back in tracing track

I had two drafted post kept in the list, I can't seems to continue writing. Usually this phase will come when I'm stressed out with something - but it seems like I'm coping well with life. 

Things started to fall into places, I am enjoying my working life ( you do? yes I do ) , able to stay energetic throughout class after work , classes on weekend? No problem, I love how I am not lazying around over weekend , its just so funny how I developed the nerdy side of me ( I am always that nerd heh ) , I found myself waking up early and make my way to the college's library. Maybe because I don't find its convenient enough to study at home - its not that conducive as my room used to be in the past. 


I am currently in a phase of recovering the old me - the Anis back in last June and July. The one who have massive of reason and high will to wake up before the dawn to talk to Him about those days. 

To be honest , those days I spent at home , or away to the city with no real commitments, but I find many many reasons and stories to tell Him. Sometimes its not about mere luck , you're awake before the subuh prayers to talk to Him, sometimes its driven by your determination and will. To make yourself heard and felt special to Him. 

And later I found myself lost in the escalating changing pace.

No more night talks, no more waking up in the middle of the nights. At the times where I was supposed to let my heart out - at times when there's just so many things to take and at times where I am literally at one of my weakest point. 

I couldn't really figured why I felt so lonely when there's just so many around me, I started to feel so numb with my heart, not able to distinguish what is right what is wrong. And it saddens me that I don't feel guilty over the things I did. It won't be big for some, but to think now, what I did was just unacceptable - and for as long Allah keeps my aib, I'll keep it to myself as well. 

You know that feeling of you're being so attached and looked forward to read the pages of Quran everyday then suddenly you don't feel like reading it. And you have lists of contemplation inside your mind - you're tired hence its permissible when it shouldn't be the excuse. 

And its sad. Really sad. 

And I know I need to make a step, to get myself out from these miseries. I gave up on my after shower sleep to get back into the deen track. After one whole day long submitting yourself for various world commitments - I should find a time , I should make a specific time for the One who gave me the constant strength to get through the day. 

Futur ( swept away in this world ) level KLCC dah ni, ke Burj Khalifa :( 

Now that I am back in the journey of tracing the old Anis, I hope I won't be among those Allah bless them with good things in life but eventually straying away from the deen line. 

Be among the grateful, whom Allah bless with so many things - even to the tinies raindrop on your clothes. 



Its raining outside, lets make the prayers :) 

Love, the'ann

Your lawyer to be ( with legal fees attached haha )

I HAD SUCH A BUSY DAY TODAY, I was wondering why, I figured why - its because my lawyer is in office since morning and the amount of workloads are just massive. I no longer can sit back and relax ( like the first day ) studying all the alien technical terms . Usually she'll be in at noon. But good for me though, I sense the urge of getting my job done fast and precise. 

I am doing all the files, ( well serious business ) , making letters preparing documents, and attending clients. I used to freaked out when it comes to calls, but thanks to the 2 days of experience from the previous company , I kinda get used to that nervous feeling. Because its serious business, hence the pressure is just higher - and there's a need for you to know what exactly you're talking about.

My lawyer had a legitimate expectation that I would be able to learn and act like a lawyer ( because that's what I've been doing now ey ) , so I need to keep up with the expectation and jot down all the little details , plus with the pace. No joke its serious fast, but so far I am enjoying every bits of it. 

I've done my work for the week - perhaps scheduling some clients meeting for next week and seek for this one missing FILE OHMAIGADS mana dia hilang, its driving me partially crazy - because I was supposed to finish this kind of file today, at least that's the KPI I put for myself. And its weekend anyway, I don't want to think about who is this client and what sorts of things I need to do yada yada. So its all good for now alhamdulillah

I got excited ( yeay ) when I was meeting my boss and drafting the letters for the client, when she asked me to put into the lines, me , Cik Anis Najwa hewhew as the legal assistant ( I swear to you I was riding a unicorn with colourful horn and jumping over rainbows collecting bananas haha ) . Its one the acknowledgement , one side is the pressure. 

Well for the past few days I learnt that being in legal field , dealing with all sorts of human problems with all the technicalities - angry people with their unsettled business, one thing you got to learn is to be attentive. Its not just about whats on the paper - and people always deemed we law people are so rigid and serious. 

But really, attentive is the key. Its when you're able to place yourself in a position where you're ready to hear to someone's whatever things they had in mind and they just got nowhere to go. Sometimes they will tell us all those non relevant things but what to do, its the attentive service we're offering them.

Well there's just more to learn and I am making myself ready for it - I talked to my friend yesterday , basically a very good reminder to myself as well, 

One of the early keys to seek for happiness while working ( as I discovered for the past two weeks of being empolyed in two different companies ha-ha)  is to put or create the thirst in your mind - the side that wants to learn more/something, not just sticking with the mindset that we're working, submitting our effort for somebody or the company. 

Because it drains you a lot, as human doesn't like submission, not as much as they like gaining something for themselves. Hence I learnt from my own wise reminder ( HA HA HA ) and create that thirst of knowledge ( i sound kiasu ey ) 

Till then, lets get ready for class !

Love, the'ann

White black and grey

I find the blog as a very special place since it signifies me changing major phases in life, maybe not so many recorded inside here for pre-2012 which most of the posts in the earlier blog were clearly immature. 

But the fact that I can see myself growing up and its being recorded, somebody got to pat her own shoulders. You did well girl.

So I'm living my own dream and passion for now, well its not that I am so sure I am walking on the right track but I know, I am currently building the foundation of my dream based on my interest. I worked ( yeeeah you're reading it right, I'm now in my working phase yeay nayyy #definitelyhavesleepdebtstopay while doing my CLP. 

Well I attended a three days training and employed for 2 days before I firmly decided to leave the company. I notified my manager earlier that I have an upcoming interview in a law firm and the chances for me to quickly change my job is just so so so high.

I tried telling myself that its okay to venture into something different and perhaps its where I can discover my true calling, like maybe law wasn't for me ( like who knows ey ) But nayy I ventured into something that's not even my interest - not really a profit driven at the moment, and freaked out with calls - I mean research could be my jammed but calls erm no sorry

And now I'm currently working at an office and having my own partition lol - office ey? with hope I can keep this place tidy, longer than it should be haha. 

colour coordination went wrong haha
and yesterday I made up my mind - I can't forever stay in the phase where I seemed to allow those 'not okay' stuff in my life, I'm afraid that someday I am unable to tell what is right and what is wrong. Doing too much of sinful things could numb the sensible receptor. I am leading myself to a grey path which I know its clearly wrong - and I need to put a halt to it.

I need to retain the ability to to tell what is the white - what stands in the black side, and there's no grey shady area to it. 

I'm not allowing myself to sell my worth lower than it should be. I've turned into someone I dislike. I'm struggling here, but I know that Allah certainly making me gather my consciousness , tested me with an overdue sickness, that I will have multiple even tons of reasons to get back to Him. The fact that He made me think and reflect over things I have done in the past few weeks, I'm taking it as a good sign , while the sign is clear and visible , I should not waste it. 

and actually to make an active steps to cure the heart, to mend what need to be mended. 

I need more of these self reflection in the future - I need more physical sorting rather than queuing them up inside the mind and vanished through the thin air.  

Watched Azlin's video this morning about how frequent you talked to Allah outside your five daily prayers. Almost a no. And I'm trying to make it as a habit from now on rather than humming the songs. 

what a good insight to start the day. Alhamdulillah 

 Love, the'ann

suddenly September is ending already...

Unlike August where I wrote down most of the details about the life I've been going through, I barely put into records how my life is treating me in September. Perhaps even lesser in the future, since I don't have a WiFi connection in KL, and basically no time to open my laptop leuls 

I don't even get myself any proper pictures aside from post workout selfies hahahahahhahah not even places I went to, I keep my phone inside the beg most of the times for safety purposes - and also to make myself read moreeeeee ( I bought books for commuting purposes already , not too bulky haha to fit inside the bag ) 

One thing for sure I've been occupied with so many things , classes and interviews, and travelling back and forth from Kuala Lumpur to Melaka. There's always massive of reasons to be home especially when there's no class, and since I'm not professionally attached to any companies , I got to enjoy bits and pieces of this leisure time. 

Certificate of Legal Practice. 

Well to be honest initially I was in clear denial. I'm basically not ready for another year of revisions and tons of cases to be memorized. Plus I need to restart a pressuring life in Kuala Lumpur. 

But the first class, the law of evidence class kinda make me reset my mind and intention. It was quite funny and odd to say that you enjoyed your law classes, but I certainly do now. And all these while people saying CLP is hard, I am accepting that it is hard but I am not going to let that mindset harmed me and thus making me underestimate my own ability 

The classes are fun, I am not sure how I am going to juggle working and studying later, like would my energy level be affected, but for now I'm hoping that I will stay energized for classes. Yesterday Mariette my evidence lecturer was talking about Professor Ahmad Ibrahim, the one whom I looked up to in my legal pathways , it kinda make me so excited and I was practically so happy when she made a little trivia about my idol. 

Like how his academic views are being used in judgement , and it was about the standard of proof in criminal cases should just be beyond reasonable doubt. And the confusing languages used by previous judges ( I remembered how flowery the judgement was in Idris ) , doesn't set the standard higher - for circumstantial evidence cases , but a mere play of words . Affirmed by Tun Suffian in Jayaraman ? some need to do her revision. I even wanting to get a buku latihan sekolah for case wise memories. 

So I sounded law'ish isn't it haha , well indeed, its been running inside my blood for like 5 years now? I am not legally blonde, obviously not a blonde haha. Legally asian? haha

Interviews 

I went to two consecutive interviews for the Executive position, specifically an executive for the Business Development - the first day with the manager in charge, the next day was with the CEO. Had to do a pitching after the first interview before the second interview could take place. 

The first one was quite easy and simple. To be honest there's no clear guidelines on how to ace an interview, aside from the manners and the expressions you're offering throughout the session. You just need to be true to yourself and honest about whatever things they asked. And if you don't know, then say you don't know. Its okay that way I guess? 

But the second one is seriously no joke. Its not that I asserted it as jokes but it was seriously so nerve-wrecking. The questions are tough ( beyond what I've prepared for ) . Well here goes the questions ,

What if one day I put you to work in front of me, how are you going to handle the pressure. 
/ I just need to face it / 

Tell me what you do in the UK ? Easy peasy unless you have memories issues going on but not the next question. I told him about all the travelling and going here and there - because I applied for a conference producer position earlier in the same company and I guess I mentioned it in the earlier post, the job-scope requires you to travel around for conferences as well. 

Next question

You've been out and about all these while, how will it be to stay in the walls ( because this executive position is a work done indoor ) 
/ I have already expect such working environment , I will try my best to adjust myself /

Now the next question 

Okay that's you adjusting, how about for the company - how it will benefit/ help the company 
* I took a deep breath * * Just how I am going to answer this* 

and he made a comment on that ' I saw that you're taking a deep breath ' 

oh yeah sure you notice that. I repeated the same answer as above and caught dumbfounded I surrendered and maintained that smile haha

and the interview ended, he has no more questions to ask, neither the manager, oh the manager was with me all the time - mind that the CEO is an Australian I guess based on his accent, and I had a trouble time catching what he said exactly. I was subtly cursing myself ' What happened to your hearing abilities in the UK catching the accents ' throughout the session , and tried to maintain the eye contact so I don't look like I'm lost when I'm actually loss in my thoughts ha ha ha 

I guess the last question kinda secured me for the training this upcoming Monday - its after the 3rd day and they will have the assessment day to see whether you'll be hired on probation or not ( for another 2 months ) 

the CEO asked me whether I had a question

Honestly no I don't but I was pausing for a 30 second and I saw the career path paper on the table, there's this sudden idea, not really sudden actually since I've been thinking about it the day earlier. 

I asked him about the possibility of career advancement ( like can I make a shortcut to reach the junior executive level in a shorter period of time ) ( if I hit the target mentioned during my probation period ) if you wish to know the details of my question , hit me up on the email or whatever medium you can reach me. 

and that questioned impressed the CEO as he mentioned couple of times that he really love that thinking of mine - the mindset I had in mind. 

Hence I am starting my training next week for three days. and and and I'm actually thinking to take a half day off on Friday ( if I got hired lol ) because I'm scheduling an interview at a law firm 

The lecturers advice us to do an attachment at law firms so we will get better understanding about the things we learned in CLP, because its literally what it means, what you will be doing later in PRACTICE, like drafting claims and whatnot. so I am giving a serious thoughts on this matter , and whether its appropriate to take a half day off on your second day of getting hired - well its not certain yet that you're going to be hired lol - but lets just hope for the best. 

I've emailed the manager but no reply. Usually he's so responsive. Hmm I'm currently overthinking already - but I need to consult him on the matter isn't it , because he did knew that I'm currently looking for a legal kind of job. Or am I being too honest - helpppppp

damage done. Lets just wait for Monday to come. 
/at times like this I certainly dislike public holidays/ /I'm contradicting myself, I love holidays/ /or else I will not be home today

As for now I am keeping the companies name as secret - since its all still vague and not confirmed yet, but please do send me prayers if you reached this line, yes you, you who's reading. 

Pray for me that I'm later left with only one choice to embrace so I won't need to decide on things. Or with whatever choices I am making later will benefit the ummah as how it will benefits me.

On the other hand, I screwed one other interview and that was clearly due to my obvious lacking in preparation har har har I'm just so bad at it - hur 

Moving on 

I'm all good with this moving on thingy. It gets easier , I still do check on the person some times, to see the last seen basically haha - but it gets lesser these days and I am forever thankful for that. We did desired for each other but we both knew it won't work. We did actually tried to make it work, but I guess more than a half of me , and half of his side too , knew it won't work plus the distance. 

You know that sometimes the person is good. Fit to all the categories , but sometimes you just need to accept that you're not meant to be together. Well that's okay. Because I'm definitely happier now, less attached, things take time, so do I heh. 

enough said. too much of emotions updates. haha 


Love, the'ann

Septemblergh

You know when it comes to the tittles, I kinda envied my brain like its mine but sometimes the creative parts come from nowhere - how can you be fancy at times like this haha hope this is making some sense, at least. 

Blergh here sounds cute, if you ever watched Hotel Translyvania , this will come with Sir Dracula impression of saying ' yo I don't say blergh blergh blergh' God guys please watch this for the sake of imagining how the tittle sound. 

So here I am still in MELAKA weh I was literally so over the moon for being able to come back home again, left home on Friday , went to a career fair, carefully dropped eight CV's since I printed only eight of them , I guess there's additional two I put it somewhere in the file for filing purpose ( need to print more and save one copy in case ) 

Went to my mum's friend house earlier, her Umrah friend, she's just so good at making friends, and I will be forever grateful that I have that partial traits. Ngueh ngueh. 

they said the best meet is the unplanned one, I guess haha. And my dad is smiling brightly, hence I need to put it here :p

yeah I rejected my first work offer - I don't understand myself really. I went to the interview twice, after each interview I was like nayhhh they won't call me for the second time, they turned don my negative thoughts and called me late evening when I was meeting my GE'EF. 

Had a serious working conversation in the Uber ride because I was negotiating about the working hours since I have classes to juggle with. 

They said it can be discussed and I went to the second interview, after I had a long tiring day walking around KL Central trying to figure whereabouts of Plaza Central for a conference producer interview. I can say that it is my thing, educational professional and networking with CEO's with all the travelings. 

But I have CLP ahead me and I can say for that like 45 minutes interview most of them is about how I am going to do CLP and this work. 

Of course the answer to that is I don't know, I need to try. My life is so uncertain and I am accepting it, like how can I offer you a very certain convincing ideas sir. 

They called for second time but one question they asked, the work requires me to travel around, will I be okay with that? 

THAT'S MA THING OF COURSE I'LL BE OKAY MY MUM SAID I NEVER STAYED HOME FOR THE PAST ONE MONTH but I said, if its not too much, I am okay ( because realistically I have CLP ahead me) and I invested quite a lot of money in that. So as Malay quote says 

Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang di kendong berciciran? 

I tell myself that maybe after one year I might consider applying the same position if they offered one, tempting isn't it. I got rejected of course but that's for the best. 

And I've put my stuff in my new home in Kuala Lumpur, and will be going back on Wednesday I guess since my class starts at 6. Facing the reality and I don't mind commuting from Melaka to Kuala Lumpur, got to enjoy the chilling time before turning into a complete adult. 

blergh, sometimes being an adult seems fun because you're taking control of your own life and fancy all the responsibilities but part of me dislikes it. 

Someone used to say to me that soon I'll mature ( cehhhh saying I'm not matured la tu ) through these phase. 

RESOLVED FOR GOOD. 

And on the side note, I confronted my mushy feelings with the person who caused it. I thought initially I'll opt for an unrequited love which sounds E W W W W W but its not me. 

To me its a waste of time, feelings and energy - I hate being in that draggy phase. But no offence I have my respect for those who does. ( hats off ) 

So I tell the person all the things I had in mind and I am thankful that he's cooperating . He made me think and as I expected , I am able to move on faster, healing better than dealing it alone, and for now I am trying to go back to my old self. 

I went brutally honest, ignored the butterflies feeling, I guess I am just that blunt when it comes to this not so important thing but occupying my head like there's no tomorrow. 

Rasa macam girls power sangat sebab able to talk about matters like this, because I know girls tend to keep it to themselves and have massive of doubts and expectations, like a mere view in an instagram stories from the person they're expecting to view it - means hell lots of things that can cause different species of butterflies flying inside the stomach, can make butterflies zoo also.

when in reality they viewed to kill time, or its just there, changing stories - sometimes they don't even bother unmuting the sounds. Blergh.

I hate to be in that blergh phase.

Gurlllll , you need to be realistic and just don't overthink.

Confront while you can. And resolve it fast. You have tons of things to be achieved ahead you, be it careers, travelings , owning properties, giving back to your parents while they are still alive. Don't settle for less, or put marriage as the only goal. I mean you're lucky if you already found your another half, but for those who don't , seriously muster up and brace the world !

ceh said someone who had troubles dealing with her own emotions 🙊

I am taking control haha 💃

Love, the'ann