EFF ELL WAI its F L Y.

Hari ni, 2 lagi Machinants fly. Okay sayu tetiba ( insert lagi Autumn in My Heart )

Asraf Afifiq. Rafiq Rifa'i.

Jaga diri. Ahaaa aku tahu you won't be coming cross this place to read this. Ahaks. Kalian di included dalam doa. Moga Allah merahmati kalian. Dunia akhirat. Sesungguhnya kalian berada dalam laluan menagih ilmu Allah. Allah surely easing the path. Ameeen.

Maka dengan itu, mereka mengingatkan aku bahawa. - Setahun je lagi najwa. Setahun lagi.( You gotta be kiddin' me yeah - dah lepaih dah setahun ceqqq dekat intec tu wuwuwuuw - air mata jatuh ke tanah ) Aim high. 

KLIA. setahun bulan bulan to go. Fighting figthers!


You Can Do It !!!



When boredom strikes. Being random is bliss.

Well. 



These days , when I wanted to open my blog link , I happily said " The'A" - which sounds like di'a. So rasa macam girlish overboard dekat situ. Perkaitan yang tak nampak sangatlah kan kaitannya. Lols epic.



O K. 

Sebenarnya banyak je good things happened in life these past few days. Tapi yelah bila namanya manusia, benda buruk will be overshadowing all those feeling good moment. Like recently , haze all the way , acamtulah jerebunya di hati. double epic. 

Tadi tengok satu video ni, a skin care video. Eheks and aku teringat yang aku golongan wanita yang terlalu ignorant. I've been abandoning my facial thing. Patutlah muka tak terasa dipampered. Bukannya apa, I'm currently curing bad bad pimples on both of my cheeks pakai ubat klinik. So I don't really know if ubat klinik dengan my garnier facial wash and my basic toner bagai tu boleh mix well. So I must start doing those thing . Umur 19 dah najwa. Yeleee kau kata taknak kahwin awal bagai , kalau Allah rancang another way round. Baru nanti terkial nak jaga muka. P triple F and T. 

Next, got a text from a friend of mine. She's quitting from loving someone. Someone yang aku rasa , tak value pun kewujudan dia despite all those good deeds she's done. All the prayers from her to him. Mungkin through masa, Allah makbulkan permintaan kau kawan. I'm respecting your decision ( well I can say I am one of yang invade keputusan sebegini rupa ) tapi aku nak dia bahagia. Don't break your heart purposely. Love is rather complicated. 

Next , alang alang love-genre story ni. Aku nak clarify. Yang aku taknak kahwin ( I mend the statement with an addition of ' AWAL ' ) Kang kalau kata taknak kahwin , ( ye ye je ) bukan part umat Nabi. Jadi , kahwin ke, getting attached to oppo gen ke apa ke, is not my priority in life for now. Infact aku boleh kekok nak cerita pasal angan angan nak kahwin masak laksa je nanti. Entah lah. Sebab aku rasa , aku akan ada banyak black past years. Aku selalu fikir, lets say in 5 years time, aku kurus kan ( ameeeen ) , would my husband tu nanti accepting who I am since before? Or dia cuma approach masa dah kurus? Or what? all these things semua buat aku suffer nak menjawab. Nantilah bukak kita bab nikah-kahwin ni. 

Aku dah malas nak fikir 'topik-hangat-remaja-kini' 








...

Random betul. 

Celaru.

I've been thinking past few days yang buat neuron kepala sesak dan celaru.


There're times I wish I am pursuing my law in UIAM. Bukan di INTEC. Bukan bawah tanggungjawab JPA.



Kufur nikmat. Kerana nikmat yang satu ini telah kau dustakan. Mana pergi Ar-Rahman dalam jiwa.

Its the fear. Everything seems so hard to be achieved. Sampai ada malam yang aku menangis sendiri. Menangisi keputusan sendiri. Tapi bukankah ini yang kau impikan? Benda yang kau impikan suatu masa dahulu, saat result SPM mengecewakan impian, Allah aturkan jalan menuju impian.

And..

The moment when I feel I'm giving up.
The moment when I feel I don't want to go back to intec.
The moment when I feel. I am giving things up.

Satu hari , I told it to my mum. How I really wish I am not here now. How I really wish my decision back then was another way round. Entah , terasa ujian yang berat , because I need to shoot for many aims in one shot. Tapi berat mana pun, aku masih terasa oxygen lalu kerongkong. Maksudnya , I am capable for those things.

And I remembered how shaky was her voice. Berhadapan dengan seorang anak yang nak berhenti di tengah jalan. I was never like this before. Because I know I am a fighter from the beginning. She told me , " Jangan cakap susah . Yakin , yakin dengan Allah. Yakin yang ujian yang anis dapat ada hikmah " .

Mana pergi keyakinan.

From that day. I know. I shouldn't be like this. Well at least , NOT GIVING UP.

...

Between the lines, I lost my words. Cuba untuk tazkirah diri sendiri. Allah tak letak dalam satu jalan kalau kita tak mampu menempuh. Sekalipun dengan merangkak , pasti Allah bawak lalu jalan tu. Kau berada dalam tempat yang menjadi idaman sekalian remaja luar sana. Kau dilimpahkan dengan nimat rezeki. Tang mana kau nak mendustakan? Tang mana?

Tak malu ke dengan Allah. After all those things He gave to you. You dare to say you're quiting.

....

Ar-Rahman.



2 minggu lagi...

Okay. This is serious. 2 months almost ended. 2 weeks left and I'll be going back to intec.

So apehal perempuan ini semangat sangat buat post awal  ( mata 90' ke atas ). Semangat over board la tuuu. NO you're definitely wrong, because the answer is NO. I'm just catching up breath and trying to assimilate myself back into the ''intec-life-timetable"

Sejujurnya diri ini takut nak balik intec, insecure dengan perasaan sendiri. Bukan sebab aku nak cuti lama lagi, sebab memang nak go through A-level secepat yang mungkin. Aku taknak pun cuti yang super lama. Taknak. Tapi going back to Intec pun...* shutdown those shits feeling , kau kena bersemangat *

So ( I love so , so what? ) heckitoff

I've been reviewing things that I'll learned in the next semester , macam econs, wahaaaaaa seriauuu seriau seriau sebab I'm concerned that we'll learned 2 units , micro and macro , read through and die. haha :3 , tapi I can do it insyaAllah.

Yang lain lain, history taktahu apa apa lagi. ( tak jumpa mana yang related ) , english belum buat review lagi. Same goes to Math - soon insyaAllah.


List to do dah ready.

k hambar. K najwa. Kbye.

Convent Infant Jesus ( 1 )

Well I don't know how the conversation started on my twitter timeline, out of sudden, my convent clan yang aku keep - in - touch in virtual life semua gather memories back in pieces. Ahaks.

Oh google , you make my life much easier these days :3

The last time I went to Convent was in 2007 , the day I am taking the 5 A's award. And lepastu dah tak pernah jejak kaki dekat sekolah tu. Tempat jatuh lagi dikenang apatah lagi tempat bermain. I swear that, gimme one more time there, duduk tengah field tu aku boleh recall berkajang memories.

I can;t deny that yang aku punya tahap ingatan masa sekolah rendah adalah amat rendah, mungkin kerana dia sekolah " rendah" * hambar laugh inserted * but somehow there were some things that I could remember.

I still recognize numbers of teachers. Cikgu Munah, Madam Bong. Miss Katherine. Cikgu Ramlah, Madam Leong , Puan Esther, Puan Ong , Cikgu Zaiton, Cikgu Zarina, Miss Tan Yan Peng , Puan Sadnha , Cikgu Khadijah , Cikgu Masliza , Puan Phu, Cikgu Rashidah... and ... Cikgu Saufi * gatal laugh* - i miss you dearly teachers :)) Am I too late to wish, Happy Teachers day? 

Such as ...
Masa dekat 1 Merah, tak colour lukisan dalam buku, waktu semua orang tengah duduk atas tikar, aku duduk depan pintu , kena marah dengan Puan Phu.

* last time I wore the ayam costume for pertandingan bercerita - tahun bila tah*

Darjah 2 Merah, I remembered last time masa Miss Chong punya retirement day , satu kelas berkabung nangis tutup pintu. She was one of my favourite teacher till today.

3 Merah , masa birthday puteri, I was really amazed with her NEMO SUPER BIG CAKE and main anjing anjing * which was balloons * dengan Insyirah dengan Wani dalam kelas. Itu sumpah erks.

4 Merah ... well I couldn't remember any significant thing masa ni. 2004 , mungkin ingatan jauh ke laut selat melaka.

5 Merah , kena lucut jawatan penolong ketua kelas sebab aku kutip buku. Itu sumpahlah moment fuuuuuu kuasa lapan belas. Pastu time rehat , Aunty Irine panggil - jadi pustakawan. weeeehuuu * itu lagi satu nightmare sebab aku malas bertugas * . Choral speakers. First time masuk peringkat negeri, 2nd runners up :))

6 Merah , weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehu final year was awesome sebab satu kelas besaqqq , besar gila. Kependekan akal usha cikgu saufi depan chappel. Menangis dediam sebab trip ke Cameron tak satu bas dengan cikgu saufi. Meskipun hormon keperempuanan attracted to guys on that time tinggi, aku masih survive dengan 5 A * ayat poyo sangat * haha.

* salin nota Puan Tengku - kena marah dengan cikgu Masliza - fluctuations of A's from trial to trial - pergi bookshop main tali , beli game card - makan nasi goreng Wani bawakkan - tidur rumah Mira Asmidar - buku kena baling dari kelas - buat homework depan bilik guru - pergi sekolah pakai tudung dalam kelas gantung tudung dekat kerusi sebelah *

after all. Convent taught me more than I could remember. How I survive speaking English in Selandar , thanks to Convent Years. Survive living without guys. Schooling with multi-racial. That was freakin' awesome.

Aku sumpahlah budak underground dekat Convent * ehhhh yeye je ni, tapi aku rasa ye*  but then, I love it. Mungkin ada sesetengah yang aku dah lupa sebab once habis je primary years, aku dah ke dunia 360 degrees yang lain - Selandar dengan environmentnya . But all those good times, to whom I am close to , with whom I friend with. Bad times , scolded semua, makes me who I am today.

So.... I really wanna go back to Convent to show small gratitude towards the teachers. Cuma belum berkesempatan.

ps. I was googling convent and I saw myself in the picture back in 2006. Woihh gila buruk perempuan ni.


spot that pink girl with tudung kaler kuning * dying *

We are the student of Convent Infant Jesus ,
Together here as one.
To pledge a loyalty to you , the school we love so dear.
We work and play and dedicate ourself to be fair and brave and strong.
So we the student give a cheer , to Convent IJ :)
SO WE THE STUDENTS GIVE A CHEER, TO CONVENT IJ :)

I couldn't recall the exact lyrics. But then I still get the rythm.

Rambling. Mumbling.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaai blog. Selepas melalui fasa tekanan hidup skala 7.25 / 10 , maka aku kembali menulis. Aicewah aicewah.

Yesterday I was on the phone * ke the day before * with one of dearly geef . ( its GE EF * pronounce ikut suku kata bahasa melayu ) spilling things yang aku kira masuk phase private-girl-bonding-topic. * kenkonon* and I feel relief gila lepas dapat cakap every single thing that messed my head these two three days. Loose a life moment sebab pendam sendiri , those thought that the bad time will be flushed away dengan sendirinya. - now awake .

Soooo sooo sooo, there's one time I saw my class punya photo and I guess its not complete , sibuklah aku mengira who's not inside that photo... after a moment ; danggggg !!! muka sendiri rupanya yang takde . Ahaks. That moment, dengan sengajanya aku memilih untuk tak berada di situ. Inner-self fighting , ego , apa lagi. Tak move on. Childish. Penat semua included. Najwa , awak harus belajar untuk lebih matang mungkin. :)

Next, last time when I was inside those scaled phase ( di atas ) , I went to my swimming class. I feeeeeeeeeel so so safe swimming. Kalau nangis pun , people couldn't differentiate air mata dengan air klorin kolam. But yeah , aku rasa klorin mampu buat aku escape miseries. Kejap. Ke fact that we're living within the amniotic fluids for 9 months makes me feel safe inside there. Mungkin.

Nampaknya post post aku hilang semangat kerana tuannya tak mampu deliver semangat waja.

Allah let me to " STILL BREATHING " maybe to correct things . To reflect upon dear-self. To gather back strength. To build back the semangat. To whatsoever it is.

By the way, I attended one majlis ilmu just now regarding israk mikraj and ramadhan. Rasanya dah lama tak invade diri sendiri dengar majlis genre ketuhanan . Maka aku bersyukur kau pilih aku untuk berada di rumah-Mu hari ini. So aku kira itu fasa pemulihan jiwa yang tak tenang ni.

Alhamdulillah.


tak percaya?


cheeky gilaaaa okayyyyyyyyy dia ni. 



Hai blog.

it hurt me so bad :'(

senang kan orang bercakap. The pain. Its me who endure it. I hate it when tears streaming down. Again. I feel so bad. I feel so bad. I feel so bad. I feel so bad.

When death is not an easy choice either .

I am dying inside.


Preferences.

Eheks. K motip menulis adalah kerana kepelikan ( well the exact word should be 'ke-curiosity-an' - rainbows of puking over the mingled words )  aku terhadap manusia yang prefer Chatime daripada Cool Blog. Eh. Tetapi ini serious.

Meski orang kata BerbualMasa lagi sedap. Aku tetap setia bersama Cool Blog. Sebab dia C O O L gitewww. ahaks

Mungkin preferences kita berbeza. Meski nilai chromosome sama.

tapi apakah mungkin kerana ada Cool Blog di sebelah deretan kedai Mydin seksyen 18 maka aku berpihak pada Cool Blog.

Hmmm. Mungkin tak.

Next.

Wishlist. K biasalah melewati satu persatu blog dari rakan ke teman hingga ke anonymous. Maka aku lihat banyak wishlist berkajang. Hmm camera nikon. Iphonggg berapa ntah. Tab itu Tab ini tapi belum ada yang demand dalam wishlist nak bath tub. * kaitan? * well to other sorts of stuff which I don't have one.

But somehow I guess. I should have some. But I don't think that I need em'.
Things like phone , saat orang mampu melakar jari di skrin, aku juga mampu tapi fungsinya krik krik volume 18. I should be demanding something like touch-phone screen. Or anything. Teringat masa nak beli treadmill minggu lepas - abang kedai tu kata, kalau bosan, bolehlah pasang S M A R T P H O N E dekat treadmill tu. Ahaaaaai sumpah aku tersentap. Nasib Nokia C3 aku menyorok dalam handbag. Masih bernafas tanpa kehadiran Whatssap , Kakao entah apa apa tah lagi. Keamanan dalam kehidupan.

Tapi aku tak rasa aku perlu demand satu , sebab aku tak merasa keperluan. Mungkin belum masa.

so wishlist aku kosong , semua yang aku nak , tak bersifat material , tapi lebih bersifat maknawi. Yang berlandaskan dengan nilai kepercayaan dan pengharapan. Hmm.

Adakah mungkin aku manusia hambar? mungkin jugak.

Mungkin jugak sebab itu, bila orang tanya nak hadiah apa , akan keluar idea zaman pramatang - teddy bear , teddy bear meski aku tahu aku tak tidur peluk teddy bear , bantal peluk - meski aku tahu bantal itu akan berakhir bukan dalam pelukan , and segalanya hambar.

so oleh sebab itu juga ,shopping complex hanya tempat untuk aku memborong buku. Masuk untuk pergi kedai buku. Mungkin affection buku telah mengaburkan mata aku. eheks. apa ini.

post ni wajar disertakan dengan bunyi KRIK KRIK KRIK.

kbai.


tapi aku tahu yang aku nak bunch of colourful balloons :) - ehhhh sepuluh harakat.



That One Wish.

If and only if.

Moving picture jug jar of fairy dust animated gif

I am given a chance to wish on something regardless how it gonna work or how the wish would come true. Through sprinkles of magics. I wish that I am thin. I wish that I am not an XXXXXXXXXXL size.

Well to say this, it took couple of days. Months or even years. Regarding the fact that everyone can access through my blog and maybe some people might had different prospects of interpretation regarding it... Finally have guts to spill it out ...

I don't know why the determination to become thin were not really constant inside my head. I've been wishing for it. I am working on it but still , but I literally failed. And because of being physically like this, I stressed out so many people outside there. They put the blame on me. They put the blame on my mum for not raising me well. Just. Stop. To hurt me its okay.But not my mother. I know your intention is good - People who care on someone who don't really care about herself.

Some people claimed that they're helping...

But they don't really realized that they're driving someone's life insane.

lesson learnt - understand then talk.

And it stressed me out too.

Couples of months before , that day wouldn't fade from my memory. I finally see how cruel the world , they judge. They discriminate just because they thought they're perfect enough. I can see many eyes judging on me , it do pierced me inside like a razor blade. All those perfections they had. Because we're living in a rigid society with their one sole definition of beauty.

They claimed that its the beauty of freedom of speech.
Because what they said , they speak out the truth.

Yes. I know you're pointing out things that we can really see from our eyes. You can tell by just looking. And your intentions - your deeds left scars.

lesson learnt - speak with courtesy.

When there were too much pressure. I tend to have a lifeless life. I couldn't talk. I couldn't share it with anybody and all these days , the tears streamed down easily. Because it hurts . To share with someone on things that they never felt. And I create my own world. I pretend that the blog knows me more than the human does.  Because the blog never said something harsh on me. It never hurts me tho.

 * sprinkles of magic * Tiny animated fairy waving her magic wand in the air

Thousand times I told myself. Not to give up. This is for your own good. Not to give up najwa. Not to. Ini fasa berusaha. Bukan fasa tawakkal. Masa hadapan adalah untuk manusia yang percaya. Manusia yang percaya dengan kuasa Allah , kuasa doa yang menjadi penghubungnya dan kuasa usaha bagi mereka yang ingin mengubah nasibnya. Fullstop.

Laman sesawang yang tak pernah bersawang.

Now this is a special post since its titled Malay. Heks. p/s " Saya masih melayu yang berbangga dengan bahasa ibunda kerana saya kira bahasa Melayu merupakan bahasa yang paling logik diterima akal - seperti BO-LA , bunyinya Bola. English , when we spell BALL , shouldn't it sounds BAL ? skeptical kan najwa. haha "

So all this time, staying connected through social networks. I ever question myself , what kind of satisfaction I am seeking for? *i guess I would never find the answer*  Mungkin ianya bunyi bunyi nak menyesal dan detached diri sendiri daripada dunia yang terwujud dengan kepakaran fikiran manusia kurniaan Allah ni. But I failed. Because I do make sure I'm checking on tweets or notification from both blue'ish networks. B U T , sometimes I am detaching myself when 

1. I feel like, I have a lot things to do and when I'm in blurry mood. 
2. When I am enjoying the reality so well. So I don't really need something virtual  keep me entertained.

In mean times . Overtimes. S T I L L , I am scrolling and stalking * would be the right word * the timeline. 

Rindu nak get along dengan manusia di dunia nyata. 

After all. 

Katanya ini laman sesawang. 
Part mana yang bersawangnya?

saya baru membersihkan sawang di dinding realiti.

Anda bila lagi? 

Shoot for the stars, if you miss you might just hit the moon.

Hamekau panjang kemain tittle post. p/s : This morning, azam aku nak tidur awal macam dekat intec. Azam tak dilunaskan. Mungkin azam pergi night club. Lols. Yang tinggal , angan - angan. Heh.

So now the heart pumped fast. Because , the results is just around the corner. Kot. 

video

Even if the results won't be around at the corner. I am still going to write this. Writing dreams on papers. Sharing thoughts. Well at least its beneficial whenever I am down the lane reminiscing the memories. 

I'm in the journey. To where? To the place I dream to go. I wanted to go to Kings College. SomehMow deep inside my heart I wanted to go to Oxford. Seeing their brochures and videos. To good to be true but what is so wrong shooting for stars aite? That is what my mum includes in her du'as. She had that one kind of expectation and I can never said to her things like " I can't " , sebab her prayers ( moms prayers ) punya kuasa is unexpected. Most of the time. So sesuaikanlah usaha dengan doa orang sekeliling insyaAllah.

I had those fears. On my results. Macam english - its evaluated through assignments and I dont have any ideas on  what the scores will be. Next , Math - I did good in Math but not for statistic. Maybe its because of the first semester's result gimme this kind of pressure. Tapi, I need to build those faith. Percaya. And tawakkal. Phase usaha melalui kuasa doa. :)

I still had those fears even tho I confessed. Grrr. 

Nak jejakkan kaki di bumi Allah yang bermusim empat tu. All these time whenever I wanted to feel those kind of feelings , I'll be standing in front of the refrigerator and breath. Nampak asap asap masa cakap dah excited macam beruk. He he he. I wanted to go to Netherlands. Pergi kampung yang jalan dia ialah sungai sungai. I even googled how to reach there.

Ni kira dream list la kot.

I want those experiences. 


and I choose to be happy.


Moga Allah redha dengan usaha. Moga Allah beri yang terbaik. Moga dapat belajar hikmah dari-Nya.

United Kingdom  Two O One Four. Wait for Anis Najwa Nazari maybe?

ameeeeeeeen :') 



Pink - Yellow overly attached creatures.

Friend is someone who accept your dark side. Bare with the over-limit of slothiness * its even a word * - overly attached . Someone who cheered  in times hardships and good time. 

Someone that I know, will be forever inside my episodes of life. 

Even they don't really meet the eyes, the heart is connected through invisible bond .


well. Those lines rushed into my mind when I saw this pink starfish - yellow living sponge with a square pants. 

They're Good Friends. 


Now lets spill something here. 

Faith. I'm loosing them.

I'm depressed. 

Can you let me cry? 

I hate it to be that way. The way fate fares it. All I wish. Is just a miracle.

Why you're bothering.

You care.

BUT, you're burdening.

You're just another freak. 

You freak my life off. 

I hate the world.

Because the way they sees me.

...

Its June.

Hello , and lets make some fast update here. Its June. Ahamdulillah, 2013 telah merentasi garis masa , di bulan yang ke enam. Nearing to Ramadhan. Moga sempat jumpa bulan mulia :')

June.

where people said " June, treat me good " - salah ni.
Mintak kebaikan bukan dari bulan sebab dia bukan ada kuasa ,  mintak dari Allah.

Its been a year.


I was scrolling the timeline just now and I saw one of my classmate posted something about First Of June. The day of hope. The day of despair. The day of acceptance. The day of miracle. Its when the scholar result turn out to be mine. The JPA-MARA scholar. Its been a year since the drama I had. Paying at the Bank Islam counter, because I accept the fact that I'm not qualified for scholars. I accept the fact that I'm enrolling law in UIAM. And that's it. A phone call from my sister was ___________ * because you can't even interpret it into words*

" Ibu, kakak Anis dapat MARA "

that one line.

Alhamdulillah.

Its been a year. Now another year to go. Moga Allah permudah dan memberkati usaha. Perlunas impian :')


Setahun itu dah berlalu :')

#SuatuMasaDahulu.