Running 🏃

I must say that the internet kinda like getting better - way better than before . At least now I am not waiting for eleven years six days to pass that I'm finally able to see this page popping up. 

Had to put this here. Because I just love it ha-ha narcissist 
These few days I have started running both in physical and virtual life. 

I would spent almost half an hour a day to basically walk and run on the treadmill and initially it was because I miss Cardiff a lot. Its not that I run in Cardiff that frequent , plus I am just not that fast in pace, I did run and walk for couple of times at the Maindy centre. But I walked a lot in Cardiff, I enjoyed my time walking to the city and the walk seems so frequent towards the end , like the day after a day I found myself walking (again) to the city for various reasons. 

Hence each time I started running, blankly starring the window since its faced that way, I put on my headphone which I rarely used back in the UK , you can tell it from where I put the headphone , kept nicely in the bottom drawer ha ha. 

I will start imagining Cardiff, with all the songs I used to play en route to wherever I am walking. 

And I guess my mom was happy seeing me on the treadmill , on the first walk she kinda asked/told my brother about it and my brother sent me lists of this dieting stuff, but honestly, I dislike it.

I started walking because I feel like doing so, and strangely I dislike the supports and encouragement. Its good but I kinda attached those feelings with what I felt back in highschool. 100M and 400M seems torturing enough with all the people by your side either cheering or booing or whatever they did waiting ages for me to complete the run. 

So I kinda appreciate supports and encouragement in prayers. Like just stay in silence, I prefer it to be that way. 

And running in the real life seems to be way easier than running from the virtual life. 

I had a fling with someone, I don't want to even call it a love because it was clearly not that. But I guess as usual , I am stuck in that moving on phase, like I keep checking on someone who clearly disrespected me in many sense, but I guess I was lingered by the feeling of *finally* being wanted by somebody. 

And what makes it harder is that I cling a lot on people , and he came at the time when I was standing firmly and independently from having to share my thoughts , my days with human. 

That's where I started to consciously loosing control over myself. 

I *temporarily* found a place where I look forward for replies over simple messages like Good Morning, How Are You and etc. And now the phase kinda not stay long just as what I expected and indirectly hoped for , and now come the toughest part, which to build back the wall and detach completely. 

I am among those over-thinkers and I am comfortable enough to take all the blame for not able to get my head  straight. One day I thought , that's it lets put a stop to this , then to find a simple morning wish popping up on the screen, and ( not again please ) 

And as I was eating the fried chicken from the night market yesterday, I guess it should be one of the greatest reason for me to completely withdraw myself from this miseries, like how even? 

Because if I were to end up with this person, I might find myself leaving Malaysia again, and I will miss the night market vibes plus there's high tendency that I'll be eating salads and all those healthy things for the rest of my life. 

Sounds good to some ey? Not me. 

Ha ha ha I guess there is a need for myself personally to write this thing down here, this might be the vague idea of how these non important things are filling every parts of my brains, which I dislike it. 

I haven't really talk about this feelings-heart-related stuff for quite sometime. And I actually love it to be that way, stays that way. 

I dislike putting my values on someone so uncertain, I definitely know that I'll be successful on my own, I can be happy on my own , and everything is just possible to be achieved, aside from biological context of having offspring, that's just another part of the story. 

I am taking control over myself, and found myself to be in this journey because I choose to please Him more than pleasing him. And for all the courages and steps I took away from this person, I always hope that it will be repaid with somebody that worth the while. 

And lets just say its not here in this world, may He instil patience in me, happiness in me along the journey. I have so many things ahead me to be accomplished , and I need to trust Him for the instincts He gave me. 

I am teaching myself over and over again that the courages and steps I took were clearly a sign of love. He loved me and He cared so much, that He refrains me from doing things I wasn't supposed to do. 

And for that, be grateful and be happy Anis Najwa. 

This time of the year going to get rough, but keep running. 

Love, the'ann

Life for the past few weeks and lesson learnt

Its been really a while since I write something inside here, I've been trying to load the page for ages when I'm in Melaka , the result is frustrating enough that I decided to do other things aside from writing inside the blog. Been writing here and there, main tumblr account, secret tumblr account ( lol ) , even notes inside the phone and the tab. 

Basically its everywhere and I couldn't keep track of the writings. Emotions are wrecking up these days but I'm settling down well here in Malaysia 

Its been like two weeks I guess ( excuse my poor calculation ) and this week is the first weekend I spent home , I mean with my family around, the first weekend I was away in Kelantan, and the next weekend at Universiti Putra Malaysia for Journey of a Muslim (JOM #JOM2017 ) and another three days at Batu 14 Hulu Langat for weekdays ( literally ) retreat. 

Honestly speaking, I personally felt that I am straying away from the religion path, I'm kinda in a phase of being tested for things that really test my concious mind, and I guess there's a need for me to surround myself with people whom I know, will help me to get back in the righteous track.

I know I can't rely to such support forever to stay firm with what I choose to believe in, but I see the weekdays retreat as an opportunity for me to kinda save myself ( ha ha ha ) 

And there's two things I would love to share , from the three days of retreat is first what I got from the Baitul Muslim session and next the reality check of society and how missionaries are going so far ( dakwah ) 

So in case you're not familiar with this Baitul Muslim or most of us acronymed it as BM, its basically a marriage - unification between a man and a woman. And I love this one point that kept being repeated through the whole session, 

Before you find your other half, or in your journey of seeking for the one, build a very strong connection between you and The One, with that big T an O I am speaking about Allah.

Go and recheck your relationship with the Al Mighty and fix what need to be fixed. When you excellently take care of this part, with Allah will, everything that comes next will fall into the right place at the right time. 

And this reminds me of a simple comment ( which I forgot to reply ) on my last blog post in the UK , which I posted the link on facebook, my kakak usrah left a simple comment yet it kinda struck inside me and its like a melody that keeps playing inside my head

' Take a good care of Allah and Allah will take a good care of you' 

not the exact wording but that's the jist of it 

So everytime I was lazying around, like all these while in the UK because of the praying time changed every single time and day, with no azan and whatnot, most of the time, I'll try my very best to pray earliest possible. And the situation is somewhat different in Malaysia , and the phrase kinda pushes me, and I'll always say to myself, if you want your affairs to be taken into Allah consideration, love and to be prioritized among other people's concern in this world, then prioritize Him and take a good care of what He deserve. He deserve the best. 

And next is about the reality of dakwah / missionaries on the ground in Malaysia. 

I guess what scares me the most is when the third panelist speaks about all the things I considered 'biasa dengar' or often we write down in different Malay and English SPM essays, about all these social problems occurring inside the society .

After three years in the UK, and each time when I kinda feel like I'm being tested with my faith, I guess for now, with Allah's mercy its not even comparable between the reality happening on the ground. Child outside the wedlock, open sex and whatever strings attached to the motion, it kinda hits me hard. 

There's a need for me to count the blessings, that Allah gives me a good circle of friends and surrounding but at the same time, the urge to dive inside the society and to cure what can be cured. To bring back the values of Islam in the people, because all these social problems occured in our society, the malays, which majority and almost all of them born as muslim. 

And if its not among us who're blessed with the understanding about the deen to save the situation , who else? 

I guess that's it for now, at least something to ponder upon and its really good to be here again even for a very short period of time, I'm using my brother's laptop and I'm in Banting now ( the internet connection is way better than what I have in Melaka ). 

And bit of life update, currently I'm actively seeking for jobs basically to support my future, as I'm planning to do CLP and commuting from Melaka to KL everyday doesn't seems to be cost efficient - hence can I humbly request your prayers to ease this journey for me. Currently I am hoping to pass an intelligence test from a company which I am clearly just so bad at it that I doubt those IQ, EQ's I had inside my brain ( cries a river ) 

I still have so much things to write down, about my revisit camp. Hoping that I'll find time , and with no pressure, with good internet connection, but clearly I don't know when ( for now ) ( hiuh ) 

And that's it for now, till then, take care. 

Love, the'ann