Eh eh dah nak final ?!

Takpayah nak eh eh sangat mungkin.

Olla blog , its been so long I guess. Since the last rant - the last repenting story. Dulu ada la kot masa masa sedih cari blog pastu karang ayat sambil menitis air mata . Tapi sekarang nak layan sedih pun macam tak sempat. 

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I guess my life is taken by another so-called-creature - Alevels. It possessed me completely. Bangun pagi Alevel , nak tidur  Alevel . Dalam tidur pun economics circulating inside my head. Woa. Looking at how my files and notes on my bed , sharing my only and precious mates , my dearest beds and pillows. I finally got a grip on how messy my life had been for the past few weeks + months 

Well. Guess this is a life or what. Kadang tu rasa nak nangis tanpa sebab. Kadang tu clueless-ly nangis sebab that's the only way to express all the mixed and mashed thoughts you had in your head and you just wanna spill the tears off. And done. Nak nangis sebab macam penat. Bukan macam , memang penat. 

Dulu SPM pun tak rasa penat camni kot. Maybe because I'm growing older and started to realize this is sort of like a bigger responsibility - with crucial road flying over the sea and the fact that Malaysian taxpayers paying for my education fees , the tense is staking up - and saying that I might die with this kind of tense sounds so wrong as I am still breathing oxygen the moment I am writing this. 

I ever wondered kenapa dulu tak nampak seniors * masa semester 2 * , are they like super super busy and they shut themselves off from the public and NOW I KNOW WHY. I hardly seen myself in public though , boleh kira berapa banyak kali menapak Sunway dan adik beradik sewaktu dengannya. Maybe its just me that having sort of boring life memang pengabdian seratus peratus terhadap Alevel semata <-- exaggerating kah kah . Tapi ini serious. The fact that I started to make myself aware with the tense and lebih tawadhu terhadap mencari dan memanfaatkan ilmu , is kinda good I hope so. 

So finals starts next 2 weeks. Which tomorrow , pagi Ahad yang indah diserikan dengan paper Islamic Studies. Here I am still figuring things out kenapa nak kena buat paper Ahad pagi. Its AHAD yknow. Its holiday. Holiday and exam shouldn't be an equation. I have 10 papers in total , 4 for Economics , 2 for English , 2 for Law and 2 for History. A combo of reading subjects and yeah as long there's no math , I can still smile and cry at the same time. When there's math , there's only tears and tense. Here again , hyperbole. 

Mohon mata dan jasad yang membaca untuk mendoakan saya. Memaafkan setiap bicara kata and salah laku , mungkin boleh ajak one to one later. Kuings. 

Dah nak habis dah 2 tahun , mixed feelings - sedih gembira takut excited penat sayu semua. Mungkin nanti dialog akan berubah ikut masa

Lamanya dua tahun prep years.
Alaaa baru semester 2.
Eh dah semester 3 dah.
Eh dah habis dah IELTS? Dah lepas dah LNAT? Dah mohon dah university?
Alhamdulillah dah dapat placement.
OIHHHH TRIALS OEMGGEGEGEEEH
Yay dah habis trials. Oh god nak final.
Eh BTN tak jadi. Nanti bulan lapan.
 And yeah , though belum habis final . I am finally an alumni of Intec Education College :D
Life could never be easy. Thinking that I could never make it through but I finally did it.
Now , EH EH DAH NAK FINAL?!?
dah nak habis dah ke dua tahun? 

Soon the dialogue mungkin mengundang air mata , harapnya air mata gembira.

Hijrah yang payah.

Today I saw a friend of mine take a great step in her life by covering her aurah and she make me ponder upon her changes. She started like months ago , covering her hair with a piece of selendang - and now she fully covered her hair :) 

Living here in intec , despite having more than enough religious program ( which include talk , tazkirah , usrah etc ) I can't never deny the surrounding was not really supporting such hijrah or which I can say , its a like a liberal surrounding . Unlike schools , in colleges no one enforce written rules and regulation  to cover your aurah. They only include things like - memakai pakaian yang sopan , tidak menjolok mata etc etc. 

Living in boarding school to be exact in Selandar , memang takkanlah kot nampak girls free hair around the schools sebab its enforced by the rules. Siap dengan piawaian tudung kena lepas bahu - kena dua jari dari bahu and all that so you can't really see who wears it willingly or by force sebab kau nampak semua bertudung litup. So di mata ini , I can't really see hijrah yang payah. Meskipun mungkin ada kot yang macam culture shocked sebab kena pakai tudung semua , like how I started to wear hijab permanently when I entered high highschool though I reached the maturity line earlier. Mungkin antara bentuk hijrah yang vivid dekat sekolah is when someone changed the degree of kemuslimahan , like they started to wear hand socks and tudung yang lebih labuh. As wearing socks are compulsory when I was in form 2 or form 3 sebab out of sudden ada senior lelaki kemukakan pada HEM about kaki perempuan ialah aurat. I saw many people rebelling on that. I still remember some of the girls even showed their legs with socks to the guys with memek muka 

hahh nahh aku dah pakai stokin kau nak cakap apa lagi sekarang. 

Hijrah terasa payah dari kaki yang bogel ke kaki yang ditutup helaian kain , pada waktu itu. 

As time passes by , pakai stokin tu dah jadi macam habit. y'know that wearing a sandals would seems incomplete without the socks on. Dan kadangkala bukan sebab kita aware yang kaki tu aurat. At least to me back then. 

Tapi , 

Bila masuk intec , my views on people outfits become wider. Dari seluar skinny ke skirt labuh. Dari baju mini ke baju jubah. Dari tanpa kain di kepala hingga ke tudung melepasi siku.  Dan variasi pemakaian baik lelaki baik perempuan. Menjinakkan diri dengan terms seperti hipster dan sebagainya. Which to some people , they might be so scared sebab its a whole new world for them but to me it is good. Sebab this is the real life seeing people , how they decide on what they should wear without any rules and regulations. So back to the friend of mine who changed her outfit according the religion guideline. I saw many of my friends who changed their outfit , some drastically , some gradually and some ada yang on off bertudung tak bertudung. 

Dalam benak , " Mesti hijrah diaorang ni terasa payah "

So i asked one of my friend , what makes she changed her looks? To be precise what makes her to wear hijab?

She's a boarding school student , yang dulu pakai je tudung dalam sekolah ikut piawaian sekolah. What make her change is through dreams when the same people in the dream at different places hand in her a scarf saying that she left it behind and she asked her sister whether she should start to wear hijab again , and this time around bukan sebab ikut piawaian duniawi tapi ikut piawaian Tuhan. It was hard for her at first sebab she's used to the surrounding yang you simply high five anyone ( means there's a physical touch ) with the non muhrim. Because deep down she knows its a big step that she takes , bertudung maksudnya you've known your limits and bukan sebab , its merely putting a scarf on your head.

Well I know its hard. Its really hard. 

Then I asked about our another friend that recently changed to good to and she answered , 

For her , the pressure to wear tudung bug her even more than the pressure to stay free hair and she just can't stand the thoughts that keep bugging her head and she drastically changed. 

Voila. 

It amazed me sebab I witness all these things here in intec where I see people changed because they want to change and not because they're pressured by any human entities and surrounded by the surrounding yang tak berapa menjadi asbab kepada kenapa diaorang berubah. Berhadapan dengan mata mata sinis yang pandangannya lebih tajam dari kata kata. Berhadapan dengan soalan soalan , why you change. what makes you change. why change? 


Hijrah ni payah. Serious. It took courage , determination , supports . Which I am amazed with them , because they're able to see how they climb one stage better in their life as a muslim . Bukannya nak kata diri sendiri yang bertudung sejak dari awal ni  , I mean kecik , awal remaja is not good , but back at those times , we don't really care about our responsibility as a muslim and most of us start wearing scarf because our parents wants us to do so and not because we know yang menutup aurat itu wajib. But changing at this age , at the age of 20 , you've win a battle between you know that covering aurah is compulsory but you haven't meet that stage , but you know you need to - tapi surrounded by factors yang pulling you down , but yet at the end you survived. Bunyi macam payah kan? 

Memang payah. Kalau kau goyah , mungkin akan patah.
Mungkin berpatah balik pada dunia yang kau rasa tak susah. 

Hijrah yang payah tapi moga dimudahkan hati hati yang sentiasa ingin berubah kearah kebaikan. Bless the strong hearts with strong determination. Bless their changes. Moga pulangannya baik baik. 

April dan kecelaruan hidup.

I found its hard to keep this thing updated - dengan browser tengah hadap masalah. Kadang tu nak tulis pepanjang tapi mood tengah bercampur antara tuntutan membuat nota economics dan law sambil memikir pengakhiran research paper English. Ni kalau ada relationship ni entah mana nak selit lovey dovey love is in the air moment.

See how complicated the relationship between me and A-levels. 

Masih belum hadap any mental breakdown berhadapan dengan result trials haha. Though I am about to question myself , betul ke kau nak major law ni anis najwa. * angguk perlahan lahan * . Suprisingly my law paper shocked me to half death kah kah. I thought i did bad for my paper 2 and did better in paper 1 , and when everything is out TADADADA terbalik !

WWWWHUUUUT.




Nangis aaa jap.
T________________________________________________________T


The moment when I am writing this , sebenarnya tengah clueless dengan kehidupan sendiri. i could not afford a sadder life than this. I am at the peak of 19th going towards 20 * insert the whining and crying session here * . Banyak sebenarnya thoughts dalam kepala. Yang aku taktahu sebenarnya wajar tak nak spill on human ke , social nets or let it just be questions inside my head. Okaylah bunyi clueless sangat ni. 

Adakah Alevels membuatkan emosi menjadi sebegini rupa. mungkin. Entah. Entah.  Celaru betul diri sendiri. Moga cepat sembuh simptom simptom kekeliruan tentang kehidupan. i am practically , emotionally stable . i am living a good life. Pretty good life. i bet. 

When you want it for most. 
There's no easy way out. 
Have faith. Cardiff University , 2014. 

Hearing to Doa Seorang Kekasih after so long... And. Something ache inside. ngeh.