off this sappy mood

[best to play this song while you're reading this post , lets be sappy together ]

Just so y'know parts of me are dying to write something, there were times that my head was actively connecting the cells to gather information , constructing thoughts and translating them to words and sentences whilst driving home. 

To later find I'm too occupied with house chores or I am just too tired to function properly. That plenty of posts stuck middle-way hoping this one reaches the end. 

For the past few weeks, one motion that were occupying my mind was 

' Easing people's affair' .  

One day, I had a conversation with my best friend who happened to spend 3 years of her life abroad, about what she missed the most being in the USA. 

And she said the fact that everyone is trying to ease everyone's affairs in life. 

From the simplest prompt reply to work / casual emails, to holding the door with the next person in life or to even tidy up your own plates/food after eating out. 

which make me pause, and ponder. -

It never came to me the act of tidying up / placing your plates to assigned places is an act of easing someone else's life because after a while, it become a habit and it feels weird for me not doing so. 

Often when I place my plate or cup at the counter ( because they don't provide a place for that ), people would question me with things like " Puan kenapa rajin sangat ? " or " Eh letak je tak payah angkat " . 

I'll just reply with a smile or 'takpe' and walk away. 

gahhh I miss the UK so bad. 

well of course one will be tested with the things she choose to embrace. 

It was when I thought I want to live the rest of my life easing people's affairs, I am tested up to a point I kinda questioned my sincerity level. Like are you really sure you're up for this for a lifetime? when I found myself whining over stuff I don't wish to share here. 

I believe easing people affair is not just about helping out with something, but to also put someone's heart at rest. 

Putting a burden on someone's heart is not easing either. I've lived my life compromising my ego's because I don't think by giving the ego's win will put my own heart at rest. 

That often I choose to forgive, providing all sorts of excuses I created to give a leeway to the person who caused it. Overtimes I would tell myself that, I had such pain because I was the one expecting it would be this way when it turns out differently - far from what I wish/expect. 

Well of course , it hurts. It hurts that I am unable to hate when hate is the only thing I wish I could feel. 

few days back -

I was reading old mails from a friend, whom I thought had promised me the world. But someday promises vanished into thin air, this friend disappear from my life. I am left with questioning the values I carried, that I am treated that way. Slowly I thought I should build back the walls - should be patching the wounded heart be it with cries - or whatever it takes to heal the heart. 

I came across a sentence that kinda make me, have no place in someone's heart : I am doing this to protect her not you. 

should I beg and say, I am fragile too. 

I forgive but is that a reason I should be taken for granted. 

Because I give the chance, should the chances taken so lightly. 

but thank God, forgiving healed me. I hold to the principle that I shouldn't burden my heart with hate. Because the nature of a heart, it changes. A hate can turn into love or sympathy you name it, vice versa. 

The past few weeks got me thinking about leaving the world. That what if someday I leave sooner than what I always imagine. Maybe because the fact that I was signing my first hire-purchase , that I opt for an insurance that will cover the whole payment in case I pass away or in any unfortunate events happen to me. I thought such move will not put others in trouble when I am not around. coupled with the fact that I know, for certain, I am not in my most pink of health. 

Like did I do my best. 

Did I serve my best as a servant , a daughter, a sister, a worker, or as a mere stranger crossing other strangers path . That I think being a wife would not even be close. 

A senior of mine just lost her mother in law, my kakak usrah to be precise. I didn't have the chance to know the mom personally, but I've been taught wonders by her son and her daughter in law. That for that reason alone, I know only an extraordinary person would give birth to amazing people. If it's not so much to ask, would you spare a moment to keep her in your prayers? May Allah bless you with the highest jannah aunty <3

I am such in a sappy mood while hearing to this Empty Space , Live Acoustic version for the twenty thousand times already. 

I am aspired to be someone who's there to offer a tiniest help , whenever its possible. 

To a shortest advice, or a short amount of time trying to just listen , to be able to forgive when people intentionally or not intentionally hurting me, offering help when people asking /not asking , offering comfort with presence to anyone who needs one. 

Because I know how it feels like when you're left with none, crying in silent wishing it reaches out to people. But deep down, you're just trying to console yourself repeating ' Suffice Him alone ' while stroking your chest over and over again. 

Often I remind myself that I am living a life that many would envied out there, that what I am feeling at the moment would be incomparable with people who's desperately wishing for a shelter or seeking peace to take another breath of air.

Be grateful Anis, He'll bless you with more. 

lets be genuine, and content Anis - April, 2019

 Love, the'ann