Let us be the inheritor of the paradise :')

January 28, 2017

So I'm good to go for the second daurah national in Ireland ! packed a survival kit containing a packet of peanuts , two sachet of medicines since my stomach gets grumpy every time I'm travelling and some biscoff 

( I swear they're soooo good , but later I realized they are more on the sweet side , had to dunk it into the milk to make it taste , less sweet * justified reasoning ey? * )

but nearly forgot the most essential thing - P A S S P O R T hahahahhahhaa you read me well , its the passport I forgot to pack ( nearly fainted ) ( no I'm not ) ( never know how fainted felt like ha ha ) 

We'll be quite late though , missed a slot of Tafsir Surah Ghafir I guess but perhaps that's best Allah is planning for me , I tried to change the ticket when I realized tutorials for second semester ( ehems last ) started with odd weeks which means I don't have trust tutorials at 4 on Friday * indirectly mean that I can go to Ireland a day earlier * . 

But its wayyyy too expensive , and perhaps as my naqibah ( kakak usrah ) said earlier 

Mungkin tarbiyah Allah tu pada perjalanan tu sendiri. 

Lets pray for the journey to be eased insyaAllah. At the very least , my heart will be at ease insyaAllah. 

My parents and my brothers flew off to Brunei today for my cousin's wedding. The first in the cousins line to get married alhamdulillah. Barakallahufik Kak Tira and husband :)

Today marks the 4th day of my 1 day 1 pastyear question project , alhamdulillah did my fourth set of question and answers today. Did all four modules to be fair to all of them , basically grasping back the feeling and its a bit rusty kick start , but progressing well insyaAllah :) 

what's wrong with your mind gurl? Are you serious? 2015? hahaha * I just realized it today tho

Living retrospectively haha

Once in the past , I don't exactly remember but I guess somewhere in December last year when an ustaz questioned 

What is the sign that what you're doing is accepted by Allah ? ( good deeds ) 

There are perhaps many answers to it but he said one of it is

' You're doing it consistently ' ' Be it a small one , its what you do consistently , perhaps from day to day '

At that time I was in the middle of my khatam second year projection , 2 pages a day after maghrib ( the compulsory one ) - and fair enough to say that I could do better actually , but I stay with the initial plan which to do 2 pages a day and it become one of the thing I'm looking forward to do in one day , and that words really sooth me knowing that Allah is pleased with me by allowing me to do it , slowly day to day. 

Its quite late than I expected but finished the projection on 15th November last year. Alhamdulillah. That's one of the intimate feeling I can never express , how pages by pages make me ponder upon His revelation. 

So later I think the application of the phrase 'what' you're doing is accepted by Allah' is not a magic thing that comes without an effort , 

In the context of the 1 day 1 pastyear , on the third day I was really contemplating - I was really tired , 3 classes and a tutorial back to back ( having more than two law classes in a day is a bit , tiring haha ) and I had usrah at 8.00 pm ( the usual time I aimed to do the past year ) , I'm in need of a short break ( a nap at least ) 

but this thought kept running inside my mind

You want to make this effort as something Allah pleased with , 

( You get what I am trying to say here ? ) 

indirectly saying I need to do this consistently ,  I need to make an effort , I left my bed , went for a shower and alhamdulillah finished the third set after an hour , minutes before usrah started . 

It goes both ways,  

signs that deeds  are accepted  is , you're doing it consistently - it can also be by you trying your best to do it consistently , your deeds insyaAllah will be accepted. 

 Allah , be pleased with my very small effort , I know that later what you give may not be correlated with my effort but at the very least , I know I'm trying my best for this. #roadtograduation insyaAllah. 

Yesterday , in the virtual circle of hangouts ( ceh ) we discussed about Prophet Ibrahim , I'm attracted with the reflection shared by my kakak naqibah when she said , there's so many things that we can learn from this man , 

if we go through his journey , he's a person that always put others first in his prayers , while he was building the Kaabah ( while doing something , he pray in the process of building Kaabah , he don't wait till Kaabah is completed  ) 

he prays to Allah that the people of Makkah at that time will be among the people that worship Allah and rewarded with eternal happiness ( the paradise ) 

but later Allah replies no , not everyone will be there in the paradise , only those who worship Him will . Then Nabi Ibrahim prays again that the people surround him will be rewarded with the rewarding ending , and Allah grants his wishes , his son Nabi Ismail is one of the person we all know , will be there with his father in the heaven insyaAllah. 

and the most important point is he put Allah as his utmost priority. 

This man here longs for a son , for such a long time , but later when Allah ordered him to slaughter his son to worship Allah , he follows Allah order. Imagine as a human being , how devastated he might be , something that he's been waiting for years , suddenly Allah ordered him to do so . But he did it without hesitation. 

How admirable :')

Prophet Ibrahim , 

the one in our daily prayers , you're someone I long to see in the heaven insyaAllah. Along with Prophet Muhammad and his companions , 

but I know it won't be a reality if I don't try my best isn't it? 

As mentioned in Surah Al Mukminun Chapter 23 Verse  from verse 1 till ( specifically verse10 - 11 ) 

And among the successful people ( characterized in Verse 1-9 ) they're the inheritors , that will inherit Al- Firdaus ( the highest jannah ) They will abide in therein eternally. 

it basically says that you already in line and you just have to be among the successful people and voila its yours ! take and enjoy it !

make me one of the qualified inheritors insyaAllah. 

January 26, 2017

I'm writing with full confidence that you won't be reading this , but I'm so upset.

You claim that you never left , but why is it ... I'm feeling so distant.

Earlier when someone said , things you've done was hardly tolerated. I smiled. I was perhaps the one who was standing on the most painful position because I encountered the intolerable situation way before the other person did ,  but not wanting to make it hard for you , I keep calm. Stay in silence. Allowing you to explain the situation.

Its really , perhaps not a big deal to you.

I can't claim that I care more because it may not be the case on your side.
I can't claim that I make effort to make the distance seems closer , like before , because it may not be the case on your side. Again.

I love more than I should again. isn't it? 

Dakwah Tarbiyah

And He found you lost and guided [you]

January 25, 2017

Each time when I remove whatever kind of headset I'm wearing ( headphone / earphone ) while I'm doing something ( studying etc while hearing to studying concentration musics , which I've used the same one since alevels in INTEC YEA YOU READ ME PEOPLE , from intec days ) the world become so quiet , and somehow empty. 

And it feels good that way. Am I the weird one here heh? 

The music btw , my brain had automatically recognized the music , whenever I'm hearing to it , I know I'm in a serious ( studying mode ).  There are many of them to be chosen from the never ending lists on youtube , and I've tried many but I prefer this one , here's the link if you're wondering which one I'm hearing to now.  

I don't know whether I ever said it here , I'm someone who don't allow myself to be defeated by ( naturally ) distracting things such as phones and the applications in it. That may be the reason why I don't do the ' uninstall relevant applications - install back later after exam whatsoever ' , because I had that mindset that if I uninstall the twitter , or instagram you name one , I'm (figuratively ) defeated by a mere apps . 

So I'm such a pro of putting away my phone from distracting me , at least within the time I allocated for one session of serious-matter-time ( a.ka studying for now , the most serious thing ever happening in my life at the moment ha ha ha ) 

So as kiasu as I may sound above , I'm currently setting a final-exam mode , if I have a button with a label on it , it will be FINAL-MODE ON ! 

I know that its so messy but I always love the idea of having a messy table , its a sign

that I'm actually studying ha ha ha my bad 

Since year one , I started my final-exam mode somewhere after the spring break. Which is not so wise of me , but managed to survive , while half flying colours results ha ha. But I guess , I have to be different for my final kick. 

Actually I've been planning to start since the start of the term , last year , but I gave myself excuses such as I'm juggling ( enough ) with my tutorials going on. Lame excuses I know. 

But better late than never aite? 

Following the aspirations of the Malaysian prime minister Dato Seri Najib , aicewah , who goes everywhere using 1 Malaysia 1 ( fill in the blank ) , I plan to have 1 Day 1 Past year question ! with at least 1 hour spent for just this session. Impliedly saying tutorials are not included in this 1 Day 1 Past year question . ( had to add another hour at least for quarter of a tutorial ) ( Cry me a river yiruma ) 

see see there !
I figured that my brain cells on revision sides ( not sure the left or the right brain , or whatever cells are connecting ) works best with past years questions. I hardly focuses on going-nowhere kind of textbook readings . At least by doing past year questions , if I happened to open the mega law textbook(S) , it will be somehow guided and focused. I think so . 

In case you're reading through the line , I hope you find your best method of studying , or you can use mine ( I'm pretty sure its not mine but shared by the whole universe haha ) method. 

Pray for me , I'm in need of your prayers , so that this momentum won't go down , at least for another six months to go. Let's do this !

I realized that I miss talking about studying !  it actually reminds me of my A-levels days , 

good old days , sitting at the benches gossiping about K-pop artist I hardly differentiate ( till now ) while eating foods from the night market - till late night overtimes warned by the guard when its curfew. What a memory 😊

I treasured my A-levels days gahhhh ( currently imagining that I'm on a fluffy bed surrounded by rainbows and sparkly unicorn hahah ) ( do you guys played Minions anyway? You know that feeling when you hit a unicorn and you ride it to collect the bananas? that feeling exactly haha ) ( geddit please ) 

Talking about games , I recently played quite a few games in my MiPad at my friend's house while waiting for the dinner to be served ( don't get me wrong , I'm the guest here so they won't give a chance to you to be at the kitchen haha ) , and someone commented 

Najwa , you actually played games? I thought you're that serious type of people ( who're not into games ) 

I am taking that as a compliment. I looked maturer on the outside isn't it 😏

Oh anyway the sponsor emailed us  this morning saying that the allowance for next month ( February till April ) will be credited at the end of next month ( end of February ) , I kinda expect it to happen as I checked the portal earlier. And of course I was taken aback ( for few seconds ) but later I found myself to be at ease with such trials. 

Maybe the thought of Dhuha calms me,  ( Chapter 93 , verse 8 specifically , but might as well be the whole content of the chapter itself ) 

By the morning brightness 
And [by] the night when it covers with darkness 
Your Lord has not taken leave of you, 
[O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you]. 
And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life]. 
And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied. 
Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge? 
And He found you lost and guided [you],  
93:8 And He found you poor and made [you] self-sufficient.  
So as for the orphan, do not oppress [him] 
And as for the petitioner, do not repel [him]

He is the one who hold the affairs and may He make everything I , we have now suffice . I guess this is the magic Dhuha have , the sense of tranquillity its offering , because beneath the chapter is the story of Allah consoling Prophet Muhammad after a suspension of revelation of Quran that cause him to be in grieved and deeply distressed. Its a comforting words that came from the Al Mighty ( nicely written information regarding the surah - here have a read )

Lets do Dhuha everyday too ( reminder for myself * red reminder * ) ,

maybe rezeki yang Allah nak bagi bukan in the form of money / allowance for now ,
mungkin kecukupan pada makanan yang sikit ,
mungkin keberkatan pada wang yang makin lama makin sikit ,
mungkin juga jiran jalan Treherbert bagi makanan free ,

atau mungkin juga makanan free dari Pak Din. Like who knows? ha ha Pak Din mohon baca ni 

Lets husnuzhon  ( both your thoughts and actions , get yourself together ) 

Toughen up Anis Najwa , you can definitely do this ! 

p/s I just watched Age of Youth , which were aired last year , the 12 episodes are so good , not draggy , on point and so many points to be extracted , the values , the reality hits , all in all a 5 star drama I recommend ! ( you can relate everything , later if I'm in the mood , I'll write up about that , no its not a promise haha ) 

Dakwah Tarbiyah

Love , for the sake of Allah :)

January 21, 2017

I think its time to focus on the things you have rather than regretting over things you fail to keep in your life.

We reflected upon Hadith 18 Al Adab in our usrah session yesterday  that speaks about

Love for the sake of Allah and Rasulullah saw

Since I got the task , I asked everyone about their opinion what that supposed to mean. Many may says that they love somebody for the sake of Allah but how it can be exactly measured then . Of course I googled beforehand so I may partially figured my own stand on how to exactly justify that my love for yada yada * to be inserted soon insyaallah * is for the sake of Allah

To them , love for the sake of Allah is

" when you're with someone , you wanted the same best thing to happen to them as if their happiness is your happiness as well "

" Whatever you do with the person , will draw you more towards Him "

And love is not something you simply uttered without showing it. Its never enough with just saying things - moreover for someone who's having 'act of service's as her love language.

Because love ( that draws you further from Him ) ( doesn't add more love to Him ) is a very lust Iove , desired by nafs / sexual desire I may say.

And love for the sake of Rasulullah , one of the way to show your love is that

You follow his footsteps - Dakwah & tarbiyah ,  do all the sunnah ( smile is the easiest ! ) .

One of the touching moment , each time Allah gave me the chance to do tahajud , the very start of the dialogue will always about sending my regards to Nabi Muhammad saw , his family and companions , the people you know through the history , the people I long to see in heaven with His will insyaallah . I know I'm never qualified enough to send my regards to him ( knowing all the sins I did and still do ) , but I'm trying my best to follow their footsteps

And be one of the people Allah mentioned in At- Taubah Chapter 9 Verse 100 . We may not be the Muhajirin , may not be the Ansar , but we definitely can be among the people who followed them with good conduct insyaallah :D

' And the first forerunners [in the faith] among the Muhajireen and the Ansar and those who followed them with good conduct - Allah is pleased with them and they are pleased with Him, and He has prepared for them gardens beneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide forever. That is the great attainment.'
Syahdu weh fikir pasal ayat ni T.T

And by the time I'm writing this , I'm enjoying the peaceful ambience Aberystwyth is offering . Hiked ( hahahah is hiking even a term for it ) Constitution Hill yesterday after many times coming to Aberystwyth ( I'm just very good at giving excuses I know I know ) ( we always had this dream of hiking early in the morning to watch the sunrise , but I swear the sun rises in our dreams ) ( it's so beautiful that we're forced to continue dreaming ) ( and woke up at 10 ha ha ha ha ha ha ) .

We finally did it !

Alhamdulillah :D watched the sunset ⛅ ( they should offer better emoticon urgh )

Just which the favours of the Lord I will deny? The sea breeze is so comforting , cold but comforting. I actually underestimated the weather here ( like always ) ( flip hair )

I should have brought my purple coat instead of the black one. Now I'm regretting my choice ( 😂😂😂 )

But all is good alhamdulillah.

January 19, 2017

Sebenarnya dari pagi tadi nak tulis sesuatu , tapi by the time I sat down in front of the laptop , the gist of the stories flew away , vanished in the thin air. 


I've been loving it so far , the template for the blog. Nice and clean. Just like how I wish it to look like. 

This week is such a drama I tell you

Our boiler was making a very loud sound , its similar to the construction sound , I wonder if the neighbours got really pissed off by the house , not to mention the fire alarm making its first debut in the house today . Just because of a piece of omelette sitting on the frying pan. Barely cooked.

 I AM SZO DONE BURY ME IN MY DUVET. ( alasan untuk bergolek selamanya haha ) 


Poland and things I had in mind.

January 18, 2017

I've been wanting to write for so long , but I am just too lazy to do almost anything. Been lying on the bed , doing everything from the bed (or within the radius of the bed ) when my head kept repeating the verse of Surah Insyirah , Chapter 94 verse 7 

“So when you have finished (with your immediate task), still strive hard, (then toil),"

Basically it says ' When you're finished with something , keep striving for the next thing after that ' I think best to be repeated in Malay , since my brain works best with its first language haha 

Bila selesai satu urusan , tetaplah bekerja keras untuk urusan lain

Well usually this verse strikes like a lightning bolt when I'm in the middle of exam days , where usually I ( or I can say we ) will opt for a day off ( dayS off to be exact ) , well anyway lets just hope I will start with something , perhaps my EU Tutorial. 

e w w w w

So I just came back from Poland , secured myself a clearly seen bruise as if I got into a fight when I was in Warsaw. I walked so fast and was really taken back when I hit the glass door , and obviously my head went a little bit further than my body does , and tadada now I looked like a panda , I never had this eye bags but its seems like I'm having one now , but according to google , the colour of the bruise now is the sign of recovering. I did my research earlier , and it says that I need to go and see the doctor if the bruise is near my eyes ( basically its my eyes , near is not even a word to describe it )


I never registered myself for a GP ( bazir kan manusia ni ) , checked the inner eye myself , my sight is okay alhamdulillah , and all is good , all is good. Pray for my fast recovery insyaAllah , its just not pleasing walking around with this swollen eyes ( but it got into its shape now , just the color ,  a bit odd ) haha 

But Poland was indeed a very good and pleasing trip. I experienced snow , ( many bus rides ) and not to mention ripped off twice by local taxi drivers in Warsaw. The first day is admissible , since its our first time and we don't really know the rate back then , not to mention we're loaded ( loaded enough alhamdulillah since the Poland currency (Polish Zloty ) was almost similar to Malaysian Ringgit ) , 71 pln sounds logic for a nearly midnight ride to our akhawat's house in Warsaw.

I don't know if you're reading this but thank you Syaza and housemates , we never really met each other in real life before I went to Warsaw  , but the warmth you offered on our first night in Poland was something I treasured inside my life. May Allah repay your kindness in any ways you could be repaid. 

but later on our last day , 90 pln for a less than 10 minutes taxi ride in a daylight was just really absurd. To the point , I can only laugh thinking how absurd it was. Can't be bothered anymore. But I guess that's how Allah directly reminds us that when you're blessed with something

( tadi hang cakap hang kaya kannnn , meh Aku coba sikit hang ni ) * insert cobaan * 😏

 you must not be boastful ( even sebenarnya kitaorang cuma boastful sesama sendiri cam buat lawak jaaa haha - between me and Nadilah )

lesson learnt alhamdulillah.

We're literally left with just cents to survive and alhamdulillah there's not much fuss to draw out the money from the ATM ( just looking for the wi-Fi since we need to transfer the money from the saving account to the current account ) 

And I tried skiing ! in the white beautiful Zakopane. Zakopane is so white , snow fell heavily the second day we're in Zakopane. It was a nice torturing experience. I had made a serious vow ( which I kept to myself for now ) due to this torturing skiing. Managed to ski well without falling down , alhamdulillah , which favours of the Lord would I deny then? 

What I loved most about Polska ( another name for Poland ) , is Krakow and the people. They're just so kind. I think unlike in the UK , Poland people haven't really familiarised themselves with people that wears hijab , I think so ( due to the limited access to halal foods , but they have fantastic halal foods restaurant , EFES Kebab - I will forever savour the taste of cheap mouthful kebab of yours )

The people are so helpful , 😻😻 when we were looking around for our accommodation and none of our phones can do the roaming , we had to go with the traditional way which to ask around , some even stops and see what they can do to help , they showed the way , they searched for it online , I can say we're truly blessed during our stay in Krakow. 😄

I remembered our last taxi ride in Krakow , from the hostel to the bus station , the taxi driver shared about people came to Krakow not only for its building , but also for its positivity , ak.a meditation . Krakow was build on a positive energy land which explains why most of the buildings stands strongly and never demolished by the Nazi's unlike in Warsaw , which everything was rebuild again after the war. So they're not that 'old' to begin with. You can really tell through the people , because they're warmer than other people we meet in Zakopane/Warsaw. 

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah for the opportunity to signify the beauty of the white thing that falls off from the sky. And special thanks to my travelling partner - Nadilah Norizam , I know my housemates won't read this , ever haha. For tolerating many sides of me , and redha je dengan apa jua yang berlaku , may Allah repay your patience with a glorious house in jannah insyaAllah. 

And I've been thinking these days , about the measurement of happiness , how cancerous it may be when one can't define or put an indicator to their own happiness. Because when you don't have a personalized measurement , you will definitely take other's life as your indicator , and felt that you're perhaps not happy at all .

Like if we put our happiness on Vivy's life for example ( that's the nearest I could think about , or mostly envied by ) , at my stage of life , looking at a successful beautiful business woman with a handsome husband blessed with two children , I'm definitely lagging in many sense and shall be thrown inside the hole of depression. Her life as portrayed on the social medias ( lets put aside the struggle she went through to be at her position now ) , can be a driving force but really not a measurement of happiness of your life. 

This is not a comforting words for myself to stay stagnant and be at ease in whatever stage I am in , but a safeguard for me to be grateful to Allah for everything I'm blessed with in my life. Because if I failed to build this safeguard , I'll keep questioning why haven't He give me a man like He give to others ? and the lists of questions might takes forever to be answered and pondered upon. 

And I had this thought inside my head , ( another thought ) that I've been ditching so many people inside my life , by not making effort to say hi or establishing any kind of conversation. My bad. My bad. Takpelah , may later I'll just do it without putting much consideration in it. Lets face that awkward moments again and again.

Berapa banyaklah alasan sebenarnya nak bagi dekat diri sendiri Anis Najwa , so that you're comfortable enough to be lying on your comfort zone when you know its just plain wrong to keep ignoring.

I've uploaded plenty of pictures of Instagram , but lets pick two best haha. 

before the torture begins. I wear layers that day , so its quite cozy and hot on the inside while my face and hand is freezing haha. 

this side of me

Affected ke tuuuuu

January 09, 2017

Sejujurnya tak ilmiah langsung kot post ni , not that the earlier posts are ilmiah enough but I must say this one doesn't worth your time reading in case you plan on continuing to read , as this is merely something that came across my mind and I feel like jotting it down , coz you know we woman tend to change our mind ( most of the time ) ( for certain aspects ) ( not all I must clarify ) ( menegakkan basahnya benang haha ) in split seconds. One moment we thought we firmly hold a stand , one second we're in doubt thinking ( about the possibilities ) ( circumstances ) basically we women are that complex hahhh or its just me

Yknow these days when we scrolled the timelines be it facebook or instagram , usually the instagram with all the stories ongoing , I tend to awwww ( or stop the stories from changing when it comes to married couple , #iShip acah dia. Not to mention sometimes when I saw people putting relationship as the main aim in their life , I'll be like 'why you're putting your worth , or why you define your happiness based on relationship ' I'm not into feminism debate but as for now , I'm in no real force , neither do I want to start any relationship , thinking about the size ( first ) , I'm being pessimistic , and at the same time realistic rather than optimistic in this matter ) and the responsibilities tagged along beneath it.

So whenever somebody showed or talked about marriage these days , its just something I am not really into at. It doesn't excites me as it does in the past years.

But as I was scrolling the timeline today , I saw my schoolmates , I guess they're together but never heard about them during school days , #andhere'soneexcitedmakcikwhenitcomestoSelandarcouples hahaaaaa I envied them of course. And started to give thoughts on the matter I ignored.

But as I'm writing this , it kinda neutral back the feelings and I'm feeling okay.

Affected la tapi kejap je. Takpe , sangka yang baik baik pada timeline yang Allah atur.

Nak suruh diri sendiri sabar ( implied saying of tunggu and doing nothing but my usrahmate shared last time yang sabar ni shouldn't be benda yang passive , its a verb with positive act attached to it )

Contoh dia share yang a woman abused by the husband seeks for help from a ustazah then ustazah tu reply ' Hang sabaq naa ' ( Be patient - dalam erti kata lain kau sabar banyak banyak doa suami kau berubah dan *masih dipukul* )  , that sounds so wrong kot , sabar perempuan tu tadi patut disertai dengan usaha report pada polis ke , usaha doa of course. In conclusion dia bukan benda passive. Tu je point dia. Harapnya kau yang baca ni sampai habis tak peninglah aku campur bahasa melayu bahasa inggeris.

Ini bukan masalah MELAYU , ini masalah mentality. Mentality shouldn't be racism. Shouldn't it?

Movie review

It could be harmful...

January 04, 2017

Alhamdulillah I've sent my EU assignment , I was planning to submit it tomorrow , but the more I delay the more anxious I can be ( I may reread it for thousand of times and still in doubt * changing more and more * ) 

So to avoid further complications ( with myself basically ) I've sent it alhamdulillah :) 

Well the reason why I'm writing today is because a very dear friend of mine asked me about an event that happened years ago , I guess it was 3 years ago ( I bet ) recalling when it exactly happened is a real struggle , but indirectly its a good sign though - the fact that I don't really take it seriously , and it slipped by , the fact that I'm treating the particular person involved , now ,  with no prejudice , it means I ( don't exactly forget ) but it doesn't really affect me now , so yeah. 

She asked me what exactly I felt , and just how I can forgive that person for an awful thing that person did  . I just did. In fact that person taught me something , a life lesson , if I look beyond the anger alone. 

And aside from that , I've been thinking about one issue , it had been resolved in the past but it came across my mind today. I always have this (used to be) harmful thoughts in my mind ( not anymore for now alhamdulillah) that  I'm never anyone's preferences neither anyone's first choice  to tell / share / their stories and secret. 😞

It was pretty disturbing when I first had such thought in my mind , because it came with the thoughts that ' Am I not doing good enough ' ( trust me the thoughts that came along were way more harmful than this , this is just for the documentation purposes ) 

It became cancerous when I recalled that I've been telling my stories to people , sometimes putting them first in line of choices , because all these while I've become so dependent . To put a limit to the hazardous feeling , I choose to stop telling people things I used to share with them in the past. And it was never easy, I was in denial for many months , it aches my heart the more I think of it , it aches more when I had to refrain myself from doing something I'm used to do . 

It took me many many many times , countless I may say to finally accept that ' It's okay to be no one's preferences , because at the very first place , its their preferences that we need to respect ' 

And surely things do fall into places , when I realized that being people's preference could be burdensome for me , Allah do fares better fate for me I know , nevertheless I'm making myself ready for anyone to ask anything , or to refer anything . Be other's preferences ( without me realizing it ) when you least expect it. 

This is perhaps one of the reason my curiosity level towards human lessen over the past years. 

Easy equation : 

Because the more I wanted to know , the more painful it can be for me. 
The more I'm hoping, the higher the hopes get and later when they decided not to proceed with their initial plan to tell that something , my hopes crashed and it do shattered my feelings.

I'm that vulnerable , its just sometimes that I'm already used to being crashed ( due to my lack of due diligence ) , I hardly showed them on the outside. But I know , we girls are certainly a pro when it comes to being a poker face. We know it all #girlspower #tottalyspice gitewww .

And when you gets older , you tend to realize that its always YOU , the main reason behind all the pains YOU've been experiencing. Its never HER , or HIM , or anyone. Its just YOU. 

Back to why I'm writing this down , I forgave the person long time ago. 

My mom comforted me by taking the person's side ( she turned the person into a blessing , in fact she turned many bad doers in my life as blessings and tell me , just how I am going to hold grudge to that person )  , she said to take into account of what that person said. It could be the honest comment you can never get from anyone ( Oh I missed her :( I missed my parents , homesick still , approaching 23 soon haaaaa ) 

with them , if you can't see me , its there inside the mirror , during our visit to Buckingham Palace shop hihi 

And I silently agreed upon what she said ( it takes time , it doesn't happen overnight ) , I have so many things ahead me , and if I hold grudges , it harms me more than it will to others. Perhaps the person hardly realizes that what he/she had done were harming others and they let it slip from their mind ( well we can tell that happens when they forgot to ask for forgiveness ) 

But lets just make the world a simpler place to deal with , all the dealings you're currently facing in this world will be taken to the judgement day , and it will be pretty hard for yourself if somebody in mahsyar come looking for you to ask for forgiveness ( it can go vice verse as you can see , it might be hard for you too to look for others for an apology ) , so the point is , learn to forgive people. 

Be that person who makes things simpler. Than it looks. 

Yes , it looks easy to say , even to spell it out seems easy , but I know its really hard to be done in real life. 

[ emo seorang penonton haha session ] 

Just like how I got angered by ( merely acting ) Ashraf Muslim in Biar Aku Jadi Penunggu , when people asked the wife 

Reasons to not forgive the husband :
  • whose being abandoned over 4 years no calls no emails ( since I lived in the UK , I know that ITS NOT THAT COSTLY TO CALL YOUR FAMILY USING THE LAND LINE - now that there's whatssap telegram you name it haha 
  • cheated ( because Ashraf Muslim , I forgot his name in that story haha - married his girlfriend overseas and having a boy over that , divorced later but that's not the point here , the point that he cheated ) ( he even asked the faithful wife to look after that child ) ( don't you understand that the more she looked at that child it pierced her heart ? Don't youuuu ?! 

TO FORGIVE AND ACCEPT THE HUSBAND AFTER WHAT HE DID , I hate it when the families asked her to do so. 

Eyyyy that easy huh? Don't you see I'm ( the wife Janna Nick ) is hurting here ? Eh hello? 

sis emo abaikan hahaha. I know the families did nothing wrong , even the boy , but I can't help it haha 

see drawing the line between forgiving and reflecting it through your action is not that easy man. But surely it is something you can try. Later all the poker faces vanishes through time , you realized that its too tiring to continue being hateful and yeah it hurts even more when its only you who really take things ( the feelings as well ) into account. Like only you care. haha. 

I'm currently dealing with some unforgiven deeds by people whom I can say closely related to me , but I know that eventually I should learn to forgive , I need to forgive  and to never do such things they have done. Because it might be harder to find yourself in a position where you can't forgive yourself ( harmed kuasa 7 ) 

Night :) 

January 01, 2017

Alhamdulillah by the time I'm writing this , its the last day of 2016. Been scrolling instagram this evening , I'm wondering how my 2016 had been going so far. 

Perhaps I'm in my post-homesick days  , my parents sent me off last three days ( since my bus was at 5.50 pm and they board at 7.30 ) , they arrived home on the 29th December. 

I'm currently finishing my EU and hope to keep my resolutions to myself. Lets keep continuing keeping things to yourself and Him. 

Ahlan wasahlan 2017 :)