Hi again?

September passed and I had two long drafted post which I think came to become irrelevant to be posted now. I no longer can relate the things I've been writing for the posts so I'll just keep it there for my own reference. 

Sooooo it's October already and its been few days since I've been thinking to come back to writing, acknowledging feelings , storing memories I've been creating for the past two months since I last write in August. 

For the past two or three weeks , it was a bit dreading for me in the sense that I am feeling so tired and it was due to my sleepless nights. I wouldn't even say its sleepless because I slept, but in my sleep I was experiencing terrible intense emotions. 

At first I've accepted it as a dream, that in those dreams I was crying, my heart was burdened and certainly its not helping me out with workloads I had during the daytime. It was so obvious that those dreams are affecting me on daily basis as I appeared not cheerful / not the usual me while working. The other day, my seniors had some works to be done in my court and both asked me whether I am sick, and I was like, nope I am good. 

Then I had a talk with A, telling him all these sad sappy dreams, and he asked me what did I see in my dreams. Since all those dreams seems very real, I was able to dictate the emotions and the settings of the dreams. It was mainly revolving around the work and the people I deal with while working. And he then said , it was not a dream, its more like your subconscious mind, you're very stressed from work isn't it? 

Being the very optimistic Anis Najwa, of course I am in my denial mode, because I enjoyed and love what I am doing at the moment. I mean someone can't be stressed out by something she loved or enjoy isn't it? To later , gradually acknowledging that yes, I am little burdened by the check lists I had to settle for the week since I'll be away for the next whole week. 

And it was on Friday that my emotions are at the peak , that I suddenly burst into tears when someone asked me whether I am okay. I was like so angry that its makes me sad because I am angry ( at very little petty things ) - and I was wondering why I got so angry . I was continuously sad and angry for the whole week that it tires the heck out of me. It was on the same day where I've successfully ticked my checklists for the week, that it kinda tones my emotions down. 

But I know for certain, accomplishing those tasks are not moderating my feelings back to the usual me. 

It was on Sunday when I departed for my one week course in Bangi, I planned to meet my usrahmate back in the UK for a quick update session. And its recorded in few of my posts in the blog on how much my Ayyash had positively impacted my life - giving all sorts of twists to my views and characters. 

Meeting them in a very short allocated time gives me so much feels , these are the people who embraced me for who I am, who listened to me when I am being whiny ( and plainly stupid ) , who enjoyed my lame jokes, most importantly - positively making changes to my life and I love the person whom I became when they're around me. It has weirdly fill this emptiness inside my heart , resetting those intense emotions back to the subtle mood. 

The meet was so fulfilling that it energizes me for the whole week of course. And experiencing a week of formal teaching and learning ( because life alone is a informal learning experience haha ) gave so much feels and it reminds me of my Evidence classes back during CLP.

No matter how far I departed from the memories of doing my professional paper, I guess the surreal feelings will always be there, stagnant and vivid. 

Partly because how rapid the transition was between studying full time to be juggling work and study, living tightly , pushing myself to the edge of boundaries I never knew I am capable of doing and the no joke emotions turbulence ranging from love , heartbreaks and disappointment. And just how demanding the phase was, I can't even entertain those emotions and had to power through so it won't affect my performance. 

And for going through such series of episodes in life, going to classes actually makes me happy. It revives back those memories, the things that used to be so alien ( and hardly relatable ) terms and application of the law , now is something I deal with on daily basis. Which they're making more sense on why its done that and this way. 

Not wanting to sound nerdy here but I enjoyed the whole, at least one week of escaping surprises of 'Puan, we got a trial today' and I had no idea / information beforehand [ now I am just getting used to it and still finding ways not to be too surprised ] [ need to be more organized and prepared of course ] 

I am surprised by ability to drive around, bracing traffics in big cities , and getting used to it. Something I used to loathe in the past , we've come to the page where loathe is such a strong language to be used in an equation of Anis and driving. Because driving , though may not be my cup of tea - it helps me to calm down and having a me time humming to depressing playlists haha. So when the abbreviation used is more subtle and not strong, it doesn't tires me down as much as it does in the past. 

Few days ago I was voicing out my opinion about a friend whom I adored for being an extrovert , and having deemed to be seen as extrovert too ( most of the time ), I guess she's just at an another level of being an extrovert. She then said, she thinks that I am an introvert but becomes chatty with the people I am comfortable with . And looking at how my social life at the moment, I agree to that. 

Its been such a fulfilling week as well since I made ad-hock plans to meet my friends ; looking at how boring my life was - despite the full blocked dates on the planner on weekdays ( due to work ) , my after work plan is pretty / yet comfortably lame. I don't go dates on weekend because one is obviously, date-less , I don't meet my friends on weekend too because my friends are not scattered within the radius of my ( limited ) reach. 

Weekend is continuously about late evening laundry and sleeping through the day paying off the sleep debt over weekdays ( AS IF ) 

it was when the course is ending and I am thinking that I need to make my life colourful again - I started to make plans to visit a friend , to being stuck in a jammed and thinking I should meet another sets of friends whom live nearby the food place I've been wanting to go to. Well actually that popped inside my head after being stuck in the jammed too HA-HA-HA  

Met baby Sofiyaa who's now at her fourth months when I last saw her when she was three to four days old. Been obsessing over someone's ( or many people's ) children that I wanted my own . Like just the joy out of it not the pain, but was clearly informed that my bank accounts are not healthy to raise a child , just enough to raise the child me ( I was about to write the child in me , but I had been pulling the pregnant not born child joke for so long now ahah ) . And I was looking through my album to see just how many things changed ever since I meet Sofiyaa's mother seven years back and it feels, surreal. 

Met the usual gang ( Ajlaa and Aliatul ) and coming back to Alia's crib is one of the comfiest feelings I treasured , it feels like home and the people are very accommodating in many senses. And I met my second home members ( Angah, Biha and Diy ) , and to the last I was there was back in August 2018 - coming back to the place where I seek solace at the swimming pool and being accepted as a part of family member ( self proclaimed haha ) in the house that gives me so much care , keeping me poise during my exam week. 

It was actually really worrying that I am unable to write , even at my sappiest and saddest state - that if I am writing something down last month, it was a very mellow and depressing writing because I am unable to lift my own mood. I caught myself crying before sleep because that's the only thing I can do to ease the feelings. I was caught in the miseries of questioning my own worthiness as a human being and it often makes me sad. ( hello can someone be allergic already at this sad noun ) 

And alhamdulillah recovering slowly and back in the blessed track, counting blessings over miseries. I acknowledged that being sad is okay , being not okay is okay, and to take time is okay too ! and for those feelings to keep coming back and lingers around you I deemed as okay too , don't be too hard on yourself. You've been kind to others , and the least for yourself. You should be best treated by your own-self :) 

The last two drafted post, in one of those drafts I talked about my experience being nominated as the best female participant for my team building because they were amazed by the braveness ( I am amused too like how did I become so confident on those ridiculously shaking ropes LIKE WHY EVEN THERE'S THIS ROPES HANGING ON THE SKY CHALLENGE TO BEGIN WITH UHM HELLO?!! ) . 

Quoting from my very own posts on Instagram , ( boleh tak thesis macam ni ? so self narcissist of crossing refer to yourself haha ) , I just believe that life is about fate and chances, some chances appears only once and such chance would not present itself again in the future , so I am just giving my body to experience on how it feels like , and knowing that I would not voluntarily spend to be on such challenges , I think I should just do it. The instructor keeps emphasizing about the weight those cables can withstand while looking at me ( Real pressure is there ha-ha ) and doing the basic calculations in my head , it won't threaten my life being up there haha. 

gaaaaahhhh I am so satisfied that I am able to finish this writing ( lol ) hopefully god willing, we'll see again in my next no-one-knows-when post ? 

time to entertain yourself with pictures ! ( pictures are not in a proper orders and I DONT CARE HAHA ) 

Meet the calmest baby ever - (aun)TY (na)JWA is very obsessed HA-HA 

so much lovessss for these girls 

time flies isn't it? 

Meeting Diy - and the last was perhaps during our graduation day lol back in April haha. at one of the best makan place I know haha

my WSW , my Ayyash families - whom got so many updates and I can't keep up. May Allah ease your affairs girls 

me escaping office , but doing office work 

the fellow members of Pejabat Penasihat Undang-Undang Negeri Melaka during our teambuilding weekend.

obviously me fancying over my ownself the end haha

Love, theann.