walking away

Because I'm used to the idea of someone ie opposite gender never really stays, I deemed the same for the man I'm 'seeing' now , not really to say 'see' in that lovey dovey way because it seems complicated now, well to the very least I deduced so 

That he would never want to stay and will walk away just like any other person 

when he did *at the very least* (me and my pessimistic side) stayed for quite some time - and actually do stay and calmly embracing the very complicated side of mine

* sigh *

But my mind seems to keep saying ' Walk away while you can' 'walk away while I can'

while the feelings are not intertwined, while I'm less fragile, while I can still tolerate the pain - while the business are not so serious between these two creatures. 

and now I can really feel that that he's walking away - though it tears my heart, that's what I've been silently subtly wishing for. Just like any other people. 

do I?

Now, after making myself comfortable without you - with the mixed signals, 

i'm now literally so tired to solve your riddles. 

I am very prepared to give up for real , because no matter how much articles I've been reading - that one relation moreover a distance one need efforts , I'm feeling weary , tbh I don't know whether I'm giving my all or not 

but no. 

I am just too tired... 

this is very easy for you to handle Anis, very easy. 

The weird-complicated woman , the'ann

Najwa and her stories , that she never remembers

I don't have better tittles guys , my head is currently filled with all law jargons - lacuna - dangerous drus act - adverse inference - caveats ugh 

I am just so blessed to have my mom in this world, wishing that someday I will inherit many many many of her good traits, and I wish nothing but the highest level of paradise for her and for my dad. ameeen :) 

the moon shines brightly tonight and it somehow eased me inside :')

and I am glad too that I asked my mom this , and I'm just so glad the spark of the question come from the recitation of Surah Yusuf - particularly on the phrase where Prophet Yusuf told his dad about the dreams he had. 

And I feel obliged and delighted at the same time to record and write this down. Because it is a story that I never remembered, and it comes personally from a person who remembers every little details of it. 

And maybe someday I will be reminded again about this whole thing - and perhaps will make me more cautious when, insyaAllah one day being a mommy to be. Apart from fancying endless baby bump - because I seems to have one now ey hahahahhahah kbye. 

This was drafted few days ago in the train enroute from Melaka to Kuala Lumpur, hence yeah. 

So yesterday on our way back to Melaka , the radio played Surah Yusuf ( well my Arab may not be that good but it’s been quite a few times I run through the tafsir and story of Prophet Yusuf , which I deemed as one of the bawang merah bawang putih version in sirah )

Go and heads up there , read the whole story from the start, its mesmerising on how its being recorded in the Quran. 

Then Ibu pointed out a particular ayat from the surah , a doa which she practiced throughout her life

InsyaAllah we all know that pregnant mothers are encouraged to read Surah Yusuf through their pregnancies , which I initially thought because to have a beautiful baby ; but if you read through the chapter with it’s translation , perhaps there’s only one part speaks about Yusuf is so good looking - the story of Zulaika and him ( and several other women ) 

I was really enlightened by my kakak usrah about this story of Nabi Yusuf - and the assignments we had during our circle session, huwaaaa iMisssss !

Where one important lesson we can learn from the surah is about Nabi Yaakub lost his son , not once but twice , Yusuf and Bunyamin - that never once, he never lost his hope in Allah. 

What is even worse is that , his other children who envied Yusuf and Bunyamin , were the masterminds behind the lost his two sons . Despite such betrayal from his other sons , he remains calm and asked Allah to grant him the most beautiful patience out of the test. Yes despite of being a prophet, he's still a human being, a father - he grieved over the lost of his beloved sons. 

So I asked Ibu , did she really finish surah Yusuf every single day throughout her six ( and more ) pregnancies ( I guess I’m already at the legit age to ask that and plus it’s 12++ am in the morning and we’re still at the highway ) . 

Because I know it’s not a short surah and she got other commitments

She said she do it interchangeably with Surah Lukman and towards the end of pregnancies, she read Surah Maryam.

And hearing to her stories , I can see how important , how tough to bring a soul into the world , if you wanted to have a bright children in the future , the works definitely starts way before the pregnancy alone. Because it does in many ways will affect your children’s personalities and character traits

Najwa and her personalities haha

She told me when she was pregnant with me , she just started teaching at Methodist Banting. And she cycled to class until she’s 8 month pregnant , only stops when the other senior teachers nags her to stop cycling because they’re worried . 

She said she will always go out early to cycle to school and once she reached school , she will take quite some time to catch her breath ( to relax and whatnot ) , which really explains parts of my traits now ,* and I was like oh emmmm geee this is the reason why *  I always walk or go to class early since Intec days because I need that some time to relax before the class starts , or else it will chaotic for me inside.

And interestingly , she just remembered that while she’s pregnant with me , the headmaster elected her to be in charge for the library, she even attended a one week course for that purpose , hence ever since I was in her womb , I’m familiar with this library setting ( maybe explains the me who can read everywhere I wish ) ( well I wish I read as much as I do in the past ) ( now CLP books also don't want to read this girl haha ) 

Despite opposing to the idea of me being alone most of the time in Kuala Lumpur, she totally understand why I seems okay to those things - because when she was pregnant with me, she's the same too, went here and there, wanted to stand on her own, and she don't want to wait or rely on the others. 

She told me about the other 5 pregnancies as well , which I can relate what she’s gone through throughout the journey affect our personalities . And I realised that perhaps such bond mommies and their children had , the pregnancy journey shared between mommies and their children throughout that seven to nine months of the process - truly the reason why mommies know their children well.

Towards the end of the conversation , she even said that she wanted to rectify all the wrongs she done that affects our us, our personalities ( huwaaaa I can cry because she done no wrong , she had , excellently raise us up ) , and if there's something wrong about our personalities, that have been tainted with surroundings and whatnot, never her fault to begin with. 

And because I’m in the middle of being conflicted with relationship wise , I know that building a family , a good family starts with being a good woman and man,  with great qualities.

I know how subjective 'great qualities' can be, and one must not be so demanding - but we have rights on what to expect on our partners isn't it. 

People have flaws they do, and will continue have even after marriage but from the very beginning, some traits are so important as the basis of growing a family tree that last till eternity.  It is indeed something that you need to put extra effort into it. And it’s not something someone can take so lightly.

As for now, I'll just focus on mending myself, for whatever things that need one. 

It was such a pleasure to hear to he stories and I guess this is one of the answer I’m looking for in the midst of me losing my way.

Thank you Ibu

its just feeling so good to see a familiar colour , and maybe its just the place is different now. 

Love, the'ann

Reasons I don't really write these days

I realized that I don't do much writing these days and I genuinely know the reason(s) why

Because though I think nothing goes wrong with my life - I know something is just not right. And by writing down the journals and reflecting over it, I felt threatened by how hypocrite I can be. How conflicted I can be on writing and what I've been battling with inside me. And it saddens me a lot too to be in this phase.

Good thing is that I'm adjusting better now with the current life. Previously I felt like the loneliest creature on earth , so tired dealing with workloads and studying at the same time, but now I know and started to realize some people had it worst.

I mean nothing is going wrong with my life, blessed with a job, was accepted into the employment sector a month (plus) after graduation considering the applications made after I'm back in Malaysia, able to breath , having a shelter and many other physical blessings - that I am able to witness and value.

But I'm failing each time now :(

Love, the'ann

I don't know whether its a right decision...

This morning while walking to the office, I've decided on a matter, which if I prolonged the decision-making time, I know I will deliberate more on the matter, and eventually affecting someone's affairs in life. 

I don't know if I've make a right decision, I mean the right decision can be a good one or a bad one, but certainly what's best for me at the moment. I am afraid that someday I will regret the decision the I've made because I know, initially my heart desired for the opposite . 

But I know if I am ever to decide on the opposite , it will make me ponder more and giving false hope when I am clearly not ready for the phase. 

I guess it becomes complicated because it involves other person, I wouldn't mind if its just about me, I mean I will be the one who will bare the consequences , there will be not much hassle - at least its just about me and not more. 

However now it clearly involves someone else, and before the feelings got intertwined , lets put a halt to this. 

I hope that I'll be at ease with the decision - well I am allowed to be sad isn't it hoping that I can turn back the time, but I wouldn't dare to play with my own words. But I hope I will be happy with what I've decided and to Him I give my everything. I am slowly tracing back the old track, the old me. It's just to consciously departing from the deen line. 

Nevermind Najwa

its okay

it should be, a  right one. 

Love, the'ann

Random big move

thanks to filter - my face is so gloomy these days
Soooo I am done with the day, I mean working time, now its class time ! I initially wanted to write about this yesterday night since I don't have any class last night, but it happened that I slept soundly at 8 till 11 , I just don't understand why sobs I regretted those precious minutes I slept ha-ha I should do so many things - calculating savings , updating blog, or to the very least watch a movie or read a book you girl T.T

And I moved into a new place last Saturday , a very random move I made in life, it doesn't take that long for me to decide on the moving out part , and plus every parties attached to the decision ( either the old or new landlord and me too ) seems to ease the process. 

Some moves in life are rather vague, I mean physically you don't really move - like moving on from someone , but this move I made, is literally so tiring, I was juggling between night classes, back so late and packing stuff in the darkness T.T

Well I was quite scared to actually give a very late notice to my old landlord , but he seems okay, well I burned my deposit but considering the place I'm living now is just a walking distance to the office, plus I got a proper single bed, good roommates , the facilities and whatnot - I guess its a good deal. Hence I don't really hesitate on that part.

I've been loving it so far, I guess one of the best of it is that no one watch the television so I don't really hear people making noises at the living room , I mean I'm used to a very quiet house in the UK, plus my families aren't that loud when it comes to watching the television, hence the surrounding seems familiar to me.

I always love the fact that I can still lazy around at 8.00 am because it took like 5-8 minutes good walk to the office and I saved a bit on the transportation wise. Maybe it will be a bit eerie to go back late night after class, but nevertheless I got to try to stand on my own. Trying to brace this life, and clinging on Him ( plus hoping the surrounding too ) will be helping me.

I went for a short swim last Sunday, was a bit disappointed to know that the gym had a separate card for its membership grrrr I wanted to run so bad. 

I'm coping well emotionally now. Both personal and non personal life. Life goes on isn't it? 

And last night , while I was trying to sleep ( well not even trying because I was too tired anyway ) , I was pondering upon how hard life is now , I am happy with life now, working life is indeed fun , well studying on the other hand , as always it can be fun it can be tiring, its class anyway. 

Suddenly Afiza sent me a photo in our usrah group, a photo of them doing Pass the Smile project, just like the Pay It Forward project we did last time . And I found myself crying over that simple photo , its just so sad to see myself now, I mean I used to do all sorts of things that touches people's heart but now handling my own seems so hard. I miss the old times, old good times, old gold Najwa. 

But at the same time, I need to keep telling myself, I need to keep deceiving myself so that I'll be at ease - that everyone's life is hard , and on top of that, to be honest, I am so blessed because yesterday as I was walking from the school to the LRT station , I encountered so many homeless people resting on the pavements .

I was really pondering how does it feels like not to have a home to head to at night 

and their life seems to be much much harder than mine, that my struggles are just so tiny , and can't even be considered as hard. 

( okay this is my self-ranting phase haha ignore me ) 

You have a pretty decent place - with kind roommates, cheerful office mates, I mean nothing is going wrong about your life , you're even studying at the moment and had no difficulties with money or whatsoever. Which part of this decent life is so hard for you Anis ( sigh ) 

Its okay Anis , you'll get through this, it will be a little bit lonely, like no one you can talk about your day through ( but to be frank, I do , maybe its not the person I expect to share my stories with lol - I'm moving on k ) , this is still an adjusting phase. You'll do fine girl. You will.

All in all , what I need to do now is to keep counting blessings and feeling truly content with my life. 

Love, the'ann

ps making this like a magazine article seems nice ey