thank you 2019

I think this should be a good time for me to be writing this down. I've drafted a post few days becak thinking that my year has ended earlier , to find that I am pretty occupied for the past one week, and it gave me a good ample time to be reflecting over my life generally. 

It has been 319 days since I embarked into this whole new journey of building myself professionally , and I guess there's just so many parts of working that I am very grateful for , for the past few months ever since day 1. And I may say that its a huge chunk of episode in the 25 years of Anis Najwa living. And they're portrayed well in most of my very little posts in 2019. It has now went down from multiple posts per month to having only one per month. I think it was partly affected by the existence of instagram , where writing thoughts are much easier there as it was easily accessed. 

But still I treasure the existence of the blog, if not to anyone, its for myself to see how my perspective changes over the years, some days I missed myself in the past but over times I am grateful for who I am today. 

From having such a bumpy emotional ride in 2018 - I knew I was not the best version of myself last year, it was raging on the inside that I am struggling financially , emotionally disturbed , and life are just so uncertain that I had to learn to live with such uncertainties. And for the fact that it was a bumpy journey, my head keeps wanting to escape missing the life I had in the UK , but I was broke that I had to stay on the ground. Stuck. 

2019 starts off with a successful reply from the chambers , after being turned down by two firms for pupillage. I never thought that I would make it but regardless, I am thankful for the opportunity. 

Then February onwards is about adapting to the new life. 

To March where they placed me in Melaka for my first posting, its weird that it has been years since I am away physically from home. 

To later in between , I made an order to purchase a car for me to be able to function better since my work demands me to be moving around. And I can't afford a bull cart haha ( I am reminded of a story of albino buffalo loooool ) 

To May , the day after my birthday , where I got my first big hire-purchase in life , that will make me so broke on my 26th birthday next year haha

To July where I maned up ( or maybe woman up ? haha ) to be the parents to my siblings as my parents performed Hajj for 40 days. It wasn't easy as I was being extra cautious and extra worried for heck one whole month. 

and for the rest of the second half of the year, progressively learning and adapting with this new life. I sadly didn't remember any vivid from the rest of the months ( I loose my rhythm of writing already help ) 

Oh ya my best friends got married, gave birth , I mean it could be everything a 25 year old should be experiencing , and I am here, watching where life leads me to next ? 

Regardless, 

there are many things I am very grateful for the year. 

Yesterday , unlike everybody else who went for holiday and had no scheduled trials, I had very long days in court. And I sort of foresee the same would happen today that I got really torn out early morning because I know its another long day ahead of mine. and indeed it was. 

My mood were not helping either as I was sobbing hard last night because something came up. Then it goes down to the simplest gesture of being offered with a cup of coffee by my kakak jurubahasa. 

I mean I was never a coffee person, but such gesture brings so much warmth to my heart. 

god knows how teary I am on the inside because my heart was raging that I wanted to rest but it was so tiring and dreading. 

and I loved it , how my 2019 ended. 

because its just a very rare occasion. 

Resolutions? 

Its not that I am not hopeful of many things for the 26th year of my life. But there's only a thing I see now. I wanted to make up my time with Quran. It saddens me that I am off the track for many months, that reciting went a bit rusty and slow, all I ever wanted is for my heart to be present and grounded.

I ask Allah to make me the sensitive person again, to be able to reconnect with Quran. I wanted to make my Quran date as frequent as before, even though it takes me to be forcing myself each time now. 

and I guess that's it , that I earnestly want for my 2020. that suffice Allah alone to all my desires and hopes, that I won't put those in the hand of humans. Because yknow human breaks intentionally or not. 

To Love, the'ann