbd5Ff33A2DzW6Dr67dphXrDx_Vs6Od0NOC5RXdDE10TqkiWXWTpwF661EtQ0aTzyBKoj9GnBW7IYmSJUG77F1CP0_/s1600/IMG_0895.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEtzwaQEO_gbMwltXgIC54FBv1DhLYzUj-D68m6uV6FDFOvdlEdsIbd5Ff33A2DzW6Dr67dphXrDx_Vs6Od0NOC5RXdDE10TqkiWXWTpwF661EtQ0aTzyBKoj9GnBW7IYmSJUG77F1CP0_/s1600/IMG_0895.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">just when I thought I was beautiful at the age of 17, my thought was absolutely wrong haha<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxbdV8B6_eOwSAh-k9wb8-rvw7745JDMLBgXtws2H9Gst9qcTB9j7H_SZNmT6PMRr4jkCaKyAl0xxOYqmzC5RCJ9bjnH7otcNt8KxRirdq163FGXg5px_lJZR44I2w2s7e2_66gbaLODYs/s1600/IMG_0940.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxbdV8B6_eOwSAh-k9wb8-rvw7745JDMLBgXtws2H9Gst9qcTB9j7H_SZNmT6PMRr4jkCaKyAl0xxOYqmzC5RCJ9bjnH7otcNt8KxRirdq163FGXg5px_lJZR44I2w2s7e2_66gbaLODYs/s1600/IMG_0940.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">there got to be some prints of Muar isn't it lol happynya Anis Najwa </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhro67Tlt3QO7eG-fIVoY52P_nhoRUaQKuX7W7u5bgfXvgXpwn3Hqd1jSUhXXtipj5jiWxayRD0_C08h-QYxS7trzYdHWmeO9EUsSZrBctJYE6-5ttsS5CZ2dxbuCJn2q5v7Tg7cASVAnD4/s1600/IMG_0941.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhro67Tlt3QO7eG-fIVoY52P_nhoRUaQKuX7W7u5bgfXvgXpwn3Hqd1jSUhXXtipj5jiWxayRD0_C08h-QYxS7trzYdHWmeO9EUsSZrBctJYE6-5ttsS5CZ2dxbuCJn2q5v7Tg7cASVAnD4/s1600/IMG_0941.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">with beautiful people with beautiful hearts </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga0Nb4eGbc7o8FPTNw92W7LukuYV8A23UKFVRQBVHePuxASQj7ylG2TvGNtUDEWyPzLXTZe19d9q3Zm-bg4M5WiTZ9gaTCW2Ij2EtIZqshdjAZaF_MaSEIX2W5NweRLg8iiLo08ET-5jUd/s1600/IMG_0942.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1276" data-original-width="956" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga0Nb4eGbc7o8FPTNw92W7LukuYV8A23UKFVRQBVHePuxASQj7ylG2TvGNtUDEWyPzLXTZe19d9q3Zm-bg4M5WiTZ9gaTCW2Ij2EtIZqshdjAZaF_MaSEIX2W5NweRLg8iiLo08ET-5jUd/s1600/IMG_0942.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">these are my favourite shots from the day </td></tr>
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But this is subjected to my parents approval - who knows I might be someday craving for ATTENTIONS HAHA that I wanted a big wedding. No one ever knows. </div>
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after all, I might be seeing myself writing something at the very end of December reflecting over my one year, the most significant part is of course about the job. And just how it shaped me over months, and luckily the journey was recorded in writings and lots of selfies in the gallery ( I need some love for myself don't judge ) . </div>
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worth noting that I think , as verified by others too, I gradually , positively change my physique thanks to the depleted energy after 6 that I no longer wants to eat dinner ( but lets not speak too soon of things I am yet to be tested with HA-HA ) </div>
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It still feels surreal though how 25 is such a roller-coaster ride. blessed x grateful. </div>
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so see you again after I had my days off soon ? HEHE nak cuti without feeling guilty pun susah ye.<br />
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-13672025025552770092019-11-01T22:52:00.000+08:002019-11-01T23:34:10.005+08:00Happened to be someone who's aspired to facilitate justice :)<div style="text-align: justify;">
This morning as I was stamping my name stamp on files and signing them , it feels so surreal that I had to slowly get my head into the game that we're already at the eleventh month of the year , I mean where the hell the other ten months go ? </div>
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And its been a while too since I've been thinking that it may be the time I talked about things that I am very indulged and passionate about, as nerdy as it may sounds, its my work and my working life generally. </div>
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I am always actually very cautious when it comes to talking about work because I am afraid that I might be crossing lines I wasn't supposed to cross, but I guess none of the content inside here would lead to that so off we go ! </div>
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<b>Have I always know that I wanted to be a prosecutor? </b></div>
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The short answer, absolutely a big NOPE. </div>
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It never passes through my membranes when I did my undergraduate that I would be venturing into what I am doing at the moment. I had very little knowledge to be honest , not to say that I am very certain that I'll be a practitioner ( lawyer ) , but I always know I had passion to educate so you might say I pictured myself as an educator. </div>
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But despite that, I know that I wanted to spend some time being in the practical legal world before getting into education route. </div>
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It was when I did my CLP when everything becomes more surreal , where I started to ponder upon which areas of law intrigued me most / more and the pressure become much more intense when I started to apply for pupilage. Was very certain that I am not built for conveyancing because I think I suppressed my energy by doing the documents ( I had six months of experience working as a paralegal while doing my CLP in a conveyancing firm )</div>
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I've always love criminal law for the fact that it involves human nature / traits to it but I never score beyond the bare minimum , just enough to keep at the passing rate level. </div>
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But being involved in criminal law, I can't help but to think about the liabilities/responsibilities it carries, especially the bad presumptions people have towards criminal law generally. </div>
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And I did ask myself whether I am up for such pressure? Meh it was half-half I'd say, I have always enjoyed the theories but I am not so sure if I am a great fit to it , so its decided, that I'd go for a more subtle area which still involves human traits and characters in it, which is labour law. </div>
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So I went around , promoting myself as a good advocate for employment law but it was after two interviews I had with private law firms, I started to rethink about the route I wanted to be in. </div>
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<b>Oh yass when exactly I started to draw interest towards prosecution ? </b></div>
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It was my lecturer, my Criminal Procedure Lecturer who was a prosecutor for good nine years before he decided to venture into private practice. I am always so impressed on how delicate and structured his answers to the questions we discussed in class. </div>
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And one day one of my class fellows asked him whether he would want to spend some time out of the class session, to give a talk about prosecution. And being someone who's always very strict at timings and schedules, I am never a fan of staying for something that is not directly connected to what I am doing ( studying ) </div>
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But I found myself in the session, listening to how everything started for him and roughly the journey he went through. Of course I had my round eyes and bushy tails listening to how admirable the journey was for him. </div>
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But of course, being in the pressure of the legal certificate, had so little time to have a decent rest, juggling working and studying , that moment passed by and I didn't take any step to make myself into the service. </div>
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The last time I sent my application in Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam was back in 2017 when I am back from the UK, to report to my scholar that I am finally home. I mean it was a requirement to at least fill 5 different positions which are not related to what I studied, but hello beggars can't choose, we millenials need to survive by whatever means we had. </div>
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So there's this Pustakawan position, PTD , and even pegawai muzium >o< , and the only position that sounds law is pegawai undang-undang , but yeah I had very little idea about what a pegawai undang-undang do, and above that , I was never called for any interviews for the position. </div>
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Fast forward, things turns out to be the way it is now. *I will link the blog post I wrote concerning the journey haha in case I rajin , if not go ahead and see my December 2018 post haha * </div>
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<b>Do you enjoy what you're doing now ? </b></div>
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ABSOLUTELY , a big YES. </div>
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Because I've always know that I wanted to educate, if not many, I would able to educate myself, but of course I am a big dreamer, I wanted the society to benefit from what I am doing. </div>
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You know all these while when we write paragraphs of Karangan Bahasa Melayu about curbing the problems we had in the society , ranging from illegal racing to drugs - and I've always be in good schools where I am not exposed to these realities. Theoretically all the suggestion we posed seems good enough to be able to curb these unhealthy activities in the societies, but it's just so saddening for the fact that the truth is VERY UGLY - REAL AND OVERWHELMING </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzTaxeKPLrQA_GjskcPYx4sRtGPL8Ddk0OEwSLodaigimL-20K-T-eGC174wmojImuP10lNpmz8T6l5HzknjS-1zZhBJuJOG-sGJHXdWyWmfdePHJ9xC4D9V9itqZcS_uWL5uLaflplvl7/s1600/IMG_0237.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzTaxeKPLrQA_GjskcPYx4sRtGPL8Ddk0OEwSLodaigimL-20K-T-eGC174wmojImuP10lNpmz8T6l5HzknjS-1zZhBJuJOG-sGJHXdWyWmfdePHJ9xC4D9V9itqZcS_uWL5uLaflplvl7/s1600/IMG_0237.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sometimes when it gets too overwhelming , I failed to value all these little details that matters. I never thought that Bougainvillea can be amusing among other flowers, but it does. Though I know that I'll be having long days ahead me, stopping for a moment appreciating such beauties , somehow eased me on the inside. </td></tr>
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That overtimes it scares me that I wanted to build a family of my own, but I was just too wary about the dangers out there, would I able to raise a child that can dictate what's good and what's bad. Like what if I become the reason why they took the different path as I did / was raised. </div>
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and being in the position where I am right now, I know that I possess the role of educating - not just offering aggravating factors to impose a higher sentence on someone, but to also advocate the element of repenting , lessons , that the same offence would not occur again. And truthfully, its just not that powerful. </div>
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Because when you go to the root of the problems, if not all, many of them came from a broken in many senses and poorly structured family institutions . Of course I can do things that are within my means but I know that parenthood/families institutions plays greater role to abstain the crimes to happen at the very first place. </div>
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<b>Your take after few months being in the field ? </b></div>
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I am very humbled by every emotions I saw - witnessing just different characters of people - that everyday I would say to myself before judging people inside my head ( I am human too lol haha ) , I am very very very blessed. Allah is indeed very kind to me for the journey and the path He waved for me. I could have done terrible things in life , but for His mercies and love , I am saved in many junctions in life. </div>
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I've been learning a lot, observing people on how they do things and see whether I can adopt the same style or see whether I can improvise from there. </div>
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Talking about someone who never had the chance to do pupillage, be in court or even the moot court over her three years across the seas. Sometimes I would silently jot notes in my books or whatever mediums I had , on the things I learned from random people of the day. </div>
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Its not just about the wordings / but its also about how they carry and present themselves . I remembered first few months of my working life, I had to dictate verbatim ( each and every word / when to pause / what to say / how to say it ) , and talk to myself while driving to work or home. </div>
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<b>Of course I am NOT these ambitious all the time. - I am a human</b></div>
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I faced frustrations , anxieties , like am I doing good enough to properly lay out facts of the case - assisting parties to get to the crux of the story , or some other day I encountered people who're not nice at all to me , sometimes I am just very amazed how did I have very ambitious thoughts that people will do good to people - WHEN SOMETIMES THEY ARE NOT NICE :( but I guess that's life. I can't be pleasing everyone but I look forward to ease everyone's life that happened to cross path with me. Not pleasing but easing. </div>
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* but in case I appeared not easing your life, it would be beyond my conscious mind HA-HA </div>
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so that's it, ten months working and I am enjoying it so far. I love how it makes me ponder upon things, thinking about various issues in life and just how it makes me appreciate life even more than I ever did before. </div>
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I can't emphasize on how helpful the people I met in this journey. I had different people I looked up to, and learn from. </div>
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Thinking about how I was lil bit dissapointed at first when I am sent back to my state , little that I know it was indeed a prayer that comes true. I was never choosy about the place they will send me to, because nothing really ties me from moving around. </div>
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The only thing I ask Allah is that, I wanted the best place He wants me to have. And he granted something that was way beyond what I wanted. </div>
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Much love, the'ann</div>
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Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-75261906615227645562019-10-12T22:13:00.000+08:002019-10-12T22:13:11.945+08:00Hi again? <div style="text-align: justify;">
September passed and I had two long drafted post which I think came to become irrelevant to be posted now. I no longer can relate the things I've been writing for the posts so I'll just keep it there for my own reference. </div>
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Sooooo it's October already and its been few days since I've been thinking to come back to writing, acknowledging feelings , storing memories I've been creating for the past two months since I last write in August. </div>
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For the past two or three weeks , it was a bit dreading for me in the sense that I am feeling so tired and it was due to my sleepless nights. I wouldn't even say its sleepless because I slept, but in my sleep I was experiencing terrible intense emotions. </div>
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At first I've accepted it as a dream, that in those dreams I was crying, my heart was burdened and certainly its not helping me out with workloads I had during the daytime. It was so obvious that those dreams are affecting me on daily basis as I appeared not cheerful / not the usual me while working. The other day, my seniors had some works to be done in my court and both asked me whether I am sick, and I was like, nope I am good. </div>
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Then I had a talk with A, telling him all these sad sappy dreams, and he asked me what did I see in my dreams. Since all those dreams seems very real, I was able to dictate the emotions and the settings of the dreams. It was mainly revolving around the work and the people I deal with while working. And he then said , it was not a dream, its more like your subconscious mind, you're very stressed from work isn't it? </div>
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Being the very optimistic Anis Najwa, of course I am in my denial mode, because I enjoyed and love what I am doing at the moment. I mean someone can't be stressed out by something she loved or enjoy isn't it? To later , gradually acknowledging that yes, I am little burdened by the check lists I had to settle for the week since I'll be away for the next whole week. </div>
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And it was on Friday that my emotions are at the peak , that I suddenly burst into tears when someone asked me whether I am okay. I was like so angry that its makes me sad because I am angry ( at very little petty things ) - and I was wondering why I got so angry . I was continuously sad and angry for the whole week that it tires the heck out of me. It was on the same day where I've successfully ticked my checklists for the week, that it kinda tones my emotions down. </div>
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But I know for certain, accomplishing those tasks are not moderating my feelings back to the usual me. </div>
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It was on Sunday when I departed for my one week course in Bangi, I planned to meet my usrahmate back in the UK for a quick update session. And its recorded in few of my posts in the blog on how much my Ayyash had positively impacted my life - giving all sorts of twists to my views and characters. </div>
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Meeting them in a very short allocated time gives me so much feels , these are the people who embraced me for who I am, who listened to me when I am being whiny ( and plainly stupid ) , who enjoyed my lame jokes, most importantly - positively making changes to my life and I love the person whom I became when they're around me. It has weirdly fill this emptiness inside my heart , resetting those intense emotions back to the subtle mood. </div>
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The meet was so fulfilling that it energizes me for the whole week of course. And experiencing a week of formal teaching and learning ( because life alone is a informal learning experience haha ) gave so much feels and it reminds me of my Evidence classes back during CLP.</div>
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No matter how far I departed from the memories of doing my professional paper, I guess the surreal feelings will always be there, stagnant and vivid. </div>
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Partly because how rapid the transition was between studying full time to be juggling work and study, living tightly , pushing myself to the edge of boundaries I never knew I am capable of doing and the no joke emotions turbulence ranging from love , heartbreaks and disappointment. And just how demanding the phase was, I can't even entertain those emotions and had to power through so it won't affect my performance. </div>
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And for going through such series of episodes in life, going to classes actually makes me happy. It revives back those memories, the things that used to be so alien ( and hardly relatable ) terms and application of the law , now is something I deal with on daily basis. Which they're making more sense on why its done that and this way. </div>
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Not wanting to sound nerdy here but I enjoyed the whole, at least one week of escaping surprises of <i>'Puan, we got a trial today'</i> and I had no idea / information beforehand [ now I am just getting used to it and still finding ways not to be too surprised ] [ need to be more organized and prepared of course ] </div>
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I am surprised by ability to drive around, bracing traffics in big cities , and getting used to it. Something I used to loathe in the past , we've come to the page where loathe is such a strong language to be used in an equation of Anis and driving. Because driving , though may not be my cup of tea - it helps me to calm down and having a me time humming to depressing playlists haha. So when the abbreviation used is more subtle and not strong, it doesn't tires me down as much as it does in the past. </div>
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Few days ago I was voicing out my opinion about a friend whom I adored for being an extrovert , and having deemed to be seen as extrovert too ( most of the time ), I guess she's just at an another level of being an extrovert. She then said, she thinks that I am an introvert but becomes chatty with the people I am comfortable with . And looking at how my social life at the moment, I agree to that. </div>
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Its been such a fulfilling week as well since I made ad-hock plans to meet my friends ; looking at how boring my life was - despite the full blocked dates on the planner on weekdays ( due to work ) , my after work plan is pretty / yet comfortably lame. I don't go dates on weekend because one is obviously, date-less , I don't meet my friends on weekend too because my friends are not scattered within the radius of my ( limited ) reach. </div>
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Weekend is continuously about late evening laundry and sleeping through the day paying off the sleep debt over weekdays ( AS IF ) </div>
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it was when the course is ending and I am thinking that I need to make my life colourful again - I started to make plans to visit a friend , to being stuck in a jammed and thinking I should meet another sets of friends whom live nearby the food place I've been wanting to go to. Well actually that popped inside my head after being stuck in the jammed too HA-HA-HA </div>
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Met baby Sofiyaa who's now at her fourth months when I last saw her when she was three to four days old. Been obsessing over someone's ( or many people's ) children that I wanted my own . Like just the joy out of it not the pain, but was clearly informed that my bank accounts are not healthy to raise a child , just enough to raise the child me ( I was about to write the child in me , but I had been pulling the pregnant not born child joke for so long now ahah ) . And I was looking through my album to see just how many things changed ever since I meet Sofiyaa's mother seven years back and it feels, surreal. </div>
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Met the usual gang ( Ajlaa and Aliatul ) and coming back to Alia's crib is one of the comfiest feelings I treasured , it feels like home and the people are very accommodating in many senses. And I met my second home members ( Angah, Biha and Diy ) , and to the last I was there was back in August 2018 - coming back to the place where I seek solace at the swimming pool and being accepted as a part of family member ( self proclaimed haha ) in the house that gives me so much care , keeping me poise during my exam week. </div>
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It was actually really worrying that I am unable to write , even at my sappiest and saddest state - that if I am writing something down last month, it was a very mellow and depressing writing because I am unable to lift my own mood. I caught myself crying before sleep because that's the only thing I can do to ease the feelings. I was caught in the miseries of questioning my own worthiness as a human being and it often makes me sad. ( hello can someone be allergic already at this sad noun ) </div>
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And alhamdulillah recovering slowly and back in the blessed track, counting blessings over miseries. I acknowledged that being sad is okay , being not okay is okay, and to take time is okay too ! and for those feelings to keep coming back and lingers around you I deemed as okay too , don't be too hard on yourself. You've been kind to others , and the least for yourself. You should be best treated by your own-self :) </div>
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The last two drafted post, in one of those drafts I talked about my experience being nominated as the best female participant for my team building because they were amazed by the braveness ( I am amused too like how did I become so confident on those ridiculously shaking ropes LIKE WHY EVEN THERE'S THIS ROPES HANGING ON THE SKY CHALLENGE TO BEGIN WITH UHM HELLO?!! ) . </div>
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Quoting from my very own posts on Instagram , ( boleh tak thesis macam ni ? so self narcissist of crossing refer to yourself haha ) , I just believe that life is about fate and chances, some chances appears only once and such chance would not present itself again in the future , so I am just giving my body to experience on how it feels like , and knowing that I would not voluntarily spend to be on such challenges , I think I should just do it. The instructor keeps emphasizing about the weight those cables can withstand while looking at me ( Real pressure is there ha-ha ) and doing the basic calculations in my head , it won't threaten my life being up there haha. </div>
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gaaaaahhhh I am so satisfied that I am able to finish this writing ( lol ) hopefully god willing, we'll see again in my next no-one-knows-when post ? </div>
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time to entertain yourself with pictures ! ( pictures are not in a proper orders and I DONT CARE HAHA ) </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwcy4FwiDtVsY4XTiF1NIvhunksk1TaYJtvm8wCrBIwWjVn8WpiTxEzq537lfBOT1bqrigPf758nFajlqqtX26cp7Tlf5IDxlyHqMawa3bz8cc3tAc9YR4WkfMqAqSOStTNVWbx1GzRZsD/s1600/IMG_9773.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwcy4FwiDtVsY4XTiF1NIvhunksk1TaYJtvm8wCrBIwWjVn8WpiTxEzq537lfBOT1bqrigPf758nFajlqqtX26cp7Tlf5IDxlyHqMawa3bz8cc3tAc9YR4WkfMqAqSOStTNVWbx1GzRZsD/s1600/IMG_9773.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meet the calmest baby ever - (aun)TY (na)JWA is very obsessed HA-HA </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh74U1Gy368D9-srLb95okDSeyoetroclHC-6d_swfm9yq9fUMm5x-D1Su6y7GIzPf8Jqu1uzEABtjnWKXph0jxbkMYrS4aIuR-jRj8ujk42buDbuBji6__mpx5COnkYHxZ5c2bmPtf43PK/s1600/IMG_9799.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh74U1Gy368D9-srLb95okDSeyoetroclHC-6d_swfm9yq9fUMm5x-D1Su6y7GIzPf8Jqu1uzEABtjnWKXph0jxbkMYrS4aIuR-jRj8ujk42buDbuBji6__mpx5COnkYHxZ5c2bmPtf43PK/s1600/IMG_9799.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">so much lovessss for these girls </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuXu0Gb137gBCaB1Doh5ckymkmzkeGsT_F1M3JGxGRp8qwHzUUd31cbf99oRJPYml57ilF30v5DXwTk4TOg1ZN3XrPqjSyOLox7bDoMPhvRLKFd9v8pdSb9bE_sBrAizq2ScszBnfNHH0u/s1600/IMG_9815.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuXu0Gb137gBCaB1Doh5ckymkmzkeGsT_F1M3JGxGRp8qwHzUUd31cbf99oRJPYml57ilF30v5DXwTk4TOg1ZN3XrPqjSyOLox7bDoMPhvRLKFd9v8pdSb9bE_sBrAizq2ScszBnfNHH0u/s1600/IMG_9815.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">time flies isn't it? </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFc-50-GJhTK5akYTV6C8_LqkYi-o3VMqa2qo7b23Avqm1dS7UlNLGFeXcicK9MUjsu73yN9n5hgDrem-3nWhfI8EImRZAcc-8l2oVUM5yWGw7Gu_mt3f4fHQvnErkQuwUey6E2KKFLL3C/s1600/IMG_9820.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFc-50-GJhTK5akYTV6C8_LqkYi-o3VMqa2qo7b23Avqm1dS7UlNLGFeXcicK9MUjsu73yN9n5hgDrem-3nWhfI8EImRZAcc-8l2oVUM5yWGw7Gu_mt3f4fHQvnErkQuwUey6E2KKFLL3C/s1600/IMG_9820.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meeting Diy - and the last was perhaps during our graduation day lol back in April haha. at one of the best makan place I know haha</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOZGxTw-QZfDh6ccFl9WI8KWyLzJiVqmibpYZhzaR3JmDyI7R9TJb2JCrd1M9zFPHBrmqr6sg_k9FD1JZ97j5bbxvGObTvbHVWLx6KS4SXNi71sskoYb3SYfSgdzFODBJbTk9TR7v4hdrX/s1600/IMG_9627.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOZGxTw-QZfDh6ccFl9WI8KWyLzJiVqmibpYZhzaR3JmDyI7R9TJb2JCrd1M9zFPHBrmqr6sg_k9FD1JZ97j5bbxvGObTvbHVWLx6KS4SXNi71sskoYb3SYfSgdzFODBJbTk9TR7v4hdrX/s1600/IMG_9627.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my WSW , my Ayyash families - whom got so many updates and I can't keep up. May Allah ease your affairs girls </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2KtCfI92m5_f1fWAFYI-LNlORdDgmG-QeP2jpmc0-ek7erwuwxIHACM_AVwvQd4Mf3HX-wUZaHs1TNhC-jfY3Hr0gmty-IkLcksOEywkAefq0inVM46RG1i7z6xbVsq2HYgapXU7n4-id/s1600/IMG_9476.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2KtCfI92m5_f1fWAFYI-LNlORdDgmG-QeP2jpmc0-ek7erwuwxIHACM_AVwvQd4Mf3HX-wUZaHs1TNhC-jfY3Hr0gmty-IkLcksOEywkAefq0inVM46RG1i7z6xbVsq2HYgapXU7n4-id/s1600/IMG_9476.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">me escaping office , but doing office work </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6_DcrHBnkr5mxDzdZhc4BzfuAod14ugFBBiZmDsKjJ2dZu2kubX4qsaWx-q7T-hbdTBwWJMOqFWUoV8rXCXdP-P7PRwRgGP6PPTGBuRdJOZxd_AbTh7_18Cws3x7aeSqZ7nEPZfbS8YQ5/s1600/99cd20a3-f30f-4ebd-9e65-b1c3444e2428.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6_DcrHBnkr5mxDzdZhc4BzfuAod14ugFBBiZmDsKjJ2dZu2kubX4qsaWx-q7T-hbdTBwWJMOqFWUoV8rXCXdP-P7PRwRgGP6PPTGBuRdJOZxd_AbTh7_18Cws3x7aeSqZ7nEPZfbS8YQ5/s1600/99cd20a3-f30f-4ebd-9e65-b1c3444e2428.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the fellow members of Pejabat Penasihat Undang-Undang Negeri Melaka during our teambuilding weekend.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4CEYJJmcZoTmK67JPRsz4h0C0rRp8QBB_RdspxZUf64kgalHQxRXdxwG3aralHv0zUzBSGhMgl9-XeglIudQzCNHRIkVHp2E85G5QJSQJLuQ6jjvtA6dtfM2No5G8pRtslYRX2mmIRDGJ/s1600/IMG_9372.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4CEYJJmcZoTmK67JPRsz4h0C0rRp8QBB_RdspxZUf64kgalHQxRXdxwG3aralHv0zUzBSGhMgl9-XeglIudQzCNHRIkVHp2E85G5QJSQJLuQ6jjvtA6dtfM2No5G8pRtslYRX2mmIRDGJ/s1600/IMG_9372.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">obviously me fancying over my ownself the end haha<br /><br /></td></tr>
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Love, theann.</div>
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Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-49628614027419300842019-08-13T22:45:00.003+08:002019-08-13T22:45:53.189+08:00be courteous enough <div style="text-align: justify;">
well hellu, now that its school holiday again , I'm reminded of one logic I hardly churn when it comes to time taken to travel for work , I couldn't link between why the time to travel got shorter when its school holiday. I mean the school is still there, the road is the same , same goes to the speed. </div>
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To finally realize that there's a major difference in the amount of cars/vehicles on the road, because obviously with me or without me realizing, parents send their kids to school by vehicles not with some sort of magic door. That this morning it took me only 15 minutes ( with all the green traffic lights ) , when I usually take 25 minutes to drive to work.</div>
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Going to work when its school holiday is such AN EFFORT Z Z Z ! </div>
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Because everyone else is still sleeping, but here you are brushing your teeth , under the warm rainy shower, thinking about how can I earn money without the need to work, but you go to work regardless. [ But of course I tipu because I don't freaking do thinking in the shower HAHA so this is written for a drama purpose ] With the heaviest heart. </div>
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But to be honest, I am actually so conflicted because working do make me happy - but I love sleeping too. forever dilemma, I need to make money haha</div>
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Sooooo the reason why I am writing today is because of something that happened few days back , I was talking to a friend unfortunately dealing with series of heartbreak , that somehow it feel relatable because I was once in the same , if not off the same size, almost a similar shoe.</div>
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That the guy who pursue her vanished through thin air after my friend thought that they're both resonating the same wavelength and moving at a good pace of being together. And knowing my friend , I always know that she's a type of person who would rather take all the blame, and she's blaming herself for the guy's silent treatment. She even gave different reasons for the person who don't even bother at creating one.</div>
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And it frustrates me for the fact that , why aren't you being courteous enough to respect someone's time and feelings. I am not sure about other woman, but as for me and my friend , if you don't wish to pursue the relationship even further, what we ever wanted is for you to verbally put it into words that you want a full stop. </div>
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Just don't keep everything hanging , because we fragile human beings hang in there .</div>
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I know some of you might be off the opinion that why hang in there, walk away like the other party do. I guess it was simply because, we personally feel that there are bare/enough reasons to stay , all we every wanted is an affirmation. </div>
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Whether you're willing to commit or you just want everything to end. Of course affirmation alone is never enough, but at the very start of something, an affirmation give a bit of assurance to a fragile heart who's hopeful.</div>
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Because they are people who freaking wait - for an open ended possibilities.<br />
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Be courteous enough, be respectful , just be humane. Please? </div>
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You either carry on or crush it when you had the chance. But I think its not good to let someone wait for you, and I'll be forever thankful if someone had the gut to properly end it, it is accepted that broken heart came in a package, but breaking and crushing it at the very start is always better than prolonging it. </div>
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Somehow this reminds me to do the same with people whom I see no future with. In the past I would say that I am in no position to be the one who walk away. It goes up to a point where it gets too comfortable at being the one who left behind, that heartbreaks are totally my thing ( and I become better at handling one ) ( I invested less and be more cautious ) . </div>
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But somehow I did find myself in situation where somebody wanted to know me, and after giving the chances to both me and the opposite side, and just when I think this can't move to the other stage of relationship, I would want to see me apologizing and to say it at the very first instance what my thoughts are.<br />
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Once in the past, exactly three months back, I happened to be the one who wanting to silently walking away , not because I wanted to go , but I think I should be the one who leave first so I can save myself from severe heartbreaks, but it came to my surprise that the person reminds me of my very own vow that I used to utter at the very start of the relation which I said<br />
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<i>' Please be kind enough to let me know if someday you no longer fancies me, or wanting to walk away, I need no reason, just be courteous enough to let me know ' </i><br />
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and tadada I am actually the one who goes against my words. But it feels good that someone actually take note on the melodramatic side of me, of the random things I said leeeeuls. </div>
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After quite some time, getting to know people - falling in love , taught me things like when it comes to relationship, whatever feelings that derived from the relationship be it love, hate , sad or anger, should be equally shared. So long that those feelings can be communicated and delivered, two person who's committed to that relation should be able to exchange those. </div>
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That if at the first sight, if you're feeling tired or deprived, you should let the other party knows about it. And if they happened to not entertain that part , or choose to ignore it , not even trying to confront it, then if its me, I don't think the relationship worth my time and investment. </div>
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I used to be the person who suck up to all of the sad and tired emotion, thinking that its worth investing at the initial stage of relation ( because I am all ambitious that the guy will commit the same , just as much as I did ) , but it does not work out that way, at least for me. </div>
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I had to emphasize the part of 'at least for me/myself' because somebody else might have different opinion on how these things works and these things don't have a solution that one size fits all. </div>
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it feels so good that I am writing , it feels a bit sad that I had to filter so many things that shouldn't be written down here. My life nowadays revolves around me, family and work, that I don't have much thing going outside these circles. </div>
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till we meet again xx </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK9ib2LxDzNj2L72O7CY7N7betAZop9KU0CP6YOFuNrat9QnchnbHQev6RJpG5iunYRgv9ApAJzSOS_zzQ3YItfJ4Z5R5rfiJ4_bwqS-f_uEeRQwF1yOhaVuos2etOc1e66kPXjHULXIsJ/s1600/IMG_20150402_101139-ANIMATION.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="690" data-original-width="932" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK9ib2LxDzNj2L72O7CY7N7betAZop9KU0CP6YOFuNrat9QnchnbHQev6RJpG5iunYRgv9ApAJzSOS_zzQ3YItfJ4Z5R5rfiJ4_bwqS-f_uEeRQwF1yOhaVuos2etOc1e66kPXjHULXIsJ/s1600/IMG_20150402_101139-ANIMATION.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't even know I can put this kind of photo on the blog , I mean like the one we saw in Harry Potter HA-HA ,<br /><br />one of the house we visit back in Cordoba, Spain back in April 2015 <3</td></tr>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-68007418199413495112019-07-28T00:19:00.002+08:002019-07-28T00:19:44.231+08:00'There's always a first time for something...'<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know how boring 'it's been a while' as an introduction haha but I have no other fancier introduction. </div>
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It feels surreal that once I felt the end of July seems so far away, yet now I am at the last few days of July. </div>
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One of the reason why I am writing today, is to record my first time driving on highway ALONE ! </div>
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I know its like a no brainer thing - seems easy to many like mehhh , but I guess its such an achievement for myself. Its been a constant battle that I always choose to avoid at all costs, I fancy travelling with public transports, wouldn't mind the hassle of jumping here and there ( checking the schedule or whatnot ) just because I don't fancy driving.</div>
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I personally think the word fancy doesn't do justice to the actual feeling I had about driving. and I don't even know whether to classify it as traumatic / anxiety / constant fear . </div>
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That sometimes it seems too much for the heart to take, that I choose not to deal with the feelings - most of the time. </div>
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I don't exactly know how it ended this way , but it was on Tuesday when Kak Lin, one of our senior staff in the office texted me whether I'm free to attend the course in Putrajaya. Considering that my last course was back in February, and money laundering seems appealing as a topic, I said YES. The thoughts of how to reach there - via what - with what was triggered once I reached the office, when I read the work email confirming my attendance to the course. </div>
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<i>why did I signed up for this again- regardless damage done</i>. I thought. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">:)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYzF_OF-KVEq2p7KEhuOoQsZ1da3ea0FZT0CxOrVAW9HPli3kR38pjqoGMOMd7N2n4IY4hcm7rMIK_YUuHM-TfO9WkiCbkkSifjsBJ9iEMEzWwYDMffBlxkayjaDp4xezvFLEmgNPcW8em/s1600/IMG_8300.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYzF_OF-KVEq2p7KEhuOoQsZ1da3ea0FZT0CxOrVAW9HPli3kR38pjqoGMOMd7N2n4IY4hcm7rMIK_YUuHM-TfO9WkiCbkkSifjsBJ9iEMEzWwYDMffBlxkayjaDp4xezvFLEmgNPcW8em/s1600/IMG_8300.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">back at the place where I attended my interview , back in November last year. Here again, for God knows better whats best :)</td></tr>
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I told my mom about the course and I asked her whats easy, then she said I should drive. </div>
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I had a small feast happening at my place on Thursday night , I was restless for the whole day and head to Putrajaya the next day early morning at 6.15 am. Didn't properly sleep too. </div>
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Alhamdulillah it was a smooth driving until I reached Negeri Sembilan when the volume of cars gradually increases . I am thankful that nowadays I am better at estimating distance as per guidance of the google maps. I was just a bit scared if I happened to surpass the speed limits allocated at the non familiar routes but I just checked fiuh none so far haha. </div>
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No matter how appealing a Waze app can be because it tells you whatever police-behind-the-trees-hidin-to-catch-you-speeding , I will always revert to Google Maps because it tells me which lane I should take, and I can control my speeding , but I can't really comprehend my gelabah'ness haha is that even a word girl </div>
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I even braced Kuala Lumpur traffic without being honked ( wow sis pat your own back hahaha wow own commentaries haha ) , made ad-hock plans to meet my girls because I thought it would be good if I can have a bite of meatball ( tbh its BITES of MEATBALLS ) at Ikea. </div>
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Initially the plan was to have a good chat over fancy foods Ikea is offering, but my timeline was ahead of the girls, so I decided to just take my own sweet time - I put on my earphone with the highest volume , playing my 1345th level of Candy Crush while churning down the meatballs with broccoli in the midst of very busy and loud food court. </div>
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And somehow it feels good , because its been a while since I had that kind of much needed 'me' time. </div>
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For the past few weeks, I barely enjoy my lunch hour as my court starts somewhere at 9 ish ( but I arrived at 9 sharp usually ) until half past one , or a quarter to two or sometimes it goes up to two ish. Then I'll drive back to the office, make a pit stop at the cafe downstairs to grab lunch ( which most of the time its fried rice because no one serves good nasi campur at 2 ish ) and to the office , I'll eat while reading my work mails , or looking at the investigation papers on the table, to check whether they want it asap or its something I can delay. </div>
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In a way , its been like that for more than weeks, that I have my utmost respect to my seniors who excellently brace such schedule every single day. </div>
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By the time I reached home, I was just too tired to function, that overtimes I left my work backpack in the car because I know I would not unzipped the bag unless I had this unwashed tupperware inside the bag. </div>
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I guess I am turning into such a boring lady who doesn't live a life , I am lazy to entertain people - not bother to talk - EVEN THE THOUGHTS OF WRITING a blog post didn't pass through my membranes. Because I simply think I am living in a monotonous life. </div>
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That sometimes the only thing I looked forward to do in a day is to redeem my free gift on Candy Crush ( so I didn't left a day and had to wait again for the reward lol so hard to explain haha the gist is I CAN'T MISS A DAY ) and finish the five lives in one go. And sometimes I waited for good twenty five minutes for a life to be offered. </div>
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uhm boring haha. </div>
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But regardless, I am just so proud of myself, for choosing to conquer my forever fear , and to always allow my own-self the chance to take up challenges , and this should be recorded here as one of my 'first time for something' episodes. </div>
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This phrase is always resonating inside my head, from the very first time I heard the phrase which was uttered by a senior of mine.</div>
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For such a general phrase , I've been allowing myself to try whatever good opportunities that came before me ( especially the one that's coupled with strong fear ) . </div>
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And despite still receiving questions like " In what year you're in now for secondary school 😆?" , adulting feels real. I've been learning a lot by doing things and this is one of it. Hidup menuntut pengorbanan bukan? </div>
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Allah certainly make it easy too. </div>
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I guess every time I entering a junction which was not equipped with traffic lights , He'll either make the road just for me , or good samaritans stop to give me a way because I was scared and took quite sometime to make 'safe entrance' after the signal sign was turned on ( after the tenth blink haha )</div>
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I safely arrived home this morning , God knows how many times I yawned with my eyes open ( and eventually become teary ) , singing to the loudest volume of speaker to later realize I had such a sappy playlist for a drive haha , and stopped singing because I think singing will make my throat thirsty haha and I can't multitask while driving. </div>
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I still fancy hopping on public transports though , but there's one kind of charm/vibes when you're handling your own transport. Suddenly there's this list of things you need to think of , like where can I park this safely , or how much a parking ticket would cost me. </div>
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Had a short breakfast date with the girls this morning after spending a night with them ( how friendship evolving from staying up late night to be widely awake in the morning and had a talk over breakfast ) , and its just so comforting. I'm back to a familiar setting , watched a movie *more like offering commentaries * stupid ones and laughing , just laying around . Worth bracing the traffics haha.</div>
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Live well girls, just how you guys put my heart at ease without me realizing how , may Allah make it easy for you guys too :)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbOpolHK6-JQRdT1MrI9uSAf6jjQUTqjijFL_vmvL00iPqVEZ4o2JcDw2bq9k3-r-2nB8sjUq0E2CeRSW4-N4EllEDD0ZMAsKSt298K8wgbLpgY7RcOhigEeVCCVqf1eqEW5V-U0rCGN9V/s1600/83eb6863-4669-4d80-ad72-11445f32f6de.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbOpolHK6-JQRdT1MrI9uSAf6jjQUTqjijFL_vmvL00iPqVEZ4o2JcDw2bq9k3-r-2nB8sjUq0E2CeRSW4-N4EllEDD0ZMAsKSt298K8wgbLpgY7RcOhigEeVCCVqf1eqEW5V-U0rCGN9V/s1600/83eb6863-4669-4d80-ad72-11445f32f6de.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">kaulah bentuk terindah, dari baiknya Tuhan padaku :)</td></tr>
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Love, the'ann<br />
<br />Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-76034607838104339872019-07-05T11:24:00.000+08:002019-07-05T11:24:58.263+08:00off being prejudice.<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I SWEAR THIS HAS BEEN INSIDE THE DRAFT FOR THE LONGEST PERIOD OF TIME T.T </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">because I've been thinking and pondering as a result to countering this whole post ; and the amount of notes I randomly write at whatever form of papers found (be it my notebook / unused papers found in my room / on my table in the office)</span></i></div>
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prejudice</div>
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/ˈprɛdʒʊdɪs/</div>
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noun</div>
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1. preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.</div>
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and guess who has been preconceived by endless amount of opinions from people to people that had indirectly affect on how I behave / how I reacted being around the person. </div>
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And its just so sad to see myself let all these pre-judgement prevails before allowing myself to get to know the person / to experience myself dealing with the person.</div>
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Not that I reacted negatively ( on the outside ) but it obviously bares me from getting to know the person personally due to all the 'hear-say' stories I've been receiving from people around me. I used to be someone who's aware of all the pre-judgements , and to only allow it to become my own belief and stand once I've encountered the event that verify the earlier judgement.</div>
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But nowadays, drawing such boundaries ain't that easy anymore.</div>
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and its even worse when I have to deal with such situation with someone , lets name that someone X ( unknown to public but well known to myself ha-ha ) whom I need to work very closely with.</div>
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since I've been allowing all the pre-judgement prevails based on the stories I heard about X , and due to that - I've cautioned myself too much that I hardly be comfortable being around X. . Its a real struggle to actually delete all the prevailed pre-judgement I had about X , that I constantly need to remind my own self to be a fair person, to let down my unnecessary guards .</div>
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X is known for being hard and stern , when it came before me that in some occasions , X had that sides that is easy to be approached where I failed to notice earlier as I am being prejudice . </div>
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But to my defence [ HAHA ] not to say all the pre-judgement not valid, as it was a result to some other people personal experience dealing with X. they said <i>' Masakan pokok bergoyang kalau tiada angin ? </i>' wow wow Najwa I'm szo impressed with myself HAHA</div>
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BUT, MIND THAT everyone is entitled to feel whatever their feelings are, and to react accordingly to their feelings and not judged for feeling so. </div>
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Its only my personal opinion , as an individual who can only have control over my own action and own feelings, I should have been more careful myself and to be reminded , that different people have different degree of tolerance + surrounding + stuck in that certain impression as the event and displeasing encounter was unfortunate enough to happen.</div>
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Lesson learnt , in many many ways, your behavior are continuously judged and brought forward from mouth to mouth, which people will also be prejudice towards you like wayyyyy before they know your personally. </div>
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You in some ways, building repo's through the stories passed from someone to someone. THAT IF they pass something good. And sadly, you can't stop someone from bringing whatever information they received, which you hardly verify the truth </div>
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You can be either the one who receive the info and keep it to yourself or be the one who choose to either brought forward the words around. </div>
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I can't help on being the one who receive it as sometimes I am stuck in the situation, but god forbids that I should try my very best to be the one who carry the words around. . I mean sometimes when it become too common, it slips through your tongue as everyone else is doing it and it feels totally okay for you to do so - when the truth is , it should not be okay. As Allah says its not okay. </div>
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I break so many rules, straying myself away from Allah in many sense that it goes up to a point where my heart be so senseless. It saddens me of course, that the sin that you do doesn't tickle your heart / burdens it. It is sad that something you've been preaching and practicing years back, has been continuously abandoned. </div>
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That I know the only solution to it is to crawl back to Him. </div>
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To force myself to do whatever it takes for Him to lend me a bit of the ability to make the good and bad distinct from one another. </div>
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To make feel its not okay when I did something not okay and otherwise. And to crawl means to force myself to make judgement based on what I've learned and the values that were being taught all these years. </div>
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it includes certain degree of restraining from my conscious side. To restrain myself from using people as a subject matter in a conversation. with hopes that such efforts are being counted. </div>
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this phase of life reminds me off the last short reminder from my kakak usrah in the UK </div>
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<i>Jaga Allah, Allah akan jaga kita. </i></div>
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surely, someone has been continuosly lacking :( banyak sangat hak Allah yang tak tertunai dan tidak dijaga :( </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSHTu1KNVhLNQoJhk5NDN9VYXctJR_P4lCniw5L5-BPh-4qZJFqUsHYBTLg4K0BLuFn4nZK9yGGhpNYIhvzGDI1uLVu490gEpxQwFDCe_aPWnGZcDxZr0PWxa2svob_gN4YQHe3D-mWEZ9/s1600/IMG_7852.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="712" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSHTu1KNVhLNQoJhk5NDN9VYXctJR_P4lCniw5L5-BPh-4qZJFqUsHYBTLg4K0BLuFn4nZK9yGGhpNYIhvzGDI1uLVu490gEpxQwFDCe_aPWnGZcDxZr0PWxa2svob_gN4YQHe3D-mWEZ9/s1600/IMG_7852.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">like the Empire that stands, but has significantly looses its value.<br />
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Granada, Spain March 2015</td></tr>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-63066138289359656452019-06-18T15:06:00.000+08:002019-06-18T15:08:28.546+08:00How would you know , you're deeply in love? <div style="text-align: center;">
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<i>.. cheesy post ahead, kindly skip..</i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"You are in love with me deeply aren't you? "</span></i></div>
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the question came to me twice in the video call we had earlier while getting that deep stare. Well to be honest it kinda stuck inside me that such cheesy question got me thinking , what is it feels like falling in love? or even more, deeply in love?</div>
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because the person who posed the question to me, almost never posed such question to me before. Hence why such confusion.</div>
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well of course the very first answer to that answer would be bare playful denial >.<</div>
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Spent the few minutes of dozing off before sleeping asking myself ' Do you really? ' and it got me thinking,</div>
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do falling in love deeply means your heart couldn't contain the love that it feels full and in some exaggerating expression , it feels like bursting.</div>
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or does it mean that you see a future with the person, although future is subjected to vague degree of certainty.</div>
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or does it mean that you see the need to be talking and updating with the person</div>
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or does it mean you feel absolute comfort of just being you ( ugly-angry-smelly ( all the negative-LY )</div>
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or everything above. because I am a total amateur here, or maybe all other relationships I had earlier is a mere touch and go ( or maybe a smart tag HA-HA GET THE JOKES PLEASE MALAYSIAN or maybe RFID * laughing like no tomorrow )</div>
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I am not sure if I'm deeply in love because I've cautioned myself on where it might lead me , and the severity of heartbreak due to such hope and attachment - but I am very sure I feel the comfort of being myself. I don't need to pretend - I am comfortable at showing my bare face well tbh I am comfortable to show it to everyone else too wa-ka-ka , I can let my guard down ; be absolute vulnerable. I can tell whatever things that crosses my head , just almost everything. </div>
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well figuring all these had cost me a fortune of time length and emotion goes on strike - and experimenting it by trying to know other people. </div>
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I would always say I am more off a logic / quantitative kind of person, where along the way I met people who's already very stable, very charming to my eyes in various sense, very likely becoming the ticket for me to enjoy life financially , someone who's ready to settle down that the only thing left in their list is to secure a partner , or having a clear vision of settling down in the land far away from home, but yet I call it home . </div>
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I had all the chance, but many things feels not right. I am not willing to sacrifice the chatty side of me, or would not able to tolerate someone who will make me loose my stand and identity. </div>
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I met people who pisses me off at the very first instance for using weird spellings , or people who're being too pushy at wanting private number when I offered my social medias as a communication platform. </div>
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By far trust me that A is the only human being who agreed to stay on those platform as he said ' I don't mind so long we can talk here' which that amuses me because somebody finally understand the reason I hesitated . It's so simple yet many failed to brain the logic. </div>
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in between writing this, I told A about these whole context , because it got me thinking. And his answer was yet rather simpler as opposed to my overthinking section in the brain haha </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ojDEdh7wFlPx7w1wlCQ6PKcesO9i9D00T1MjrvuNpfraSDKrQ3JX9tdYk_d_uLvPAx3q_ceWHV-v0TxgurLDwrVWGchoZzYPjWXrH1SRI-y42EK59i4hOpQSSYFJ2yCwgjp8VlwvkJaw/s1600/5F016DCF-2683-44B6-8725-AF2E18C5964B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1334" data-original-width="750" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ojDEdh7wFlPx7w1wlCQ6PKcesO9i9D00T1MjrvuNpfraSDKrQ3JX9tdYk_d_uLvPAx3q_ceWHV-v0TxgurLDwrVWGchoZzYPjWXrH1SRI-y42EK59i4hOpQSSYFJ2yCwgjp8VlwvkJaw/s1600/5F016DCF-2683-44B6-8725-AF2E18C5964B.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't really verify this as I smile on daily basis , with or without people hahahhaha ( still in denial )<br />
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love may also means sacrificing your usual morning after subuh sleep , because you fancy being awake talking with someone you dream for in the future? ewww cheesayh </td></tr>
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.Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-79120638103821705552019-06-09T21:48:00.001+08:002019-06-09T21:48:19.365+08:00Quarter 100th and my first big commitment ! <div style="text-align: justify;">
For the past few years, I'll always make sure that I'll write something in here on my birthday but it seems like I am bit lacking this year considering two weeks have passed and someone officially turned 25. </div>
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Two weeks back I was not in my best version, well up till today I'd say. But certainly getting better insyaAllah. </div>
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So it got me thinking what worth writing in here to commemorate the turning one year older, I mean there's a lot things changing ( in fact there's so much things that changed as compared to previous years ). </div>
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Two years back I finished my degree year with Commercial Law paper on my birthday. One year later, I find myself struggling, at one of my fragile state ( broke, dumb at churning CLP stuff , uncertain about what lies ahead me ) </div>
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its magical how one year has passed and I am now officially working ( learning and struggling, but alhamdulillah enjoying ) at the place where I don't initially wish for, but that's whats best Allah written down for me. I am no longer tied with the long hours of studying / earning professional piece of acknowledgement. </div>
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and to the newest addition ( read : commitment ) , I hire purchased A CAR ! </div>
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And of course reading different threads on how to be healthy financially - includes not buying a car at the very start of your career as it deteriorates in value, to later accept that it differs from a person to a person. It may be applicable across the board , things like you shouldn't purchase a car that exceed certain percentage of your wage / a car is bought to serve its purpose to drive you around as opposed to showing off to people . </div>
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But one of the very first thing asked by my boss during our induction week was, do we have license ? and do we own a transport ? </div>
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which to say, its compulsory for you to own a transport so you can function properly. We do have a hand me down Toyota Unser as a family car which may be economically convenient if you're moving around as a group - going to work alone using that chunky boy was certainly carving a hole in my bank account. </div>
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I cry to every cents I spent to feed the car with fuel. I was lucky that in a day, I would travel well at least goes up to 30 km daily ( home office court and cycle repeat ) or else, there's even a larger pot hole of meteor falling off the sky left the account untraceable >.<</div>
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I had to wait two months plus for the car to arrive , as I specifically want the Greynite Grey colour as other colours doesn't really makes sense to me. </div>
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And for the two months, I've been interchangeably driving my mom's Myvi and my dad's Unser. and some days I was too confused to be changing cars as I put my suit in the other car, plus my working shoes too. so changing cars are real hassle in the morning. I redha je bawak Unser pun haha. </div>
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it was during my birthday week that I was finally doing arrangements on getting identity ( read plate number ) for my car - settling insurance - paying maybe a quarter or less deposit * hehe because my father pays the rest that I thought I can get the car as my birthday gift . </div>
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But it doesn't really happen on my birthday, but close enough for me to take everything in consideration at one time. </div>
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I mean , I know when my birthday is approaching next year , I need to renew my car road tax and renew my license ( I JUST REALIZED I'M GOING TO BE SUPER BROKE ON MY 26TH BIRTHDAY HELP HAHA ) Rip adulting. sobs. </div>
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I would say after taking many many factors in consideration, including prospective career wise ( which is too complicated for me to explain here ), I make my first big purchase in life. </div>
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It saddens me of course that a percentage of my wage goes to a nine years of commitment , but I know I need it.Until and unless Melaka or places around the country offers superb public transport to the places I need to go to on daily basis , having my own car will be economically wise for myself. </div>
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agitewwww explanation I owes to no one haha. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDtmukKTboLNm_74sBsBn-gmA-2IJBt20BFk5ns_Xx3Ax7J25DRnYrYz00PTyF7BFqiv8CFL9jzQh-tzucAwQGyZqgG9BMFoLOC8j7WSBmBge56PoEehN_jXTLp7ynpbhG_3LEi0n_rCeN/s1600/IMG_7493.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDtmukKTboLNm_74sBsBn-gmA-2IJBt20BFk5ns_Xx3Ax7J25DRnYrYz00PTyF7BFqiv8CFL9jzQh-tzucAwQGyZqgG9BMFoLOC8j7WSBmBge56PoEehN_jXTLp7ynpbhG_3LEi0n_rCeN/s1600/IMG_7493.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I would say I am pretty reckless person when it comes to taking care of this thing, so I finally pampered him/her still haven't decide yet haha after two weeks of bumpy ride ahah </td></tr>
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But serious , financial advises can differs from person to person so don't be too rigid and copy paste every advises to your life , take whats applicable and the advises that sounds sound to your plans. so lists down your commitments and weigh the balance of desire or need. </div>
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I am still exploring the car at the moment, understanding the forever can't be understood eco things - or why auto turn off of engine helps the car and environment ( enlighten me pliish haha ) . Today I just figured that my car has a key I mean physical silver coloured key * laugh at 16 audible what * attached to the car remote. </div>
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I thought that was just a thing that we hook some keychains hahahhahaha 😂 . I can't be that stupid but I AM . </div>
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I guess that's it so far, the fanciest addition at the age of 25. </div>
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I was way too tired on my birthday actually. </div>
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I was fasting - there's this office photoshoot going on under the scorching hot sun in the middle of flower fields or should I say trees. Then back home to nag my brothers to finish packing as we need to catch a bus at 6.00 pm. </div>
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The forever updating system of Melaka Central tested my nerves as I paid for service on online ticket platforms - and I need to add another 70 cents per ticket to make it physical for the bar code. It was a peak hour that we need to rush from home to the bus station , then to fight with the queue of people printing the same. </div>
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Close call, we arrived and settled everything 10 minutes before the departure. Had a humbling setting of iftar on the bus, which I kinda miss doing. A year back that's a common thing to do every weekend though. </div>
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stopped at TBS to catch the next bus to Perlis - and it came an hour plus late than scheduled, not even a sorry from the driver. I know you have all these traffic jams but you scheduled it for that hour and I buy the ticket to move at that agreed time , you can't simply mess with someone's plan like that. </div>
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I thought we can make it before sahur in Perlis but we arrived somewhere at 7 I guess. duhhhhhhhh my savoury tongue had to accept chocolate for sahur because that's the only thing I had in my bad and I didn't foresee such event to happen looool. </div>
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oh yasss I remember something happened on the day. </div>
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I was of course very upset with the late bus, very tired from the long day at court and to find an uncle UN-courteously played a high volume of Youtube without his earphone. Loud enough to be disturbing my sleep that I sighed angrily with my eyes closed wakaka there's babies crying then here comes a non civilized uncle - talking about a 12.00 am scene on bus where we expect normal human beings to sleep at that time. </div>
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WHY NO COMMON SENSE DEY UNCLE *me screaming on the inside joining the babies crying bands on the bus*</div>
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My brother noticed that and bravely talk to the uncle ' Excuses me sir, can you lower the volume, thank you ' AND he straightly close his phone, and sleeps like everyone else. I cry. My brother is wise enough to do that and there goes my birthday story loool.</div>
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I am so grumpy that I would pity my not yet found husband for the grumpiness I had in me. Yesterday someone tries to talk to me / after he didn't read my bio on my profile ; that I didn't approve someone I don't know , so I thought I should ask whether I know him . </div>
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Then he replied me with the weird spellings which my 14 years self use back then and THAT SHORTEST LINE PISSED ME OFF , and turn me off too that I no longer want to participate in the conversation haha. </div>
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maybe I should learn to chill a bit heh.<br />
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not everyday someone turns quarter 100th ey. so here you go :D<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8o97AMHrvSp94UOzQqOuZwxBuhaIeXh4vSuyK6DRnWh8qg77sBtCu1Fn21m5TkE4LYWmXEEkrbyvgXiGHKlz1j13hpENMoc4VWMWz15MK8-McOOGm0YIYgtM880RQxlE5tWScSE_fjW5Y/s1600/IMG_7352.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8o97AMHrvSp94UOzQqOuZwxBuhaIeXh4vSuyK6DRnWh8qg77sBtCu1Fn21m5TkE4LYWmXEEkrbyvgXiGHKlz1j13hpENMoc4VWMWz15MK8-McOOGm0YIYgtM880RQxlE5tWScSE_fjW5Y/s1600/IMG_7352.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">officially 25 , emotionally sound and stable. At the moment and hopefully it lasts. </td></tr>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-46912093917084861762019-05-21T05:14:00.000+08:002019-05-21T05:14:11.987+08:00The week has been so long and weary. That I keep telling myself that’s it’s okay. You got this. When parts of me are just breaking , and I couldn’t contain it all. I wonder why is it so wrong for me to say it’s not okay when it’s not. That’s when I figured that accepting I’m not okay would actually bring me nowhere. I don’t want to make it hard for somebody else just because of my personal feelings. Throwing tantrums , listing every single thing I’m dissatisfied about - would never put my heart at rest. I badly wanted a fair share to this broken pieces. Why is it that I’m affected more than anyone else - why it’s so easy for everyone to cope but not me.<br />
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I envied that. A lot.<br />
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I wish this will be easy for me too.<br />
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And I no longer wish to fight . People stay if they want to stay. And if they’re leaving then they should be free to do so.<br />
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Do you ever wonder how it feels like to be dealing with the feelings of unworthiness<br />
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-‘I wish this to stop.<br />
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-75446159637579292762019-05-17T10:20:00.000+08:002019-05-17T10:20:03.089+08:00♥<div style="text-align: justify;">
The past one week has been a long one for me that finally its Friday ! I can be screaming on top of my lung that finally we're on the last day of the week and its another long weekend * cries a Rajang river HA-HA </div>
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the start of the week was not so good for me</div>
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My heart was burdened and I cried my heart out at night, that I found myself loosing the appetite to eat - I drink and eat dates for the sake of surviving the long day ahead , to later find that someone else add fire to the burning oil. I was at my fragilest state , that I sobbed when I was talking to my mom in the phone. Just why everyone had to torture my emotion. At a very close proximity of time and space. </div>
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BUT I guess my life is blessed by people from strangers, to friends that has been strangely accommodating and soothing. Like even without me addressing the issues I had , random hours of random chatting had slowly lighten the heart. </div>
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I have people who eased my life in ways I couldn't think off. </div>
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That when one decided to ditch / ignore me , there's always somebody who needs me to listen, to offer advice, to just be there. </div>
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That I shouldn't be so greedy myself to foresee such blessing isn't it. </div>
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Though they say the one who caused it had the power to heal the part of heart that has been gravely wounded. </div>
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But human doesn't have the healing powers, they never own it, its a blessing bestowed upon us from Him. </div>
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So its always better to seek recovery from the ultimate power that heals - </div>
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and will hopefully , somehow make the heart feel at ease again. </div>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-3395428019658740432019-05-14T08:40:00.000+08:002019-05-14T08:45:54.621+08:00Be a child while you're still a child<div style="text-align: justify;">
( wrote this down at different time so the wording for the setting and timing kinda gets awkward )<br />
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We're down to the second week of Ramadhan, and everything seems bearable at the moment ( after deciding to do absolutely nothing concerning work over weekend 😂 . The only time I attended the work bag is the day I'm back at work lels )</div>
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Its Mothers Day yesterday , but I found it so hard to wish my mother since morning partly because I was partially living ( and not functioning as normal human being on other normal days ) lying on the bed all day doing all sorts of thing within the radius that is reachable by hands or legs. I don't usually lock myself inside the room, I will always find myself outside though it can't be verified at what time I stepped outside the room HA-HA .</div>
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I could feel the tense of being missing from the outside world HA-HA ( maybe its just me heh )</div>
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Well to make up to that, I decided not to bug my mom by doing the cooking ( tipu ; because Asam Pedas is my jammed so I'll be the one who cook it in the house ) ( itu pun boleh berangan tak masuk cili boh masa tumis - it was when I poured all the asam jawa mixture in the pot and the colour of the gravy is yellow dang ! I am like WHAT ASAM PEDAS WITHOUT THE CHILIES *cries* that I had to fry the chilies separately and to mix it afterwards. Thank god it tasted decent. )</div>
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and I asked my brother to buy different kind of cakes from any fancy cakes place he could find. well he went back home without the cake as he found no cakes even at cake stores * palm face *</div>
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but I guess it was time-lined nicely as ibu asked me to be the imam for Isyak Tarawikh in a meantime , I asked my brother to get the cakes without fail after breaking our fast So I kinda had an impromptu bonding session with my mom. </div>
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Just when I was checking the simple surah to vary my recitation because I got eight rakaat to go , can't be that lame isn't it reciting Al -Ikhlas / Al- Kauthar for all the rakaat haha . So I kinda hide what I am doing and my mom was like ' Hahhh you're looking at your boyfriend picture ' and I am like whutwhyshouldIlookatmynonexistingboyfriend moreover its PRAYER TIME *absurd annoyed</div>
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at the end of the day, we celebrated Mother's Day in a very simple setting with no cued whatsoever my brother decided to interrupt my mom while she's reading Quran lol and just when I am ironing my one whole week outfit *duhhhhhh<br />
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Still I find the day to be just meaningful - because the praying session with my mom.</div>
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Many of my friends would describe me as an obedient child and somehow to certain extent, I do agree to that. And I'll let you guys know the reasons why despite we're encouraged and expected to be an obedient child to our parents.</div>
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I grew up watching my mom as a child to her parents, which I would say she's very gentle and obedient too. I watched on how she talks, sharing all sorts of stories with my grandmother - like sometimes I can't even match her level as I am well known for my grumpiness [ and when I am angry, I am a reflection to my mother as we both will stay silent and my sister said that annoys her haha ] . </div>
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I watched her being there whenever my grandmother is at the kitchen, well sometimes to my defense I would say that I don't know what I supposed to do being in the kitchen , but as for her, the mere presence should suffice. You can be sitting at the table, offering little helps like washing the dishes, or cut the onions or just prepping the stuff she use for cooking.</div>
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Paying tributes to my mom too for building the characters I possessed today.</div>
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My mom taught me to be good despite people throwing bad things to you. Be good doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be taken for granted, but be good in the term of not throwing bad things in return,<br />
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she taught me to forgive - she taught me to be a bigger person when I couldn't relate like why she asked me to forgive people who has wronged me when I absolute nothing. </div>
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On top of it, she said to make prayers for these people . I think I can always recall her saying ' Maafkan dia Anis ' that overtimes I think I no longer have any egos for me to entertain. </div>
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For this soft sides I had in my heart, she's is the reason how and why. And I am thankful for it. </div>
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My mom taught me that life is not just about doing your part , giving your all for everything you do , she taught that life works with the help of God, with supplication of constant prayers GIVEN you do your part. She would supply me with all sorts of prayers she inherited from her grandparents, or random prayers she asked people around. Which I came to have if not same, almost the same level of spiritual dependence .</div>
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well of course character building doesn't happen over few days, my mom still scold me at this age, which she's always permissible to do that, because I know for certain that she's doing that for my own benefit.</div>
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I still consult her on the outfits I wish to buy, whether it looked good on me or not and I trusted her eyes. I found myself bugging her despite the time difference we had back then between Malaysia and UK ( and often I was szo frustrated by the St David shopping mall internet reception duh )</div>
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that sometimes I couldn't imagine how my life would be the day Allah wants her back .</div>
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Sometimes she may get a lil bit bossy ( which I don't think bossy is the right word ) about wanting to know every single thing that is happening inside my life, with whom I am talking ( I guess she's concerned ) with whom I am being friended with, but I am happy to share those details with her, not because I know where a relationship might ends, but just to put her in a position where I think she deserves it all. </div>
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Because if someday I am blessed with such opportunity to be a mom, I would love it if my daughter willingly sharing her life details with me, I would love to know who he / she being friended with. Though for now, I think being a mom seems, impossible. Not that I am never hopeful but I guess reality check. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
May Allah bless my mom, both my parents, and all moms in this world with good health. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was too tired yesterday , I had a long day, went back home with my work attire I helped my mom out to prepare for iftar, and it was after we had our Maghrib prayers together I put my head on her laps ( and just when I thought she's going to start reciting Quran, I moved ) </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>" Aren't you going to lie down? " </i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>" I am reading Quran because you want to put your head on my lap, or else I want to perform sunat prayer "</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I giggled 'hehe' and I put my head back on her lap. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anis, be a child while you're still a child. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK_I7dX3wd03slXbO3uY2oAj4c595D38JgjrNl7qcQrFqfvRysjH7xFitmZsBm1frLxIMxWEGLslk7EULRVuTRgAscHgkMrR87WFZwxUCpHohYDkUT9EyxWFPNWrNBKJ_jhka83NSYNbXc/s1600/IMG_6796.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK_I7dX3wd03slXbO3uY2oAj4c595D38JgjrNl7qcQrFqfvRysjH7xFitmZsBm1frLxIMxWEGLslk7EULRVuTRgAscHgkMrR87WFZwxUCpHohYDkUT9EyxWFPNWrNBKJ_jhka83NSYNbXc/s1600/IMG_6796.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I dont know how I am going to survive without you in my life. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-281896235456043742019-05-14T00:46:00.002+08:002019-05-14T00:46:47.553+08:00It’s okay Anis it’s okay I’ve foresee that such day like today would come . Sooner or later and be grateful that it happens today. That you need to constantly remind yourself that heartbreak is always the subtlest way of Allah answering your prayers. That this heartbreak will remove such attachments I long from a human being - Indeed I was too clueless isn’t it . I thought it’s love when its not even close.<br />
<br />
Anis it’s okay . It’s okay .<br />
You’re never the person who starts it but to later found yourself stuck. Everyone else will always take your feelings lightly , to take you for granted . Because unfortunately they’re human who breaks intentionally or not.<br />
<br />
You said to Allah that you’re not used to the role of someone who got away , so He make it easy for you again this time. Heartbreak is totally your thing that you’re very used at handling and tolerating. The pain hurts but time heals surely.<br />
<br />
Strange that this heart throbbing pain is something so familiar - but it’s always better than being heartless isn’t it<br />
<br />
Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-90377138768058028132019-05-08T08:17:00.001+08:002019-05-08T08:24:05.750+08:00Ramadhan , the healing begins with the hurt<div style="text-align: justify;">
I guess it was just too shameful to admit that I didn't welcome Ramadhan the way I supposed/ expect myself to welcome it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Initially I was okay for not welcoming the holy month which that should be worrying, not until I felt I am too swayed away by unnecessary emotions and I started to ponder why. Because it's been ongoing and forever, that something must not be right that these emotions are being written down as an issue I had to face. Its frustrating I tell you. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then just like a drama I would say, I started to pay attention on things that happening in my surrounding, just like bypassing from one instagram post / stories to another, I came across Ebit Lew's short video on Prof Muhaya's posts which says about everything that we do, should be for Allah to love us in return.<br />
<br />
He starts off by saying, don't be affected by people, don't ask from people, whatever people do or say to detriment you , it shouldn't make you sad as you live for Allah to love you </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
and it reminds me of my true purpose living on this earth, which to please the Lord by doing what He encourages us human to do, so long you're walking on that true lane. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
of course it sounded way too vague to be able to maintain such aspirations , as we deal with human on daily basis almost 24 hours 7 days - hence in many ways, we would find ourselves affected by human beings. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But to the very least, I had to agree that we shouldn't be asking/hoping for anything from humans. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why hope from a creature that destructs, with or without intention. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then I found myself talking a very dear sister of mine, which happened to be in every chapters and episode of my life witnessing the ugly parts of rebelling and struggling of mine.<br />
<br />
That with her I know I will be able to be true, and at the same time, I know she would have wanted good things to happen to me as well. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
first I asked her, what's her aim for this Ramadhan ?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
and she said not to miss tarawikh </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
then I asked her. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
[ the conversation featured are verbatim ] </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Do you know what it feels like when I don't feel like I'm welcoming Ramadhan at all </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It makes me sad</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And worthless</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
while I am regretting two days that have passed, she then said </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You can be hard on yourself but not for too long</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">InsyaAllah along this month , you'll find barakah in it </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And something to learn from </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Even though it doesn't start as of today</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There's still the rest of Ramadhan for you to embrace it </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
she then continued </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Its okay Najwa</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>Take your time</i> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
and one last thing that made me ponder </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But insyaAllah still do the bare minimum so the heart will always try to get close to Allah </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
despite me mourning over my behavior , I know it leads me to nowhere if I don't put any effort to revive the heart back. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
to the dear sister of mine, you know who you are, my short thank you wouldn't be enough isn't it? regardless, thank you. for everything I am very thankful for.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And in fact this has been something I've been constantly battling with.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've encountered the same heartless situations in the past years, FOR COUNTLESS OF TIMES where my heart loose its ability to feel neither happy or sad, aren't affected by things that supposed to make me sad -with that heartless heart, sometimes THE ONLY thing that I asked in my prayers, repetitively was<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">to make my heart regain its ability to feel </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am far from someone who loose hopes from the Al-Mighty hence I'm giving my half / my quarter / my everything I could offer to not make this month or the months after go wasted. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the fact that he make me sad while thinking about all these, I'm taking it as a sign that He wanted me to crawl back.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
and this morning while I was waiting for my Subuh prayer, I searched for a Podcast by Nouman Ali Khan lecturing about The Ayah of Ramadhan , which the first episode talks about the verse about Ramadhan in Quran , where we always associate it being a fasting month, Quran speaks about it being a month where the scripture are being revealed to the world. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hence it will be a good month to be reviving the relationship with the Guidance. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It can be as basic as learning the letters, or to revising back ways you read it , or to take your time to read and reflect over the verses. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The short 9 minutes of lecture had significantly giving a breathe of new air when I was flipping through my purple friend ( its the Quran I bought back in Scotland 2014 ) </div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZgT7njqFWHT69S2IEQ8YYvTRSw8mFRLX4666yd0cODm1k2XX6d-FqqyM8HY6tp2xT9VhrEMchIb70yRKZ1xzlmc0KsHKdDOrAU76acSXMLdTuSW8QV3HEo5pUv4G6uYoqeBE-FfGsVcIb/s1600/IMG_6660.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZgT7njqFWHT69S2IEQ8YYvTRSw8mFRLX4666yd0cODm1k2XX6d-FqqyM8HY6tp2xT9VhrEMchIb70yRKZ1xzlmc0KsHKdDOrAU76acSXMLdTuSW8QV3HEo5pUv4G6uYoqeBE-FfGsVcIb/s1600/IMG_6660.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">8:10 make it easy and don't make it hard </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
indeed Suhaib Rumi was right,<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">that the healing begins with the hurt</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am grateful that it hurts at the very first instance. </span></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>hopefully. </i><br />
<br />
Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-77618713571116881102019-05-06T13:28:00.000+08:002019-05-06T13:28:23.519+08:00make it easy for everyone else. <div style="text-align: justify;">
I just got back from a short retreat with my friends, being in the setting that I am comfortable to be in, with familiar people with absolutely accommodating feelings. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Very much reminding me of the good old days, be it back in Shah Alam when we're 19/20 and moving on the next chapter of our lives in the UK, 4 hours bus rides from Cardiff to Aberyswtyth feels like coming back to your hometown. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And later all of us back home, struggling to fit in the new life ( working and studying ) - I always find peace and joy whenever I am with them and to the present, where we're finding balance in life and working. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKBmxU1yRaNKnmZdv8FigOYSs1bjEXu3maSHFqrgdTySoJ-ZceXL6akXoD3HArS1Cc8336Ovo78r-HNEoOyn-FUTaj7MsiIqRsdJow_GMKBJNc9YHjFIsaAh-eZu2bteQy51TuIkOgkAhu/s1600/6972f0f9-2788-49d1-b378-8e102f08ce56.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="809" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKBmxU1yRaNKnmZdv8FigOYSs1bjEXu3maSHFqrgdTySoJ-ZceXL6akXoD3HArS1Cc8336Ovo78r-HNEoOyn-FUTaj7MsiIqRsdJow_GMKBJNc9YHjFIsaAh-eZu2bteQy51TuIkOgkAhu/s1600/6972f0f9-2788-49d1-b378-8e102f08ce56.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I was there when Ainaa got engaged, then got married and now soon a mummy ! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmKu1PhRQ3V0ftZVAKkWgf020Wkj_HTPqYiAB2jF14xrD7btCZKHATJYWoKMdAgSa2txYSjnyVLXVzeDooaYkTzeUd-66ELiVxkZziP0Y4t-VGdGYZVdl-sWL6_h-GTKR0PHBhBiOyzMRP/s1600/5411d9a1-f88d-4b68-b5de-05502571ec2c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="810" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmKu1PhRQ3V0ftZVAKkWgf020Wkj_HTPqYiAB2jF14xrD7btCZKHATJYWoKMdAgSa2txYSjnyVLXVzeDooaYkTzeUd-66ELiVxkZziP0Y4t-VGdGYZVdl-sWL6_h-GTKR0PHBhBiOyzMRP/s1600/5411d9a1-f88d-4b68-b5de-05502571ec2c.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">only god knows how much being around you guys, eased me , and made my heart feeling so content.I am so blessed. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0cdBidvbjypcxvxqYiJq6EqhXKV_aHKgU_TfoEC1Y9_odwZKECphc1T4xJ4u-7aPdQhXDMl4RG_jZwtMsbC17zy8hhUBnoG4-Aw0Rk0FPa22DnHfyRdxcgkPRVsQfQFeN1CNzUswG4qZ/s1600/63b2434c-c396-4786-af4c-0f27cf383e16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="810" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0cdBidvbjypcxvxqYiJq6EqhXKV_aHKgU_TfoEC1Y9_odwZKECphc1T4xJ4u-7aPdQhXDMl4RG_jZwtMsbC17zy8hhUBnoG4-Aw0Rk0FPa22DnHfyRdxcgkPRVsQfQFeN1CNzUswG4qZ/s1600/63b2434c-c396-4786-af4c-0f27cf383e16.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">missing Nasuha. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the past almost three months of working, I rarely find myself out from my place. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Partly because the cash flow was still pending, and time don't really match. It was when I had a three days off from work and making my way to Kuala Lumpur, it reminds me that I haven't had such retreat for quite a long time, I was restless with my job, and my duty as a daughter at home. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One day I found myself sobbing hard, because all I wanted to do on my off day was 'doing nothing' , I just want to lie on the bed all day, not tied to any house chores or any need to be committing to anyone, or maybe find myself to talk and babble about anything I had in mind with someone who would appreciate such moment. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Because I always know that my life is always about meeting countless of people that somehow it sucks out the energy from me , that my head is constantly wanting to escape. But I know I couldn't go that far. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I had everything in plan, but to later find that it conflicted with other people's plans they had in mind. I was devastated, all I want is a day off from everything. Hence why that sobbing hard happen ha-ha. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was conflicted between to decide to be just selfish for one day , or to give in in order to make it easy for everyone else. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then it was decided that its much better to make it easy for everyone. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I had to reassured myself for countless of times that it's okay Anis, it's okay. It was a painful feeling when you're the one who had to put yourself at ease. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But I've learned that, its life. well at the very least, a life that I choose to be in. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Not that I know, Allah planned it better for me. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I choose to make it easy for someone else's life, Allah had ease mine more than I ever know. He gave me the opportunity to have someone next to me to hear to my thoughts, He gave me the off day of doing nothing but I know myself that I won't last very long being alone, I would've choose great companies over it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the past few days before I meet my friends, I was constantly sad. Very sad where I tend to questioned my worth as a human, whether do I carry any values as a person. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Am I worth for someone's time and attention when I thought I make time and give attention to people. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am still the greedy person who expects something in return. But it reminds me of the time and attention I didn't spare for people who needs it from me. Well of course , when you see something from your perspective, you would feel that you've given it all, when the truth is you've given so little to be expecting abundance. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
was it worth it to be offering love and care more than I should be giving? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
there are times where I think I should pretend to be someone cooler by caring less, it doesn't feels right. What if tomorrow never comes for me, I will regret the time I pretend not to care , when the only thing I had to offer is care and perhaps overflowing of them. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
overtimes I let people of the hook, that they don't have to explain any further because I've becoming better at providing excuses to let them off. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That overtimes I took the blame saying that its merely my expectations, and they're not bound . And some of them are just so good at using my words against me. If they care more than they should, they should've know how much it hurts . </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But I guess it was obvious, they don't care as much as I expect they would. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish I can be mean. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish I can be the who walk away. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish I don't invest so much energy on these petty things. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've reached a point where I questioned why did I think about all these, I should be thinking about things that are not as petty as this. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And trust me, I try. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
and it has been forever.<br />
Just imagine, writing the 'off sappy mood' back in 22nd of April - and the battle is ongoing ever since then. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Even if when I am all occupied with all sorts of tasks, one part of my brain which carry all these sad feelings will continue to evade the other spaces inside the brain, and I was struggling to separate the feelings so it won't affect my performance and quality as a person. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Never mind, I'll be good at patching this broken wounded heart. Life seems to short to be entertaining grudges and ill feelings isn't it. Lets continue forgiving Anis. </div>
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<i>Do not be so hard on yourself. You're entitled to savour the feelings. Better than being heartless and emotionless. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMD3Ow6cV7M2Rnm-wdt6pRdLc_U-rKILmgFVaXvso5ldnQbHEHCjpMkSzua6YoVVkFOEpymXkhIqPxJgWsbt_WepCKaDEmQ3M6PxKsgKuLNcbKBxiejaG5jdao4FQ3qgDOIRJMRhWWNomB/s1600/d0f41b8c-1dea-4fa1-8687-bffe50fcbfbb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="809" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMD3Ow6cV7M2Rnm-wdt6pRdLc_U-rKILmgFVaXvso5ldnQbHEHCjpMkSzua6YoVVkFOEpymXkhIqPxJgWsbt_WepCKaDEmQ3M6PxKsgKuLNcbKBxiejaG5jdao4FQ3qgDOIRJMRhWWNomB/s1600/d0f41b8c-1dea-4fa1-8687-bffe50fcbfbb.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">we'll be okay right? we will </td></tr>
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</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today is the first Ramadhan, and I hope this holy month will make me better as a person, to learn to be grateful with God immense blessing on me. </div>
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The fact that the heart is still able to feel, I am grateful. Its been almost a year , my grandfather left us on the 27th Ramadhan last year. </div>
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Love, the'annAnis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1510210862785366163.post-16674659652138306012019-04-22T22:57:00.002+08:002019-04-23T15:15:15.659+08:00off this sappy mood<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://youtu.be/dwfPhdnnlEw" target="_blank">[best to play this song while you're reading this post , lets be sappy together ]</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Just so y'know parts of me are dying to write something, there were times that my head was actively connecting the cells to gather information , constructing thoughts and translating them to words and sentences whilst driving home. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To later find I'm too occupied with house chores or I am just too tired to function properly. That plenty of posts stuck middle-way hoping this one reaches the end. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">For the past few weeks, one motion that were occupying my mind was </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">' Easing people's affair' . </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">One day, I had a conversation with my best friend who happened to spend 3 years of her life abroad, about what she missed the most being in the USA. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And she said the fact that everyone is trying to ease everyone's affairs in life. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">From the simplest prompt reply to work / casual emails, to holding the door with the next person in life or to even tidy up your own plates/food after eating out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">which make me pause, and ponder. -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It never came to me the act of tidying up / placing your plates to assigned places is an act of easing someone else's life because after a while, it become a habit and it feels weird for me not doing so. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Often when I place my plate or cup at the counter ( because they don't provide a place for that ), people would question me with things like " Puan kenapa rajin sangat ? " or " Eh letak je tak payah angkat " . </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll just reply with a smile or 'takpe' and walk away. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">gahhh I miss the UK so bad. </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">well of course one will be tested with the things she choose to embrace. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It was when I thought I want to live the rest of my life easing people's affairs, I am tested up to a point I kinda questioned my sincerity level. Like are you really sure you're up for this for a lifetime? when I found myself whining over stuff I don't wish to share here. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I believe easing people affair is not just about helping out with something, but to also put someone's heart at rest. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Putting a burden on someone's heart is not easing either. I've lived my life compromising my ego's because I don't think by giving the ego's win will put my own heart at rest. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That often I choose to forgive, providing all sorts of excuses I created to give a leeway to the person who caused it. Overtimes I would tell myself that, I had such pain because I was the one expecting it would be this way when it turns out differently - far from what I wish/expect. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well of course , it hurts. It hurts that I am unable to hate when hate is the only thing I wish I could feel. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">few days back -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was reading old mails from a friend, whom I thought had promised me the world. But someday promises vanished into thin air, this friend disappear from my life. I am left with questioning the values I carried, that I am treated that way. Slowly I thought I should build back the walls - should be patching the wounded heart be it with cries - or whatever it takes to heal the heart. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I came across a sentence that kinda make me, have no place in someone's heart : I am doing this to protect her not you. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">should I beg and say, I am fragile too. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I forgive but is that a reason I should be taken for granted. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because I give the chance, should the chances taken so lightly. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">but thank God, forgiving healed me. I hold to the principle that I shouldn't burden my heart with hate. Because the nature of a heart, it changes. A hate can turn into love or sympathy you name it, vice versa. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The past few weeks got me thinking about leaving the world. That what if someday I leave sooner than what I always imagine. Maybe because the fact that I was signing my first hire-purchase , that I opt for an insurance that will cover the whole payment in case I pass away or in any unfortunate events happen to me. I thought such move will not put others in trouble when I am not around. coupled with the fact that I know, for certain, I am not in my most pink of health. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Like did I do my best. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Did I serve my best as a servant , a daughter, a sister, a worker, or as a mere stranger crossing other strangers path . That I think being a wife would not even be close. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A senior of mine just lost her mother in law, my kakak usrah to be precise. I didn't have the chance to know the mom personally, but I've been taught wonders by her son and her daughter in law. That for that reason alone, I know only an extraordinary person would give birth to amazing people. If it's not so much to ask, would you spare a moment to keep her in your prayers? May Allah bless you with the highest jannah aunty <3</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am such in a sappy mood while hearing to this Empty Space , Live Acoustic version for the twenty thousand times already. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am aspired to be someone who's there to offer a tiniest help , whenever its possible. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To a shortest advice, or a short amount of time trying to just listen , to be able to forgive when people intentionally or not intentionally hurting me, offering help when people asking /not asking , offering comfort with presence to anyone who needs one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because I know how it feels like when you're left with none, crying in silent wishing it reaches out to people. But deep down, you're just trying to console yourself repeating ' Suffice Him alone ' while stroking your chest over and over again. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Often I remind myself that I am living a life that many would envied out there, that what I am feeling at the moment would be incomparable with people who's desperately wishing for a shelter or seeking peace to take another breath of air.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Be grateful Anis, He'll bless you with more. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCrWuUbs8KLWR4V-WMS7HKgP3XXRiwbeDLGEDihvhk4z7FW7J-AK-MUl5zcvHd7esDiBmBEmH656EBNWQt5TwwM0EzO0J6mLnnbQ7GZ7xQyAzsdTOrmqK42K0rt8mTkMPVTNO72Cxzw45N/s1600/IMG_6127.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCrWuUbs8KLWR4V-WMS7HKgP3XXRiwbeDLGEDihvhk4z7FW7J-AK-MUl5zcvHd7esDiBmBEmH656EBNWQt5TwwM0EzO0J6mLnnbQ7GZ7xQyAzsdTOrmqK42K0rt8mTkMPVTNO72Cxzw45N/s1600/IMG_6127.HEIC" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">lets be genuine, and content Anis - April, 2019</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Love, the'ann</span>Anis Nazarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16316880843850514569noreply@blogger.com0