Lay Low ( after writing emotion : EXCITING ) Two O One Five.

As hipstur as the tittle sounds , trying to write this post is frustrating enough , had to forcefully shut down the laptop twice sebab it hangs for minutes and its not funny anymore after few minutes harrrr

we on the ice , literally ice not senoww hahaha back before the Plitvice trip with our tour guide Encik Sashar the bayang bayang hahahha.

I was lying on bed ALL day after sending off my Essex friends early in the morning , though send off dekat pintu je , melihat taxi berlalu pergi dengan ekor mata ( snappp I don't even think I send them off with ekor mata because it was too cold outside mih mih had to close the door even before  the taxi hilang dari pandangan mata kah kah kah  ) 

I don't know you're too addictive lels 

till someone asked me to write down a reflection post about 2015 , tadadada you read my mind anonymous , I've been thinking about that but come to think , aku tak rasa pun nak menulis hari ni , moreover on reflection because I was lazy and rasa macam better off to keep it to myself , or sebenarnya kau memang malas jangan dikau nafikan ! miahahha 

I just want to have that some ' lay low ' moments . 

and it happened that aku memang rasa aku 'lay low ' sikit this year which according to the online dictionary ; lay low defined as 

lay low
1. To keep oneself or one's plans hidden.
2. To bide one's time but remain ready for action.
3. To cause to be dead or unable to get up from a lying position: How many soldiers were laid low in that battle? The flu has laid lowthousands.

Sebab taknak came up dengan szo the boring life of Anis Najwa this year , aku cuba retrace balik memory , or even the slightest pengharapan masa 2015  ni , unlike 2014 , my biggest pengharapan was to fly off to the UK siap dulu pernah doa " Ya Allah sebelum kiamat bagilah aku fly pergi UK " that's it , Allah granted my wish , I'm already here  , alhamdulillah dah second year and where did all the dreams go? It stops there? Like that? er? Belum kiamat dan kau masih diberi ruang dan peluang to repent over stuff then what najwa ? W H A T

( untuk sesiapa yang pernah rasa terinspirasi dengan hidup ceqq mohon reflect balik miahahaha ) Part mana kau ni menginspirasi hidup orang woi najwa !?!!???!


As 2014 was too bumpy - too much hopes - too much tested friendships and drama - menjadi 21 , I just want to remove all the 'too' in everything , like kalau berharap , nak berharap yang sederhana , so that I won't hurt too much or kalau sayang orang , nak sayang yang level setengah je , so that it won't be too hurtful . 

Cakap siang pandang pandang  ( kalau cakap malam malam? nak pandang siapa haha ) miahahhaha

2015 menyaksikan how a dead thing , sebagai contoh blog ni had affected me BADLY ! dia tahap yang at first I was trying to detach myself from all these networks and it was hard , tapi at the end dia mencapai tahap " detach successfully " yang dah tak leave rasa sakit , or tahap eager nak berkongsi apa jenis cerita pun on the blog. I learn how people can cluelessly hurt your feeling with their words , phrases like " do not reproduce " or " your mum should have aborted you " can come from a human for a human. I must be too ( again ) aspirational in the past yang " people tend to do good things in life " or " common sense is sensible among humans " . 

Though sebenarnya aku banyak kali je reflect yang I should put the blame on myself for failing to foresee people's circumstances , not judging from one source , that I shall hear from people's side , which I learnt a lot alhamdulillah , and the best part of it , I learn that " You shouldn't treat someone the way you don't want to be treated " and its a big lesson indeed , I see it as a pre test before masuk the legal word , people will slash you with their words maybe even with scarier stuff you never want to imagine . 

I can still precisely remember all those tears , the pains and the scars a dead thing did to me naaayyy. 

Thanks to that too , I deleted my ask.fm , in a way reducing contact or any possible ways that my feelings could be harmed. Though kenkadang aku nampak seperti manusia yang tak punya banyak perasaan portrayed on the face ( kah kah tipuuuuu )  , I value all these little things - affected with little things . 

twitter pun lepas sehari up to seminggu baru rasa nak bukak - blog adalah sebulan kot nak recover and masih bermalas malasan - instagram dulu I restrain myself untuk post a week - satu - tapi since I'm on my winter break , excuse me with more than 10 pictures a week kah kah. I just need to keep updated , one untuk diri sendiri baca balik tentang apakah kebodohan yang engkau lakukan , and ways to improve it supaya masuk level pandai sikit haha , second to keep my family updated , perasaan loner makan maggi dalam bilik kadang kadang menyeksa jiwaku tatkala melihat adik adikku bersantai makan burger bakar di tepi sungai melaka. leuls sangat haha. 

okay this sounds too negative now , lets bright up the mood ! 

Successfully completed my very first year as an LLB student ! ( insert habuk habuk firework since Malaysia dah first of January ) 

the success part mungkin sampai la kot aku punya definisi success , passed a 2:1 ( not until I saw people passed with first class T.T ) , grading degree kali ni unlike Alevels , meh aku share 

First class : above 70 %
Second class upper or 2:1 : 60% above 
Second class lowe or 2:2 : 50 % above 

third class aku tak sure. Juga yang bawah bawah , sengaja taknak tahu sebab it shouldn't be in my measurements grades. 

Teringat lagi waktu waktu revision tu , I did a (not so ) hardcore revisions , still got my sleep on time , sleeping soundly through the night tapi its like a 6 or 7 weeks of revisions , I gradually make the revision timing and specs tense , dari sejam ke tiga jam non stop ( ada break untuk regangkan otot ) then sambung balik ngeh. I dislike last minute revisions sebab aku rasa aku memang takde kebolehan last last minute burning midnight oil ni is never ever my favorite since Alevels so aku kira the 2 or 3 months revisions tu membantu for the first year , we'll see how things go for this second year ? 

A step higher in giving commitments to Dakwah and Tarbiyah ! ( D&T ) 

I may not put this in my 2015 wishlist since dulu memang datang UK then involves myself with good things like usrah - its for the sake of its good so why not? 

as times goes by , dulu  , I guess dari dia ( Dakwah dan Tarbiyaah ) tu setakat mengisi masa lapang , now its like I should make a specific time for Dakwah and Tarbiyah , well sebenarnya takdelah like a fix timing allocation hahh time ni kau buat D&T ni . Tapi its like being cautious with yourself , baik dari sekecil perkara seperti tutur kata , ke sebesar perkara , I can relate and reflect more apa yang aku buat dengan kehidupan , allied tak dengan Al-Quran kata apa , kau buat camni masuk tak dengan apa yang Allah nak kau buat , D&T jugak ajar kau untuk jadi lebih sensitif by mean with how people react - kau rasa dia nak deliver what kind of message through riak muka , or coldness someone tu boleh ke kita break with warmness , tah memacam lagi but its a pleasant feeling to be surrounded by people yang nakkan kebaikan untuk diri sendiri and at the same time they want good things for you too. 

of course when we talk about kebaikan ni , every year we must want to see ourselves naik satu tingkat kebaikan , and bilamana kita rasa kita dah baik - we will start questioning ourselves , kau yakin kau dah cukup baik? dan kau akan melihat banyak lagi ruang kau boleh enhanced in order untuk jadi lebih baik. LIKE TAKDE SIAPA PUN YANG BAIK AKAN KATA DIA BAIK lels its weeeeeird. Nak katanya , its a never ending process it'll be a forever process untuk capai indicator kebaikan yang akan differ every year - or every stage we sets. 

It starts with jadi AJK for Ini Sejarah Kita (ISK) 1.0 then jadi Mas'ullah ( ketua ) for the second ISK named ESCaping the Doctorine , next , for the first time jadi orang yang mengetuai jaulah ( winter trip ) to Croatia and Bosnia ( ni lesson ad-hock yang terbanyak sekali - the second part of the post was still drafted after days miahahhahaha ampunkan patik , patik memang berplatipus melepet winter break ni ahhaha )  pastu I challenged myself for accepting the responsibility untuk jadi facilitator for Perhimpunan Musim Sejuk (PMS) 2015. I saw myself working again in an organization like in the past masa dekat sekolah. dulu first year selalu rasa pathethic tengok orang lain macam aktif itu ini and you do absolutely NO'ING ( british accent of nothing ahhahah suka kauuu je ) . So aku sukalah melihat diri sendiri do something in this second year hahaha. Oh yaaa there's this one time I applied for a position in UKEC ( siap stay up hantar resume , buat resume , sungguh daku terharu dengan diri sendiri haha )  and attended their interview , though bukan rezeki , I guess Allah did fares a better fate for me ? right? 

Have I ever told you how awesome is my Ayyash is? Ayyash is my usrah name - consist of Haziqah - Ajlaa - Haifa - Mira and me , I might just properly known them for about two or three months but these people are the people that I'm so comfortable with to share my thoughts , my fear aside from my family :) Thank you ayyash , I couldn't stand the thoughts that two of us will be graduating from Cardiff very soon :'(

( dengan ayyash takde gambar I don't know why ) hahaha 

ticked wish ( might not a wish but yeah ) ( might not even be my wish but who cares hahaha )  list ( kotak bersama right ticked ) 

ps , seronoknya tulis pakai bullet points hahhahhaha ini pun kau terhibur ( used to only writing in paragraphs so yeah hahaha )

  • balik Malaysia though dulu pernah kata taknak balik tiga tahun nak mereput dekat UK , nyata ianya satu kebohongan - feeling syahdu tengok family sambut dekat airport lepas a long long flight London - Jordan - Bangkok sejam - Malaysia , balik rumah and just being at home is peaceful enough weeeeeeeh alaaaaa jangan kang homesick karang T.T , I miss everyone at home ( satgi nak skype dengan Aimi aaaa kuihhh kuihhh ) 

  • attended INTEL , Interaksi bersama alumni SBPI Selandar , which I saw people changed in a good way , envy of course , tapi at the same time rasa macam my heart feels at rest dapat kumpul balik dengan your siblings tho tak cukup korum , it feels nice tengok Machinants grow up , which recently lepak dengan Sany dengan Madjam kat rumah , its like aku tak pernah sangka pun boleh gather dengan small part of Machinants dekat UK - even to see myself in the UK was still a pleasant suprise and rezeki dari Allah.

the part of the INTEL crew. 

Missing Ain Nadhirah - Machinants in the UK
  • My parents went to umrah last month and knowing that its their forever dream being ticked rasa macam I can sense the joy though I was restraining myself from reporting every single life events dengan mak sendiri , but it just feels good. 

  • met GE'EF after a year too , tho tak ikut plan asal nak ke Langkawi but we had a good time , sebenarnya aku lalu je fasa nak detach lepas jumpa due to certain reasons , I just knew the girls I've been talking to and with through setahun alam maya in a very good , well being woman now ( i ken krai because i yam no woman here hahahaha )

sending off Ain , missing Ain and Aireen

  • went to Cambodia with sets of kewl girls , #beedadariproject was a success alhamdulillah , baru teringat yang someone did asked me about the charity project masa dekat PMS , and I was like " You knew it? " hahahahha sebab I remember bertapa tak berharapnya kitaorang about the donation masa we decided to post it on the social medias , but seeing how generous Malaysians are just amused me ( nangis lagu M.Nasir ahahhahahaha padahal kau cuma tahu lagu Mentera Semerah Padi waakakak )


  • I do tutoring for the UPSR students in my hometown , I never thought there's a part inside me that could teach meeeeeyahahahahhaha - I even can count faster now without calculator and I can do science , my brain cells in 2006 still exist and connected kui kui.



so as lay low as I might ( or not ) sounds like , 2015 adalah tahun yang sederhana bagi aku. Sederhana yang aku suka. I guess it did happened in the past macam transition 2007 to 2008 aku ada azam yang sama , to stay low taktahulah it sounds good or not tapi aku sangat suka la hahaha. I interact with people more often - I detached myself from the social medias -  I got involved in an organization - I ( partially ) be more matured keh keh part mana matured pun aku taktahu dia ni . 

AFTER WRITING THIS POST , changed emotion 358' 

( many things popped in mind sepanjang editing the whole post ) I just realized 2015 is actually a fun year ! I did a lot ! OF THINGS ! ( that feeling of KAU TAK BORING SEBENARNYA NAJWA HAHAHAHAHHAHA you still had a good year - good life  ) , betullah orang cakap , to make yourself yang selalu rasa hidup tak beruntung tu , cuba duduk kejap and jot down all the blessings , for a second , vanish dah all the negative thoughts yang lingering inside my head waaaaaaa , 

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for this wonderful 2015 :') 

2016? Hopes and resolutions? to be continued. perhaps. kalaulah rajin. kalau. hahah. 

Lets walk to 2016 :) 

Perhimpunan Musim Sejuk 2015 , Shall we embrace the light within together? #PMS2015

I got back from a long two weeks away from home - the first week to Croatia and Bosnia , then balik sehari bergolek tulis satu post then bertolak semula ke Perhimpunan Musim Sejuk 2015 under Ikram UK Eire , this time around dekat je dekat kawasan Wales ( the reason we say bye bye to jamak apatah lagi qasar , so thats the feeling heh tengok orang lain jamak solat , qasar siap semua but you don't hahahahahha ) 

By train , it took around 30 minutes-40 minutes or less , tapi sempat gak berdengkur dua tiga minit bagaikan lima jam train kah kah - it was not a long journey , but alhamdulillah , sebab dah dua minggu menapak jelajah bumi , a short and sweet escape fits to my liking. 

This year marks the second time attending PMS , Oh yeah the connotation of PMS here means  two things , its a pre menstrual syndrome which applies to British unexplained weather and the other PMS is the Perhimpunan Musim Sejuk ( unlike last year this year seriusssssss sejuk , ni tahap aku tak confuse musim apa sekarang haha ) * kalau rerajin bacalah herher  Perhimpuan Musim Sejuk 2014 * ( just saw that I got a picture with Kak Beila and Faez dalam ni , hahahha tahun ni Allah bagi kenal deeper ( sikit ) these people haha ) 

Harapan datang PMS kali ni? 

Last year aku takde specific harapan. Aku pergi PMS not knowing what PMS is all about , tapi aku cuma tahu aku akan bergaul dengan orang orang yang baik insyaAllah kat situ , because these people spends their money to be there , and dia bukan melibatkan like only a pound or two , even the nearest part of Wales had to spend around 10 pound for the return ticket , belum mention yuran pendaftaran semua . Nak katanya for some people money is definitely an issue ( a highlighted issue ) but being able to spend for some people cecah beratus which they can perhaps habiskan dekat travel or anywhere around the world since we're on our winter break - they choose to be here , that shows on implied personality , these people wants something here , that's why they're here. And insyaAllah SOMETHING tu ialah benda yang baik - in can be in terms of good company - maybe a crowd to make things warmer while embracing harsh winter not so harsh hahah .

But this year , what I want maybe just a really small pengharapan , which bagi aku dia cukup besar , is to berlapang dada dengan apa jua benda yang Allah nak bagi. Kalau kata Allah nak bagi a big dorm called a Dog House ( kau bayang a real small dog house pastu magically cam Harry Potter tu masuk masuk boleh muat 30-40 orang hahahaha ) , of all the sejuk ke ramai ke , aku sentiasa nak yang aku tu selalu berlapang dada which includes tak merungut , merasa bahagia je dengan susunan Allah tu , tak marah marah bila kena uji sikit dengan lantai sejuk ke takde air ke saat sedang mandi , sebab aku selalu rasa point kelemahan diri sendiri tu adalah , kemampuan untuk bersabar lebih nipis dari kulit bawang , which aku tahu aku kena tame this side of me to be more sabar hendaknya. 

Some other people might have differents aims according to their struggle , which to me is untuk capai tahap berlapang dada tu. 

What this year PMS basically offered you ?

First and foremost , the peluang dan ruang untuk jadi facilitator PMS which I must say alhamdulillah bebanyak alhamdulillah sebab I got like the confusion of being a faci ke peserta , but being both offers me tons of tarbiyaah ( learning from different source ) ,  sebab kalau jadi faci , you got to like get the feeling of responsibility maybe in terms nak jaga ( sikit ) perlakuan dan tutur kata , supaya you can indirectly help people to know more , getting to know Islam positively , I know insyaAllah all of us , Muslim sejak lahir but not everyone including me  dapat rasa kemanisan being a muslim when I don't make effort to know my religion deeper , on why I choose to stay in Islam aside from being born as Muslim tu sendiri .

we people sometimes takde keberanian nak preach people with our words , so being able to touch someone's heart from your personality is definitely a goal for every Muslim tu. Kita kan cerminan / refleksi agama kita :) 

Jadi peserta pun it offers you more , because banyak je yang first timer datang PMS , don't know what PMS can offers , it may somehow offers you ruang nak jumpa kawan lama , terpisah dari sekolah jumpa balik mungkin?  and mungkin jugak a place you see how someone can be so beautiful in many ways - like " Akak ni dah lah cantik pastu everything that she says cantik macam dia jugak " like siapa kan tak suka tengok an angel terjatuh dari heaven ? ( leuls over ) , mungkin jugak a place yang kau rasa in real life benda tu macam asing , contoh , you see people who can miraculously relate EVERYTHING , EVERY SINGLE THINGS with Quran when you only read Quran lepas solat and thats it , tapi seeing even some people memang hafal Quran and truly understand the guidance , kau rasa macam jelaous yang tahap " Aku nak jadi macam dia " , because its okay untuk jealous pada kebaikan someone that make us want to be like them.  Tidakkah menarik melihat kita melahirkan banyak orang baik melalui personality diri sendiri yang kadang kita tak pernah sedar pun kita ada , seperti permata ( diamonds * my group name ehhhheeeee * ) yang perlu digilap aicewahs . 

Mungkin dekat tempat lain pun kau boleh je nampak different people with different good characters , but as for me , dekat sini, aku nampak orang orang yang macam tu kadang ada sampai lepas PhD when here I am struggling with my undergraduate years , tapi at the same time they dress in modest , and knows a lot about Islam and be the good reflection of the religion itself - LIKE HOW CAN SOMEONE BE THAT ALL ROUNDER PEHAL PERFECT SANGAT NI * jerit suara teletubbies *

tapi bila memikirkan yang Islam tu syummul ( menyeluruh ) can be applied in every aspect , there's no wonder you can see these great people all around ! , you can be an alim ( berilmu ) , at the same time you can be an abid ( ahli ibadah ) , you can also be an expert in different cabang ilmu , at the same time apa yang kita pakai tak membataskan pun kita untuk segala kebaikan yang kita boleh grab dalam dunia. I met people who can sing so well , people who plays music instruments , people dengan kepakaran in architecture there , like amusing k jumpa orang yang sangat sangat pandai in many sense ni ( jealous sambil bergolek golek ) 

Faham ke? 

PMS jugak offer things like * drumroll * perasaan pi kenduri kahwin yang kena sleepover empat hari hahaha , the foods was beyond beyond beyond amazing yeahhhhsz , alhamdulillah alhamdulillah special thanks to ahli ahli dapur yang memasak , you guys make me feel so sad bila balik , knowing no one is going to prepare you constant lunch and dinners , and tetiba datang sagu dengan santan during our Ukhwah Night , pastu datang pasukan ketuk ketuk sudip bersama puding roti lagi * k pengsan kenyang hahaha * 

This year , unlike last year , aku lebih selesa bergaul dengan manusia secara am , like tak kisah makan dulang dengan sesiapa pun , like takyah cari pun geng Wales and South West , beratur je and makan je dengan sesiapa , remember the part yang nak berlapang dada tadi? I guess this is a good step , kot ;p 

I got attached to my Diamonds k ! over only four days or less , rasa sepanjang jadi faci tu macam senang je to see everyone melontarkan idea , sebab aku selalu rasa aku takde luck with grouping which selalu dapat yang hambar ( berdasarkan pengalaman pengalaman yang lepas ) , so part grouping ni selalu aku takdelah berharap sangat , but this is like soooooo different weh ! These diamonds really fits the name , they all have something inside them that completes each other , something so positive yang buat aku selalu gembira to be with the group  yknow that feeling bila kita rasa kita dah selesa and blend in , its just feel so nice. Fyi * tetiba haha * we won the Ukhwah Night , kitaorang dapat choral speaking , ( tetiba rasa nak recite sesatu kat sini ahhahahaha ) .








To my fellow Diamonds , ( in case you guys came across this ) 
shine bright like you always do. Shine bright in dunya and akhirat :) moga kita sama sama popular among penduduk langit aicewah. * fefeeling bagi autograph lepas menang Ukhwah night kah kah kah * 

Diamonds ( missing Kak Fiqah ) 
( okay semua pura pura gelak haha ) 
Afina - Aisyah - Ulfah - Najwa - Diyana - Kak Beila - Faez - Huda 
thank you for the warm winter :')



not to mention " emergency calls only " " No service" definitely force you to reconnect with people in real life , so sepanjang empat hari tu jugak aku tak pernah mencari plug untuk charge phone even powerbank was still full lepas empat hari leuls , detaching to attach yourself with the reality , its nice tho , jauh jap dari kecelaruan dunia maya hahah.  so excuse me with not that much photo leuls . 

What events / anything in PMS personally touched you? 

of all games and slots , aku paling terkesan dengan satu benda ni , the last game , we need to build a bangunan ( as so cliches as it sounds ) , its not just that , we need to build a bangunan , with disabilities , ada group dapat buta - patah tangan satu - lumpuh separuh badan - bisu. And tadadada tangan ini yang mencabut undi dan sosok ini menjerit kecil membaca kertas undian ( AAAAAA BUTAAAAAA ) k , over hahaha. 

seriously sepanjang benda tu , menjadi sosok buta rasa macam worthless weh , all our group did was only kira and susun straw and at some points offer tangan untuk letak salotape , * not to mention lepak minum air and makan biskut dihulurkan group yang ada disabilities lain * , kau nak be a part of the builders ,* nyanyi lagu bob the builders haha * but you just can't sebab kau tak mampu melihat . 

and aku banyak je kali sebenarnya tengok video macam how people got bionic eyes to see someone they long to see though bionic eyes only bentukkan figure , not even the details , and time tu rasa macam kena banyak gilaaaaa kena syukur Allah kasi nikmat melihat tu , tapi time tu takdelah macam rasa deep sebab alhamdulillah Allah masih beri nikmat melihat dengan sempurna tu , 

tapi masa buta time game tu , the first twenty minute was fun sebab I was in group with all my groupmates , tapi after twenty minutes someone move me from the spot nearer to where the building was built , and I sat there , I heard people's voices and cuba nak merge diri sendiri , merasai dengan hati like cuba kalau kau betul betul buta , you won't hear voices , but you hear noises , kau rasa macam sangat left out sebab kau tak contribute apa apa and time tu aku terfikir yang orang yang buta in reality must have tried so hard untuk jadi seorang yang bermanfaat pada orang lain , and personally because aku rasa worthless tu , thats because people don't even care that much about you because you're just worthless , tak mampu nak contribute satu apa pun , 

but have you ever felt what it feels like being them? 
do we ever count their efforts? 
they do more , they give more , they put even miles away punya effort , to be the 'worth' one. 
off giving more and doing more , have we ever felt that? Have we ever appreciate that? 

dan tak salah untuk kata tak sebab kita tak pernah rasa. Because I believe if you're reading sampai tahap ni , insyaAllah we have this ability to use our eyes. And took seconds in life untuk rasa sangat bersyukur dengan mata tu , for all the years you don't even have to struggle untuk melihat melalui deria lain , like how blind people read with braille , they use their fingertips to sense things , which the dots to us mungkin tak mampu nak trigger apa apa pun pada kita . 

Masa tu rasa macam I just want lights ! Give me the lights so that I can see ! even kalau samar samar pun , pimpin aku nearer to the lights ( hidayah ) , and don't leave me alone here :'( , lets embrace the lights yang kau dah jumpa tu , embrace it with me , together ! 

Jadilah manusia yang bila dia berdiri duduk hatta berbaring , orang yang selalu memikirkan kebesaran Allah ( Al Imran 3:191 ) 

Of All , PMS as conclusion? 

alhamdulillah , I got more than I wished for , saat meletakkan pengharapan untuk berlapang dada at the very start of PMS tu  , aku impliedly menyatakan kesediaan diri sendiri untuk OKAY dengan apa je Allah nak bagi sepanjang empat hari di camp , 

Allah gave me combos of kebaikan atas kebaikan , baik dari tenangnya campsite tu dengar deruan air sungai , and knowing yang setiap deruan yang kita dengar tu is zikir zikir air tu pada Allah , mungkin kita tahap takleh bayangkan camne sungai boleh berzikir , cukup untuk bila kita nampak sungai , then we say subhanallah , bukankah sungai tu indirectly mengingatkan kita pada Allah? 

Baik dari segi the people I met , aku la juga manusia yang macam insecure dengan kecantikan people around me , with all those good traits and wanting to be just like them , 

Baik juga dari segi susunan Allah - bila balik ( keluar ) je dari camp tu rasa macam " Najwa , this is the real world , where apa benda yang kau belajar dari camp kau akan apply dalam dunia ni " sebab the four days rasa secured sangat , we're in a comfort zone , full of wise people from your country ( after all aku tak menolak warmness Malaysian had to offered ) , full of people yang nakkan kebaikan untuk diri sendiri , so kau takdelah rasa challenging , sebab apa yang kau dapat dari camp and kau terus apply dalam camp - kau akan rasa okay je , because you're surrounded by people that understands your kind of comfort zone. 

Time tu rasa macam sedih jap sambil merenung keindahan Port Talbot ( ahahhaha ending nak drama Port Talbot , Aku Tinggalkan Kau ) ( or mungkin PMS'15  , selamat tinggal )

Moga apa yang aku lakar , sedikit sebanyak memberi manfaat , this is what I personally dapat from PMS , ramai orang lagi dapat more than this , which to say , Allah kalau nak bagi good things to us , it can be in many forms , hatta berada dalam suasana yang membina iman tu ( biah solehah ) tu boleh bagi berjela pengajaran. 

May we meet again in PMS 2016 maybe? insyaAllah :) 

#BalkansWithSisters Part 1 - Winter Trip '15 ( doakan please ada Part 2 haha )

My introduction for every post was kind off the same - its either "it's been so long " " haven't write for quite some time " and yada yada I did abandoned the site for quite some time. My last post was on the 29th of November , and we've passed 21 days in December , here I am , trying to be on the track keeping everything recorded , the feelings and the memory , to last longer than what brain capable of remembering ( apa ayat kau ni terabuqq ) 

sekarang guwe lagi chilling sambil lap hingus ( we all have flu don't we? ) and battling with never ending sakit tekak in Cardiff  - mabukkkkkk telan ubat bebanyak , but I need to since I'm departing to a winter gathering as a facilitator uhuks doa dia tak menyesatkan. 

so guess what , I'm going to write about my Winter Trip ( insert firework ) (sebab ada orang tu rajin ) keh keh ( finaaaaaaly ) 

* cari rhythm menulis * * tengah dengar Hot fm tah pape lagu sekarang or its just me? aku tak jatuh dalam fasa fasa hipstur who finds wording oktaf lapan tu amusing * * when she's writing like acah hisptur * ( dah diam hahahahha ) 

Bismillahirahmanirahim , 

so for whom who follows my instagram probably dah tahap loya mengetahui yang perempuan ni ke Croatia and Bosnia masa winter . Ampunkan patik wahai followers , because I need to , I need to store the feelings , sebab aku ni spesies yang belajar dari reflection ( harapnya haha ) , so before everything hilang dari kepala , I need to put everything in a wording ( long captionsssss ) 

Kenapa Bosnia , Kenapa Croatia ?

( sebab kalau pi jalan sana time winter ketahuilah KAU JE MUKA IMIGRAN DI MANA MANA HAHAHHAHA because I don't think people like travelling in cold weather , at an obviously cold places * read winter kejung * * tak kejung mana tapi sejuk la * * kah kah terbayang Anna ( Frozen ) * siapa tengok Frozen je paham , yang tak paham , bayangkan haha - terjatuh dalam air takat sejuk membeku - berjalan dengan skirt yang beku seperti seekor plank berjalan di atas tanah miaaha * 

My obvious reason was because of Remy Ishak. Omey kan fans fanatik camni? ( sounds like a psychopath I know hur hur ) Sebab Remy Ishak pernah berlakon dalam cerita Satu Hari ( dengan Sara Ali ) so aku nak fefeeling menjejak kaki di mana Remy Ishak pernah berpijak , hahaha orang kata , we might find our soulmate in tracing their path , BAHAHHAHA KETAHUILAH NI AKU JE KATA BUKAN ORANG KATA. 

And the winter which I hashtagged as #BalkansWithSister , yang aku plan adalah sebulan lebih ( which lambat sebenarnya ) consist of Eight members , Four from Cardiff , Four from Essex. The selection was random ( haha bohong ) , you must have that bias stand before allowing someone to join your trip . Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah , we finally wrapped our winter trips on the 19th of December , flying from Dubrovnik to UK , Gatwick. It started way back from 11th December , when we started to make our moves from Cardiff at 5.30 pm - Heathrow Terminal 5 , then we spend a long long long stranded night in the airport ( unlike KLIA , sebab Heathrow ada like 5 different terminals - so memang krik krik habis la airport tu ) , our flight was on the next day , 12th December , from Heathrow to Zagreb , Croatia .

* nanti kita cerita pasal who's my jaulahmates kali ni herher * 

Like in this world kenapa ambik bas seawal tu? 

Yknow , the only answer to that is MONEY , when it deals with your money , you're forced to do everything yang kau tak willing at the first place because it was a significant different kot , bus at 5.30 pm cost only 20 pound , which on the other hand , yang gerak lambat lagi dari tu cost me around 45 pound ( ni harga sebulan awal k , which mencekik tercekik tersedak semua haha ) 

Kenapa masuk from Croatia instead going straight to Bosnia?

sebab its way cheaper and ada flight straight , plus I guess its fun? hahahaha fun with all those immigration yang treats you lebih kurang macam pendatang asing tanpa izin , like " pehal budak budak ni keluar dari Croatia " and they left you kejung pukul 1 pagi , sesejuk , without a proper place to stay warm and they talk their language and we're left with " kenapa ni? " " okay ke ni " " rabbi yassir wala tu'assir "

Masa ni tahap yang macam Ya Allah aku takde siapa waktu ni , memang yang paling dewasa time tu is Akhsya sebab dia lahir awal berapa awal dari ceqqq , hahaha . Memang rasa macam Ya Allah bantu guweeee don't leave me alone , I'm just 100% clueless kenapa kena tahan kat immigration ni weyyyy ! 

K introduction je baru dah sounds bumpy ( if it doesn't , please forcefully make it bumpy for you too her her ) 

What Croatia had to offer? 

The first day in Zagreb was not a pleasant one , sebab we're like walking all day searching for our accommodation sebab nak try naik tram since it was in the afternoon camtu , and we got only like snack berbentuk croissant kot and yogurt on the flight sambil menahan ayaq liuq ( a not Kedah trying to be Kedah in every words leuls mohon ditampar dia ni ahaha ) tengok orang makan ham with bun , not that we want ham , but its protein kot , why don't you offer us any halal chicken? ngeh? tapi sebab naik British Airways , bunuhlah segala macam expectation nak bermesra bersama ayam , it was a short flight though , an hour ++ camtu je. 

I was at fault as the leader sebab sangat ignorant part makan ni , sebab aku merasakan aku berjalan bersama dinosaur yang memagut daun dari dahan pokok , hahahahha aku berjalan dengan manusia yang naturally gets moody with a perut yang lapar , it definitely kills the mood wehhh kalau jalan lapar lapar , so next trip  focus on foods ! 

and bila dah sampai accomadation tu memang dalam kepala nak keluar cari makan , preferably foods with protein , and lagi prefer kalau its halal , but nyata we expect things to high BECAUSE ITS DEYMMHARDDDD to find one decent place , we end up in a fine dining restaurant , that served seafood , after walking and wondering around the main square , tanya orang is there any halal foods around , they give you " whtchu talking about girl " face. Hardly see ( almost takde ) anyone with hijab on and you're totally a stranger yang invade their land harhar macam baru lepas mendarat dari Marikh . 

muka sebelum kelaparan kuasa Bezita ( dragonball haha ) 

Alhamdulillah Allah guides us to a speak English souvenir shop owner yang explain possible places we can eat , and sebab tu jugak we spent our money there buying souvenirs , cash je Allah bagi , orang buat baik dibalas baik gituuuu haha. 

But the second day was totally different from the first day ! And I love it so much !

Second day tu kitaorang opt for a trip with a guide to Plitvice National Park , this one I recommend gila gila punya recommend , kitaorang dah search for this trip dari awal awal , memang gigih aaa google which offers best , roughly it can go up to 90 euro per person for a day trip to this Plitvice ni , I seek for the most convenient trip with many things they offered with a good price , and we meet this Viatica-travel ( insyaAllah kalau nak itinerary , after I finalized things up I will share it with you guys ) , super warm helping Sashar ( our tour guide ) macam ayah ayah layan anak anak ambik gambar , sabar tunggu memaciks ni ambik gambar ( Malaysian punya level suka ambik gambar instagram qualified tu tinggi sikit dari warganegara lain har har ) 

its not that cold pun , it was sunny but I had no choice , but to wear complete winter kind of baju sebab malas nak bukak hahahaha



That's Sashar , our one day father haha. 
Our 48 pound is definitely WORTH THE PRICE ! highly recommended . I got my best pictures during this trip , blend of nature and tranquility , tolak sejuk semua tepi sebab its very nice there , its like a ten hours journey back and forth , plus Sashar tu macam taknak kitaorang kesejukan taktahu buat apa tunggu bas ke Sarajevo , Bosnia pukul 10 malam on the same day , he brought us for a city sight seeing from the van , masih aaa terasa warmness Sashar sampai sekarang , sebab tu rasa macam first time  attached dengan a total stranger , that you can rely on , that makes you feel at ease , yang knows the best angle for pictures hahaha sebab bila nak say bye bye tu rasa macam , " Its been a long warm day ". Maybe sebab the day before we was like devastated , he totally change the mood for the second day . He understand when we ask for a silent moment untuk solat dalam van , and he told the people at the cheese tasting farm to not serve us any haram foods beforehand , he definitely set a good vibe about Croatia. 

Bumi yang aku rasa asing dengan Islam , tapi memahami every little details , and makes you feel so accepted , I definitely recommend this trip - plus people who went to Croatia memang akan , MEMANG AKAN ke this Plitvice  Waterfall ni , sebab they offers magical scenery ! 

I guess shall we wait for the real bumpy ride in Bosnia? ( angkat angkat kening ) 

..........................You may click X before even reading it , she's half mental now............................


Have you ever obsessed dengan diri sendiri after shower because you smells so nice that you wanted to shower more sebab you're overwhelmed by the good smell har har har why I'm being so weird right now. 

This is like another post yang came up without the tittle , kira aku rasa nak randomly menulis tanpa perlu berfikir tajuk yang sesuai untuk ditulis. After going through few weeks detaching dari social medias aku rasa dia bagi good impact pada diri sendiri , I hardly see myself scroll social medias lelama sebab I'm used to the loosen attachment but darn it someone just scrolled someone's 160++ past weeks. 

and dia tengah rasa pathethic dengan hidup diri sendiri. 

so

she decided to take a bath and had a reflection over 10 minutes under the hot shower , 

yang dia salah untuk rasa pathethic sebab sewajarnya dia bersyukur dengan kehidupan yang dia ada. Pastu mulalah dia nak pujuk diri sendiri , kata itu FITRAH , fitrah untuk rasa cemburu rasa nak lebih dari apa yang dia ada... but wait a sec. 

fitrah tu balik kepada benda yang baik. kau rasa pathethic - indirectly macam tak bersyukur and kau timbal balikkan being ungrateful dengan fitrah itself. 

Manusia manusia. 
Susah sebenarnya fasa nak mendidik diri sendiri untuk hidup dengan kecukupan yang Allah bagi. 
Dia tak bagi sekarang simply sebab you will not cope it well kalau Allah bagi sekarang. 
dan susahnya manusia tu kan nak bersangka baik dengan Tuhan? cakap macam reti , sembang najwa sembang - buktikan ! 


aku tahlah fasa tengah marah diri sendiri sebab the innerself was crying out loud sebab rasa looser tahap apa. This is not something I usually wrote up here. Tapi yeah I got to let my future me see she defeated the negative aura away. 

Mula rasa looser sebab tadi pergi kursus kahwin. end the speculation aku tak pulak nak kahwin sekarang , pergi simply sebab murah dan sehari so that explains why.  Tapi ustaz tu pulak cakap kalau tak jumpa masa belajar susah nak jumpa lepas belajar. Pastu aku macam berhuhu menangis sendirian dalam gelak tawa yang diada adakan. Hahahah manusia kan , dia nak lah macam sedapkan hati whatsoevs it is. 

enough pressures enough. Mungkin aku terlalu hidup dalam aliran masyarakat yang indirectly membentuk pemikiran pathethic ini - dan sebenarnya okay je pun kalau sorang tahhhhh kau kenapa macam hilang arah heh 

The thunder that heals.

I'm not liking who I became for the past few weeks. I used to feel happy when I'm detaching from these whole idea of being 'social' in the virtual world which that include the 'me' who love to store things in writing , hence the reason why I kinda abandoned this blog 

Well actually bila run through balik the days in the past , I'm actually fitting in a quite  good pace tapi still not achieving the satisfactory part. Something is missing and unfortunately I don't know who - what - why and having this kind of feeling is definitely not to my liking 

even creating a tittle for a post is such a hard thing to do ! 

( najwa hambar level negatif ) 

so dalam banyak banyak benda yang berlaku sepanjang nak dekat dua bulan dekat Cardiff ni , satu benda kot yang masih tertulis dalam kepala dok rewind dari last week is when I came across Ar Ra'd masa ber-Ayyash last week ( psst Ayyash is my usrah group name ) ( kewl kids joins usrah ) ( tetiba haha ) 

" Senangnya Allah nak pujuk hati ni " 

For the past few months jugak aku draft banyak benda konon macam wishlist second year - antaranya ialah cut contact with people , this girl here knows that one source of her happiness is always humans , however according to her past , her ego which are not that high sebenarnya , and stigma ( I came across this word A LOT DALAM LABOUR LAW * muntah jap * ) yang human literally disappoint and it aligned with what she experience hence cutting contact with people which I literally did. How can I even have a wishlist of cutting contacts at the first place I wonder ( emoticon mata senget sebelah ahhahaha muka mencebik )  

Adalah satu fasa tu memang macam I read all kinds of conversation but choose to stay in silent sebab this painful feeling I had inside me , memang rasa macam intoxicated habis masa tu , like this one harmful toxic possessed my body and memang rasa macam jahat ya ampun lols padahal kadang no one even bother pun kau ada tak ( hahahahah still with the thoughts ) ( still ) ( harmful ) 

Dia macam all those feelings of being abandoned + the one who usually initiates + yang selalu shamelessly rindu dulu + the one who starts + yang selalu rasa syok sendiri  = which nak tak nak  kau indirectly rasa macam gave up sebab no one ever notices you ( first ) in their life because you're never their choice to tells stories or anything . It was all piling up jadi stress and I guess I meet the boiling point takat tahap didih manusia and burst (like every time ) ( like a depressed person ) ( but admitting that I was depressed sounds like I fail to take control over myself ) ( sounds like so human ) ( but still , you're a human najwa ) 

and I decided to just shut myself off. Like that 

Tapi Allah jumpakan dengan ayat yang maybe I've came acrossed before since I bookmarked one ayat from the same page ( 13:28 dengan mengingati Allah , hati akan menjadi tenang ) , through someone else , it affects me tahap macam why I bother being so egoistic just because of the crossed equation above ?!

sebab He consoled me even way before my existence : Nota bukan nota kaki : note that this is how I personally  understand and perceive the ayat ( tadabbur ) 

right from 13:19 - up till 13:28 ( berdebuk debuk tergolek * golek lagi atas jalan tar * ) 






right on my face , just right on MA FACE ! right on your face gurlsz ! 
(ingat nak copy paste ayat dalam internet but it happened that the translations gives me different kind of vibes compared to the wording dalam Quran sendiri , perhaps its my eyes being choosy haha ) 

All of sudden rasa macam chilled gila dengan ayat ayat ni , because all these while , of being the one yang initiate , yang menyambungkan well at least I felt that mungkin tak pada orang lain , is what Allah wants me to do , untuk jadi orang yang Allah kata " berakal sempurna " tu , dia antara ciri ciri orang tu ialah " yang menyambungkan apa yang perlu disambungkan " ie a relationship , name it , friendship / relation of anything , bahasa puitisnya 'silaturahim ' 

and for being those who disconnect , the person must expect bad rewards for being so ( 13: 25 ) 

What is it of being ego all these while ? 

" Tak pernah pun salah jadi orang yang selalu give in dulu , tak pernah pun its a shameful thing if you're the one yang selalu initiate something , yang rasa you're giving more love more than anyone , and its okay for being the one who start the conversation breaking the silence , being the random one , being the one that thinks " amende aku nak bual dengan dia ni" but still choose to say hi and talk about everything. Sebab that is what we , humans shall do . " 

Being ego leads you no where , entahlah , mungkin aku spesies manusia yang tak berapa nak kental dengan motion motion friendship ni , ego mungkin once in the greymoon ( since moon always grey ) ( so being egoistic happen like all the time ) ( ahahhahahahhha my logic ) makes you feel HAHH PUAS HATI AKU , but often - it harms you more > more > more , I dont know how it might affect you being surely in most cases , it affects you negatively? yay? nay? 

so in case , we're sharing the same kind of shoes , being in the same kind of boat

I'm writing this down sebab aku rasa ada je orang yang share the same feeling , and my way of being healed was through Ar Ra'd , it was the thunder that struck inside my head , connected terpanah masuk hati aicewah hahahha :p 

Make your heart at rest , kalau takde siapa yang pujuk , kalau takde siapa yang bother , He consoles You , even way before your existence dalam dunia. Its okay being the first in initiating , yang give in , yang gave up your own feeling , yang apologize first , yang mengalah dulu , because you're definitely , definite ( ni bukan aku pun janji , ni Allah janji ) in the list of orang yang akal dia sempurna , orang yang Allah expect a human to be ( in what way ) and expect je aaa a never ending good rewards for being the one :) 

I in the past , in fact sekarang pun kenkadang tu , never felt how powerful Allah words are tahap consoling yang terkesan sampai hati. But this time around , this is , one of the page in Quran  that amused me , heals me ( completely insyaAllah ) , maybe I was messed up by all these negative thoughts and tak pernah sekali pun jumpa jalan keluar on this issue , sebab by the time I choose to speak up , kadang was still ignored and again all the negative vibes and thoughts running actively inside the head. 

But not anymore kot sekarang. Tah. ( k boleh la menangis sat ahhahaha ) ( sebab I let it out ) ( sebab I'm able to write the exact feeling I'm feeling inside me ) ( again ) ( after all the hanging post ) 

ps ; I'm writing this down during a sleepless night , I got my power sleep right after isyak ( isyak sekarang kat kardipp pukul ( even earlier than )  6.00pm - Idk winter starts or winter approaching but the night is longer than the day - this never make sense to me masa belajar geog dulu hahaha alhamdulillah Allah bagi rasa )

and 
they said it was your heart speaking pepagi camni ( kuiiii ) amboi level 98  

So,

Its beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen so long and I guess that will fit as the introduction for every post coming up later ( or not )

its November and I only wrote like twice in October and I feel okay with that. Attachment longar 2.3 

Its a mixed feeling I had now , patut hari ni rasa macam happy sebab dah submit assignment but it was my bad jugak mashed things up to the last minute , weekend pun bergolek golek tak buat apa ( this is sad I know ) and the workloads piled up and luckily I don't burst and I promised myself to keep my books back on the shelf bila balik je dari kelas - dari tutorial - dari hantar assignment , but I choose to seek for the healing voices all the way from Malaysia because that's the only thing that kinda sooth the lingering feeling. And currently there's like piles of law books on the table and my fingers are dancing on the laptop 

Ini pun aku rasa dah malas nak express. 
so,


fee-yuhh

Its a motiveless tajuk of FIUH but spelling fiuh itself its like below my negative creativity level harhar so here I am trying to make things fancier ( insert firework 1.32 metre ) , so here I am again , writing comfortably in this once-wished-to-be-abandoned page , I guess time heals don't they?  ( they or it? how we call time? leuls najwa stawps. Though sebenarnya azam nak tulis balik when the page view hits 0 a day but looking at the statistics , if I strictly followed my kind of ridiculous dream ( by setting the page accessible to public some more ) I might not write for another a week I bet? 

Actually I had fun by shutting myself off from the 'alam maya' , walaupun takdelah buat apa sangat in real life aside from getting to know more people , classes , housemates , then housemates lagi sebab my life literally revolve around my housemates and my course-mates and end up masih juga rumah , but its still feels livelier more than ever sebab most time spend masa jana pemikiran produce lawak lawak hambar yang surprisingly people still reacts to my so deserted lame jokes. * lambai lambai artis lap hidung sambil memakai gloves tangan putih crown di kepala senget sebelah haha * 

for anyone like anyone yang terasa or terkesan dengan lenyapnya daku dari mana mana medium alam maya , I'm sorry , I will try to detach this bad behavior because yeahs I ( thought )  ( like I ) don't really think people do care , but thank you if you does. Thank you :) ( semalam bercakap pasal knowing people is a responsibility , like we need to keep a good contact with people , and I'm literally headshoting myself sepanjang bercakap tu sebab tak lunaskan pun hak hak berkawan ni  * pengsan tergolek * )

Banyak k sebenarnya I kept inside my notes or anywhere that I can write privately. Like how lame an almost 24 hours journey travelling from Malaysia to Cardiff with that heavy hearts that no one can ever explain , how it feels like spending your raya on the plane eating buns with undetectable dish when you can smell ( in my brain ) ( like how can you najwa ) sup tulang dimasak tatkala lembu sudah di qurban , ( meniarap secara drama menarik kaki lembu sambil meraung ) hahaha. I was glad sebab pilih tarikh balik sehari before hari raya aidiladha , so that all my siblings can gather around and send me off , indeed their efforts are priceless. Abang jauh dari Perlis , Nadzmi dari Palam terus tunggu dekat KLIA when he have class on that same day , and in a way it brightens up that gloomy day , what a great summer I had , dapat spend masa tengok muka ayah ibu , dan yeah sekarang tengah homesick kejap , tolong sesiapa pindahkan Malaysia sebelah UK please , like once ( like many times pun ceqqq sukaaaa ) ( I don't know if I've said these things in the previous post but in case I'm repeating , its to show how grateful I am , how happy I was thinking about their priceless efforts )







i miss everyone :(


I did planned some rangka nak tulis post on how that day feels like tapi eventually dia telah bersemadi dalam draft and that vibes aren't there anymore T.T 

cuba menceriakan hati dengan menulis leuls. 

I just partially done my first tutorial for the year , which I tell you susah gilaaaaaaa k nak gather that wanting to finish your workloads after having three weeks classes without tutorials , and after an almost five months breaks from sets of long tutorial questions , kali ni memang rasa ya ampun seksanya kerana malas tanpa sebab. I might find myself golek kekiri kekanan atas katil for like two hours then terlelap jap mimpi luar petala ke sembilan putera raja whatssap ( because melamar sambil melutut sounds cliche enough ahah sampailah my housemate wakes me up with " Najwa jom solat jom " tiba tiba daku tersedar tercari cari eh takde whatssap ke tadi kah kah pooooooooooofffff hilang semua putera hilang ( I sounds weird now I know haha ) ( in case kalau confius kan , * if you read this line * you can shut your browser off hahah ) 


DAN SEBENARNYA SERONOK WEH BELAJAR NI , ( nada serious yang teruja ) ( aku serious ni aku serious )  because when you start , you slowly grabs the understanding and slowly seru balik the spirit and eventually it feels so gooooooood dapat manfaatkan masa , so takdelah rasa sia sia sangat kehidupan ni , moga kekal aaaa momentum rajin tuu. 

suasana kehidupan second year ni rasa macam way better than my first year sebab like almost semua solat , solat jemaah sesama dengan housemate , alhamdulillah rumah baru ni is a blessing insyaAllah , ada common room to gather psst fyi its even nearer to the school ( ballet dance pusing pusing tengah dapur ) no more lisvane bye bye hello thesiger ( jangan tanya camne nak sebut , masih fail , lidah melayu , masih ) hahahha  , lazimi mathurat every morning though ngantuk tahap tak boleh cerita , then we do breakfast like a king and a pauper masa dinner ( more berpagi-pagian though sometimes we cheat ) ( its the only thing we can cheat , kasi can please ) , dia rasa macam hidup atas landasan yang lurus insyaAllah hendaknya. Moga terus istiqamah diri sendiri dan sekeliling :) 

picnic with le sisters :)

baby ji got more new friends :DDD

The wall of a distorted love size because I'm obviously pendek dan tak reti memanjat haha 

tilt your head - with Humaira and Haziqah :)

my housemates , my blessings in life :) 


jarang dah sebenarnya stay up but I exceed my usual sleep time ( because its weekEND ) ( and I can ) haha 

so there goes my feeeyuhhh post . 

det-ache-ing

Its been a while I bet. 

( I was emotionally complicated ) ( hypothesis shall come first ; women memang complicated ) 

I'm a woman 
I AM COMPLICATED 
hypothesis accepted , 


I've been constantly writing through other mediums ( laying low as for now ) till my friend ask me a short question " Kenapa Najwa dah tak tulis blog ? " knowing that she don't ( really ) read my page hence why question . I spent quite some time explaining on why I choose not to write on this site  ( plus with all the protections I put on the comments site ) , I guess it was meant to comfort myself. 

In fact I was trying to do the same for other social medias. For comfort. Disappear to give myself a little space ( though by not writing suffocates me inside , because its been always be writing that sooth me * in a way ) I sounds depress aren't I? Well to be exact , I'm not since I'm enjoying what life offers me at the moment . Tipulah tak rindu all those babbles moment nak spur your heart out , nak tells whats inside your mind in the limited 140 characters or even share the happy moments on the instagram and to store all the stories inside the blog . I miss the 'ME' that spends a portion of my life trying to fancy the life we put on our (not that) social medias but its for good cause kot ( like living a livelier present ) , so I (hardly) choose to detach myself from these things. 

it ache. it does

For someone who I can say , were very attached to all sorts of social medias , detaching is always the hardest part. You need to restrain yourself dari nak update segala macam perkara , I do take pictures like OOTD (har har ) like everyday and till one moment ambik gambar sebab suka suka bukan sebab nak put in on the timeline ( which kejap lagi you see yourself checking on the likes ) , if its not you , its me . Tapi entahlah , I just feel like not publicizing my life anymore which that includes me reflecting over stuff - storing memories. Kot. Truthfully what happened in the past regarding the blog really affect me in many ways and to write back , to be able to inspire some eyes is so hard for me now. 

I write because there might be someone who've been reading through my rumbles and thoughts .  You must be that someone that secretly delivers love and support which I appreciate that so much :) Time heals don't they?

It heals a bit since I've loosen the protection towards the commenting site ( dah vanish dah kot all the super menganggu fikiran comments ) 

I hope you stay healthy , bright like you always do , have a good day  ( You applies to anyone who're still scrolling through ) 

Do send me bundles of doa. You might see me actively writing in the future. I hope to see some improvement with my perspective and my spirit towards (public read ) stories. or whatever you call it heh. 


Nah , ( for I don't know what ) but it was the first day of class , and I was excited sebab first time duduk atas sekali ( tak atas sekali but atas la ) ( me being asian sits at the third row from down below dari sem satu ) but this semester punya jadual memaksa daku untuk berlari lari anak dari law school ke this lecture theater hence explains why I need to sit dekat atas hew. 

No longer

This is me , talking to myself .

...

This site is no longer my favorite to spur things.
It turns out to be a hateful site , a harmful toxic to the emotions
Though it passed and resolved , still , a harmful one
Like how funny could it be , a dead nonliving site is so powerful to turn your life...

I must know the world is harsher than this. Its just a beginning.

But I am keeping this alive since some people still need it
for a reference based on my past.
Moga sikit tu bermanfaat.
Moga sikit tu membantu.

I have so many things to say. A reply to every single thing.
But I choose stop.
I'm learning and forcing myself to treat a human like how a human should be treated.
if I ever continue lashing out the points ,
I am
just the
person whom I don't wish to be

Walking away , keeping things between me and The Creator.
because it sooth more than ever.

Tak susah pun to walk away because that's always how it seems to happen.
People breaks , and you , is still you in the past.
You walk away.

Human'mean' . Still a human'kind'
Be strong girl. Be strong.

May He instill guilt's in you . Like how He instill guilt's inside me. 
so that you know the steps you should have take 
to kill the guilt's you had in you. 

To you and your friends , I owe you guys an apology.

To you , who're behind all those comments ,
I am sorry. I had this one day to reflect upon my fault.
I had neglected the facts that I should ask you guys before hand.
I've been there , being accused by medias as they wrote a total different facts from my issue ,
I should have see that in your case too.

If there's any way for me to compensate on this issue , please let me know.

For being such a dumb ass to you and your friends , I owe you guys an apology
But its just that I hope you don't relate it with my parents love for me.
For causing such ruckus , I'm sorry. And it's okay if you wish not to forgive me.

I admit all my faults. For writing , and for affecting and neglecting your emotions.

To you and your friends ,
deep inside , akak harap Allah mudahkan urusan awak awak semua. Ease it in any way He can ease it for you guys.  Moga diberikan apa jua jalan to end it with a good settlement. For disappointing too , I'm sorry.  Moga ujian menguatkan awak , akak dan semua.

You have my support , 119 , stay strong and keep fighting.

Maafkan akak.

For causing such ruckus. I know I'm at fault

I'm sorry for being a jerk I admit.
Maafkan saya. Moga Allah mudahkan urusan awak.


Going back to Cardiff soon.

My last updated post was like two weeks ago and ada je attempt nak menulis sikit sikit in between tapi aku secara tiba tiba menjadi malas melepet nak menghabiskan karya karya hahahhaha kau panggil ini karya anis najwa? ( patut letak sekali tanda soal tanda seru sekali dalam ayat ni ) 

After three months , after answering to countless questions of 
" Bila balik sana balik? "
- " Akhir september "   
 - " Oh lama lagi " 
... Well actually I'm left with approximately 11 days before going back to Cardiff. Like how three months passes by , 11 days is like pejam celik kau sudah berada  di KLIA menyeka air mata hahahahhaa . Of course kau takyahlah kan tanya , apa perasaan anda? Its complicated. Than ever.  ( caps lock font size 48 Times New Roman ) hahah siap. Sebab masa first year , before departing kau busy gila uruskan visa la , dah ke KL visanya tak siap siap , dah patah balik ke Melaka , barulah email sampai visa kau dah sampai ( emoticon muka monyet ) - so kecelaruan ni macam menganggu emosi kau nak sedih ke apa , sebab its CELARU instead of sedih. Jadi hati tu takdelah rasa berat nak meninggalkan tanah air because after all , its your freakingsztwoyears dream ( after hectickus alevels ) , so excited tu mestilah terselit sekali dalam kecelaruan perasaan tu haha. 

Tapi bila dah nak masuk second year ni , after kau dah melalui setahun fasa usaha - fasa mengidam - fasa homesick - fasa counting days meskipun baru dua tiga bulan dekat sana - fasa hidup tak move on , dia rasa macam haish beratnya nak balik. ( I'm sick of comparisons tak henti henti belajar luar dalam negara , just so you know both have pros and contras and if you're wondering , we suffer too , WE ALL SUFFER DON'T WORRY in our own way haha ) I do miss Cardiff for  the super laju tak buffer internet , leaving foods on the tables without the worries dia akan basi ke tak ( sebab dia lambat nak basi ; kenapa ? hahaha berdasarkan ilmu picisan aku dalam sains , aku cuma rasa bakteria tak berkerja secara telus semasa cuaca sejuk ) ( kah kah kah ) , tapi the feelings of bermalas malasan di tanah air sambil mengacau orang adalah lebih membahagiakan haha. Hearing to nags and babbles are bearable compared to rasa nak balik tu. No matter how much efforts yang aku spur untuk instill ' bersyukur dengan peluang belajar ' , still these dragging feelings menghantui diriku haha. 

Tapi

After all , I'm hitting the reality. Nak tak nak ticket dah ada. Its Rabu depan depan anyway , raya haji I know. Takbir mengiringi kepulanganku ~~~~  Barang dah mula list dan kemas , financial planning dah jot down.  Meskipun jiwa memberontak , secara sedarnya , aku membuat persiapan yangs sepatutnya. Sebab aku sedar its like a new start , aku nak tak nak dah buat all the list beforehand. Minda sedar > minda mahu berangan angan hahahhahah pun boleh k. 

Second year ni aku banyak simpan niat , banyak gila simpan angan angan , but its better for me to keep it inside my lists and my circle of people yang akan bergiat aktif dengan wish lists aku , so whatever it is the list , aku mengharapkan doa dari mata mata yang membaca , untuk doakan all my wish and aims berjaya for this upcoming second year. Saw people graduating with first class honour , I AM SO JEALOUSSSS and wishing for the same thing too , tapi kalau wish je usaha tak turut serta pun tak jadi jugak kan? Its definitely on the list aaaa untuk strive even harder and tengah tunggu timetables untuk susun self study punya jadual. I wanna travel more too so got to save more jugak. Trying to detach myself from the harmless social medias , hahah I've been scrolling fb's for articles , recipes , stories , good things yang aku rasa macam nantilah baca , shared it on my wall for my own view haha. Dengan harapan nanti rajin nak baca balik. 

Anyway , summer had been so great for me , I don't do much , just merging myself into where I belong , having this night talks with my sister and my brothers , doing a community work- buat kelas to help the UPSR PT3 students with their revisions and homework , pergi Cambodia for #beedadari_project , pergi Perlis tempat abang - pergi INTEL seperti yang dihajatkan , going to the dentist ( to my surprise haha ) replying mails , and write a lot in different medium , do what daughters should do , do what sisters should be doing , and aku rasa summer aku bermakna in my own way I hope. :) 

For all the rambles above , I find more reasons to feel grateful. Grateful dengan peluang yang ada. InsyaAllah semangat tu akan datang balik secara berkala. 

Doakan aku dapat gather semangat untuk balik dan belajar , doakan jugak jadi anak tabah di perantauan , banyak banyak doa yang tak terlintas pun dalam kepala ni , doakanlah yang baik baik insyaAllah :) 

Tak tahu lagi nak wish " see you next year " or " see you next two years " 


* puffy morning faces * balik Cardiff be like , hmm lets go back
ala nanti boleh...
hmm k redha balik. ( jetlagged ) *tetiba* haha

but , just see you when I see you :)