We'll cross that bridge , to the roses with the thorns

Last week my emotions went haywire , my heart got burdened by this heavy feelings - and indirectly caused by people who happened to cross my path. It went so disturbing up to the extent I thought I should stop writing for good. ( though I may not write that often, the thoughts, torn my soul apart )

Over the years, I went through hell of a journey , well not really 'hell' but a life changing journey from someone who always had ugly first impression/thoughts on people to someone who's able and still struggling to offer empathy on the first instance. 

It took me few years to have this character / personality as a part of Anis Najwa , to later find that the people surround me seemed to suggest that I should have a certain degree of ugly impression on certain people. 

I came to disagree as I am yet to be in the tested shoes and just with such caution alone, it got me thinking all week. It made me legit sad, because I hold such inspirational traits of a philosophical jurisprudence professors that says, everyone aspired to be good. 

with that heavy heart, I went to few people who have came across if not same, almost similar journey as mine, whom I looked up for. I seek for the person who first changed the old me * die hard me haha to I perceived as better me. 

and here's to the soothing answers I got from them , following my questions that were put forward to them. 

The first one, I asked her on her thoughts about having bad thoughts/impression on people. As she's among the prominent figure inside my life that has successfully shifted this impression thing, which best to be worded as 'zhon' or sangkaan in Malay. 

Despite being seen as someone who always have a good thoughts on people, she first admitted that she's struggling with the same test. 

And all that she said was, having certain degree of impressions or careful thoughts on certain people is needed especially if you're required to have one ( depending on the route where you're standing / working / etc ) and always pray that Allah interfere with whatever impressions you had , or decisions you're taking. 

Deep down you're wishing that such impressions are the result of your earnest prayers to Allah to make you among the guided ones. 

It was pretty simple but it soothes me. It reminds me back to the day one when I start working, which to work because of Allah. I've said it once that I don't know what it supposed to mean or how it works, but the answers she gave me, seems to fit the equation. 

ask Allah to interfere with your thoughts / impressions / decision. 

it was since then, I start to include in my prayers, for Him to interfere to whatever affairs I am facing. So that I will not make the decision on my own hand.

The next person, I was asking about how to align my thoughts with the dilemma I'm facing, considering both of us working in the same line. 

Still with the same contemplation , but this one, I am able to put those words in specific jargon that can be understood by both of us. 

I was asking him whether I am wrong for having this sad feelings whenever I see bad things ahead of me. I dislike the fact that someday when everything becomes a routine, I'll forget the reason why I start , or I'll not be able to express my feelings accordingly, above all having a heart that hardly feel an inch of emotion. 

Then he said, to keep such compassion and love that I had and its never wrong. 

But at the same time, considering the nature of what I am doing at the moment, I need to balance the interest fairly. Well of course being fair is not easy , but I know where he's heading with his answer. He said that I need to give myself the time and the chance to experience, to later see where my stands stand. 

Just like that , with these two answers, I came to a conclusion that I should take things easy and don't be so hard on myself. 

Just because somebody cautioned you with the things you dislike, it doesn't mean you need to take everything and totally ditch your personality on how you think you want to handle things. Hopefully the path will stays longer for me to walk through and experience those. well hopefully not the bad ones. 

And be at ease because somebody cautioned you for the risks that they may have faced in their life, and at the same time, kind and courteous enough to make you prepared with the real world. Well at least someone let you know which way the wind is blowing 

We'll cross that bridge 

when we come to it

somebody asked me earlier today, what it feels like having the opportunity to live far away from home? Not even once I forgot, how those three years meant for me. * cries a river , reminiscing how mesmerizing the view back then ( Little Plitvice I guess, December 2015? )  

but I guess, life is indeed the bridge itself, you keep walking until you came across the things you're meant to come across in life

along the way, you'll find the thorny roses. No matter how beautiful they are, in some ways it may hurt you, prick you. Even so, you keep walking on the bridge, continuing the journey. 

I guess I've been living in such a fairy tale years, where I would say I hardly find toxic people around me especially when I'm at the early youth years. 

That sometimes it took me few minutes to digest that there are bad people, bad housemates who doesn't know how to clean, or people who flee away after they borrow from you some money. But of course I can't speak too soon about having these optimistic beautiful ideas on how a society work. 

I think along the way, growing up, I did met lots of bad people who without having solid reasons, trying to bring you down, but I think my senses ain't working so well that it doesn't bug me as much as they did in the past. 

Regardless, I pray that Allah will protect me and the people around me from those who had bad intentions , moreover those who execute bad intention into acts. I had to admit, these evil people exists. 

everything seems, sorted at the moment. My feelings tuned back into normal rhythm - still learning , and accepting that beneath the beauties I signified, there's always ugly parts to it. And that's what we all call 

LIFE.  

okay lets shift into some less serious updates that doesn't need you to think, or me thinking haha

I think I've turned into someone really boring these days, that sometimes I questioned the things I would do during my leisure time because all I wanted to do is sleep but I know sleeping can be for forever and I don't want to be that boring.

Tuning into the new schedule wasn't that easy. Last time it was understandable that sleeping is the only thing I look forward to do because I was too tired reading CLP but hello now whats excuses I AM LEFT WITH T.T * cries buckets of tears *

I've been eyeing to subscribe Netflix ever since youtube is clever enough to show the things that might intrigued my attention. But after calculating the Math and short attention span I possessed , its never right for me to start subscribing for one.

I guess my emotions haven't go through turbulence ( yet ) ( but not hoping for one blergh ) , I am happy with whom I am spending my time with at the moment. Well even I am pissed off, I no longer want to invest energy for matters concerning feelings * flip hair * * feelin empowered as ever *

Last week I told A, I think I told him for few times already, that each time we're talking to each other, or maybe whenever he's too busy to take my call ( note with very obvious time differences ) , I would always tell myself that ' Maybe this is the last time' 'He's no longer interested' and immediately I would say ' Lets hurt myself even way before the other party do' .

I can't believe it that it's been like many many many * wouldn't say how long keh keh * that we've been constantly talking and updating our life. Sharing all the ugly parts without the fear of him leaving. 

Like if he does, then he's free to do so. But regardless, he stayed despite tons of ugly thinking on my side. 

I had this ongoing battle of accepting on how worth it I am as a person. Such battle has been constantly labelled as complicated in the past. and I came to accept that I'm complicated.

I questioned my attractiveness level to people , that overtimes it brings down my confidence level , that even with constant assurance, the battle seems to be forever and ongoing. I am reminded of A who said, 

I wish I am there to make you know that you're the most attractive person I ever know ( well I do rephrase this to make it sound dramatic wakakkaka but what to do , this is how it resonates inside my head * notes for A in case he's reading, which I know he will ) 

well you're bias. *still haha hence I can't take your words into my consideration HA-HA BYEEEEEE xx

Love, the'ann