December 27, 2017

Sometimes I hated myself for not being able to give the equal evil treatment to people who treated me bad. I'm just not good at it, at all.

I tell myself that its okay to love more than you should. And its never right to treat people bad, because it leaves nothing but a hateful feeling inside my heart. Sometimes I guess I just love myself so much that I tried my best to forgive - because I don't want that bad feelings keep hurting myself. Like why should I feel bad, when the person who caused the scar is living happily.

I tried to ignore people the way I've been ignored. But it doesn't feel good at all. I keep telling myself, treat people the way you want to be treated, it might not be from the person you expect the good treat from. It can be from someone else.

I tried delaying replies, I tried ignoring - but it feels so hard to so, because I know, I always knew its not me.

Its okay. Its okay.

Love, the'ann


Reflecting 2017.

December 27, 2017

Its been a while for everything, for writing , for pondering over things happening surround me and putting it into records. Life has not been easy since then, and I've expected it gets tougher, but as time passes by, I become much lenient to a tougher situations and I am now is much at ease. Things indeed falling onto its places.

Just like in pastyears, I am going to reflect over what happened in this one year , so one day I will find myself scrolling over my old post and see how much I've been through for the past year. I'm writing this just right before I'm going to work. Its been really a while since I got the urge of writing.

2017 had been such a crazily beautiful bumpy journey in my life.

The highlight of the year is all about me and the mixed feelings of leaving the UK for good. Graduation - building professional life - planning personal life - there's just so many things to write today gahhhhh I'm so emotional at the moment.

That fluffiest white thingy !

January starts with an exciting trip to Poland, where I signifies one of His greatest creation, the tiny white fluffy thing we called snow in Zakopane. Had my first skiing experience, well I must say it was a torturing one haha because we don't take the ski lift, so that an hour spent just to see me trying hard to walk up the hill and ski down, and repeat it again and again iCry.

Hahah it has not been that long since I have my undergraduate classes, but I couldn't really remember any significant details about it , ohhhh anyway did I every tell you guys I had this constant crush to a Canadian guy, whom I look from far, and he is perhaps someone I looked forward to see in class.

It turns out that he was my neighbour during our final year but I bet he never noticed me, but nevertheless we took a picture together on our graduation day , that was perhaps the last time I would ever see him, this crush meant nothing at all really but it plays quite a part in my undergraduate life ha ha.

Poland was perhaps the last overseas trip I had in 2017. I don't think or even remember did I spent my time other than Sheffield during my spring break. I was saving pennies to bought myself a new phone. It took me solid six month to do the savings, life was a bit tight at those times, but I had to choose anyway. So I chose to put extra savings - plus I knew my family will be around during my graduation.

Sick days :( and exam days reflections

En route to final exam, after Spring Camp and Mukhayyam , I had one of perhaps the longest sick days, which lasted more than 2 weeks, I thought at start it was mere sore throat. But it gets worst as days goes by, and me being me, I googled for the symptoms, so it showed I had the signs of tonsillitis

I was bedridden, but at the same time I had this tense of studying because I need to see myself fighting for that first class * I always know its impossible for me lol haha * but my second year grades are not that strong - my Evidence paper ruined it all, I got a 48 for that , like I NEVER GET SOMETHING BELOW 50 DURING MY UNDERGRADUATE life so I was a bit terrified , kiasu asian haha

I saw myself gargling lukeworm salt water every morning, constantly making honey and lemon drinks, and forcing myself to study basically. I knew that I rarely fall sick throughout the three years, so the first time I got the hint of me not being in my pink of health,

I know this time of the year will be so rough on me, yes it was. I lost my voice, just one of my weakest time - I refused to make an appointment with the doctor because guess what somebody never had a GP in her three years in Cardiff wa ha ha ha ha.

I guess up till my exam days, I wasn't fully recovered, but with His Mercy and His Love, He eased it all for me, I was really worried on how my European Union paper turns out, it turns out unexpectedly lol because I don't think I can go above a 3rd class , because all the germany-kind-of-case-names seems so blurry inside my head, then you're surrounded by people who can ace EU very well, its not helping with the aftermath of EU paper syndrome lol.

Undergraduate result is FINALLY OUT !

Alhamdulillah, surprise surprise I got a 2:1 for EU. All praises to Him, I graduated with a 2:1 , I remember the day the result is out, after that very long wait, which is not so good to make law students wait for too long , I calculated manually on my points and ( I am never good in math haha ), I told my mum, I don't think I am in that 2:1 group.

Then when the official transcript is out like few hours after that , it turns out differently and it was one of the emotional days for me. Alhamdulillah.

Blessed Ramadhan and thrilling Syawal 

apart from studying wise, this year I spent my Ramadhan and Syawal in the UK. I've told this for few times that I really enjoyed that long hours of fasting that I continued fasting, more than 6 days sunnah fasting in Syawal , because I thought its easier because you don't need to think of what to eat throughout the day, sometimes it felt so weird not to fast though.

As a result to that, I did really tone down my weight huhu and it had been constant since then. (hewhew)

My ramadhan this year is blessing for me, because we had the fairly short night, alhamdulillah Allah makes me fully utilize those night, that humbling feeling looking up the sky every night , telling stories I can never tell to human and thanking Him every possible second for choosing this sinner to have a personal time with Him. I know I'm being comforted, I am at my most fragile state, but I always know, He's always there.

This year, Syawal has been so exciting and thrilling too ! 

Up to the last day, no one can surely said when the first Syawal would be, I was lazying around in the house , hahahah I don't eat just eggs as I imagined, we made an effort right after it was announced and shared everywhere that its confirmed that Syawal will be the next day.\

It was around 7.00 pm and I rushed to the kitchen to prepare the small feast. It was after 9.00 I bet, the community ( my neighbour ) asked us to help with satay preparation HAHAHA I swear like who eats satay pagi raya I will curse you. It was fun for the first few sticks, but a torture after perhaps 40 sticks of satay?

I can still remember the feeling of spending the first day of Syawal away from your loved ones. It feels so bad though, but I said to myself, I need to savour this feelings so I would find massive of reasons to be home for Syawal :D

Graduation trip/day 

I had these imagination where graduation will be about you taking photographs, with all the hat flying in the air and wide smile.

But after experiencing it myself, its a big no. I don't know about local universities but as far as I am concern, Cardiff allows us to take the rob and hat just few hours before the ceremony and the heels are no help at all - it was blazing hot that day ( alhamdulillah its not raining ), my face was so red ugh , and I was partially grumpy few hours before because my graduation outfit is just so big, and I dislike it. Maybe I was tired. So I decided to wear my birthday outfit back in 2014 for my graduation. Though its quite a loose - still it looks much presentable on the day. 

We had a short trip to Bath , with my family, a short but a nice one, I brought my parents to meet my mom's friend, whom she met on the cruise at the Melaka river. Gahhhh I wish I contacted them way earlier, and have a foster parents in the UK hewwww. 

Leaving Cardiff, for real. 

I always know this day will come, and I cried while waiting for the bus to London to come. Cardiff had been nothing but a wonderful one for me. A place where I am introduced to a new dimension of what I believe, a place of very warm people , a place that offers more than just tranquility , its a place of where parts of my soul will remain at. 

Hoping that one day I'll be back at this city and till then, stay warm like you always do Cardiff ( huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this made me so teary already ) 

Leaving the UK , hoping someday I'll be here

Oh yeaaaaaaah ! We had free entrance tickets to the London attraction places - so we decided to take the bus tour - cruise - London Eye - Madame Tussaud because we had only a day to do that all. I was not really in the mood because London is just way too hectic for me and I hate the vibes, maybe I was too attached to Cardiff I don't know.

But considering the tickets are free, and I know how costly it can be, I should enjoy these fanciness isn't it? 

I left UK for good on the 21st of July. 

and that very moment, I know

life will not be the same anymore.

Back in Malaysia , finally...

I thought I could laze around and enjoy the heat lol no I can't. I consioucly made a decision to join a volunteering program which was after 3/4 days after I'm home for good. Good Najwa good ( cries a river of chicken bloods because I don't cry bloods haha ) 

Met the GE'EF in August and it feels so good to see these girls , because even after meeting countless of circles of friends, they stayed the way they are. Just like how we knew each other back in school, with an added maturity and of course beauty ( won't deny this ). Went for Aina's engagement in Kelantan and went to help to facilitate Journey of Muslim camp.

Within that one month after graduation I'm just a very busy woman.

And the episodes of travelling around are just massive that my mom grounded me like two weeks before CLP starts - well fair enough I never stayed home for so long anyway haha. 

Certificate of Legal Practice.

Hardly believe that its been months since I first start my CLP classes, to be honest I still had that ugh-freaking-sleepy classes , but I'm enjoying the adrenaline rushes (tipuuuuu) ha ha. I admired my classy professional lecturers , I even had the dream of becoming a CLP lecturer in the future lol because of them. Nothing really fun ey about CLP to talk about. 

Paralegal , yayyyy someone is working huhu

This 16 year old looking woman is currently working yeay ! Hahah I had few remarks these days saying that I look young ( kenyit kenyit mata haha ) , but the truth is I'm 23, somedays I guess I am not competent as 23 helppppp me. 

Working wise, I'm enjoying it ! My very silly coworkers are helping me a lot with the files, and with the law too. I would say that I am able to cope with working and studying because of them. Its tolerable for now I guess. 

To be honest, the salary is not that much, but considering that I'm okay with it , I hope there are blessings in this small amount insyaAllah. I landed on this job after trying to venture other areas apart from law - I ventured into marketing which I thought might be tolerable to be done together with studying. 

But apparently after trying a one week training, it drains me out A LOT. Because its not what I like doing in life, it feels so tense and I don't think I can be happy for a long time, if I choose to stay earlier. I deduced that now I am very into the law but nevertheless I was thankful for the chances and opportunity given , I firmly believe the reason why I ventured into those lines is for Him to make me really really assured that law is for me, and nothing else (gitewwww) haha

errr love life?

Its just so awkward to put this down in writing, but I am in the phase of compromising so many things for this matter, okay still awkward, but I hope you'll pray for me insyaAllah for this matter. But somehow it feels so good to have someone that takes into account my likes and dislikes, and they actually sacrifice something for you hahaha I'm about to say yayyy for that lol. 

Lets keep this to myself and my best friends for now. 

All in all 

2017 had been such a good year for me.

few days ago while I'm battling with my feelings I partially thought that I'm depressed so I did the depression anxiety test, it turns out that I am in my totally normal phase, so I thought lets accept the fact you're normal haha. 

I loose my rythym while writing this, its been so long since I last write something, so the style kinda changed so yeah bare with me. It feels so so good to be able to write again, and to be reminded of all the blessings and tests in life, which indirectly a blessing too. so I will have more and more reasons to be grateful again , and again.

Hoping 2018 will be much much thrilling and easing for me insyaAllah. 

Hows your 2017 anyway?

Love, the'ann

Love life

walking away

December 08, 2017

Because I'm used to the idea of someone ie opposite gender never really stays, I deemed the same for the man I'm 'seeing' now , not really to say 'see' in that lovey dovey way because it seems complicated now, well to the very least I deduced so 

That he would never want to stay and will walk away just like any other person 

when he did *at the very least* (me and my pessimistic side) stayed for quite some time - and actually do stay and calmly embracing the very complicated side of mine

* sigh *

But my mind seems to keep saying ' Walk away while you can' 'walk away while I can'

while the feelings are not intertwined, while I'm less fragile, while I can still tolerate the pain - while the business are not so serious between these two creatures. 

and now I can really feel that that he's walking away - though it tears my heart, that's what I've been silently subtly wishing for. Just like any other people. 

do I?

Now, after making myself comfortable without you - with the mixed signals, 

i'm now literally so tired to solve your riddles. 

I am very prepared to give up for real , because no matter how much articles I've been reading - that one relation moreover a distance one need efforts , I'm feeling weary , tbh I don't know whether I'm giving my all or not 

but no. 

I am just too tired... 

this is very easy for you to handle Anis, very easy. 

The weird-complicated woman , the'ann

Familiaaa :)

Najwa and her stories , that she never remembers

December 04, 2017

I don't have better tittles guys , my head is currently filled with all law jargons - lacuna - dangerous drus act - adverse inference - caveats ugh 

I am just so blessed to have my mom in this world, wishing that someday I will inherit many many many of her good traits, and I wish nothing but the highest level of paradise for her and for my dad. ameeen :) 

the moon shines brightly tonight and it somehow eased me inside :')

and I am glad too that I asked my mom this , and I'm just so glad the spark of the question come from the recitation of Surah Yusuf - particularly on the phrase where Prophet Yusuf told his dad about the dreams he had. 

And I feel obliged and delighted at the same time to record and write this down. Because it is a story that I never remembered, and it comes personally from a person who remembers every little details of it. 

And maybe someday I will be reminded again about this whole thing - and perhaps will make me more cautious when, insyaAllah one day being a mommy to be. Apart from fancying endless baby bump - because I seems to have one now ey hahahahhahah kbye. 

This was drafted few days ago in the train enroute from Melaka to Kuala Lumpur, hence yeah. 

So yesterday on our way back to Melaka , the radio played Surah Yusuf ( well my Arab may not be that good but it’s been quite a few times I run through the tafsir and story of Prophet Yusuf , which I deemed as one of the bawang merah bawang putih version in sirah )

Go and heads up there , read the whole story from the start, its mesmerising on how its being recorded in the Quran. 

Then Ibu pointed out a particular ayat from the surah , a doa which she practiced throughout her life

InsyaAllah we all know that pregnant mothers are encouraged to read Surah Yusuf through their pregnancies , which I initially thought because to have a beautiful baby ; but if you read through the chapter with it’s translation , perhaps there’s only one part speaks about Yusuf is so good looking - the story of Zulaika and him ( and several other women ) 

I was really enlightened by my kakak usrah about this story of Nabi Yusuf - and the assignments we had during our circle session, huwaaaa iMisssss !

Where one important lesson we can learn from the surah is about Nabi Yaakub lost his son , not once but twice , Yusuf and Bunyamin - that never once, he never lost his hope in Allah. 

What is even worse is that , his other children who envied Yusuf and Bunyamin , were the masterminds behind the lost his two sons . Despite such betrayal from his other sons , he remains calm and asked Allah to grant him the most beautiful patience out of the test. Yes despite of being a prophet, he's still a human being, a father - he grieved over the lost of his beloved sons. 

So I asked Ibu , did she really finish surah Yusuf every single day throughout her six ( and more ) pregnancies ( I guess I’m already at the legit age to ask that and plus it’s 12++ am in the morning and we’re still at the highway ) . 

Because I know it’s not a short surah and she got other commitments

She said she do it interchangeably with Surah Lukman and towards the end of pregnancies, she read Surah Maryam.

And hearing to her stories , I can see how important , how tough to bring a soul into the world , if you wanted to have a bright children in the future , the works definitely starts way before the pregnancy alone. Because it does in many ways will affect your children’s personalities and character traits

Najwa and her personalities haha

She told me when she was pregnant with me , she just started teaching at Methodist Banting. And she cycled to class until she’s 8 month pregnant , only stops when the other senior teachers nags her to stop cycling because they’re worried . 

She said she will always go out early to cycle to school and once she reached school , she will take quite some time to catch her breath ( to relax and whatnot ) , which really explains parts of my traits now ,* and I was like oh emmmm geee this is the reason why *  I always walk or go to class early since Intec days because I need that some time to relax before the class starts , or else it will chaotic for me inside.

And interestingly , she just remembered that while she’s pregnant with me , the headmaster elected her to be in charge for the library, she even attended a one week course for that purpose , hence ever since I was in her womb , I’m familiar with this library setting ( maybe explains the me who can read everywhere I wish ) ( well I wish I read as much as I do in the past ) ( now CLP books also don't want to read this girl haha ) 

Despite opposing to the idea of me being alone most of the time in Kuala Lumpur, she totally understand why I seems okay to those things - because when she was pregnant with me, she's the same too, went here and there, wanted to stand on her own, and she don't want to wait or rely on the others. 

She told me about the other 5 pregnancies as well , which I can relate what she’s gone through throughout the journey affect our personalities . And I realised that perhaps such bond mommies and their children had , the pregnancy journey shared between mommies and their children throughout that seven to nine months of the process - truly the reason why mommies know their children well.

Towards the end of the conversation , she even said that she wanted to rectify all the wrongs she done that affects our us, our personalities ( huwaaaa I can cry because she done no wrong , she had , excellently raise us up ) , and if there's something wrong about our personalities, that have been tainted with surroundings and whatnot, never her fault to begin with. 

And because I’m in the middle of being conflicted with relationship wise , I know that building a family , a good family starts with being a good woman and man,  with great qualities.

I know how subjective 'great qualities' can be, and one must not be so demanding - but we have rights on what to expect on our partners isn't it. 

People have flaws they do, and will continue have even after marriage but from the very beginning, some traits are so important as the basis of growing a family tree that last till eternity.  It is indeed something that you need to put extra effort into it. And it’s not something someone can take so lightly.

As for now, I'll just focus on mending myself, for whatever things that need one. 

It was such a pleasure to hear to he stories and I guess this is one of the answer I’m looking for in the midst of me losing my way.

Thank you Ibu

its just feeling so good to see a familiar colour , and maybe its just the place is different now. 

Love, the'ann

Reasons I don't really write these days

November 24, 2017

I realized that I don't do much writing these days and I genuinely know the reason(s) why

Because though I think nothing goes wrong with my life - I know something is just not right. And by writing down the journals and reflecting over it, I felt threatened by how hypocrite I can be. How conflicted I can be on writing and what I've been battling with inside me. And it saddens me a lot too to be in this phase.

Good thing is that I'm adjusting better now with the current life. Previously I felt like the loneliest creature on earth , so tired dealing with workloads and studying at the same time, but now I know and started to realize some people had it worst.

I mean nothing is going wrong with my life, blessed with a job, was accepted into the employment sector a month (plus) after graduation considering the applications made after I'm back in Malaysia, able to breath , having a shelter and many other physical blessings - that I am able to witness and value.

But I'm failing each time now :(

Love, the'ann

I don't know whether its a right decision...

November 17, 2017

This morning while walking to the office, I've decided on a matter, which if I prolonged the decision-making time, I know I will deliberate more on the matter, and eventually affecting someone's affairs in life. 

I don't know if I've make a right decision, I mean the right decision can be a good one or a bad one, but certainly what's best for me at the moment. I am afraid that someday I will regret the decision the I've made because I know, initially my heart desired for the opposite . 

But I know if I am ever to decide on the opposite , it will make me ponder more and giving false hope when I am clearly not ready for the phase. 

I guess it becomes complicated because it involves other person, I wouldn't mind if its just about me, I mean I will be the one who will bare the consequences , there will be not much hassle - at least its just about me and not more. 

However now it clearly involves someone else, and before the feelings got intertwined , lets put a halt to this. 

I hope that I'll be at ease with the decision - well I am allowed to be sad isn't it hoping that I can turn back the time, but I wouldn't dare to play with my own words. But I hope I will be happy with what I've decided and to Him I give my everything. I am slowly tracing back the old track, the old me. It's just to consciously departing from the deen line. 

Nevermind Najwa

its okay

it should be, a  right one. 

Love, the'ann

Significant Moments

Random big move

November 09, 2017

thanks to filter - my face is so gloomy these days
Soooo I am done with the day, I mean working time, now its class time ! I initially wanted to write about this yesterday night since I don't have any class last night, but it happened that I slept soundly at 8 till 11 , I just don't understand why sobs I regretted those precious minutes I slept ha-ha I should do so many things - calculating savings , updating blog, or to the very least watch a movie or read a book you girl T.T

And I moved into a new place last Saturday , a very random move I made in life, it doesn't take that long for me to decide on the moving out part , and plus every parties attached to the decision ( either the old or new landlord and me too ) seems to ease the process. 

Some moves in life are rather vague, I mean physically you don't really move - like moving on from someone , but this move I made, is literally so tiring, I was juggling between night classes, back so late and packing stuff in the darkness T.T

Well I was quite scared to actually give a very late notice to my old landlord , but he seems okay, well I burned my deposit but considering the place I'm living now is just a walking distance to the office, plus I got a proper single bed, good roommates , the facilities and whatnot - I guess its a good deal. Hence I don't really hesitate on that part.

I've been loving it so far, I guess one of the best of it is that no one watch the television so I don't really hear people making noises at the living room , I mean I'm used to a very quiet house in the UK, plus my families aren't that loud when it comes to watching the television, hence the surrounding seems familiar to me.

I always love the fact that I can still lazy around at 8.00 am because it took like 5-8 minutes good walk to the office and I saved a bit on the transportation wise. Maybe it will be a bit eerie to go back late night after class, but nevertheless I got to try to stand on my own. Trying to brace this life, and clinging on Him ( plus hoping the surrounding too ) will be helping me.

I went for a short swim last Sunday, was a bit disappointed to know that the gym had a separate card for its membership grrrr I wanted to run so bad. 

I'm coping well emotionally now. Both personal and non personal life. Life goes on isn't it? 

And last night , while I was trying to sleep ( well not even trying because I was too tired anyway ) , I was pondering upon how hard life is now , I am happy with life now, working life is indeed fun , well studying on the other hand , as always it can be fun it can be tiring, its class anyway. 

Suddenly Afiza sent me a photo in our usrah group, a photo of them doing Pass the Smile project, just like the Pay It Forward project we did last time . And I found myself crying over that simple photo , its just so sad to see myself now, I mean I used to do all sorts of things that touches people's heart but now handling my own seems so hard. I miss the old times, old good times, old gold Najwa. 

But at the same time, I need to keep telling myself, I need to keep deceiving myself so that I'll be at ease - that everyone's life is hard , and on top of that, to be honest, I am so blessed because yesterday as I was walking from the school to the LRT station , I encountered so many homeless people resting on the pavements .

I was really pondering how does it feels like not to have a home to head to at night 

and their life seems to be much much harder than mine, that my struggles are just so tiny , and can't even be considered as hard. 

( okay this is my self-ranting phase haha ignore me ) 

You have a pretty decent place - with kind roommates, cheerful office mates, I mean nothing is going wrong about your life , you're even studying at the moment and had no difficulties with money or whatsoever. Which part of this decent life is so hard for you Anis ( sigh ) 

Its okay Anis , you'll get through this, it will be a little bit lonely, like no one you can talk about your day through ( but to be frank, I do , maybe its not the person I expect to share my stories with lol - I'm moving on k ) , this is still an adjusting phase. You'll do fine girl. You will.

All in all , what I need to do now is to keep counting blessings and feeling truly content with my life. 

Love, the'ann

ps making this like a magazine article seems nice ey 

Working Life

My blessed working life.

October 27, 2017

( I wrote this inside my notes in the phone yesterday, I am back home at 11 after a long day at work and class , but find the urge of jotting these down because its been quite a while since I am able to write something ) ( I just can't believe it I wrote this long over a phone note ) 

One of the things I’m blessed with at the moment is at the place where I’m working now

And tomorrow marks my first month here and alhamdulillah the time flies so fast , and I’m coping well

Unlike the other jobs I went to stages of interviews and application , my job now came to me unexpectedly through a mom to a dear friend of mine , Humaira . It’s even a position I’m looking for ( which is at a law firm ) and the interview was perhaps one of the longest I ever sat for. 

3 hours or so ? 

It’s not even a interview , it’s more like an overview on what I’m venturing into and my employer gave me the whole idea on what to expect

But I’ll never regret the phase I applied jobs that seems fitting my qualification through jobstreet , attending interviews , going back and forth from Melaka to Kuala Lumpur because from the very beginning I never knew what Allah had prepared for me beforehand.

If it’s not for the hectic weeks I’ve gone through , I would never learn on how to be grateful , or learn on how to live and sort my own life after graduation.

But they said the best always come as an unexpected ones.

Got more files to attend now , workloads are definitely increasing and I seems to see myself in the department of preparing documents for presentation at the respective offices. A work which requires you to extra meticulous when I’m not ( err I doubt now ) over the little details : things like small technical things on the transfer of names on the A3 sheet ( Borang 14A ) , the gel ink , the shares divided , the initials. 

The small things that really matters . I got triggered over failures to update the minutes of proceeding in front of the files , and messy files either , I can stop with whatever things I am doing at that moment and I would make a quick 10 minutes check just to put the correspondence accordingly and fill in the proceedings in front of the files from God knows when.

But I sort of had this feeling of leaving a good trace. I mean someday I might leave this job , I mean life goes on , I needed to see myself venturing into different areas of law , but I wanted to leave my job , easing the person after me. At least he or she wouldn’t feel lost like I used to trying to figure what’s going on the files they’re taking over.

I learnt how to talk to and deal with different people , angry clients , entertaining and very pleasing clients - I’m taking control over the conversation , I know what I’m talking about rather than just taking orders from my boss . 

Well of course I’m still in the process of learning , I appeared to be extra sloth sometimes , trying to grasp the things I need to learn , and it’s a process that takes time . Learning through the experience, still there’s lot more of things I need to explore .

There’s some guidelines given by the previous employees , but I still find exploring the files , receiving new files actually helps me even better , and with mistakes as well , I learn on how to correct things and eventually making me more aware than ever .

I’m blessed with very patient coworkers , they knew that I dislike taking phone calls because I’m just still bad at handling my emotions over phone calls ( I mean handling the after effect of it haha ), well they’re are just pleasingly annoying to be talking about which country spoke baku language just at the time I’m praying Asar , and they were so serious

There’s seriously no other good times to be talking about this ugh ( annoyed emoji ) I had a hard time to focus on finishing my prayers ( double annoyed straight face ) 

And most importantly my boss , chambering students refer their lawyers as their master. And I’m learning a lot too from my lawyer . She’s really a figure of a mom to me , apart from job wise messages over whatssap , she will update on her daily life activities with me . 

And being Najwa , sometimes I found myself in trouble to keep up with replies and fitting the replies accordingly but I’m learning it through the conversation between me and my boss . She shared with us the life values , I remembered this one time she talked about making Dhuha prayers and reading Kahfi in the office on Friday . She said that we’ll face a long day perhaps meeting angry people , we need these kind of inner strength to get through the day

And I couldn’t agree more with it - it’s just so true that I know that in order to be a successful lawyer in the future , it’s not just about being verbally tricky nor on the documentation wise , but to seek for the strength from the One who provides you with one

And the fact that she understands & well aware with my working and studying life I'm in at the moment - so it helps me a lot indeed. 

It’s tiring of course with my classes at the same time , my mom made quite a few remarks on how tiring my face was each time looking through my insta story. But I know I’m left with no other choice , might as well accept it and embrace it happily because I know being happy wouldn’t drained my energy that much , compared to feeling compelled and force to do something

Well the energy and the determination were not always there , I yawn with my mouth closed in class making my eyes teary but I couldn’t afford looking so tired in front of the lecturers who’s also working in the daylight - plus they were standing for three hours of lectures

Nevertheless I’m happy that I’m able to jot this down savouring all the good feelings. 

And if someday I’m loosing the rhythm of it , I certainly know where I get back to , to get a grip of myself , to inhale and to exhale and start again :)

Love, the'ann

back in tracing track

October 12, 2017

I had two drafted post kept in the list, I can't seems to continue writing. Usually this phase will come when I'm stressed out with something - but it seems like I'm coping well with life. 

Things started to fall into places, I am enjoying my working life ( you do? yes I do ) , able to stay energetic throughout class after work , classes on weekend? No problem, I love how I am not lazying around over weekend , its just so funny how I developed the nerdy side of me ( I am always that nerd heh ) , I found myself waking up early and make my way to the college's library. Maybe because I don't find its convenient enough to study at home - its not that conducive as my room used to be in the past. 

I am currently in a phase of recovering the old me - the Anis back in last June and July. The one who have massive of reason and high will to wake up before the dawn to talk to Him about those days. 

To be honest , those days I spent at home , or away to the city with no real commitments, but I find many many reasons and stories to tell Him. Sometimes its not about mere luck , you're awake before the subuh prayers to talk to Him, sometimes its driven by your determination and will. To make yourself heard and felt special to Him. 

And later I found myself lost in the escalating changing pace.

No more night talks, no more waking up in the middle of the nights. At the times where I was supposed to let my heart out - at times when there's just so many things to take and at times where I am literally at one of my weakest point. 

I couldn't really figured why I felt so lonely when there's just so many around me, I started to feel so numb with my heart, not able to distinguish what is right what is wrong. And it saddens me that I don't feel guilty over the things I did. It won't be big for some, but to think now, what I did was just unacceptable - and for as long Allah keeps my aib, I'll keep it to myself as well. 

You know that feeling of you're being so attached and looked forward to read the pages of Quran everyday then suddenly you don't feel like reading it. And you have lists of contemplation inside your mind - you're tired hence its permissible when it shouldn't be the excuse. 

And its sad. Really sad. 

And I know I need to make a step, to get myself out from these miseries. I gave up on my after shower sleep to get back into the deen track. After one whole day long submitting yourself for various world commitments - I should find a time , I should make a specific time for the One who gave me the constant strength to get through the day. 

Futur ( swept away in this world ) level KLCC dah ni, ke Burj Khalifa :( 

Now that I am back in the journey of tracing the old Anis, I hope I won't be among those Allah bless them with good things in life but eventually straying away from the deen line. 

Be among the grateful, whom Allah bless with so many things - even to the tinies raindrop on your clothes. 

Its raining outside, lets make the prayers :) 

Love, the'ann

Working Life

Your lawyer to be ( with legal fees attached haha )

October 06, 2017

I HAD SUCH A BUSY DAY TODAY, I was wondering why, I figured why - its because my lawyer is in office since morning and the amount of workloads are just massive. I no longer can sit back and relax ( like the first day ) studying all the alien technical terms . Usually she'll be in at noon. But good for me though, I sense the urge of getting my job done fast and precise. 

I am doing all the files, ( well serious business ) , making letters preparing documents, and attending clients. I used to freaked out when it comes to calls, but thanks to the 2 days of experience from the previous company , I kinda get used to that nervous feeling. Because its serious business, hence the pressure is just higher - and there's a need for you to know what exactly you're talking about.

My lawyer had a legitimate expectation that I would be able to learn and act like a lawyer ( because that's what I've been doing now ey ) , so I need to keep up with the expectation and jot down all the little details , plus with the pace. No joke its serious fast, but so far I am enjoying every bits of it. 

I've done my work for the week - perhaps scheduling some clients meeting for next week and seek for this one missing FILE OHMAIGADS mana dia hilang, its driving me partially crazy - because I was supposed to finish this kind of file today, at least that's the KPI I put for myself. And its weekend anyway, I don't want to think about who is this client and what sorts of things I need to do yada yada. So its all good for now alhamdulillah

I got excited ( yeay ) when I was meeting my boss and drafting the letters for the client, when she asked me to put into the lines, me , Cik Anis Najwa hewhew as the legal assistant ( I swear to you I was riding a unicorn with colourful horn and jumping over rainbows collecting bananas haha ) . Its one the acknowledgement , one side is the pressure. 

Well for the past few days I learnt that being in legal field , dealing with all sorts of human problems with all the technicalities - angry people with their unsettled business, one thing you got to learn is to be attentive. Its not just about whats on the paper - and people always deemed we law people are so rigid and serious. 

But really, attentive is the key. Its when you're able to place yourself in a position where you're ready to hear to someone's whatever things they had in mind and they just got nowhere to go. Sometimes they will tell us all those non relevant things but what to do, its the attentive service we're offering them.

Well there's just more to learn and I am making myself ready for it - I talked to my friend yesterday , basically a very good reminder to myself as well, 

One of the early keys to seek for happiness while working ( as I discovered for the past two weeks of being empolyed in two different companies ha-ha)  is to put or create the thirst in your mind - the side that wants to learn more/something, not just sticking with the mindset that we're working, submitting our effort for somebody or the company. 

Because it drains you a lot, as human doesn't like submission, not as much as they like gaining something for themselves. Hence I learnt from my own wise reminder ( HA HA HA ) and create that thirst of knowledge ( i sound kiasu ey ) 

Till then, lets get ready for class !

Love, the'ann

Self reflection

White black and grey

October 04, 2017

I find the blog as a very special place since it signifies me changing major phases in life, maybe not so many recorded inside here for pre-2012 which most of the posts in the earlier blog were clearly immature. 

But the fact that I can see myself growing up and its being recorded, somebody got to pat her own shoulders. You did well girl.

So I'm living my own dream and passion for now, well its not that I am so sure I am walking on the right track but I know, I am currently building the foundation of my dream based on my interest. I worked ( yeeeah you're reading it right, I'm now in my working phase yeay nayyy #definitelyhavesleepdebtstopay while doing my CLP. 

Well I attended a three days training and employed for 2 days before I firmly decided to leave the company. I notified my manager earlier that I have an upcoming interview in a law firm and the chances for me to quickly change my job is just so so so high.

I tried telling myself that its okay to venture into something different and perhaps its where I can discover my true calling, like maybe law wasn't for me ( like who knows ey ) But nayy I ventured into something that's not even my interest - not really a profit driven at the moment, and freaked out with calls - I mean research could be my jammed but calls erm no sorry

And now I'm currently working at an office and having my own partition lol - office ey? with hope I can keep this place tidy, longer than it should be haha. 

colour coordination went wrong haha
and yesterday I made up my mind - I can't forever stay in the phase where I seemed to allow those 'not okay' stuff in my life, I'm afraid that someday I am unable to tell what is right and what is wrong. Doing too much of sinful things could numb the sensible receptor. I am leading myself to a grey path which I know its clearly wrong - and I need to put a halt to it.

I need to retain the ability to to tell what is the white - what stands in the black side, and there's no grey shady area to it. 

I'm not allowing myself to sell my worth lower than it should be. I've turned into someone I dislike. I'm struggling here, but I know that Allah certainly making me gather my consciousness , tested me with an overdue sickness, that I will have multiple even tons of reasons to get back to Him. The fact that He made me think and reflect over things I have done in the past few weeks, I'm taking it as a good sign , while the sign is clear and visible , I should not waste it. 

and actually to make an active steps to cure the heart, to mend what need to be mended. 

I need more of these self reflection in the future - I need more physical sorting rather than queuing them up inside the mind and vanished through the thin air.  

Watched Azlin's video this morning about how frequent you talked to Allah outside your five daily prayers. Almost a no. And I'm trying to make it as a habit from now on rather than humming the songs. 

what a good insight to start the day. Alhamdulillah 

 Love, the'ann

suddenly September is ending already...

September 21, 2017

Unlike August where I wrote down most of the details about the life I've been going through, I barely put into records how my life is treating me in September. Perhaps even lesser in the future, since I don't have a WiFi connection in KL, and basically no time to open my laptop leuls 

I don't even get myself any proper pictures aside from post workout selfies hahahahahhahah not even places I went to, I keep my phone inside the beg most of the times for safety purposes - and also to make myself read moreeeeee ( I bought books for commuting purposes already , not too bulky haha to fit inside the bag ) 

One thing for sure I've been occupied with so many things , classes and interviews, and travelling back and forth from Kuala Lumpur to Melaka. There's always massive of reasons to be home especially when there's no class, and since I'm not professionally attached to any companies , I got to enjoy bits and pieces of this leisure time. 

Certificate of Legal Practice. 

Well to be honest initially I was in clear denial. I'm basically not ready for another year of revisions and tons of cases to be memorized. Plus I need to restart a pressuring life in Kuala Lumpur. 

But the first class, the law of evidence class kinda make me reset my mind and intention. It was quite funny and odd to say that you enjoyed your law classes, but I certainly do now. And all these while people saying CLP is hard, I am accepting that it is hard but I am not going to let that mindset harmed me and thus making me underestimate my own ability 

The classes are fun, I am not sure how I am going to juggle working and studying later, like would my energy level be affected, but for now I'm hoping that I will stay energized for classes. Yesterday Mariette my evidence lecturer was talking about Professor Ahmad Ibrahim, the one whom I looked up to in my legal pathways , it kinda make me so excited and I was practically so happy when she made a little trivia about my idol. 

Like how his academic views are being used in judgement , and it was about the standard of proof in criminal cases should just be beyond reasonable doubt. And the confusing languages used by previous judges ( I remembered how flowery the judgement was in Idris ) , doesn't set the standard higher - for circumstantial evidence cases , but a mere play of words . Affirmed by Tun Suffian in Jayaraman ? some need to do her revision. I even wanting to get a buku latihan sekolah for case wise memories. 

So I sounded law'ish isn't it haha , well indeed, its been running inside my blood for like 5 years now? I am not legally blonde, obviously not a blonde haha. Legally asian? haha


I went to two consecutive interviews for the Executive position, specifically an executive for the Business Development - the first day with the manager in charge, the next day was with the CEO. Had to do a pitching after the first interview before the second interview could take place. 

The first one was quite easy and simple. To be honest there's no clear guidelines on how to ace an interview, aside from the manners and the expressions you're offering throughout the session. You just need to be true to yourself and honest about whatever things they asked. And if you don't know, then say you don't know. Its okay that way I guess? 

But the second one is seriously no joke. Its not that I asserted it as jokes but it was seriously so nerve-wrecking. The questions are tough ( beyond what I've prepared for ) . Well here goes the questions ,

What if one day I put you to work in front of me, how are you going to handle the pressure. 
/ I just need to face it / 

Tell me what you do in the UK ? Easy peasy unless you have memories issues going on but not the next question. I told him about all the travelling and going here and there - because I applied for a conference producer position earlier in the same company and I guess I mentioned it in the earlier post, the job-scope requires you to travel around for conferences as well. 

Next question

You've been out and about all these while, how will it be to stay in the walls ( because this executive position is a work done indoor ) 
/ I have already expect such working environment , I will try my best to adjust myself /

Now the next question 

Okay that's you adjusting, how about for the company - how it will benefit/ help the company 
* I took a deep breath * * Just how I am going to answer this* 

and he made a comment on that ' I saw that you're taking a deep breath ' 

oh yeah sure you notice that. I repeated the same answer as above and caught dumbfounded I surrendered and maintained that smile haha

and the interview ended, he has no more questions to ask, neither the manager, oh the manager was with me all the time - mind that the CEO is an Australian I guess based on his accent, and I had a trouble time catching what he said exactly. I was subtly cursing myself ' What happened to your hearing abilities in the UK catching the accents ' throughout the session , and tried to maintain the eye contact so I don't look like I'm lost when I'm actually loss in my thoughts ha ha ha 

I guess the last question kinda secured me for the training this upcoming Monday - its after the 3rd day and they will have the assessment day to see whether you'll be hired on probation or not ( for another 2 months ) 

the CEO asked me whether I had a question

Honestly no I don't but I was pausing for a 30 second and I saw the career path paper on the table, there's this sudden idea, not really sudden actually since I've been thinking about it the day earlier. 

I asked him about the possibility of career advancement ( like can I make a shortcut to reach the junior executive level in a shorter period of time ) ( if I hit the target mentioned during my probation period ) if you wish to know the details of my question , hit me up on the email or whatever medium you can reach me. 

and that questioned impressed the CEO as he mentioned couple of times that he really love that thinking of mine - the mindset I had in mind. 

Hence I am starting my training next week for three days. and and and I'm actually thinking to take a half day off on Friday ( if I got hired lol ) because I'm scheduling an interview at a law firm 

The lecturers advice us to do an attachment at law firms so we will get better understanding about the things we learned in CLP, because its literally what it means, what you will be doing later in PRACTICE, like drafting claims and whatnot. so I am giving a serious thoughts on this matter , and whether its appropriate to take a half day off on your second day of getting hired - well its not certain yet that you're going to be hired lol - but lets just hope for the best. 

I've emailed the manager but no reply. Usually he's so responsive. Hmm I'm currently overthinking already - but I need to consult him on the matter isn't it , because he did knew that I'm currently looking for a legal kind of job. Or am I being too honest - helpppppp

damage done. Lets just wait for Monday to come. 
/at times like this I certainly dislike public holidays/ /I'm contradicting myself, I love holidays/ /or else I will not be home today

As for now I am keeping the companies name as secret - since its all still vague and not confirmed yet, but please do send me prayers if you reached this line, yes you, you who's reading. 

Pray for me that I'm later left with only one choice to embrace so I won't need to decide on things. Or with whatever choices I am making later will benefit the ummah as how it will benefits me.

On the other hand, I screwed one other interview and that was clearly due to my obvious lacking in preparation har har har I'm just so bad at it - hur 

Moving on 

I'm all good with this moving on thingy. It gets easier , I still do check on the person some times, to see the last seen basically haha - but it gets lesser these days and I am forever thankful for that. We did desired for each other but we both knew it won't work. We did actually tried to make it work, but I guess more than a half of me , and half of his side too , knew it won't work plus the distance. 

You know that sometimes the person is good. Fit to all the categories , but sometimes you just need to accept that you're not meant to be together. Well that's okay. Because I'm definitely happier now, less attached, things take time, so do I heh. 

enough said. too much of emotions updates. haha 

Love, the'ann


September 10, 2017

You know when it comes to the tittles, I kinda envied my brain like its mine but sometimes the creative parts come from nowhere - how can you be fancy at times like this haha hope this is making some sense, at least. 

Blergh here sounds cute, if you ever watched Hotel Translyvania , this will come with Sir Dracula impression of saying ' yo I don't say blergh blergh blergh' God guys please watch this for the sake of imagining how the tittle sound. 

So here I am still in MELAKA weh I was literally so over the moon for being able to come back home again, left home on Friday , went to a career fair, carefully dropped eight CV's since I printed only eight of them , I guess there's additional two I put it somewhere in the file for filing purpose ( need to print more and save one copy in case ) 

Went to my mum's friend house earlier, her Umrah friend, she's just so good at making friends, and I will be forever grateful that I have that partial traits. Ngueh ngueh. 

they said the best meet is the unplanned one, I guess haha. And my dad is smiling brightly, hence I need to put it here :p

yeah I rejected my first work offer - I don't understand myself really. I went to the interview twice, after each interview I was like nayhhh they won't call me for the second time, they turned don my negative thoughts and called me late evening when I was meeting my GE'EF. 

Had a serious working conversation in the Uber ride because I was negotiating about the working hours since I have classes to juggle with. 

They said it can be discussed and I went to the second interview, after I had a long tiring day walking around KL Central trying to figure whereabouts of Plaza Central for a conference producer interview. I can say that it is my thing, educational professional and networking with CEO's with all the travelings. 

But I have CLP ahead me and I can say for that like 45 minutes interview most of them is about how I am going to do CLP and this work. 

Of course the answer to that is I don't know, I need to try. My life is so uncertain and I am accepting it, like how can I offer you a very certain convincing ideas sir. 

They called for second time but one question they asked, the work requires me to travel around, will I be okay with that? 

THAT'S MA THING OF COURSE I'LL BE OKAY MY MUM SAID I NEVER STAYED HOME FOR THE PAST ONE MONTH but I said, if its not too much, I am okay ( because realistically I have CLP ahead me) and I invested quite a lot of money in that. So as Malay quote says 

Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang di kendong berciciran? 

I tell myself that maybe after one year I might consider applying the same position if they offered one, tempting isn't it. I got rejected of course but that's for the best. 

And I've put my stuff in my new home in Kuala Lumpur, and will be going back on Wednesday I guess since my class starts at 6. Facing the reality and I don't mind commuting from Melaka to Kuala Lumpur, got to enjoy the chilling time before turning into a complete adult. 

blergh, sometimes being an adult seems fun because you're taking control of your own life and fancy all the responsibilities but part of me dislikes it. 

Someone used to say to me that soon I'll mature ( cehhhh saying I'm not matured la tu ) through these phase. 


And on the side note, I confronted my mushy feelings with the person who caused it. I thought initially I'll opt for an unrequited love which sounds E W W W W W but its not me. 

To me its a waste of time, feelings and energy - I hate being in that draggy phase. But no offence I have my respect for those who does. ( hats off ) 

So I tell the person all the things I had in mind and I am thankful that he's cooperating . He made me think and as I expected , I am able to move on faster, healing better than dealing it alone, and for now I am trying to go back to my old self. 

I went brutally honest, ignored the butterflies feeling, I guess I am just that blunt when it comes to this not so important thing but occupying my head like there's no tomorrow. 

Rasa macam girls power sangat sebab able to talk about matters like this, because I know girls tend to keep it to themselves and have massive of doubts and expectations, like a mere view in an instagram stories from the person they're expecting to view it - means hell lots of things that can cause different species of butterflies flying inside the stomach, can make butterflies zoo also.

when in reality they viewed to kill time, or its just there, changing stories - sometimes they don't even bother unmuting the sounds. Blergh.

I hate to be in that blergh phase.

Gurlllll , you need to be realistic and just don't overthink.

Confront while you can. And resolve it fast. You have tons of things to be achieved ahead you, be it careers, travelings , owning properties, giving back to your parents while they are still alive. Don't settle for less, or put marriage as the only goal. I mean you're lucky if you already found your another half, but for those who don't , seriously muster up and brace the world !

ceh said someone who had troubles dealing with her own emotions 🙊

I am taking control haha 💃

Love, the'ann