Running 🏃

I must say that the internet kinda like getting better - way better than before . At least now I am not waiting for eleven years six days to pass that I'm finally able to see this page popping up. 

Had to put this here. Because I just love it ha-ha narcissist 
These few days I have started running both in physical and virtual life. 

I would spent almost half an hour a day to basically walk and run on the treadmill and initially it was because I miss Cardiff a lot. Its not that I run in Cardiff that frequent , plus I am just not that fast in pace, I did run and walk for couple of times at the Maindy centre. But I walked a lot in Cardiff, I enjoyed my time walking to the city and the walk seems so frequent towards the end , like the day after a day I found myself walking (again) to the city for various reasons. 

Hence each time I started running, blankly starring the window since its faced that way, I put on my headphone which I rarely used back in the UK , you can tell it from where I put the headphone , kept nicely in the bottom drawer ha ha. 

I will start imagining Cardiff, with all the songs I used to play en route to wherever I am walking. 

And I guess my mom was happy seeing me on the treadmill , on the first walk she kinda asked/told my brother about it and my brother sent me lists of this dieting stuff, but honestly, I dislike it.

I started walking because I feel like doing so, and strangely I dislike the supports and encouragement. Its good but I kinda attached those feelings with what I felt back in highschool. 100M and 400M seems torturing enough with all the people by your side either cheering or booing or whatever they did waiting ages for me to complete the run. 

So I kinda appreciate supports and encouragement in prayers. Like just stay in silence, I prefer it to be that way. 

And running in the real life seems to be way easier than running from the virtual life. 

I had a fling with someone, I don't want to even call it a love because it was clearly not that. But I guess as usual , I am stuck in that moving on phase, like I keep checking on someone who clearly disrespected me in many sense, but I guess I was lingered by the feeling of *finally* being wanted by somebody. 

And what makes it harder is that I cling a lot on people , and he came at the time when I was standing firmly and independently from having to share my thoughts , my days with human. 

That's where I started to consciously loosing control over myself. 

I *temporarily* found a place where I look forward for replies over simple messages like Good Morning, How Are You and etc. And now the phase kinda not stay long just as what I expected and indirectly hoped for , and now come the toughest part, which to build back the wall and detach completely. 

I am among those over-thinkers and I am comfortable enough to take all the blame for not able to get my head  straight. One day I thought , that's it lets put a stop to this , then to find a simple morning wish popping up on the screen, and ( not again please ) 

And as I was eating the fried chicken from the night market yesterday, I guess it should be one of the greatest reason for me to completely withdraw myself from this miseries, like how even? 

Because if I were to end up with this person, I might find myself leaving Malaysia again, and I will miss the night market vibes plus there's high tendency that I'll be eating salads and all those healthy things for the rest of my life. 

Sounds good to some ey? Not me. 

Ha ha ha I guess there is a need for myself personally to write this thing down here, this might be the vague idea of how these non important things are filling every parts of my brains, which I dislike it. 

I haven't really talk about this feelings-heart-related stuff for quite sometime. And I actually love it to be that way, stays that way. 

I dislike putting my values on someone so uncertain, I definitely know that I'll be successful on my own, I can be happy on my own , and everything is just possible to be achieved, aside from biological context of having offspring, that's just another part of the story. 

I am taking control over myself, and found myself to be in this journey because I choose to please Him more than pleasing him. And for all the courages and steps I took away from this person, I always hope that it will be repaid with somebody that worth the while. 

And lets just say its not here in this world, may He instil patience in me, happiness in me along the journey. I have so many things ahead me to be accomplished , and I need to trust Him for the instincts He gave me. 

I am teaching myself over and over again that the courages and steps I took were clearly a sign of love. He loved me and He cared so much, that He refrains me from doing things I wasn't supposed to do. 

And for that, be grateful and be happy Anis Najwa. 

This time of the year going to get rough, but keep running. 

Love, the'ann

Life for the past few weeks and lesson learnt

Its been really a while since I write something inside here, I've been trying to load the page for ages when I'm in Melaka , the result is frustrating enough that I decided to do other things aside from writing inside the blog. Been writing here and there, main tumblr account, secret tumblr account ( lol ) , even notes inside the phone and the tab. 

Basically its everywhere and I couldn't keep track of the writings. Emotions are wrecking up these days but I'm settling down well here in Malaysia 

Its been like two weeks I guess ( excuse my poor calculation ) and this week is the first weekend I spent home , I mean with my family around, the first weekend I was away in Kelantan, and the next weekend at Universiti Putra Malaysia for Journey of a Muslim (JOM #JOM2017 ) and another three days at Batu 14 Hulu Langat for weekdays ( literally ) retreat. 

Honestly speaking, I personally felt that I am straying away from the religion path, I'm kinda in a phase of being tested for things that really test my concious mind, and I guess there's a need for me to surround myself with people whom I know, will help me to get back in the righteous track.

I know I can't rely to such support forever to stay firm with what I choose to believe in, but I see the weekdays retreat as an opportunity for me to kinda save myself ( ha ha ha ) 

And there's two things I would love to share , from the three days of retreat is first what I got from the Baitul Muslim session and next the reality check of society and how missionaries are going so far ( dakwah ) 

So in case you're not familiar with this Baitul Muslim or most of us acronymed it as BM, its basically a marriage - unification between a man and a woman. And I love this one point that kept being repeated through the whole session, 

Before you find your other half, or in your journey of seeking for the one, build a very strong connection between you and The One, with that big T an O I am speaking about Allah.

Go and recheck your relationship with the Al Mighty and fix what need to be fixed. When you excellently take care of this part, with Allah will, everything that comes next will fall into the right place at the right time. 

And this reminds me of a simple comment ( which I forgot to reply ) on my last blog post in the UK , which I posted the link on facebook, my kakak usrah left a simple comment yet it kinda struck inside me and its like a melody that keeps playing inside my head

' Take a good care of Allah and Allah will take a good care of you' 

not the exact wording but that's the jist of it 

So everytime I was lazying around, like all these while in the UK because of the praying time changed every single time and day, with no azan and whatnot, most of the time, I'll try my very best to pray earliest possible. And the situation is somewhat different in Malaysia , and the phrase kinda pushes me, and I'll always say to myself, if you want your affairs to be taken into Allah consideration, love and to be prioritized among other people's concern in this world, then prioritize Him and take a good care of what He deserve. He deserve the best. 

And next is about the reality of dakwah / missionaries on the ground in Malaysia. 

I guess what scares me the most is when the third panelist speaks about all the things I considered 'biasa dengar' or often we write down in different Malay and English SPM essays, about all these social problems occurring inside the society .

After three years in the UK, and each time when I kinda feel like I'm being tested with my faith, I guess for now, with Allah's mercy its not even comparable between the reality happening on the ground. Child outside the wedlock, open sex and whatever strings attached to the motion, it kinda hits me hard. 

There's a need for me to count the blessings, that Allah gives me a good circle of friends and surrounding but at the same time, the urge to dive inside the society and to cure what can be cured. To bring back the values of Islam in the people, because all these social problems occured in our society, the malays, which majority and almost all of them born as muslim. 

And if its not among us who're blessed with the understanding about the deen to save the situation , who else? 

I guess that's it for now, at least something to ponder upon and its really good to be here again even for a very short period of time, I'm using my brother's laptop and I'm in Banting now ( the internet connection is way better than what I have in Melaka ). 

And bit of life update, currently I'm actively seeking for jobs basically to support my future, as I'm planning to do CLP and commuting from Melaka to KL everyday doesn't seems to be cost efficient - hence can I humbly request your prayers to ease this journey for me. Currently I am hoping to pass an intelligence test from a company which I am clearly just so bad at it that I doubt those IQ, EQ's I had inside my brain ( cries a river ) 

I still have so much things to write down, about my revisit camp. Hoping that I'll find time , and with no pressure, with good internet connection, but clearly I don't know when ( for now ) ( hiuh ) 

And that's it for now, till then, take care. 

Love, the'ann

Settling down

I am just way too tired from packing - from unpacking to packing, with the messed up biological clock , I am living in the valley of adrenaline rush and panicking ( oh yeah I finally remember I need to print out the bus ticket ) 

thank God I'm writing this down, I had a serious five minutes thinking what shall I print more while this internet last

Why do people still print bus tickets - making it all compulsory in papers when you can help to save the earth ( hahahhah its just you who're too lazy isn't it so finding ways giving possible excuses ) 

So I just got back , its not JUST , but it was like 4 / 3 days ago and its been so hectic. I'm going to an English camp in Kelantan tomorrow at 5.30 am ( yawning ) , part of me wanted to pull myself out because I am basically too tired , but part of me doesn't feels okay to do so. 

Hence I am going tomorrow and doing my best with all the preparations. ( why did I say yes again sorry ) 

Haha funny part of it is that I just realized that the camp for the facilitators starts on the 26th and the slow me thought it was on the 28th ha ha ha as if Kelantan is so near to Melaka / KL hahhh youu. 

Oh before I forgot ,

I got to share the clumsy episodes of my life in the UK for the very last time. I am always clumsy and had the ability to look calm when I am all chaotic inside. 

But this time around I am taking my clumsiness ( plus this short sighted lady refused to wear hear spectacles ) to a whole new level when I board TWO FREAKING WRONG train in two consecutive days , one never learn from history 

First when I was from Central London going back to Uxbridge, I am kinda sure that I saw the stop on the sign - so I board it with confidence , but suddenly at this one stop this trains stops for quite a long time and everyone leaves the train, because I was genuinely thinking that the train will stop me at the next station , I stayed inside and did feel eerie because I was alone 

Then suddenly the train changed its sign saying that it will go back to the Central London and I quickly alight from the train to find myself in a deserted train station with no human at almost 10 pm. 

I was literally clueless with that situation and decided to take an Uber ( take my £10 and save me please Uncle , had a good chat with the Uber driver and I thanked him countless of times for saving me hahaha drama queen ) , hours before my senior reminds me that not to come home too late since it can get a bit scary near the train station. 

 And the next day, on the 21st of July ,

The day I left UK for good , I departed from my seniors house on a bus straight to Terminal 3 with that super heavy bag with a broken tyre? we call it tyre? err. I was legitly thinking that the super strong Anis Najwa gone missing because all these while bringing that super heavy bag seems easier ( if all the tyres are functioning well ) , but trust me I lost half of my soul trying to bring that luggage around. alone. 

So when I arrived at Terminal 3, I quickly make my way to the Heathrow Express place to board on the direct transfer to Terminal 4. I was again caught in my miseries. As I was sitting looking outside the window, one of the staff asked me for the ticket and I said ( I already got that feeling I got the wrong train again ) I am going to Terminal 4 , and he instantly replied ' Oh this train is going to Paddington ' 

Oh well he did saw me with that cat eye looking so pitiful - 'Nevermind young lady , I'll bring you to the right place' and there you go 15 minutes of my life wasted - and as the train reached Paddington, I waited outside the train waiting for the kind man to take me to the right place, he then handed me over a staff making sure someone is looking after me so I wouldn't find myself going back again to Paddington hahahahhahahahha 

Guess what the second guy was really helpful because he saw me still sitting in the train when we were back at Terminal 3 ( we need to alight there for a direct transfer to Terminal 4 ) he waved his hands like ' hey girl come down here fast ' ahahahhahahhahahah 

And no matter how ridiculous my rare clumsiness this time, I always find its funny to see myself in such rare occasion , I am petty with the timing and whatnot, but I guess I've been missing UK even way before I leave it , so my mind was scattered around. 

Enough with the UK miseries, adapting with my very own country is a struggle too and the weather is one of the challenging thing !

Had to wait for almost half an hour or less when I arrived home , since my mother thought my estimated time of arrival was somewhere at 5.50 pm , that's what written on the itinerary anyway , but we landed somewhere around 5.25 pm and everything was smooth sailing. But I love the waiting part anyway since I wanted to be welcomed home in a dramatic way possible - I got my drama episodes already 

I even got a farewell wish from a random guy who was in  line with us in Heathrow and we've been changing smiles and smirks? hahaha Chua was like ' You know that man huh? ' no I don't haha 

I can say that one year abroad, my skin getting fairer effortlessly , I don't do any make ups except for the lipstick part neither I used any beauty products , perhaps its a bit reddish most of the time but the point is that I looked fair. But I always know that my skin will get sunburned when I return home 

and thats what happened - though I may look good on cameras, camera tell beautiful lies. 

And alhamdulillah did one day sunnat fasting here because I saw myself eating A LOT when my sister said I barely eat anything , and I have more plans ahead , next week for the IKRAM UKE pre-departure camp , but I need to see myself in that field , so I won't be among the lost ones. 

Off many things I wish that I will be occupied most of my days so I can stop thinking about matters that does not worth my time and spaces inside my head. 

Nevertheless , all praises to Allah for a bumpy - smooth sailing kind of ride all the way from the UK to Malaysia. 

I thanked every single human being who's been so good to me all these while in the UK , from Cardiff people to IKRAM UKE's family , friends, housemates, even strangers , you guys will never know how my life had been eased all these days thanks to you ( who's reading through ) 

I'll end the post with an appreciation picture for my sister who had been patiently driving me around , since my license expired last two months , renewed one today hu hu 

Love, the'ann

Last blog post in the UK ( for now )

Im writing this with my Mi pad hence the formatting doesn't seems good. I'll upload the pictures later , if I feel like editing this in the future hurhur

Its been really a while since I last posted anything here , life is so hectic for the past few. If you're following me on my social media you might as well informed that I had my graduation ceremony on Monday , my parents came on Saturday earlier and we had a day trip to Bath the next day .

 Our Bath trip was beyond amazing as we met a British couple whom my mother saw in a cruise - changed contact numbers and eventually I'm the middle person hence we set to meet Mitch and Anne at their house in Chippenham. They got lovely backyard with pears and grapes , Anne surely got a magical hand voilaaaaa

Havent opened my laptop at least for a week and sent the bulky red thing home already. Yesterday I sent my parents off to Malaysia and make my way to my seniors house near Uxbridge . A fairly fine journey but I found myself struggling to carry around the almost 30kg bag like where the tough Anis Najwa missing .

Alhamdulillah my father eased my life , he must has foreseen the misery life ahead of mine hence he took my hand carry and bring it back home. Now I am left with a bag , if people said two is better than one , I swear for this occasion one is always better.

After I dropped off my luggage at the house ( ironed my horrible looking scarf I've been walking with all day and prayed ugh that's one of the best feeling guys ) , I then make my way to Central London , thanks to the Google map my life had been easier since then. Bought more souvenirs my family ordered ( my brother basically ) and to meet a friend.

I figured that when we were talking , I'm more of the type that speaks so little , maybe because I was exhausted and it can be seen clearly on my face oh God save me - take longer than I should to digest and chime all the words spoken and what I had in mind was to sleep lol , I was really excited though , very anxious too to meet someone I never meet before in real life but my expression , all the biology thing - chemical reaction in my body doesnt seems wanting to cooperate .

 Like when you're anxious usually that will keep you alert but I was one helpless creature . I had a long day guys travelling around back and forth , so it's permissible to act such way or ey not

Nevertheless I'll savour the feelings perhaps in my private notes haha got to have some space to myself isn't it .

Anyway I left Cardiff for good last Tuesday , it was heartbreaking really to finally leaving a place which is so dear to me . All these while you've been imagining how it feels like leaving for good , and I did cried in the middle of the street , but now it happened already and I might as well continue to live my life

I remembered vividly one of the speech during our graduation ceremony , one of the person sitting at the front was giving tips for post graduation life , I guess he was Martin Lewis . He said : one of the tips is to accept uncertainties , and eventually that's pretty legit tho because everything can be so uncertain and there's nothing wrong about it , embrace it and it's totally a big OK to say I dont know

All in all what I can say is Alhamdulillah Ala Kulli Hal , my life for the last few days are definitely not easy , my introverted side was challenged and I was struggling between staying calm in a very hectic situation but nevertheless survived very well hu hu hu

Well the purpose of writing this is to mark the last post in the UK for now. Once I wished to settle down here but I don't think it's attainable , had day dreams to meet someone here then fall in love but that wasn't the plan Allah had for me , I enjoyed my time as a free woman miahahhahahaha and I was totally okay ( not yet ready for commitments still )

But what's even bigger than the mushy stories is that I found Him here , strangely in the land where Islam is a minority here . And my experience was priceless , couldn't trade it even with tons of golds . I wish to be here again but for now , let's go back and do what I need to do.

 Love, the'ann

In this land, Cardiff

Its 12th of July already and less than a week from now I'll be leaving Cardiff for good. And its not an easy thing to deal with overwhelming feelings of leaving your alma mater - knowing this the land that signify you to change to a better you. 

You figured your future and carefully crafting it according to your liking fitting to what the Creator wants , I can say that these three years had shaped me to be a better version of Anis Najwa. 

In this land I found love. 

People whom I met for a very short amount of time loves me unconditionally and subtly changing me.  I initially thought that I was firm enough with a stubborn personality that I wouldn't budge no matter how high the water comes. But I was wrong. Because  He is the turner of the heart , He who holds the heart and I forever wish that he keeps my heart firms to stay in this journey. 

Its not about just receiving but giving love as well. I found people whom I love dearly that I wanted the same best thing for them , the exact same love I've been receiving all these while. And I expect nothing more but for them to be better each day, and perhaps someday we'll have a big reunion in the paradise. 

My ayyash 

with my energetic Khawlah 

With my adik adik usrah Afiah and Piqa Nod 

My taman syurga missing Kak Naurah 

Taman Syurga missing Kak Aisyah and Insyirah 

Thesiger with Mama Nor 

In this land, I continued to figure my passion. 

Though in the middle , or at many points I am doubting my choice, like why it must be here, when the journey seems tougher and longer. But I choose to believe in Him that there are so many reasons why I am here. 

I can never say that I have a very deep profound love in law, though people will go like mehhh Najwa mehhhh you're very serious with law. 

Trust me, my confidence level on the surface looks convincing but me on the inside is like lalang that dance to the left to the left and to the right ( I am singing now haha ) 

now its very clean with no books sobs 

some days we found ourselves ( technology noobies ) making A4 cards for Dave the receptionist on his birthday. I swear that he's so lovely like atuk atuk macam tu. 

ground floor law school. 

In this land, I continue to make new friends, growing my network , approaching random people. 

At this point I am grateful that I have my random side of me, some day in the past I said Hi to someone who I followed her on instagram ( like a pro stalker liddat ) and she followed me back instantly ehey hahahah that was really random ikr ! But in UK specifically I felt the warmness Malaysians are offering. You will instantly feel safer and feel belonged? and definitely feels okay to have a chit chat. 

In this land, I found so many things to be grateful for. 

Of course not everything is as good as we imagined. Some days there's random passer-by that will boo you for wearing scarf with all these growing fear of Islamophobia - days where you get so worried thinking all kind of possibilities that will happen to your family across thousand miles - days where you craved so bad for scrumptious meals people posted on their instagram stories. Those days your tears streaming down behind the phone screens seeing everyone gathered around. 

and for those things that I missed in life, I find it to be the reasons to be grateful. And of course in a way your dependency towards Him grow stronger because only to Him you can spur everything, asking Him to take a good care of your family back home. 

Cathays - in front of the law school 

Its really, like living in the clouds of rainbows. 

Cardiff, you've been so good to me, I love you despite the rainy days in winter , despite the blazing hot days , I am grateful that you're the answer to my prayers during my A-level years when I asked for the best place for me, and indeed you're the best place Allah make for me. 

Hoping someday I will be here again. For whatever reasons I never know. Till then , stay warm and lovely as you always do.  

Love, the'ann

Birmingham day trip and lesson pondered.

Just got back from Birmingham yesterday for a day trip, relaxed kind of day trip because we were there to one of it , is to satisfy my craving for Nasi Arab ( lols , I know its a big LOL haha ) and we ate it alhamdulillah. Mixed feelings on the last train ride I probably had in the UK. It feels so familiar to depart from Cardiff at 6.40 am and that's when I realized that is our official time going for daurah on weekend in Birmingham , perhaps the ambience and the adrenaline rush were different. 

and the sun always make you looks good, even better in pictures haha , I am perhaps one of those people who looks good in pictures but perhaps a bit disappointing in real life hahahahahhaah - its not like I'm admitting I look good but that seems to be the case 

We walked through the shopping mall , take weird positions in the photobooth but hardly gets a decent photo but nevertheless the booth take so long to print our photos and at the end we don't have it with us , there you go £2 for a worthless 3 takes of photos haha.

In the middle of the day , an aunty private messaged me on Instagram to invite us over her house for some feast , and I initially thought that we can make it on time ( somewhere before maghrib ) plus the driver was driving with uhm 70 miles per hour , you can definitely feel the speed. 

But the moment we arrived Newport , suddenly the driver approached a young lady , asking whether she was the one who came to the driver and said that she had diabetic issue going on. And the driver said that he will need to wait till a help come to the rescue , and me being the fussy me, was like feeling bad for making someone wait , but suddenly there's this phrase that kinda hit me 

' Your compassion is being selective / choosy ' because right in front of my eyes is a woman who is suffering ( but I couldn't really see her and not sure about her condition either, I heard her voice and from what she said , she was able to endure it but the driver insisted to wait and get a help ) . The moment when I started to think , like what if I am the one in her shoes, or anyone so dear to me being in her shoes, I might as well , deep down inside my heart asking people to understand ( and feeling sorry at the same time ) 

And initially I said sorry to the aunty that I couldn't make it to her house , and she was so understanding that she said, we plan but Allah fares a better plan. Well indeed. So after like maybe 20 minutes like that, we finally depart from Newport to Cardiff University. The young lady got help as well ( I saw a bus coming but not an ambulance, but I am not really sure how she got the treatment but bless you young lady for a compassionate bus driver who's very caring and attentive ) ( sorry for whining too :'( ) 

And being compassion shouldn't be selective on certain person in certain time, you must be compassion for everyone in this world and the fact that you're being choosy, perhaps you need to look back and recheck on your heart. 

There you go one memorable lesson I got from the day. 

when you want to make a love but suddenly decided not to , and do it half heartedly hence that's the pose ha-ha.

Just got a reply from a dear friend of mine, who's now living 2 hours away from us, and we were so worried about her since she lost her father and we've been trying to reach her since then but no reply , but the moment I saw her name popped up on the screen , I was really really really happy , the fact that I know she's doing okay. I almost figured on how to contact her mum so we can do a surprise visit - but she's not in the UK anyway , but its just so relieved that she's fine. 

And another side note , I've been wanting to say on someone's face that I demand that phrase 'sorry' from the person, because I felt offended and being disrespected for so many times that I endured for the sake of so called friendship. 

But I know I couldn't say that on the person's face, ( I know that person would not read these lines ) and would not even noticed that the person was being disrespectful, neither do the person care that much . I said sorry first and that's not a sign of defeat , its just to wipe of the strings attached between us two so later we won't meet each other in the next life , begging to be apologized. 

And I am currently trying very very hard to detach from this harmful person and really wish to say that I regret the meeting - I wish the person never says HI and I never say OKAY. In case if you're reading this , yes I do regret meeting you , and all I want is for you to say sorry. 

I wish. 

Well you always say that I'm that one kind hearted person, well now not. sorry. I can be so cold that you forgot the person you used to know. Well I am making you paying the price for being so harmful to my life. In case you're reading these, yes I'm giving you all the obvious clues saying that its YOU I am talking about.

Love, the'ann

6th July 2017 - a day worth remembering.

Alhamdulillah there's just so many overwhelming things happened yesterday which worth remembering so I am jotting them down. 

The Time Keeper - Mitch Albom 

The night before, I finally finished reading The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom , it took me so long to finish that one short book ( blame the side of me who always scrolling all sorts of social media and reading too much of Thought Catalogue articles ) ( but I swear the articles are so good and relatable )

And I love how the book makes me think whether I made each day count. Dor ( the Man who invented the time? in the book ) were somehow cursed with an eternal life to save two different human being. Some may say longer life is a blessings , but to live eternally may not be a blessing. And there must be very good reason why God puts a limit to our life, to make each day count. 

Sarah's story is so relatable too, and why do I think I met too many of Ethan in this world hu-hu. Good book. I need to see myself into reading again, hence I'm taking all these baby steps ( again ) 

Swimming and me time 

In the morning I went for swimming after few months break ( the time that never match - classes and exams , I did consider going during Ramadhan but it will be makruh to be in water for so long so yeah ) and I guess I was stressed out from so many things , its just that I don't fancy using the term 'stress' as I believe it makes me look tenser and older hihi. 

I did this vonvon thingy for fun, where it detects ( marketing wise heh ) your age based on your face feature ( though I know its a lie I'm still flattered ) , it detects me looking 18 haha , to be honest there's not much difference between the 23rd me and the 18th me , perhaps I am a bit smaller in size now ( not that small but wish me luck , include me in your prayers ) 

so I did like 35 laps non stop , the size of the pool as mentioned in the website is 13 x 25 m , so I bet the 13th is the width and the length is 25m , that's like 23 point something something of my height. And another 5 , just to make the pennies worth , I paid £4.15 for that 3 hours session. 

That's me going back and forth the pool for 80 times ( 40 laps haha ) 

I met this aunt named Mayasa ( if I heard her right ) and she was so nice to me and we had a short chat. She looks British and I asked her whether she's a revert while helping her to fix her goggle. But it turns out that her mother is a Welsh and the father is from Saudi Arabia and they settled down in Caerphilly ( somewhere 12 minutes drive from Cardiff ) . She asked me whether I was okay , well part of me wish to say no I am not but that doesn't seems wise haha. 

And had a small chat with the life guards as well, she recognized me since I've been going to the pool since I was in my first year, so yeah , its just so nice to meet new people and having short conversation with. 

I posted on facebook and my swiming  teacher , cikgu Rusnah commented on the post and invites me for swimming later so she can teach me the free style swimming, I did learned before but it was for a very short of time and I am still very slow with catching breathe , with all the hand movements , so I stick with the frog style of swimming. 

I treat myself a foot long big beef melt subway ( the cheapest one on the menu and looks decent ) and enjoyed my me time. I always prefer going for swimming alone so I kinda have all the three hours for myself ( and obviously there's no need to talk to people ) , and its refreshing. 

All these while my skin was so dry ( camera is so good at lying ) and I can't be bothered but after spending quite a long time in the pool , now I feel like my skin is better ( like is this the effect of the chlorine or what ) , it feels softer and not as dry and flaky as before. 

3rd Year Khatam Quran Projection 

And next is that I finished my 3rd year Khatam Quran projection which I started back in 15th of November 2016 ( I remembered the date well because I make the 2nd year Khatam Quran projection as a gift for my adik usrah as one of her birthday present ) , and I considered this second projection as my graduation gift for myself.

Speaking about self reward, my mum asked me to look for a new watch to replace the one I'm wearing now ( since 2012, my SPM present ) but I am just ( too ) clueless about watches ( I've been receiving watches as gifts since UPSR which I wore the digital watch throughout highschool and the watch now is the second gift for SPM till now ). 

Its just so overwhelming to repeatedly reading through the verses and the meaning , but its giving you the same good impact , with perhaps different feelings

The more I read Quran , the more I feel the need to see how Quran shapes my personality. And I wonder how noble is Rasulullah , knowing his personality and akhlak is basically what the Quran preaches. He must be super super noble man , bless him Ya Allah. 

I dislike the old me who talk bad things, who feels totally okay using bad words , with all the bad personalities , its like you're living your life totally different from what Allah wants me to do. 

And I am forever humbled and grateful that He still choose to save me despite the bad sides of Anis Najwa. I sin a lot too these day and the fact that you're concious but still sinning , its just so suffocating.

I asked Him to make me among the 'Muttakins' - The people with taqwa. To refrain me from saying something bad, doing something bad and also thinking bad things , having harmful feelings towards others. Make me, make us among the concious and very cautious over the steps and moves we take in life. 

And this time around , the phrase of Taqwa really caught my eyes and its everywhere from the start of the pages till the very end. And to me Taqwa is not being 'scared' alone ( as literally translated in Malay ) , but its a fear with positive hopes that Allah will keep you concious in every steps you take in life.

Keep us always in Your Blessing. 

Sir Umar Al Khattab once asked Sir Ubay bin Ka'ab , whats the meaning of Taqwa? 

Ubay then asked Umar ' Have you walked through a thorny path . what would you do ?' 

' Of course I'll rolled up my sleeves and protect myself from them ( in order words being oncious , or you can choose to imagine Umar speaks Kedah ' Of course la ceq akan hati hati ' he replied.

Then that's Taqwa , Ubay replied. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. 

 Love, the'ann

Phrases that affect me

I'm just so affected with Kehadiranmu by Lah Ahmad now 

We all do have tons of different phrases that kinda stuck in your head and giving some sort of impacts on the neurons ( uuuuuu someone is talking about neurons ) , a positive kind of affect anyway , as it make me ponder a lot ( and to take actions too ) 

And so I had mine as well. But recently, there's two significant phrases affect me in a good way I may say

Earlier when we had an iftar Perdana at the community centre , one phrase that the ustaz said that kinda hit me very hard 

'Celakalah manusia yang apabila Ramadhan pergi meninggalkannya , dia tak mengambil pengajaran / tidak berubah ' . 

I don't fancy those tarbiyah sentap because I believe that one heart can't tolerate this harshness of the reality , but this time around , it kinda hit me right inside my heart, thinking whether I've made a full use of my Ramadhan.

I encountered a phase which I forever hate, and I named it as a vivid futur phase. How to describe futur eh , its like you're ditching all the Quran recitation , too lazy to pray on time , and basically I was just too lazy. And I made my Ramadhan wasteful , all I got is the fasting from food and drinks part not other things. I felt so bad that I regretted those days :( 

Like I never know if I can make it to the next Ramadhan ( when so many good people were taken by Allah in the Holy Month , but here I am slothing around 😔 what if you're not chosen to be in next Ramadhan. 

And that was when I wrote somewhere about the list of mutabaah amal I practice in my life, from that moment I know that I shouldn't write about it anymore ( its like you're tested with the things you wrote , aigooooo so hard T.T Allah have mercy on me 😖 ) 

And next is when I read on twitter

 ' Sia sia satu amal bila ada detik riak dalam hati seorang hamba' .

These harmful one feeling, comes when you feel you're holier than the others because you're doing something good. And its for the sake of showing someone that you're doing something , but not to please Him. Its not about what others think , its what you have inside your heart. 

Hence from that moment I try to refrain myself from posting things like 'Waiting for iftar today' while doing puasa sunat. Because you never know that suddenly those riak comes beneath the lines, showing that you're fasting , its better to take precaution steps.

Because after all the reason why we're doing all these ibadah is to please Him , because He deserves it . And its our investment for our next life. 

So I am trying my really best to purify my very own intention to submit the best prayers and ibadah to Him , giving the purest form of ibadah to Him. Because after all He will be the one who receive the prayers , like why should we give Him the torn apart kind of ibadah isn't it?

and these two phrases affected me so bad, and I believe that when something vividly hitting you hard, there must be something that Allah wants me to think or do - it won't be there stuck in your head for no reason. 

I miss these people a lot. Take care Ayyash. Live well. - Jaulah Ayyash 2016 

I did some job applications just now, pray for my road after graduation life , jzkk khayr 

Love, the'ann

guided, and firm.

I kinda love it how things ended smoothly , in a way that I don't feel heartbroken/despair because this time around I know my decision is firm and the end goal stays the same, which to please the Creator above all. I was labelled conservative but I am not intimidated at all. In fact, I am glad. 

If by being conservative means I stick to what my religion requires me to do and I stick to what I believe and hold , being conservative should be just fine. Alhamdulillah 

At times like this, I am forever grateful that I am indecisive on certain matters. It gives a tiny yet important hole for me to decide whether this is the right or the wrong thing. Which led to a dependency of opinion from the people around me and also most importantly to let Him guide me through my guts and decision. And if this is considered childish, I am grateful that I am still a child. 

Well this is not an angry-kind of post even it may sounds like one but if you're reading this in an anger tone, you're reading them wrong. There's this fine line of anger and being serious haha

And through such events I somehow figured, yes I am a serious person and loves being playful as well.   can really relate if someone says I am a serious person ( moreover it looks stern on the face wise but can't help , I am developing my advocating skills he-he ) 

And yeah it feels so good now that everything is so clean and clear, I should be back to my old self , carefree and run wild ( nay I swim ) in a guided path , and still hopes that Allah will keep me in His Blessings. 

me and Nasuha earlier ( yesterday ) July 4th strolling around the city for countless times already

There's just so many things to do now, need to settle the transcripts , updating my CV and back to job hunting mode ! and I'm adding CLP reading teasers on the list. Wish me luck ! oh yeah I realised that I'm making some savings for the past few years and now its time to figure where shall I channel those savings too. Need to do financial revisions as well #adulthoodisatstake

Love, the'ann

Graduating with 2:1 LLB Law from Cardiff University

Alhamdulillah I just received my result, and I've been waiting like all day long for this nerve wrecking moment. 2:1 in comparison to the cgpa is around what above 3.3 I guess. 

When I was in my orientation days back in 2014, the lecturer/can't recall who told us that fret not if you're scoring 50s , being in law school means you're doing fine, you're on the right track. Being asian, with all the kiasuness , this is surely disturbing. 

Last year my Evidence falls beyond my expectation par , pass with a third class. And it kinda brings my second year mark down to a 2:2 , around 57% in average for four subjects. It scares me that the weightage for second year mark is 40% . 

2nd July - Cardiff Castle 

And this year there's so many things that requires me to score the upper division class - like getting rebates for Certificate of Legal Practice because obviously money is the centre of the discussion. And job wise as well. 

And its been a tough time for me too. I fall sick for more than 2 weeks ( almost a month ) during my study leave, and healing through the exam weeks. You're bedridden and there's just so many things to revise. And seeing others progressing with revisions are not helping me ( ergh )  

But indeed Allah is the best planner above all. He eased all the way for me. The revision time did become shorter and tenser, and all I wish at that moment is barakah in the time left. Be it a short time but I can utilise it well. 

There's this one time I clearly remember while we were doing Commercial revision ( the Commercial Paper was on the 24th, we had our Trusts on 22nd , basically left with 23rd to revise it all ) , and in the middle of the discussion, there's this one awkward prolonged silence - as I am not progressing with the revision WITH A VERY LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME and seeing my housemate keep typing her answers and reading textbooks too , it get so tense that I decided to leave her alone at the school ( Sorry Diy saranghae ! ) 

Called my mom beforehand and cried. My sister called as well. Shared the news with my family and friends :) Thank you for the prayers you guys sent me , Allah will reward you immensely for sure. 

After 2 years of A-levels , 3 years of undergraduate , 

On the 3rd of July, you received the news that you'll be graduating law from Cardiff University with a Second Class Honours Division One. 


 Love, the'ann

The excited taxi driver ' I love Malaysia' , Me ; I do too :)

I saw that some of the traffic for the blog constantly coming from the US, while my loyal reader ( well I know you're reading this ) is back home. So wherever you're coming from , hi ! Drop a comment and you can be totally anonymous too, I would love to make more friends ( eheee )

and its tomorrow ! The result day, I'm so anxious right now, I don't know but this year , the feeling is tenser than ever and your prayers are much appreciated x x

Its going to be 3rd of July soon and it will be the last month here in the UK #mixedfeelingsever , I really wish to come back here again , even dream to settle down ( for good ha-ha-you-wish ) in th UK. Its been such a lovely three years , but there's this phrase of 'Hujan emas di negeri orang , hujan batu di negeri sendiri , lebih baik di negeri sendiri ' oh well Malaysia offering gold as well you misleading idiom.

Earlier we met an excited taxi driver who constantly said ' terima kasih , sama sama ' and trying to pronounce different places in Malaysia like Gombak , Bukit Bintang? He even mentioned a long name of a street which I never encountered before but legit name for a Malaysia street. And he said that out of 28 countries he's been to , Malaysia is the best and he said the time when he was living there, those three years are golden

( he was too excited that he misheard the name of our street and brought us to the wrong street , but considering he charged us only £5 instead of £6.50 , nevermind its okay )

But seeing somebody got so excited and has so much love about my very own country , I feel honoured in a way? Honoured in the sense that people recognized that you came from a very beautiful city and very beautiful people too !

and indeed these three years was priceless for me either ( and the amount of allowance splurged on me too ) , but its time to go home and give back to the society.

And I met a random Malaysian as well today , she said hi to me because I was wearing Baju Kurung in the middle of the ocean of people. And in that very short 4 minutes I bet, she told me she did law back then and now working with Petronas. And I saw myself becoming more like my Puan Nurul ( my mom ) , when I asked her for her contact number - and we bit farewell.

I rarely do that , but I am so glad I did.

and we there's always many reasons to be home , and one of them is love. 

 Love, the'ann


I should start figuring tittles aside from 'random' 'fandom' for posts like this. blergh. It can't be wordless Saturday, there's so many things I jot down here hewww. 

Its the time of the year where some people whom I know personally getting married. And I guess its hormonal ( hormones taking all the blame ) to feel things like 'I want to get married toooo' and started thinking how lonely you were and months felt like ages. 

Mabrouk alaik sisters ( there's a lot of them and I don't think they will ever read this anyway ) 

But I always try to remind myself that be grateful over things you are blessed with in life, if you keep counting blessings on others , you would feel incompetent and may find it harder to be grateful

Reminder to myself. 

IN FACT, I am not physically or mentally ready to change the current life ha-ha #oldhabitsdiehard ( saw a sister used this hashtag haha ) and I shall not ruin someone's son's life for now. Not now ayyy. 

And I just completed like 4 days of the six sunat fasting? ( is this how you translate them >.< ) in Syawal and after more than month, today might be the first time I slept (deeply ) and did not wait for Subuh . I woke up at 2.15 thought of eating some dates for sahur nevertheless unconsciously slept till it was 3.30 am and decided not to fast today. 

I find it easier to fast everyday actually because you don't need to think what to cook for lunch, or what makes a decent breakfast, and now I'm taking it to the whole new level , I'm not cooking properly to break the fast. 

It took so much of effort to cook , you need to defrost the chicken then with the preparation, while I can enjoy days with no responsibility to cook for anyone, lets just savour this moment. HA-HA-HA. 

And for the past one week, I got myself a roomate , my best friend came all the way from Essex to be here and being Najwa, I always contemplate on sharing personal spaces, like how I AM GOING TO SURVIVE SLEEPING ON HALF OF THE BED , big issue I know haha. 

But it turns out well I guess, I'm behaving decently in my sleep , need to be politer in the sense of keeping the blanket on the bed and not to find it on the floor the next day ( like always ahhahaahhahhahah ) 

Rest assured. 

I prayed to Him to make me rest assured with whatever plans He had for me in my life. I guess after trying ( I did give some efforts ) , all I want is to be guided firmly and not to look back , I just want to trust my instinct and be forever assured that this is definitely the best choice I made in life. It does require me to let go of something/someone but if loosing is pleasing Him, then I choose loosing, 

Because its hard to reach this point , personally for myself where you put whatever lies ahead you solely in His Hand to decide - through the instinct and firm heart decision , and I don't want to waste it either for something that is against what He likes. 

if I could turn back the time, all I wish is that this phase of my life never happens , like I don't need to over-think or something , like being concious with whatever things that you do but suddenly felt so bad that you make a stupid mistake and worst is when you don't even know it was a mistake or not but still feel the stupid part , back to where it supposed to be , I wish.

missing this Little Insyirah , with acik Najwa - enroute to the IKRAM Annual Grand Meeting at Birmingham last April? ( April 2017 ) 

There you go some little updates about things that are playing inside my mind. And I just realized that most of my post , the conclusion is either 'see you next time' or ' I need to sleep now ' for gazillion times ha-ha. Oh well I am awake and might as well continue sleeping. 

Oh yeah in case someone is reading up to this line - 3rd of July will be my official result date and may I humbly request for your prayers to pray for the smooth sailing of this journey for me? May Allah reward you immensely :D

Nightt !

Love, the'ann


After reading countless of articles appeared on the timeline relating to depression and anxiety , I kinda figured that I have that overwhelming anxiety mode ( most of the time ) especially when I was interacting with people. But I guess everyone has their anxiety point , like it may not be a very big deal. But I am yet to understand all these mental issues - I respect , sympathy over and trying to understand people with one, maybe because I haven't encountered it myself , so I am taking some time to really understand this big picture. 

But I guess mental health is not something you compare with someone else , like you rate the level of your stress neither depression with someone else by saying things like ' He suffered more than I do , so I should never made a fuss over 'small' matter ' , 

I mean you kinda need to self value and appreciate whatever condition you're in, if its bad its okay to tell yourself that it's bad. Even there's a need to compare with others , not to the extent it harms yourself , just because when you compare it with someone else, your problem seems so tiny. 

I don't know how it works exactly but yea. ( need to do more reading )

Love, the'ann

Subtlest way of showing His Mercy

Not related to anyone - any events - just feel like jotting it down.

* * *

Upon any kind of heartbreaks I always tell myself 

'Perhaps this is the subtlest way of Him showing his sign and mercy' 

to save you from the wrong decision made, to save your from further drowning into an intertwined relationship, or perhaps to save you from the worst. Or just a mere sign that there's a need for you to reconsider, or rethink of something. 

just someone who finds joy in looking at balloon ( eh no let me be honest with ya, its me tryin' hard for candid pictures lol ) - 2016 , 22nd post-birthday party

Wasn't it one of your long overdue prayers , to be guided through any events of your life, to be refrained from making bad choices. And heartbreaks, may be the subtlest way of answering your prayers. 

Of course its not as easy as 'telling myself' and healed . 

Because often ( overtimes ) it leads to tears , and again I always tell myself its okay to do so, because at this point ( I mean before it gets complicated ) , its one individual choice to cry as much as they want, because that's one of the way of easing heartbreaks. And it will last perhaps for few days but eventually you'll get better and better through time. 

No matter how high the wall built inside you, even it seems sturdy after many years and many months of mending it and of all reminders and cautious steps you take, sometimes you may just accept that it will crash someday ( at least that's what I bear in mind ) and repeating the whole process again is normal either. 

Its the consequences you need to bear due to the steps you took. Its not a bad thing tho, its life and what you get in return of something.  It might be one of the wrong turn. Or it was never wrong to begin with, the route, its just not meant for you to take more steps further. 

Everyone else suffers too. Some suffers more than you do. Its just another day, you'll get through it.

Its His subtlest way of showing you His Mercy nor signs. 

And be proud because you're choosing to please Him more than anyone else. Be proud because even when tested, you put your highest hope and faith in Him, not moving any inch. 


  Love, the'ann

( >.< )

Its been quite a while since my last post, no invitation for the past few days, so we've started our puasa ganti as well as puasa enam in Syawal. 

and its been a while too since I had these butterflies feelings inside me. I am not sure whether the person who approached me so sudden is an answer to my long overdue prayers. Its feels like nayy but it may be too early to conclude. 

whatalife #aherher

O I was about to comment on a status I saw on facebook. A junior of mine posted 'I keep a lot of things to myself' and I was really thinking, don't all of us? I mean we do keep a lot of things to ourselves. No matter how much you choose to share with the world, with other people, you will always have tons of sides you keep to yourself. 

Had a random evening trip to the city yesterday to refund the heels ( oh yeah I'm buying heels nowadays , someone is turning into a woman ehey ! ) and got myself another pair from Clarks, there's summer sale going on in the city, hence why not? Self reward ( as if ) 

Love, the'ann

Sambal Raya di Hari Rayaaaa :D

well not yet , as in the prayers and whatnot because its 4.44 am in the morning. I did my laundry and ironing clothes for tomorrow. And just finished cucuk satay for the Malaysian community in Cardiff for tomorrow eid celebration , yesza cucuk satay for like what, 300 of them , there's even more but we're run out of sticks ( alhamdulillah hahah ) 

I was initially excited like woa new skill huh , but after 10 of them , I'm just 'why I am here again' and who even asked for satay pagi rayaaaa who. 

Unlike previous years, many things are different this year, the most obvious is I am not in Malaysia, here I am using hashtag #teamrayaperantauan , fast 29 days of Ramadhan here , and the most exciting and yet confusing as well , is the part of knowing when exactly Raya is, on the 25th or the 26th. 

And we (as in the house) decided to play it safe ( better heh? ) assuming its on Monday. though silently wishing it to be on Sunday , its a mixed feeling anyway, because Ramadhan is leaving us and at the same time those syahdu feelings seeing your family in their raya outfits ( my tears run down like each time ) ( helpless ) 

So it was like what 7 pm in the evening a senior of mine sent us Malaysian Embassy (ke?) announcement showing that its TOMORROW ( now its today ) and we're in a rush like hey lots of things to cook yet we're lazying around. So luckily the dish I chose is pretty straightforward ( hehe ) and it took me like 10 minutes of preparation and the rest of the cooking process, took like an hour I bet. 

I choose to do this one traditional dish my mum / my aunt / my grandmother will cook every Raya in Melaka but I am not sure whether you know it, its the SAMBAL RAYA , its not rendang and its not sambal either, its somewhere in between with a hint of kaffir lime leaves ( fancy dok nama English untuk daun limau purut haha ) ( thank youuu Puan Nurul pepagi pun layan je anak dia ni nak recipe huhu )

ITS LEGIT GOOD GUYS ! - I mean if you're trying something fancier than rendang haha 

Aigooo all these while all I know is the preparing part and eating of course, not that I know its like super duper easy to make. 

I bought like 500g of undefined which part of the beef ( I asked the butcher for the softer part with all the fats but he apparently can't get me , like why this one lady here asked for fat , anyone care telling me what TETEL is in English zzz ) . The funny part is that I initially asked for 200g of meat ( cheapskate I know ha-ha ) and again the butcher was like whats wrong with this girl, is she giving away meat to the seagulls huh . 

So for that precious 500 g of meat cubes, lets cook sambal raya with me. Its always nicer to have TETEL part ( the good and soft fats and meat ) for this 

SAMBAL RAYA recipe nenek Melaka :) 

All you need , is to dump everything in a pot and let it simmer, boil? ( rebus ) 

First of all, take like a handful of dried chillies ( cili kering ) and boil them. Boil because you want to cook the dried chillies, or else it will taste uncooked?er? 

After that you blend them make it into a chilli paste. Life is always easier in Malaysia, you can just get cili boh anywhere in the market. If the chilli paste seems a lot, set aside some in a container or something but if its not, leave it the blender. 

In the same blender , 

you put in 2 bawang holand ( bawang besaq ) , cut into smaller pieces so its easier to blend them 

8 ulas bawang putih ( garlic ) ( bahahahhaha I initially thought that 8 was like 8 labu, bahahhaha ceq menangis nak kupas 8 labu aih ) , 

serai ( GOOGLE told me serai in english as LEMONADE hello google its LEMONGRASS ) ( idk like how many of them but I am left with only 1 serai at home, so one it is ) , 

lemonade pun boleh 

and 2 inches of lengkuas ( my lengkuas has been sitting there frozen in the fridge for 9 months guys, I searched it online to find that the name is galangal but I was just too lazy to find one that is fresher ) ( UK tak pakai kot lengkuas ni, and another side note they're like freaaaaking hard to be cut through , idk because its frozen or what but lets just omit the preparation part )

And you blend them again, until they are finely blended er? 

all the things mentioned above, put ALL OF THEM ( ikan di laut asam di darat , di dalam periuk bertemu juaaaa dapnyaa singgang ikang haha ) in the pot 

Then you put 1 can of santan ( coconut milk )  , idk the measurement because that what I had in my house, 

The original recipe requires gula melaka ( palm sugar ) but its nowhere to be found here, ada tapi malaih ceq nak cari , so I used brown sugar instead, by guts I put in 4 spoonful of brown sugar (aherher by guts sekarang , macam mak mak gituu ) 

and 1 spoon of of salt ( idk my salt is not that salty ) 

not to forget a generous amount of kafir lime leaves , daun limau purut , I put like 5 of them. I got many in the fridge huhu 

let it simmer/boil ( in a medium fire/ api sederhana - lols your direct translation ) for like 45 minutes to make the meat tender. Nowadays people used pressure cooker instead, that perhaps took aroun 15 - 20 minutes heh? 

You can always add in more chili paste to make it spicier, but I prefer it bearable and tolerable hence less spicy for me please. 

Voilaaaa its ready and one of the wanders of the world is ready to be served. 

tak ambik gambar pula haha 

I need to sleep, the raya prayer is at 8.45 and its 5.20 now. zzz.

Its already Raya in Malaysia, and alhamdulillah I am still a part of the tradition, perhaps whats different is I'm not physically there, maaf zahir batin semua

melihatkan 'clingyness' sekarang, I don't think (for now) I can tolerate anyone to be away from home for Raya , example ; husband-who-knows-who aherher

Love, the'ann