Violent. Part Two.

   Part One

    It finally ended . Though I wish it ended differently. One day , my father went back from the pub and the whole household knew how the routine was. Thanks to Ben, I was eight by now.  I couldn't live without those drugs . They seemed to make everything easier to cope with. It was normal for me even though it was painful. Ben hid me under the bed when my father was searching for me. High and low , he knew where I was but Ben wouldn't let him in.

    I stayed there, under the bed , curled up like a ball. It wasn't loud like usual . It was quiet. I could see three pair to of legs which belong to those who thought that I'm sort of toy.

    Tonight, instead of arguing, it was laughter. Something was wrong. I heard punches, screams and laughter. I closed both my eyes and ears. " God, take my life away now " I kept repeating the same thing again and again. I heard Ben. His voice. I believe that everything would be normal again. I will end up to see Ben . He would give me his hands , bringing me out from there, dress me and fed me up. Like usual.

     That morning, the light woke me up. There was blood all over my body through my hair and clothes. I looked up , the blue mattress turns red. I crawled out not knowing what to expect.

   " Ben..."

     The only person in my life , who care so much about me more than my parents did , was lying there. I wasn't even going to believe that it was him. Until I saw his feet which were the only part of him that looked normal. He nearly didn't have a face. With all the blood all over me, I hug him. Tightly. I was breathless. I was devastated.

     I was there at the cemetery. Seeing Ben for the last time. He just don't deserve that. I sit beside his grave every single moment. Talking to him like usual days. Until my mom come back a week Ben's dead. I'm missing around 3 months of my life. Hardly believe that there're no more Ben. No more hugs. No more love. " Ben. I miss you "

      Years by years, I went from house to house. From counselor to counselor . I've tried to commit suicide twice. At 11, I'm getting better and ready for school. Until now, I still had the nightmares . My grey past years.

      It's hard to describe the things I've been going through before. I miss Ben. If it wasn't for me he would be alive , but there's so many ways to look upon it . If he hadn't die, I may have still be there. With the violence . He released me.

Thanks to him , I am here now. I'm not ashamed of who I am , just where I come from.

 

Violent. Part One.

      My name is Ale. I am 19 turning to 20 in few months. Some way I'm grateful for everyday that I get to live. In other ways , I wish that it was different. Ever since I can remember , I have lived in a violent home. Violent in so many ways , from drugs to alcohol , to sex and murder. I try not to remember those days because I'm scared of what I might see. I wish that the phase of my infant life would dissapear from my memories.

      My brother , Ben. This year he supposed to turn 25. He had blond hair, green calming eyes , tall and both of his hands gave the best hugs and protections for me. I have two elder brother, Rome and Logan. I don't have any fondest memories with them. My mum left me when I was two, but sometimes she would come home when she felt the need. More likely when she ran out of money. It was my father that looked after us most of the time. Unfortunately he was into hard drugs ad anything else you could imagine. He's a hot tempered guy like Rome and Logan.

     Ben was different. Different in every way. He wanted to go to school and be better . He wanted me to do the same but with looking after me and protecting me from all type of abuses that was going, his grades dropped.

     Lots of things seems to be blurry to me as I would be fed with heroin like a candy since I was baby to keep me quiet. So no one would heard me scream. No one would heard me cry. Nobody would notice my absence in school days as my father would tell them packs of lies, things like my mum has cancer.


     As Ben got expelled from high school , things steadily worsened . The beatings seems to get harder when I was around six. Maybe it's because I was older on that time. I noticed what was happening to me. Ben would get up early before anybody else so I could take some lunch to school.

      The weekend of my 7th birthday , Ben gave me a doll. My two other brothers took that doll as soon as I  got it. Devil take the hindmost. They pulled of the doll's head and sprayed the rest of its body red. I started to cry and the put me on the tramp.  They started to jump on me. By the time they had enough, I couldn't walk. Ben carried me off the tramp. I then got pumped full of drugs by my own father. I know he barely stand the sound of me crying all night.

     Once I woke up, my mother was there. I felt a sense of relief when she was there. I know nobody would dare to do any violent to me, If they did, she would take me along with her and they had nothing to play with.  She stayed there for almost a month, where I've build  up dreams that I'll get my perfect family back like old days. One day, I was calling for my mom and I realized that she's gone. She left the house. Again. Few days before , I asked her whether would she stay and care about me, she nodded her head. Now I know , I should never ask questions or what I'm going to hear would always be lies.

     As the abuse worsened, I stopped talking. I would rather talk to my head. I had my own imaginary friend . I was hardly survive at school. The violence started as being beaten up, ended being tortured, raped and choked. People began to notice something wasn't right happening but tell me what could they do? I used to tell them lies and to this very day, I still do.
   
 
To be continued.

In progress.

I guess picture portrayed best , when words doesn't seems to help.


this is what. I am. Now.

Addmath Itu Complicated?

Yeah the formula tells me the whole idea of Addmath : fikiran zaman zaman millenium 2010. Being mocked by voices Addmath Susah Addmath Freaking Addmath Erghhhhh. So resulting into a retarded mind of me who repel on addmath positive charges.

Ye Budak Budak * konon ada yang baca. Haha who cares.* yang bakal ambik addmath masa form four. Ataupun sedang mengalami masalah dengan addmath, sila jangan hubungi saya. I cant solve your problem. Hahah * guling guling* What I love to say is : Addmath don't bite people. :p

Gheeesh why in this world I had that typical mind set at the first place * tears streamed down - insert Kiss The Rain by Yiruma lulz* Because I can have it at the second place. Uuuuuu lame jokes . Eyes in the air. Blergh. 

Oh I got B+ for Addmath. I  mean SPM. Not bad. For me : Major Failure Dealing With Number. Sobs.

Hari ni terasa nak tulis post kat center. Kaitan? I give you no reason. 

I was actually in a state of mind thinking that I'm taking math for the next semester. Why in this world it should be MATH. See typical harden mind. Freakin' out. I thought once I took up A-level taking psychology as an added subject with no MATH would be a heaven * flying in the air , dancing around* But yeah suddenly I fell on the ground. After flying and dancing happily in the air. An air-bus crash me . Airbus? Seriously? 

Math classes.
I had this type of disorders. Yeahh pretty I am a loner. At this time being. Boo me reading 9Gag. Haha

As stated : We MUST take MATH as its an order from JPA.Ottoke? ( mood kogheaaa )
Because out of 50 top universities in UK , only 47 will take you if you have no MATH, So JPA wanted you to have chances to apply to all of them. Whattt? Like seriously its 47/50 maaaaaan. * tarik rambut tak paham* Saya yang menurut perintah 0.0

Well actually when I was in Form 5. After an effective holidays : I went for addmath personal tuition. Harus faham yang aku ni sangat sangat slow dalam addmath. So I crawl like a snail. Do snail crawl? Eh? Abaikan. Addmath wasn't that freakin hard. Masih boleh menelan saliva saliva masuk ke dalam kerongkong. Usus masih boleh mencernakan makanan and the biological process lists goes down.(  I miss biology. Ughh Big Time. )

Logarithm give me a sense of Walllaaaaa when I can solve it after a blurr year of RIP'ing +Math.
I cant really remember but there's a part in addmath where I excel in it. Ergh makin pudar nampaknya neuron dalam kepala perihal Addmath. 

But yeahh. Actually I've been promising myself. That I'll always say I CAN for Math. What I need is always a new start like a baby. Mushhhy musssshy. Be positive. Be optimistic. Lighten up enough? No? Oh Ya? Confidence is my middle name. Grrr . Haha. After 3 weeks of holidaaaay I still ain't connecting myself with all those A-level books yang tersusun rapi. Mana pergi janjimu? Weheeee.  

A month to go. And please don't waste it. 

But still I am not good in NUMBERS . Gimme me lots of WORDS, I'll interpret it well. Miahaha.

STILL, I am hoping that , that that that my mind works on it.

image
* hoping faces *

Berjimba with le brothers.

Tadi pergi berjimba dengan encik encik adik yang tiga orang. Well untuk ditawarkan pergi menonton wayang adalah sangat peliks bagi aku. Well my mom rarely offered us such idea. Thanks to ibu for letting us to go :)

So its a sudden plan. So yeahh MBO Melaka Mall would be my choice. Wahaaa :3 sebab #OneThingThatIHate is crowd. Melaka Mall is a place that offers me calmness and less crowd. Walaaaa wujud lagi sebenarnya tempat aman sentosa cenggini. I wish to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2,  ( seiiring dengan umur saya yang lapan belas ni muehehe ) tapi memandangkan ada  adik adik yang tak lepas tengok P18 P13 ni T.T , terpaksa aku turunkan liabiliti 18 aku kepada tahap umur 10 dengan memilih Rise Of The Guardian. Istanbul Aku Datang macam menarik tapi itu semua boleh tengok kat CeritaMaster ( aii aii sifu ) haha.

Tiket 2.15, we're there by 1.45 so before 2.15 we played games. Wohoooo as far as I could remember, its a long time since I had a play time like that. Gooof.

Movie review : Jack Frost is so handsome omnomnomnom :3 , To rate Rise Of The Guardian : as I love cartoons and I would rate it 9/10 :) It's something worth to watch daripada that eiuwwww gross Aku Terima Nikahnya. Well dont blame me if I hate it : bukan tak sokong filem tempatan tapi erghhhhhh.

Meh laaa ai give some pictures and videos :s



brothers :$



VIDEOS :)

video
terasa nak main basket ball. I score very well :)

video
in the cinema. Aku epic fail sikit buat video bagai ni :3

Shhhh. Tell no one, its our secret.

Have you ever been in this situation. Where someone rely on you to keep something as secret. But eventually you against your own word by telling the secrets to the third person : " Weh jangan bagitahu orang lain, aku bagitahu kau sorang je ni,  dia tak kasi aku bagitahu kau sebenarnya. " And fake people to the end.

Well you should know that : Once you did that , rumours spreading. The third person might tell the secret to the fourth person and the list goes down. Cerita asal bakal ditambah perisa. Implication might lead to prejudice and discrimination.

I know that most of human did this. Intentions : Not so clear. Even me myself did this before , I mean for times . I am a human, I've so much flaws inside me I admit it . You say NO huh, deniable shows the truth that lies on your name.

Human can't be trusted. Agree?

Once I've tell myself. Trust no one. 100%. Because human is unreliable for secrets. There're stuff that we need to keep to ourselves. Tell no one, its your secret. Thats why I tend to speak to the trees or even clouds. Bunyi cam orang gila? Well I'd say aku gila kalau aku cerita semua rahsia pada manusia. As the term : OUR doesn't fix to two person. Our can be a group of person, a society maybe. So once your secret is our secret, its not a secret anymore.

Like people updating status : Tiada siapa yang tahu apa perasaan aku saat ini . Biarlah rahsia  ( disertakan bersama hashtag ) #sedih #pilu #kecewa #heartbreak ( disertakan sekali emoticon sedih ) :'( <----- well you just let the whole world to know your feeling. Puih.

O.O

Sometimes ada jugak manusia yang pelik. Its like

A : Weh aku bagitahu kau sorang je ni. Jangan bagitahu orang lain.
B : Ye ye ye. Cerita laaaa ( muka kambing )

A : Wehh aku bagitahu kau sorang je ni. Aku tak bagitahu orang lain.
C : Trust me. Aku takkan bagitahu orang lain.

When B met C.

B : Wehh aku bagitahu kau ni , kau jangan bagitahu orang lain tau.A blaaa blaaa blaaaa.
C : Ehh camne kau tahuu? Dia kata dia bagi tahu aku sorang je. 

[ Awkward moment]



So never rely on human when its a secret. Lagipun when you say it : A Secret. Secret bukan ke sesuatu yang kita simpan. Kalau dah ditunjuk dan dicerita. Bukan lagi rahsia namanya .

So please, shhhhh tell no one, its our secret *devil laugh*

I miss you. Maybe.

You dissapeared.  Well its hard to admit but I miss you. Hardly fall into this mushy mushy dovey thingy. But yeah. I miss you.

You shouldn't know who are you. But almost everyday I stalk you. Purposely. Please show some sign that you're doing good.

You. I wish you a happy life.

ps. New Look. Old blog. I need a fresh start :)

Cerita Cuti Aku I

K tajuk nak gaya gaya Kak Fatin Liyana giteww :) Long live SBPI Selandar. * tetiba * haha :)

Cuti dah 3 minggu berlalu dan baru hari ni terfikir nak tulis sesuatu perihal Cuti Saya. K macam buat karangan darjah 2. So everyday is almost the same . Excluding for driving license , insyaAllah Selasa depan lesen L insyaAllah ada dalam tangan. * neuron kepala excited * Berbekalkan kamera 2.0 mega pixel Nokia C3 yang tercinta saat orang lain boleh mendabik dada dengan SI, SII, SIII mereka, saya setia bersama Nokia . Haha who cares. Too much of those stuff may ruin my surrounding. I mean yeahh, people tend to talk to their gadjet more than they talked to human. Serious said. Awkward faces. =='

I am lazy to write . Lemme tell youhh through le pictures and the videos.? Oghait. Bajet berjota viewers letuwww najwa oi.

Sesi kejar angsa :p . Angsa accident di tengah jalan , tapi watlek watpis je dia.

video

Angsa ni nama dia Awang, dia sangat suka merayau pergi rumah sebelah. So nak taknak kena berusaha kejar hantar dia balik rumah :P Sumpahh woo penat tak terkata. Abaikan sound effect yang macam hape. Hur hur

video
The boys and the ball :p le cousins kecik. 


Nadzmi turun cari bola, k sempat posing bang :)

yeah aku dah bola * suara Avengers Lapar * Yeayy Kita Menang - erkk T.T

Saya jejaka paling kacak di kampung. 

You know its hard to snap a picture of this cat. 

Main sorok sorok bawah pokok =='

Oh dah jumpaaaaa ke? o.o

K budak sorang ni dah macam anak orang asli main tempurung segala atas kepala :p



Gambar sendiri rasa macam dah lama tak menyemak lulz.


home sweet home :D

Sepohon Rindu Terlerai.

Tak pernah pernah rasanya rajin nak buat review novel. Okay please bare in mind yang title merupakan tajuk sebuah novel. Saya belum putus fius masuk scene jiwang karats.

So what so special about this novel. Sebab utama, there's my full name inside there : Anis Najwa. Woooots . Ni novel lama. For me, it can be considered lama sebab dia published 6 years before : 2006. Bagaimana saya menyedari kehadiran novel ini? I googled my name. Bajet retiss giteww. Haha. I found out this novel tahun 2009, tapi saat tu mana ada akaun bank, ye dakk? Pejabat pos pun jauh nak buat wang pos bagai. Niat pun dikuburkan.

 Back in 2012, teringat akan kewujudan novel ini, tambahan sudah mempunyai akaun bank sendiri ( mata kucing ) ) aku berusaha cari contact number dalam internet to get this novel. Woohoooo I should thank Azeyati Abdul Rahman for this :) RM 20 is worth all this while. Yipee I am a happy kid.


Banyak benda dalam novel ni macam coincidentally the same in my life. Erkk. Ahaaaa assuming.  I mean by names. Ada nama Anis Najwa. She took account but she loves law. In real life anis najwa yang ini tidak sukakan akaun langsung * tak terpernah terlintas di fikiran waras* . Dia belajar dekat UiTM Shah Alam, saya belajar dekat UiTM jugak, tapi INTEC, kolej persediaan ke luar negara. Ameeeen :) . Make it short, Anis ni suka seorang lelaki nama dia Aiman. In real life, I once fall for a guy named Aiman back in primary school because he recites Al-Quran very well. Kecik kecik dah berangan cinta versi Ayat Ayat Cinta. Puihhh. 

So dalam ni ada jugak nama Hakim. Apa life dia ni dikelililngi lelaki ni. Lulz. Haha. Siapa Hakim? In real life he's a brother to my best friend. A junior franked said. Haha . Ada la dulu terminat dua tiga saat ( ni tipu ) : menyedari hakikat umur dan tak sanggup berkakak iparkan sahabat baik sendiri. Niat di hati dikuburkan. Bapak geli perempuan ni jiwang jiwang cam kucing T.T haha .Perempuan ini ditujukan pada diri sendiri. Awkward. LALALA. Dalam novel ni Hakim tu doktor, mehh aku aminkan Hakim real life doktor jugak. One fine day. Ameeeeen. Hakim ni sorang je panggil Anis Najwa as Najwa :p . Lain semua panggil Anis.

So I wuvvvvvv this novel vewyyyy muchhh. 

Karakter yang Anis Najwa ni bawak seems to be similar. Pendam rasa. Aicewaaaaaah. Kasar kasar sikit. Eh samaaalah titew :p hahaha. Well this novel is well versed. Takde jiwang tahap karma. Mungkin cuma tajuk buat alergik sikit. Dalam novel ni jugak, I should bring back my mind back to zaman zaman phone masih tak digunakan secara berleluasa : Pakai phone rumah : Public phone : Balas balas email. Atototo kalau sekarang , gayut phone rumah? Hmmmmph. 

SO, Worth it rasanya susah payah cari novel ni. Selain memberikan rasa retisss kerana nama sendiri ada dalam novel. * rambut gerbang depan kipas * haha

Adios. Thanks Iyza Amyza for writing this awesome novel. Pandai pilih nama :p

Lets see the pictures.

:)


Anis Najwa. Aiman :)

Anis Najwa ni pun minat law macam saya :D

Hakim berkenan dekat Najwa ye? *muka gatal*


hahahahahha * panjang ketawa 12 harakat* adiosss peope.

Action speaks louder than words do.

So I was wondering something since yesterday. Do everything need to be express physically . Or it seems to be enough by just saying?

ACTION.
                SPEAKS.
                                LOUDER
                                                THAN
                                                           WORDS DO.



Like  le husband saying  " Aku Terima Nikahnya Anis Najwa Nazari "( berangan ). Expressed by words. Cukup? Cukup untuk menghalalkan yang haram. But can you see money dropping from they sky? Like As long as you love me ,We could be starving, we could be homeless, we could be broke (  for serious? ) As long as you love me ,I'll be your platinum, I'll be your silver, I'll be your gold . Ughh. I seriously taknak pertaruhkan akal fikiran waras kerana cinta. Aicewaah.

So  its not enough. Taking something from another point of view.

Agama. 

Tidak cukup sekadar ucap dua kalimah syahadah. Sebab tu Allah syariatkan ibadah. Sebab tu Islam datangkan sekali pakej Rukun Islam. Rukun Iman. A way of life :) Macam niat, niat nak buat baik dapat pahala, kalau di ekspresikan niat melalui perbuatan, berlipat ganda pahala. Kan? 

Nowadays people easily said. Good in saying but fail in doing.

Gaza is under attack. Almost everyday I saw numerous tweets with a hashtag #PrayForGaza. I am glad because of everyone was alert on whats going on. But, is it enough by just playing with hashtag. Menunjukkan benci dengan cara serendah rendah iman iaitu dengan hati. There goes the boycott thingy. A matter of facts, ain't happening in the real world. Tepuk dada tanya selera. Tepuk poket tanya mana pergi duit. 

Doa itu tak datang sendiri . Kena selarikan dengan Usaha. Dah Usaha, Kita teruskan dengan Ikhtiar : cari jalan lain dan akhrinya tawakkal : as we've showed our best kan. Macam Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia. Kita buat semua D.U.I.T tu. bukan setakat buat yang D : Doa. Sebab Allah pun cakap dalam In His Mighty Sayings Al-Quran ,

surah At Taubah ayat 105 :

 Dan katakanlah wahai Muhammad “ Hendaklah kamu semua berusaha (beramal ) kerana Allah akan melihat dan menilai apa yang kamu usahakan .”

I once had a prefect course back in highschool. He's holding a balloon with a fire under it , balloon tu meletup and he kept repeating the same procedure again and over again to another balloon. And he asked : Apa yang kita nak buat untuk elakkan daripada belon ni terus meletup ? And everyone was like, " Padamkan api tu "" " Stop doing it" * chaotic situation , and there's a person bangun and tolak balloon tu ke tepi, avoiding it to get close to the fire. So That's The Solution : Action Speaks Louder Than Words . 

Semua mampu cakap. Tak semua mampu buat. 

Renung renungkan.


ps. I've passed my first test. For L license. Steps taken. Still walking , a way to A Car License ( muka bersemangat waja ). I took 9 minutes 49 seconds for the test and 47 over 50 is not bad. Alhamdulillah :) Bragging ye najwa. Bragged . Boo you.

Driving license.

You know when everything in this world seems costly. Feel like driving a wheelbarrow je T.T

I've been pressuring myself regarding this. Major devastation I tell you. I've gathered confidence in driving dalam kelajuan yang comel :p and make Wira so useful. Bawak jenjalan dalam kawasan rumah. Gear paling tinggi I've used is Gear 2. Mahu tak rosak kereta. P tripple F and T. Pffft. When people asked : Najwa dah ada lesen. I can shout very loud : TAKDE. TAKDE. TAKDE. And some of them make awkward faces. Erk. Haha :p :p See , confidence is in my middle name :)

I've been planning about this driving thingy all this while. Lets say, in two years time, UK-going insyaAllah. And after three years, balik, habiskan CLP, Certificate of Legal Practice. Tup tup * memasukkan plan nak goyang kaki dua tiga bulan : devil laugh inserted * kena panggil kerja ke kan? Naya dibuatnya. I mean, you need to confront semua transport matter, living matter. Idk why I am thinking this but I'm dealing with all assumptions and possibilities.

So I consider driving license is a must. I guess? Kereta boleh negotiate . haha.

*sigh so deep*

I remember vividly how I first know how to make a car accelerate sebab aku nak menyapu. I tried so hard. Thinking on how to make the manual car to move. I tried once, gerak, second time : What did I do just now. What did I do to make it move just now T.T : BLANKED : I make a phone call to my bestfriend since she's taking the driving thingy. Ahaaaa I made it. I move the car back and forth and since the day I played my Wira almost everyday, secretly. Without letting my parents to know. I could be the reason why there's kesan kesan calar yang awesome pada kereta, blame all those pokok for being there. Har har har.

And now. This driving thingy is all around my head. Muntah hijau.

Oh I might even think how to drive in rains. Wasn't it hard. I guess so. Impressed with drivers. aha :)

gambar tiada kaitan dengan post. Adios :)

Ignorance.

I feel like writing something inside here :) Regarding ignorance. The tittle should speak earlier.


Ignorance is my major failure in life. I rarely see people. Even if I am in crowd. So its very hard for me to remember people surrounds me , who I mean we met only once. Overtimes I felt so bad regarding my ignorance.

Lots of example in life I faced regarding this.

For example during HKSBP. Hari Kecemerlangan Sekolah Berasrama Penuh. * thanks for those people who try to call back my memory : terima kasih mengingatkan *

Like meeting Ajlaa back in TKC. We're in the same room for quarantine time. I even talk to them. I TALK TO THEM I TELL YUUUUUUH. But sadly I can't even remember them so well. T.T Ini sangat sedih. I can't even remember I talk to whom in that room. See how random I am at approaching people. Hur hur hur.  Thanks for Allah, we meet again. And thanks to Ajlaa for reminding me this.

I guess my head and my soul ain't working together. I mean at that particular time. Pergi Fully Resedential School International Symposium ( FRSIS 2011 ) pun sama. Please don't ask me whether I remember you or not. I failed. I tell you. Don't ever said to me : Kita pernah jumpaaa la kat bla bla, you even talk to me. Ouchhh. Ouchhhh. Pedih kepala guaaa nak mengingat.  Ingatkan saya perlahan lahan.

Cam orang tua 80 tahun perempuan ni T.T

There was once in 2009. I met a guy. He's a SDAR debater. I can't remember when I talk to him * when I met him pun aku  lupa : But I once said : if you're free, tengoklah I debate. * I said this. For God sake aku lupaa * . He's a Malay guy whom looks like a Chinese. I've misunderstood him as a chinese before. DIpendekkan cerita, I was in a debate against SBPI Gopeng. I really thought that I will be the best speaker for that game unfortunately the third speaker from the opposition was like so so so disappointing me. And during that game, mata aku melilau lilau tengok sekeliling and there's a guy who looks like a chinese guy smiled at me. I've told you I am very random kan, so I smiled back. Bila game tu habis and we loose I guess,   I dont feel that bad sebab I've give my best effort there, masa aku tengah dikelilingi senior debat BM, tanya pendapat about hows the game went. Okay ke tidak. The guy whom smiled at me tadi tu approach. And he was like saying : You're  bla bla bla. I love your style. Then aku anggukkan je. Sebab I taught oh biasaaaa laaa tu :p And I remembered Abg Ejam ( my senior debat BM ) said to me : Anis tak kenal dia ke? * aku geleng kepala * Abg Ejam pun cakap : Heyy dia tu debater SDAR, Dia datang sebab semata mata  nak tengok Anis debate. And I was like * jatuh rahang * * memanggil semula memori * * memory datang balik* ahhahaahahha :P Naaaa, I remembered his name : Aiman Nasardin :) and I apologized him for that. Dia dah agak dah aku lupa. Wakakaka :p

Masa form 2 jugak. Balik dari SMSAS for debate in Kedah. I was closed to Saser's debater. But I can't remember their names even their faces. They're way older than me pun. Hur hur hur. I still remember yang masa dah sampai Saser aku tak turun pergi toilet, seeing the saser boys mintak nombor dari tingkap * aku peramah , sila jangan salah anggap* Since I lost my 017 number back then, I even lost contact dengan mereka. Miahaha. Allah tak kasi bermaksiatt tu :P

memories.

Same goes pada Ainaa. I once asked her, how we actually knew each other. I mean even satu kelas law. I rarely talk to people sebab dulu masa first time masuk duduk sebab Mell dengan Aina Rokman. She remembered me the first time we talk ialah di atas bas. I am the one who start pulak tu. Again randomness. I ask her about law jugak rasanya. I asked nak law precise kat mana. Hur hur hur :P She said international law. So that's the start on how I knew her :)

I should apologize people for my ignorance. Bukan nak bajet retisss bila tulis benda ni. Just to spill out the memories I had back then. I guess up until now I never learn. Kau jangan suruh aku ingat tarikh kenal ke, anniversary ke. FAIL FAIL.

I will change this. Pray for me.

Unmentioned.

I've been tortured by the unmentioned thingy. you know what I mean : its the T.W.I.T.T.E.R , obvious.


DEAR YOU, this post is meant to be yours.

You know when the time you burst all your anger into curse words. I hate it . It happened and bravo you for driving my emotions upside down. I am so gonna shout it out here. 

Kau apaaaa yang tak puas hati dengan aku. Tell me. 

It's been a while after I had a personal post like this. One to One post. Screw you human. Hey this is a place that offers me A Freedom Of Speech. If you said that you franked your words all the way. Why I can't? Besides who's in the wrong stand now? Am I so  wrong to tell you the truth. And why in this world I should be stupid enough to pull back my words, which I use no vulgar words. No taboo languages : I speak the truth. 

Hey I make no mess in your life . I make no mess. You're the one who feel the tweets were meant for you. Seek before everything. Pergi mampussss la. K fine aku terasa because I knew you're pointing all your tweets to me. So what? Screw you for the second time. Sumpah rasa macam nak screw pakai spanar. 

I tell you what. 

Dont ever start any silence war. I can be violent enough with my words and thoughts. IF YOU WISH TO SEE ALL THE ANGERS IN MY EYES, mess up my life. I'll mess you even worse. 

serious said. Kau pernah nampak aku main main?

done.

Criteria Pasangan Hidup ? Perlu ke?

Pulling out myself from the past is one of the thing that I considered hard for me. I don't know why but this past years thingy keep bothering me. I am not saying that I am not happy with the present but hell yeah, ITS HARD I TELL YOUUUUUUU :'/

I was actually trying to leave the past. Move forward. And yet still trying.

Nevertheless , I hate myself to be dragged a lot for future. You know people kept talking about early marriage , wondering how future undertakes : Berangan, siapa tak rasa seronok? Nak nak overshadowed by the novel thingy : Lelaki hensem, gentleman, melimpah ruah kasih sayang , future imam , and the list goes down. Voilaaaaa memang tak laaa kan.

You know I've been wondering one matter all this while. About girls updating status like : I want a guy *with this and this and this criteria* and I was like * jatuh rahang* . One day, bukankah jodoh yang telah ditetapkan tu accomplish us? By mean even tak satisfy list list lelaki idaman so bla bla. By mean You Don't Need To Order That Much. Adakah penangan Aku Terima Nikahnya?


Allah cakap : Do good, granted with someone good. An-Nur stated so. Tak percaya?

Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable.
( An-Nur : 26 )

Ps : I LOATHE  Aku Terima Nikahnya. Despite people saying : SWEETNYA, SEDIHNYA * whattt?? . Pakkk Hanggg. You don't see all the ethical values in the religion dia tak take into account? Geli tahu? * istighfar * Do you really need all those romance touch between two non-muhrim for a romance movie? Tak perlu nak The Vow sangatlah kan.

Lagipun by doing the list : You're giving a huge stress to the guys. Handsome, gentleman and what so ever it is : ukuran dia ada kat tangan kita. You give out the list :

 LELAKI IDAMAN SAYA 

1. Macho
2. Gentleman
3. Romantik 
4. Mampu menjadi ayah kepada anak anak saya.
5. Mampu menjadi imam
6. K korang fikirlah apa list yang seterusnya . Pening nak fikir bebanyak.Kalau boleh memang nak sebijik dengan watak Adam ke, Tengku Syahran or other novel heroes *muntah hijau*

and this list vice versa to : PEREMPUAN IDAMAN SAYA. but I guess guys rarely do this. I can't provide any reason but I feel so.

Marriagement is something that you work it out together? Am I right or Am I right? So buat apa buat list list ni bagai. Not necessary . Lagipun too much criteria would led you insane . Serious said. Yaaa I know Human nak perfection. Ye dakk?

Memanglah : Kuasa Memilih Hak Kami ( I've been seeing this type of sentences everywhere lol =='  ) tapi uphold the faith la. Percaya dengan apa Allah janji. I am not saying you just need to let go everything. Tak berusaha. But yeahhhh. Susah nak cakap.

Moreover this kind of marriage thingy : I saw juniors. Lots of juniors making this. Kahwin bagai. Idaman idaman bagai. Ughhh kiddos , you haven't explore the world yet. You just see a small part of it. Aku admit, bila masuk higher institutions, you got to know lots of people with different life . When you feel that you need to secure yourself from the scary world . Bina kekuatan dalam perang nafsu berliku ( wallaaaaa aku sumpah rasa yang aku ambik Sastera Melayu time A-level ni ). And somehow you would feel yang : All those craps or cinta monyet bagai is a waste. Waste of time. WASTE i tell you.

And a part of menyesal jugak akan ada bila You Put Too Much of Meaningless Attention To Something You Don't Even Need to Give Any.

Okay tetiba rasa macam membebel panjang pulak pasal benda ni.  So this a reminder I guess. For me , *obviously* For you guys if you guys mind reading. Thank you.

Assalamualaikum :)

HOLIDAY. Feel blessed.

it's HOLIDAY PEOPLE!!! *K tetiba je semangat terabyte*

Happy Holiday to Me, I got 7 weeks of breaks . Oh Intec I love you for this. I am going to miss my Semester One so bad.  *singing birthday song* By the way : todays date is nice : 10/11/12 :)

camwhore in Ainaa's iPod. wakakaa :3

 To warga warga sekolah : You will definitely feel so blessed. Getting a long long holiday : breaks for hectic life , breaks from the school rules.  Yeah I felt it for years back then in Selandar. Everyone feels it. Except for SPM sitter *devils laugh*  Yeahh My  Mum feels so glad . At last she can enjoy tranquility being home with kids. I mean with me *gelak gelak kucing Parsi*

I was actually planning for a holiday. A swim. And I know it won't be a reality. Gheeesh menangis aku. My father is busy with the SPM thingy. Neither my sister nun dekat di Sains Rembau. I hate SPM for once , for not letting me and my family berjimba jimba like Simba The Lion King. Oh I am cursed with the holiday to stuck myself with the boys. I mean my younger brothers.  * feel like a mashed potato bababanana *

Motif post : Sebab Nak Shout Out Holiday.

thats all. Adios people.

Express Yourself.

What I love about INTEC is they usually provide a cute way in expressing yourself : Like putting a sets of crayon, colours, buncho's papers and brush.

SILA EKSPRESIKAN STRESS ANDA MELALUI LUKISAN. and this is what we do after our economics paper. Tell you what : aku pasrah dengan Ilahi with what I've done.

WE'RE YET SO SO SO SO CREATIVE :P

this is what I do :) :)

comel kan?





comel kan INTEC :)) 



Mindset. We have the power to control :)

I started my day with something sweet today. I mean I got to learn new things. Meet new experiences. Isn't it sweet?  It is. I need no denying statement. Because i wake up early : Do something beneficial at least. I did it alhamdulillah.

Why in this world I am talking about MINDSET.

I have sigh for zillion times : english susah english susah english susah. Making myself ionized by the negative charges and repelling every ion ion positive english taught and this is not chemistry. Haha. Back in high school : Perempuan ini selalu berlagak konon dia power english jadi cuma memandang english dengan mata kanan yang disepetkan. Tetapi kenyataannya tidak seperti yang dilagak-lagakkan meowm meow * k sila sepak aku dengan kelajuan 300mbps * and now they cursed me now. I am currently learning Technical English. Its like learning the factors of the language itself and for whom yang allergic dengan bahasa atas sebab mungkin mereka menggunakan bahasa alien dalam pertuturan seharian : A-level English Language bukan untuk anda *muka serious*

So I guess my first impression learning this english language wasn't that good : So the MINDSET jadi harden. Its like I never say senang for english and keep the stress hells up. *muntah pelangi*  .

While doing past year paper : You know one kind of feeling masa jawab exam kan , for sudden jumpa satu question ( I mean lots of questions that seems to be alike )  : and your responds sounds like this : WEHHH PEBENDA NI, TAK PERNAH BELAJAR PUNNNNNN  dan perasaan untuk bertukar kepada herbivor dengan memakan kertas periksa tetiba memuncak. Phewwwww.



Dek kerana terlalu banyak hiperbola dan neuron neuron kepala yang menunjukkan sign negative terhadap english. I decided to change the M.I.N.D.S.E.T.

Keep Calm. Calm down.

Textbooks seems to be so boring and I dived into the internet, search for new websites for english. And I found one. Coincidentally. I just love coincidence. I started to read through and yeah , bila kepala rasa kosong, ion semua di neutralize. Ohh i am flying in the air ( sambil duduk depan kipas meja rambut terbang terbang ) . I feel blessed .

The decision of making a short meet with my previous english lecturer wasn't a waste.At All. Terima Kasih Miss Wani :)) . I got lots of new tips. Recalling back what I've read the night before and the feeling is awesome. The meet :  It was unplanned. Just wanted to do so. I text her. She replied me a bit late ( disaat aku pasrah je dengan english ) and alhamdulillah she does not dissapoint me. We arrange a meet, thought of making it yesterday but then she's busy so Friday is the day. " Bila fikir balik , macam malas je nak pergi Intec. Its jumaat. Its early in the morning. I got no class. I got no exam. I can sleep as long as I can. Sejuk pulak tu pepagi. " ( sedap wooo tidur pepagi sejuks sejuks ) But I rejected my mind sebab : I need to settle this things up. And Allah make it a success.

I guess the mindset need more time to change.

After all, HE is the best planner.

Tell you what? I've done my law paper. * singing zing song translyvania *

Have I told you , I mean through the posts I've made , Rezeki Rahsia Allah. Up until now I strongly believe in the quotes. I mean my life experiences taught me that. * air mata mengalir *

I just wanted to share it here :

Tadi keluar makan kat seksyen 2. Jangan tanya kenapa jauh sangat, aku cuma nak makan Ani Sup Utara, so I went there with my law mates. Coolio masing masing , muka happy habis law. So we went there right after law paper menggunakan T529 * ITS A BUS dear blog tersayang * , sampai sampai pekena ABC special fredoo ,tah hape nama dia tah : but I guess its awesome sebab beli 2 kongsi 9 orang. * ketawa comel *

Kan cuaca lately : moreover kawasan Lembah Klang was not that stable these days. As expected : ITS RAINING. Penat kepala ni susun strategi, macam mana nak balik hostel dalam keadaan aman damai dan sentosa lagi berbahagia. I mean , tak kena hujan lagi. Because I sense my body tempreture naik malam tadi, sebab petang tu jawab psycho dalam air cond yang sejuk bersama baju yang basah. Jarang demam and I'm so scared of demam masa masa final. You know how it feels like kan?

Memang dalam kepala tadi plan camni * sambil mata pandang hujan yang tak akan reda *

Route dari perhentian bas seksyen 18 ke akasia : Hmm *siap lukis hahh*

besarkan untuk tumbesaran : Bayangkan hujan lebat gilos :p 
Petunjuk :
  • Kotak 18 : perhentian bas seksyen lapan belas.
  • --> --> --> : route yang bakal ditempuh.
  • akasia : Tempat yang dituju.
  • Mydin sekadar hiasan semata. Ehh dia wujud kat situ =='

1. Naik bas --> Sampai Intec -->  *kena hujan sebab nak redah masuk intec balik *--> naik bas intec --> sampai depan hostel . conclusion satu : kena hujan.

2. Naik bas --> Sampai perhentian bas seksyen 18 --> *lari lari balik hostel sambil redah hujan* --> sampai depan hosetel. conclusion 2 : kena hujan jugak T^T

3. Naik bas --> Sampai perhentian bas seksyen 18 --> Naik teksi. Conclusion : Idea ini dicemuh sebab dikatakan membazir. Tapi tak kena hujan. Kan? haha

4. Idea keempat agak tidak masuk akal : Meminta belas kasihan pakcik bas RapidKL berhenti betul betul depan hostel. * siapa aku dia nak layan *

So lihat tak bertapa complicatednya kepala aku berfikir pasal benda ni. Because I simply get flu bila kena hujan. And flu wooooo my heads off.

But AFTER ALL, HE IS THE BEST PLANNER. Thank you Allah.

Sebab masa nak tunggu bas, on the way balik : suddenly bas INTEC berhenti depan perhentian bas seksyen 2 tu. To trace whether the bus belongs to UiTM or INTEC UiTM, you just need to see the sign. Stated : CENDANA. Just so you know CENDANA is the hostel for the intec junior boys. Program jangka masa panjang. 1st and 2nd sem.

Glad to Allah jugak, INTEC tak ramai student. I mean, its easy for the pakcik bas to acknowledge us as intec's student * ke pakcik kenal saya je? ehhh haha * : sebab pakcik kata : Kalau korang pakai SARI pun pakcik kenal. * pakcik, apakah? Sari? For serious? * haha And yeah kami selaku warga intec yang berdedikasi, pakcik pakcik bas yang budiman memang dikenali, because that's the staple transport we have everyday is BUS. You got staple food, we got our staple transport. lol.

Maka-nya semua plan plan dalam kepala tadi demolished serta merta. Pakcik Sanusi * I guess I stalked him, sebab pakcik ni alim and dia selalu bawak bas 6.30 sambil bukak ikim.fm * hantar kami balik, betul betul sampai depan hostel , kena hujan, tempias tempias sikit, I mean takdelah basah kuyup, hidup segan mati tak mahu. Haha.

See?

I consider that as rezeki Allah. No one knows. He's the best planner despite plan plan aku selaku seorang hamba. Sepanjang perjalanan balik, aku sangat sangat beryukur dan terharu. I guess no one knows how I feels like. You know. Nak bukak hikayat hikayat lama , kenapa aku sangat pegang the quotes of Rezeki Itu Rahsia Allah.

Yet its a very simple moment .

Dapat balik naik bas. Tak kena hujan. It might looks simple . Like nothing to do to relate with the values in life. But I am taking everything into account. And big yes.

I feel so bless today. Alhamdulillah.