There's goodness in it...

I think this time around its really valid to say that it has been a while since I wrote something inside here. God knows just how much draft that stays there for a very long time simply because I am weighing the reasons, whether I should or shouldn't be sharing it to the public. And when I think too much contemplation were put into the consideration , I choose the safe route, which to keep those writings in the draft. 

It's the 30th of January today and it's my seventh day of an official self isolation ( meaning with formal letters and permitted to be self isolating ) , when I already had a not so seriously-abiding-to-the-procedure-of-self-isolation for three days prior to the official notice. Like most of the time I'd spend my day in the room and only going out when I have to use the bathroom since my room doesn't have one. 

Did the self isolation out of my conscience as I know the risk I carried for being exposed to different people from different places ( when going to court ) . I had at all cost avoided to greet my parents and families (physically) , and it has been a while now , I think since MCO started last year. 

Being in self isolation period, it gave me pretty ample time to be thinking about different motions pertaining life generally. 

 I always thought that I love a very laid back kind of life, where I can sleep play eat on repeat not going anywhere stuck inside my room, as it turns out adjusting to the life I thought I loved was a bit awkward. I realized just how much I love the freedom of wandering around , even the thought of stepping outside the room going to the bathroom made me jubilant (yeay!) . 

Now that I wish my legs will go as far as my sight is at the moment, I am here writing and reflecting the freedom I never came to appreciate. As if I was already very entitled to the freedom when it was indeed a privilege. 

the smell of freedom *sniff sniff ( December 2020, enroute home from Perthlis )

It got me thinking to on why imprisonment is a type of punishment, as it takes away the freedom of being free. I was lucky that I am being 'imprisoned' with all sorts of necessities ; you name it , be it the laptop - phone - internet - biscuits - mineral water - fan - bedding - maggi - rice cooker - oh yeah the sunlight too as I am making a comparison with the prison itself. 

Third day down the road I was already feeling sort of claustrophobic in a room that has windows with sunlight and air flows into it simply because I think it has been ages that I am inside the room. 

Prior to the notice of self isolating , I think I have been exposed to the risk of these pandemics for quite a moment , but I sort of think that somehow I am being left out from the checkings ( ie swabbing ) when everyone else working around me were called by the relevant authorities for checkings. 

It was not until the day I was contacted as a close contact , when the person in charge asked whether I agree upon my sample being taken for the test , I hesitated. I HESITATED. Wasn't this something I have been silently wishing for ( though this is not the way I want it to happen HA-HA) . 

I hesitated for many reasons, one is the degree of pain I had to tolerate when doing the test ( as mocked and told by many ), two which is most important , like what if I am tested positive , I had to track the people I met those days when I was outside ; and somehow the aftermath discomfort caused by the news outbreak is just not so pleasing to be entertained. I am not so concerned myself to be honest , but its more about how people perceived such news. 

Regardless I said yes, after being persuaded to get myself tested. Which to put everyone's heart, especially mine, at rest. 

I did. 

Personally, it was not so bad at all. I mean the process of taking the sampling. I had mine in a drive-through , like for someone who's not so into lining up for a drive through, this is a drive through for the wellbeing of many ( ha-ha ) . It took about 40 minutes as I arrived a minute before the arranged appointment. I played Coco the movie inside my car to track how long will it take for the whole procedure. It was a smooth and fast process alhamdulillah. I think I was lucky to have a gentle person doing it, I would not describe it as painful but more of a discomfort for allowing somebody to be in your nose territory. I think I had the RTK test - which is the faster one , samples taken from two nostrils and not through the mouth/throat. 

Went straight home after that since I know it's not a wise decision to wander around when you might be risking others and god knows just how much my overthinking was for the two days waiting for the result. It turns out to be a negative alhamdulillah , when I thought all the cold flus was a sign ( when I had cold flus almost everyday in the morning and it goes away after a while as the day went ) 

'' Be careful of what you wish for...'' if you're asking me one thing I learned from the event. 

Should have been for grateful when I was 'left-out' , and of course to be careful of the things I wish for , not just about the testings but life generally. To be grateful with whatever state you are in. Just when I thought I am always grateful , it turns out I am greedy. I don't know how is this making sense to anyone who reads this but it's making sense to me as I am reflecting a lot upon the matter. 

Three more days before this self isolation ended, I wanted to savour the moment I am able to relax, quitting myself from the hectic life for a bit and enjoy the time like this as it doesn't come to me so often. Last was perhaps two years ago before the service. 

and to simply be grateful for whatever things that are bestowed upon me at the moment in time. 

insyaAllah there's goodness in it. 

as Musa a.s prays, 

''My Lord, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow upon me (Surah Al Qasas, 28:24)''

Love, the'ann