#RoadToUK Tee Arr Aii Aae Ell 's

T R I A L S

hehe kemain nak phonetics bagai and siap acah acah hashtag #RoadToUK but I think somehow it could be one kind of inspiration to make myself aware with the road that I am walking through. K. Next week trials and maybe that could be the reason why I don't blog these days - previously I still had the urge to write something sebab ada benda yang dok bermain dekat kepala which mainly about relationship and pains - tapi sekarang , nak ada perasaan nak menulis tu pun rasa payah. Lols. Whats with the aim to reminisce memories through the writing heh? 

Aweef * contoh nama cucu * : Tokmak I was going through your blog previously but why you don't write a lot in between January and February in 2014 ?

Me : Oh dulu tokmak nak trial dah malas nak tulis dalam blog so tokmak kinda lupa apa benda yang berlaku dalam phase tersebut - tokmak millenium haha. 

Aweef again : So you're saying you malas aaa ni tokmak? 
Me : Isn't it obvious ? 

Previously this girl inside the picture , her name is Aliatul , I was doing some plot twist -

Aliatul , kalau tetiba kita kata kita dah kahwin awak percaya tak . 

gelak tiga puluh tahun tolak a squared of 100 , then there's a moment of silence and suddenly with a serious voice.

Najwa kalau awak kata awak dah kahwin , SAYA PERCAYA. 
then I go lols lols lols lols for thousand times. 

I don't why but truthfully rasa macam banyak proscrastinate these days which I know , I shouldn't tapi adakah itu perasaan semata but yes no i dont know I just got confused with myself. * crying out loud * . Sebab weekend I do vow my life to my study - my homeworks - my social network life which mainly turning me into a social freak so I detached myself with those things tapi sebenarnya takdelah detached mana. SEE HOW CONFUSED I AM. HAHA. Takde , kadang tu baca , jawab past years semua berulang kali , tons of exam notes ( notes yang cincai boncai yang hanya difahami oleh mata ini ) still I know there's hell lots of things to cover tapi macam clueless sebab hidup terasa lifeless. Padahal , baru lepas berjalan jalan beberapa hari sebelumnya. 

* nangis lagi *

So basically mungkin emotion macam ni adalah disebabkan trials and I firmly believe trials end , those downturns end tapi mungkin tidak. Haha. Baru faham kenapa dulu senior macam chipsmore , kejap nampak kejap tak , sebab I do feel that way though. Haha. I'm invisible to juniors eyes which  I don't really care. Haha. I do realize when I write this , somehow the stress is delivered well because I make fun of myself - confusing myself purposely. Miahahaha nampak gila bukan? 

Mungkin sebab I am much more aware , feeling feeling nak trial SPM dulu pun tak menekan macam trial A-levels ni , its like you're going through SPM once again and the cycles go round and round. Jadual trial jugak menyeksakan. Gelakkan diri sendiri please.

sejenis jadual yang menyeksa jiwa raga - boleh consider campak diri sendiri dalam raga baju kotor . 

Its 2014 and the pressure constantly make me aware yang aku dah more than halfway journey there. Tinggal tunggu satu university reply yang tidak kunjung tetiba , jauh sudut hati siapa taknak kan Kings College , tapi melihatkan kepada faktor faktor keduniaan yang lain , I feel like , I shall reduce the hopes maybe. And stick with Manchester and Cardiff. Tapi deep down nak jugak , camne ni. Tapi no harm kan kalau doa pun. 

So anyone yang happened to read up till this point , doakan saya dapat lepas trials dengan mudah dan seterusnya peringkat peringkat yang perlu dilunasi sepanjang #RoadToUK ni , maafkan diri ini , I've been reflecting a lot this days , cried a lot too  and somehow the pains inside the heart doesn't seems to wash away tapi I know I've been such a jerk to many people and I do shits , nothing more I could ask , I am asking for forgiveness. ( I knew I am doing a cliche action of someone who're going to sit for an exam soon ) but what do you expect ? Kalau cliche itu baik , why don't we do it right? Heh?

Here is Aweef again : Oh dulu my tokmak graduate UK. so do my toktok * my husband who is still missing by now * lols HAHA. 

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen :') 
Doakan mudah. If its meant to be it'll be. If its best , I'll be there someday. 

Why Korean movie/drama?

I am not into K-pop wave - because I could never assimilate their dances and the songs. So because its too complicated for me to accept the related jargon regarding K-pop - I choose to set up a barrier and constantly saying no to blonde korean guys . Haha. 

But , I am into korean movie and drama's . So please , be able to distinguish both because it seems absurd to me whenever people says I am a k-pop fans but I AM NOTT. <-- ni pun nak rasa absurd lols najwa haha. 

I am not trying to downgrade the movies and dramas produced by local produces because I do watch some , sometimes. I was watching the seventh episode of Emergency couple last night - when I am sleepy - but I just can't resist the pressure of watching it. I know its worthless to cry over a role play - I know I'm being judged but yeah , I cried so what. Haha. 

I just love how the directors being able to show an accurate pace on how the love line starts , and you feels everything on how they start , how they're connected , and from the connections - how the story is being played. My favourite dramas and movie so far ( since I only keep dramas and movies I want to watch for times ) , Boys Over Flower , Secret Garden , 49 Days , Master Sun , I Hear Your Voice ,  Reply 1997 , Princess Hours , Miracle in Cell No 7 and for now , Emergency Couple. So basically its cliche sebenarnya , sebab biasanya a korean drama , will be fun at the first , then dia akan emotionally dragged in the middle , but thats how life works right , so cliche tak cliche , I still love on how they set up such a wonderful story . Though at certain points sebenarnya tak make sense for someone that able to see whats inside someone's mind or even see tons of hantu hantu berkeliaran , but it still make sense to me when it comes to " Aaaa patutlah dia camni camni at first , because they have the connections in between " 

Macam takde motif , tapi takpelah.  

The senses.

Give your senses what they deserve. 

Have you every thought , that the eyes that He lent us was being lent to let you see good things? 

To see the beauty of the nature , the see how He's been creating the world as a place to live and share. For you to embrace some moments while it last  - but we're limiting the range of what the eyes supposed to value . You know you need to value the friendship but you tend to let your eyes see virtual things on the phone screen . 

I was reading my economics note and I've been deeply in love with Hazama's voice. But I find it hard when I fall deeply into the music , my mouth were mumbling trying to catch the lyrics and I was doing my economics. Your soul is not there together with you quenching the thirst of knowledge. Then I stop. So I played An-Nur recited by Mishary Al - Rashid . Then I stumbled upon myself - thinking on how bad I am - I am able to fall deeply and reciting the exact lyrics for tons of lovey dovey musics but I couldn't recite whats I've been reciting since I was young. 

Now that I know I've been such a jerk for not giving what my ears supposed to listened to. Music , badmouthing ... If ears were able to cry ... I've been in debt with my own senses for not able to give what they supposed to feel - see - hear - talk. 

Sorry. 

Give your mouth the words it deserves to say . Zikr. Good words. Recital of Holy Quran. Have you ever thought , don't you pity yourself - after all these while , dia telah banyak menjadi fitnah bagimu di dunia. You spark a fight with words. You break a relation with the power of words. Why don't you make the words heal you. Speak good things - ask for forgiveness - recite Al-Quran . 

Ada masa kita perlu bagi ruang untuk anggota badan kita merasai hidup yang tenang. Bukankah apa yang Allah bagi ini merupakan satu pinjaman?

How would you feel when you lent someone an amount of money and you know - you notice - you acknowledge that , that one person had been using your money untuk benda benda yang haram. 

It ache right. Or not? 

Then do you ever thought yang Allah tu Maha Berkuasa dan melihat setiap saat - setiap minit - perbuatan hambanya - yang dilakukan dengan anggota anggota pinjaman-Nya. We must be piercing Him A LOT. 


Reflect. 

Quick update.

My last post was on the 30th of January , which was like 2 weeks ago. 

I miss ranting lots of stuff inside here. I've been going through hard phase - which I hardly admit its hard since I am blessed with lots more of good things surround me. It kept bugging inside my head - that I shouldn't let myself over think about something that will constantly make me feel sad. But at some points in life - I hardly help myself.

I never knew semester four would be this kind of hectic . At least for now and I know it'll be much more challenging in the future. The workloads were like constantly digging up - the fact that I procrastinate a lot maybe. I finally stick my senses - trials on march - so I started my revision days . Adding inside the research paper I've been doing for English . I really need some constant motivation now . Sebab sekarang nak nasihat diri sendiri terasa susah. Cry. 

I need a constant motivation now. 

I bothered myself too much. Thinking how I can fix something. But I couldn't. Thinking how much I've committed inside the friendship. Thinking how long I've been going through. But that couldn't heal anything. I bothered myself. I'll break once again. And again. Maybe 


I kept thinking - if I constantly act this way . And the other parties concern were happily enjoying their life. What the hell I AM DOING NOW. break. cry . break once again. 

Brace yourself najwa. Brace yourself. 

This is just like a fast update on hows my life doing now. Which I don't really know whats the purpose of doing this post. Purposeless .