What A Day :)

To make yourself a complete mess. I did .
To have lots of things to be settle down in a day. I do.
To feel a sense of relief . I just did.

So I've passed my JPJ test. Tell you what. *rasa nak jerit jerit tengah msdc* . Ya Allah alhamdulillah. For easing things for me. From the very start. Kau bekalkan aku kesabaran yang tinggi. I survived a day. Alhamdulillah. Praising to Him.

I am the one who decide to mash up things on the 31st of december. The only reason is : I don't want to interrupt my classes. Especially math classes. Oh please. Bila tengok jadual : There's math Isnin dengan Khamis okay. Test JPJ dekat msdc tu cuma buat Isnin Khamis je. Oh Oh. Ya Allah terima kasih yang tak terhingga :')

Even macam celaru pergi-balik-patah balik , a tiring day. A very tiring day. Pleased by the smooth flow.

Thanks for whom who count me in their dua's. The one who give me those spirits. The good advises. Appreciated.

Now seating in-front of the laptop. Hearing to musics. Done solat. Back to Shah Alam for more extreme days. Back to hectic but enjoyable life. Reformating back my sleep time. Oh Intec I misssh youhhh <3 7 WEEKS wehh passed by. Masa sprint habis. Semester 2, lets berkerjasama :D

semester dua.

oh bye bye L license :p


Wishing the best for two thousand thirteen. 

SBPI Selandar : Sekolah Berprestasi Tinggi.

Praising to Allah for the SBT. Even though aku dah masuk list list sejarah sekolah. I'm proud to be one :)

Despite bila orang tanya, " SBPI Selandar tu dekat mana? Perak ke " errrr like seriously if you ask me this question in 2006, I'll say Perak jugak. EH. haha synchronize apa nama Selandar dengan Perak. Kaitan? Tang tu aku sangat bersabar explain, SBPI Selandar tu dekat Melaka. Hujung Melaka nak masuk sempadan Negeri Sembilan. Dekat dengan Gemencheh. tetiba jadi cikgu Geografi untuk lima minit.

After 5 years passed by. Glad that I've been there. Realization comes after I end my school life. A place which stores thousands of memories. A calm place to study. The place where I develop myself. The place where lots of people develop themselves. Meskipun usia baru nak masuk sedekad. Great achievements , applause to the teachers. The prefects family. The students either. And everybodaaayh include staf staf, pakcik jaga kebun , sob sobs rindu pakcik Muslim, makcik kantin. Oh rindunyaaaa :)

So talking about SBT. Just passed by comments through facebook *like again* ( dont blame me because I don't stalk, its on my timeline okay ) Just saw some people bragged about they're the one who should be holding those SBT certs and etc etc  , ohh yucks. Stop it okay. Tak perlu rasanya? Kan? Because I believe, usaha nak dapat SBT bukan datang dari satu batch. Bukan setahun dua. It started ever since the pioneer lagi. I guess  sifat hasad dengki takabbur between batches ni common thing happened in school. Feeling proud about your batch based on academic achievements is not something to be proud about sepanjang zaman.

Jadi matang sikit mungkin?

I realize, my batch, DEUS EX MACHINA, bukan satu batch yang pandai. In a way, bukan high-achiever. SPM takde straight A plus. But I had a sense, a personal sense where we leave something for the school. I dont know, maybe its because, its my batch, so nak menangkan batch sendiri or what. Well even though reality says so, I am proud with my my Machinants siblings. now and forever.

So sebenarnya. Tak payah bergaduh atau nak bragged yang si polan atau si polan lebih layak pegang cert SBT. Sebab you need to realize, dalam rekod rekod SBT tu, ramai lagi boleh claim, saya yang patut ikut pengetua naik pentas. Oh maaaan SBT pun boleh jadi isu eh? Just stop it. Face the reality.

Well done SBPI Selandar. Glorious Selandar :) Even though takde peluang nak cakap personally to the teachers, to ayahanda, I faced the moment where we striving hard for the SBT thingy. Because I am the part of them. We are. Tahniah Ayahanda Encik Karim Bin Bayok. Deepest gratitude. hard works paid. Well done . I miss the school. I miss my cikgu cikgu. One of the big thing that I miss is, my time being Majlis Tertinggi. With the great bench of leaders. Great? We are. We were. Oh Villa Puteri jugak.

Oh yaa, Sekolah Berasrama Penuh Integrasi Selandar terletak di Melaka Bandaraya Bersejarah ( merely with those 500 tahun, bandar teknologi Hijau ) Miahaha.

Skincare.

Why in this world Anis Najwa talking about S.K.I.N.C.A.R.E? hormonal distractions. Maybe. Haha

Well I tell you what, I'm a bit concerned on how I look nowadays because I am turning 19 next year *wasabelebelewasabeleonggapa* Bukan nak muka putih melepak macam tikus ( tikus? PUTIH? like seriously o.o ) I just wanna heal scars on my face. Kalau pakai tudung takde laaa nampak, kalau free hair, mauuu sorok muka belakang tutup kuali. Miahaha. I am scared it become more severe. It started like really small and affected to both side of my cheek. Ujian ujian .

I referred to doctor about times, and hell yeah mungkin kerana hospital kerajaan ( erks ==' ) , dia bagi aku seekor antibiotik and thats all. Wehh gimme some cream or something. You ain't helping doctors. Aku emang seorang manusia yang sangat benci makan ubat because it's drug. I am a student so taking antibiotics is really  something I don't really prefer. Ke ikut kepala aku je senanya ? Alasan drug bagai. But I guess it makes sense. Kan? Oh btw I am not a medical student. Obviouslaaaaayh o.o

Aku ni jadi perempuan fail sifat sifat mahmudah seperti selalu tak bersabar. Nak kesan dalam sehari kalau boleh. Wakaka sepak diri sendiri boleh? I've spent my money on a korean product. Used it for more than a month, it doesn't work for my skin. T.T sobbbsosssu melayang layang duit ke udara. Aku punyalah berdisplin pakai produk tu siang malam. Effect-nya Huaaaawaaa, ya mungkin sebab aku take things for granted. I left it to my mum to decide what I shall wear. I shall change that typical habit. I shall. I am.

So I guess because my face is ooooooooily thus resulting to jerawats jerawats merayap . And I am so scared dia jadi lagi teruk. Owaaa tak sanggup. Mungkin juga kerana tangan gatal pegang pegang muka. Ini habit pun wajar disepuk dengan kelajuan 3000mbps . Tak buffer langsungg kau. haha. *Cam mak nenek je bercerita aku ni*  Mana pergi keayuan sebagai seorang wanita ye Najwa.

I've been googling for this matter. I guess I've found what I want to wear. Satgi shopping beli satu. Kita give it a try once :D Tipulah yang aku taknak muka aku fair macam perempuan sebaya-baya aku. I still have that another side of me. Miahahaha. Tapi bukan sebab nak please society ( like be accepted ke hapa ) Just feel like, its a credit to myself.  Sedang mengamalkan gaya hidup sihat sekarang.  Kesedaran perlu ada selari dengan tindakan. Ibu selalu cakap : Its time for you to spare something for yourself . Moga Allah permudahkan usaha :D


( muka depan kamera konon flawless ) Oh its me bebeyh. OmeyyMey *miahah*
Lamanya tak letak muka sendiri. Haha. 


TAPI sebenarnya tak flawless langsunggg OKAYY. *cakap ikut ekspresi muka* 

Making myself prepared for my adulthood years. As a woman.
Kau Sembilan Belas ye tahun depan * role eyes*

Murninya niat di hati. Miaaaow miaaaow. Doakan saya >.<

Two Thousand Twelve.

We're meeting 2013 in six days time. Six? Like seriously 300 days over. Which I proudly says : I wasted half of the year jadi bachelor terhormat di rumah. Mengasah bakat sebagai seorang suri rumah. And another half, they treat me well. Even more than I expected. Alhamdulillah.

2012

I lost my dearest acik : May Allah bless your soul. Akak doing good here. 
I am no longer wearing uniform. High-school off.
I got more time to spend with my family after 5 years spending my time in Selandar. Balik ke pangkuan keluarga :)
I got to deal with emotion breakdown. Emotion distraction with my SPM result. 
I got to chase after my dreams. To become a lawyer. Started as a law student :)
I got to meet new friends. My surrounding become bigger. I deal with real life. 
I got to experience lots of things I never expect. Like getting JPA scholar , Alhamdulillah. Driving matter :S

I am more matured. * with some un-bearable emotions still like old days miahaha*  Than before. Making new day better than yesterday. I am. :)

Allah gantikan sesuatu dengan sesuatu. Allah hilangkan kesedihan dengan kegembiraan. He made my whole life organized for 18 years inhaling oxygen , spreading carbon dioxide for photosynthesis matter. Oh why in this world I am talking about processes T.T

I can say that 2012 turns me into a new me. Hardly admit I turn to good but in a way, I am. Certainly I am turning to the another way round. Balancing life. I realized that it's hard to actually live in a surrounding where you got to choose on your own, freely do anything you want, deciding what you wanna be. For now, I do feel : Live well or Live Hell. You choose. I choose. *nodded your head* 

Got to value the life lesson. Saying like no matter how you try. No matter how you eagerly wanted something. Everything happen dengan izin Allah. Kun Fayakun : Yassin akhirnya terkesan like so deep inside my heart. Rezeki is Rahsia Allah. I got to learn things like SPM is not everything but hell yeah its always something. People changed. Seeing Machinants growing up. Live well, anywhere sisters, brothers.

FAMILY. I always wanted to be a great daughter. A very good kakak for my adik adik. A helpful sister for my brother. I realized that I've loose many great moment like family bonding for five years. And now again I am away. But I am appreciating all those holidays I had, to give my very best. To give my best service. To touch-up the five years gone which I know, its impossible. Special dedicated to my siblings, you guys keep rocking anywhere we are. I just love you guys for accepting me as who I am :')

INTEC. A new place. With awesome people . Special dedicated to my law kids. *cam mak mak je gaya mu*, you guys rawkk :D I guess I babbled much on Cerita Semester 1 Intec. My sisters : Ainaa Mazelin. Ajlaa. Nurul Nasuha. We only got to know each other less than a year yet I feel so close to you guys. Maybe its true : Great people thinks alike . Great? We are :D. Can't wait for the second semester, but at the same time. Its scaraaayh to deal with Math *like again o.o Moga Allah permudah jalan tuntut ilmu. :)

I am glad to meet the people surrounds me everyday. Thankful. Bliss. Bless. I dont know how to show my deepest gratitude but what I can say is always Terima Kasih :)

I got no such things like a list that I wanted to do in 2012 maybe it is because, malas nak fikir, nak enjoy semedang. Habis SPM kottt.  But what I wish within the year to happen, alhamdulillah dengan izin Allah. Mission accomplished.

i'll make another entry just for pictures. *retiss ler tu* ahha

2013. I wish for a better me. In and Out. Ameeen. Allah bless. 

Senyum. Tak perlu kata apa apa. 

The secret of happiness : Allah's Good Pleasure.

Assalamualaikum. Breathing lively and alhamdulillah for the chances to get to live. 

Feel like sharing

Currently doing some reading on Harun Yahya's writing. Pleasure. May Allah bless him. Because he write not to gain any profit because , He is spreading da'wah. Worldly may seems to be non-profitable but hereafter Allahu Rabbi. Besar pahala dia dapat sebab sampaikan beribu ayat :)

So I go for the simplest reading because yeahh you know how bad I am in interpreting long long written english thingy. Got a sense of feeling where aku baru nak assimilate diri sendiri untuk jadi lebih baik. Baru nak deeply understand why I live as Muslim. Adakah hanya kerana takdir yang menentukan aku seorang Islam or fated to seek heaven in hereafter. Two statement which gives me a huge differences in valuing it.  Mungkin belum layak nak masuk list boleh dijadikan tauladan. Masih berada di sempadan. 

Lillahitaa'ala. 

Hidup Kerana Allah. Hidup Kerana Nak Cari Redha Allah. 

Bila Allah redha. Itu bahagia. 

Tapi orang kata  BAHAGIA punya definition subjective. Some people said that ada duit banyak gila : Itu Bahagia. Dapat result cemerlang : Itu bahagia. Ada family ada anak : Itu bahagia. Well certainly the list goes down and how I value Harun Yahya's writing is when he said. 

Lain sebenarnya dua orang yang berniaga. Satu berpaksikan keuntungan dunia. Satu mencari keredhaan Tuhan.``( translated )

Lain. Sangat lain. Bagi aku yang tak berniaga ni. Simplest way to understand this. Belajar kerana exam dan Belajar Kerana Allah. Niat dalam hati kena betul . I've read GenQ on how nak tetapkan hati ni belajar sebab Allah.

They stated there. Yang aku ingat. Sentiasa cakap yang aku nak belajar kerana Allah. Mean by zahirkan dengan ucapan. Ye dak? Macam konsep I Love You. You might say , dalam hati aku ni sayang dia sangat tapi mesti spouse kita ada masa tanya : * aicecehh spouse kaaauuu * Do You Love Me? Sebab aku rasa faktor dia tanya, is to believe yang kita ni betul betul sayang dia. Pengzahiran. Ahhhh imbuhan mana datang pengzahiran ni. 

Second. Sentiasa relate-kan apa yang kita belajar dengan kebesaran Allah ta'ala. Biology Physics Chemistry. Like math, kejadahnya nak relate? Eh nanti. Nanti. Allah kan telah jadikan manusia manusia yang buat formula math yang beribu riban dengan kepandaian otak yang luar biasaaaa. Like Log ( addmath ) Can you ever ever imagine how can a person making berkajang kajang nombor jadi Log sahaja. *ngeh ngeh pro-math*  Magnificent Allah :D

Niat dalam hati tu paling penting sebab hati ni betul tak betul dia yang guide kita pergi lalu jalan mana.



The clock ticks.

Wake up from a long dream. Questioning to myself : What I have done to myself as in preparing myself for hereafter matter.

The clocks keep ticking. Left me behind. Lost in a crystal clear world. Helpless. I am.

I live to be accepted by the society. To be pleased by the people surround me. And at the end, its only me. With nothing fills inside the heart. Rasa kosong. Sibuk sangat kejar dunia. Fact and it hurts me like so bad.

Sekarang. Action should be taken instead of just saying.

Ya Allah. Mudahkan jalan. Aku taknak lost. Aku nak kejar dua dua. I'm far astray. I know You know how I behave in real world. Its something that I keep to myself. Between you and me. Beri kesempatan. Mohon masih ada kesempatan.

I just want to change. Untuk jadi lebih baik. I've indicate the Baik for myself.

Kau pegang hati hati ini. Kau juga yang suluhkan cahaya dalam hati hati yang kau pegang. Aku mohon kekuatan. Dari dalam. Dari diri sendiri. Sebab aku tak mampu. Sebab aku mengaku aku tak kuat.

Aku nak hidup dalam redha. Aku nak mati dalam redha.

The clocks keep ticking. Wanted to be a new me.

KUAT NAJWA. KUAT.


Result Semester Satu Intec :)

Praising to Allah. Alhamdulillah :)

Tired of waiting. Heard lots of rumours regarding when the result would come out. After almost a month. More than a month I guess. Waiting . Cuak bagai . Ughhh memang mencabar kesabaran . 

The cut-off point for JPA yang qualify anda masuk list parents-lecturer meeting is below 12 . The full point is 15. Susah nak explain sebab almost all foundations nor diploma used pointers. 4.00 or something. But what to say? 

Just wanted to say Alhamdulillah. Thank You Allah. 

I know I need to keep the spirit up. Nak nak next semester Mathematics as A2 ( A2 is a full subject for A-level ). Parah untuk saya yang noob numbers ni. Uhuukkk uhukkk. 

Takpe Najwa. Jangan kata susah. Mindset awak kena betul tauuu >.< . Moga Allah permudah jalan untuk tuntut ilmu. 

Terima kasih yang tak terhingga pada yang mendoakan. Sebab saya tak mungkin berjaya tanpa doa doa kalian. Thanks to the lecturers though. Mohon dihalalkan ilmu kalian. Thanks to my parents sebab tak putus doa and beri semangat. To my friends either, for supporting and studying together.

3 Semester to go Najwaaaa. Fighting <3

PMR.

So I am called to write about PMR. They successfully haunted most of the 97's and teng teng teng result was announced. First thing to be done, whatever the numbers stated on the slip or even the SMS you get through KPM  is always bersyukur. Say Alhamdulillah Thank You Allah :) And somehow we could express it through sedekah ke. Sujud syukur ke. Puasa ke. Lots of things to be done to show the gratitude. Tak gitu?


For whom yang dah bernazar and your wish become true. Jangan lupa jalankan nazar anda :)

PMR. The dissapoinment. The appreciation. The effort. The everything which I considered the hardest exam I've faced when I was 15. And persetankan segala manusia yang kata : PMR itu senang. PMR itu kacang because SPM is rather tougher. But hell yeah. Kisah apa kan? At that particular moment. I mean masa lima belas tahun ye. Harap Maklum. Mesti korang pernah rasa kan, kakak abang ke senior ke cakap bunyi dengki tahap tinggi : " Alah PMR jeeeee " JE sounds extremely annoying. Sepak sekali kang?

My PMR memory : I considered as Not.That.Nice. Kecewa as in kecewa dengan penerimaan manusia sekeliling. .  Mahu kena pelangkung dengan senduk, dapat 8A pun nak menangis bagai nak rak. Kan? The school decision for not putting up a piece of wood in the hall , I considered as something pierced inside me really bad. Sampai sekarang aku tak lupa how acceptance of people regarding about batch. Adil ke we're judged by an academic matter itself. Just one matter. One I tell you. 20 straight A. Worst record. I know. Big dissapointment. Big shame to Selandar. I knew. I sense it through ayahanda face when he get our form his car. Vividly remember.

 PMR buat aku ingat baba. Our GPK Hem back then. He's the only one, meskipun masa tu dia dah jadi bekas cikgu. He appreciates us whenever everyone was like putting blame on us for having "THAT RESULT" for the PMR.

They took time to heal. By itself. I guess some teachers had the fear to teach us during our upper form days. Diagnostik pun teruk.

So today. As time passes by, grown up. I even passed my SPM. Leaving my high school years. Batch yang selalu kena mock itu ini itu ini, we leave the school with a pointer 1.78 for SPM. Best through the school records. Even with no straight A plasses. Not that much people getting straight A. Again with there's no piece of wood in the hall for our batch. Its okay. Machinants dah hantar 7 members dia ke oversea. 4 Mesir. 2 Jordan. 1 Russia. More to come insyaAllah :)

Now after 3 years passes. Hari ni dah masuk turn tengok result adik adik. I sense a little dissapointment from junior junior SBPI Selandar for not breaking records . Ke? EH? I get less information about that. My bad. But with 32 people getting straight A's. Well done juniors. Teachers. Its a great work I tell you. It is.

And I could also see seniors bragging themselves because they did well during their time. Even they don't write it clear, but I'm good in sensing and assuming. Takyah nak terasa sangat kan? I mention no names kot. I guess all seniors had the same passed-habitual . eh? haha. Dengki sesama batch. Like so not matured. I am . Once upon a time. ahaha :D

GUYS. cheered up. PMR is just a warm up. Sedih Kecewa Happy ke langit : tu semua nanti hilang. Kejap je rasa dia. Sumpah kejap. Tak berjaya PMR, bukan Allah kata, kau teruk PMR, SPM confirm lingkup. Ada ke? Ada ke? TAKDE okay. Ada hikmah result memasing tu. Kadangkala tak cemerlang sebab banyak sebab. I can't tell . You review it yourself. Yang cemerlang , teruskan legasi kecemerlangan anda. Jangan lalai sebab dulu Saya Dapat 9A. *yayyyy yayyyy terkinja macam kucing*  

Bila dah melangkah pergi ke arah SPM, your PMR achievement was just numbers. Numbers yang boleh tunjuk kat anak cucu korang,

  dulu Opah pandai 8A woooooo. * tak pulak bagitahu ambik 9 subject* haha. *bragging punya Opah*  PMR dah nak mansuh dah pun. Kang cucu cucu tanya, PMR tu mende opah? Erk.


bunyi aku cakap macam orang tua 99 tahun. I know. I know.

KEJAR KEJAYAAN DUNIA AKHIRAT. Jangan sibuk marathon dunia. Terlepas baton akhirat :) Terus seek ilmu. Kerana menuntut ilmu itu obligation. even the very very first wahyu pada Nabi Muhammad s.a.w : IQRAA'

The one who loosen the spirit of others. Go and live in Venus.

OH OH, its my 100 th post. A new blog. I considered it as new. Some days I do miss my old-blogs. But yeah. I've decided to turn over a new leaf :D Never ever looking back.

Happy 100th post dear blog. *tiup candle atas cake*

So do you know where I always gather my ideas to write? Frankly said, most of the time the answer would be Facebook Stories and updates. Or even some tweet. And social-networks relate. 

I hate those people who intend to loose someone's spirit neither hope. If you know your intention hurts, don't talk at the very first place.

By the way. Subjects taught is school is just more than Nak-Dapat-Flying-Colours-SPM. Seek for knowledge. Its an obligation , or even the first thing taught to Nabi Muhammad s.a.w which is IQRAA'-bacalah. 

Those criticism wouldn't result into a phase that I'd praise the person for doing so, but eventually it will turn into hatred. Like so deep . Yes I might wake up from those dreams because of the typical-bad-mouth people : To prove that they're wrong. I hate criticism. 

You throw tantrums. I introduce you hatred.

Tak salah nak tegur. Tapi tegur cara berpada. Tak salah nak bercakap. Tapi bercakap ikut tempat. Jangan ikut sedap mulut. 

YOU.GO.AND.LIVE.SOMEWHERE.IN.
VENUS. 
serious said.screw you.


aku malas nak layan orang macam kau.

Kiddos.

Melentur buluh biarlah dari rebungnya.

this is so cute :D

ps . I'm not a part of society yang sudah punya anak sendiri kecuali anak tekak. Cuma menulis berdasarkan apa yang dipandang. Value the words. 

I've been seeing these kinds of situation in parental hood these days. Is it just me or what?

Situasi : Parents telling their very infant children to cheat while playing " Tiup Belon Sampai Pecah " like pinch the balloon or even use your finger nails. Like Do anything : to get your victory.

At the end of the day, a very very simple situation like this akan melahirkan seorang manusia yang sanggup lakukan apa sahaja, ketepikan halal dan haram, yang penting : Kejayaan Depan Mata. A very indirect process of learning. Sebab dari kecik, masa masa sukaneka cenggini, parents dia ajar untuk menipu. Like seriously ini game Tiup Belon Sampai Pecah bukan Cubit Belon Sampai Pecah. How could you cheer you children with something bad like that. 

Simple analogy yet masuk list boleh dihadam dengan kepala. 

Situasi : Masukkan anak anak dalam pertandingan seperti Idola Kecil. Menari Terkinja Kinja di Astro Ceria. And cheered like hell. Promoting a life yang tak sihat untuk anak anak. I mean moreover for those Muslim parents. Alasan : Menengahkan bakat anak anak. Like seriously? o.o 

Parents sekalian, dulu tak khatam ke sylibus " Dosa anak-isteri yang tak menutup aurat dan sewaktu dengannya akan ditanggung sekali : masuk siap dalam buku di bahu kiri " . Mana pergi langkah Cegah.Tegur.Larang. Would you be labelled as  a typical retarded old-school parents kalau tak allow anak mengeluarkan bakat terendam atas stage untuk tatapan umum?  I said NO.

WHY YOU LET THEM TO ENTER SUCH WORTHLESS COMPETITION? 

Jangan pernah buka laluan yang akan membuatkan anak tu lebih liar. Its like : Masa umur 12 tahun you allow you daughter masuk Idola Kecil bagai, ianya tak mustahil waktu umur dia 21 tahun dia mohon nak masuk Mentor. Simple ideas. Yaaa iyaaa dulu bapak bagi masuk Idola kecil, mengapa tidak sekarang? masakan tidak boleh masuk Mentor * dialog anak *

Situasi : Parents belikan apaaaa sahaja yang anak dia nak, You Know What I Mean, as long as boleh reduce tahap menangis. Boleh jadi umpan untuk buat anak senyap.

As far as I could remember, kalau dedulu masa kecik, pergi pasar ( my dad told us this  *so bukan I-remember-sangatlah-kan* haha ) kitaorang adik beradik kalau jumpa tempat orang jual mainan, we'll stand in front of the stall and cakap " Nak tengok je *suara innocent bebudak* " and berlalu pergi meninggalkan memori yang hanya memandang permainan. Never ever my dad akan simply allow us to buy all those stuff. Sebab aku sendiri boleh kira apa je mainan yang aku ada termasuk patung yang mata tutup time dia baring, bukak time berdiri . But now seeing my kiddos yang cenoet cenoet semua, mintak apaaa je dapat, sorang satu laktuuu, they have no sense of sharing things despites terpaksa pakai baju warisan kakak abang. 

Like seriously kenkadang aku question dalam kepala, seeing my small cousins taknak share things like makanan dengan adik beradik sendiri. Hentak kaki nak sorang satu. WHY U NO SHARE KIDDOS? dalam masa yang sama sambil *patah karipap belah dua - scene zaman opahh opahh *

I don't if teknologi merupakan sesuatu yang menjadi keperluan kepada anak anak kecil zaman kini untuk membesar. Like letting your child to have an iPhone. A Tablet. A Note. They let them hold it 24 seven. Letting all those technologies mengajar anak anak. I know its hard to interpret situasi camni nak ikut fasa fasa aku membesar dulu. 

But then : Does it that necessary for you to leave everything to the talking-with-no-heart-iPhone6-7-8-9-10 or what?  

T.T
 Mengingatkan diri sendiri di masa hadapan. 

Parenting skill. A syllabus yang akan bentuk anak lalu jalan apa nanti here after. Jangan berpandukan  norma masyarakat. Pandukan dengan Al-Quran dan praktikkan Addin. Jangan malu anak suara katak tak reti nyanyi atau pitch terabur , malu kalau anak tak mampu nak recite Al-Quran Nul Karim. Yang tukang nak lentur rebung tu, mestilah kena betulkan diri sendiri dulu. Berubah walau payah.

Cuti Luar Rumah :)

Hey people outside there. I am waving hands. Yeeeeeay just got back from. From where? Pengkalan Balak. So I was like shouting inside my heart yesterday : Here I am in Pengkalan Balak *gaya Lisa Surihani*

At last, I am having a real holiday. I mean. Langkah kaki keluar rumah. Tidur sehari dalam suhu 16 degree. Pakkk angg sejukkkk T.T dengan breeze pantai lagi. Oh  Oh

Its merely like ayah-punya-persatuan-sukan-day because I hardly recognize people there. We might meet masa kekecik dulu but yeah my ingatan semua blew out. Fiuuuh fiuhhh bersama masa. I've told ya about the introvert thingy. Jyeaaaah i got some symptoms there macam tak nak mingle around dengan orang yang ada typical stupid mind set dengan pandangan sinis membunuh. Is it the reality treat me that way or aku punya mind yang dah harden lali dengan pandangan manusia ni. The answer should be half-half. Haruslah I menangkan diri sendiri. Its my blog what?

Everything went well I guess. Sikit shits happened but hell yeah life biasalah Upside Down. Kan? But sumpah aku tak puas hati, even its only the matter of potong que congkak. Still aku rasa nak jerit dengan manusia tu, " Weh aku dah tunggu kemain lama. I and my brother even susun buah tu banyak kali. Kau yang datang lambat, knowing nothing kau pakai tarik je papan congkak kitaorang and replace it with an empty one? Kuaaaaaaang ajaaaaaaaaaaaqqqqqq. , satu kau kurang ajar sebab datang lambat, orang lain lama tunggu sampai ngantuk ngantuk. Dua, kau buat muka tak bersalah. its simple, kau tak reti respect masa. Tak reti respect orang , Go and find your Pluto or what. Done "

After the thing happen. I sleep really well sambil fikir kenapa aku tak jerit ayat di atas ni. Haha. But bangun pagi, my mind refreshed. Ahhhh breezy day. Berenang and result in muka tambah skala gelap. Eissssh eishhhh.

K abaikan perempuan emo yang gila ni. I'll proceed to the pictures and short video * I no edit * la eh :)




puan ibu encik ayah.

le brother :) chalet pink yang comel.

I got my unknown-skill of  taking pictures. haha

Later in life, bila ada family sendiri, I mean my own family tree with encik un-known-to-be-husband, surely pantai pantai would be my very first choice for holiday :) Hawaii mungkin. haha

Breezy. Windy :)


So dimanakah tuan belog?

 Saya cuma tinggalkan tapak kaki memori disini . Haha poyo petala ke lapan belas.

Perempuan selipar pink skirt purple baju pink tudung kelabu. Fashion disaster. T.T

i am and Proud to be. hahahhahahaha * dua belas harakat*

Never loose hope. Its for whom who believe on miracles :)

Heyaaa. I've been scrolling down my blog. Erks. Haha. These days I've been using a veghhy veghhhy short tittle. Like who cares kan. So now I'm making the tittle even longer. Kejadahnya T.T

Having great time in the real world so I surely abandoned my social networks life. Which I believe the silence kills me every seconds the clock ticks. With some awkward laughter on dead social thingy. 9Gag ain't working for me. Kaitan? * tarik muka *

I accidentally read a blog regarding a person who live with HIV and I found that his posts were like so inspiring. But at the same time, every thing he post makes me reflect upon myself. If I feel like I'm having the biggest stress ever despite others, than I should think twice. Allah grant me a pink of health while others suffer. I salute him for his courage to give people education about HIV. How to change all negative perceptions.

Why do you think human perception might be a huge problem in life? Because we live in a society. Ada mata yang pandang. Ada telinga yang curi dengar. Ada jugak mulut yang berkata. Rumors spread. Resulting into discrimination. Simple question : If you're served a food from a HIV positive , would you eat? Majority says NO. Its a typical mindset yet somehow in a way, I would answer no too.

He makes me believe that Never Loose Hope. He can't be cured but to its the matter to keep living. He can't get married. Can't Get his own son. Dia nak pimpin tangan anak dia ke masjid. Tapi he knew that it won't happen. Ever. Tapi Allah kan dah tulis journey kita. What for regretting kan? Hikmah dia dapat HIV is, he started to be closer to Him. Mula bertatih ke masjid. Mula untuk merasa lebih dekat dengan Pencipta. See how a devastation news would turn someone to a miracle new person.

At the beginning stage of the HIV, He learn how to change but at the same time, its hard to deny yang susah nak tinggalkan zaman gelap. Sebab maksiat dah sebati dalam darah. You're doing Suruhan Allah and Larangan Allah secara selari and how would you expect yang Dia akan grant your wishes? Teruslah bermimpi hingga ke Zurah.




In one way , this miracle person making me realize. Just a thing that I need to keep to myself :')

Miracle bukan hanya berlaku dalam dunia Disney semata. Happy ending exist beneath everyone's name. Where? Here or Here After? You'll meet a happy wrap up.

So, for you who're reading this. Read the blog  :) ( click this )


Inspirasi.

Heyaaaa. Its a long time since I use tajuk-bahasa-melayu. Saya masih belum lupa daratan. Masih bernafas di Tanah Melayu. Glad I am Malaysian. Somehow. I am so that patriotic :) * I miss singing Negaraku T.T *

Talking about Inspirasi.

I have numbers of inspirations. Because each of them represent a part of my life. Inspiration that triggered me doing something when I feel that I'm not capable enough in doing that. Something that never leave me through hardship and good day. Something that inspired me to grab my dreams and make it into the reality. Something that giving me a clear vision about something when everything seems so blurry. Someone who believe in me, that I can do it.

For me, inspirations are important. Because from there I build my self-motivation.

You know, I can't even express how thankful I am to meet such a wonderful person through my days in life. Last night, I got a long distance phone call, its from my senior in London. Even by seeing the tweet location makes me feel like " Omaigaddd its london its london " . Thanks Abg Syafiq. In a way, you've solved the subject matter thingy. I'm am glad that I'm in the debate family. I got to know you and the seniors which most of them currently pursuing studies overseas. Now its me and aqmal's turn as the junior debaters : making A-level. To follow the steps. I wish you guys : Best Of Luck :)

My mom and my dad is one of my best inspiration. Because whenever I felt that something buggering inside my head and I feel like its hard to solve it or even express it into words, they'll eventually know how to solve it for me. When sometimes I don't need any solution, I just wanted to be heard, they'll be there. To be born in a very average family : to be a daughter to TWO wonderful human. It's a bless. Kan? They're the person whom I don't need to ask for prayers because there's always me inside their doa. Its nice kan to know someone mendoakan kita. Well somehow I always feel yang selama ni, kejaayaan demi kejayaan semuanya termakbul dari doa mereka. This is something beyond that I can measure. Thanks Allah.

Lots more people inspired my life. Like My Girlfriends. ( it's a long time since we had a very close moments meeting up , jaga diri ) , The person who exists Aikol <-- Ahmad Ibrahim Kuliah Of Law IIUM. He inspired me to be a great lawyer in future. There's his name inside my Mara essay back then. My Machinants. My siblings.

I say that : we don't need to pay to get a person to be inspired about.
Inspirations does not choose the person. You can even get inspirations from the trees. cats maybe. haha

 I wonder that does someone takes me as an inspiration? *lol bajet retis kemainn hah* * backhand sekali*

Yeahhh sep sikit :)

Mingle Around.

I have the skill of mine. Skill nak mingle around * imagine a sort of very mushy and geli things fangirling : eh? haha *

So I've done some sorts of personality test previous days because I feel like figuring out myself , feel lost maybe. Mungkin sekadar sesi Kenal-Diri. Feel like having an orientation mode : siapa nama awak-Awak suka apa- Awak orang yang macam mana and the list goes down . Muehehe.

 I am kind of terkezuut when three or four test I did , if you ever did it earlier, there's a part we call introvert and extrovert.

I'm an INTROVERT . 

Whattaaaa? * muka tikus * I never ever be an introvert while I'm in highschool mann. Never Evaaaaaa O.O It's like, pehal personality test jadi cenggini. Telah ku jawab soalan dengan teliti dan tawadhu' meskipun ada sekor dua hekor perkataan yang buat aku garu kepala .

Okay lemme tell yuu what is INTROVERT? * do I sound like cikgu kaunselor gitewww * *google-mode*



1. reserved person: a shy person who tends not to socialize much

2. somebody focusing on own self: somebody whose feelings and thoughts are directed inward



Me? Reserved? Not socialize Much? Lawak petala apa ni.

Then I started to wonder. Hormonal distraction ke eh. Since when I am an introvert. Since when. Then tadaaaa, after a few days figuring : Since Masuk INTEC. For serious. I started to analyze. Yes, I've become a very very reserved person. I've lessen my socialize skill.

Mana taknya.

1.Setiap hari datang kelas like veghhy veghhy early at 6.30 am . Faktor : Tak boleh nampak ramai orang beratur when the clock strikes 7.00 am . Alone. With the headphones. 

2. I went  to class alone. Nak dekat akhir semester, I got Chuaa to teman me :) <-- glad faces . Bukak laptop. Masuk waktu rehat , I even choose what time to come down. I would go down around 10.30 macam tu . Faktor : Tak nak beratur and tak nak tengok orang. Like again? I'd pack my food and eat upstairs in the class. Memang sangat jarang ye nak pujuk diri sendiri  nak duduk cafe. 

3. When its time to go back, I'll just go back. Ignoring persekitaran. Exclude my law mates.

And if you ask me, kenal tak budak course lain? I can list it down for you. If ada, it would be my housemate or club mates ( tak ada sebab I don't even bother to enter one ) and if ever I remember, it would be their faces and rarely their names. My bad.

All these things matters to me. I am changing. Like 100%. I am no longer me in high school. Like a stranger to myself. I never realize this. So could I blame social networks for this? I could say YES, because I've been to talking and expressing to a dead things with no souls and heart to value like Twitter? Or even this Blog? Or even what? Friendster? * ehh tetiba* haha , I realize I've been to attached to this whole interaksi-alam-maya.

My aim now is not achieving to be an Extrovert again. But to be less introvert. I'd like to mingle around. Mix with people. Gather fresh ideas. Broadening my friendlist in a real world. See?  I couldn't have any satisfaction for having thousands friends in the facebook or gathering hundreds of followers in twitter.  And because I know that :  they will make me, more introvert. More reserved. Anti-socialize. Boo.

Pray for me.

ps. I miss talking in public like so much. I miss my debate team. I miss my social skills stuff. I miss the critical-thinking moment.  Erghhh.

Who ever read this and they meet me in reality. Mari kita bertegur sapa. Haha. I don't bite.

Healed.

Its just another day.

I told myself that I get drowned into emotion stuff like so fast.
I is sad because the reality says so. I partially hate my negative-sided .

FIX ME. * feel like singing Bob The Builder *

Senyum. Everything gonna be OK. It was me who jumped into a fast conclusion. And it actually ME who trying to hurt myself. Not others. Finger pointing to a person, four fingers point to you yourself. Stop blaming.

Not everyone live to live in the same boat as you. They hardly understand.

Sebab , untuk terpijak kaca di tengah jalan adalah benda yang mungkin berlaku . It will cause pains . No matter who create the pains, it happened in a journey call LIFE. Now it's the time for you to choose whether to " STOP & CRY " or " HEAL IT FAST & HEADING UP ".

I was like saying this phrase for times.

Noted. Read. Consumed.

Reasons.


Buggering inside my head. Read a sentences. Heart pierced like so deep. Deep. Bleed. 
Show me the reason why I meet the-one-who-shouldn't-be-named-here. 

Be frank with me. Because I hate liars. I hate myself either, because I am lying to myself all this while. 


Just wanted to ask. Why? 



YOU
HURT ME
LIKE SO BAD.
LIKE YOU NEVER IMAGINE. 

jauh hati.

Those days.

I wonder how it feels like being drift apart from the school years after  5 to 6 years in time. I haven't reached a year leaving uniforms  ( nearly to  ) but the heart ache saying I miss those days. Like so bad. There were people said, I'm too attached to "masa lalu" and am I so wrong to feel so?

i kept almost all tags I used to use those days. The reason why I keep that Trophy Ice-Cream thingy is because, I bought it at Times Square in year 2009 it cost me about o.o * eyes rolled*

\
one of the valuable things I kept. Outing cards. Like seriously? valuable ==' haha ignore .

I've been doing random reading through google. Blogs. Some sort of reading that might drive me back into that lane. The "Those Days" moment. One thing for sure, through my five years in high school nor in primary, I rarely capture pictures.   But I kept almost all stuff that people might consider as sampah as a memorable things in my wardrobe. Times to times, kalau rajin kemas, usha usha balik kad kad lama , all those craps I wrote. I miss that time. Big time.

Those days I entered debate. I don't know from where I got those courage. Starting from zero and now I was actually glad I'm in that team. Most of certificates , thanks to debate. Thanks to Selandar too. I guess the main reason why I stayed strong there because it's hard to find a new member. I mean the one who stay. That devoted their heart and souls towards this verbal war. I don't know if the language is something matters most.

Those days I was the school prefect. Yes, I might not be someone who chosen to be one, I volunteered myself to be one. I cried when my name was not announced that night : the night that the senior prefects calling up names . My name wasn't there.  I asked for it. I don't know how many people knew this. But yeah I am glad I asked for it. I knew people says bad stuff behind me on that moment. To be at the bench of Majlis Tertinggi 10/11 was something I never imagine. Its about people trust on our capability to lead. Thanks for relying those trust on us dear teachers.

Those days I grew up. From a girl who had her most terrible year during junior days. I cried like a lot. I never knew I would stand till the end. Graduated from that school which now stores most of my good days. I merely forget about my junior years ( sad moment OFF ).  Dealing with all those feelings. Love Hate Alone Stranded Friendship Friendzone Happy . Lots of things I've encountered and sengih sengih bila fikir balik : I am capable to deal with those days. Nice brains. Bravo Najwa. Haha. ------>


Those days I treasured friends. Friends in need. Friends that only need when certain situation occurs. Friend who talk behind you but they fake  themselves whenever you're around. At the end, you feel so glad that you meet those people those days. Ache by the name of friendship could be something normal because nobody is perfect. Ache. Learn. Live. Life goes around huh? Still seeking what is the meaning of friends. Its too wide yet precisely seek what is the best thing to illustrate what friend is all about.

Those days that make who I am today. Glad. Alhamdulillah.

Thanks to Him, HE'S my everything :')



I'm in a mood to love and to be love.

Is it wrong to feel jealous about something that seems worthless to be jealous with? 
Like being jealous to teenage-love. Jealous pada sesuatu yang haram dan sesuatu yang tak pasti. Because their relationship isn't a sure to meet their end-happily-ever-after-to-jannah. 
Entah bila boleh jumpa long lost mate. The owner of tulang rusuk. But if I were the one who to decide when I should meet him, I shall say NO for now. Because I am ain't ready physically nor mentally. I really wanted to meet you. Like so bad. But I'm sorry, I won't let you see me now. For the time being, let Allah fares a better fate :')

I am scared I might turned into everything I said I'd never be, 
macam berjanji untuk tak jatuh lagi dalam false-love alarm. But in future, how it undertakes. Mohon agar diri sendiri tak makan janji sendiri. 

I was talking to my mum past few days. Talking about dreams. About future. Ibu kata, nanti insyaAllah bila sampai sana * she means oversea in two years time ( ameeeen ) * jangan berubah jadi orang lain. Jangan pernah lupa asal usul diri. Bila jauh, jangan buat benda yang anis tak pernah buat bila ibu ayah depan mata. :") I said I won't and I hope that I'd still say I WON'T and NEVER in five to six years time. 

Thanks to Him. Now I am 18. I spend my days ignoring you, and my nights disobeying you. But still, you never forget me; not even for a second. Oh Allah, change me. I know I am not good. I've gone astray for times , I'm even scared that I would never get back into the track. 

Bring me back. To the track. And keep me in that siratul mustaqim. I know You'd never leave me. Sesungguhnya aku merasakan kepayahan nak berubah. Tapi berubahlah walaupun payah. I know that. I acknowledge it.

Kuatkan hati ini. Make the determination stronger. I know You know me that deep. Not a single thing that I can hide from You. You know what I want. Its hard for me to express in words. 

Guide Me. Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim :") 

Wahai Wanita :)

These days seems to be : Wordless days. Well, this is just a simple thoughts. For you girls outside there :)


value. 

Let past be past.

Orang kata , jangan hidup dalam kenangan. Don't live your life in past. it hurts? really?

YES IF you're be expecting the same things to be happening once again. Or even expecting a person to be whom s/he used to be before. Yes, as time passes by pictures remains the same but the people inside it change.

Why dont you just let past to be past? Memories remains as it is.

I once believe, expectations hurts. Hurts whenever you really want it but unfortunately, it won't happen. Is it considered unfortunate? I guess it would be nice if its considered as its not the the best to be granted to be reality. K terasa macam berbelit ayat ni.

I am lawyer. I'm good in words. Eh? Brag. Boo. Kaitan?

Learn to live in present. Which everyday is a gift. Try to tolerate and interact more to the society. Make more friends. You'll be facing many moments in life seeing people change and you're sad because only you remains the same? Huh? I said NO, because other people could say, You Also Change. See? We rarely look into ourselves. Orang kata apa, cakap orang je pandai, dia pun sama dua kali lima. Aite?

How you would expect a person to live the same. They got new life they faced. They also need to suit to their so called new life. Expectation on people behaviour would be a waste, I guess. Moreover on teenagers. Masing masing dah keras macam buluh, mana boleh nak lentur macam rebung kan? Oh sila angguk kepala.

Me myself found out that I hardly accept a new life. But no harm kan kalau mencuba?

Sebab takmungkin masa akan berlalu ke belakang. Keep walking.

Memories don't die. But some people die in their previous world. Reborn with different attitude in different world. They're not whom they used to be. 




Copy. Paste. Update.

Assalamualaikum semua, keep praying for Gaza :)

Its kinda trend nowadays people updating status. In a form of da'wah. Love and motivation. Copy. Paste. Update. And I wonder how it benefit both parties? Maksudnya does it meresap ke dalam hati, orang ambil iktibar despite you're gathering likes or retweets maybe. Because I knew the percentage of social network users were the teenagers. And I am in this phase. Teenage phase. Phase yang susah nak dengar nasihat. Tak bother nak baca something if mukadimah dia tidak berapa nak menarik hati and truthfully I rarely read those status which are copied. Pasted and Updated. And I wonder how many people feels the same.

  I believe that when you talk from your heart. The another hearts feels the sincerity while you're saying. I knew there's a hadis said : Sampaikan ilmu walaupun sepotong ayat. Yes, by sharing your copied status could be menyampaikan. Tetapi penyampaian hanya secara zahir, naluri? I love the environment where people starts to share some worth it status. Which consist of something to learn :)

  Its not wrong. But you should read first what you're going to post. To make sure kesahihan sesuatu yang disampaikan. Jangan sampai apa yang dikongsi menjadi fitnah pada diri sendiri. Like spelling InsyaAllah. After the rumours spread, Dr Zakir Naik stated that it wasn't him saying that. Sebab macam mana pun kita ejaa, tetap ejaannya salah sebab dia bukan dalam bahasa Arab. Sebab ejaan asal InsyaAllah ialah dalam bahasa Arab sendiri. Wise saying.

 Share it with your heart. I know you know how to do it. Cuba bayangkan you want someone who talk to you and how you want that person  use  the closest method , supaya kita sendiri tak rebel , supaya kita sendiri dapat terima dengan hati yang terbuka. Kita sendiri takde selera nak dengar kalau orang start cakap je dah membingitkan diri sendiri. Lain rasa dia bila ada orang nak cakap dengan kita, mukadimah dia cakap baik baik, berdiplomasi and I know everyone wants the same. Kan. Ke memang suka hidup kena tengking?



Moga apa yang disampaikan datang dari hati. Agar dapat kita sentuh hati yang lagi satu :)
Teruskan berkongsi ilmu kerana itu kewajipan sesama manusia :)

Violent. Part Two.

   Part One

    It finally ended . Though I wish it ended differently. One day , my father went back from the pub and the whole household knew how the routine was. Thanks to Ben, I was eight by now.  I couldn't live without those drugs . They seemed to make everything easier to cope with. It was normal for me even though it was painful. Ben hid me under the bed when my father was searching for me. High and low , he knew where I was but Ben wouldn't let him in.

    I stayed there, under the bed , curled up like a ball. It wasn't loud like usual . It was quiet. I could see three pair to of legs which belong to those who thought that I'm sort of toy.

    Tonight, instead of arguing, it was laughter. Something was wrong. I heard punches, screams and laughter. I closed both my eyes and ears. " God, take my life away now " I kept repeating the same thing again and again. I heard Ben. His voice. I believe that everything would be normal again. I will end up to see Ben . He would give me his hands , bringing me out from there, dress me and fed me up. Like usual.

     That morning, the light woke me up. There was blood all over my body through my hair and clothes. I looked up , the blue mattress turns red. I crawled out not knowing what to expect.

   " Ben..."

     The only person in my life , who care so much about me more than my parents did , was lying there. I wasn't even going to believe that it was him. Until I saw his feet which were the only part of him that looked normal. He nearly didn't have a face. With all the blood all over me, I hug him. Tightly. I was breathless. I was devastated.

     I was there at the cemetery. Seeing Ben for the last time. He just don't deserve that. I sit beside his grave every single moment. Talking to him like usual days. Until my mom come back a week Ben's dead. I'm missing around 3 months of my life. Hardly believe that there're no more Ben. No more hugs. No more love. " Ben. I miss you "

      Years by years, I went from house to house. From counselor to counselor . I've tried to commit suicide twice. At 11, I'm getting better and ready for school. Until now, I still had the nightmares . My grey past years.

      It's hard to describe the things I've been going through before. I miss Ben. If it wasn't for me he would be alive , but there's so many ways to look upon it . If he hadn't die, I may have still be there. With the violence . He released me.

Thanks to him , I am here now. I'm not ashamed of who I am , just where I come from.

 

Violent. Part One.

      My name is Ale. I am 19 turning to 20 in few months. Some way I'm grateful for everyday that I get to live. In other ways , I wish that it was different. Ever since I can remember , I have lived in a violent home. Violent in so many ways , from drugs to alcohol , to sex and murder. I try not to remember those days because I'm scared of what I might see. I wish that the phase of my infant life would dissapear from my memories.

      My brother , Ben. This year he supposed to turn 25. He had blond hair, green calming eyes , tall and both of his hands gave the best hugs and protections for me. I have two elder brother, Rome and Logan. I don't have any fondest memories with them. My mum left me when I was two, but sometimes she would come home when she felt the need. More likely when she ran out of money. It was my father that looked after us most of the time. Unfortunately he was into hard drugs ad anything else you could imagine. He's a hot tempered guy like Rome and Logan.

     Ben was different. Different in every way. He wanted to go to school and be better . He wanted me to do the same but with looking after me and protecting me from all type of abuses that was going, his grades dropped.

     Lots of things seems to be blurry to me as I would be fed with heroin like a candy since I was baby to keep me quiet. So no one would heard me scream. No one would heard me cry. Nobody would notice my absence in school days as my father would tell them packs of lies, things like my mum has cancer.


     As Ben got expelled from high school , things steadily worsened . The beatings seems to get harder when I was around six. Maybe it's because I was older on that time. I noticed what was happening to me. Ben would get up early before anybody else so I could take some lunch to school.

      The weekend of my 7th birthday , Ben gave me a doll. My two other brothers took that doll as soon as I  got it. Devil take the hindmost. They pulled of the doll's head and sprayed the rest of its body red. I started to cry and the put me on the tramp.  They started to jump on me. By the time they had enough, I couldn't walk. Ben carried me off the tramp. I then got pumped full of drugs by my own father. I know he barely stand the sound of me crying all night.

     Once I woke up, my mother was there. I felt a sense of relief when she was there. I know nobody would dare to do any violent to me, If they did, she would take me along with her and they had nothing to play with.  She stayed there for almost a month, where I've build  up dreams that I'll get my perfect family back like old days. One day, I was calling for my mom and I realized that she's gone. She left the house. Again. Few days before , I asked her whether would she stay and care about me, she nodded her head. Now I know , I should never ask questions or what I'm going to hear would always be lies.

     As the abuse worsened, I stopped talking. I would rather talk to my head. I had my own imaginary friend . I was hardly survive at school. The violence started as being beaten up, ended being tortured, raped and choked. People began to notice something wasn't right happening but tell me what could they do? I used to tell them lies and to this very day, I still do.
   
 
To be continued.

In progress.

I guess picture portrayed best , when words doesn't seems to help.


this is what. I am. Now.

Addmath Itu Complicated?

Yeah the formula tells me the whole idea of Addmath : fikiran zaman zaman millenium 2010. Being mocked by voices Addmath Susah Addmath Freaking Addmath Erghhhhh. So resulting into a retarded mind of me who repel on addmath positive charges.

Ye Budak Budak * konon ada yang baca. Haha who cares.* yang bakal ambik addmath masa form four. Ataupun sedang mengalami masalah dengan addmath, sila jangan hubungi saya. I cant solve your problem. Hahah * guling guling* What I love to say is : Addmath don't bite people. :p

Gheeesh why in this world I had that typical mind set at the first place * tears streamed down - insert Kiss The Rain by Yiruma lulz* Because I can have it at the second place. Uuuuuu lame jokes . Eyes in the air. Blergh. 

Oh I got B+ for Addmath. I  mean SPM. Not bad. For me : Major Failure Dealing With Number. Sobs.

Hari ni terasa nak tulis post kat center. Kaitan? I give you no reason. 

I was actually in a state of mind thinking that I'm taking math for the next semester. Why in this world it should be MATH. See typical harden mind. Freakin' out. I thought once I took up A-level taking psychology as an added subject with no MATH would be a heaven * flying in the air , dancing around* But yeah suddenly I fell on the ground. After flying and dancing happily in the air. An air-bus crash me . Airbus? Seriously? 

Math classes.
I had this type of disorders. Yeahh pretty I am a loner. At this time being. Boo me reading 9Gag. Haha

As stated : We MUST take MATH as its an order from JPA.Ottoke? ( mood kogheaaa )
Because out of 50 top universities in UK , only 47 will take you if you have no MATH, So JPA wanted you to have chances to apply to all of them. Whattt? Like seriously its 47/50 maaaaaan. * tarik rambut tak paham* Saya yang menurut perintah 0.0

Well actually when I was in Form 5. After an effective holidays : I went for addmath personal tuition. Harus faham yang aku ni sangat sangat slow dalam addmath. So I crawl like a snail. Do snail crawl? Eh? Abaikan. Addmath wasn't that freakin hard. Masih boleh menelan saliva saliva masuk ke dalam kerongkong. Usus masih boleh mencernakan makanan and the biological process lists goes down.(  I miss biology. Ughh Big Time. )

Logarithm give me a sense of Walllaaaaa when I can solve it after a blurr year of RIP'ing +Math.
I cant really remember but there's a part in addmath where I excel in it. Ergh makin pudar nampaknya neuron dalam kepala perihal Addmath. 

But yeahh. Actually I've been promising myself. That I'll always say I CAN for Math. What I need is always a new start like a baby. Mushhhy musssshy. Be positive. Be optimistic. Lighten up enough? No? Oh Ya? Confidence is my middle name. Grrr . Haha. After 3 weeks of holidaaaay I still ain't connecting myself with all those A-level books yang tersusun rapi. Mana pergi janjimu? Weheeee.  

A month to go. And please don't waste it. 

But still I am not good in NUMBERS . Gimme me lots of WORDS, I'll interpret it well. Miahaha.

STILL, I am hoping that , that that that my mind works on it.

image
* hoping faces *

Berjimba with le brothers.

Tadi pergi berjimba dengan encik encik adik yang tiga orang. Well untuk ditawarkan pergi menonton wayang adalah sangat peliks bagi aku. Well my mom rarely offered us such idea. Thanks to ibu for letting us to go :)

So its a sudden plan. So yeahh MBO Melaka Mall would be my choice. Wahaaa :3 sebab #OneThingThatIHate is crowd. Melaka Mall is a place that offers me calmness and less crowd. Walaaaa wujud lagi sebenarnya tempat aman sentosa cenggini. I wish to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2,  ( seiiring dengan umur saya yang lapan belas ni muehehe ) tapi memandangkan ada  adik adik yang tak lepas tengok P18 P13 ni T.T , terpaksa aku turunkan liabiliti 18 aku kepada tahap umur 10 dengan memilih Rise Of The Guardian. Istanbul Aku Datang macam menarik tapi itu semua boleh tengok kat CeritaMaster ( aii aii sifu ) haha.

Tiket 2.15, we're there by 1.45 so before 2.15 we played games. Wohoooo as far as I could remember, its a long time since I had a play time like that. Gooof.

Movie review : Jack Frost is so handsome omnomnomnom :3 , To rate Rise Of The Guardian : as I love cartoons and I would rate it 9/10 :) It's something worth to watch daripada that eiuwwww gross Aku Terima Nikahnya. Well dont blame me if I hate it : bukan tak sokong filem tempatan tapi erghhhhhh.

Meh laaa ai give some pictures and videos :s



brothers :$



VIDEOS :)

terasa nak main basket ball. I score very well :)

in the cinema. Aku epic fail sikit buat video bagai ni :3

Shhhh. Tell no one, its our secret.

Have you ever been in this situation. Where someone rely on you to keep something as secret. But eventually you against your own word by telling the secrets to the third person : " Weh jangan bagitahu orang lain, aku bagitahu kau sorang je ni,  dia tak kasi aku bagitahu kau sebenarnya. " And fake people to the end.

Well you should know that : Once you did that , rumours spreading. The third person might tell the secret to the fourth person and the list goes down. Cerita asal bakal ditambah perisa. Implication might lead to prejudice and discrimination.

I know that most of human did this. Intentions : Not so clear. Even me myself did this before , I mean for times . I am a human, I've so much flaws inside me I admit it . You say NO huh, deniable shows the truth that lies on your name.

Human can't be trusted. Agree?

Once I've tell myself. Trust no one. 100%. Because human is unreliable for secrets. There're stuff that we need to keep to ourselves. Tell no one, its your secret. Thats why I tend to speak to the trees or even clouds. Bunyi cam orang gila? Well I'd say aku gila kalau aku cerita semua rahsia pada manusia. As the term : OUR doesn't fix to two person. Our can be a group of person, a society maybe. So once your secret is our secret, its not a secret anymore.

Like people updating status : Tiada siapa yang tahu apa perasaan aku saat ini . Biarlah rahsia  ( disertakan bersama hashtag ) #sedih #pilu #kecewa #heartbreak ( disertakan sekali emoticon sedih ) :'( <----- well you just let the whole world to know your feeling. Puih.

O.O

Sometimes ada jugak manusia yang pelik. Its like

A : Weh aku bagitahu kau sorang je ni. Jangan bagitahu orang lain.
B : Ye ye ye. Cerita laaaa ( muka kambing )

A : Wehh aku bagitahu kau sorang je ni. Aku tak bagitahu orang lain.
C : Trust me. Aku takkan bagitahu orang lain.

When B met C.

B : Wehh aku bagitahu kau ni , kau jangan bagitahu orang lain tau.A blaaa blaaa blaaaa.
C : Ehh camne kau tahuu? Dia kata dia bagi tahu aku sorang je. 

[ Awkward moment]



So never rely on human when its a secret. Lagipun when you say it : A Secret. Secret bukan ke sesuatu yang kita simpan. Kalau dah ditunjuk dan dicerita. Bukan lagi rahsia namanya .

So please, shhhhh tell no one, its our secret *devil laugh*

I miss you. Maybe.

You dissapeared.  Well its hard to admit but I miss you. Hardly fall into this mushy mushy dovey thingy. But yeah. I miss you.

You shouldn't know who are you. But almost everyday I stalk you. Purposely. Please show some sign that you're doing good.

You. I wish you a happy life.

ps. New Look. Old blog. I need a fresh start :)

Cerita Cuti Aku I

K tajuk nak gaya gaya Kak Fatin Liyana giteww :) Long live SBPI Selandar. * tetiba * haha :)

Cuti dah 3 minggu berlalu dan baru hari ni terfikir nak tulis sesuatu perihal Cuti Saya. K macam buat karangan darjah 2. So everyday is almost the same . Excluding for driving license , insyaAllah Selasa depan lesen L insyaAllah ada dalam tangan. * neuron kepala excited * Berbekalkan kamera 2.0 mega pixel Nokia C3 yang tercinta saat orang lain boleh mendabik dada dengan SI, SII, SIII mereka, saya setia bersama Nokia . Haha who cares. Too much of those stuff may ruin my surrounding. I mean yeahh, people tend to talk to their gadjet more than they talked to human. Serious said. Awkward faces. =='

I am lazy to write . Lemme tell youhh through le pictures and the videos.? Oghait. Bajet berjota viewers letuwww najwa oi.

Sesi kejar angsa :p . Angsa accident di tengah jalan , tapi watlek watpis je dia.


Angsa ni nama dia Awang, dia sangat suka merayau pergi rumah sebelah. So nak taknak kena berusaha kejar hantar dia balik rumah :P Sumpahh woo penat tak terkata. Abaikan sound effect yang macam hape. Hur hur

The boys and the ball :p le cousins kecik. 


Nadzmi turun cari bola, k sempat posing bang :)

yeah aku dah bola * suara Avengers Lapar * Yeayy Kita Menang - erkk T.T

Saya jejaka paling kacak di kampung. 

You know its hard to snap a picture of this cat. 

Main sorok sorok bawah pokok =='

Oh dah jumpaaaaa ke? o.o

K budak sorang ni dah macam anak orang asli main tempurung segala atas kepala :p



Gambar sendiri rasa macam dah lama tak menyemak lulz.


home sweet home :D