Its okay not to be okay..

Hey hey its December already, can't believe that the year is going to end yet my life seems thrilling and monotonous at the same time. 

I thought I promised to write more but just so yknow till this very day, I am not sure the whereabouts of my laptop lol lo plus the keyboard is just not functioning well hence I gave up. 

Few days ago I was dying to write something here particularly about study techniques I did for CLP since there's few people who asked me how so I thought of sharing who knows it will work well on someone else as well , but that time I was away in my hometown and I was just imagining that I'm typing the words out without actually having the medium to write , phone was just way too small with these puffy fingers some more #frustrated. 

I promise that I'll make another entry for this, with hopes CLP lasts for another few years and that entry is going to be useful haha. 

I think for the past few weeks since I last write something here, my emotions was beyond the valley of sadness and frustrations. 

Last week my parents were away for a cousin's wedding in Brunei and I seemed to be the eldest to take care of the siblings and my grandmother. My siblings are relatively easy to be dealt with , until one day I couldn't take it anymore that I am home alone to do the chores and to take care of my grandmother. 

My grandmother, she's blind , she basically can't take care of herself and her short term memories are just too short that it lasts for few minutes until she asked the same question again and again. 

It made me feel bad that I got really frustrated sometimes that I often tried my best to remember the days she took care of us ( but I would say my memories below 10 years old had been placed in the deepest darkest dungeon in the brain, I hardly remembered any ) 

I tried all kinds of mantra - like what if someday my parents turned this way , its so bad of me to have all these anger , its more than just anger, its clear frustration. 

Sometimes I wondered how did I survive last time , I did took care of her while doing my revisions. Mind that I am doing CLP revision but yet taking care of her is easy peasy. But now, given that I don't entertain much questions neither noises in my life , she asked a lot of questions, some are very creepy questions like ' what are the kids doing there' and the youngest in the family is 16 and he's at school. DAYYUM WHERE KIDS NO KIDS. 

And most of the times she keeps calling Nya Nya Nya just to make sure someone answered yes. I tried to understand the tricks though, I thought she wanted company so sometimes instead of being inside the room, I lay down outside next to her so she won't call anyone - or called my little cousins to sit in the living room, enjoying all the recorded cartoons, just to make sure SOMEBODY IS THERE, but it didn't work, She keeps calling Nya Nya lord knows who is Nya. 

So instead of getting angry by replying to the questions, I did two things, which indirectly to calm myself down. I will either used the Joox apps for Juzu' Amma so she can follow the recitations. Her memories for that are still remarkable. 

But usually it doesn't last that long until she calls Nya #IgottraumatisedbywhoisthisNya , so I'll ask her to istighfar together with me, and usually it last longer for at least half an hour to an hour. Till this very day, I would always do that, and it does at the very least keeps my head sane and it helps me to purify this ill heart * sobs * 

and that one day I decided to be rebellious - I guess my brothers and sister took the hints excellently. I got really mad to them and mostly ,89% to myself. 

My mad is I stayed very quiet , I don't talk to people, my jubilant stupid sides vanished through thin air , and I shut myself off from the public. It was a really long day, I was home alone since everyone is outside for god knows what business they had , I did the chores  including cooking , attended my grandmother  by bathing her, feeding her and entertained her questions. 

Then there's my few little cousins who wanted me to feed them , lol I was conflicted , I cooked very little that day , enough for my grandmother because I survived on other (MSG) foods haha and I swear I was just so popular that day that for once I wish people forget my name haha then I received a news about something which I considered as not good news. 

of all days, it has to be that day. 

I was just so upset, that A ( jeng jeng jeng I'm introducing a significant character in my life now ! Yeay ! someone I am grateful for his existence ) who's not at fault had to deal with the breakdown. But the timing was not on my side, that everything went wrong and I cried to sleep, reciting mantras ' No one heals you, you heal yourself ' because I was obviously expecting A would heal me #expectationsdrowning #cheerstomanymonthsbeingtogether #cringe I'll make special entry someday for A

The next day, my siblings basically gave me a day off, but yeah I do have that automatic housewife instincts that force me to do cooking , and this time around I cooked big amounts to survive cousins, lunches and dinners HA-HA . I refused to wake up that I skipped breakfast #wowzersNajwahaha 

now I wouldn't say I am complete saint that I don't experience the frustrations , I do but less. I got scolded by my grandmother when I didn't respond to her Nya Nya , because my name is not Nya wakakaka #lessguilty it took hell water of patience and I respect people who treats the elderly with empathy and great care. Because its not easy. 

And I was so glad that this one day I was alone with my sister in the car, she asked me to pour my heart out and not to keep it to myself. The reason why I stayed quiet is because I am afraid people will be judging my feelings, and it happened when I posted snippets of it on instagram because parts of me felt that its very wrong for me to feel that way. 

Not until my sister said , ' Whatever feelings you're feeling at the moment , know that its NEVER WRONG' 

And I swear it soothes me, more than I could imagine. short but yet a powerful one. 

That day I learned one psychological trick that might be useful to be used and applied in life. 

That there are stages of consoling which includes listening and choosing the right words when needed. It includes the art of not getting to the point of correcting the feelings even if its a bad one. There got to be reasons why someone is feeling or behaving in certain ways, that often we disregard listening and thought about a one size fit all kind of solution. Just because something works wonders for you, its not the same for others. 

Its okay to feel what you feel. Its okay not to be okay Anis. 

One happy kid , and behind this there's someone who's lying on the floor to get the shots. at KLIA ( take me far away please ) 

on a side note, I can't wait for 19th of December #comefastplease so I would know the result for my interview. I just wanted to work, I need to make my bank accounts better in figures, and I just want to be out there, hustling life. In some ways I am feeling stuck at home , and I can't be going out that often since I have responsibilities being home. Its like being tied down, like a bird that is used to flying then someday stuck in a cage. for a very long time T.T 

At this time around , I miss being in the UK a lot, where most of the time I only need to attend to my needs. Selfish much huh ?

 Love, the'ann