No longer

This is me , talking to myself .

...

This site is no longer my favorite to spur things.
It turns out to be a hateful site , a harmful toxic to the emotions
Though it passed and resolved , still , a harmful one
Like how funny could it be , a dead nonliving site is so powerful to turn your life...

I must know the world is harsher than this. Its just a beginning.

But I am keeping this alive since some people still need it
for a reference based on my past.
Moga sikit tu bermanfaat.
Moga sikit tu membantu.

I have so many things to say. A reply to every single thing.
But I choose stop.
I'm learning and forcing myself to treat a human like how a human should be treated.
if I ever continue lashing out the points ,
I am
just the
person whom I don't wish to be

Walking away , keeping things between me and The Creator.
because it sooth more than ever.

Tak susah pun to walk away because that's always how it seems to happen.
People breaks , and you , is still you in the past.
You walk away.

Human'mean' . Still a human'kind'
Be strong girl. Be strong.

May He instill guilt's in you . Like how He instill guilt's inside me. 
so that you know the steps you should have take 
to kill the guilt's you had in you. 

To you and your friends , I owe you guys an apology.

To you , who're behind all those comments ,
I am sorry. I had this one day to reflect upon my fault.
I had neglected the facts that I should ask you guys before hand.
I've been there , being accused by medias as they wrote a total different facts from my issue ,
I should have see that in your case too.

If there's any way for me to compensate on this issue , please let me know.

For being such a dumb ass to you and your friends , I owe you guys an apology
But its just that I hope you don't relate it with my parents love for me.
For causing such ruckus , I'm sorry. And it's okay if you wish not to forgive me.

I admit all my faults. For writing , and for affecting and neglecting your emotions.

To you and your friends ,
deep inside , akak harap Allah mudahkan urusan awak awak semua. Ease it in any way He can ease it for you guys.  Moga diberikan apa jua jalan to end it with a good settlement. For disappointing too , I'm sorry.  Moga ujian menguatkan awak , akak dan semua.

You have my support , 119 , stay strong and keep fighting.

Maafkan akak.

For causing such ruckus. I know I'm at fault

I'm sorry for being a jerk I admit.
Maafkan saya. Moga Allah mudahkan urusan awak.


Going back to Cardiff soon.

My last updated post was like two weeks ago and ada je attempt nak menulis sikit sikit in between tapi aku secara tiba tiba menjadi malas melepet nak menghabiskan karya karya hahahhaha kau panggil ini karya anis najwa? ( patut letak sekali tanda soal tanda seru sekali dalam ayat ni ) 

After three months , after answering to countless questions of 
" Bila balik sana balik? "
- " Akhir september "   
 - " Oh lama lagi " 
... Well actually I'm left with approximately 11 days before going back to Cardiff. Like how three months passes by , 11 days is like pejam celik kau sudah berada  di KLIA menyeka air mata hahahahhaa . Of course kau takyahlah kan tanya , apa perasaan anda? Its complicated. Than ever.  ( caps lock font size 48 Times New Roman ) hahah siap. Sebab masa first year , before departing kau busy gila uruskan visa la , dah ke KL visanya tak siap siap , dah patah balik ke Melaka , barulah email sampai visa kau dah sampai ( emoticon muka monyet ) - so kecelaruan ni macam menganggu emosi kau nak sedih ke apa , sebab its CELARU instead of sedih. Jadi hati tu takdelah rasa berat nak meninggalkan tanah air because after all , its your freakingsztwoyears dream ( after hectickus alevels ) , so excited tu mestilah terselit sekali dalam kecelaruan perasaan tu haha. 

Tapi bila dah nak masuk second year ni , after kau dah melalui setahun fasa usaha - fasa mengidam - fasa homesick - fasa counting days meskipun baru dua tiga bulan dekat sana - fasa hidup tak move on , dia rasa macam haish beratnya nak balik. ( I'm sick of comparisons tak henti henti belajar luar dalam negara , just so you know both have pros and contras and if you're wondering , we suffer too , WE ALL SUFFER DON'T WORRY in our own way haha ) I do miss Cardiff for  the super laju tak buffer internet , leaving foods on the tables without the worries dia akan basi ke tak ( sebab dia lambat nak basi ; kenapa ? hahaha berdasarkan ilmu picisan aku dalam sains , aku cuma rasa bakteria tak berkerja secara telus semasa cuaca sejuk ) ( kah kah kah ) , tapi the feelings of bermalas malasan di tanah air sambil mengacau orang adalah lebih membahagiakan haha. Hearing to nags and babbles are bearable compared to rasa nak balik tu. No matter how much efforts yang aku spur untuk instill ' bersyukur dengan peluang belajar ' , still these dragging feelings menghantui diriku haha. 

Tapi

After all , I'm hitting the reality. Nak tak nak ticket dah ada. Its Rabu depan depan anyway , raya haji I know. Takbir mengiringi kepulanganku ~~~~  Barang dah mula list dan kemas , financial planning dah jot down.  Meskipun jiwa memberontak , secara sedarnya , aku membuat persiapan yangs sepatutnya. Sebab aku sedar its like a new start , aku nak tak nak dah buat all the list beforehand. Minda sedar > minda mahu berangan angan hahahhahah pun boleh k. 

Second year ni aku banyak simpan niat , banyak gila simpan angan angan , but its better for me to keep it inside my lists and my circle of people yang akan bergiat aktif dengan wish lists aku , so whatever it is the list , aku mengharapkan doa dari mata mata yang membaca , untuk doakan all my wish and aims berjaya for this upcoming second year. Saw people graduating with first class honour , I AM SO JEALOUSSSS and wishing for the same thing too , tapi kalau wish je usaha tak turut serta pun tak jadi jugak kan? Its definitely on the list aaaa untuk strive even harder and tengah tunggu timetables untuk susun self study punya jadual. I wanna travel more too so got to save more jugak. Trying to detach myself from the harmless social medias , hahah I've been scrolling fb's for articles , recipes , stories , good things yang aku rasa macam nantilah baca , shared it on my wall for my own view haha. Dengan harapan nanti rajin nak baca balik. 

Anyway , summer had been so great for me , I don't do much , just merging myself into where I belong , having this night talks with my sister and my brothers , doing a community work- buat kelas to help the UPSR PT3 students with their revisions and homework , pergi Cambodia for #beedadari_project , pergi Perlis tempat abang - pergi INTEL seperti yang dihajatkan , going to the dentist ( to my surprise haha ) replying mails , and write a lot in different medium , do what daughters should do , do what sisters should be doing , and aku rasa summer aku bermakna in my own way I hope. :) 

For all the rambles above , I find more reasons to feel grateful. Grateful dengan peluang yang ada. InsyaAllah semangat tu akan datang balik secara berkala. 

Doakan aku dapat gather semangat untuk balik dan belajar , doakan jugak jadi anak tabah di perantauan , banyak banyak doa yang tak terlintas pun dalam kepala ni , doakanlah yang baik baik insyaAllah :) 

Tak tahu lagi nak wish " see you next year " or " see you next two years " 


* puffy morning faces * balik Cardiff be like , hmm lets go back
ala nanti boleh...
hmm k redha balik. ( jetlagged ) *tetiba* haha

but , just see you when I see you :)