To reflect on your sick days

April 23, 2017

“Tiada seorang mukmin yang ditimpa oleh kepenatan atau penyakit atau risau fikiran atau sedih hati, walaupun jika terkena duri, melainkan semua penderitaan itu akan dijadikan penebus dosanya oleh Allah” 

(HR Bukhari-Muslim)

I'm recovering from what I believe through the symptoms as tonsillitis , it hurts so bad that even swallowing saliva seems so painful, do not mention about eating or drinking, alhamdulillah I survived. 

A little more phlegm to get rid off soon, I've been gargling salty lukewarm water at least thrice a day and a spoonful of honey blend in a warm water to sooth the throat ( with hope the phlegm goes away too ) , 

It can be frustrating sometimes when you're coughing , you can actually feel there's phlegm inside your throat but they decided to stay there and not wanting to go out ( its such a rough night for me , perhaps for my housemates too since they need to bare with my never ending cough, tried my best to make it low but the wall and the floor ain't soundproof aye ) ( this sounds gross but I am trying my best to make it sounds imaginable and tolerable at the same time haha

Looked up online on natural ways to get rid of the unpleasant sore throat ( the level is much higher than just sore throats ) , and one of them is garlic, which you need to chew them (#justlikethatIcanimaginehowitfeelslike) early in the morning when your stomach is empty because they contain sulphur ( I'm no good in verifying this ha ha ) to remove all the phlegm from your throat wall? 

I could have done that if its getting worse but as for now I am coping well with honey, salt and a towel full of germs , they perhaps constructing a kingdom now ( its gross I know

And looking at the colour of the phlegm ( gross times by two ) , guided by the massive information on google , its getting better insyaAllah :) 

Nevertheless I am actually prepared for this , 

I mean the getting flat all day on bed -headache attached to it- basically all the pains I'm experiencing for the past few days ( a week ) because the last time I could vividly remember I'm in such condition was back in 2009. And coupled with factors like I went to two camps consecutively , the weather is changing -  and its always better now isn't it? I mean before the exam days.

I am also blessed with many kind souls that pray for my fast recovery, may Allah bless all of you ameeen insyaAllah. 

Not that I am in pink of health all year round, sometimes , overtimes I may say , I (think) I have a sensitive stomach and depended on sachets of herbal medicine to recover fast and alhamdulillah it still works to this very day. 

Despite the pain , I am grateful for the ability to still feel what 'pain' is. 

It reminded me of the days where I am blessed with good health. And in a way your dependency towards Allah become much higher because after all He is the one with the highest blessings and care, and to remind myself that sickness is one of the way to reflect on my sins. And the ability to feel what pain is does not happened to people who suffered leprosy ( kusta ) but their condition gets worse but they don't feel the pain though the effect can be seen evidently. 

Its not easy though to actually feel blessed with pain because apparently you can't think straight. 

It comes after that , after you gets better but I hope next time if I am ever tested with such test, I am able to stay calm and patient , thinking of the rationales and hikmah straight away. 

'and you miss the sun when it started to snow'

Without pain and sickness you become less appreciative towards your healthy days. And such test I've been going through this week is not even comparable to those who experience  other chronic diseases.

And to anyone who is struggling with pains and sickness , 

may Allah grant you patience and may Allah ease it for you in ways you can be eased. 


Beautifully written fate of the SCUK'17 and Mukhtar'17 :)

April 18, 2017

Indeed a refreshing week retreat.

O you who have believed, shall I guide you to a transaction that will save you from a painful punishment?

[It is that] you believe in Allah and His Messenger and strive in the cause of Allah with your wealth and your lives. That is best for you, if you should know.

He will forgive for you your sins and admit you to gardens beneath which rivers flow and pleasant dwellings in gardens of perpetual residence. That is the great attainment.

As Saff (61:10-12)

InsyaAllah , may what we did , will be traded with something rewarding ameeen.

The SCUK theme 'The Golden Trade'

I believe that everyone had their take home messages with them and I believe what's mine for now is the urge of leaving jahiliyyah ( things that you enjoyed yet you know its not beneficial for you T.T ) behind and to replace them with something beneficial . I took so much time sitting in a comfort zone mixing both jahiliyah and what's haq ( the truth ) with excuses that ' Allah sees my efforts ' when actually its a mere excuses for myself , because I show no effort and felt that doing jahiliyyah in moderation wouldn't matter. 

when it does. 

When there's this one slot , talking about jahiliyyah and Al-Quran.

The participants standing in front each other and they need to recite Al-Quran , supplied by the light from the candle. Just like how other muhasabah are done but this time around, there's a significant difference , there's Al-Quran that need to be recited. Each time a jahiliyyah was mentioned , and if the mentioned jahiliyyah is a part of them, they need to take a step behind and if and only I am the participant , I am perhaps, one of the people that will take many steps behind and be in denial because I am ashamed with the others. 

and the more steps they took , its harder for them to recite the Quran. 

Its a simulation that is much clearer than the real life practice. Because in real life , we hardly see how actually jahiliyyah is making us very far from the truth. We created all the blurry lines , invented a grey line between what is right and what is wrong and felt totally okay living in that grey area. 

I know I need to put a halt to this , time is running out , I never know when death is coming.

I don't want to be among those who regret upon their life time , 

But I know it myself that it is very hard , really. Its like detaching something so close to your heart, its like changing your habits. But the longer I delay when knowing its not okay to delay is so disturbing. 

And doing this alone is really hard. I am in need of a support. 

And Mukhayyam ( Mukhtar 17 ) is just a perfect fit to fill in the spaces inside the weak heart of mine. 


Each time I am looking at them, especially those who're really close to me ever since preparation years, that struggles A LOT , and I signify the changes , I know they struggles too but they are vividly trying to make themselves better. 

The lowest level of friendship that if you satisfy this , things will start to fall into places ,which 

 ' is to have good thoughts ( bersangka baik ) about your friend ' .

It may sounds easy but never easy to be done , but there's a need to train yourself to have good thoughts about your friends. 

it starts with 'bersangka baik' , and the highest level of it is you are putting them first , first before you. 

And its very comforting to know the reason why we were there , is because we shared the same aim , and its very sad to face the reality that it ended already. 

I initially thought that Mukhayyam would be a torturing experience, because the meaning of Mukhayyam alone is 'perkhemahan' and it sounds so activity-based which I am clearly not so into it. But all the thoughts being washed away by a very heart-warming theme of 'friendship' 

I enjoyed every bits of it, and can't never thank Allah enough for the opportunity to be there. 

I see myself 'growing up' in this journey. 

Someone who is really petty when it comes to spending money but don't mind spending almost £100 to be there - and indirectly omitting Spring holiday ( I need to focus on my exams too anyway ) , travelled at least 5 hours from Cardiff to reach Sheffield . Someone who finds it very hard to share spaces with people but through out these 3 years, felt at ease to do so. 

I met people with chains of good traits. 

I remembered the day we had an ad hock meeting to revise back the tentative for SCUK, and there's a need to omit some parts of it in order to deliver the objectives set. And I was worried and concerned  that the people in charge of the activity will feel bad if we had to change the tentative, but it brings me to tears when my mas'ullah ( the director ) told me that they voluntarily scrap off their activity from the list to make way for the relevant change to take place, when I know they put so much effort in preparing for the activity. 

knowing that it's not easy to do so. I am touched. 

At that time , I looked up to the sky , 

'Allah, sungguh orang orang ini sedang sangat memudahkan urusan orang lain'

dan mudahkanlah untuk mereka setiap urusan mereka.

Jazakunallah hu khayran katheera to each and everyone of you, from the participants for SCUK, for all the JK's , my SCUK families , the kakak kakak behind Mukhayyam , my soul sisters till jannah. 

Appreciation post 

To Kak Syawal and Kak Aishah , in case you're reading this through

Jzkk khayr to both of you. I learnt a lot, though I am very slow at it, because I was too overwhelmed by my own 'awkwardness phase' dealing with both of you. Knowing I don't do much , you both tolerated me so well and I am so grateful to be in this team and for trusting me to be in this position, may Allah reward both of you immensely 

Meet my roomates for Mukhayyam - Bilik 1 , fun fact - Dari kiri - Kak Farihah ( Mas'ullah SCUK 2016 ), Anis Najwa mihihi ( Vice Mas'ullah SCUK 17 ) and Kak Syawal ( Mas'ullah SCUK  17 )

To My SCUK families , the JK's and facilitators 

I am humbled by everyone's effort for making SCUK a great success for me and I believe for many. Success is not measured just by ticking off the planned things , but to leave a deep mark inside the heart and insyaAllah will be a spark for everyone else to be a better person. I signify your efforts and struggles and may we be the witnesses to each other's effort in akhirah later 

Not all of the JKs but almost all of them :) 

To the participants of SCUK 2017

Spring Camp used to be the place that makes me see a different dimension to Al-Quran , I got the same input when I was in my first year, Muqaddimah Fi Zillal by Syed Quttub , and hearing to the same thing for the second time reminds me of that good feeling I missed. And as it sparks something inside me , I hope you will feel the same. We all struggles insyaAllah , despite at what stage we are at. And its never too late to start now. 

I am touched when one of the participant who initially gave up a precious item which I was told that it was costly ( and it was a part of her jahiliyyah ) for the purpose of the 'golden trade' , at the end of the program when we wanted to give them back the item , she said 'I don't want this anymore' 

May Allah give all of us the strength to keep going and remain steadfast in the journey of acquiring redha Allah. 

Always note to yourself that there must be a reason why Allah puts you there and always believe that there is something Allah wants you to learn from it insyaAllah :) 

And may Allah see all of our efforts as the 'golden trade' and insyaAllah yakinlah dengan Allah yang pulangannya jauh lebih baik dari sekotak M&M :) 

To My Soul Sisters to Jannah ( Kakak Kakak yang berusaha untuk Mukhayyam & fellow sisters )

My WSW families :) 

My groupmates :) The Shadows 

I remembered those days I attended daurah and met so many unfamiliar faces, that later I realized these people are the people I wanted to be with the paradise. You never knew how each and everyone of you had taught and changed me , on the outside and most importantly in the inside. I adore every conversations established with my fellow akhawats -because they speaks good words, and heart warming , even if they are trying to correct you , they do it with love and hikmah , and you felt totally okay ( tak terasa or anything ) , because you know they are doing that not to bring you down but to make you a better you. 

Jzkk khayr semua :') 

Moga nanti kita gather dekat syurga, sorang satu bawak KFC original , and spicy plus the cheesy wedges, the coleslaw and mashed potatoes and kenalkan dekat Umar Al Khattab ( dengan harapan orang lain kenalkan benda lain pulak ) 

Self babbling ramblings

tidak normal

April 11, 2017

Semalam scroll facebook nampak satu link ni , pasal 'mental healthiness' , one serious link , sebab selalu suka je buat kuiz facebook yang vaguely fettering people , for example ,

' Anda kelihatan seperti... Beyonce' urgh tipunya. Its Beyonce who looks like me. 😝 eheee. 

Starting to admit that there's a clear boundary between your faith towards your belief and mental disorder. I am getting concerned because it shows ' Tidak normal ' for the majority score of 'sederhana' , 

how it feels like for those who're under the shadow of the black dog / depression and stuck in that room without figuring out a way out to that misery. May Allah ease those with whatever struggles they're facing right now. 

And I was quite alhamdulillah lucky to still have control over my emotions. And fighting back the negative vibes. Sometimes I seems to assert the symptoms I am experiencing as simply laziness , ie laying on bed all day, not wanting to wake up , find no reasons to wake up and pro long the sleep. 

The last question from the set of questions caught my eyes 

' Find no reason to live anymore ' 

Ticked 'Tak pernah' because I am having abudance of reasons to stay alive insyaAllah. Haven't really sowed good deeds or much preparation for the hereafter. I have so many things ahead me , with Allah will insyaAllah. 

For those who have control over their own state of emotion , be wary of excessive happiness nor sadness. 

We can get through this insyaAllah ! 

InsyaAllah after few days home, its time to refresh the long lost thoughts , will be going to Sheffield for the rest of the week for Spring Camp and Mukhayyam Akhawat ! 

Its been a very tough ride for me , as a vice director cum secretary for the camp , I rarely up for JK's position since I see myself more like a bridge between the camp and the beneficiaries instead of the brick for the bridge itself. 

I don't do many to be honest 😔 , very slow with overseeing stuff as a whole , sitting in a very comfort zone as a secretary * I enjoyed the secretary position more to be honest 😑 * , very very slow with the budget and hardly responded to many conversations , I had this one anxiety of seeing too many whatssap conversation hahaha 😅

that explains why I prefer people to contact me via email , even instagram is choking me. I just dislike the vibes it delivers. 

anyway pray for me and for the rest of the team. 

Sungguh insan insan ni dah berusaha sebaiknya , maka Allah selayaknya sebagai sebaik baik perancang. 🙆

Doakan :) 

this side of me

ameltz yoko yoko

April 09, 2017

Penat sebenarnya kadang kadang restrain diri sendiri daripada nak freely buat semua benda yang hati nak sangat buat. 

Kadang nak meluahkan pada manusia tapi teringat janji dan dinding yang dah dibina , belum cukup kukuh  , showing a clear sign of 'Don't Najwa just don't' pastu terus keep dengan diri sendiri , sebenarnya cerita dia ego je. 

dah lama tak acknowledge sisi emosi diri sendiri. Sebab kadang tu rasa macam tolerate jelah perasaan tu , tolerate je apa jua perkara, dan tak boleh nak bottle up any of those feelings sebab takut burst tak tentu masa. Selama ni rasa macam dah cukup sado dan rasa macam emosi dah cukup stabil. 

dan sampai tahap dah tak boleh nak identify certain reaction/emotion for certain act. 

akhirnya rasa sedih tanpa tahu kenapa. 

dan banyak kali dah sapu ameltz yoko yoko dan seangkatan minyak angin atas dada

dengan harapan kesedihan tu akan hilang

dan kadang sebab tahap kebergantungan pada botol kecik putih biru tu sangatlah tinggi , 

sakit tu hilang dan pergi. 



Seperti cinta...

April 05, 2017

Just arrived home this evening after a long refreshing weekend , in Birmingham and London for different programmes , though our three days two nights in London were planned at 2.00 am in the morning. 

'Dakwah seperti cinta , dan cinta akan meminta semuanya darimu' 

I ( repetitively) watched the video made by our talented regional head for Majlis Perwakilan Nasional IKRAM UKE , and I remembered few days before when they asked us to fill in the 'fun survey' and though it was named 'fun' for reasons we don't know why, it was quite a serious moment where I specifically had a long thought about what IKRAM UKE meant to me.

Have a look :) [ click this ]

I wouldn't mind though to be labelled as 'budak usrah' though me in the past had this negative thoughts on these circles of people , because to me or perhaps to the others in the same circle, this is one of the tiniest effort we're doing in acquiring knowledge and slowly walking back to the Al Mighty , together.

All these mixed feelings, leaving the UK means leaving the place where I get to know Islam and tarbiyah. Ironically in this side of the world , I finally know why I am living to this very day.  With people who defy all my bad thoughts and perception with their efforts and warmness they offered.

I acknowledge the dark past I had , but Allah gave me this chance, still makes my heart inclined to stay in this journey. Its a bitter sweet journey for me, a journey that requires me to leave behind the jahiliyyah side of me, its been there forever in you but knowing there's a clear distinction between what is haq ( the truth ) and the batil ( the lies ) and there's no grey line to it , you know you need to be strong and in need of people's support to remain steadfast

and He sends me a group of human that acknowledged the struggles because they are struggling to. They welcomed you with whatever starting points you had. And they never leaves you behind, but  you always need to keep it in your mind, its really not a one way relationship though , you yourself need to pour your heart out and put effort to be in this journey.

Kan dakwah itu cinta.
Yang sedang menuntut segala perihal darimu.

Hakikatnya semua orang insyaAllah sedang berusaha untuk mencapai redha Allah

Dan kita manusia akan selalu berusaha untuk perkara yang pulangannya

' worth the while '

* nak nangis boleh tak *