off being prejudice.

I SWEAR THIS HAS BEEN INSIDE THE DRAFT FOR THE LONGEST PERIOD OF TIME T.T 

because I've been thinking and pondering as a result to countering this whole post ; and the amount of notes I randomly write at whatever form of papers found (be it my notebook / unused papers found in my room / on my table in the office)

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prejudice

/ˈprɛdʒʊdɪs/

noun

1. preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.

and guess who has been preconceived by endless amount of opinions from people to people that had indirectly affect on how I behave / how I reacted being around the person. 

And its just so sad to see myself let all these pre-judgement prevails before allowing myself to get to know the person / to experience myself dealing with the person.

Not that I reacted negatively ( on the outside ) but it obviously bares me from getting to know the person personally due to all the 'hear-say' stories I've been receiving from people around me. I used to be someone who's aware of all the pre-judgements , and to only allow it to become my own belief and stand once I've encountered the event that verify the earlier judgement.

But nowadays, drawing such boundaries ain't that easy anymore.

and its even worse when I have to deal with such situation with someone , lets name that someone X ( unknown to public but well known to myself ha-ha ) whom I need to work very closely with.

since I've been allowing all the pre-judgement prevails based on the stories I heard about X , and due to that - I've cautioned myself too much that I hardly be comfortable being around X. . Its a real struggle to actually delete all the prevailed pre-judgement I had about X , that I constantly need to remind my own self to be a fair person, to let down my unnecessary guards .

X is known for being hard and stern , when it came before me that in some occasions , X had that sides that is easy to be approached where I failed to notice earlier as I am being prejudice . 

But to my defence [ HAHA ] not to say all the pre-judgement not valid, as it was a result to some other people personal experience dealing with X. they said ' Masakan pokok bergoyang kalau tiada angin ? ' wow wow Najwa I'm szo impressed with myself HAHA

BUT, MIND THAT everyone is entitled to feel whatever their feelings are, and to react accordingly to their feelings and not judged for feeling so. 

Its only my personal opinion , as an individual who can only have control over my own action and own feelings, I should have been more careful myself and to be reminded , that different people have different degree of tolerance + surrounding + stuck in that certain impression as the event and displeasing encounter was unfortunate enough to happen.

Lesson learnt , in many many ways, your behavior are continuously judged and brought forward from mouth to mouth, which people will also be prejudice towards you like wayyyyy before they know your personally. 

You in some ways, building repo's through the stories passed from someone to someone. THAT IF they pass something good.  And sadly, you can't stop someone from bringing whatever information they received, which you hardly verify the truth 

You can be either the one who receive the info and keep it to yourself or be the one who choose to either brought forward the words around. 

I can't help on being the one who receive it as sometimes I am stuck in the situation, but god forbids that I should try my very best to be the one who carry the words around. . I mean sometimes when it become too common,  it slips through your tongue as everyone else is doing it and it feels totally okay for you to do so - when the truth is , it should not be okay. As Allah says its not okay. 

I break so many rules, straying myself away from Allah in many sense that it goes up to a point where my heart be so senseless. It saddens me of course, that the sin that you do doesn't tickle your heart / burdens it. It is sad that something you've been preaching and practicing years back, has been continuously abandoned. 

That I know the only solution to it is to crawl back to Him. 

To force myself to do whatever it takes for Him to lend me a bit of the ability to make the good and bad distinct from one another. 

To make feel its not okay when I did something not okay and otherwise. And to crawl means to force myself to make judgement based on what I've learned and the values that were being taught all these years. 

it includes certain degree of restraining from my conscious side. To restrain myself from using people as a subject matter in a conversation. with hopes that such efforts are being counted. 

this phase of life reminds me off the last short reminder from my kakak usrah in the UK 

Jaga Allah, Allah akan jaga kita. 

surely, someone has been continuosly lacking  :( banyak sangat hak Allah yang tak tertunai dan tidak dijaga :( 

* * * 

like the Empire that stands, but has significantly looses its value.

Granada, Spain March 2015

Love, the'ann