Self babbling ramblings

Be fair and it matters !

March 19, 2016

I'm always attracted to the idea of fairness. I guess this is better said or explained in Malay or not. But let's just see how this things go.

Aku sedia maklum yang fairness means to put something at the right place ( or where it belongs but it seems like it's not getting anywhere inside my head ) .

Dulu, to me the idea of fairness means you equally divide something . Let just say you have a piece of cake that you bought it with your other two friends , equal contribution of money  and you need to share it fairly with your friends.  So being fair here obviously means to divide it equally among you and your friends. Lagi lagi kalau kau bahagi kek tu depan mata diaorang and if you're giving a bigger piece to yourself or the others , and at the same time you guys share the same contribution towards buying the cake , here , fairness is meant to be equal distribution.

But , not till I saw a picture. A simple one , it shows three different boy with different height - short medium tall. All of them are trying to watch a football match behind a wall or bar or whatevs . so if I'm about to say that fairness means equal , each and everyone of them will receive a same height bench and the shortest boy still can't really watch the match , and though it seems fair for the medium and tall boy because they're able to see the match clearly, its not the case for the shortest boy and equal distribution defeats the purpose of being fair. Aku still ingat how dulu debate dengan senior when they said that even a percent of failure contributes to a failure ( lols sangat I know right ) , dia tahap taknak menerima yang 98% percent tu sebab still nak tunjuk minority of 2% matters. Which kadang betullah sebab kita selalu go for majority and tends to forget the minority just because they're minority , we can clearly neglects their point? We often neglect pun secara fitrahnya. So nak katanya though dalam equal distribution tu tadi , even majority feel it's fair , dengan adanya ketidak adilan pada a minority , we will conclude yang equal distribution is not a true explanation for fairness.

Tapi kalau kita berada dalam kedudukan the medium and the tall boy , we will see equal distribution as fairly fair because we're at the advantage .

And I saw myself struggling to be a fair person myself. Because sometimes I tend to mess up my room and I kept saying to myself that if you want to be a fair person , or even a fair judge and lawyer in the future , starts with being fair to your room. Which says your room can be super tidy if you put your stuff at the right place. Like how you mess your wardrobe to choose a shawl for a day , trying to match the colours , leave everything on the bed without putting it back inside the closet  and you're late to class , you  automatically be the most unfair person in your own world on reason that you're not able to put your shawl to where it belongs. Kah kah kah analogy sempit.

So I said to myself , the key to a tidy room is

Be fair. Put the right thing at the right place.
  • still struggling
  • Boo Najwa boo

And the concept of fairness sebenarnya shall revolve around us , from the smallest thing like keeping your room tidy ( guess who tertampar tampar semasa menulis ni hahahahhahahahaha ) to the biggest issue of politics. And sebenarnya it can reach a point where sebenarnya sangatlah susah to be fair ni. Though it sounds simple, which to put something to where it supposed to belong.

Sebab tulah kot most of quotations will say things like “ Jadilah pemimpin / seseorang yang adil” , and the opposite of being fair is cruel or zalim , does zalim equivalent to cruel or not ( oh my melayu hahah padahal aku cakap melayu k most of the time ) . Aku taktahulah kalau aku sorang je rasa perkataan zalim tu macam lagi tinggi degree dia dari jahat , tapi dia tahap yang dia jahat sebab mengkhianati , mungkin diri sendiri , atau mungkin orang lain. Hahahaha I guess it depends on how you define zalim tu. Tapi generally zalim sounds cruel enuf said.

But of all , we shall train ourselves to be a fair person , a person who always put things at the right place tak tertakluk pada barang barang , tapi juga pada pancaindera , sisi manusiawi keseluruhannya . Application sounds vague? Let us see some ways yang fairness can be applied.

Like sometimes people may seeks advises from us and being fair doesn't allows you to give a jump into conclusion answer tanpa mencuba meletakkan diri kita ke tempat specific person. Sebab boleh jadi you two have different burden tolerance. And boleh jadi her / his problem nampak picisan dekat mata kita , tapi its so big to someone that it may affect his or her life as a whole. That's when you be fair. When you fit something according to the specific thing. Kadang tanpa kita sedar , kalau kita skip part of being fair -.- , we can automatically menzalimi seseorang. Sebab nak tak nak hukum meletakkan yang if someone is seeking an advise from you , wajib for you to give advise.

Giving advises to some people adalah benda yang susah untuk dia buat , on reasons that he or she might felt yang their words tak dapat nak bantu apa apa pun, or some people might even feel yang putting things into words are seriously hard but I believe in making effort to give an advise or idea that counts. Penyampaian advises doesn't necessarily be into wise words , wise organized words with fancy lines .

If you can't create wordings , you seek for wordings , online ke Quran ke orang perhaps you heard someone said something yang berbekas ke di hati , kadang yang menyentuh tu bukan kata kata pun tapi usaha , and I learnt it last time in a hadith , about nasihat , advise. Malay language tends to direct nasihat to wordings , berbentuk perkataan yang diucapkan, padahal in that hadith nasihat / advise is deemed as apa apa yang baik . Tapi sebabkan usage of our language menuju ke arah perkataan  , it kinda make the scope narrower.

But worth highlighting , make effort people , effort ni lebih kurang je penampakan dia macam ikhlas , kadang muka kita ni takleh nak bohong pun kalau kita tak ikhlas , tak kisahlah orang kata ikhlas ni macam semut hitam di malam kelam , it's THERE still ! The semut is still there and you takleh deny its still there duhhh , and your face and your deeds can somehow be assessed by mata hati aicewah. If you don't make effort , people will know that you're not even trying to. Doesn't it hurt when someone don't even try to make effort for you when you're desperately in need? It hurts right. So just don't do it to the others wehhh even you're badly bruised by people who don't make effort for you. Biar orang buat kita jangan kita buat orang. Sebab at the end of the day , urusan kita ni bukan sekadar sesama manusia , kita ada urusan dengan Allah , and kalau Allah tak bayar kesabaran kita di dunia ( through manusia )  , may He reward you with something big sebab kau sabar and you don't do shits to people. After all buat jahat doesn't seems to suits to your liking , nanti mulalah tak sedap badan bila bohong dengan Mak ( contohnya ) hahaha.

Allocating time for studies when you're a student is also the act of being fair to your time , samalah macam tanggungjawab like being a daughter or sister , failing to act accordingly , at the lowest point those failures menzalimi diri sendiri , like being a daughter pastu kurang ajar dengan Mak bapak , when an anak is prohibited to even say AH to their parents , you're not acting your role as a daughter at the right place.

Okay this may sounds not making sense at all bila dah tulis pepanjang but slowly digest ( biskut digestive sounds real nice now wehaaa ) .

Aku sangat takut bila one day , if Allah allows , and I'm practicing as lawyer , and if aku nanti tak berusaha pun nak menjadi manusia yang adil tu mungkin sebab dibayangi harta atau pangkat. I hope one day I will look back at my own writing , yang satu masa dahulu aku pernah menyeru pada manusia untuk berlaku adil. It's just sad to see yourself eating back your own words , bagai menjilat ludah sendiri. Being adil is hard , but to keep trying to be a fair person is an effort yang indeed semuaaaaaa orang kena buat pun regardless anything.

Here's to err I thought a wordless Saturday but I end up writing passages through this Google document , I'm just plain lazy to open the laptop and chrome crashing for thousand times and with all the advertisement. Ugh hello excuse me advertisers , adil sikit la macha letak iklan tu kadang biar adil pada semua lapisan masyarakat, ni hang pi letak iklan “ want massage , are you alone tonight” pastu hang pi letak badan perempuan haish. T.T semak haƱg tauuu semak. Ceqq kalau marah ceqq cakap Kedah hahahahaahha. Kbye.


What a hectic meaningful February I had !

March 02, 2016

Current life update , 

I got all my class tests feedback and alhamdulillah on a good track of 2:1 , just had to push myself even more , I hope its possible to see myself getting a first class , we can be tamak grades isn't it? haha. Be the superwoman najwa ! busy cemana pun it shouldn't be an excuse girl thank you. 

Dulu masa first year , going back and forth to classes with no extra curricular activities , aku rasa sangatlah worthless tahap yang I can dig a hole and stays there well at least I'm digging a hole. I guess ever since Intec , I've been reserving myself , like kalau ada switch button , I literally switched myself off from the 'being expressive' ' the proactive' to a very reserved person . Coupled with alasan rumah jauh dari university masa first year ( this is seriously a vague one ) I become lazy. Hahahaha literally lazy like I hate myself. I faced this crucial moment even sampai sekarang , kadang tu sedih dengan diri sendiri sebab malas but sometimes bila rajin tu menjengah , I see myself sitting at the table for like 6 hours non stop ( masuk bakul ) ( I bought a big bakul so takde masalah haha ) - ( indicator dia is when I saw myself sitting at the table , I'm actually working on something which is good well I am now ( good najwa ) ( tangan kanan pat bahu kiri )

So Allah bagi a cash kind of hectic weeks nah rasakan ! I've been wishing for sejak dari first year , I hardly see myself spending weekend at home , infact its weekendS with capital S. February marks the busy weekend , not even a single weekend spent at home. Nak mengeluh apa when this is what I've been wishing for lels. 

Sometimes I saw myself bercakap dengan diri sendiri - gelak dengan diri sendiri how weekend flies , 

THE FIRST WEEK - BRISTOL , what a day !  
I went to Bristol for Ini Sejarah Kita - a day trip  ( I had fun sampaikan part how Islam starts in Mekah - instead of jugak scheming through the books and bahan bacaan , I tried to blend in how the element of friendship and love jadi asas pembentukan , bertapaknya Islam dekat muka bumi , the strong sahabah that supports the messenger , just like how Abu Bakar was always there beside Nabi Muhammad  , after all Nabi Muhammad is a man , a man yang fragile dengan benda manusiawi , he got scared when the first revelation of Quran took place in Gua Hira', how Khadijah soothes him when her husband got back home dalam keadaan yang ketakutan ,unlike other woman (if its me I must be like bang kenapa ni bang kenapa but not the calm Khadijah though *inspired !* - like when he lost his dearest wife Khadijah but still standing strong to continue to spread the revelation of God to the humankind , weh seriously if you see this in the context of a normal human being - baru kehilangan orang yang disayangi dalam tahun yang sama ( his uncle as well - if you remember Tahun Dukacita in History textbook , but still standing to continue his mission , which kita kadang hilang anak kucing sekoq , which anak kucing tu bukan kepunyaan kita pun , dia literally kepunyaan mak kucing tapi kadang we mourn over weeks tak move on , here we're talking about human k ) 

Point to note , I met Najwa , junior Selandar in Bristol :) Perluasan kuasa Najwa Selandar di Yukay haha and Farah made mee kari weh sedap gila :')

I remembered when we arrived in Cardiff , we got into this taxi who do fraud , ciskek punya pakcik taxi , ripping off our 4 pound and he don't even send us , me and Ajlaa back to our house. Time tu rasa macam clueless sangat like what happened . We should have take his plat number though for complaints lels I should have be possessing more lawyer kind of characteristic huh haha
THE SECOND WEEK - TO NOTTINGHAM WE GO ! recharging iman week <3
Daurah Tahmidi National , held at Nottingham. Well not to mention its my first time in Nottingham. So the first thing about Nottingham is when I contemplate between going and not going because the price for the ticket is significantly high. You see in one sense baguslah kot eh UK system , the earlier you buy , the lower the price  for transportation ticket mainly , so they encourage people to plan their journey but in other sense its killing you inside if you're buying like a week before camtu tapi the prices literally makes your account cry, dia tahap literally nangis hahaha bank account can nangis k haha. 

But guess what , there are things in life where kita kena paksa diri sendiri , force ourselves to do something , contoh kalau nak jadi baik , you won't be a better person if you don't seek for something that makes you a better person , like Quran takkan berlari lari dekat kau kalau you choose to put it dalam almari and makes no effort to read it. Dan aku selalu jelah rasa daurah is where you're given an opportunity to recharge your iman full tank , though it fluctuates but figuratively. Kau dapat combos kot of benefits , aside from constant reminders , you met people who want good things for themselves too , the people spent their money too , travelled far , changed trains , even lari lari kejar bus pukul 1 pagi hur hur I saw myself berkejaran cari bas pukul 1 pagi ahhahah what an experience , a rare kind of experience haha. And come to think like siapa je eh yang sanggup nak susah susah for something yang worthless ? Nak kata yang susah susah jalan jauh ni is for something yang kau tak boleh value pun dengan duit. Something yang worth your efforts !

They talked about Syahadah , yes the first element of Rukun Islam for two days camp , tak masuk the other four pillars , once syahadah , the vow that says No one aside from Allah and Muhammad is His messenger. Benda ni sounds simple even dalam buku KAFA sekolah pun dia cuma makan satu page at the very start of the chapters . But that very short verse carries tons of responsibility , tons of vows you indirectly complied to.  By vowing yang Takde Tuhan selain Allah means you solely hold yang Allah ni yang bagi rezeki , Allah yang tentukan everything , Allah yang berhak disembah ( and from what I wrote in my notes , there's like 21 discussion over that one short verse which takes around 4 hours per session ) .

I should have a write a specific post on this earlier I guess. but I was so busy you see ( alasan sekali lagi ) ( forever with excusessss ) ( jentik dahi haha ) 

Aku selalu rasa daurah is a very comforting zone yang kau nak bawak this zone everywhere you go , but thats now how dakwah trains you , da'wah trains you to be a person yang go beyond comforting zone , sebab khalifah is not born to just sit in a comfort zone and thats it. Sebab kau khalifah , khalifah spreads good cause ! to people ! 

THE THIRD WEEK - To the Southern End of UK , with love :)
Jaulah Ayyash , in case you've been reading through this lame site of mine , you perhaps know who's behind this Ayyash , its my usrahmates weeee . Hadaf ( the objective ) of the jaulah is to unlock friendship levels and to feel close to the nature ( we went to the southern end of the UK ) and we went there by car. Well I don't drive , I just don't do driving but I was the co-driver , which impliedly says you-must-stay-awake-with-the-driver-no-matter-what-happen. Hahaha I always hope later when I got married or something , dear husband let me sleep haha. It was a tough kind of mujahadah ( berperang dengan syaitan yang seronok main see-saw dekat mata , plus you're exhausted main pasir , walk a mile or less at the Land's End, well this is better than Ireland bridge rope tu , ke sama hahaa taktahulah . ) , what's even tougher , is when the people the backseat , sensorang start layu just after 5 minutes the car depart HA HA HA HA itew rasa nak geletek sesorang weh korang bangun hahhaa , I ended up bukak movie just to make sure I'm hearing to something so I don't leave the driver alone. It might be much worse if you're the co-driver siap snore semua hahaha physically torturing the driver isn't it.

Well anyway do you guys know your existence in my life is one of the best thing that ever happened to me?

the first impressions from the usrahmates. Most of it is tegas - garang haha weh muka je k garang , I'm soft , like kitties hahahahhahahahha kitties pun boleh 

at Kak Ros's house .

our maroon kind of day , I picked maroon I love it hahhaha because the face is kinda glow with maroon hahhaha siappppp.

looking flawless hahaha thanks to Haifa's phone hahah ameen for being flawless in the future haha

I survived , with minutes of sleeping dengan izin Yang Dipertua Driver ( I was so into Debat Bahasa Melayu during the intellectual debate hahaha ) , hahahahha when you're the oldest in the car leuls I lahir May excuse me.

Oh yeah I forgot that we met Kak Ros the day earlier at Plymouth , I don't exactly know her but she is apparently the treasurer for Ikram UK Eire if I am not wrong. She made a good point ( aside from she's a good cook , you get that feeling ada mak for like 2-3 hours ) when she asked us ,

Awak rasa kenapa awak bawak usrah ? 

( well I'm still doubting myself as kakak naqibah , but girls ( my adik usrah in case you're reading , you know , when the moment I started usrah with you guys , a kakak naqibah is born , just like how a newborn is born , a mother is born too , so indirectly saying you're learning ( hard way ) along the way like banyak je masa aku rasa nervous takut apa yang nak disampaikan tak tersampai , and banyak je masa I felt awkward with myself , moreover bila aku tak study sangat apa content yang aku nak share with my adik adik . I specifically spent like hours to study what I'm going to say sebab when you say it , kau tak berhenti dekat situ , kau kena jadi orang yang reflect what you say. Contoh my first usrah I guess I talked about concept syukur pastu habis usrah we went to eat together dekat this one kedai , and the food doesn't really suit my tastebud , and time tu macam rasa nak sumpah je weh apa rasa ni but you just talked about konsep syukur k tadi , hahaha telan sumpah sumpah masuk tekak

Enuf with the babbles and insecurities kakak naqibah T.T , so Kak Ros said one thing , 

" You're actually doing it for yourself " , 

sebab no matter how harsh it sounds , you're really doing it for yourself , because you're going to survive alone at the end of the day , you're doing it because you know its good for you  , and you don't do benda yang tak baik untuk diri sendiri , you just don't do harm things to yourself ! ( tu against fitrah kot ) Harm and good here is more in the context yang you just don't do something that contribute pada saham dosa which end up will lead you to the wrong end . Dan teruslah buat benda yang baik untuk diri sendiri , sebab like I said above , bila kita cakap sesuatu contohnya kita kena jadi manusia yang selalu bersyukur  , we indirectly need to apply it to ourselves , the one who walk her talk . 

ahaaa I did unlock friendship level with Ayyash either , ( kot I hope hahah ) 

THE VERY LAST WEEK OF FEBRUARY - You and your insecurities running deep like the ocean huh? 
So we came to the very last week of February * drumroll * * drumstick sounds nice * * its 00.40 now * * I have Land Law tutorial at 9.00 this morning tahniah najwa * 

If you guys followed my instagram you perhaps read ( kalau bacalah but I don't really mind if tak baca ) ( because I read insta captions hahaha ) the whole insecurities journal I had , sebelum pergi Manchester , during the event itself and the post - MID  , Manchester Intellectual Debate 2016.  Haha before anything , aku tak pernahlah tahu mana datang keyakinan to say yes to the invitation like WHY , but eventually aku rasa itulah kot a magic Allah did to set the heart straight , for not backing off from the event and saw myself travelling to Manchester padahal everything that you had inside your mind contradicts dengan your body , your body is moving with the train but time tu kau asyik fikir yang is it possible untuk tarik diri or anything similar . 

But I just don't like the fact that people goes against their promises. If it's a promise dengan diri sendiri , still tolerable sebab tak susahkan orang lain , when it involves promises with humans , it feels not right la kan to messed someone's head with your invalid excuses , just because you had lists of insecurities inside your head. 

I thought the thoughts yang menganggu kepala ni will vanish away when I was walking to the event that morning. HAHA YOU WISH NAJWA , I know almost no one there , and was awkwardly sitting with the phone , I do nothing with the phone , just to escape from the reality and avoid talking to people har har. Not till I met the other adjudicators , ( keyakinan diri tercabar level 900/900.1 ) secara tetiba kau rasa you're shrinking hypertonically hahha knowing the other adjudicators are like sets of daebak experienced people ( I might insert tons of emoticon nangis dekat sini ) , masa tu memang rasa macam sangatlah sedih dengan diri sendiri for massive of reasons , I don't usually face moment hilang keyakinan diri ni but this time you can't escape. If blog is accessible at that hour I can write pages , pages and pages of thoughts I had in mind. I was literally crying on the inside because I was feeling that way. I kept telling myself its a great lesson , you need to challenge yourself , you need to retrace the old you , people might perceive " wuuuu gempaknya jadi judge " you guys never know bertapa sesaknya dada hari tu. I had a tough day on the inside , and by the time semi finals end , I walked back home sebab that night I'm attending Ainaa's show , Manchester MNight so I need to rush anyway. 

I got it from the facebook page hahah sempat. 

thats me in cream , 

with the winners and the lines of adjudicators , and the VVIPS

Najwa is trying to be fancy , amatur gilaaaa photography skills haha

toilet selfies and I love my baju kurung , thank you ibu :* 

Sepanjang jalan tu I talked to myself , literally pat bahu diri sendiri and sooth myself with things like , " You did well najwa " , as pathetic as it sounds , I do really need a self appreciation that day and the scene fits perfectly with the music ( escapism level 1/3 , hearing to musics haha ) , despite the tension I had inside me , I survived a day. Dengan harapan I won't be judging for finals , but guess what , still in the list hahahhahahah you wish najwa you wish.

Despite menghadapi crisis  physcology on the inside , I learnt a lot from many people surround me that two days. Thanks for the opportunity given ( by the organiser ) , I may sounds celaru on the inside but I'm actually enjoying ( hurrrrr ) the event. Haha eh tak serious ni. Thanks to my fellow new friends , you guys seriously taught me a lotttt. Thank you :')

But you see, you will come to a point where you need to forcefully push yourself to the limit , takkan la kan selamanya nak layan insecure plus you're in a legal profession route which involved engagement with people so its training yourself to be on the track , and its a process of learning pun. Just like how you struggle with debate masa awal awal form 1 dulu , just like how you build your soft skills over the five years in high school. Mana ada benda senang dalam dunia najwa. Manaaaaa , even fikir nak makan apa hari ni needs effort . 

Sepanjang nak ke Manchester tu , there's another thing yang I had in mind , in which I'm meeting my bestfriend back in Intec , and I guess distance and time apart us , because we don't really talk to each other and aku selalu takut we will be like awkward strangers trying to reconnect back , tapi it was merely perasaan and not more. Sebab you still talk to each other exactly the same like two years ago. Distance and time might be reasons why human grew apart , lagi lagi if there's no effort to reconnect in the middle , I don't see using ' we're just human and we forgot - we change' is a valid kind of reason. Sebab human is the best creature Allah creates and we supposed to be the best as expected , make efforts and reconnect , its silaturahim we're talking about here , which says no harm pun if you're making effort to strengthen the bond between the two hearts that ties. Anyway I had a great stay Ainaa and rumah bintang :') ( Ainaa's beautiful house and housemates  ) 

sorry for the late flowers I got for you , and I'm glad we're still in a very good term :) and I always hope it stays that way.

Not to forget , I missed my train to Cardiff. I arrived Picaddily at 3.33 , its not that I'm late pun masa ambik bas from the last venue , I got lost and can't really recognize the stop and I was playing with my phone ( mata mengerling dekat diri sendiri hahaha ) . Had to spent 46 pound , which is much more expensive than the return ticket ( nangis lagu Jamal Abdillah ahhahah ) ,  called my mum in a very sad tone voice , sebab aku rasa kecewa dengan diri sendiri , I missed my train , its my first time :( which I thought will never happen to me , since I'm always sensitive with time. Tapi hari tulah banyak jalan nak tutup , banyak kereta and the bus stops quite far from the station , and I've been questioning all the possibilities , if and only if , 

you know it yourself najwa , kalau Allah tak izin , takkan jadi 
just like how your busy occupied February weekends,
kalau Allah tak izin , takdenya kau kuat nak lalu

Allah akan ganti that money with a better thing :)
so be at ease diri sendiri. 

PS, Okay I gave up this one is so long , hahahhaa I should have blog frequently in the future weh. I missed many small details , and perhaps missing appreciation for the people who had been helping me through February , cherished my February , thank you very much people , you know who you are :) 

tangan literally cramp