a MONTH already !

August 29, 2017

I don't realize how fast was the clock ticking. Its been a month ( and more I am back home for good ) and for real too. 

Been here and there for different things, from volunteering to meeting best people in my life to attending programs and not to mention, interviews as well. I can't really keep track how many times exactly I'm in Kuala Lumpur for the past 30 days. 

My brother kinda like ' Where are you going this time? '

Regardless of the travelling around part, I tried my best to attend my family members. From visiting to cooking and doing house chores. I enjoyed laundry the most ( to my surprise ) because of the sun. I learnt that the sun and the heat it radiates is one of the greatest blessings in life, since we hang our clothes indoor in the UK. 

I spent most of my week nights accompanying my brother with his homeworks, though I am just there playing with my phone giggling over ge'ef ridiculous and non stop inside jokes. My merely presence seems enough to him, since my PMR knowledge getting rusty inside my brain. 

Secured myself a job alhamdulillah but honestly I am still thinking whether I can juggle between the job and its nature with the professional course I am taking this upcoming September. Its going to be tough on me I know, but I had no choice, I need to embrace this rapid changes in life. 

And there are of course days I wish I am back in the UK, having a laid back days, with cash flows and they said the grass is always greener on the other side.

a friend of mine gave this on my second last day in the UK - haven't got the chance to light this up since I couldn't find the batteries anywhere. Not that I love London as much as I love Cardiff , but I miss the UK in general.

Good old times huh?

Before I came back last time, I always tell myself to not be among those people who compares life here and there, and to move on with whatever phase I am going through, its for me myself to not whine over things , and to accept the reality. 

I have accepted the fact that its not going to be the same any more, tougher living ahead of mine. But I always hope He never leaves me alone, and whole heartedly I have my trust on Him that with each difficulties there is always ease.

anyone who's reading through , pray for me :) please.

On a side note, I got to accept the fact that I'm back to my old skin color ( I got a bit fairer when I am in the UK ) but the reddish cheeks are still there, well it kinda looks good some days, like a bonus for having reddish cheek without applying anything on my face ( someone did actually said to me last time Hey why your face is so red? Heeeeelp me can't help this reddish face )

oh its just me today, if you could see from head to toe, I was literally a fashion disaster.

took whatever scarf that seems representable - with er black shirt with fancy crowns prints and mustard palazo with a polka dot socks? But all I did was the driving part, stepped outside the car only to pick my phone that slips under the seat haha

My brother did all the buying stuff. Of course I am the cash machine blergh

( so not prepared for another law classes ) 

this side of me

weakest point.

August 29, 2017

My attachment to human can be so high that one of the most constant prayer I would ask Him after every prayers is to lessen my attachment towards human, be it my desires, whatever temptation I had, to whatever stories I badly wish to share to someone. 

to one of the good days I had 
I never knew what other cure I can use to wash away this clingy side of me. 

Because I know I cling a lot on people and I dislike that side of me. I dislike that side of me who clings and get too attached to human. Ultimately it become one of my weakest point when the person turns me down. I become so vulnerable , and fragile. 

Hence I always tell people if someday they don't wish to talk to me anymore, let me know properly so I will have an ample time for myself to detach properly - let me face the harsh truth rather than putting me in a state where I hope ( still clinging ). And of course not many will tell me directly , they left me hanging, while they are enjoy continuing their life. 

no matter how high the walls I built, once I let my guard down, I am just one helpless creature. 

Be bluntly honest with me, please. It hurts of course, but it will feel much better that way. 


Love, the'ann

Self babbling ramblings

Letting go things that never yours to begin with

August 28, 2017

Moments where you badly misses someone who never miss you in their life, every single time they appeared before your eyes, you badly want to say hi but you know its never a wise step to do. 

I took so much of my time and energy for this worthless emotion I never want. I badly want to channel to blame to the other side saying that you should never say hi at the first place

I hate myself for being stuck in this kind of phase again. 

I'm letting you go. Building back the walls on my own. Thicker that before. Colder than ever. 

You were never mine to begin with. But why letting go seems so hard for me. 

Because I never liked the Anis who got affected by this petty emotions. There is something even bigger outside there that need to be taken care of. Why I am here again. In this worthless miseries than I can never share with the person who caused this. 

Love, the'ann

Giving back

Career aspirations - Empowering through educating.

August 23, 2017

So this is what I've been wanting to write about for the past few weeks, 
Career aspiration 
I guess I had a really busy August, I am only home for weekend last week ( I had another trip to Kelantan tomorrow and next I'm grounded till CLP classes starts haha )  but spent my Saturday morning attending career orientation which I initially thought that it was an interview invitation but it turns out to be an orientation .

Its overview about the position we're applying for, I am a bit sceptic I would say but that three hours session did really in some sense pisses me off ( it was about insurance selling and also they mocked you about how you can make a lot of money ) . 

No offence because I guess I am the minority one who perhaps for now, not really driven by the wealth part. Maybe I was hoping for a wealthy well off husband ahaks. 

And went through couples of interview, and there's two upcoming interview, one for the second stage, one for something I think, I aimed for. 

As I went to different career exposures, I did have that pause moment where I asked myself , 

Is this what you want to do in your life? 

Honestly speaking I did a lot of jobstreet application, and applied for whatever position that sounds fit ( both qualifications and skills maybe plus no car needed since I don't own one ) , because we are in the phase of we can't be choosy over our start up careers because the economy aren't doing so well 

( or this is a presumption? I mean economy as a whole can be doing well but from the perspective of the middle-income family earners, the current *what is the right word deyyyy* situation is not good ) 

But really, can't we be choosy at all? 

I may not focus on the salary part, but its more on the happiness and personal development part. 

You'll spend like almost half of your day at your workplace and to the very least lasted for weeks or months or even years, will you be okay to spend your time doing something you don't enjoy? 

I got those feelings when attending a Sales and Marketing interview which I initially applied for the 'Event Fundraiser' for NGO's but apparently the job-scope is bigger than that, which to do brand marketing.

As I was answering the questions, my brain cells actively attacking my head with a simple question ' Do you really want to do this?' and keeping a fake smile showing you're partially enthusiastic with the position is just hard. 

But I am good with smiling so yeah haha 

And of course even till now, I may not be very clear about my career pathway, I did mentioned in all interviews I attended that I wanted to be in the legal field in the future, but still feeling so vague whether I can handle the CLP while juggling studies and working, but I need to earn the money or else life in Kuala Lumpur might be hard on me and my parent's pocket obviously. 

But regardless of the shady blurry vision of the future ( which I hope its okay at this phase ) , 

I realized that I had a very clear vision on what I love to do. 

Through preparations for interviews ( talking to myself basically ) , I realized most of my answers even what I'm pitching at in jobs application, I would definitely said 

'I love empowering people. I really do'

and its more like empowering through education and educating. 

I like engaging with people, but more on inviting people to feel educated ( miahaha ) hence I guess one of the reason why I write. 

I figured that all these while the reason I do debating is not just to lash people's idea as the third speaker, but to make the audience understand what is this whole thing we're debating. 

The reason why I presented for the International Symposium back in 2011, is not about winning at all but to educate people that there is varieties of cultures in Malaysia to be embraced. So I didn't really prepare much, but I did my very best to make what I am telling to the audience really come from my heart. 

Even as moderator for the Women Seminar back in Birmingham, the reason I said yes for the position is more than just obediently follow my mom's request to accept it. Its a position that enables me to educate people. 

And it brings me back to the days before we had our Rohingya awareness talk February this year, a week before that I seek for different articles online, there are six or seven of them I guess, ranging from history to economy and reasons why the conflict in Rohingya is happening, seeing the issue more than just a religion break issues.  

I print them in two sets and had a serious ten minutes reading among the committees in charged for the charity sale on the day. 

We then shared what we got from the article. 

Why two sets of each article? Because two people might get different thing from the same article, so its basically a good thing to be able to celebrate two kinds of stories from an article. 

The aim of that is I wanted the people involved do really know what they are doing, and I wanted to give a meaning to what they are doing, not a mere fund raising for the unfortunates.

I wanted them to feel that their very small help by cooking and selling cakes/desserts contributes a lot to the people, and at the same time they are empowered educationally on the current issues. through this very small event.

We are doing this in the UK where locals do attend our talk, so I wanted them to feel that what we're doing is not just a day off program of awareness, we're actually making people from different sides of the world to be aware off that there's different humanitarian issues going on in many parts of the world. 

It empowered me as well, all these while I had the jist of the stories of Rohingyans through the news but never really seek in detail why this conflict started and whatnot. 

And its very much related to Al Hujurat , chapter 49 of the Holy Quran. Verse 6 , 

O you who have believed, if there comes to you a disobedient one with information, investigate, lest you harm a people out of ignorance and become, over what you have done, regretful.

Media can be biased and its important for us to seek for the truth from different sources. 

Small Changes, Big Differences

And this morning I watched a 16 minutes video of the Small Changes committees being interviewed on the causes Small Changes are doing , and I guess this is just something I love to do. 

I consciously said yes to the revisit camp in Kelantan when I badly want to spend my time longer in the UK to enjoy UK for the very last time, but I arranged my flight back , apart from its weekend, its to attend the revisit camp. 

Because I did want to apply to be the committees this year, but its being unfair for myself in terms of time wise. 

I had a commitment on the ground with IKRAM UKE as secretary in my region plus as vice director and project manager for different events , at the same time I need to prioritize my study as I'm a final year student , so taking more than what I can have on my plate wouldn't be fair to both myself, and also the organizations I'm giving my commitment to. 

So I guess to the very least, I can contribute as facilitators, and that's what I love to do the most, to engage with the people - managing is fun but again I need to be fair, to be someone who put the right thing at the right place.  

Of course volunteering starts to be a part of my life to fancy my resume, brutally honest , or not brutal enough. 

But I attended this TN50 talk last February and there's this one specific person talked about a one-off volunteering, I was kinda slapped in my face, but for whatever reason you start , lets see it from a brighter side. There's always a first time for something, or perhaps its a journey for you to really figure out yourself and to unleash your passion or potentials you never know you possessed. 

Kalsom last year :)

Its a learning process anyway. 

as these writing coming towards the end, 

I love empowering people with the thing I am really passionate about. And I do believe when I'm doing it out of love and it comes from every inch of my heart ( instead of just bottom of my heart >.< ) people can feel it too. 

 Love, the'ann

Selandar loves

One of the best weekend in my life - 13 till 23 #geef

August 20, 2017

I guess I've been drafting this inside my head before I fall asleep through the whole journey from Kuala Lumpur to Melaka 

I fancy the introduction, 

Thirteen till twenty may we last till eternity 

So much love I had for these people in my life that I can be happy, I can be emotional, I can be sad, I can be totally honest about my feelings , I can be bare about anything ! and I can tell whatever things I had in mind and inside my heart.

I have trust issues with people and figuratively built very high walls for people to penetrate in, but to these people I let down my guards and pour my heart out. Maybe not that emotional extent since I don't have much heart-related-motion issues going on for now ( duhhh ) 

Of course its not always that fancy kind relationship all time, in fact we haven't really figured how we be in this circle. But I guess fates intertwined us in a very best way , perhaps even better than what I ever wished for. 

I had a semester fight with Aqila ( of course I'm the one who makes all the first moves, but when it comes to loving someone, initiating - giving - tolerating is never a defeat nor loss though I doubt this stand back in 2014 when we had that long silence ha ha ). Had a love hate relationship with Aireen, never that close but we're in the same class for five years so we kinda like connected but sort like not ha ha. 

And even after 10 years, repeating the same stories over and over again seems totally fine. In fact we do improvise a lot this year, I love how we share about our current update in life, our fears that we always keep to ourselves, future career plan , psst current love life/crush that do crush at the very end either we're putting a halt to the relation - or friend zoned ha ha ha. 

Little meaningful gestures. 

I guess one thing, one small thing that touched me is this one moment ( I shared with the ge'ef already ) is when on Saturday evening we had a chat , like we talked a lot ( we kept two years worth kind of stories to be shared ) , and one of us shared that she had an anxiety when it comes to talking to people. So when we're having our maghrib prayer, we kinda like pushed each other to be the imam ( like always ) and apparently the anxiety-queen was the last person to get ready so we automatically had that idea that 'Hahhh jadi imam' , and we thought its a very good idea for her to overcome her anxiety. 

Of course she refused. And keep repeating herself 'please no' 'nanti aku lupa' but the other girls encouraged her, by saying its okay, you can keep your voice low, we'll help , its okay to forget the surah , and she lead the prayers.

and I don't know but it was really a touching moment for me because we did really take an action to help with her anxiety. 

Like some people may do extreme steps like pushing the person to speak to strangers challenging it to whole new level, but we did it in a very intimate and subtle way ( solat jemaah with the people you love ) 

because we all knew that she need to overcome her anxiety and we're helping her to overcome it, together. 

I'm just so touched with the scene. 

And we had this round table of answering friendship question. I figured out the dreams the girls had in mind, with the confusion of dream is mimpi or dream is impian ( eh gedddd ) , someday we may forgot and ask again, but for now, its really a refreshing meet. We laugh a lot, do stupid puns and do stupid puns again and again , with all the inside jokes only we understand and laugh like there's no tomorrow. 

I'll savour this good feelings, I love how we spent the weekend together, we can totally be in silent while sitting together but I doubt the silence stay long because there's always someone out of the blue breaking the silence. 

These beautiful girls grew up beautifully , they are the same kind person I used to know when we were back in high school in fact kinder, they are the same easily-amused people I used to remember, they are the same person I treasured in my whole life, which are way wiser and maturer. 

( sedih jap ) 

Dear GE'EF

Thank you. For so many things I can never list them down. For patiently tolerating my dark side which I believe there's so many of them. For sincerely laughing for all the out-of-the-blue-random-jokes. 

and I guess thank you for your mere existence, and choosing to stay when you can always leave. 

Thank you Aireen Zuriani binti Ahmad
Thank you Norsahidah binti Abdullah 
Thank you Nurain Syuhadah binti Abdul Rahman 
Thank you Noorliana binti Masri 
Thank you Hannis Sofea binti Johan 
Thank you madu eh ha ha Nurul Aqila binti Mashkuri

To be very fair the name is listed down based on sequence from Kak Long to ex kakak ipar eh eh eh haha 

 Love, the'ann

Here's to a water bottle commercial ha-ha biar LENA dibuai mimpi, jangan jeerling jeerling ( this pun is intended for someone who definitely read this ha ha ha ) 

Little notes

Running 🏃

August 16, 2017

I must say that the internet kinda like getting better - way better than before . At least now I am not waiting for eleven years six days to pass that I'm finally able to see this page popping up. 

Had to put this here. Because I just love it ha-ha narcissist 
These few days I have started running both in physical and virtual life. 

I would spent almost half an hour a day to basically walk and run on the treadmill and initially it was because I miss Cardiff a lot. Its not that I run in Cardiff that frequent , plus I am just not that fast in pace, I did run and walk for couple of times at the Maindy centre. But I walked a lot in Cardiff, I enjoyed my time walking to the city and the walk seems so frequent towards the end , like the day after a day I found myself walking (again) to the city for various reasons. 

Hence each time I started running, blankly starring the window since its faced that way, I put on my headphone which I rarely used back in the UK , you can tell it from where I put the headphone , kept nicely in the bottom drawer ha ha. 

I will start imagining Cardiff, with all the songs I used to play en route to wherever I am walking. 

And I guess my mom was happy seeing me on the treadmill , on the first walk she kinda asked/told my brother about it and my brother sent me lists of this dieting stuff, but honestly, I dislike it.

I started walking because I feel like doing so, and strangely I dislike the supports and encouragement. Its good but I kinda attached those feelings with what I felt back in highschool. 100M and 400M seems torturing enough with all the people by your side either cheering or booing or whatever they did waiting ages for me to complete the run. 

So I kinda appreciate supports and encouragement in prayers. Like just stay in silence, I prefer it to be that way. 

And running in the real life seems to be way easier than running from the virtual life. 

I had a fling with someone, I don't want to even call it a love because it was clearly not that. But I guess as usual , I am stuck in that moving on phase, like I keep checking on someone who clearly disrespected me in many sense, but I guess I was lingered by the feeling of *finally* being wanted by somebody. 

And what makes it harder is that I cling a lot on people , and he came at the time when I was standing firmly and independently from having to share my thoughts , my days with human. 

That's where I started to consciously loosing control over myself. 

I *temporarily* found a place where I look forward for replies over simple messages like Good Morning, How Are You and etc. And now the phase kinda not stay long just as what I expected and indirectly hoped for , and now come the toughest part, which to build back the wall and detach completely. 

I am among those over-thinkers and I am comfortable enough to take all the blame for not able to get my head  straight. One day I thought , that's it lets put a stop to this , then to find a simple morning wish popping up on the screen, and ( not again please ) 

And as I was eating the fried chicken from the night market yesterday, I guess it should be one of the greatest reason for me to completely withdraw myself from this miseries, like how even? 

Because if I were to end up with this person, I might find myself leaving Malaysia again, and I will miss the night market vibes plus there's high tendency that I'll be eating salads and all those healthy things for the rest of my life. 

Sounds good to some ey? Not me. 

Ha ha ha I guess there is a need for myself personally to write this thing down here, this might be the vague idea of how these non important things are filling every parts of my brains, which I dislike it. 

I haven't really talk about this feelings-heart-related stuff for quite sometime. And I actually love it to be that way, stays that way. 

I dislike putting my values on someone so uncertain, I definitely know that I'll be successful on my own, I can be happy on my own , and everything is just possible to be achieved, aside from biological context of having offspring, that's just another part of the story. 

I am taking control over myself, and found myself to be in this journey because I choose to please Him more than pleasing him. And for all the courages and steps I took away from this person, I always hope that it will be repaid with somebody that worth the while. 

And lets just say its not here in this world, may He instil patience in me, happiness in me along the journey. I have so many things ahead me to be accomplished , and I need to trust Him for the instincts He gave me. 

I am teaching myself over and over again that the courages and steps I took were clearly a sign of love. He loved me and He cared so much, that He refrains me from doing things I wasn't supposed to do. 

And for that, be grateful and be happy Anis Najwa. 

This time of the year going to get rough, but keep running. 

Love, the'ann

Law life

Life for the past few weeks and lesson learnt

August 12, 2017

Its been really a while since I write something inside here, I've been trying to load the page for ages when I'm in Melaka , the result is frustrating enough that I decided to do other things aside from writing inside the blog. Been writing here and there, main tumblr account, secret tumblr account ( lol ) , even notes inside the phone and the tab. 

Basically its everywhere and I couldn't keep track of the writings. Emotions are wrecking up these days but I'm settling down well here in Malaysia 

Its been like two weeks I guess ( excuse my poor calculation ) and this week is the first weekend I spent home , I mean with my family around, the first weekend I was away in Kelantan, and the next weekend at Universiti Putra Malaysia for Journey of a Muslim (JOM #JOM2017 ) and another three days at Batu 14 Hulu Langat for weekdays ( literally ) retreat. 

Honestly speaking, I personally felt that I am straying away from the religion path, I'm kinda in a phase of being tested for things that really test my concious mind, and I guess there's a need for me to surround myself with people whom I know, will help me to get back in the righteous track.

I know I can't rely to such support forever to stay firm with what I choose to believe in, but I see the weekdays retreat as an opportunity for me to kinda save myself ( ha ha ha ) 

And there's two things I would love to share , from the three days of retreat is first what I got from the Baitul Muslim session and next the reality check of society and how missionaries are going so far ( dakwah ) 

So in case you're not familiar with this Baitul Muslim or most of us acronymed it as BM, its basically a marriage - unification between a man and a woman. And I love this one point that kept being repeated through the whole session, 

Before you find your other half, or in your journey of seeking for the one, build a very strong connection between you and The One, with that big T an O I am speaking about Allah.

Go and recheck your relationship with the Al Mighty and fix what need to be fixed. When you excellently take care of this part, with Allah will, everything that comes next will fall into the right place at the right time. 

And this reminds me of a simple comment ( which I forgot to reply ) on my last blog post in the UK , which I posted the link on facebook, my kakak usrah left a simple comment yet it kinda struck inside me and its like a melody that keeps playing inside my head

' Take a good care of Allah and Allah will take a good care of you' 

not the exact wording but that's the jist of it 

So everytime I was lazying around, like all these while in the UK because of the praying time changed every single time and day, with no azan and whatnot, most of the time, I'll try my very best to pray earliest possible. And the situation is somewhat different in Malaysia , and the phrase kinda pushes me, and I'll always say to myself, if you want your affairs to be taken into Allah consideration, love and to be prioritized among other people's concern in this world, then prioritize Him and take a good care of what He deserve. He deserve the best. 

And next is about the reality of dakwah / missionaries on the ground in Malaysia. 

I guess what scares me the most is when the third panelist speaks about all the things I considered 'biasa dengar' or often we write down in different Malay and English SPM essays, about all these social problems occurring inside the society .

After three years in the UK, and each time when I kinda feel like I'm being tested with my faith, I guess for now, with Allah's mercy its not even comparable between the reality happening on the ground. Child outside the wedlock, open sex and whatever strings attached to the motion, it kinda hits me hard. 

There's a need for me to count the blessings, that Allah gives me a good circle of friends and surrounding but at the same time, the urge to dive inside the society and to cure what can be cured. To bring back the values of Islam in the people, because all these social problems occured in our society, the malays, which majority and almost all of them born as muslim. 

And if its not among us who're blessed with the understanding about the deen to save the situation , who else? 

I guess that's it for now, at least something to ponder upon and its really good to be here again even for a very short period of time, I'm using my brother's laptop and I'm in Banting now ( the internet connection is way better than what I have in Melaka ). 

And bit of life update, currently I'm actively seeking for jobs basically to support my future, as I'm planning to do CLP and commuting from Melaka to KL everyday doesn't seems to be cost efficient - hence can I humbly request your prayers to ease this journey for me. Currently I am hoping to pass an intelligence test from a company which I am clearly just so bad at it that I doubt those IQ, EQ's I had inside my brain ( cries a river ) 

I still have so much things to write down, about my revisit camp. Hoping that I'll find time , and with no pressure, with good internet connection, but clearly I don't know when ( for now ) ( hiuh ) 

And that's it for now, till then, take care. 

Love, the'ann