Self babbling ramblings

Just some little updates

September 27, 2016

Still got many traffics for the US , I'm wondering why . It scares me , a bit haha

Got myself a pair of sketchers today , which I never thought of having one. But the shoes I bought last week ( its permissible to get another pair since its 80% off the original price and its considered cheap £12 for a waterproof shoes , and just got a chance to try it ) ( doing some justification here ) biting my foot , and I'm literally tortured all the way from the house to the city. Not giving a long thought of getting a new one ( moreover on the price )  since my foot are in need of a comfy shoes asap.

I went for a weekend retreat last weekend , which we called it daurah. And its a program , more like a training program of becoming a more proactive person of spreading dakwah and basically a platform to make you a better you , because some of the points touched things like how to improve your human - human relationship. Got to acquire some skills isn't it?

lama dah tak main ulat ni haha

I shall start to translate a letter for my sister. Adios.

Self babbling ramblings

Sharing spaces

September 21, 2016

Soon ( officially ) a third year student. Met a guy who promotes internet services yesterday and he asked us whether we're freshers or in our second year and he was so surprised to hear that we're in our final year ( or its just a promoting gimmick ) ( now I'm in doubt ) but that definitely made my day ! 
Arrived ( the freezing ) Cardiff at 3.30 am , waiting for the taxi to arrive for about half an hour with just a layer of clothes bravooooo and alhamdulillah settling fine in the new house. Gahh I always love the vibes new houses had to offer , its like we're having a refresh start with a whole new environment .
meet the space I am talking about her her her 

Anyway , since day one till today , we're receiving like a non-stop visit from people all around , from landlords to postmen , the house painter , people coming to stay a day or two while they're visiting Cardiff and some freshers coming to the house. I might see myself as someone who're not really good at entertaining guest , I had that one problem of sustaining a good relationship , or in guest terms , establishing a continuous service ( talking to serving ) , coupled with internal issue of sharing spaces , its just too sad for myself. Its bad I know and I am trying to fix this. I gradually asked whether they're okay , or perhaps a jug of warm tea will do ( though it doesn't stay warm for long har har ) 

Talking about sharing spaces , I always wondered * usually when I scrolled the social medias and looking at new couples * aside from asking ' How did they know they are ready for marriage ' , a vital question I had to question is ; how they even share spaces. Spaces here is more about private spaces , room and especially the bed. I remembered in my first year , a friend of mine came to the house and wanted to sleep with me , but I eventually slept on the chair because I can't really share my space. Sometimes it gets worser as sometimes I refused to let people to come into the room. 

Later I learnt , this is about trust issue , I guess the disability , or refusing to share spaces is about building high walls that stops people to penetrate in , because by sharing spaces it means that you've put the trust on the person you're sharing it with. Because these are the people who will see the involuntary side of you who perhaps move a lot on bed , kick almost of the soft toys , refused the duvet or even snoring ( can't help haha ) , the sides that you keep it to yourself . I do let some of my close friend to share the bed with me , and when I'm talking about some , its just like 2/3 of them.

Trust is something you build gradually through time , but it seems like I am in no force of building them now in anyone. Perhaps I am used to two years of sleeping alone inside the room , I am all amused to know that some people shared their rooms with a person or two. Because this was not a problem back in Intec since I have a roommate , and I don't exactly ponder about this . 

Thinking about it , in depth , I've talked to people about this matter and most of them encourage me to learn on how to share the space because in the future , God will , I'll encounter a phase of sharing all kind of spaces , physically emotionally spiritually and if its not now , when. 

Yesterday before we recited Yasin together for the house , one of my wish , aside from having sakinah ( peace ) , mawaddah ( love ) and rahmah ( Blessings ) for the house , I hope that I will be at ease , recevining guests since I knew that I am having troubles about it . 

But guess what I'm progressing really well I guess , I started to be lenient when somebody barge into the room , and it needs a thousand self - reminders to feel at ease to let the room to be used by somebody else. You never know how I envied people who whole-heartedly offered their space or even choose to have their space shared because it is something that I am not really excellent at. 

still having trust issues ey 


360' degree

Perhaps its Allah's best tarbiyah

September 15, 2016

I lost my Nokia phone , my second Nokia phone , again. 

Did I told you I have this one purple Nokia phone , my first first-hand hand phone. Though I bought a smarter kind of phone two years back , I still bring the phone to the UK , mainly as a second phone to place my Malaysia simcard and basically its for a perfect escape ( music plus the battery last for like five days ) and recently ( a month ago ) , I lost it and never intend to search for it ( again ) since the simcard inside it was deactivated months ago , still  , it saddens me because its the first phone I had , for like four years and now its gone. 

Long story cut short , I browsed Lazada for a new second phone ( still opting for Nokia because of the battery ) , bought it at a really good price with all the specs I'm looking for and yeah , I lost it again. 


Guess what , this summer , I was such a careless person. I misplaced all important things , my Mi phone , search for it high and low for like 8 hours , misplaced it like for many times , with the silent mode on ( mari gelakkan diri sendiri ) , I misplaced my purse ( with a lot of money inside there ) , it turns out my mom as usual , kept it somewhere and enjoyed my miseries ( you guys should see how good she is with acting ) . I did lost some pounds ( both weight and currency wakaka ) too , and I am not bothered to trace it back 

and each time I lost my stuff , I'll be like

random Kalsom memories

Takpelah , nantilah jumpa 
Takpelah , nanti Allah ganti dengan benda yang lebih baik 

( dan masih menangis di sebalik keredhaan itu )
( apakah itu redha ) ( mungkin untuk meREDhAkan perasaan * read meredakan perasaan haha * ) 

so back to the second Nokia , lost it with a really good RM 3.00 earphone sobs. There's an actual issue for it , which is the UK simcard in it and the MUSICS

The main reason why I searched for the phone is to acquire the simcard , but guess what , things solved since its pretty easy to do sim swapping ( I took one unused sim from Haziqah last week ) . So I don't need the phone anymore ( though I badly want it for the musics ) . Main issue solved. 

Next , the musics , the lovely playlist I put effort it to search and download it ,  I never thought of detaching from musics , since I am not even an avid listener to headbanging musics , neither the new released. But I had this one constant playlist and its one of my way of escaping ( the reality , and its just my way to get swayed away by my emotions alone ) . Its not that listening to music is bad , but knowing how I really want to be a better person , I need to ditch it. This thing had been constantly inside my mind since I heard about a story of a sister , who used to attach herself 24/7 with musics , but the moment when she decided to change herself , she deleted all possible ways for her to get connected to musics.

And , My Mi phone is clean from musics , or any musics apps , simply because of the limited storage. I am that storage kiasu who can't tolerate 2.00 gb left in your phone. 

 Considering my main issue solved , and I experienced the same thing twice , I guess that's Allah's way to tarbiyah me , to detach myself from it. And perhaps by loosing it is Allah's best tarbiyah he offered since I don't see myself doing any physical damage on it , I don't throw a fit when I am angry , I am just an excellent careless person and I just need to teach myself untuk bersangka yang baik baik pada Allah. 

Now , its two days before departing back to my second home. I will miss my loads summer programs and now I am back , kicking the reality. 

Movie review

The hurtful level of generalisation.

September 09, 2016

So I've been wanting to watch movies at the cinema lately ( not that I am a fan , in fact most of the money invested on movies at the cinema will go worthless , it does not tally with my attention deficit level ) , so I enjoyed scrolling lists of movies available and been reading reviews. Speaking of the lists , the movies that considered at the 'consideration level' are Train To Busan , Alif dalam 7 Dimensi and Pekak. ( actually I chose Train To Busan , initially wanted to watch it last Thursday , but I am just too lazy to drive ) 

So yesterday I saw a post that reviewed Pekak and I must say it clearly says NO to anyone who opting to watch it since most of the element portrayed revolved around social problems that is happening around us , and the tittle was deemed to be misleading since the commentor thought it will highlight the 'deaf'part. However the reviewer did not finished watching it because she can't take it anymore , so thinking that it will not do the justice on the movie as a whole , I am curious to read more reviews on the story itself ( and perhaps wanting to watch it myself , to see how ). 

* * *

( what's inside my mind ) ( its my mind debating here ) But that's the thing , why would I watch something that had been negatively reviewed , said to be not worth it , and perhaps will harm your in some ways. I took the comparison of taking drugs , I said that I can't comment on something that I haven't tried it myself , or a situation that I never stand in but I already know the side effects of taking drugs , hence why should I try to watch this movie? ( but later I thought that drugs are just too much to be compared with , since in involves more scientific evidence , plus the effect are widely known in a larger scale )

I decided to wait for more reviews. Instead of watching it haha.

* * * 

But guess what after two paragraphs , I am not even trying to do justice on the PEKAK movie but I am going to highlight the comments on the review itself . I came across many of this phrase for almost 300 comments ;

' Sume cite melayu sampah '
( All malay movies are rubbish

And that makes me realised , what's hurtful is actually the level of generalisation made on certain issues. Just like how all malay movies are labelled rubbish due to the existence of PEKAK and many of other malay movies that were considered rubbish. This is not doing justice to ALL Malay movies. I can't deny that there are lots of malay movies fails to  reach certain standards set by other international movies ( well at least catered the good values ) , even I cursed to one of the malay movie I watched back in 2012 because its just too ridiculous and I can't take it ( and it was 2012 , me in 2012 , most of the time make direct judgement without even thinking ) 

I don't know about you but most of the time I opt for Malay movies , when I'm in the UK scrolling what movies should I watch to be my dinner company . I enjoyed watching malay drama's though most of it are considered not relevant to the society.Being 'considered as not relevant' is one of the result to the level of generalistion , where it creates a sceptic society. So whenever they hear things like 'Malay drama' 'malay dramas' , they'll will have certain jargons inside their mind , and says no to it. 

Reality check , the insensitivity still going on in most Malay dramas and movies. I guess this was largely affected by the norm and practice of the society. Its so different on how people react to a hug scene in Malay dramas/movie and a hug scene in an international dramas/movies , because we know hugging is just not accepted between opposite gender , so I guess this is one big good challenge to directors and producers in Malaysia , which to portray the feelings of a certain scene without the need of physical touch. Its hard but I am sure it is possible . 

even writing this down is very hard since I'm blended inside the society , where I am used to the same level of generalisation. 

Speaking of it , its just the same for phrases like 

' Orang gemuk malas - bodoh -mulut celupar '

( just because you met countless of the same species with same characteristics , its not ALL . Because me myself is standing in this shoes for now ( doakan for future please insyaAllah ) , its hurtful for me who tries really hard to speak good things , who gives my all to my studies , even spending hours at the swimming pool and exercising ). Sometimes I know some of you is trying to reverse the psychology , whether its me being sensitive , or its you being too harsh with your words. 

 ' orang kurus gila ambik dadah ' 

( there's this one case where a drug addict killed a family of three last month in Melaka , the suspect is quite big in size , bigger than a ' drug addict usual size' , so people goes ' aku ingat penagih ni semua kurus ( I thought all drug addicts are thin ) , 

I suggest that there are many choices of words available to limit the level of generalisation ; 

it can either be ' one of the malay movies ' ' most of these kind of people ' ( most sounds generalizing but it limits the level of it , saying not all but most . It can also be either [ half , some , 'mentioning specific thing' ] . This may include jargons of critiques , instead of the usage of word 'rubbish' twist it into a motivation ' need lots of improvement' , sometimes its hard to replace the words because of the need of impact for the producers/directors to realise how bad the movie can be  , but at least counter the harsh comments with something that can change to status quo ( some points that can be taken into account ). 

We need to learn how to suspend our level of generalisation especially when it comes to sensitive issues. Because by saying things like ' ALL malay movies are rubbish ' is simply too harsh for producers who produced really good movies ( even if you say things like : eh aku tak maksudkan movie sekian sekian pun , movie tu bagus , but you just used ALL there )  . Because nonetheless , the directors , the sets of actors , the people who's directly or indirectly involved with the production , is someone's father , someone's son , someone's , at least consider the harshness of your words , how it will affect them ( because I used to be the reckless person in the past , speak what my heart desire , not thinking how my writing affect people emotionally ) .

Even if they are not someone , not even someone you need to bother , they invested their time and energy to the production , at perhaps due to those reasons they failed to notice the side effect / impact of story they're making , so be wise , give comment / suggestions that may lift them up , give remarks on the cinematography , or perhaps some good values in it , just because there's a majority of bad things , that simply means , there's no good moral about it . Perhaps to you it sounds too absurd if I said they failed to notice ( the bad side / impact of the story ) , so here and now is the time for you reviewers to make them notice ( try in the most subtle way you can)  , your existence are valuable you know it. 

though I sometimes forgot , what colour is the house since it changed last few years from orange to grey. With annoying Olen behind the laptop , I will miss this view. A week left before departing back to Cardiff :') 

Lets be less sceptic ! Perhaps kinder with your words and actions as well ! Lets be that uplifting society ! 

Self reflection

Lets ponder why and why.

September 07, 2016

Aku rasa aku dah kena mula menulis semula dalam bahasa Melayu kerana aneh sekali hari ini sahaja ada beratus view dari Amerika Syarikat , dan nyata aku cuma beberapa kali sahaja menyebut perkataan United States , which nak bagitahu ge'ef aku dua orang belajar dekat sana tu je hahah . And most of the posts viewed are in Malay language , you creepy people stop viewing my blog ( like how Russian viewed my blog last month , I don't speak Russian guys , even a direct translate will make my writing sounds really funny and I don't even intend of sharing anything for the whole world to take note 

* dah tu kenapa kau tak private je blog kau ? * eh suka aku lah haha
* still writing in English . I just need to polish 'em sorrayh not sorry

Facebook certainly a pro to flatter people , even if you're not as what they described you as , you are very incline to just accept it harhar. And goes 

' Awwww really ' 

So yesterday I bugged people to join the thing that had been inside my mind for like 10 hours , it was an easy problem statement 

Fitrah ialah sesuatu perkara yang sejahtera dengan hati. 

Fitrah according to the discussion yesterday is something that never change. Like fitrah attracted to opposite gender , fitrah in short can be defined as something which supposed to belong to a person. Like fitrah seorang perempuan tu dia prone kepada benda benda yang cantik ( like choosing a laptop based on its colour rather than the specs haha ) ( contoh kasar ) . 

So considering it's something that( supposedly )  feels really close to your heart , going back to it ( fitrah ) should be easing for you. However I came across a status of a person , that says , 

Dia sangat penat berbalik kepada fitrah , 

considering the facts , you might understand why its tiring, so we debated about it ( because I was keen to understand the matter with psychology element in it , guided with what religion said ) and we met an endless point * we were swayed away by the definition of fitrah  

and Kak Aisyah's answer ( insyaAllah my future murabbi )  mesmerised me , 

She said , 

Fitrah never change , it stays the same  ( all of us agreed on this )  . But what changes is the condition of our heart. She shared with us Hadith 27 ( from Hadis 44 Imam Nawawi ) that mentioned ; sin is something that tickles our heart , like how each time we're doing something bad , and the heart feels uneasy about it. And the more sin you do , it adds more black dots to it ( not literally but figuratively , titik hitam gituuuu ) and that's what makes it harder for us to get back to the fitrah. So to be able to get back to what you supposed to feel / practice is to cleanse your heart , get rid of the black dots.


By reading , reading Quran , mingle with good people , seek for the surrounding that helps you to grow up healthily ( emotionally ) , and many more . 

So we accepted that fitrah is something that supposed to feel so close to you . but due to the circumstances mentioned above , that's what makes it hard , and tiring for you to go back to where you supposed to stay. 

And my mind was rest assured with a very easing answer. 

* * * 

That was one. 

Next was about a video that went viral , about a kid beating up other kid , its horrible I swear. And most people tagged Polis Diraja Malaysia to take action on the bully. But later I found someone came up with the flip side of the coin. It turns out that the bully was verbally abused as he lost his father and being mocked as an orphan. I was not even trying to justify the violence he did but to understand why he's acting such way. 

Because to me , we're talking about kids here , most kids are innocent enough about their behaviour , I don't say all but most. Innocent here means , they most probably have one direct transparent reason why they are behaving in such ways. Unlike us adults , when we're behaving badly , it may be caused by our past , our ego , silent motives , in other words , we're perhaps a pro in twisting our stories why we behaved in certain ways , but that rarely applies on kids. Like how paedophile cases where  kids behaving in certain ways to show that they're molested. 

Some might says , no matter what the reason is , its just too much. This is where education plays an important role. Some kids are mature enough to be able to control their emotions but some are just less lucky than the others , he might not be told / exposed / showed by anyone on how to control his anger , and it might be that he's been holding back for quite some time and that's the only time he burst out his anger. 

and this had indirectly gave a big lesson to most of the adults who shared and commented negatively on the video , which to educate the alpha generation , perhaps the Zee and the Y gen too , to not make fun of the others , as bullying  does not only caters physical contact , but also verbally. I saw earlier when someone make fun of other woman just because she exceeded a sum of possibilities. Whatever motives she had in her mind , its just so wrong to make it viral that way , perhaps she was too eager about teaching math which it can be good , but not that way , I don't favour it to happen that way. 
And I hope that she asked for forgiveness for what she had done. And there's even people who said 

'Weh benda kecik ni pun nak sentap , chill lah.' 

Yes , it might be small in your eyes - perhaps invisible to your eyes , you never know how big it can be to her. You were right that people need to tough up , not to take things on social medias seriously , but for some , its very hard for them to draw the distinction line between what's serious and what's not.

I used to be verbally abused and I bet most of the person who did that ( which still I can picture them clearly inside my mind ) might said they were just playing , why take things seriously? For them , it does not even something to care about , when it was the cause of my tears and it hold a big space inside my head thinking how can I escape this torturing surrounding. 

And sometimes you just need to respect people and that's it. I reflected once in the past , where someone I knew were emotionally affected because somebody forgot her birth date. It might not be an issue for people who don't really care , but it can be an issue for someone else , and you just need to respect it ( and yeah , take notes on the little details about the person )

Because , no matter what , this whats makes the world works , better. If somebody care less , somebody else care more. Some can be easy going , some can be sensitive. And there's nothing wrong about being who you are. We just need to embrace the diversities of characters exist around us. Not to simply condemn on it. 

I remembered a session with Teach for Malaysia ( TFM )  during  Kalsom and Small Changes ( I forgot the term ) but its about how your mind perceive something to happen in certain ways but there's no right or wrong about it. Like some families are very havoc while they're eating , and some families prefer a calm and organised table while they're eating , there are nothing wrong neither guideline on how it supposed to happened , its just us , there's a need of assimilating the differences. 

And most of the things I said here are easier said than done but I just had to create some awareness and I need to remind myself too . Because we're humans and we make mistakes.