A journey I'm opting till the day I die

Tadi keluar satisfy sweet tooth housemate , pastu macam mana tah boleh tersembang pasal borang BM ( Baitul Muslim ) 

Last time I saw the form was last year , I mean in 2016 still but in my second year , bukak kejap usha what are the things they asked inside it.  Basically it's like a self evaluation form - describe yourself and whatnot . Its a form where you kinda need people's idea / description about you. Oh baru teringat , mungkin boleh masuk topik BM ni sebab on the way ke Kaspas tu ( the dessert place ) my housemate compliments my cooking today tahap dia terfikir ( dan dia cakap ) ' wuish siapa yang kahwin dengan najwa ni untung gila ' ( dan kalaulah kahwin tu revolve around masak je , mungkin dah boleh kahwin dari tahun tahun lepas la kan huuuui ) 

Oh k back to the form , sampai satu tahap tu , soalan yang aku pause ( dan kinda taknak isi last year ) ialah 

Prospect dakwah

( idk the exact wording but basically asking about projection individu untuk masa depan dalam dakwah dan tarbiyah ) 

I can't answer that last year sebab satu benda yang keep playing inside my head ' I don't see myself in dakwah and tarbiyah lepas habis belajar ' as if its an obligation yang boleh buat masa ada kelapangan je. 

And slowly Allah answered resolves my doubt subtly during summer holiday and sets of daurah I went for masa third year. Sangat banyak event yang Allah susun untuk tunjuk ' You better see yourself in dakwah tarbiyah ' 

the spark was the car ride with Kak Akhma balik Ramadhan program - then conversation dengan ibu balik daurah ' Teruskan semua ni even dah habis belajar ' , because it comes from someone so dearly to you , its like getting a big support to accelerate dalam jalan ni  

And I'm kinda seeing myself , gaining confidence nak isi borang tu , and I told my housemate yang

 ' I don't know how but dakwah tarbiyah ni adalah benda yang kita nak buat sampai kita mati ' 

and harapnya Allah redha and choose me to stay in the journey.

By saying that impliedly saying I need to be ready with anything yang Allah nak uji. Sebab I definitely know yang He won't let me to say I am among the believers without being tested. 

I never know how to express this but I am grateful dengan susunan Allah - setahun yang lepas dakwah dan tarbiyah mungkin tergerak dengan paksaan yang halus ( my kakak usrah is a pro with this kening kening and I am forever grateful for that ) - setahun lepas mungkin baca article berunsur tarbiyah tak rasa kesannya

Daurah minggu lepas sangat sangat mengubah ruang pandang , mengisi segala kekosongan bagi perkara yang masih ada lompong dalam kepala though its not directed directly for me as I went there as a facilitator . Walaupun contemplate masa nak pergi , dua tiga orang cakap ' Ada tu tarbiyah yang Allah nak bagi ' 

And indeed , sangat banyak. Usually people get pengisian ' Qaedah Sulbah ' being the creme of the crop masa daurah summer after first year , tapi first year summer holiday aku tak merasakan yang aku kena pergi daurah daurah tu , jadi aku dapat input ni masa dah insyaAllah setahun bergerak dalam gerabak dakwah dan tarbiyah. 

Aku nak sangat dapat tulis setiap perasaan tu dalam ni  tapi aku tahu aku tak mampu nak susun pun nak mula dari mana dan macam mana , tapi I wish to make it a topic yang aku akan sembang dengan orang sebab aku nak deliver dia dengan kata kata and perasaan. 


Behind the making of Pay It Foward article.


' Never to undermine someone's effort , be it a small deed , or a meaningless one to you ' 

This brings me back to 2012 where I got angered , annoyed precisely ( and I expressed it ) when someone posted lots of posts that defeats the purpose of why the group existed. And the quote above , even its not the real wording of it , but its from my ustazah which this phrase stuck inside my head , till now. And for something to stay inside your head for quite a long time , there must be a very good reason beneath it , and today ( or for the past few days might be one of the answers why ) 


( I have this issue of self confidence going on , hence I might ask everyone to ignore my picture featured there T.T ) 


Earlier today the article about Pay It Forward , Cardiff version , written by Noelle was up on the site . As what she said , we exchange few tweets and she emailed me - saying that she wanted to make an article out of it. At first when she notified me through the tweet , I was of course happy someone looked up online for the tiny project. Though to be honest I don't really mind if no one does because to fit its  original purpose , which to pay things forward , basically do good to others without repaying the initial doer. 

And it never came across my mind ( at all ) that someone will make an article out of it , because to me , seriously its a very small project , a random weekly project with my Khawlah ( used to be Haifa's * my former usrahmates , which I hardly moved on from * Khawlah hihi ) , and I said to her , many times , that it's really nothing much ( at least for us ) because what we did was happily writing those notes , googling quotes online , went through the cupboard for any sweets left to be distributed , luckily my housemate bought a plastic of kopiko and someone bought a box of chocolate for the house ( which later we distributed them ) , too many chocolate consumptions might not be good for the household ey? Not to mention , the papers we used are Haziqah's ( my previous kakak usrah , haven't really moved on isn't it? I miss Ayyash a lot !

The idea wasn't really mine though , every time before having usrah with the girls , I will discuss / consult with my usrahmates on what to do this week - they gave ideas on to do continue what we learned last week , which we watched 'Pay It Forward' movie and reflected upon phrases in Surah Al- Baqarah , ayat 261 onwards that speaks about charity . So basically it Mira and Ajlaa that suggest to manifest it into deeds , and just so you know , or you might have known that I'm affected most by words , hence why I suggested to Khawlah to make notes with random words for random strangers. Because it touches me , so it might as well touches others. 

Later I received an email from the writer of the article  saying that she wanted to meet me , ( which where  the conversation channelled from twitter to email * which indirectly showing the intention of making it serious increases* ) to interview about the project .

 I was anxious , and knowing myself , I agreed upon meeting her  ( and hence the nerve-wrecking episode ) , that night I was practicing with the dolls gang on the bed on what words shall I use in exchange to some terms like ( usrah ) ( kakak usrah ) and whatnot. 

The day 

I woke up early that day ( nayy I doubt it ) , after discussing with my mom on what shall I cook - and we arrived to a conclusion - cekodok it is ! ( and I said its Vegetable fritters * since I put in carrots and potatoes , and onions which makes it qualified enough to be called vegetable fritters haha ) ,  in that mean time , I got tons of butterflies flying inside my stomach figuratively . I rarely established any dakwah and tarbiyah conversation with non muslim , even there's not much talking happening with the locals ( perhaps due to un-match interests ) , so my tongue got twisted even way before the conversation starts. This had indirectly doubled the anxiousness , and I do doubt my decision on meeting her that day. 

This reminds me of Prophet Musa , in his stories that Allah kept it recorded . He used to be a man who's not really good with his words , I wonder how hard was it for him , and he's in a tougher  situation where he's conveying the truth to a person that claims himself as the god. May Allah bless you Prophet Musa , lets have some tea later in the paradise and I might as well introduced to you the invention of crispy coated chicken we had in the 20th century , which we called KFC haha

Back to the story  , right at 10.00 am she knocked the door and we had this conversation about the project and I don't know how the conversation got diverted , and she asked what Khawlah means and what is it actually , so I could only think of that its an Islamic study group. And she asked what we usually do in the group , and I said that we usually reflected on the Qur'an phrases , sometimes we discussed about issues happening around us. 

And at one point when I said that we're doing this because the world outside there is too cruel and we believe in these kind of small gestures , she asked about Islamophobia and the term of jihad itself ( tadaaaaada if you can see my nerves working inside my brain , its a chaos up there )  , alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah , though it was not really an accurate kind of answer but I said to her that jihad is not limited in the context of war / killing , which that is not all about the jihad itself. Jihad to me , to us is about submitting something good to Allah , so it can be in the terms of studying itself. And even if we're talking about wars , there are limitations and guidance to it ( such as not to kill children , old people , women and not to touch the plants ) . 

Nevertheless , all religion preaches good thing , no religion preaches you to do something bad . And the problem with the current situation is that people only take a part of the religion , example ; the need of doing jihad towards Allah but they don't take the part where Allah wants you to do good to people , or to what extent does the people behave in certain ways that allows you to take action on them. 

And towards the end of the discussion she asked me , whether will it matters to us if someday people take over the trophy and claimed that its them who start the project ? And since its not even ours to begin with , it doesn't matter at all. 

After all , everyone do good things in their life , everyone wants to do good in their life , and sometimes this is not about changing others , but its about changing you. Changing your heart :)

Little notes , small token of appreciation , perhaps the smallest gesture of smile - its about offering things up to the extend you're not expecting something in return. Not even a short 'thank you' , but to offer 'thank you' to people who offers you kindness , even bad things , is encouraged. And beneath that , its the intention that really matters. Because at the end of the day , if you're doing it with a wrong intention , it will be meaningless , and some day you will want to bring this on the judgement day  , as one of the thing you have done in the world. If its tainted with bad thoughts and greediness , it might be worthless isn't it? 

And indeed Allah knows what is inside your heart and may He make us , the steadfast one insyaAllah. 

So that's it , perhaps the things I could recall along the process. If you're reading this through , thank you for the support , excuse my bad English ( limited vocabulary and jumbling up grammars ) but I hope that someday this will reminds me of my days in Cardiff , and perhaps be the reason to be among the grateful ones. I don't get the chance to take a picture with the writer but I will insyaAllah in the future :)  

To be honest , the credit should really go to the people around me , for making it to happen alhamdulillah :) 

Resolving the 'feeling of being wanted'

This motion could actually lead me to a partial depression. I guess it happened many times in the week / weeks that I am in need of a great force to resolve this feeling , wanting to be wanted by somebody. And this does not specifically applies to a woman - man relationship , because I'm having such issue , like in friendship.

I tried many times reciting this mantra which leads the tears to fall down , which to make myself feels suffice with Allah alone. Suffice Allah in any of your life affairs. Allah alone suffice , Allah alone suffice for you. And to He who knows all affairs definitely knows this is perhaps one of my lowest point.

I used to feel so carefree sharing about events that happened in my life , and realized one day that we're not in an equal kind of relationship , because I am just no ones choice to tell about their stories. And I used to tell myself that its about people's preferences and you should respect it.

But some days hit me hard , I stopped telling almost everyone things I used to share with them. Its not that I'm expecting an equal kind of gesture in return , but because of the feeling of not wanted. It requires a big effort to actually tell myself that I'm standing in the best position He wants me to stand at .

Its pretty hard ey ? For not expecting at least , a tiniest thing in return? I thought this feelings were derived from the fact that I'm not being grateful with the blessings I had in my life. You might not know how hard it is to give assurance to yourself that it's okay , you're actually in many people's prayer. I tried to encounter each of negativity with blessings I got in my life and sometimes its just too hard.

someday the people who used to have you in their life for specific reasons , once they acquired what they wanted , they will leave you behind and perhaps I was one of the person who left right after I acquired something from that someone  . Karma.

Well I will just keep reciting the mantra

Suffice Allah in all of your affairs.

Human is the agent of contagious kindness

I was in the rush of completing my tutorial because I badly want to write on the blog , the writing is beyond horrible I know  . Lama sangat dah rasa pumped up to write inside the blog. Sampai aku ponder adakah aku sedang hidup dalam hidup yang membosankan. When actually I'm living a pretty meaningful life or maybe its just me who perceive it that way. 

Kadang aku rasa sebenarnya stressed out to keep a one language writing , which it sounds good for international read but somehow that affects my passions. I realized bila tengok balik balik post lama , aku rasa macam weh mana hilang Najwa yang ni , yang bila dia ponder upon something terus dia tulis and share her thoughts. I had a lot of things running inside my head but somehow aku jadi orang yang lebih selesa untuk simpan segala macam perkara tu dalam kepala. And perhaps I'm brilliantly drawing the line between what / what not to be shared online. 




Earlier today we had a movie evening , can't even call it a night because it's literally done in the evening. But before we start , we reflected upon the second surah , Al-Baqarah , ayat 260-269. The longest surah in the quran , and these specific range of ayat tells us about doing good deeds , the importance of 'tak ungkit' anything that we give to people , fears of poverty by giving . 

We combined two usrah group , though I was a bit scared that my adik adik usrah will not be okay with the big crowd ( according to the past experience and perhaps my own stigma ) , but I had to do so , because for me personally , dakwah and tarbiyah requires you to grow up.

Perhaps growing up includes leaving some comfort zone and challenged yourself . I just wanted them to feel its totally okay to mingle with a big crowd  , familiarizing themselves in a surrounding that many people want to do good in their life , and there's this one tiny phrase one of them uttered just now caught my attention ( the fact that it stays inside my mind till now , its rather significant )  when someone is knocking the door ( and somebody responded ; hahhh siapa lagi datang tuu * can't really recall the exact wording ) 

Eh biarlah , takkan kau nak buat baik ( kebaikan ) sorang sorang? 

and perhaps at the moment , somehow mungkin aku je yang ada stigma yang they're ( my adik adik ) facing a hard time of growing up , when actually aku sebenarnya orang yang limit their growth . Maybe I was driven by the fact that I want them to feel what I felt back then , it was really a pleasant feeling to see myself , went through the hard phase of mingling with people ( though you might not see that struggle struggling inside me ) , because somebody else had a trust inside me that I can. 

And I'm putting my trust on these girls from now on , that they will grow up beautifully . And perhaps its just because I love them , that I want good things to happen to them. 

 And somehow that brings me back to one of my post in the past which I hardly understand now , but the essence of the post is about ( bolehlah kot nak visit the old me speaking hahah )  ; Wanting to be someone better. 

Back in Ramadhan 2013 , that was in my second / third semester I couldn't recall , I was facing a struggle that I want to be better and I am in my best phase of changing , which is in Ramadhan. Masa tu memang sangat sangat nak jadi baik , but at the moment when I went to musolla for terawikh , I can't stand the fact that many people pun turun sekali , sebab aku rasa sebab ramai nilah surau beraircond tu jadi panas secara tiba tiba. ( terbakar jap kan haha ) In the same post I reflected that

 takkanlah kau nak buat baik sorang sorang , all these people yang turun surau ni orang orang yang nakkan kebaikan untuk diri diaorang jugak , wasn't that supposed to make you happy ? Huh? 

Oh and the movie we watched this evening was ' Pay It Forward ' , a movie that was produced by in 2000. The idea of the movie is a person do good to three people , and instead of repaying back the kindness , they will pay the kindness forward to more people. Example , I paid for your lunch today , and someday you will repay my treat , by helping a blind stranger to cross the road . 


That literally makes 'kindness can be contagious ' 

and that makes me reflected on Surah Al-Insan ( 76 )

There's this one phrase , in a dialogue form , said by human

 ' We're not doing these to expect anything in return neither asking for 'thank you' from you , we're doing this for the sake of pleasing Allah '. 

That brings me back to the old me , I once cried when I was expecting at least a 'thank you' from my family members because I was 'exhausted' ( macam penat sangat kannnn gaya dia ) for doing all the house chores ( when I actually did not do 'ALL' ) , and I vividly remembered that my father makes a joke out of it , he kept repeating thank you that time and I'm frustrated of course. 

Dan mungkin hikmah Allah masih ingatkan aku tentang insiden tu sampai sekarang , is for me to notice this one single ayat at the time yang aku dah mula berfikir reasons beneath the ayat ( walaupun kau mungkin dah lima juta kali khatam Quran ) . Kau buat kerja kerja rumah ni patutnya tak payah harap ucapan terima kasih , or even belanja makan or anything , tapi sebab kau nak redha Allah. I know its sounds vague , and how to even know we acquired redha Allah tu , but perhaps starts with 

' I'm doing this not expecting anything in return ' ( nanti Allah bayar waktu lain insyaAllah ) 

Al-Insan literally means Human , and there is always reasons why the surah named differently , most surah covers more than a single topic , and perhaps we hardly establish the correlation between the name of the surah and the content of the surah. ( like Al-Baqarah literally means : Lembu Betina ) . 

But for me , specifically for Al-Insan , the surah named Human and Allah speaks Himself about human will give the thing that he loved to the poor and unfortunate people  and they are doing it to please Allah. Ironically , in real life practice , kita manusia ni antara makhluk yang susah nak bagi benda yang kita sayang dekat orang , kalau bagi pun kita mesti akan bagi dekat orang yang kita related to , bukan some poor strangers out there. 

And nak katanya yang Allah ni memang kenal manusia , he continues for like 10 phrases that He will reward a fascinating reward ( He describes the heavenly heaven ) ( And dia definitely tahu yang kita manusia ni fascinated dengan reward ) , and this is for the people whom with patience of doing what that pleases Him. He mentioned PATIENCE twice in the same page ( 579 ) , which to really test the perks of being a human , with a very limited sabar ( patience ) 

Towards the end of Surah Al - Insan , He gave assurance to human that if you want something good for yourself , then walk towards Him. Knowing that the journey of pleasing Him is not an easy one , and He said ' Kau tidak mampu menempuh jalan tu  kecuali apabila dikehendaki Allah ' , and moga moga kita antara orang yang Allah bagi tempuh jalan tu , because after all we're breathing , having a life because of His blessings. 

InsyaAllah. 

Telemovie ; Izinku Kembali

I couldn't contain my sadness any longer watching this Izinku Kembali , I've been watching Tiz Zaqyah's telemovie for the past week , some drowned me into frustration because I couldn't really tolerate the unclear story line but this Izinku Kembali ( though I kept wondering where 'Kan' between Izin and Ku missing ) is an exception. 

The story : 

Its a story about a single mother , divorced by her husband because his another wife refuse polygamy when the husband initially says that he will keep the marriage for the sake of the children as long as the first wife gave the permission for him to marry another one . Things got worse when they need to move out from the house as his husband were in debt , and she couldn't afford to pay for the rent. Tiz Zaqyah ( named Ara in the movie ) had two children , a son and a daughter. The son was rebelling towards the situation and got into some troubles with the teenage at the village , I partially hated him for not compromising or even trying to make it easier for the mum but he actually got some soft sides as a brother and still got that sense of responsibility of a son. Eventually as typical teenagers , he did went into trouble again and again which makes it harder for Ara who was thinking how to take care of the daughter who falls sick due to kidney failure. I couldn't blame him though , he was at one of his toughest time to deal with his parents separation and he ought to say that life will be much easier if he live with the father. Oh I forgot the husband married a wealthy woman ; it goes without saying that he is living in a pretty good life. The son blames Ara for being the one who asked for a divorce , but as usual he only captures the part where the mother says so , but not the earlier part when the father who initiate the separation. 

Though I thought at some points its just ridiculous how things get worse each time , and life never been easy for her. Some of the villagers even badmouth behind her for being a beautiful widow that will seduce their husbands. But that's the reality  , people will talk bad things about you , even for the things you haven't done wrong for , and for some what she felt was just a beginning of what's life is actually offering to you. And because she's the mother , she must be the strongest one , the one who needs to work for the family , WHEN EVERYTHING IS SO HARD FOR HER TO BARE ( scream inside while crying on the outside ) . I can't help but understand how Ara feels . 

But you can actually expect that first son went to the father's place and the step mother ( the second wife ) is excellently following the Cinderella stepmother scheme , the evil one , the one who claims that he was the one who helps the husband escaping the miseries. The son now worked in the second wife's house as a gardener. It saddens me to see the father helplessly allow that to happen . But this is perhaps a very good lesson to the son because finally he realized what's the reality .  I guess the son really plays a powerful role , we owe so much to his rebelling side because that hits the father's hard. 

Luckily , Ara found a friend , who offers her emotional help , the friend is also a single mother. The friend brought her to support circle for people who's experiencing the same situation as hers. I wish that I will keep the same kind of friend till the very end. 

WOW WOW WOW 

THE FATHER FINALLY STOOD UP ! ( this what happened when you are writing while watching the movie )  ouw that slap on the second wife feels so real. 

Now I get it , Izinku Kembali actually applies to the father and the son. Even though the father does not really appear that much in the story. What unique about Ara's character is such doesn't hold grudge , forgetting what happened is never possible , and I believe a woman with such good hearts forgives like Ara does because its for the sake of the children. If its according to the story I don't think the parents got back together . And the father sacrifice his kidney to save the daughter. The ending of the story is so simple , they took a photograph together on the son's graduation day. 

I know it may sounds clichΓ© enough but that's what film / telemovie producers should have been doing , highlight some hidden reality behind clichΓ© corporate world. What I love about this movie is that it shows the realistic side of the world , things will hit you hard , and it will not get easier over one night. Ara's friend said in one of the scene that 'You can never expect things will magically heal , you need to work something out' . Her role as an outsider played well because that's what outsiders do , you can never deny the emotional help though it may sounds helpless. Even if they never stand in our shoes. 

For a very short story , an hour an a half , this television movie is grasp really well and I love it !

Bade Hj Azmi , bravo ! 

Some quotes I love from the movie is when the son refused to eat dinner ( which looks like a cat's food ) and says that he won't get wiser by eating those , Ara replied ' Back then the prophet only eats dates but his message spreads to the world ' and 

' Not even once what happened in our life is coincidence , its by fate ( by good reason ) and God is never wrong '