..........................You may click X before even reading it , she's half mental now............................


Have you ever obsessed dengan diri sendiri after shower because you smells so nice that you wanted to shower more sebab you're overwhelmed by the good smell har har har why I'm being so weird right now. 

This is like another post yang came up without the tittle , kira aku rasa nak randomly menulis tanpa perlu berfikir tajuk yang sesuai untuk ditulis. After going through few weeks detaching dari social medias aku rasa dia bagi good impact pada diri sendiri , I hardly see myself scroll social medias lelama sebab I'm used to the loosen attachment but darn it someone just scrolled someone's 160++ past weeks. 

and dia tengah rasa pathethic dengan hidup diri sendiri. 

so

she decided to take a bath and had a reflection over 10 minutes under the hot shower , 

yang dia salah untuk rasa pathethic sebab sewajarnya dia bersyukur dengan kehidupan yang dia ada. Pastu mulalah dia nak pujuk diri sendiri , kata itu FITRAH , fitrah untuk rasa cemburu rasa nak lebih dari apa yang dia ada... but wait a sec. 

fitrah tu balik kepada benda yang baik. kau rasa pathethic - indirectly macam tak bersyukur and kau timbal balikkan being ungrateful dengan fitrah itself. 

Manusia manusia. 
Susah sebenarnya fasa nak mendidik diri sendiri untuk hidup dengan kecukupan yang Allah bagi. 
Dia tak bagi sekarang simply sebab you will not cope it well kalau Allah bagi sekarang. 
dan susahnya manusia tu kan nak bersangka baik dengan Tuhan? cakap macam reti , sembang najwa sembang - buktikan ! 


aku tahlah fasa tengah marah diri sendiri sebab the innerself was crying out loud sebab rasa looser tahap apa. This is not something I usually wrote up here. Tapi yeah I got to let my future me see she defeated the negative aura away. 

Mula rasa looser sebab tadi pergi kursus kahwin. end the speculation aku tak pulak nak kahwin sekarang , pergi simply sebab murah dan sehari so that explains why.  Tapi ustaz tu pulak cakap kalau tak jumpa masa belajar susah nak jumpa lepas belajar. Pastu aku macam berhuhu menangis sendirian dalam gelak tawa yang diada adakan. Hahahah manusia kan , dia nak lah macam sedapkan hati whatsoevs it is. 

enough pressures enough. Mungkin aku terlalu hidup dalam aliran masyarakat yang indirectly membentuk pemikiran pathethic ini - dan sebenarnya okay je pun kalau sorang tahhhhh kau kenapa macam hilang arah heh 

The thunder that heals.

I'm not liking who I became for the past few weeks. I used to feel happy when I'm detaching from these whole idea of being 'social' in the virtual world which that include the 'me' who love to store things in writing , hence the reason why I kinda abandoned this blog 

Well actually bila run through balik the days in the past , I'm actually fitting in a quite  good pace tapi still not achieving the satisfactory part. Something is missing and unfortunately I don't know who - what - why and having this kind of feeling is definitely not to my liking 

even creating a tittle for a post is such a hard thing to do ! 

( najwa hambar level negatif ) 

so dalam banyak banyak benda yang berlaku sepanjang nak dekat dua bulan dekat Cardiff ni , satu benda kot yang masih tertulis dalam kepala dok rewind dari last week is when I came across Ar Ra'd masa ber-Ayyash last week ( psst Ayyash is my usrah group name ) ( kewl kids joins usrah ) ( tetiba haha ) 

" Senangnya Allah nak pujuk hati ni " 

For the past few months jugak aku draft banyak benda konon macam wishlist second year - antaranya ialah cut contact with people , this girl here knows that one source of her happiness is always humans , however according to her past , her ego which are not that high sebenarnya , and stigma ( I came across this word A LOT DALAM LABOUR LAW * muntah jap * ) yang human literally disappoint and it aligned with what she experience hence cutting contact with people which I literally did. How can I even have a wishlist of cutting contacts at the first place I wonder ( emoticon mata senget sebelah ahhahaha muka mencebik )  

Adalah satu fasa tu memang macam I read all kinds of conversation but choose to stay in silent sebab this painful feeling I had inside me , memang rasa macam intoxicated habis masa tu , like this one harmful toxic possessed my body and memang rasa macam jahat ya ampun lols padahal kadang no one even bother pun kau ada tak ( hahahahah still with the thoughts ) ( still ) ( harmful ) 

Dia macam all those feelings of being abandoned + the one who usually initiates + yang selalu shamelessly rindu dulu + the one who starts + yang selalu rasa syok sendiri  = which nak tak nak  kau indirectly rasa macam gave up sebab no one ever notices you ( first ) in their life because you're never their choice to tells stories or anything . It was all piling up jadi stress and I guess I meet the boiling point takat tahap didih manusia and burst (like every time ) ( like a depressed person ) ( but admitting that I was depressed sounds like I fail to take control over myself ) ( sounds like so human ) ( but still , you're a human najwa ) 

and I decided to just shut myself off. Like that 

Tapi Allah jumpakan dengan ayat yang maybe I've came acrossed before since I bookmarked one ayat from the same page ( 13:28 dengan mengingati Allah , hati akan menjadi tenang ) , through someone else , it affects me tahap macam why I bother being so egoistic just because of the crossed equation above ?!

sebab He consoled me even way before my existence : Nota bukan nota kaki : note that this is how I personally  understand and perceive the ayat ( tadabbur ) 

right from 13:19 - up till 13:28 ( berdebuk debuk tergolek * golek lagi atas jalan tar * ) 






right on my face , just right on MA FACE ! right on your face gurlsz ! 
(ingat nak copy paste ayat dalam internet but it happened that the translations gives me different kind of vibes compared to the wording dalam Quran sendiri , perhaps its my eyes being choosy haha ) 

All of sudden rasa macam chilled gila dengan ayat ayat ni , because all these while , of being the one yang initiate , yang menyambungkan well at least I felt that mungkin tak pada orang lain , is what Allah wants me to do , untuk jadi orang yang Allah kata " berakal sempurna " tu , dia antara ciri ciri orang tu ialah " yang menyambungkan apa yang perlu disambungkan " ie a relationship , name it , friendship / relation of anything , bahasa puitisnya 'silaturahim ' 

and for being those who disconnect , the person must expect bad rewards for being so ( 13: 25 ) 

What is it of being ego all these while ? 

" Tak pernah pun salah jadi orang yang selalu give in dulu , tak pernah pun its a shameful thing if you're the one yang selalu initiate something , yang rasa you're giving more love more than anyone , and its okay for being the one who start the conversation breaking the silence , being the random one , being the one that thinks " amende aku nak bual dengan dia ni" but still choose to say hi and talk about everything. Sebab that is what we , humans shall do . " 

Being ego leads you no where , entahlah , mungkin aku spesies manusia yang tak berapa nak kental dengan motion motion friendship ni , ego mungkin once in the greymoon ( since moon always grey ) ( so being egoistic happen like all the time ) ( ahahhahahahhha my logic ) makes you feel HAHH PUAS HATI AKU , but often - it harms you more > more > more , I dont know how it might affect you being surely in most cases , it affects you negatively? yay? nay? 

so in case , we're sharing the same kind of shoes , being in the same kind of boat

I'm writing this down sebab aku rasa ada je orang yang share the same feeling , and my way of being healed was through Ar Ra'd , it was the thunder that struck inside my head , connected terpanah masuk hati aicewah hahahha :p 

Make your heart at rest , kalau takde siapa yang pujuk , kalau takde siapa yang bother , He consoles You , even way before your existence dalam dunia. Its okay being the first in initiating , yang give in , yang gave up your own feeling , yang apologize first , yang mengalah dulu , because you're definitely , definite ( ni bukan aku pun janji , ni Allah janji ) in the list of orang yang akal dia sempurna , orang yang Allah expect a human to be ( in what way ) and expect je aaa a never ending good rewards for being the one :) 

I in the past , in fact sekarang pun kenkadang tu , never felt how powerful Allah words are tahap consoling yang terkesan sampai hati. But this time around , this is , one of the page in Quran  that amused me , heals me ( completely insyaAllah ) , maybe I was messed up by all these negative thoughts and tak pernah sekali pun jumpa jalan keluar on this issue , sebab by the time I choose to speak up , kadang was still ignored and again all the negative vibes and thoughts running actively inside the head. 

But not anymore kot sekarang. Tah. ( k boleh la menangis sat ahhahaha ) ( sebab I let it out ) ( sebab I'm able to write the exact feeling I'm feeling inside me ) ( again ) ( after all the hanging post ) 

ps ; I'm writing this down during a sleepless night , I got my power sleep right after isyak ( isyak sekarang kat kardipp pukul ( even earlier than )  6.00pm - Idk winter starts or winter approaching but the night is longer than the day - this never make sense to me masa belajar geog dulu hahaha alhamdulillah Allah bagi rasa )

and 
they said it was your heart speaking pepagi camni ( kuiiii ) amboi level 98  

So,

Its beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen so long and I guess that will fit as the introduction for every post coming up later ( or not )

its November and I only wrote like twice in October and I feel okay with that. Attachment longar 2.3 

Its a mixed feeling I had now , patut hari ni rasa macam happy sebab dah submit assignment but it was my bad jugak mashed things up to the last minute , weekend pun bergolek golek tak buat apa ( this is sad I know ) and the workloads piled up and luckily I don't burst and I promised myself to keep my books back on the shelf bila balik je dari kelas - dari tutorial - dari hantar assignment , but I choose to seek for the healing voices all the way from Malaysia because that's the only thing that kinda sooth the lingering feeling. And currently there's like piles of law books on the table and my fingers are dancing on the laptop 

Ini pun aku rasa dah malas nak express. 
so,