slipped to jahiliyyah.

July 11, 2015

After going through a tormenting days sebab I am getting upset for benda benda yang tak patut untuk aku rasa upset with , finally I got a grip about myself , thinking yang sebenarnya lama dah aku tak affected with this frustrating never ending issues , which to say yang my days back in the UK , aku susah sangat nak rasa messed up with these things ( which mainly concerns about human being ) , sebab aku pun akui yang I was an easily affected person when it comes to human-human relationship , tapi sebanyak mana kali pun aku affected dengan manusia ni , aku akan macam owh snap berhenti , this seems worthless to me  and to my time plus all the jumbled emotions. Surprisingly and alhamdulillah sepanjang a year in Cardiff aku tak rasa aku jumpa moments macam ni which aku ingat aku dah cukup kebal dengan issue macam ni , but not that I wish it to happen again , balik menapak tanah melayu , I was once again, affected lagi dan lagi. 

because according to my personality it matters , I wish it doesn't really matter. 

I once thought I got my emotions upside down sebab result , ( alhamdulillah result baik baik je insyaAllah  :) survived first year with pretty good grade to ma eyes haha alhamdulillah :D ) , tapi bila dapat result , I was still in that fasa macam sedih tak tentu hala , i kept writing which indicates my sad emotion tengah dekat level high ) 

But this morning , sebenarnya I realized a thing , aku rasa messed up ni sebab I , in my concious , slipped back to my jahiliyyah mode ( you name it , no constant tarbiyah well I am not even making any move to remind myself , I did reflect on quran phrases but one second hadam one second kelaut , this is really upsetting and that's not one , banyak lagi but I guess whats the point of listing your aib , well in this case , my bad is my aib and when Allah covers it for you , banyak ruang Dia nak bagi for you to reflect and repent  sendiri ) though sebenarnya bila kat rumah ni takde pun banyak tengok benda lagha cth dekat , korea dan kengkawan , but if its to be the only indicator to jahiliyyah , kira kau dah takdelah tergelincir dari jalan ni , but yeah it fails to be the one and only indicator , so yeah. 

and aku rasa main answer on why aku tak affected with issue remeh ni masa dekat sana is because my life is so filled up with many good things , surrounded by good vibes , bukan aku tak mampu nak create the vibe here , its hard. 

pastilah aku sedih dengan tahap sedar ni pun tergelincir , my biggest fear now turns into a reality. 

dulu before balik , aku takut sebab tak mampu nak kekalkan the learning I've been going through sepanjang sembilan bulan plus minus dekat luar negara. Indeed this summer test menduga aaa , paling sedih is bila kita tak rasa pun terduga tu , rasa macam selesa sebab balik ke keadaan asal / lama . Your winter spring classes tak berkesan pun dekat ujian musim panas ni. Memang sudah sedari awal sedia maklum yang ujian musim panas ni cukup cukup menduga , and bila kau dah in that phase ujian , kau nyata aaa sedar yang benda ni tak main main punya susah ( emoticon nangis berjuraian air mata ) 

tergolek. 

why slipped to jahiliyyah , why slipped , sebab aku dah in that phase yang tergelincir , dan orang yang tergelincir masa berjalan ni , choice dia ada lepas dia tergelincir is to get back on track and berhati hati dengan steps dia , sebab dia tahu dia dah pun keluar track before tu , and biasa bila kita slipped ni , sakit kot , emosi terkejut , kaki pun sakit , kot lagi menderas air dalam jalan jahiliyyah tu , lagi dengan badan badan kita ikut sakit ,  and aku jugak harap fasa sedar sebab tahu sakitnya rasa tergelincir balik dalam dunia jahiliyyah ni kekal , untuk aku terus alert.

Najwa. 
susah tak bermaksud payah
tergelincir tak bermaksud hanyut. 
get a grip. Usahaaa , push yourself , filled your days with constant reminders , put yourself in a positive vibes surrounding. Allah indeed tahu kau usaha macam mana , and moga pulangan yang Allah bagi tu menandingi usaha yang kau usahakan. Struggle macam mana kau struggle academically , rohani semua kena sama balance sister. 

moga tak tergelincir , lagi dan lagi. 

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