back in tracing track

I had two drafted post kept in the list, I can't seems to continue writing. Usually this phase will come when I'm stressed out with something - but it seems like I'm coping well with life. 

Things started to fall into places, I am enjoying my working life ( you do? yes I do ) , able to stay energetic throughout class after work , classes on weekend? No problem, I love how I am not lazying around over weekend , its just so funny how I developed the nerdy side of me ( I am always that nerd heh ) , I found myself waking up early and make my way to the college's library. Maybe because I don't find its convenient enough to study at home - its not that conducive as my room used to be in the past. 

I am currently in a phase of recovering the old me - the Anis back in last June and July. The one who have massive of reason and high will to wake up before the dawn to talk to Him about those days. 

To be honest , those days I spent at home , or away to the city with no real commitments, but I find many many reasons and stories to tell Him. Sometimes its not about mere luck , you're awake before the subuh prayers to talk to Him, sometimes its driven by your determination and will. To make yourself heard and felt special to Him. 

And later I found myself lost in the escalating changing pace.

No more night talks, no more waking up in the middle of the nights. At the times where I was supposed to let my heart out - at times when there's just so many things to take and at times where I am literally at one of my weakest point. 

I couldn't really figured why I felt so lonely when there's just so many around me, I started to feel so numb with my heart, not able to distinguish what is right what is wrong. And it saddens me that I don't feel guilty over the things I did. It won't be big for some, but to think now, what I did was just unacceptable - and for as long Allah keeps my aib, I'll keep it to myself as well. 

You know that feeling of you're being so attached and looked forward to read the pages of Quran everyday then suddenly you don't feel like reading it. And you have lists of contemplation inside your mind - you're tired hence its permissible when it shouldn't be the excuse. 

And its sad. Really sad. 

And I know I need to make a step, to get myself out from these miseries. I gave up on my after shower sleep to get back into the deen track. After one whole day long submitting yourself for various world commitments - I should find a time , I should make a specific time for the One who gave me the constant strength to get through the day. 

Futur ( swept away in this world ) level KLCC dah ni, ke Burj Khalifa :( 

Now that I am back in the journey of tracing the old Anis, I hope I won't be among those Allah bless them with good things in life but eventually straying away from the deen line. 

Be among the grateful, whom Allah bless with so many things - even to the tinies raindrop on your clothes. 

Its raining outside, lets make the prayers :) 

Love, the'ann

Your lawyer to be ( with legal fees attached haha )

I HAD SUCH A BUSY DAY TODAY, I was wondering why, I figured why - its because my lawyer is in office since morning and the amount of workloads are just massive. I no longer can sit back and relax ( like the first day ) studying all the alien technical terms . Usually she'll be in at noon. But good for me though, I sense the urge of getting my job done fast and precise. 

I am doing all the files, ( well serious business ) , making letters preparing documents, and attending clients. I used to freaked out when it comes to calls, but thanks to the 2 days of experience from the previous company , I kinda get used to that nervous feeling. Because its serious business, hence the pressure is just higher - and there's a need for you to know what exactly you're talking about.

My lawyer had a legitimate expectation that I would be able to learn and act like a lawyer ( because that's what I've been doing now ey ) , so I need to keep up with the expectation and jot down all the little details , plus with the pace. No joke its serious fast, but so far I am enjoying every bits of it. 

I've done my work for the week - perhaps scheduling some clients meeting for next week and seek for this one missing FILE OHMAIGADS mana dia hilang, its driving me partially crazy - because I was supposed to finish this kind of file today, at least that's the KPI I put for myself. And its weekend anyway, I don't want to think about who is this client and what sorts of things I need to do yada yada. So its all good for now alhamdulillah

I got excited ( yeay ) when I was meeting my boss and drafting the letters for the client, when she asked me to put into the lines, me , Cik Anis Najwa hewhew as the legal assistant ( I swear to you I was riding a unicorn with colourful horn and jumping over rainbows collecting bananas haha ) . Its one the acknowledgement , one side is the pressure. 

Well for the past few days I learnt that being in legal field , dealing with all sorts of human problems with all the technicalities - angry people with their unsettled business, one thing you got to learn is to be attentive. Its not just about whats on the paper - and people always deemed we law people are so rigid and serious. 

But really, attentive is the key. Its when you're able to place yourself in a position where you're ready to hear to someone's whatever things they had in mind and they just got nowhere to go. Sometimes they will tell us all those non relevant things but what to do, its the attentive service we're offering them.

Well there's just more to learn and I am making myself ready for it - I talked to my friend yesterday , basically a very good reminder to myself as well, 

One of the early keys to seek for happiness while working ( as I discovered for the past two weeks of being empolyed in two different companies ha-ha)  is to put or create the thirst in your mind - the side that wants to learn more/something, not just sticking with the mindset that we're working, submitting our effort for somebody or the company. 

Because it drains you a lot, as human doesn't like submission, not as much as they like gaining something for themselves. Hence I learnt from my own wise reminder ( HA HA HA ) and create that thirst of knowledge ( i sound kiasu ey ) 

Till then, lets get ready for class !

Love, the'ann

White black and grey

I find the blog as a very special place since it signifies me changing major phases in life, maybe not so many recorded inside here for pre-2012 which most of the posts in the earlier blog were clearly immature. 

But the fact that I can see myself growing up and its being recorded, somebody got to pat her own shoulders. You did well girl.

So I'm living my own dream and passion for now, well its not that I am so sure I am walking on the right track but I know, I am currently building the foundation of my dream based on my interest. I worked ( yeeeah you're reading it right, I'm now in my working phase yeay nayyy #definitelyhavesleepdebtstopay while doing my CLP. 

Well I attended a three days training and employed for 2 days before I firmly decided to leave the company. I notified my manager earlier that I have an upcoming interview in a law firm and the chances for me to quickly change my job is just so so so high.

I tried telling myself that its okay to venture into something different and perhaps its where I can discover my true calling, like maybe law wasn't for me ( like who knows ey ) But nayy I ventured into something that's not even my interest - not really a profit driven at the moment, and freaked out with calls - I mean research could be my jammed but calls erm no sorry

And now I'm currently working at an office and having my own partition lol - office ey? with hope I can keep this place tidy, longer than it should be haha. 

colour coordination went wrong haha
and yesterday I made up my mind - I can't forever stay in the phase where I seemed to allow those 'not okay' stuff in my life, I'm afraid that someday I am unable to tell what is right and what is wrong. Doing too much of sinful things could numb the sensible receptor. I am leading myself to a grey path which I know its clearly wrong - and I need to put a halt to it.

I need to retain the ability to to tell what is the white - what stands in the black side, and there's no grey shady area to it. 

I'm not allowing myself to sell my worth lower than it should be. I've turned into someone I dislike. I'm struggling here, but I know that Allah certainly making me gather my consciousness , tested me with an overdue sickness, that I will have multiple even tons of reasons to get back to Him. The fact that He made me think and reflect over things I have done in the past few weeks, I'm taking it as a good sign , while the sign is clear and visible , I should not waste it. 

and actually to make an active steps to cure the heart, to mend what need to be mended. 

I need more of these self reflection in the future - I need more physical sorting rather than queuing them up inside the mind and vanished through the thin air.  

Watched Azlin's video this morning about how frequent you talked to Allah outside your five daily prayers. Almost a no. And I'm trying to make it as a habit from now on rather than humming the songs. 

what a good insight to start the day. Alhamdulillah 

 Love, the'ann

suddenly September is ending already...

Unlike August where I wrote down most of the details about the life I've been going through, I barely put into records how my life is treating me in September. Perhaps even lesser in the future, since I don't have a WiFi connection in KL, and basically no time to open my laptop leuls 

I don't even get myself any proper pictures aside from post workout selfies hahahahahhahah not even places I went to, I keep my phone inside the beg most of the times for safety purposes - and also to make myself read moreeeeee ( I bought books for commuting purposes already , not too bulky haha to fit inside the bag ) 

One thing for sure I've been occupied with so many things , classes and interviews, and travelling back and forth from Kuala Lumpur to Melaka. There's always massive of reasons to be home especially when there's no class, and since I'm not professionally attached to any companies , I got to enjoy bits and pieces of this leisure time. 

Certificate of Legal Practice. 

Well to be honest initially I was in clear denial. I'm basically not ready for another year of revisions and tons of cases to be memorized. Plus I need to restart a pressuring life in Kuala Lumpur. 

But the first class, the law of evidence class kinda make me reset my mind and intention. It was quite funny and odd to say that you enjoyed your law classes, but I certainly do now. And all these while people saying CLP is hard, I am accepting that it is hard but I am not going to let that mindset harmed me and thus making me underestimate my own ability 

The classes are fun, I am not sure how I am going to juggle working and studying later, like would my energy level be affected, but for now I'm hoping that I will stay energized for classes. Yesterday Mariette my evidence lecturer was talking about Professor Ahmad Ibrahim, the one whom I looked up to in my legal pathways , it kinda make me so excited and I was practically so happy when she made a little trivia about my idol. 

Like how his academic views are being used in judgement , and it was about the standard of proof in criminal cases should just be beyond reasonable doubt. And the confusing languages used by previous judges ( I remembered how flowery the judgement was in Idris ) , doesn't set the standard higher - for circumstantial evidence cases , but a mere play of words . Affirmed by Tun Suffian in Jayaraman ? some need to do her revision. I even wanting to get a buku latihan sekolah for case wise memories. 

So I sounded law'ish isn't it haha , well indeed, its been running inside my blood for like 5 years now? I am not legally blonde, obviously not a blonde haha. Legally asian? haha


I went to two consecutive interviews for the Executive position, specifically an executive for the Business Development - the first day with the manager in charge, the next day was with the CEO. Had to do a pitching after the first interview before the second interview could take place. 

The first one was quite easy and simple. To be honest there's no clear guidelines on how to ace an interview, aside from the manners and the expressions you're offering throughout the session. You just need to be true to yourself and honest about whatever things they asked. And if you don't know, then say you don't know. Its okay that way I guess? 

But the second one is seriously no joke. Its not that I asserted it as jokes but it was seriously so nerve-wrecking. The questions are tough ( beyond what I've prepared for ) . Well here goes the questions ,

What if one day I put you to work in front of me, how are you going to handle the pressure. 
/ I just need to face it / 

Tell me what you do in the UK ? Easy peasy unless you have memories issues going on but not the next question. I told him about all the travelling and going here and there - because I applied for a conference producer position earlier in the same company and I guess I mentioned it in the earlier post, the job-scope requires you to travel around for conferences as well. 

Next question

You've been out and about all these while, how will it be to stay in the walls ( because this executive position is a work done indoor ) 
/ I have already expect such working environment , I will try my best to adjust myself /

Now the next question 

Okay that's you adjusting, how about for the company - how it will benefit/ help the company 
* I took a deep breath * * Just how I am going to answer this* 

and he made a comment on that ' I saw that you're taking a deep breath ' 

oh yeah sure you notice that. I repeated the same answer as above and caught dumbfounded I surrendered and maintained that smile haha

and the interview ended, he has no more questions to ask, neither the manager, oh the manager was with me all the time - mind that the CEO is an Australian I guess based on his accent, and I had a trouble time catching what he said exactly. I was subtly cursing myself ' What happened to your hearing abilities in the UK catching the accents ' throughout the session , and tried to maintain the eye contact so I don't look like I'm lost when I'm actually loss in my thoughts ha ha ha 

I guess the last question kinda secured me for the training this upcoming Monday - its after the 3rd day and they will have the assessment day to see whether you'll be hired on probation or not ( for another 2 months ) 

the CEO asked me whether I had a question

Honestly no I don't but I was pausing for a 30 second and I saw the career path paper on the table, there's this sudden idea, not really sudden actually since I've been thinking about it the day earlier. 

I asked him about the possibility of career advancement ( like can I make a shortcut to reach the junior executive level in a shorter period of time ) ( if I hit the target mentioned during my probation period ) if you wish to know the details of my question , hit me up on the email or whatever medium you can reach me. 

and that questioned impressed the CEO as he mentioned couple of times that he really love that thinking of mine - the mindset I had in mind. 

Hence I am starting my training next week for three days. and and and I'm actually thinking to take a half day off on Friday ( if I got hired lol ) because I'm scheduling an interview at a law firm 

The lecturers advice us to do an attachment at law firms so we will get better understanding about the things we learned in CLP, because its literally what it means, what you will be doing later in PRACTICE, like drafting claims and whatnot. so I am giving a serious thoughts on this matter , and whether its appropriate to take a half day off on your second day of getting hired - well its not certain yet that you're going to be hired lol - but lets just hope for the best. 

I've emailed the manager but no reply. Usually he's so responsive. Hmm I'm currently overthinking already - but I need to consult him on the matter isn't it , because he did knew that I'm currently looking for a legal kind of job. Or am I being too honest - helpppppp

damage done. Lets just wait for Monday to come. 
/at times like this I certainly dislike public holidays/ /I'm contradicting myself, I love holidays/ /or else I will not be home today

As for now I am keeping the companies name as secret - since its all still vague and not confirmed yet, but please do send me prayers if you reached this line, yes you, you who's reading. 

Pray for me that I'm later left with only one choice to embrace so I won't need to decide on things. Or with whatever choices I am making later will benefit the ummah as how it will benefits me.

On the other hand, I screwed one other interview and that was clearly due to my obvious lacking in preparation har har har I'm just so bad at it - hur 

Moving on 

I'm all good with this moving on thingy. It gets easier , I still do check on the person some times, to see the last seen basically haha - but it gets lesser these days and I am forever thankful for that. We did desired for each other but we both knew it won't work. We did actually tried to make it work, but I guess more than a half of me , and half of his side too , knew it won't work plus the distance. 

You know that sometimes the person is good. Fit to all the categories , but sometimes you just need to accept that you're not meant to be together. Well that's okay. Because I'm definitely happier now, less attached, things take time, so do I heh. 

enough said. too much of emotions updates. haha 

Love, the'ann


You know when it comes to the tittles, I kinda envied my brain like its mine but sometimes the creative parts come from nowhere - how can you be fancy at times like this haha hope this is making some sense, at least. 

Blergh here sounds cute, if you ever watched Hotel Translyvania , this will come with Sir Dracula impression of saying ' yo I don't say blergh blergh blergh' God guys please watch this for the sake of imagining how the tittle sound. 

So here I am still in MELAKA weh I was literally so over the moon for being able to come back home again, left home on Friday , went to a career fair, carefully dropped eight CV's since I printed only eight of them , I guess there's additional two I put it somewhere in the file for filing purpose ( need to print more and save one copy in case ) 

Went to my mum's friend house earlier, her Umrah friend, she's just so good at making friends, and I will be forever grateful that I have that partial traits. Ngueh ngueh. 

they said the best meet is the unplanned one, I guess haha. And my dad is smiling brightly, hence I need to put it here :p

yeah I rejected my first work offer - I don't understand myself really. I went to the interview twice, after each interview I was like nayhhh they won't call me for the second time, they turned don my negative thoughts and called me late evening when I was meeting my GE'EF. 

Had a serious working conversation in the Uber ride because I was negotiating about the working hours since I have classes to juggle with. 

They said it can be discussed and I went to the second interview, after I had a long tiring day walking around KL Central trying to figure whereabouts of Plaza Central for a conference producer interview. I can say that it is my thing, educational professional and networking with CEO's with all the travelings. 

But I have CLP ahead me and I can say for that like 45 minutes interview most of them is about how I am going to do CLP and this work. 

Of course the answer to that is I don't know, I need to try. My life is so uncertain and I am accepting it, like how can I offer you a very certain convincing ideas sir. 

They called for second time but one question they asked, the work requires me to travel around, will I be okay with that? 

THAT'S MA THING OF COURSE I'LL BE OKAY MY MUM SAID I NEVER STAYED HOME FOR THE PAST ONE MONTH but I said, if its not too much, I am okay ( because realistically I have CLP ahead me) and I invested quite a lot of money in that. So as Malay quote says 

Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang di kendong berciciran? 

I tell myself that maybe after one year I might consider applying the same position if they offered one, tempting isn't it. I got rejected of course but that's for the best. 

And I've put my stuff in my new home in Kuala Lumpur, and will be going back on Wednesday I guess since my class starts at 6. Facing the reality and I don't mind commuting from Melaka to Kuala Lumpur, got to enjoy the chilling time before turning into a complete adult. 

blergh, sometimes being an adult seems fun because you're taking control of your own life and fancy all the responsibilities but part of me dislikes it. 

Someone used to say to me that soon I'll mature ( cehhhh saying I'm not matured la tu ) through these phase. 


And on the side note, I confronted my mushy feelings with the person who caused it. I thought initially I'll opt for an unrequited love which sounds E W W W W W but its not me. 

To me its a waste of time, feelings and energy - I hate being in that draggy phase. But no offence I have my respect for those who does. ( hats off ) 

So I tell the person all the things I had in mind and I am thankful that he's cooperating . He made me think and as I expected , I am able to move on faster, healing better than dealing it alone, and for now I am trying to go back to my old self. 

I went brutally honest, ignored the butterflies feeling, I guess I am just that blunt when it comes to this not so important thing but occupying my head like there's no tomorrow. 

Rasa macam girls power sangat sebab able to talk about matters like this, because I know girls tend to keep it to themselves and have massive of doubts and expectations, like a mere view in an instagram stories from the person they're expecting to view it - means hell lots of things that can cause different species of butterflies flying inside the stomach, can make butterflies zoo also.

when in reality they viewed to kill time, or its just there, changing stories - sometimes they don't even bother unmuting the sounds. Blergh.

I hate to be in that blergh phase.

Gurlllll , you need to be realistic and just don't overthink.

Confront while you can. And resolve it fast. You have tons of things to be achieved ahead you, be it careers, travelings , owning properties, giving back to your parents while they are still alive. Don't settle for less, or put marriage as the only goal. I mean you're lucky if you already found your another half, but for those who don't , seriously muster up and brace the world !

ceh said someone who had troubles dealing with her own emotions 🙊

I am taking control haha 💃

Love, the'ann

a MONTH already !

I don't realize how fast was the clock ticking. Its been a month ( and more I am back home for good ) and for real too. 

Been here and there for different things, from volunteering to meeting best people in my life to attending programs and not to mention, interviews as well. I can't really keep track how many times exactly I'm in Kuala Lumpur for the past 30 days. 

My brother kinda like ' Where are you going this time? '

Regardless of the travelling around part, I tried my best to attend my family members. From visiting to cooking and doing house chores. I enjoyed laundry the most ( to my surprise ) because of the sun. I learnt that the sun and the heat it radiates is one of the greatest blessings in life, since we hang our clothes indoor in the UK. 

I spent most of my week nights accompanying my brother with his homeworks, though I am just there playing with my phone giggling over ge'ef ridiculous and non stop inside jokes. My merely presence seems enough to him, since my PMR knowledge getting rusty inside my brain. 

Secured myself a job alhamdulillah but honestly I am still thinking whether I can juggle between the job and its nature with the professional course I am taking this upcoming September. Its going to be tough on me I know, but I had no choice, I need to embrace this rapid changes in life. 

And there are of course days I wish I am back in the UK, having a laid back days, with cash flows and they said the grass is always greener on the other side.

a friend of mine gave this on my second last day in the UK - haven't got the chance to light this up since I couldn't find the batteries anywhere. Not that I love London as much as I love Cardiff , but I miss the UK in general.

Good old times huh?

Before I came back last time, I always tell myself to not be among those people who compares life here and there, and to move on with whatever phase I am going through, its for me myself to not whine over things , and to accept the reality. 

I have accepted the fact that its not going to be the same any more, tougher living ahead of mine. But I always hope He never leaves me alone, and whole heartedly I have my trust on Him that with each difficulties there is always ease.

anyone who's reading through , pray for me :) please.

On a side note, I got to accept the fact that I'm back to my old skin color ( I got a bit fairer when I am in the UK ) but the reddish cheeks are still there, well it kinda looks good some days, like a bonus for having reddish cheek without applying anything on my face ( someone did actually said to me last time Hey why your face is so red? Heeeeelp me can't help this reddish face )

oh its just me today, if you could see from head to toe, I was literally a fashion disaster.

took whatever scarf that seems representable - with er black shirt with fancy crowns prints and mustard palazo with a polka dot socks? But all I did was the driving part, stepped outside the car only to pick my phone that slips under the seat haha

My brother did all the buying stuff. Of course I am the cash machine blergh

( so not prepared for another law classes ) 

weakest point.

My attachment to human can be so high that one of the most constant prayer I would ask Him after every prayers is to lessen my attachment towards human, be it my desires, whatever temptation I had, to whatever stories I badly wish to share to someone. 

to one of the good days I had 
I never knew what other cure I can use to wash away this clingy side of me. 

Because I know I cling a lot on people and I dislike that side of me. I dislike that side of me who clings and get too attached to human. Ultimately it become one of my weakest point when the person turns me down. I become so vulnerable , and fragile. 

Hence I always tell people if someday they don't wish to talk to me anymore, let me know properly so I will have an ample time for myself to detach properly - let me face the harsh truth rather than putting me in a state where I hope ( still clinging ). And of course not many will tell me directly , they left me hanging, while they are enjoy continuing their life. 

no matter how high the walls I built, once I let my guard down, I am just one helpless creature. 

Be bluntly honest with me, please. It hurts of course, but it will feel much better that way. 


Love, the'ann

Letting go things that never yours to begin with

Moments where you badly misses someone who never miss you in their life, every single time they appeared before your eyes, you badly want to say hi but you know its never a wise step to do. 

I took so much of my time and energy for this worthless emotion I never want. I badly want to channel to blame to the other side saying that you should never say hi at the first place

I hate myself for being stuck in this kind of phase again. 

I'm letting you go. Building back the walls on my own. Thicker that before. Colder than ever. 

You were never mine to begin with. But why letting go seems so hard for me. 

Because I never liked the Anis who got affected by this petty emotions. There is something even bigger outside there that need to be taken care of. Why I am here again. In this worthless miseries than I can never share with the person who caused this. 

Love, the'ann

Career aspirations - Empowering through educating.

So this is what I've been wanting to write about for the past few weeks, 
Career aspiration 
I guess I had a really busy August, I am only home for weekend last week ( I had another trip to Kelantan tomorrow and next I'm grounded till CLP classes starts haha )  but spent my Saturday morning attending career orientation which I initially thought that it was an interview invitation but it turns out to be an orientation .

Its overview about the position we're applying for, I am a bit sceptic I would say but that three hours session did really in some sense pisses me off ( it was about insurance selling and also they mocked you about how you can make a lot of money ) . 

No offence because I guess I am the minority one who perhaps for now, not really driven by the wealth part. Maybe I was hoping for a wealthy well off husband ahaks. 

And went through couples of interview, and there's two upcoming interview, one for the second stage, one for something I think, I aimed for. 

As I went to different career exposures, I did have that pause moment where I asked myself , 

Is this what you want to do in your life? 

Honestly speaking I did a lot of jobstreet application, and applied for whatever position that sounds fit ( both qualifications and skills maybe plus no car needed since I don't own one ) , because we are in the phase of we can't be choosy over our start up careers because the economy aren't doing so well 

( or this is a presumption? I mean economy as a whole can be doing well but from the perspective of the middle-income family earners, the current *what is the right word deyyyy* situation is not good ) 

But really, can't we be choosy at all? 

I may not focus on the salary part, but its more on the happiness and personal development part. 

You'll spend like almost half of your day at your workplace and to the very least lasted for weeks or months or even years, will you be okay to spend your time doing something you don't enjoy? 

I got those feelings when attending a Sales and Marketing interview which I initially applied for the 'Event Fundraiser' for NGO's but apparently the job-scope is bigger than that, which to do brand marketing.

As I was answering the questions, my brain cells actively attacking my head with a simple question ' Do you really want to do this?' and keeping a fake smile showing you're partially enthusiastic with the position is just hard. 

But I am good with smiling so yeah haha 

And of course even till now, I may not be very clear about my career pathway, I did mentioned in all interviews I attended that I wanted to be in the legal field in the future, but still feeling so vague whether I can handle the CLP while juggling studies and working, but I need to earn the money or else life in Kuala Lumpur might be hard on me and my parent's pocket obviously. 

But regardless of the shady blurry vision of the future ( which I hope its okay at this phase ) , 

I realized that I had a very clear vision on what I love to do. 

Through preparations for interviews ( talking to myself basically ) , I realized most of my answers even what I'm pitching at in jobs application, I would definitely said 

'I love empowering people. I really do'

and its more like empowering through education and educating. 

I like engaging with people, but more on inviting people to feel educated ( miahaha ) hence I guess one of the reason why I write. 

I figured that all these while the reason I do debating is not just to lash people's idea as the third speaker, but to make the audience understand what is this whole thing we're debating. 

The reason why I presented for the International Symposium back in 2011, is not about winning at all but to educate people that there is varieties of cultures in Malaysia to be embraced. So I didn't really prepare much, but I did my very best to make what I am telling to the audience really come from my heart. 

Even as moderator for the Women Seminar back in Birmingham, the reason I said yes for the position is more than just obediently follow my mom's request to accept it. Its a position that enables me to educate people. 

And it brings me back to the days before we had our Rohingya awareness talk February this year, a week before that I seek for different articles online, there are six or seven of them I guess, ranging from history to economy and reasons why the conflict in Rohingya is happening, seeing the issue more than just a religion break issues.  

I print them in two sets and had a serious ten minutes reading among the committees in charged for the charity sale on the day. 

We then shared what we got from the article. 

Why two sets of each article? Because two people might get different thing from the same article, so its basically a good thing to be able to celebrate two kinds of stories from an article. 

The aim of that is I wanted the people involved do really know what they are doing, and I wanted to give a meaning to what they are doing, not a mere fund raising for the unfortunates.

I wanted them to feel that their very small help by cooking and selling cakes/desserts contributes a lot to the people, and at the same time they are empowered educationally on the current issues. through this very small event.

We are doing this in the UK where locals do attend our talk, so I wanted them to feel that what we're doing is not just a day off program of awareness, we're actually making people from different sides of the world to be aware off that there's different humanitarian issues going on in many parts of the world. 

It empowered me as well, all these while I had the jist of the stories of Rohingyans through the news but never really seek in detail why this conflict started and whatnot. 

And its very much related to Al Hujurat , chapter 49 of the Holy Quran. Verse 6 , 

O you who have believed, if there comes to you a disobedient one with information, investigate, lest you harm a people out of ignorance and become, over what you have done, regretful.

Media can be biased and its important for us to seek for the truth from different sources. 

Small Changes, Big Differences

And this morning I watched a 16 minutes video of the Small Changes committees being interviewed on the causes Small Changes are doing , and I guess this is just something I love to do. 

I consciously said yes to the revisit camp in Kelantan when I badly want to spend my time longer in the UK to enjoy UK for the very last time, but I arranged my flight back , apart from its weekend, its to attend the revisit camp. 

Because I did want to apply to be the committees this year, but its being unfair for myself in terms of time wise. 

I had a commitment on the ground with IKRAM UKE as secretary in my region plus as vice director and project manager for different events , at the same time I need to prioritize my study as I'm a final year student , so taking more than what I can have on my plate wouldn't be fair to both myself, and also the organizations I'm giving my commitment to. 

So I guess to the very least, I can contribute as facilitators, and that's what I love to do the most, to engage with the people - managing is fun but again I need to be fair, to be someone who put the right thing at the right place.  

Of course volunteering starts to be a part of my life to fancy my resume, brutally honest , or not brutal enough. 

But I attended this TN50 talk last February and there's this one specific person talked about a one-off volunteering, I was kinda slapped in my face, but for whatever reason you start , lets see it from a brighter side. There's always a first time for something, or perhaps its a journey for you to really figure out yourself and to unleash your passion or potentials you never know you possessed. 

Kalsom last year :)

Its a learning process anyway. 

as these writing coming towards the end, 

I love empowering people with the thing I am really passionate about. And I do believe when I'm doing it out of love and it comes from every inch of my heart ( instead of just bottom of my heart >.< ) people can feel it too. 

 Love, the'ann

One of the best weekend in my life - 13 till 23 #geef

I guess I've been drafting this inside my head before I fall asleep through the whole journey from Kuala Lumpur to Melaka 

I fancy the introduction, 

Thirteen till twenty may we last till eternity 

So much love I had for these people in my life that I can be happy, I can be emotional, I can be sad, I can be totally honest about my feelings , I can be bare about anything ! and I can tell whatever things I had in mind and inside my heart.

I have trust issues with people and figuratively built very high walls for people to penetrate in, but to these people I let down my guards and pour my heart out. Maybe not that emotional extent since I don't have much heart-related-motion issues going on for now ( duhhh ) 

Of course its not always that fancy kind relationship all time, in fact we haven't really figured how we be in this circle. But I guess fates intertwined us in a very best way , perhaps even better than what I ever wished for. 

I had a semester fight with Aqila ( of course I'm the one who makes all the first moves, but when it comes to loving someone, initiating - giving - tolerating is never a defeat nor loss though I doubt this stand back in 2014 when we had that long silence ha ha ). Had a love hate relationship with Aireen, never that close but we're in the same class for five years so we kinda like connected but sort like not ha ha. 

And even after 10 years, repeating the same stories over and over again seems totally fine. In fact we do improvise a lot this year, I love how we share about our current update in life, our fears that we always keep to ourselves, future career plan , psst current love life/crush that do crush at the very end either we're putting a halt to the relation - or friend zoned ha ha ha. 

Little meaningful gestures. 

I guess one thing, one small thing that touched me is this one moment ( I shared with the ge'ef already ) is when on Saturday evening we had a chat , like we talked a lot ( we kept two years worth kind of stories to be shared ) , and one of us shared that she had an anxiety when it comes to talking to people. So when we're having our maghrib prayer, we kinda like pushed each other to be the imam ( like always ) and apparently the anxiety-queen was the last person to get ready so we automatically had that idea that 'Hahhh jadi imam' , and we thought its a very good idea for her to overcome her anxiety. 

Of course she refused. And keep repeating herself 'please no' 'nanti aku lupa' but the other girls encouraged her, by saying its okay, you can keep your voice low, we'll help , its okay to forget the surah , and she lead the prayers.

and I don't know but it was really a touching moment for me because we did really take an action to help with her anxiety. 

Like some people may do extreme steps like pushing the person to speak to strangers challenging it to whole new level, but we did it in a very intimate and subtle way ( solat jemaah with the people you love ) 

because we all knew that she need to overcome her anxiety and we're helping her to overcome it, together. 

I'm just so touched with the scene. 

And we had this round table of answering friendship question. I figured out the dreams the girls had in mind, with the confusion of dream is mimpi or dream is impian ( eh gedddd ) , someday we may forgot and ask again, but for now, its really a refreshing meet. We laugh a lot, do stupid puns and do stupid puns again and again , with all the inside jokes only we understand and laugh like there's no tomorrow. 

I'll savour this good feelings, I love how we spent the weekend together, we can totally be in silent while sitting together but I doubt the silence stay long because there's always someone out of the blue breaking the silence. 

These beautiful girls grew up beautifully , they are the same kind person I used to know when we were back in high school in fact kinder, they are the same easily-amused people I used to remember, they are the same person I treasured in my whole life, which are way wiser and maturer. 

( sedih jap ) 

Dear GE'EF

Thank you. For so many things I can never list them down. For patiently tolerating my dark side which I believe there's so many of them. For sincerely laughing for all the out-of-the-blue-random-jokes. 

and I guess thank you for your mere existence, and choosing to stay when you can always leave. 

Thank you Aireen Zuriani binti Ahmad
Thank you Norsahidah binti Abdullah 
Thank you Nurain Syuhadah binti Abdul Rahman 
Thank you Noorliana binti Masri 
Thank you Hannis Sofea binti Johan 
Thank you madu eh ha ha Nurul Aqila binti Mashkuri

To be very fair the name is listed down based on sequence from Kak Long to ex kakak ipar eh eh eh haha 

 Love, the'ann

Here's to a water bottle commercial ha-ha biar LENA dibuai mimpi, jangan jeerling jeerling ( this pun is intended for someone who definitely read this ha ha ha ) 

Running 🏃

I must say that the internet kinda like getting better - way better than before . At least now I am not waiting for eleven years six days to pass that I'm finally able to see this page popping up. 

Had to put this here. Because I just love it ha-ha narcissist 
These few days I have started running both in physical and virtual life. 

I would spent almost half an hour a day to basically walk and run on the treadmill and initially it was because I miss Cardiff a lot. Its not that I run in Cardiff that frequent , plus I am just not that fast in pace, I did run and walk for couple of times at the Maindy centre. But I walked a lot in Cardiff, I enjoyed my time walking to the city and the walk seems so frequent towards the end , like the day after a day I found myself walking (again) to the city for various reasons. 

Hence each time I started running, blankly starring the window since its faced that way, I put on my headphone which I rarely used back in the UK , you can tell it from where I put the headphone , kept nicely in the bottom drawer ha ha. 

I will start imagining Cardiff, with all the songs I used to play en route to wherever I am walking. 

And I guess my mom was happy seeing me on the treadmill , on the first walk she kinda asked/told my brother about it and my brother sent me lists of this dieting stuff, but honestly, I dislike it.

I started walking because I feel like doing so, and strangely I dislike the supports and encouragement. Its good but I kinda attached those feelings with what I felt back in highschool. 100M and 400M seems torturing enough with all the people by your side either cheering or booing or whatever they did waiting ages for me to complete the run. 

So I kinda appreciate supports and encouragement in prayers. Like just stay in silence, I prefer it to be that way. 

And running in the real life seems to be way easier than running from the virtual life. 

I had a fling with someone, I don't want to even call it a love because it was clearly not that. But I guess as usual , I am stuck in that moving on phase, like I keep checking on someone who clearly disrespected me in many sense, but I guess I was lingered by the feeling of *finally* being wanted by somebody. 

And what makes it harder is that I cling a lot on people , and he came at the time when I was standing firmly and independently from having to share my thoughts , my days with human. 

That's where I started to consciously loosing control over myself. 

I *temporarily* found a place where I look forward for replies over simple messages like Good Morning, How Are You and etc. And now the phase kinda not stay long just as what I expected and indirectly hoped for , and now come the toughest part, which to build back the wall and detach completely. 

I am among those over-thinkers and I am comfortable enough to take all the blame for not able to get my head  straight. One day I thought , that's it lets put a stop to this , then to find a simple morning wish popping up on the screen, and ( not again please ) 

And as I was eating the fried chicken from the night market yesterday, I guess it should be one of the greatest reason for me to completely withdraw myself from this miseries, like how even? 

Because if I were to end up with this person, I might find myself leaving Malaysia again, and I will miss the night market vibes plus there's high tendency that I'll be eating salads and all those healthy things for the rest of my life. 

Sounds good to some ey? Not me. 

Ha ha ha I guess there is a need for myself personally to write this thing down here, this might be the vague idea of how these non important things are filling every parts of my brains, which I dislike it. 

I haven't really talk about this feelings-heart-related stuff for quite sometime. And I actually love it to be that way, stays that way. 

I dislike putting my values on someone so uncertain, I definitely know that I'll be successful on my own, I can be happy on my own , and everything is just possible to be achieved, aside from biological context of having offspring, that's just another part of the story. 

I am taking control over myself, and found myself to be in this journey because I choose to please Him more than pleasing him. And for all the courages and steps I took away from this person, I always hope that it will be repaid with somebody that worth the while. 

And lets just say its not here in this world, may He instil patience in me, happiness in me along the journey. I have so many things ahead me to be accomplished , and I need to trust Him for the instincts He gave me. 

I am teaching myself over and over again that the courages and steps I took were clearly a sign of love. He loved me and He cared so much, that He refrains me from doing things I wasn't supposed to do. 

And for that, be grateful and be happy Anis Najwa. 

This time of the year going to get rough, but keep running. 

Love, the'ann

Life for the past few weeks and lesson learnt

Its been really a while since I write something inside here, I've been trying to load the page for ages when I'm in Melaka , the result is frustrating enough that I decided to do other things aside from writing inside the blog. Been writing here and there, main tumblr account, secret tumblr account ( lol ) , even notes inside the phone and the tab. 

Basically its everywhere and I couldn't keep track of the writings. Emotions are wrecking up these days but I'm settling down well here in Malaysia 

Its been like two weeks I guess ( excuse my poor calculation ) and this week is the first weekend I spent home , I mean with my family around, the first weekend I was away in Kelantan, and the next weekend at Universiti Putra Malaysia for Journey of a Muslim (JOM #JOM2017 ) and another three days at Batu 14 Hulu Langat for weekdays ( literally ) retreat. 

Honestly speaking, I personally felt that I am straying away from the religion path, I'm kinda in a phase of being tested for things that really test my concious mind, and I guess there's a need for me to surround myself with people whom I know, will help me to get back in the righteous track.

I know I can't rely to such support forever to stay firm with what I choose to believe in, but I see the weekdays retreat as an opportunity for me to kinda save myself ( ha ha ha ) 

And there's two things I would love to share , from the three days of retreat is first what I got from the Baitul Muslim session and next the reality check of society and how missionaries are going so far ( dakwah ) 

So in case you're not familiar with this Baitul Muslim or most of us acronymed it as BM, its basically a marriage - unification between a man and a woman. And I love this one point that kept being repeated through the whole session, 

Before you find your other half, or in your journey of seeking for the one, build a very strong connection between you and The One, with that big T an O I am speaking about Allah.

Go and recheck your relationship with the Al Mighty and fix what need to be fixed. When you excellently take care of this part, with Allah will, everything that comes next will fall into the right place at the right time. 

And this reminds me of a simple comment ( which I forgot to reply ) on my last blog post in the UK , which I posted the link on facebook, my kakak usrah left a simple comment yet it kinda struck inside me and its like a melody that keeps playing inside my head

' Take a good care of Allah and Allah will take a good care of you' 

not the exact wording but that's the jist of it 

So everytime I was lazying around, like all these while in the UK because of the praying time changed every single time and day, with no azan and whatnot, most of the time, I'll try my very best to pray earliest possible. And the situation is somewhat different in Malaysia , and the phrase kinda pushes me, and I'll always say to myself, if you want your affairs to be taken into Allah consideration, love and to be prioritized among other people's concern in this world, then prioritize Him and take a good care of what He deserve. He deserve the best. 

And next is about the reality of dakwah / missionaries on the ground in Malaysia. 

I guess what scares me the most is when the third panelist speaks about all the things I considered 'biasa dengar' or often we write down in different Malay and English SPM essays, about all these social problems occurring inside the society .

After three years in the UK, and each time when I kinda feel like I'm being tested with my faith, I guess for now, with Allah's mercy its not even comparable between the reality happening on the ground. Child outside the wedlock, open sex and whatever strings attached to the motion, it kinda hits me hard. 

There's a need for me to count the blessings, that Allah gives me a good circle of friends and surrounding but at the same time, the urge to dive inside the society and to cure what can be cured. To bring back the values of Islam in the people, because all these social problems occured in our society, the malays, which majority and almost all of them born as muslim. 

And if its not among us who're blessed with the understanding about the deen to save the situation , who else? 

I guess that's it for now, at least something to ponder upon and its really good to be here again even for a very short period of time, I'm using my brother's laptop and I'm in Banting now ( the internet connection is way better than what I have in Melaka ). 

And bit of life update, currently I'm actively seeking for jobs basically to support my future, as I'm planning to do CLP and commuting from Melaka to KL everyday doesn't seems to be cost efficient - hence can I humbly request your prayers to ease this journey for me. Currently I am hoping to pass an intelligence test from a company which I am clearly just so bad at it that I doubt those IQ, EQ's I had inside my brain ( cries a river ) 

I still have so much things to write down, about my revisit camp. Hoping that I'll find time , and with no pressure, with good internet connection, but clearly I don't know when ( for now ) ( hiuh ) 

And that's it for now, till then, take care. 

Love, the'ann

Settling down

I am just way too tired from packing - from unpacking to packing, with the messed up biological clock , I am living in the valley of adrenaline rush and panicking ( oh yeah I finally remember I need to print out the bus ticket ) 

thank God I'm writing this down, I had a serious five minutes thinking what shall I print more while this internet last

Why do people still print bus tickets - making it all compulsory in papers when you can help to save the earth ( hahahhah its just you who're too lazy isn't it so finding ways giving possible excuses ) 

So I just got back , its not JUST , but it was like 4 / 3 days ago and its been so hectic. I'm going to an English camp in Kelantan tomorrow at 5.30 am ( yawning ) , part of me wanted to pull myself out because I am basically too tired , but part of me doesn't feels okay to do so. 

Hence I am going tomorrow and doing my best with all the preparations. ( why did I say yes again sorry ) 

Haha funny part of it is that I just realized that the camp for the facilitators starts on the 26th and the slow me thought it was on the 28th ha ha ha as if Kelantan is so near to Melaka / KL hahhh youu. 

Oh before I forgot ,

I got to share the clumsy episodes of my life in the UK for the very last time. I am always clumsy and had the ability to look calm when I am all chaotic inside. 

But this time around I am taking my clumsiness ( plus this short sighted lady refused to wear hear spectacles ) to a whole new level when I board TWO FREAKING WRONG train in two consecutive days , one never learn from history 

First when I was from Central London going back to Uxbridge, I am kinda sure that I saw the stop on the sign - so I board it with confidence , but suddenly at this one stop this trains stops for quite a long time and everyone leaves the train, because I was genuinely thinking that the train will stop me at the next station , I stayed inside and did feel eerie because I was alone 

Then suddenly the train changed its sign saying that it will go back to the Central London and I quickly alight from the train to find myself in a deserted train station with no human at almost 10 pm. 

I was literally clueless with that situation and decided to take an Uber ( take my £10 and save me please Uncle , had a good chat with the Uber driver and I thanked him countless of times for saving me hahaha drama queen ) , hours before my senior reminds me that not to come home too late since it can get a bit scary near the train station. 

 And the next day, on the 21st of July ,

The day I left UK for good , I departed from my seniors house on a bus straight to Terminal 3 with that super heavy bag with a broken tyre? we call it tyre? err. I was legitly thinking that the super strong Anis Najwa gone missing because all these while bringing that super heavy bag seems easier ( if all the tyres are functioning well ) , but trust me I lost half of my soul trying to bring that luggage around. alone. 

So when I arrived at Terminal 3, I quickly make my way to the Heathrow Express place to board on the direct transfer to Terminal 4. I was again caught in my miseries. As I was sitting looking outside the window, one of the staff asked me for the ticket and I said ( I already got that feeling I got the wrong train again ) I am going to Terminal 4 , and he instantly replied ' Oh this train is going to Paddington ' 

Oh well he did saw me with that cat eye looking so pitiful - 'Nevermind young lady , I'll bring you to the right place' and there you go 15 minutes of my life wasted - and as the train reached Paddington, I waited outside the train waiting for the kind man to take me to the right place, he then handed me over a staff making sure someone is looking after me so I wouldn't find myself going back again to Paddington hahahahhahahahha 

Guess what the second guy was really helpful because he saw me still sitting in the train when we were back at Terminal 3 ( we need to alight there for a direct transfer to Terminal 4 ) he waved his hands like ' hey girl come down here fast ' ahahahhahahhahahah 

And no matter how ridiculous my rare clumsiness this time, I always find its funny to see myself in such rare occasion , I am petty with the timing and whatnot, but I guess I've been missing UK even way before I leave it , so my mind was scattered around. 

Enough with the UK miseries, adapting with my very own country is a struggle too and the weather is one of the challenging thing !

Had to wait for almost half an hour or less when I arrived home , since my mother thought my estimated time of arrival was somewhere at 5.50 pm , that's what written on the itinerary anyway , but we landed somewhere around 5.25 pm and everything was smooth sailing. But I love the waiting part anyway since I wanted to be welcomed home in a dramatic way possible - I got my drama episodes already 

I even got a farewell wish from a random guy who was in  line with us in Heathrow and we've been changing smiles and smirks? hahaha Chua was like ' You know that man huh? ' no I don't haha 

I can say that one year abroad, my skin getting fairer effortlessly , I don't do any make ups except for the lipstick part neither I used any beauty products , perhaps its a bit reddish most of the time but the point is that I looked fair. But I always know that my skin will get sunburned when I return home 

and thats what happened - though I may look good on cameras, camera tell beautiful lies. 

And alhamdulillah did one day sunnat fasting here because I saw myself eating A LOT when my sister said I barely eat anything , and I have more plans ahead , next week for the IKRAM UKE pre-departure camp , but I need to see myself in that field , so I won't be among the lost ones. 

Off many things I wish that I will be occupied most of my days so I can stop thinking about matters that does not worth my time and spaces inside my head. 

Nevertheless , all praises to Allah for a bumpy - smooth sailing kind of ride all the way from the UK to Malaysia. 

I thanked every single human being who's been so good to me all these while in the UK , from Cardiff people to IKRAM UKE's family , friends, housemates, even strangers , you guys will never know how my life had been eased all these days thanks to you ( who's reading through ) 

I'll end the post with an appreciation picture for my sister who had been patiently driving me around , since my license expired last two months , renewed one today hu hu 

Love, the'ann