this side of me

20 days before going back thoughts. Ceh

August 28, 2016

so my mum had constantly been asking about whether I already have a steady one when I'm not even thinking about having one . Caught smiling over whatssap conversation ( when its all either my housemates being hilarious or my GE'EF was doing some hambar jokes or some random groups playing teka teki ) . Well the pressure of getting older moreover she got married at the age of 21 , ( looks like she is passing the baton and I am just way toooooooo far behind ) and for some reasons , I don't exactly think I care. Ngeh. The idea of feminism is already invading my head that woman can empower everything on her own. Don't get the idea wrong but I just don't think about any man-woman relationship , comfortable enough i-ship'ing k-drama couple at the moment. 

its about the angle hahaha an awkward potato speaking. I shall upgrade myself to curly fries A&W 
#Loveyourself they said. 

And I wonder what exactly I'm thinking during my school days where I can non-stop talking and thinking about jodoh motion . Curse you hormones ! If I had drawn the line earlier , I'll perhaps score more A's ey? Hahahah but no line were drawn , I was just too young , too dumb , to realise.

Its already 28/08 , another 19 / 20 days before departing back ( for the last time ) to the UK , I thought of migrating but it is still inside rough kind of planning , haven't really give a serious thought about that. Escaping heh? sort of. 

Nevertheless , I should have start buying stuff to bring back to the UK . 

Down The Lane

22/8 - Reminiscing the memories in INTEC.

August 23, 2016

I think one of the thing that I've been thinking for the past few weeks is about the missing heart in every writing . Maybe I was contemplating over the matter I'm writing for like thousand time , and I loose the rhythm in writing , hence writing the matter will serve the purpose of storing rather than reflecting. 

I even think about writing on 'Rindu on courtesy basis' but that sounds mushy and I don't think I can write on that.💁

But yesterday , I went to Intec , to pay the lecturers , the staffs , the pakcik pakcik bas , the makcik kafe and perhaps the cats ( everyone who possibly still there and still remembered the easily recognised creature ) , many things changed esp the colours of the building , the new facilities but the people I mentioned above , remains the same , remains warm. Though there may be lots of changes after two years , they were still the warm people I used to know in the past. 

Walking across the buildings tickled my heart. And I realised , being there in INTEC , is about being attached emotionally. 

Days in Intec were full of hopes and dreams. 

Being chose to enrolled A-levels was perhaps one of the best thing could ever happened in my life. Its where I discovered the academic side of me , which I hardly see during my school days. Aku tak rasa masa sekolah aku betul betul memaknai akademik , to the point , I don't really know why I'm studying aside from I need to get straight A's and repay everything I owed my parents. Dan aku rasa ramai je living in the same boat , alhamdulillah I fix my boat during A-level days. Masatu , little that I know yang I'm not qualified for the position and given such opportunity , I know that I can't take things for granted. Its like you're given a second chance , and knowing its a once in a lifetime chance , I took that challenge. 

Tapi masatu pun tak buat banyak research pun what A-levels is all about , its more like gamble ( or sebenarnya memang nampak oh nak fly overseas ) , I was glad I don't know much at that time , because if I know more ( like the risk and stuff ) I might ponder a lot and stick with my dream to be an IIUM Law graduate. 

I must say that the first semester was pretty amazing , simply because Math is not inside the lists of subject. I studied Economics, Law , English and half subject Psychology with ease. Psychology wasn't making sense at first and I saw myself yang develop the same kind of judgement I had for Add Math. So I fake things first , I develop some questions and started to respond to the lecturer's questions ( even though I was clueless ) , and that's where Psychology starts to make sense to me. I enjoyed the other three subjects and scored for the first semester. Things started to be a little bit shaky when there's Mathematics in the second semester. I tried so many things but Math wasn't my forte. Statistic was even worse than ever. I can't tolerate probability. Its just so hard and my points dropped. Still passing paras hidung , I got 12/15 points that semester. It was demotivating wehhhhhhhh sebab I tried everything but still . The third semester , I decided to try harder for math since I'm left with no choice but alhamdulillah somebody stood before me , to drop Math because he can't do math during the meet with HEA. It was in Statistic class when I received my semester 2 paper ,  I asked permission for the lecturer to leave the class , to meet the program coordinator , I want to drop math as well. I can't live in the class where Statistic is making its sense for everyone but not me. 

Oh it was in the second semester too , due to the existence of Math , they need to reshuffle the choice for subjects too , I took History instead of Psychology. History was fun guys I swear ! No pun intended okay. 

And the third and fourth semester was a smooth sailing one for me , except for some drama during my last semester. I lessen the hang out , didn't even go to Mid Valley during my last semester , when you at least went there once in a while each semester. Fourth semester , I've been travelling back and forth , Melaka Shah Alam , esp during the exam gaps. 

Not even once you'll be really convinced yang you'll fly across the sea , even though you pass four big exams ( 1st , 2nd , 3rd , trial ) , so getting good marks for each semester akan bagi kebahagiaan yang tidak hakiki. Until the end , bila ada one of my result pending , dunia kelihatan gelap , its like you're one step further but due to some mistakes , your result is pending. Masatu memang rasa macam my two years , just what happened to my two years. Its very hard to tell yourself that it wasn't your fault since you've gave you very best. At that time , according to the result online ( they showed us the marks as well ) , based on prediction I already got like a C , which means I'm passing with 12/15 , so if the courseworks included , it will either be an A so the points will be 14/15 or a B so the points will be 13/15 . But its not working that way. Still need to wait for the official marks , its a tough week with chaos , time difference some more , and alhamdulillah it turns out good alhamdulillah , I got a B. 

I got the chance to spend quite some time with my lecturers. Lama sikit sembang dengan Madam Nadhirah , my law lecturer. I remembered how clueless I was during trials , I don't have the skills to answer my law paper and I got a C for law , when I'm majoring in law lels masa trial. so post trial sampai real exam , aku rasa aku sangat sangat fokus pada law , went to all classes she offered , went to meet her personally to ask numbers of questions , and passing with an A for law for my external paper , I can't never thanked her enough for the efforts she puts in to help us :') 

Writing these down is like writing back the same thing I wrote in the past hur hur. 

But in case you're looking for INTEC online , I must say my experience there was one of the memories I treasured. The lecturers are tremendously good , I met my lecturers yesterday and how time flies , I'm finishing my degree next year. The environment was conducive , but still it requires you restrain yourself from hanging out too much , well hanging out is not the problem , but hanging out and if it affects your academics , then its a problem.   Because Alevels is all about academics , 100% exam based. Now the system is much more organized , they changed to Cambridge system recently , no longer the standing alone Edexcel haha. They even have AS system now ( maksudnya when you're in your second semester , your paper will be externally marked so you'll have a glimpse on how your final semester paper will be marked ) . The class are really nice , you can stay like all day there with the aircond and fan weh seronoknya  , but you still need to go back to the college. 

Its in INTEC you will learn some little courtesy like saying thanks each time you're going down from the bus , which you perhaps jarang buat in the past. Its where you help to hold any strangers books yang kena berdiri dalam bas. Spent some time mingling with all the pakcik bas , INTEC punya pakcik bas ada skill luar biasa masuk ke dalam lorong lorong kecil di Akasia hahahahha . 

I took some time to go to Section 18 , where the collage is sebab nak pergi Ole-Ole nak makan Pakli hahahha motif sangat , and I went there with my drama partner Aqila , hahaha thank you for being patience for the whole day , and everything taste the same , I ordered the signature Nasi Ayam Lemon with cili potong weh sedap , masih sedap forever sedap ( nangis lagu M. Nasir haha ) 

And now , going to the third year , marks the two years I left Intec for good. INTEC is where I get to experience that people could be so warm , an environment could be so safe ( at least for me ) , I'm just so glad that I've been given such chance to be there. Teringat dulu taknak buat Alevels sebab lama sangat , not knowing A-levels is a blessing to me :')

Giving back

Seeds of Deeds Kelantan Chapter.

August 18, 2016

Every time nampak perkataan Seeds of Deeds tu , akan teringat ayat Surah Ibrahim ayat 24 :)

Have you not considered how Allah presents an example, [making] a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly fixed and its branches [high] in the sky?

Its like a booster for me to do , or to give as much as I can , or to speak good words. 

I just got back from Kelantan yesterday and even though I'm not the one who drive the bus , it was exhausting , to the point that I'm considering flights in the future. When I woke up in the middle of the night in the bus , I was thinking about whether a flying white object will appear before my eyes HA HA HA too much of IIUM scary confessions you're not going to expect one najwa nevaaaah.

* by the time I'm posting this , I am back for like five days , hahahhahaha. 

Appreciation post to Ainaa Mazelin : Thanks for bringing me around , I miss Kelantan a lot :( Can't thanked you enough sebab drive jejauh bawak I jenjalan :') 

So just like Kalsom , I applied for the camp dengan tiada harapan diletakkan. If its meant to be , then it will be , like I'll be there and once again Allah gave me the opportunity to give back to the society. Its not that I'm good in English neither facilitating since these are very new to me , but I just wanted to share. Share what is like having an opportunity to explore something , having an opportunity to love what you're doing , and perhaps offering anything that may change my own life / their life. 

Teringat booster nak share walaupun sedikit , is forever the story of the first Khulafa' Ar Rasyidin - Abu Bakar As- Siddiq , during the early phase of Islam. Kalau diikutkan waktu tu baru turun dua tiga ayat , but the burning passion he had in him to spread apa yang dia dapat untuk spread wisdom to people , tak tunggu sampai Quran nak complete baru nak sampaikan dakwah. sesuai dengan Prophet Muhammad saw said ' Sampaikanlah dariku walau hanya satu ayat ' ( H.R Bukhari ) 

I see Kelantan chapter of Seeds of Deeds campaign is a platform for me to do things I missed during Kalsom. Like to bond with the kids more , to offer more than what I could offer earlier , to correct anything I've done wrong earlier. Kalsom was really a good start for me , it had indirectly boost my confidence level to mingle more with the facis and the kids. I've told you earlier how bad I am in terms of socializing with people. The battle between the introverted and extroverted side of me is forever Dota 2 ( its ongoing ) ( its a battle ) ( excuse me I need a hisptur jargon ) ( acahhhh ) haha.

I promised that I'll put more efforts on the gifts for the kids ( because I only managed to get a pocket file , handkerchief and snacks for the kids in Kalsom which I can do better than that T.T )  , hence the reason why I did the button for the kids .

Like other camps , aku banyak kali bagitahu diri sendiri supaya selalu berlapang dada , with anything. Like what type of kids I'll get , so it'll be easier for me to suspend any kind of judgement I'll have. Because I know if I'm expecting something specific , I'll be the one who ended being hurt. It was not easy because at some points , I was expecting things to happen in some ways I wish it to be but it doesn't turn out that wayand I'm allowing myself to learn anything yang Allah nak offer.  . I actually took quite some time writing the feelings inside my phone , that's the fastest way I could calm myself at the moment.

( after taking some time off from writing ha ha ha ) ( this post took me four days ) ( just what happened to your writing mood Anis Najwa ) 

Everyday since SOD ends , one of my kids , without fail , sending his diary every night for me to check. Originally , ianya sekadar satu offer pada diaorang that they can keep sending their diaries. But this boy , aku envied gila dengan usaha dia hari hari buat diary hantar through whatssap. And some of it makes me goes awwwwwwww haha.

During the camp , we asked them to write diaries every day , what they learn , so there's always a session for them to reflect back what they've been doing for the day. Some of the kids are really poor with their English , so indirectly writing diaries ni macam training for formal writing and to increase the usage of English in their life  . And we the facis will read their diaries and give comments ( I can say ' uplifting comments' ) . We start simple , just three sentences at the beginning.  Sebab the key here is for them to TRY. Towards the end , for some of the kids , aku panggil untuk sama sama betulkan grammar and sentence structure. Daku sebagai faci jugak kenkadang merujuk Google on the sentence structure and grammar ( forevaaaa failure ) , which indirectly it helped me as well with my English. And as I expected , most of the sentences got better and they are writing more than at least five sentences ! Anak anak , you guys grew up a lot yknow that ! 

To me , that's one of the way for me to see their progress , and to see dalam banyak banyak benda apa yang paling terkesan dekat diaorang. Because the sessions are packed , we might have less time to reflect on their understanding by chatting  , and some of the kids were really quiet , but they write like plenty of reflections. And aku sangat menghormati ekspresi berbentuk tulisan , because sometimes it speaks louder than the uttered words do. And I'm forever grateful that I took that initiative because I can know the kids more. 

Going to camps like this , what I always want for the beneficiaries is for them to have that one mindset yang ' Success belongs to anyone , tak tertakluk pada bilangan A ' semata-mata. Its not to undermine their burning passion to dream high , or fly over the sea to be successful. Because for me myself , aku pernah hidup dalam satu situasi where I say things like ' Hahh dia bolehlah , pandai dari kecik so everything is possible ' or things like ' Dia bolehlah , hidup luxury , surrounding membantu ' , aku nak semua orang rasa yang lets just say impian dia nak jadi pembuat karipap , dia akan jadi pembuat karipap yang perhaps import the currypuff sampai ke Toronto , cehhhh kenapa kau Toronto tetiba ni haha . Kalau kata nak jadi mechanic , mechanic yang have a good grasp on biology for example. Its not about settling for less , but settling your life dengan bergaya. Cehhhhhh >.< . Because for me , flying across the sea , akan forever jadi satu rezeki > usaha yang aku bagi. And it was the chance given to me , to them , their chances might differ and whatever the chances are , they can be successful if they use that chance wisely. Which I know they will. 

The kids I met for that five days are people who really believe in themselves. That they can do it. The last day we're there , there's this kid named Hannan. She was very quiet during the camp , even if we asked her to speak up , suara dia seperti ditenggelamkan angin sepoi sepoi bahasa . And most of the time , we will call her name because that's the only way to ask her to participate. But the last day , while I was chilling with the kids , she came to me , saying sorry that she don't do much for the past few days. I always remember that her ambition was to be a lecturer , precisely in Arabic language. And it happened that she's been revising Arabic for the past few days because there's an upcoming exam. ( ni bukan alasan dia btw , I'm just stating it here , because I know how suffocating revising Arabic can be , BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE AND I survived with a B+ in SPM hahahha ) . She told me that disebabkan dia sekolah agama dan Arabic is the focus , no one like no one pernah nak highlight kepentingan English like what is this alien language gurl so she literally takde confidence to use English at all . So before anything , I asked her to introduce herself in Arabic which she speaks FLUENTLY I TELL YOU I'M AMUSED ! 

I remembered that ustaz in Selandar once told me , that if you can understand and have a good grasp in Arabic , you can easily understand English and vice verse. Because both languages have a very complex tenses , even verbs. And I told her that , and she was literally surprised like akak ni gurau apa pagi ni. I might not help you that much after the camp , but I hope apa yang ustaz akak cakap tu sedikit sebanyak boost keyakinan awak untuk maju kehadapan bersama Bahasa Inggeris cewahs haha. Btw , syukran ya Ustaz sampai sekarang ayat ustaz melekat dalam kepala saya hahahah  , sebab dulu saya sejenis mahkluk vice verse , understand English but having troubles with Arabic , but scoring B+ is like a forever dream for me haha , I got C k for PMR . 

In Kelantan , I figured out yang most of the students are used to hardships that they don't even perceive it as hardship anymore. Like apalah sangat. For example , Tanah Merah and Kuala Kerai were one of the places yang badly affected jika bah ( I remembered that joke of Bah-rain , what country yang banjir dulu baru hujan lels =.=' ) melanda. And one of the kids in my dorm cerita yang dia pernah duduk lebih dua minggu dekat pusat pemindahan and she uttered those words with ease like lek aaaa banjir je pun. Bagi dia benda tu takde apa pun , when on the other hand you might think about having some personal space , your home , and mungkin boleh kelemasan dalam lautan manusia yang ramai. But to the kids yang affected with it , its nothing kak , banjir je lols . Mungkin aku je yang selalu sangat senang , kesusahan itu dirasakan susah yang amat. Its not just that , masa Jo-heart-Ry Kalsom ( where the kids and us will share our problems ) , they just don't share much . I know one of my kids struggling so hard financially , but she acted like nothing happen , and to her , its just a part and parcel of her life. I don't even hear to stories like they're having any problems with their teachers , they're indeed students with great manner. And aku sendiri ada difficulty nak share problem aku sebab aku rasa yang my problem is like practically NO-ING GURLLL to their eyes T.T 

I can say my mingling skill got better here in Kelantan. Maybe its because I already knew some of them , and for some reasons , dia rasa lagi selesa for me to fit in. But perhaps most of the time , aku menerima yang  aku memang seorang yang pendiam luls dan lebih senang memerhati. 

To fellow committees , facilitators ( in case you're reading through )

Thank you , for making the camp , one of the best part and parcel of my life. I certainly can't repay your kindness , your warmness dikala hujan hampir setiap hari di camp. Standing in front of me are people who're really passionate about giving whatever you can . I'm forever inspired and energised by your positive vibes , your energetic moves , the passions you guys had in each and everyone of you. Little that I know , I'm exposed to many beautiful souls , which I'm looking forward to meet again in the future insyaAllah. Till then , take care :)

Special mention to my module partner , Wan Syazuli , thanks for helping to ease the module for me :) 

To Amirul Farid and Aiman Syakir , my group partners , thanks for everything I can never mention here. You guys rawwwks ! maaf  tak tengok all the Tyra so I can't really respond to your play haha . 

To the kids

we are missing Hannan in most pictures T.T 

Thank you , without knowing you guys inspired me more than I do. For believing in yourself that you can make the changes , willingly absorbing knowledge and advises , you guys grew up a lot for the past few days . I hope that shall continue in the future. I'm glad that our path crossed. Haikal , Farhan , Fahmi , Amirul , Fakrul , Hakim , Wani , Elienda , Aina , Faten , Hannan , Syafiqa , Ida , and Yuni , thank you :) 

Down The Lane

Attachment student at Kartini & Partners.

August 15, 2016

It feels weird tho , relaxing the whole day when I'm used to start the day early in the morning. Last week I finished my internship ,  I might as well considered it as working since I do things like helping to prepare documents , called the clients and many of the tasks are very new to me.
I was supposed to write this down last week before the camp but I was occupied ( or lazy basically haha ) . I remembered that I was contemplating over my choice to set my last day of working on the 3rd of August but I need to give myself some time off before the Seeds of Deeds camp. Well exactly takde time off pun sebab sibuk run errands and packing. 

I remembered the first day I'm working , I was assigned to draft a letter to forward to a client. I was given a file and was asked to read and understand the content of the file ( which clearly I may excel in reading but not to understand the terms which seems so new to me ). Masa tu dengan tak bercakap dengan orang lain , level keyakinan di tahap negatif bawah laut. Surat tu exactly drafted quite fast than I expected and 

I thought that YEAY I'M DONE FOR THE DAYHHH jejoget bersama mentimun laut di dasar lautan 

ugh well I'm so wrong. The moment when the lawyer corrected my letter , she asked me where are the documents to be forwarded. Aku blank habis of course , because I was told to complete the letter eh jap excuse me what documents we're talking about hahahahah ? That was one of the stressful moment in life , for the first time depan mata kau ni ada bermacam macam terms and mixed between Malay and English. For example dalam surat it was mentioned there - Pendua Gadaian ... when the exact document is in English Tittle ( Duplicate ). Hari tu sebenarnay sangat mencabar the ignorant side of me , because aku back and forth jugak masuk bilik lawyer untuk recheck whether I got the right documents to be forwarded. Its very simple sebenarnya , ada satu tu resit cukai tanah kot , I was supposed to forward the recent resit but I put forward 2015 punya , well of course mata kau tengok Cukai Tanah je . Menangisi sisi sisi lahiriah yang ada pada seorang Anis Najwa hahaha. 

However , dengan Cik Ta la I learnt a lot ! ( the conveyancing lawyer ) I learnt to be someone yang pay attention on little details. I learn that I must knew the things I'm doing bukan sekadar ambik kerja tu without knowing what is it , or whats next. I remembered the day I asked for he signature on a cheque then she asked me , whats next ? ( iols mati kutu takleh jawab hahahah ) With her I learnt to be confident , in the sense that I know what I'm doing and I don't simply say things like ' Saya rasa ' ' kot' 'I'm not sure about that' dan free free kena fire ' tak sure. tak sure ' adududuh sakitnya di sini haha , secara tidak langsung dia ajar aku the importance of being precise with the works. I did not get the chance to bit her farewell but she seriously taught me a lot , a lot more than I expect. I'm forever thankful for that :')

One of the questions asked by the employer when I emailed the firm is , what I expect / want to learn from the firm ? Sebagai seseorang yang selalu go with the flow and berlapang dada acahhh dengan apa jua perkara yang aku akan belajar , this was actually making me pause for minutes. Later I knew that I was expecting to know some procedures , like how the law works in Malaysia , basically to see how was it the law operating in real life. This includes documentations , I must say its more on the technical side ( clerk jobs ) but I really want to see how things were done. During our first meeting before I started working , I told the lawyer that I wanted to give myself a teaser on everything that I'm going to learn during the attachment days. I never had an experience of working in the past , so I badly want to know how is it working from 8 to 5 everyday. Now that I've experienced it , I want to continue studying ha ha ha ha ha * taknak berhadapan dengan reality *

I was placed at the first floor , with the conveyancing team ( fyi conveyancing is about land , its about buying and selling properties , lots of documentations because we're talking about property and plenty of money invested on this area ) with two helpful Asyrafs. I can never tell you how this two guys eased my life , they help me with all the little details that matters. Macam photocopying , it sounds simple but I can never do it without their help , everything seems so odd in my eyes , bertahun hidup tengok mesin fotostat but I was never in to complicated photocopying tasks. Like to have a duplicate letter to each letter you forward , where to put all the cops. The elder Asyraf was a really neat and tidy person , everything seems so organized on his table. I envied a guy who's very organized like him. That explains why he's very particular on the appearance of documents , contoh macam kena stapler berapa banyak on a document in what manner that it will appear nicely. It looks simple , and petty kenkadang , tapi I seriously need someone like him so that ignorant people like me boleh ditanam hidup hidup hahaha. 

The next Asyraf is Asyraf junior. The story behind the workloads I had was because of him ha ha ha , sebab I gathered my courage to ask him whether is there any works I can help with. The key to internship is to ASK for the job if you don't have any. Sebab seriously kau boleh bertukar menjadi kerepek pisang lemau selepas sehari tanpa kerja , looking at the screen doing exactly NOTHING . The fact that he's always ready to hear to my repetitive questions , I thanked him for being patient. Dia mesti macam lol akak ni study jejauh benda camni pun slow huwaaaa I slow which if I'm in the rabbit turtle race , I am perhaps slower than the turtle. HA HA HA 

I must say that my first working experience is a great start for me , I was not exposed to any kinds of negativity like office bias ( nampak memakcik gossip ke ) , or things like kita sapkoklu minum pagi sampai 10 pagi then baru kerja. I saw that people starts working on time and finished on time as well. Thanks to Kak Nadia and Kak Husna , for accepting me to be a part of the office , for a very short period of time I must say. I had the intention to learn about litigations and syarie matters ( in fact that is what I'm looking forward to do ) but I don't have the chance to do so , perhaps someday in the future insyaAllah :) 

Now that I'm exposed to land matters , I'm considering conveyancing in the future. Its not that boring actually. I had fun. Haha. This post was supposed to be sentimental but the time lagged was too long that I've loose the rhythm of writing . So now I'm left with another month left to go before going back to the UK next month. And today , its been three years since that day. How I wished that I could turned back the time , which I can't. Perhaps that's how our path is meant to cross and He knows better than we do ey? 

Hope that someday our path crossed somewhere in the court or perhaps I see myself going to the firm again because I miss working. Ey do you? * kenyit mata angkat kening sikit *

Giving back

Little that I know , Kalsom...

August 02, 2016

( this post took me like at least 3 days to complete fiuhh ) ( its not that its long but I start writing this when I was sleepy - then early in the morning before the workloads ( mix emotions about working since I'm finishing soon ) - then on the evening after the workloads finished ) ( I was that busy heh? ) hahaha

wehoooo Its August already , time flies fast and so far I make a full use of my summer holiday , all occupied , and some days I wished for a long nap snuggling with the pillows , lies on the bed and do nothing . I was a bit worried that most of my blog traffics come from Russia like somebody is doing some background check ugh hello excuse me , I just partially potato , the end of the story.  I'm boring guys so you may just stop.

So I was looking at the facebook newsfeed all day ( while doing my first adjudicating experience on the loans and memorandum of transfer  , I wonder I got the terms right haha I need some time off people ! ) and there's like A LOT OF PICTURES somehow I was glad but I barely had 20 pictures inside my phone for Kalsom. Oh yeah I was going to share with you guys my experience , being a part of Kalsom Movement and this year , its their 22nd movement , and I'm forever grateful that I hand in my application last time , though I wasn't serious , plus the numbers of  applicants are overwhelming. I was just trying my luck. I guess I was lucky , to experience something new in my life.

You got to understand the current insecurities that had been running through my head , my socializing skills are bad , bad enough that I have no courage to talk or sustain a conversation with a stranger. Its weird tho , I can talk to strangers , I'm totally okay with formal presentation in front of a big crowd but when it comes to socializing , mingling around , I see myself sitting at the corner looking at everybody else and perhaps sneaking inside the comfort zone of musics. I've been escaping that way and I'm used to it , deep down I know , its bad for myself. I bet. You see how the introverted and extroverted side of me conflicting each other.

Little that I know , Kalsom is not just about boosting the kids confidence , but its for me to break the walls I built.

The highlighted moments

There's this one time one of my kids voluntarily want to speak in front because she hasn't got the chance to do so. The module requires the Project Manager to present their company plan to build a plane which will be used to send foods and medical equipments . But she wasn't the project manager for the module , and she promptly asked whether she can be the one who present the case. Because two nights earlier we were having a heart to heart session and she did mentioned that she wants to talk at the front but not at that moment , I specifically remembered she said " Tengoklah bila hati nak terbukak " something like that. And there she was , bravely speaking in front of the crowd.

The tips is ( this may apply to anyone who wants to encourage people to have confidence to ta) , is to prepare . You may help with the text and practice with them what they shall say , why they are saying all the things ( you don't just help with the text and you leave them  hanging , they shall know why they are saying the lines so they might fit appropriate gestures to it ) and if you have the chance , be with them in front of the crowd , they might stutter with their words but you need to tell them , but you need to tell them , that they're doing good , it's totally okay and they made a good job ! . They may look simple but trust me those words are powerful !

There are so many things happened through out that five days. Last night I was looking at a picture of the Grand Canyon and Machu Pichu group - we're together in the Night to Remember module. And we won the best performance and that was so surprising ! Because we changed the drama after our stage practice. That was like approximately 10 to 15 minutes practice. Basically we're copying scenes from Upin Ipin and Boboiboy , and later we realized that they want the theme to be incorporated in our performance plus some moral values ( which we don't discuss it earlier ) .


 So I made an ad-hock changes , added some lines for Mamazola the main character basically asking the students where is Machu Pichu and Grand Canyon is. It was a pretty short drama about a class with a dance battle. We originally plan to have just a short shishuashua dance but it turns out they play the whole song and the crowd is dancing along in their traditional attire. Anddddd somebody did spoke in front to tell the audience ( Its Sarah - I remembered her name because she asked me to be the imam for Maghrib prayer and we specifically had a dakwah-tarbiyah conversation together ) about the moral values of the story even though we didn't discussed earlier. Bravo kids !

Later I learned its not really about the content as a whole , its about enjoying the performances which they did.


Over that five days , you can really see how giving , instilling TRUST to someone could push someone forward. You TRUST that they can do it , giving constant support to someone can really help them with their confidence. The element of TRUST is something you can never undermine. I saw it somewhere on the internet earlier , there's a poster that says " If you're the boss and you're giving the task to your employee , always TRUST that they will do their best ( tho sebenarnya jangan letakkan pengharapan pada manusia kerana manusia itu sifatnya mengecewakan ha ha ha ) , I guess there are fine lines between hoping and trusting ey? at least to the spellings haha

 The kids are bright kids that have big potential within themselves but they haven't got a chance to polish up their skills. In some ways I envied them for having such opportunities at their age. They learned how to think professionally , how to organize a company , they learned to talk confidently , they even got the chance to explore the life beyond the school gates.

For those who braced themselves to go forward , for those who took the challenges , for those who breaks their own wall , for those who're willing to assimilate changes , bravo to you kids ! Because at the end of the day if you yourself stops all these good things coming to you, nothing will happen.

Kalsom also taught me to be grateful. More reasons to be grateful. I was born in an incredible surrounding , not in luxury but good enough to live a good life. I was driven to achieve better than what my parents achieved . Some of the kids , people torment them with stereotypes , just because she's not good academically people goes" Kau nanti tua tua pun kerja kilang" and she's only driven by her mom's support that she won't end up working at the factory  .

my favourite Wei Cyn :) 

When I was talking to the kid , I was applying a more realistic approach because we all know that we don't necessarily need to be academically excellent to be called ' successful '. Even if one day she end up working at the factory , she will not be the ordinary worker , but working at the managerial position. But as for now , I can't allow myself to say to you that you shall stop working on your academics , you should work hard for it , and if one day , after you have given your best , try your very best and you still can't score academically , then its okay . Find something that you're very good at. Then chase your dream. Be the one who define your own success.

Being grateful does not only applies to the good things happening to you. In one sense I envied the kids for being able to withstand the pressure , that me myself can't imagine if I were the one standing in their shoes. Its like they've already ticked one challenges in their life and can humbly said " I passed through this , alhamdulillah ".

I miss that " Allah uji sebab Dia sayang "

Kalsom is also one of the medium for me to give back to the society as much as I can without expecting anything in return. I may not have vivid reasons on why I shall help the students , but I know that this is what I enjoy doing. I may not know what's the real outcome after the camp , but I know something change , to the very least a percent. And I may not change them over five days , but little ( or more ) that I know , it changes me. It tamed my heart .

Aku selalu insecure yang reading law akan buat hati seorang Anis Najwa keras seperti kerikil ( because it sounds cooler than besi or batu haha ) , so I need to do as many things I can to make the heart softer , to be able to respond accordingly with the right attention and emotions. 

Thanks to Kalsom , I got to hear to lots of new musics/songs ! I'm that lame people but I just don't really care. Most of my playlists consist of old love songs back in 90's and perhaps some of mash up songs / coldplay / secondhand serenade you can name all of the songs I've been hearing to.  Perhaps my soul turned 34 this year hahahahah !

Little that I know, Kalsom taught me a lot , a lot more than what I could write inside here. Like how other camps have a special place inside my heart , Kalsom did also carved a home deep down inside my heart. The points are jumbling up , excuse me its been like 3 /2 weeks since I wrote something here. Lols.

Gambar nantilah ( kalau rajin ) ( hahahah I don't have much picture pun ) ( tengok gambar orang lain je )