Saudara, jaga diri.

Is it okay to jot down something love-genre inside here.

I am hearing to Penghujung Cintaku by Pasha & Adelia . Nampak macam tetiba kan? Memang tetiba sangat. Tadi tengok Raikan Cinta. Tetiba rasa nak nangis. Entahlah. Mungkin tak patut fikir benda yang luar jangkaan diri. Mungkin lebih harus berfikir untuk buru syahid dari terus lena dengan dunia. Tapi dengar lagu ni , rasa dia sakit. Sakit nak tunggu. Sakit for past years. Sakit untuk masa akan datang. Sakit untuk fikir . 
Takdelah. Jiran depan ni tadi kahwin , umur dia baya Aimi , 18. Sebelum ni jiran atas bukit tu , 17 dah kahwin. z z z z z z z z

Mungkin belum masa. 
Untuk duduk di sisi someone yang accept both inside and outside. 
Untuk give life-after-life vow of loving each other.
Untuk berfikir benda yang camni. Takpayahlah najwa - tapi ...
Untuk datangnya seseorang yang akan held the hands of the wali . And utter those words , taking the responsibility. 
Untuk orang yang aku percaya akan sooth my life. Yang mampu menenangkan saat marah. Yang mampu marah bersama. Sebab being together is not just to be with masa good times , masa bad times jugak .
Untuk tunggu yang Allah dah tulis di Luh Mahfuz. 

Untuk berada di sisi. Yang kalau jasad dia pergi , tetap setia bersama dalam hati. 



Nangis.

Jaga diri wahai saudara. I've spare my heart for you dear unknown. 

Off cheesy mode. Back to the real life. 

-  Saudari

A L O N E .

Over the course of time, you will learn that many people you thought would always be there will soon disappear. You will be let down time and time again, and eventually discover that the only constant in life is change.
With each passing day, people begin new relationships, while others end old ones. There are relationships that end well, and there are relationships that end poorly, with contrasting emotions leading the way. Some of these relationships will be major turning points in your life; some of them might either completely destroy you, or save you.
Putting trust into a person and giving them your dedication is one of the scariest things in life. Devoting your time and emotions, revealing your most personal qualities and background, and believing that this one person will not betray you or shame you for any of it, is a courageous step to take.
One secret could define your friendship; one mistake could end it all. It takes years to build trust and seconds to break it. The reason forming a relationship with someone and building the foundation for that relationship is so difficult is because once we have been hurt, we will never forget that pain – no matter what.
I have watched many of my own personal relationships come to a halting close. New chapters in my life have been slowly written time and time again. My social circle went from many, to a few that are worthy of my trust and loyalty. It took numerous occasions and difficult realizations for me to learn to accept the things that have happened in my life, and to accept what it is now for what it is.
Accepting who I used to be and the mistakes I made as that person, and not letting those mistakes define who I am today. Forgiving those who hurt me and who affected my life in negative ways. They were all fears to conquer, but I overcame them with perseverance. These were the first steps to my salvation.


The next step was realizing that it is okay to be alone. Growing up, if I did not have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, I was blasting “I’m Just a Kid” by Simple Plan, crying in the dark and cursing off every single person that didn’t ask me to hang out. I’m happy to say that I’ve come a long way since then, and I have learned to appreciate solitude. Sitting in the middle of the ocean on a surf board and just letting the waves take me away, or sitting in a field alone and looking at the stars for long periods of time, are some of my favorites thing to do in the world.
“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” – Oscar Wilde
I have also realized that getting lost in thoughts and in physicality is a beautiful thing. Over the years, I have learned that losing yourself and finding your way back makes the experience that much better. No matter what age you are, when you have a problem, or what that problem is, just go for a walk or drive and get lost. You will have sorted out your mind and troubles by the time you find your way back.
There is no better time than now for you to allow yourself to be happy. It is time to embrace yourself and all that you have to offer. Be alone; give yourself the chance to learn about yourself, expand your soul and allow yourself to grow. Enable each chapter of your life to help you become a better you. Press forward, putting one foot in front of the other, until you are finally so overwhelmingly confident that you can look back, and see that you have climbed mountains.
CREDIT TO : 

Accepting Who You Are And Learning To Love Being Alone Are Essential To A Happy Life

Relation. Expectation. Exception.

Kita mula dengan exception : 

No matter how many times you deny , you're trying to say that you're okay without this one kind of friend ; you know that you've try so hard , I mean like really hard to lie to yourself. No matter how hard you try not to be dependent on humans as they break , by accident or purposely , you let yourself again in that kind of situation which will break you , just because of this one kind of friend.

Because the pain being with is much more bearable compared to not being with. 
Because this one kind of friend contributes more on your happiness meter rather than sadness.


A relation :

Orang kata sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit , inikan pula suami isteri ye dak? Haha now I sound like makcik makcik jual bebola. Nawp. I guess this quote suits well to other type of relationship , bukan hanya tertakluk pada suami-isteri. Dia boleh applied dalam kejiranan , kekawanan. Haha my tatabahasa sounds so wrong. Bahana English * tetiba * , okay serious. No matter how you wanted a space for yourself , no matter how you deeply in love with yourself , there's this one moment yang kita akan seek for someone , to be with , to be together , sebab its a unexplained beauty to be with someone , because you don't see it through your eyes , but you feel it by heart. Its obvious kot , kalau takde benefit of being together , kenapa Allah cipta manusia banyak bangsa banyak agama , kalau tak untuk saling berjumpa dan mengimarahkan dunia kan? 


Berbalik kepada soal lidah siapa yang tergigit , ada masa , in a relation , there must be some kind of ujian , jealousy , ketidak puas hatian , silent awkward moment yang beribu kali , gaduh , accidentally stab someone's back  - accidentally hurt someone's heart - sebab kita dua creature yang berbeza  kan . Because at one time , your personality doesn't fit my expectations, your deeds hurts . Tiada lidah yang tercedera tapi things like this happened. BUT when it comes to the situation where we faced these kind of situation with that one kind of friend , could you stay long being silent , tak outbreak any actions to solved ? Sebab you claimed that the pain being with is much more bearable , because THE PAIN WITHOUT BEING WITH can killed. Serious. But humans and ego make a perfect equations and they have the time in between to settle things down. Or its the matter of how long you can pretend that you're strong without h/her at your side.  

Tapi asyik aku je yang buat step forward ? Where are you? Were you even trying 

How about Expectation?

This can kills inside - whats that again? EXPECTATIONS. Kita hidup dalam dunia yang mengharap . Mengharap dia yang akan make the move, mengharap yang dia akan try. Mengharap yang we'll get something in return.  But at the end , you know all the things you expect , couldn't be a reality. Or hardly be a reality. Someone has to surrender. Or leave the relation just like that. Or let the time heals ? Bukankah manusia itu perlu berusaha?  Kita kena kurang berharap , lagi lagi pada benda yang tak pasti , daripada berharap , bukankah lebih cantik untuk berdoa? Harapan tanpa doa , macam cakap , " Weh aku nak datang rumah kau , nak masak spagethi sesama " lain dengan " Weh aku nak datang rumah kau , nak masak spagethi , InsyaAllah Allah izin " Aicewohh. Ke macam tak masuk sangat sebenarnya ni? Haha. Takdelah , serious , Ya Allah , aku harap yang you let the time heals , because sorry , the ego was too hard to be lessen down. Or Ya Allah , sooth the heart so that the ego would be lessen. Ke taknak jugak? Miahah. Tapi kenkadang , penat jugak kalau asyik kita je make move. Entahlah.

But through relationships , bohong aaa kan takde expectations , at some point we need to learn. To at least meet some small expectations. Macam tak pandai masak kan, a husband must be expecting his wife knows how to cook, tapi we don't know how to cook. As its a rule in love - we're willing to change for someone that we loved . Kita akan jugak belajar masak, meski tak sedap mana, atau meski tak meet the point of husbands taste bud, but we tried. Eh faham tak? Faham laaa kan. 

We expect. But to some limits , kena ada sikit kot ruang untuk exception. 

Its always the value in a relationship that you cherish. Kita assimilate differences. Kita share two different things . We go through things. We spilled out thing. We confront the problems. We crashed overtimes. But overtimes , we love each other. But you know, ada masa aku tak mampu nak confront dengan diri sendiri , aku tak mampu nak cakap aku terasa - sebab aku taktahu a perfect reason , why I should be. Sebab aku rasa all these while I've made such fuss here and there.  So I don't have perfect reasons to say why. Mungkin manusia itu perlu berusaha daripada terus bergantung dengan masa , tapi ada masa , aku penat dah usaha. Putus asa? Tak. Takkan. So , choice left? Usaha. Masa. 

And at the end of the day , aku tak tahu apa sebenarnya tajuk yang sesuai untuk ini. hahaha. Mungkin sebab emotionally writing this , straight from the head without planning, points jumbled up. 

Tapi , 


Its just too early to quit things. Where's the vow?

Do I need a tittle for this?


is it? And if I do . Who would actually give a damn. 


Pujuk diri sendiri. Self proclaiming. I know. I don't know why I would this thing a damn. Why I bother to think. Why I let myself crying for worthless thing. Why I try. Why I expect. 

Look what you have done to yourself. All the worthless tears. Look how you tortured yourself najwa. For people who don't give a damn. Who don't even try. For people who're not willing to change. Who are not willing to understand. Sakit kan? Serve you right girl. Serve you right. 

I need to bare with this. Maybe for a whole life time. 

Its a wrap. Semester ketiga berakhir.

Ohmaaaaaaaaaaaaai. Like seriously , a helpless , meaningless , clueless semester would be the third semester for now. Well I guess the fourth would eventually worse than this . I bet , from the past experiences. I mean, not mine , but the seniors. haha

Tadi ending final sakit kot , ending dengan macro economics , writing and thinking non stop for 2 hours. I thought an addition of 30 minutes compared to micro paper would at least give some differences - mungkin cam boleh lek lekk sat , boleh pusing pusing pandang muka orang , boleh lekangkung satt pergi toilet. But I was wronggggggggggggggg. Haha sakit mata tengok orang dapat pergi toilet. Boleh lentok kepala atas meja. Psycho gila. Haha. But it ends well. Moga apa yang diusahakan diberikan keputusan yang setimpal hendaknya. 

So semalam had a conversation dengan roomate dengan housemate sambil revise econs. And aku realize semester 3 ni tak jejak tempat tempat lagho seperti Sunway. MID yang entah tiga ke empat puluh kali lalu masa naik ktm . KLCC semuaaaaa. And still duit run out cam air .Blergh. Tak kemana pun duit boleh habis. Apa masalah wahai diri sendiri. Haha. JPA shall consider giving more. Kot. Eh tak , syukur. This semester duit banyak pergi buat pasport , bayar tambang teksi balik buat test dekat PJ , ohhh tab sekor. luls. Nampak gayanya nak berjimat semasa semester 3 adalah hangat hangat tahi itik. Like seriously ergh. 

Despite kehidupan meaningless ni semua , semester 3 dikira sebagai one tough fast semester. 

1. Complete UCAS , personal statement , university application - checked with 23 pound flying. 
2. Law National Admission Test ( LNAT ) - checked with 70 pound ++ flying wee wee wee
3. IELTS - checked with no money flying. Haha. 
4. Final Semester 3 - checked. 

And macam tak percaya diri sendiri gagah melalui segala rintangan dan cabaran aicewohh. Haha. So far, London School of Economics rejected me and I guess its because of taking the law - sebab non-preferred subject.  Diri yang jarang direject ,sekali sekala perlu diberi pengajaran sewajarnya. haha. Hikmah. And alhamdulillah , Cardiff University offered a conditional offer to their Law School. Alhamdulillah. Getting one , which lepas requirement JPA , iktiraf by the Bar . So dia kira macam , lega sikit. Sikit. And for the time being , masih sedang berharap agar dipermudahkan urusan untuk application university lain. 

Friends and love. Semester 3 jugak telah membuatkan mata ini alert. At least towards someone and the feelings vanished. I had a good time with my friends surround. Takde nak fikir love live and nak messed hati sendiri dengan all this blurry things. Banyak lagi benda nak kejar. 

Jadi secara kesimpulannya. 

Semester 4 akan lagi hectic. Aku tahu. Hahah macam tak berapa nak tersimpul je :p 

Moga lebih matang hendaknya. 

Oh I miss school.

So everytime when I mentioned about missing that one isolated yet meaningful place, selalu aku cakap aku rindu tempat tu sebab ada batch mates yang seratus enam puluh empat tu but I do realized yang sebenarnya even without the brothers and sisters, STILL I do miss the place. I can say the existence of people surround give and addition colours to it. 

Memandangkan tengah takde modal nak cerita , and memang kepala mood mood lari memory lane je and A-level punya kehidupan hanya sekadar hectic semata . Bangun pagi terkebil kebil cam hape. Pastu mandi . Naik bas . Balik . Hadap laptop. Makan gelak gelak gosip jap. Mintak running man. Tidur. Pehhh cliche. 

Before going even further , I am someone who really into my memories , do really love my school , do really appreciates the days I am there. And still badly wanna go there. Spend another night there. I am too attached ey? So?

Bila ada orang tanya Selandar tu macam mana? Or besar mana? Kat mana eh?

So the words used were , Selandar tenang. Tak besar. Kotak. Sekolah kotak. Asrama kotak. Pusing pusing jumpa orang yang sama. Asrama sekangkang dinosour dengan sekolah. Jauh dari orang ramai. Pepagi macam ala-ala cameron . Wuuuuuuuu ~~~ and every time dapat pergi sekolah, like this year after semester 2 aku selalu *lah jugak * menapak Selandar. From debate training - reunions. And everytime datang , tak boleh cerita aaaa dia punya sayu dengar orang baca ayat quran dekat surau time-time nak maghrib , zikir by the juniors , sayuuuu sangat , sayu yang aku tak rasa masa lima tahun duduk situ. Lima tahun duduk situ , jarang nak rasa seronok pergi surau , sebab surau panas gila gila gila . Tapi bila ada peluang datang balik, hati tu rasa nak jerit dengan semua orang , guys , pleaseeeee appreciate these moments pleasee. Korang takkan jumpa dah tempat ni after this , I mean , its hard. Please appreciate those precious moment being in surau jemaaah sama sama , Subuh gather sesama baca Mathurat . Tak jumpa / jarang jumpa benda tu bila attend college life. Wuaaaaaa.


Ni yang kau kata acah acah cameron tu ? Ini dia? 

Ye anak anak. As experience is the best teacher. Ecewaaaah.


That one morning masa reunion , instead of cuddling dengan machinants sisters dalam bilik rehat , I decided to take a walk dekat padang. Tengok how breezy , how calming Selandar was. Sebab dekat Selandar , nak dengar bunyi kenderaan tu memang jarang , except for HEM yang kejut pepagi pakai hon kereta. Ekekeke. But still, mana nak jugak kan Pegawai Pelajar hon pepagi dekat sini? Mana nak jumpa a dorm with 14 to 16 people , yang balik kelas boleh gegosip jap , plan pakai baju apa sesama , boleh buat turn mandi , turn after iron , jerit dengan kawan ajak makan sesama. Tak jumpaaaa. Kat sini sesiapa jerit panggil kawan tingkat lima , memang wajarrrr kena starlight - oh girl where's you so-called -techno-phone? Y u no use aaa why why?

All those things like gathering pepagi check kuku bagai , sebab nak tengok kuku orang lain, kuku sendiri harus dipotong dahulu. Kat sini, nak potong kuku pun bila perasan nampak kuku sendiri cam hantu. * Itu pun kenkadang selepas seminggu berlalu *  . Tapi berbekalkan ilmu serta tunjuk ajar di bumi bertuah itu , saya terdidik untuk memastikan kuku pendek setiap hari Ahad * wave hands wuuuu * haha. 

Bila tiba hari hari mendesak , I'm pissed to see the magical box that can draw money from it ( the ATM machines ) hahaha , membuatkan diri ini rindu dengan kantin dan dewan makan. Even you'd starve , y'know there's always food supply that you can get without paying ( since dah bayar awal awal ) and you can get food at lower prices and jauhhhh dari anasir anasir barangan yang tidak kurang dari harga RM4. Cry for another thousand years ahead . 

And for more reasons , like my Majlis Tertinggi years , till now I am keen to know who gets the position and kalau ada ain dekat sebelah , condeming on things. Hahah school matters can still be gossips girl. haha but serious , lagi lagi bila gather tiga mahkluk didikan Selandar disini , Ain and Qila. hahha. 

Being here in intec , mingling around dengan budak budak pandai yang majority semua straight A's , knowing the fact that I come from a small tiny new school yang baru nak established, dia rasa macam inferior laaa sikit , but after times , I do realize sebenarnya Selandar lahirkan lots of excellent people . Yang able to be at the stage with others. Past few days before , my roomate said " Tu bukan senior sekolah najwa ke? " One of our batch mate here pinjam / pakai / ambik paper past year abang acap ( the senior in selandar ) and that guy said " Ambik berkat budak 3 A* s " and I was like THREE A STARS? oheeemgehhhhhhh tigaaaa weh a star. Tiga. Die please T.T hahhaha stars for killers alevel subject. Tersedak. Tersedak tiga kali.

So berbekalkan semangat stars tu , saya akan berusaha dengan lebih bersungguh sungguh . Dan sesungguhnya saya merindui dan saya bersyukur ditakdirkan untuk berada disitu , menimba ilmu dan pengalaman , serta menambah range kawan. 

Post scripts : K panjang gila. K ni belum masuk apa yang berlegar dalam kepala. The fingers were too tired doing the essays. Bhahahahha motiff gilaaaa. Tiga je pun essay. Puuuuuu. Yayyy finally got to do the blog post, semalam nak buat , tapi memikirkan ada history esok harinya , ehmmm najwa , simpan dulu perasaan tu. 

I missyaaa Selandar. Sbpi Selandar :')

The thoughts. On past. On future. On things that never a sure.

Haven't wrote something good inside for quite a moment I guess. 

Because reading through people's blog , then I shall consider to categorized myself as a very very lame writer. ( layak ke address diri sendiri as writer - hoookay ) Well I thought this blog will be a place for me to rant good stuff and view things. But end up .... bagi sikit bunyi cengkerik dekat sini. 

WELL I RARELY DO THAT. 

The reason why this blog exist after my previous cheesy lame yet memorable blog is because of The Why The What. Sebab taknak kena question dekat akhirat does my writing benefits dakwah or increase other peoples knowledge. Well no. Again like a very lonely girl , sharing her life details on the blog because she thought or she knew that no one would give a damn on her story. Boooooyah najwa. Haha. 

Eh tak , betul. Serious, aku cerita sebab aku rasa takde orang nak dengar. Pessimis heh. Tak, sebab taknak orang judge. Hmm pesimis kuasa dua. Oleh itu , aku melatih diri sendiri untuk dengar , or at least pretend untuk dengar. Or force myself to be sincere hearing to someone's story because I know how it feels like to have none. Weird human is weird. At my side , I am trying hard to please people. But at the other angle , people would never care and wish that someone should hear to what they're saying. Tenet. 

Ever since aku menapak intec , my view on stuff jadi narrow. Er. Sebab I have this one mindset that other people view it better than I do. Dan sebenarnya itu permainan mind set sahaja. Kot.Just because someone use freaked-out-jargon-luar-petala and I feel insecured. Dan sebenarnya kenapa dengan diri ini? I do realized that my rebuttals would be a challenge to what they're saying tapi aku nak kekal tenang duduk dekat intec. 2 tahun phase nak habis laju laju - graduate foundation dan membawa diri. Mungkin sebab dah penat 4 tahun ke hulu ke hilir , verbal exchange yang suam suam kuku je. So I decided not to get involved with anything here in Shah Alam.  So challenging on someone's saying. Or rebutting stuff inside the social nets is never my preference. Sebab rasa macam empty vessels make the most noise? Ceh. 

....................

Semalam scroll tumblr. The genre of  most tumblr that I followed would be motivation , dakwah and cute pictures. Tenenenent. So talking about motivation and dakwah , masuk lah sekali all those jodohku-jodohmu-ketententuamu. Its been so long dah aku rasa tak sentuh emosi dekat hati , atau mungkin hati telah mati untuk bercakap perihal yang aku rasa luar jangkauan.. Read through benda yang aku selalu jumpa :

Kalau suka dia. Doa dekat Allah . Supaya jagakan dia untuk kita. 

Well. This might be applicable couple years before. Where in every prayer seorang perempuan berumur belasan tahun , mentioning accurate and specific names in du'a. Well now I know I've been wasting my thinking capacity towards an endless kelaut punya feeling. But I guess the prayers turned out so well , sebab aku hari hari doa , if he's not the one , maka jauhkanlah hatinya dan hatiku and make myself redha. Dan redha dah. Sebab I can't see any future to keep that kind of prayer and instead I am focusing on what I have now and what I supposed to do now. 

Sekarang kepala fikir nak kejar cita cita . Route dah ada depan mata. Tinggal usaha je. Despite banyak halangan dan rintangan , ayah selalu pesan " Jangan nanti kita yang menjadi sebab kenapa kita tak fly " Selalu bila aku down cenggini , bila banyak sangat orang cakap pasal sponsorship semua , aku tend to think, kenapa dulu tak stay je UIA. sebab aku basically dah dapat apa yang aku nak for years. To be a law graduates from UIA. Bertahun admire Encik Ahmad Ibrahim , and his name is used for the law faculty in UIA, Aikol. Come to think back , jejakkan kaki di dunia nyata . Allah knows which one is better. 

Kan ujian itu tanda Allah sayang. 
Dan kadar ujian tu kan Allah bagi sesuai dengan kemampuan.  

Mana ada kita akan abaikan orang yang kita sayang dekat tengah jalan. Kan? 

So percaya yang Allah guide us through to the right way. Percaya tu sendiri bukan redha pasrah semedang. Usaha kena laaa ada main saham. Kadang kadang tak perlu untuk pening banyak banyak , sakit untuk fikir benda yang kita tak mampu nak jangkau. Yang kalau kita fikir , tak jumpa jalan keluar. Bila dah macam tu , situlah pengharapan. Tali menguatkan hubungan dengan Tuhan. :)

Btw, setelah sekian lama tidak memperlihatkan muka sendiri di laman sosial*lah sangat . haha.


I want to ride the aeroplane to....... * scroll down * hehe :p ameeeen insyaAllah.


An inspiration. A dream. A wish.