Alhamdulillah by the time I'm writing this , its the last day of 2016. Been scrolling instagram this evening , I'm wondering how my 2016 had been going so far. 

Perhaps I'm in my post-homesick days  , my parents sent me off last three days ( since my bus was at 5.50 pm and they board at 7.30 ) , they arrived home on the 29th December. 

I'm currently finishing my EU and hope to keep my resolutions to myself. Lets keep continuing keeping things to yourself and Him. 

Ahlan wasahlan 2017 :)

December !

Ola Disember ! ( menarik gila existence of emoji's ni )

I don't precisely remember whether is there any post up for December. To be precise its exhausting these days , I'm juggling between workloads and my 'g' letter on the laptop keyboard. Dropped a thick law book(s) on it and my life is just as messy as the 'g' letter gets , I tried many times to put it into place , its just not cooperating so well T__T 

I've been staying awake till after 12 these days ๐Ÿ˜ด

But alhamdulillah , by the time I'm writing this down , I've sent my commercial assignment yesterday , printed my trust assignment downstairs and I've done company class test last Tuesday , and not to mention additional infringement of human right company law class because its done on Wednesday 1-3 ( 2 hours consecutively lols ) the fact that I went to the class and got really moody for that two hours was really not so brilliant of me. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

The last week of the term got me half mad with all the workloads . Last week I was really in distressed thinking about burning the weekend for Ini Sejarah Kita , as I am one of the presenter but certainly everybody else did more than I do exactly , I don't do much to be exact , then I had this daurah on Sunday. It was a hectic Friday last week , I went to the city to prescribe a new pair of glasses , I lost them during Mamma Mia show I guess , then walked back for class , then I got trust tutorial at 4 till 5 ( with loads of questions and they're dragging the time ๐Ÿ˜’and I'm in a rush to perform Maghrib  ) , nevertheless went for a 15 laps of swim at 6.45 non stop till 7.45 . I got back home around 8 , spin my swimming clothes and pack . Then rushed to Darul Isra' for a sleepover at the Islamic centre with the juniors , exhausting but reviving at the same time. 

Not knowing its already Thursday by the time I'm writing this , and alhamdulillah sorting things out. Indeed Allah is the one that holds the time , He indeed blessed the time for me , it was a limited one in humans perspective but all praises to Him for making things to fall into places. At times where I spent the whole day at the table , the moment I lied down on the bed , I realized how blessed the time was ( because I'm utilising the time given ) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

And I have this abrupt unplanned trip to Venice and Milan ๐Ÿ˜ช on the 10th December , just what have gotten into my mind , but nayy since I bought them all the tickets and everything , lets just do this . A four day off is what I need , but basically you yourself know travel isn't a day off really , its a day finally you're out of bed doing something good. 

December , it seems like some of the resolutions I made in January were not accomplished at all , some progressing well , like berlapang dada dengan surrounding. I guess I'm better at that now , leaving everything to Him , asking Him to make me feel at ease in whatever trials He's giving me. ๐Ÿ™†

Oh I remembered there's this one time I asked someone , what he loved to do in his free time , and he said there's nothing he can do without the existence of a woman in his life , and that had turned me down ๐Ÿ˜•, despite the good name he owned . I seriously think that someone should really be able to tell what they love to do , so we won't get stuck together after marriage for example , there should always a room for yourself at least. 

I think for now I'm enjoying what life had to offer at the moment and striving for anything I could. 

adorable girls with big hearts , the juniors I guess you guys should be featured here haha 

bye autumn , hi winter ! ( perhaps my favourite season above all seasons )

my last winter here ๐Ÿ˜ญ

A journey I'm opting till the day I die

Tadi keluar satisfy sweet tooth housemate , pastu macam mana tah boleh tersembang pasal borang BM ( Baitul Muslim ) 

Last time I saw the form was last year , I mean in 2016 still but in my second year , bukak kejap usha what are the things they asked inside it.  Basically it's like a self evaluation form - describe yourself and whatnot . Its a form where you kinda need people's idea / description about you. Oh baru teringat , mungkin boleh masuk topik BM ni sebab on the way ke Kaspas tu ( the dessert place ) my housemate compliments my cooking today tahap dia terfikir ( dan dia cakap ) ' wuish siapa yang kahwin dengan najwa ni untung gila ' ( dan kalaulah kahwin tu revolve around masak je , mungkin dah boleh kahwin dari tahun tahun lepas la kan huuuui ) 

Oh k back to the form , sampai satu tahap tu , soalan yang aku pause ( dan kinda taknak isi last year ) ialah 

Prospect dakwah

( idk the exact wording but basically asking about projection individu untuk masa depan dalam dakwah dan tarbiyah ) 

I can't answer that last year sebab satu benda yang keep playing inside my head ' I don't see myself in dakwah and tarbiyah lepas habis belajar ' as if its an obligation yang boleh buat masa ada kelapangan je. 

And slowly Allah answered resolves my doubt subtly during summer holiday and sets of daurah I went for masa third year. Sangat banyak event yang Allah susun untuk tunjuk ' You better see yourself in dakwah tarbiyah ' 

the spark was the car ride with Kak Akhma balik Ramadhan program - then conversation dengan ibu balik daurah ' Teruskan semua ni even dah habis belajar ' , because it comes from someone so dearly to you , its like getting a big support to accelerate dalam jalan ni  

And I'm kinda seeing myself , gaining confidence nak isi borang tu , and I told my housemate yang

 ' I don't know how but dakwah tarbiyah ni adalah benda yang kita nak buat sampai kita mati ' 

and harapnya Allah redha and choose me to stay in the journey.

By saying that impliedly saying I need to be ready with anything yang Allah nak uji. Sebab I definitely know yang He won't let me to say I am among the believers without being tested. 

I never know how to express this but I am grateful dengan susunan Allah - setahun yang lepas dakwah dan tarbiyah mungkin tergerak dengan paksaan yang halus ( my kakak usrah is a pro with this kening kening and I am forever grateful for that ) - setahun lepas mungkin baca article berunsur tarbiyah tak rasa kesannya

Daurah minggu lepas sangat sangat mengubah ruang pandang , mengisi segala kekosongan bagi perkara yang masih ada lompong dalam kepala though its not directed directly for me as I went there as a facilitator . Walaupun contemplate masa nak pergi , dua tiga orang cakap ' Ada tu tarbiyah yang Allah nak bagi ' 

And indeed , sangat banyak. Usually people get pengisian ' Qaedah Sulbah ' being the creme of the crop masa daurah summer after first year , tapi first year summer holiday aku tak merasakan yang aku kena pergi daurah daurah tu , jadi aku dapat input ni masa dah insyaAllah setahun bergerak dalam gerabak dakwah dan tarbiyah. 

Aku nak sangat dapat tulis setiap perasaan tu dalam ni  tapi aku tahu aku tak mampu nak susun pun nak mula dari mana dan macam mana , tapi I wish to make it a topic yang aku akan sembang dengan orang sebab aku nak deliver dia dengan kata kata and perasaan. 


Behind the making of Pay It Foward article.


' Never to undermine someone's effort , be it a small deed , or a meaningless one to you ' 

This brings me back to 2012 where I got angered , annoyed precisely ( and I expressed it ) when someone posted lots of posts that defeats the purpose of why the group existed. And the quote above , even its not the real wording of it , but its from my ustazah which this phrase stuck inside my head , till now. And for something to stay inside your head for quite a long time , there must be a very good reason beneath it , and today ( or for the past few days might be one of the answers why ) 


( I have this issue of self confidence going on , hence I might ask everyone to ignore my picture featured there T.T ) 


Earlier today the article about Pay It Forward , Cardiff version , written by Noelle was up on the site . As what she said , we exchange few tweets and she emailed me - saying that she wanted to make an article out of it. At first when she notified me through the tweet , I was of course happy someone looked up online for the tiny project. Though to be honest I don't really mind if no one does because to fit its  original purpose , which to pay things forward , basically do good to others without repaying the initial doer. 

And it never came across my mind ( at all ) that someone will make an article out of it , because to me , seriously its a very small project , a random weekly project with my Khawlah ( used to be Haifa's * my former usrahmates , which I hardly moved on from * Khawlah hihi ) , and I said to her , many times , that it's really nothing much ( at least for us ) because what we did was happily writing those notes , googling quotes online , went through the cupboard for any sweets left to be distributed , luckily my housemate bought a plastic of kopiko and someone bought a box of chocolate for the house ( which later we distributed them ) , too many chocolate consumptions might not be good for the household ey? Not to mention , the papers we used are Haziqah's ( my previous kakak usrah , haven't really moved on isn't it? I miss Ayyash a lot !

The idea wasn't really mine though , every time before having usrah with the girls , I will discuss / consult with my usrahmates on what to do this week - they gave ideas on to do continue what we learned last week , which we watched 'Pay It Forward' movie and reflected upon phrases in Surah Al- Baqarah , ayat 261 onwards that speaks about charity . So basically it Mira and Ajlaa that suggest to manifest it into deeds , and just so you know , or you might have known that I'm affected most by words , hence why I suggested to Khawlah to make notes with random words for random strangers. Because it touches me , so it might as well touches others. 

Later I received an email from the writer of the article  saying that she wanted to meet me , ( which where  the conversation channelled from twitter to email * which indirectly showing the intention of making it serious increases* ) to interview about the project .

 I was anxious , and knowing myself , I agreed upon meeting her  ( and hence the nerve-wrecking episode ) , that night I was practicing with the dolls gang on the bed on what words shall I use in exchange to some terms like ( usrah ) ( kakak usrah ) and whatnot. 

The day 

I woke up early that day ( nayy I doubt it ) , after discussing with my mom on what shall I cook - and we arrived to a conclusion - cekodok it is ! ( and I said its Vegetable fritters * since I put in carrots and potatoes , and onions which makes it qualified enough to be called vegetable fritters haha ) ,  in that mean time , I got tons of butterflies flying inside my stomach figuratively . I rarely established any dakwah and tarbiyah conversation with non muslim , even there's not much talking happening with the locals ( perhaps due to un-match interests ) , so my tongue got twisted even way before the conversation starts. This had indirectly doubled the anxiousness , and I do doubt my decision on meeting her that day. 

This reminds me of Prophet Musa , in his stories that Allah kept it recorded . He used to be a man who's not really good with his words , I wonder how hard was it for him , and he's in a tougher  situation where he's conveying the truth to a person that claims himself as the god. May Allah bless you Prophet Musa , lets have some tea later in the paradise and I might as well introduced to you the invention of crispy coated chicken we had in the 20th century , which we called KFC haha

Back to the story  , right at 10.00 am she knocked the door and we had this conversation about the project and I don't know how the conversation got diverted , and she asked what Khawlah means and what is it actually , so I could only think of that its an Islamic study group. And she asked what we usually do in the group , and I said that we usually reflected on the Qur'an phrases , sometimes we discussed about issues happening around us. 

And at one point when I said that we're doing this because the world outside there is too cruel and we believe in these kind of small gestures , she asked about Islamophobia and the term of jihad itself ( tadaaaaada if you can see my nerves working inside my brain , its a chaos up there )  , alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah , though it was not really an accurate kind of answer but I said to her that jihad is not limited in the context of war / killing , which that is not all about the jihad itself. Jihad to me , to us is about submitting something good to Allah , so it can be in the terms of studying itself. And even if we're talking about wars , there are limitations and guidance to it ( such as not to kill children , old people , women and not to touch the plants ) . 

Nevertheless , all religion preaches good thing , no religion preaches you to do something bad . And the problem with the current situation is that people only take a part of the religion , example ; the need of doing jihad towards Allah but they don't take the part where Allah wants you to do good to people , or to what extent does the people behave in certain ways that allows you to take action on them. 

And towards the end of the discussion she asked me , whether will it matters to us if someday people take over the trophy and claimed that its them who start the project ? And since its not even ours to begin with , it doesn't matter at all. 

After all , everyone do good things in their life , everyone wants to do good in their life , and sometimes this is not about changing others , but its about changing you. Changing your heart :)

Little notes , small token of appreciation , perhaps the smallest gesture of smile - its about offering things up to the extend you're not expecting something in return. Not even a short 'thank you' , but to offer 'thank you' to people who offers you kindness , even bad things , is encouraged. And beneath that , its the intention that really matters. Because at the end of the day , if you're doing it with a wrong intention , it will be meaningless , and some day you will want to bring this on the judgement day  , as one of the thing you have done in the world. If its tainted with bad thoughts and greediness , it might be worthless isn't it? 

And indeed Allah knows what is inside your heart and may He make us , the steadfast one insyaAllah. 

So that's it , perhaps the things I could recall along the process. If you're reading this through , thank you for the support , excuse my bad English ( limited vocabulary and jumbling up grammars ) but I hope that someday this will reminds me of my days in Cardiff , and perhaps be the reason to be among the grateful ones. I don't get the chance to take a picture with the writer but I will insyaAllah in the future :)  

To be honest , the credit should really go to the people around me , for making it to happen alhamdulillah :) 

Resolving the 'feeling of being wanted'

This motion could actually lead me to a partial depression. I guess it happened many times in the week / weeks that I am in need of a great force to resolve this feeling , wanting to be wanted by somebody. And this does not specifically applies to a woman - man relationship , because I'm having such issue , like in friendship.

I tried many times reciting this mantra which leads the tears to fall down , which to make myself feels suffice with Allah alone. Suffice Allah in any of your life affairs. Allah alone suffice , Allah alone suffice for you. And to He who knows all affairs definitely knows this is perhaps one of my lowest point.

I used to feel so carefree sharing about events that happened in my life , and realized one day that we're not in an equal kind of relationship , because I am just no ones choice to tell about their stories. And I used to tell myself that its about people's preferences and you should respect it.

But some days hit me hard , I stopped telling almost everyone things I used to share with them. Its not that I'm expecting an equal kind of gesture in return , but because of the feeling of not wanted. It requires a big effort to actually tell myself that I'm standing in the best position He wants me to stand at .

Its pretty hard ey ? For not expecting at least , a tiniest thing in return? I thought this feelings were derived from the fact that I'm not being grateful with the blessings I had in my life. You might not know how hard it is to give assurance to yourself that it's okay , you're actually in many people's prayer. I tried to encounter each of negativity with blessings I got in my life and sometimes its just too hard.

someday the people who used to have you in their life for specific reasons , once they acquired what they wanted , they will leave you behind and perhaps I was one of the person who left right after I acquired something from that someone  . Karma.

Well I will just keep reciting the mantra

Suffice Allah in all of your affairs.

Human is the agent of contagious kindness

I was in the rush of completing my tutorial because I badly want to write on the blog , the writing is beyond horrible I know  . Lama sangat dah rasa pumped up to write inside the blog. Sampai aku ponder adakah aku sedang hidup dalam hidup yang membosankan. When actually I'm living a pretty meaningful life or maybe its just me who perceive it that way. 

Kadang aku rasa sebenarnya stressed out to keep a one language writing , which it sounds good for international read but somehow that affects my passions. I realized bila tengok balik balik post lama , aku rasa macam weh mana hilang Najwa yang ni , yang bila dia ponder upon something terus dia tulis and share her thoughts. I had a lot of things running inside my head but somehow aku jadi orang yang lebih selesa untuk simpan segala macam perkara tu dalam kepala. And perhaps I'm brilliantly drawing the line between what / what not to be shared online. 




Earlier today we had a movie evening , can't even call it a night because it's literally done in the evening. But before we start , we reflected upon the second surah , Al-Baqarah , ayat 260-269. The longest surah in the quran , and these specific range of ayat tells us about doing good deeds , the importance of 'tak ungkit' anything that we give to people , fears of poverty by giving . 

We combined two usrah group , though I was a bit scared that my adik adik usrah will not be okay with the big crowd ( according to the past experience and perhaps my own stigma ) , but I had to do so , because for me personally , dakwah and tarbiyah requires you to grow up.

Perhaps growing up includes leaving some comfort zone and challenged yourself . I just wanted them to feel its totally okay to mingle with a big crowd  , familiarizing themselves in a surrounding that many people want to do good in their life , and there's this one tiny phrase one of them uttered just now caught my attention ( the fact that it stays inside my mind till now , its rather significant )  when someone is knocking the door ( and somebody responded ; hahhh siapa lagi datang tuu * can't really recall the exact wording ) 

Eh biarlah , takkan kau nak buat baik ( kebaikan ) sorang sorang? 

and perhaps at the moment , somehow mungkin aku je yang ada stigma yang they're ( my adik adik ) facing a hard time of growing up , when actually aku sebenarnya orang yang limit their growth . Maybe I was driven by the fact that I want them to feel what I felt back then , it was really a pleasant feeling to see myself , went through the hard phase of mingling with people ( though you might not see that struggle struggling inside me ) , because somebody else had a trust inside me that I can. 

And I'm putting my trust on these girls from now on , that they will grow up beautifully . And perhaps its just because I love them , that I want good things to happen to them. 

 And somehow that brings me back to one of my post in the past which I hardly understand now , but the essence of the post is about ( bolehlah kot nak visit the old me speaking hahah )  ; Wanting to be someone better. 

Back in Ramadhan 2013 , that was in my second / third semester I couldn't recall , I was facing a struggle that I want to be better and I am in my best phase of changing , which is in Ramadhan. Masa tu memang sangat sangat nak jadi baik , but at the moment when I went to musolla for terawikh , I can't stand the fact that many people pun turun sekali , sebab aku rasa sebab ramai nilah surau beraircond tu jadi panas secara tiba tiba. ( terbakar jap kan haha ) In the same post I reflected that

 takkanlah kau nak buat baik sorang sorang , all these people yang turun surau ni orang orang yang nakkan kebaikan untuk diri diaorang jugak , wasn't that supposed to make you happy ? Huh? 

Oh and the movie we watched this evening was ' Pay It Forward ' , a movie that was produced by in 2000. The idea of the movie is a person do good to three people , and instead of repaying back the kindness , they will pay the kindness forward to more people. Example , I paid for your lunch today , and someday you will repay my treat , by helping a blind stranger to cross the road . 


That literally makes 'kindness can be contagious ' 

and that makes me reflected on Surah Al-Insan ( 76 )

There's this one phrase , in a dialogue form , said by human

 ' We're not doing these to expect anything in return neither asking for 'thank you' from you , we're doing this for the sake of pleasing Allah '. 

That brings me back to the old me , I once cried when I was expecting at least a 'thank you' from my family members because I was 'exhausted' ( macam penat sangat kannnn gaya dia ) for doing all the house chores ( when I actually did not do 'ALL' ) , and I vividly remembered that my father makes a joke out of it , he kept repeating thank you that time and I'm frustrated of course. 

Dan mungkin hikmah Allah masih ingatkan aku tentang insiden tu sampai sekarang , is for me to notice this one single ayat at the time yang aku dah mula berfikir reasons beneath the ayat ( walaupun kau mungkin dah lima juta kali khatam Quran ) . Kau buat kerja kerja rumah ni patutnya tak payah harap ucapan terima kasih , or even belanja makan or anything , tapi sebab kau nak redha Allah. I know its sounds vague , and how to even know we acquired redha Allah tu , but perhaps starts with 

' I'm doing this not expecting anything in return ' ( nanti Allah bayar waktu lain insyaAllah ) 

Al-Insan literally means Human , and there is always reasons why the surah named differently , most surah covers more than a single topic , and perhaps we hardly establish the correlation between the name of the surah and the content of the surah. ( like Al-Baqarah literally means : Lembu Betina ) . 

But for me , specifically for Al-Insan , the surah named Human and Allah speaks Himself about human will give the thing that he loved to the poor and unfortunate people  and they are doing it to please Allah. Ironically , in real life practice , kita manusia ni antara makhluk yang susah nak bagi benda yang kita sayang dekat orang , kalau bagi pun kita mesti akan bagi dekat orang yang kita related to , bukan some poor strangers out there. 

And nak katanya yang Allah ni memang kenal manusia , he continues for like 10 phrases that He will reward a fascinating reward ( He describes the heavenly heaven ) ( And dia definitely tahu yang kita manusia ni fascinated dengan reward ) , and this is for the people whom with patience of doing what that pleases Him. He mentioned PATIENCE twice in the same page ( 579 ) , which to really test the perks of being a human , with a very limited sabar ( patience ) 

Towards the end of Surah Al - Insan , He gave assurance to human that if you want something good for yourself , then walk towards Him. Knowing that the journey of pleasing Him is not an easy one , and He said ' Kau tidak mampu menempuh jalan tu  kecuali apabila dikehendaki Allah ' , and moga moga kita antara orang yang Allah bagi tempuh jalan tu , because after all we're breathing , having a life because of His blessings. 

InsyaAllah. 

Telemovie ; Izinku Kembali

I couldn't contain my sadness any longer watching this Izinku Kembali , I've been watching Tiz Zaqyah's telemovie for the past week , some drowned me into frustration because I couldn't really tolerate the unclear story line but this Izinku Kembali ( though I kept wondering where 'Kan' between Izin and Ku missing ) is an exception. 

The story : 

Its a story about a single mother , divorced by her husband because his another wife refuse polygamy when the husband initially says that he will keep the marriage for the sake of the children as long as the first wife gave the permission for him to marry another one . Things got worse when they need to move out from the house as his husband were in debt , and she couldn't afford to pay for the rent. Tiz Zaqyah ( named Ara in the movie ) had two children , a son and a daughter. The son was rebelling towards the situation and got into some troubles with the teenage at the village , I partially hated him for not compromising or even trying to make it easier for the mum but he actually got some soft sides as a brother and still got that sense of responsibility of a son. Eventually as typical teenagers , he did went into trouble again and again which makes it harder for Ara who was thinking how to take care of the daughter who falls sick due to kidney failure. I couldn't blame him though , he was at one of his toughest time to deal with his parents separation and he ought to say that life will be much easier if he live with the father. Oh I forgot the husband married a wealthy woman ; it goes without saying that he is living in a pretty good life. The son blames Ara for being the one who asked for a divorce , but as usual he only captures the part where the mother says so , but not the earlier part when the father who initiate the separation. 

Though I thought at some points its just ridiculous how things get worse each time , and life never been easy for her. Some of the villagers even badmouth behind her for being a beautiful widow that will seduce their husbands. But that's the reality  , people will talk bad things about you , even for the things you haven't done wrong for , and for some what she felt was just a beginning of what's life is actually offering to you. And because she's the mother , she must be the strongest one , the one who needs to work for the family , WHEN EVERYTHING IS SO HARD FOR HER TO BARE ( scream inside while crying on the outside ) . I can't help but understand how Ara feels . 

But you can actually expect that first son went to the father's place and the step mother ( the second wife ) is excellently following the Cinderella stepmother scheme , the evil one , the one who claims that he was the one who helps the husband escaping the miseries. The son now worked in the second wife's house as a gardener. It saddens me to see the father helplessly allow that to happen . But this is perhaps a very good lesson to the son because finally he realized what's the reality .  I guess the son really plays a powerful role , we owe so much to his rebelling side because that hits the father's hard. 

Luckily , Ara found a friend , who offers her emotional help , the friend is also a single mother. The friend brought her to support circle for people who's experiencing the same situation as hers. I wish that I will keep the same kind of friend till the very end. 

WOW WOW WOW 

THE FATHER FINALLY STOOD UP ! ( this what happened when you are writing while watching the movie )  ouw that slap on the second wife feels so real. 

Now I get it , Izinku Kembali actually applies to the father and the son. Even though the father does not really appear that much in the story. What unique about Ara's character is such doesn't hold grudge , forgetting what happened is never possible , and I believe a woman with such good hearts forgives like Ara does because its for the sake of the children. If its according to the story I don't think the parents got back together . And the father sacrifice his kidney to save the daughter. The ending of the story is so simple , they took a photograph together on the son's graduation day. 

I know it may sounds clichรฉ enough but that's what film / telemovie producers should have been doing , highlight some hidden reality behind clichรฉ corporate world. What I love about this movie is that it shows the realistic side of the world , things will hit you hard , and it will not get easier over one night. Ara's friend said in one of the scene that 'You can never expect things will magically heal , you need to work something out' . Her role as an outsider played well because that's what outsiders do , you can never deny the emotional help though it may sounds helpless. Even if they never stand in our shoes. 

For a very short story , an hour an a half , this television movie is grasp really well and I love it !

Bade Hj Azmi , bravo ! 

Some quotes I love from the movie is when the son refused to eat dinner ( which looks like a cat's food ) and says that he won't get wiser by eating those , Ara replied ' Back then the prophet only eats dates but his message spreads to the world ' and 

' Not even once what happened in our life is coincidence , its by fate ( by good reason ) and God is never wrong ' 

Bersyukur , nanti Allah tambah lagi :)


Mungkin saja kau lupa untuk bersyukur tatkala kau mula membanding - bandingkan takdir kau dan manusia yang 'lebih' dalam segala hal.
And above all , you forgot about the people who might looked up to your life and wonder how lucky you are for living in such a beautiful fate.  And currently I am that ungrateful phase and it breaks my heart reading through the captions I used to write in the past . The one who knows how to be grateful just by looking at the dead leaves when winter's approaching. The one who sees animals are more than just a four legged creature with a pointy cute nose. Now , here I am doubting whether its really me who jot down all those reflecting points - for being who I am now is just sad. 

I might said in the past , the reason why I kept the photos along with reflection caption , which to show to my child , to my grandchildren that your mother used to be this cool and thoughtful , not knowing it was kept as a reminder to myself , to be grateful for every fold of episodes in my life. You doesn't need to wait to be that 'cool' and 'thoughtful' to your descendent , enough with being thoughtful to the present you. 

The incomplete law clans since 2014. 


Today maghrib is at 4.55 pm and it may be the start of the gloomy days , Cardiff haven't rain that much like last year , and I am glad that it happened that way. I know some days can be much worse than feeling worthless like in the past days , but I shall start counting blessings , and perhaps write more than I used to do. 

I did post up on my instagram that I experienced some symptoms of being depressed by watching the black dog depression video. Saved it for weeks , not bothering to watch because I think my stress level is manageable , well perhaps its just me thinks that way. After a very long rest , I went for a swim , completed 12 laps in 45 minutes , 24 times going back and forth the pool. The moment I stood up to catch some breath and offering a sweet smile to people around , my body heated up and it feels so good.  Wishing to make it weekly , an hour shall be good. £4 for every session but compared to the money I spent for foods (for example) , £4 is a good investment for the body aite? It should be. I just googled what swimming does to your body , just realized I've been doing the breaststroke all the time haha. That's perhaps what I am best at , for now , free style needs more concentration , I cannot. 

And I went for a short trip 45 minutes away from Cathays ( the place I lived at ) to Barry Island. Its not that I am immuned to dogs because there's a lot of them running freely there , the place is so comforting that I wish to go there again , some days in the weekdays. Spent some times with my fellow sisters from Bristol and I am so glad that I decided to join them. 

Yet there are many things to be grateful for each day. 

the highest I can go haha

missing them and the KFCs sobs

indeed my happy pills of the day 

right after the pose I was like camne nak turun ni hahaha
Anis Najwa , don't you realize how blessed you are for being who you are , where are you standing , manifestasikan kesyukuran hatta dalam fikiranmu bukan sekadar pada lisanmu. 

:)

Funny how one single person might affect your mood. Earlier I saw someone running on my time-line , someone I devoted my feelings to for about four years. Wondering how the person is doing in real life and all I wish is for the person to stay safe wherever he might be. Ironically love always deemed as wanting to keep the person you loved close , but I am totally fine of letting things go , and keeping it alive in prayers. Let Him alone do His best job to keep them safe. 

Indeed that four years were never a waste to me. Because all I did was looking at you from a distance and never wish for more. 

To you who will never know how significant you are to me , in the past - May Allah keeps you in His blessings. 


Spent last night pondering about the things I regretted for not trying to try , because  I got the insight of how difficult it could be , and rather to take up the challenges , I just don't try.

Thought that I'm brave enough , thought that I've tried so many little things , when I do so little. Sometimes I think I am too comfortable at my own pace , and it started with comparing with other people's pace. It might sounds not good since you know yourself better but you can't help it but to feel bad.

in fact ,

I've stopped trying for so many things ; I put too much consideration to it , I claimed that I am tired

when I didn't do much

perhaps I am no longer living in the fancy world
and I finally realized life is just hitting me hard.




Its the first month of my third year here !

I don't really have much things to share this days , its not that I'm lazy infact I am currently living a pretty good 22 going 23rd next year woman kind of life. Woke up early in the morning , ( don't go to bed again after subuh ) , bath early , had breakfast on time ( usually breakfast in the past combine both breakfast and lunch  , and later lunch again ha ha ) 

its just that I'm pretty ( not ) occupied and so into my third year. The workloads are not piling up for now since I am doing it on time and I can't really manage last minute anxiety. Did I tell you guys I am all free on Monday and Wednesday ( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaexcitement ) but I considered it as my bonus time to fast and revisions ( not to mention ). I've been thinking on how to cope with 8 am - 5.00 pm stress , got the glimpse of the feeling last summer , but now I'm back to a very relaxed timetable , I might find myself struggling in the future. 

I took like four modules this year ( basically four for every year - double semester ) and its all dry subjects , which don't really need any personal judgements. and I favours all of them ( kenyit mata ) , because its all interconnected with each other. I took company law which basically revolving around managing a business . Earlier , I was returning a book to a seller and saw Ltd in their company's name , suddenly that three letters gave me the whole idea what type of the company they're running. All these while I thought its there to FANCY things . Next , I took Commercial Law which mainly focusing on how a business to business transact with each other , not the figures but the law that regulates / facilitate them. The other two subjects are mandatory subjects , EU Law and trust . Luckily I was so into macro economics during A-levels , so EU law is something that suits my liking even it doesn't really touch the economics part ( we're in law class anyway ) . On the other hand , trust is unique since it triggered lots of curiosity inside my head. Thanks to my short internship dealing with conveyancing , it lessen my trauma towards all these technical land property thingy. 

So far , that's whats been happening in this one month. I did went to Birmingham last two weeks for a daurah , a weekend retreat. Me myself is figuring the things I've been doing all these while. I certainly think I make a full use of the time , since I opened all those social medias only like once daily , and not for a long period of time. Perhaps I'm busy entertaining my kiasu'ness to keep the house/ the room clean all the time , that is so not me , but since its a good kind of kiasu , I will be very happy then. And I know for certain , the reality is really treating me so well. 

Missing home. Like always



People I've been spending my reality with. 


and with this too with no exception haha. 

Just some little updates

Still got many traffics for the US , I'm wondering why . It scares me , a bit haha

Got myself a pair of sketchers today , which I never thought of having one. But the shoes I bought last week ( its permissible to get another pair since its 80% off the original price and its considered cheap £12 for a waterproof shoes , and just got a chance to try it ) ( doing some justification here ) biting my foot , and I'm literally tortured all the way from the house to the city. Not giving a long thought of getting a new one ( moreover on the price )  since my foot are in need of a comfy shoes asap.

I went for a weekend retreat last weekend , which we called it daurah. And its a program , more like a training program of becoming a more proactive person of spreading dakwah and basically a platform to make you a better you , because some of the points touched things like how to improve your human - human relationship. Got to acquire some skills isn't it?

lama dah tak main ulat ni haha

I shall start to translate a letter for my sister. Adios.


Sharing spaces

Soon ( officially ) a third year student. Met a guy who promotes internet services yesterday and he asked us whether we're freshers or in our second year and he was so surprised to hear that we're in our final year ( or its just a promoting gimmick ) ( now I'm in doubt ) but that definitely made my day ! 
Arrived ( the freezing ) Cardiff at 3.30 am , waiting for the taxi to arrive for about half an hour with just a layer of clothes bravooooo and alhamdulillah settling fine in the new house. Gahh I always love the vibes new houses had to offer , its like we're having a refresh start with a whole new environment .
meet the space I am talking about her her her 

Anyway , since day one till today , we're receiving like a non-stop visit from people all around , from landlords to postmen , the house painter , people coming to stay a day or two while they're visiting Cardiff and some freshers coming to the house. I might see myself as someone who're not really good at entertaining guest , I had that one problem of sustaining a good relationship , or in guest terms , establishing a continuous service ( talking to serving ) , coupled with internal issue of sharing spaces , its just too sad for myself. Its bad I know and I am trying to fix this. I gradually asked whether they're okay , or perhaps a jug of warm tea will do ( though it doesn't stay warm for long har har ) 

Talking about sharing spaces , I always wondered * usually when I scrolled the social medias and looking at new couples * aside from asking ' How did they know they are ready for marriage ' , a vital question I had to question is ; how they even share spaces. Spaces here is more about private spaces , room and especially the bed. I remembered in my first year , a friend of mine came to the house and wanted to sleep with me , but I eventually slept on the chair because I can't really share my space. Sometimes it gets worser as sometimes I refused to let people to come into the room. 

Later I learnt , this is about trust issue , I guess the disability , or refusing to share spaces is about building high walls that stops people to penetrate in , because by sharing spaces it means that you've put the trust on the person you're sharing it with. Because these are the people who will see the involuntary side of you who perhaps move a lot on bed , kick almost of the soft toys , refused the duvet or even snoring ( can't help haha ) , the sides that you keep it to yourself . I do let some of my close friend to share the bed with me , and when I'm talking about some , its just like 2/3 of them.

Trust is something you build gradually through time , but it seems like I am in no force of building them now in anyone. Perhaps I am used to two years of sleeping alone inside the room , I am all amused to know that some people shared their rooms with a person or two. Because this was not a problem back in Intec since I have a roommate , and I don't exactly ponder about this . 

Thinking about it , in depth , I've talked to people about this matter and most of them encourage me to learn on how to share the space because in the future , God will , I'll encounter a phase of sharing all kind of spaces , physically emotionally spiritually and if its not now , when. 

Yesterday before we recited Yasin together for the house , one of my wish , aside from having sakinah ( peace ) , mawaddah ( love ) and rahmah ( Blessings ) for the house , I hope that I will be at ease , recevining guests since I knew that I am having troubles about it . 

But guess what I'm progressing really well I guess , I started to be lenient when somebody barge into the room , and it needs a thousand self - reminders to feel at ease to let the room to be used by somebody else. You never know how I envied people who whole-heartedly offered their space or even choose to have their space shared because it is something that I am not really excellent at. 

still having trust issues ey 

ai. 

Perhaps its Allah's best tarbiyah

I lost my Nokia phone , my second Nokia phone , again. 

Did I told you I have this one purple Nokia phone , my first first-hand hand phone. Though I bought a smarter kind of phone two years back , I still bring the phone to the UK , mainly as a second phone to place my Malaysia simcard and basically its for a perfect escape ( music plus the battery last for like five days ) and recently ( a month ago ) , I lost it and never intend to search for it ( again ) since the simcard inside it was deactivated months ago , still  , it saddens me because its the first phone I had , for like four years and now its gone. 

Long story cut short , I browsed Lazada for a new second phone ( still opting for Nokia because of the battery ) , bought it at a really good price with all the specs I'm looking for and yeah , I lost it again. 

why. 

Guess what , this summer , I was such a careless person. I misplaced all important things , my Mi phone , search for it high and low for like 8 hours , misplaced it like for many times , with the silent mode on ( mari gelakkan diri sendiri ) , I misplaced my purse ( with a lot of money inside there ) , it turns out my mom as usual , kept it somewhere and enjoyed my miseries ( you guys should see how good she is with acting ) . I did lost some pounds ( both weight and currency wakaka ) too , and I am not bothered to trace it back 

and each time I lost my stuff , I'll be like

random Kalsom memories


Takpelah , nantilah jumpa 
Takpelah , nanti Allah ganti dengan benda yang lebih baik 

( dan masih menangis di sebalik keredhaan itu )
( apakah itu redha ) ( mungkin untuk meREDhAkan perasaan * read meredakan perasaan haha * ) 

so back to the second Nokia , lost it with a really good RM 3.00 earphone sobs. There's an actual issue for it , which is the UK simcard in it and the MUSICS

The main reason why I searched for the phone is to acquire the simcard , but guess what , things solved since its pretty easy to do sim swapping ( I took one unused sim from Haziqah last week ) . So I don't need the phone anymore ( though I badly want it for the musics ) . Main issue solved. 

Next , the musics , the lovely playlist I put effort it to search and download it ,  I never thought of detaching from musics , since I am not even an avid listener to headbanging musics , neither the new released. But I had this one constant playlist and its one of my way of escaping ( the reality , and its just my way to get swayed away by my emotions alone ) . Its not that listening to music is bad , but knowing how I really want to be a better person , I need to ditch it. This thing had been constantly inside my mind since I heard about a story of a sister , who used to attach herself 24/7 with musics , but the moment when she decided to change herself , she deleted all possible ways for her to get connected to musics.

And , My Mi phone is clean from musics , or any musics apps , simply because of the limited storage. I am that storage kiasu who can't tolerate 2.00 gb left in your phone. 

 Considering my main issue solved , and I experienced the same thing twice , I guess that's Allah's way to tarbiyah me , to detach myself from it. And perhaps by loosing it is Allah's best tarbiyah he offered since I don't see myself doing any physical damage on it , I don't throw a fit when I am angry , I am just an excellent careless person and I just need to teach myself untuk bersangka yang baik baik pada Allah. 

Now , its two days before departing back to my second home. I will miss my loads summer programs and now I am back , kicking the reality. 

The hurtful level of generalisation.

So I've been wanting to watch movies at the cinema lately ( not that I am a fan , in fact most of the money invested on movies at the cinema will go worthless , it does not tally with my attention deficit level ) , so I enjoyed scrolling lists of movies available and been reading reviews. Speaking of the lists , the movies that considered at the 'consideration level' are Train To Busan , Alif dalam 7 Dimensi and Pekak. ( actually I chose Train To Busan , initially wanted to watch it last Thursday , but I am just too lazy to drive ) 

So yesterday I saw a post that reviewed Pekak and I must say it clearly says NO to anyone who opting to watch it since most of the element portrayed revolved around social problems that is happening around us , and the tittle was deemed to be misleading since the commentor thought it will highlight the 'deaf'part. However the reviewer did not finished watching it because she can't take it anymore , so thinking that it will not do the justice on the movie as a whole , I am curious to read more reviews on the story itself ( and perhaps wanting to watch it myself , to see how ). 

* * *

( what's inside my mind ) ( its my mind debating here ) But that's the thing , why would I watch something that had been negatively reviewed , said to be not worth it , and perhaps will harm your in some ways. I took the comparison of taking drugs , I said that I can't comment on something that I haven't tried it myself , or a situation that I never stand in but I already know the side effects of taking drugs , hence why should I try to watch this movie? ( but later I thought that drugs are just too much to be compared with , since in involves more scientific evidence , plus the effect are widely known in a larger scale )

I decided to wait for more reviews. Instead of watching it haha.

* * * 

But guess what after two paragraphs , I am not even trying to do justice on the PEKAK movie but I am going to highlight the comments on the review itself . I came across many of this phrase for almost 300 comments ;

' Sume cite melayu sampah '
( All malay movies are rubbish

And that makes me realised , what's hurtful is actually the level of generalisation made on certain issues. Just like how all malay movies are labelled rubbish due to the existence of PEKAK and many of other malay movies that were considered rubbish. This is not doing justice to ALL Malay movies. I can't deny that there are lots of malay movies fails to  reach certain standards set by other international movies ( well at least catered the good values ) , even I cursed to one of the malay movie I watched back in 2012 because its just too ridiculous and I can't take it ( and it was 2012 , me in 2012 , most of the time make direct judgement without even thinking ) 

I don't know about you but most of the time I opt for Malay movies , when I'm in the UK scrolling what movies should I watch to be my dinner company . I enjoyed watching malay drama's though most of it are considered not relevant to the society.Being 'considered as not relevant' is one of the result to the level of generalistion , where it creates a sceptic society. So whenever they hear things like 'Malay drama' 'malay dramas' , they'll will have certain jargons inside their mind , and says no to it. 

Reality check , the insensitivity still going on in most Malay dramas and movies. I guess this was largely affected by the norm and practice of the society. Its so different on how people react to a hug scene in Malay dramas/movie and a hug scene in an international dramas/movies , because we know hugging is just not accepted between opposite gender , so I guess this is one big good challenge to directors and producers in Malaysia , which to portray the feelings of a certain scene without the need of physical touch. Its hard but I am sure it is possible . 

even writing this down is very hard since I'm blended inside the society , where I am used to the same level of generalisation. 

Speaking of it , its just the same for phrases like 

' Orang gemuk malas - bodoh -mulut celupar '

( just because you met countless of the same species with same characteristics , its not ALL . Because me myself is standing in this shoes for now ( doakan for future please insyaAllah ) , its hurtful for me who tries really hard to speak good things , who gives my all to my studies , even spending hours at the swimming pool and exercising ). Sometimes I know some of you is trying to reverse the psychology , whether its me being sensitive , or its you being too harsh with your words. 

 ' orang kurus gila ambik dadah ' 

( there's this one case where a drug addict killed a family of three last month in Melaka , the suspect is quite big in size , bigger than a ' drug addict usual size' , so people goes ' aku ingat penagih ni semua kurus ( I thought all drug addicts are thin ) , 

I suggest that there are many choices of words available to limit the level of generalisation ; 

it can either be ' one of the malay movies ' ' most of these kind of people ' ( most sounds generalizing but it limits the level of it , saying not all but most . It can also be either [ half , some , 'mentioning specific thing' ] . This may include jargons of critiques , instead of the usage of word 'rubbish' twist it into a motivation ' need lots of improvement' , sometimes its hard to replace the words because of the need of impact for the producers/directors to realise how bad the movie can be  , but at least counter the harsh comments with something that can change to status quo ( some points that can be taken into account ). 

We need to learn how to suspend our level of generalisation especially when it comes to sensitive issues. Because by saying things like ' ALL malay movies are rubbish ' is simply too harsh for producers who produced really good movies ( even if you say things like : eh aku tak maksudkan movie sekian sekian pun , movie tu bagus , but you just used ALL there )  . Because nonetheless , the directors , the sets of actors , the people who's directly or indirectly involved with the production , is someone's father , someone's son , someone's , at least consider the harshness of your words , how it will affect them ( because I used to be the reckless person in the past , speak what my heart desire , not thinking how my writing affect people emotionally ) .

Even if they are not someone , not even someone you need to bother , they invested their time and energy to the production , at perhaps due to those reasons they failed to notice the side effect / impact of story they're making , so be wise , give comment / suggestions that may lift them up , give remarks on the cinematography , or perhaps some good values in it , just because there's a majority of bad things , that simply means , there's no good moral about it . Perhaps to you it sounds too absurd if I said they failed to notice ( the bad side / impact of the story ) , so here and now is the time for you reviewers to make them notice ( try in the most subtle way you can)  , your existence are valuable you know it. 

though I sometimes forgot , what colour is the house since it changed last few years from orange to grey. With annoying Olen behind the laptop , I will miss this view. A week left before departing back to Cardiff :') 


Lets be less sceptic ! Perhaps kinder with your words and actions as well ! Lets be that uplifting society ! 

Lets ponder why and why.

Aku rasa aku dah kena mula menulis semula dalam bahasa Melayu kerana aneh sekali hari ini sahaja ada beratus view dari Amerika Syarikat , dan nyata aku cuma beberapa kali sahaja menyebut perkataan United States , which nak bagitahu ge'ef aku dua orang belajar dekat sana tu je hahah . And most of the posts viewed are in Malay language , you creepy people stop viewing my blog ( like how Russian viewed my blog last month , I don't speak Russian guys , even a direct translate will make my writing sounds really funny and I don't even intend of sharing anything for the whole world to take note 

* dah tu kenapa kau tak private je blog kau ? * eh suka aku lah haha
* still writing in English . I just need to polish 'em sorrayh not sorry

Facebook certainly a pro to flatter people , even if you're not as what they described you as , you are very incline to just accept it harhar. And goes 

' Awwww really ' 

So yesterday I bugged people to join the thing that had been inside my mind for like 10 hours , it was an easy problem statement 

Fitrah ialah sesuatu perkara yang sejahtera dengan hati. 

Fitrah according to the discussion yesterday is something that never change. Like fitrah attracted to opposite gender , fitrah in short can be defined as something which supposed to belong to a person. Like fitrah seorang perempuan tu dia prone kepada benda benda yang cantik ( like choosing a laptop based on its colour rather than the specs haha ) ( contoh kasar ) . 

So considering it's something that( supposedly )  feels really close to your heart , going back to it ( fitrah ) should be easing for you. However I came across a status of a person , that says , 

Dia sangat penat berbalik kepada fitrah , 

considering the facts , you might understand why its tiring, so we debated about it ( because I was keen to understand the matter with psychology element in it , guided with what religion said ) and we met an endless point * we were swayed away by the definition of fitrah  

and Kak Aisyah's answer ( insyaAllah my future murabbi )  mesmerised me , 

She said , 

Fitrah never change , it stays the same  ( all of us agreed on this )  . But what changes is the condition of our heart. She shared with us Hadith 27 ( from Hadis 44 Imam Nawawi ) that mentioned ; sin is something that tickles our heart , like how each time we're doing something bad , and the heart feels uneasy about it. And the more sin you do , it adds more black dots to it ( not literally but figuratively , titik hitam gituuuu ) and that's what makes it harder for us to get back to the fitrah. So to be able to get back to what you supposed to feel / practice is to cleanse your heart , get rid of the black dots.

How?

By reading , reading Quran , mingle with good people , seek for the surrounding that helps you to grow up healthily ( emotionally ) , and many more . 

So we accepted that fitrah is something that supposed to feel so close to you . but due to the circumstances mentioned above , that's what makes it hard , and tiring for you to go back to where you supposed to stay. 

And my mind was rest assured with a very easing answer. 

* * * 

That was one. 

Next was about a video that went viral , about a kid beating up other kid , its horrible I swear. And most people tagged Polis Diraja Malaysia to take action on the bully. But later I found someone came up with the flip side of the coin. It turns out that the bully was verbally abused as he lost his father and being mocked as an orphan. I was not even trying to justify the violence he did but to understand why he's acting such way. 

Because to me , we're talking about kids here , most kids are innocent enough about their behaviour , I don't say all but most. Innocent here means , they most probably have one direct transparent reason why they are behaving in such ways. Unlike us adults , when we're behaving badly , it may be caused by our past , our ego , silent motives , in other words , we're perhaps a pro in twisting our stories why we behaved in certain ways , but that rarely applies on kids. Like how paedophile cases where  kids behaving in certain ways to show that they're molested. 

Some might says , no matter what the reason is , its just too much. This is where education plays an important role. Some kids are mature enough to be able to control their emotions but some are just less lucky than the others , he might not be told / exposed / showed by anyone on how to control his anger , and it might be that he's been holding back for quite some time and that's the only time he burst out his anger. 

and this had indirectly gave a big lesson to most of the adults who shared and commented negatively on the video , which to educate the alpha generation , perhaps the Zee and the Y gen too , to not make fun of the others , as bullying  does not only caters physical contact , but also verbally. I saw earlier when someone make fun of other woman just because she exceeded a sum of possibilities. Whatever motives she had in her mind , its just so wrong to make it viral that way , perhaps she was too eager about teaching math which it can be good , but not that way , I don't favour it to happen that way. 
And I hope that she asked for forgiveness for what she had done. And there's even people who said 

'Weh benda kecik ni pun nak sentap , chill lah.' 

Yes , it might be small in your eyes - perhaps invisible to your eyes , you never know how big it can be to her. You were right that people need to tough up , not to take things on social medias seriously , but for some , its very hard for them to draw the distinction line between what's serious and what's not.

I used to be verbally abused and I bet most of the person who did that ( which still I can picture them clearly inside my mind ) might said they were just playing , why take things seriously? For them , it does not even something to care about , when it was the cause of my tears and it hold a big space inside my head thinking how can I escape this torturing surrounding. 

And sometimes you just need to respect people and that's it. I reflected once in the past , where someone I knew were emotionally affected because somebody forgot her birth date. It might not be an issue for people who don't really care , but it can be an issue for someone else , and you just need to respect it ( and yeah , take notes on the little details about the person )

Because , no matter what , this whats makes the world works , better. If somebody care less , somebody else care more. Some can be easy going , some can be sensitive. And there's nothing wrong about being who you are. We just need to embrace the diversities of characters exist around us. Not to simply condemn on it. 

I remembered a session with Teach for Malaysia ( TFM )  during  Kalsom and Small Changes ( I forgot the term ) but its about how your mind perceive something to happen in certain ways but there's no right or wrong about it. Like some families are very havoc while they're eating , and some families prefer a calm and organised table while they're eating , there are nothing wrong neither guideline on how it supposed to happened , its just us , there's a need of assimilating the differences. 

And most of the things I said here are easier said than done but I just had to create some awareness and I need to remind myself too . Because we're humans and we make mistakes. 

20 days before going back thoughts. Ceh

so my mum had constantly been asking about whether I already have a steady one when I'm not even thinking about having one . Caught smiling over whatssap conversation ( when its all either my housemates being hilarious or my GE'EF was doing some hambar jokes or some random groups playing teka teki ) . Well the pressure of getting older moreover she got married at the age of 21 , ( looks like she is passing the baton and I am just way toooooooo far behind ) and for some reasons , I don't exactly think I care. Ngeh. The idea of feminism is already invading my head that woman can empower everything on her own. Don't get the idea wrong but I just don't think about any man-woman relationship , comfortable enough i-ship'ing k-drama couple at the moment. 

its about the angle hahaha an awkward potato speaking. I shall upgrade myself to curly fries A&W 
#Loveyourself they said. 

And I wonder what exactly I'm thinking during my school days where I can non-stop talking and thinking about jodoh motion . Curse you hormones ! If I had drawn the line earlier , I'll perhaps score more A's ey? Hahahah but no line were drawn , I was just too young , too dumb , to realise.

Its already 28/08 , another 19 / 20 days before departing back ( for the last time ) to the UK , I thought of migrating but it is still inside rough kind of planning , haven't really give a serious thought about that. Escaping heh? sort of. 

Nevertheless , I should have start buying stuff to bring back to the UK . 

22/8 - Reminiscing the memories in INTEC.

I think one of the thing that I've been thinking for the past few weeks is about the missing heart in every writing . Maybe I was contemplating over the matter I'm writing for like thousand time , and I loose the rhythm in writing , hence writing the matter will serve the purpose of storing rather than reflecting. 

I even think about writing on 'Rindu on courtesy basis' but that sounds mushy and I don't think I can write on that.๐Ÿ’

But yesterday , I went to Intec , to pay the lecturers , the staffs , the pakcik pakcik bas , the makcik kafe and perhaps the cats ( everyone who possibly still there and still remembered the easily recognised creature ) , many things changed esp the colours of the building , the new facilities but the people I mentioned above , remains the same , remains warm. Though there may be lots of changes after two years , they were still the warm people I used to know in the past. 

Walking across the buildings tickled my heart. And I realised , being there in INTEC , is about being attached emotionally. 

Days in Intec were full of hopes and dreams. 

Being chose to enrolled A-levels was perhaps one of the best thing could ever happened in my life. Its where I discovered the academic side of me , which I hardly see during my school days. Aku tak rasa masa sekolah aku betul betul memaknai akademik , to the point , I don't really know why I'm studying aside from I need to get straight A's and repay everything I owed my parents. Dan aku rasa ramai je living in the same boat , alhamdulillah I fix my boat during A-level days. Masatu , little that I know yang I'm not qualified for the position and given such opportunity , I know that I can't take things for granted. Its like you're given a second chance , and knowing its a once in a lifetime chance , I took that challenge. 

Tapi masatu pun tak buat banyak research pun what A-levels is all about , its more like gamble ( or sebenarnya memang nampak oh nak fly overseas ) , I was glad I don't know much at that time , because if I know more ( like the risk and stuff ) I might ponder a lot and stick with my dream to be an IIUM Law graduate. 

I must say that the first semester was pretty amazing , simply because Math is not inside the lists of subject. I studied Economics, Law , English and half subject Psychology with ease. Psychology wasn't making sense at first and I saw myself yang develop the same kind of judgement I had for Add Math. So I fake things first , I develop some questions and started to respond to the lecturer's questions ( even though I was clueless ) , and that's where Psychology starts to make sense to me. I enjoyed the other three subjects and scored for the first semester. Things started to be a little bit shaky when there's Mathematics in the second semester. I tried so many things but Math wasn't my forte. Statistic was even worse than ever. I can't tolerate probability. Its just so hard and my points dropped. Still passing paras hidung , I got 12/15 points that semester. It was demotivating wehhhhhhhh sebab I tried everything but still . The third semester , I decided to try harder for math since I'm left with no choice but alhamdulillah somebody stood before me , to drop Math because he can't do math during the meet with HEA. It was in Statistic class when I received my semester 2 paper ,  I asked permission for the lecturer to leave the class , to meet the program coordinator , I want to drop math as well. I can't live in the class where Statistic is making its sense for everyone but not me. 

Oh it was in the second semester too , due to the existence of Math , they need to reshuffle the choice for subjects too , I took History instead of Psychology. History was fun guys I swear ! No pun intended okay. 

And the third and fourth semester was a smooth sailing one for me , except for some drama during my last semester. I lessen the hang out , didn't even go to Mid Valley during my last semester , when you at least went there once in a while each semester. Fourth semester , I've been travelling back and forth , Melaka Shah Alam , esp during the exam gaps. 

Not even once you'll be really convinced yang you'll fly across the sea , even though you pass four big exams ( 1st , 2nd , 3rd , trial ) , so getting good marks for each semester akan bagi kebahagiaan yang tidak hakiki. Until the end , bila ada one of my result pending , dunia kelihatan gelap , its like you're one step further but due to some mistakes , your result is pending. Masatu memang rasa macam my two years , just what happened to my two years. Its very hard to tell yourself that it wasn't your fault since you've gave you very best. At that time , according to the result online ( they showed us the marks as well ) , based on prediction I already got like a C , which means I'm passing with 12/15 , so if the courseworks included , it will either be an A so the points will be 14/15 or a B so the points will be 13/15 . But its not working that way. Still need to wait for the official marks , its a tough week with chaos , time difference some more , and alhamdulillah it turns out good alhamdulillah , I got a B. 

I got the chance to spend quite some time with my lecturers. Lama sikit sembang dengan Madam Nadhirah , my law lecturer. I remembered how clueless I was during trials , I don't have the skills to answer my law paper and I got a C for law , when I'm majoring in law lels masa trial. so post trial sampai real exam , aku rasa aku sangat sangat fokus pada law , went to all classes she offered , went to meet her personally to ask numbers of questions , and passing with an A for law for my external paper , I can't never thanked her enough for the efforts she puts in to help us :') 

Writing these down is like writing back the same thing I wrote in the past hur hur. 

But in case you're looking for INTEC online , I must say my experience there was one of the memories I treasured. The lecturers are tremendously good , I met my lecturers yesterday and how time flies , I'm finishing my degree next year. The environment was conducive , but still it requires you restrain yourself from hanging out too much , well hanging out is not the problem , but hanging out and if it affects your academics , then its a problem.   Because Alevels is all about academics , 100% exam based. Now the system is much more organized , they changed to Cambridge system recently , no longer the standing alone Edexcel haha. They even have AS system now ( maksudnya when you're in your second semester , your paper will be externally marked so you'll have a glimpse on how your final semester paper will be marked ) . The class are really nice , you can stay like all day there with the aircond and fan weh seronoknya  , but you still need to go back to the college. 

Its in INTEC you will learn some little courtesy like saying thanks each time you're going down from the bus , which you perhaps jarang buat in the past. Its where you help to hold any strangers books yang kena berdiri dalam bas. Spent some time mingling with all the pakcik bas , INTEC punya pakcik bas ada skill luar biasa masuk ke dalam lorong lorong kecil di Akasia hahahahha . 

I took some time to go to Section 18 , where the collage is sebab nak pergi Ole-Ole nak makan Pakli hahahha motif sangat , and I went there with my drama partner Aqila , hahaha thank you for being patience for the whole day , and everything taste the same , I ordered the signature Nasi Ayam Lemon with cili potong weh sedap , masih sedap forever sedap ( nangis lagu M. Nasir haha ) 

And now , going to the third year , marks the two years I left Intec for good. INTEC is where I get to experience that people could be so warm , an environment could be so safe ( at least for me ) , I'm just so glad that I've been given such chance to be there. Teringat dulu taknak buat Alevels sebab lama sangat , not knowing A-levels is a blessing to me :')