I'm not liking who I became for the past few weeks. I used to feel happy when I'm detaching from these whole idea of being 'social' in the virtual world which that include the 'me' who love to store things in writing , hence the reason why I kinda abandoned this blog
Well actually bila run through balik the days in the past , I'm actually fitting in a quite good pace tapi still not achieving the satisfactory part. Something is missing and unfortunately I don't know who - what - why and having this kind of feeling is definitely not to my liking
even creating a tittle for a post is such a hard thing to do !
( najwa hambar level negatif )
so dalam banyak banyak benda yang berlaku sepanjang nak dekat dua bulan dekat Cardiff ni , satu benda kot yang masih tertulis dalam kepala dok rewind dari last week is when I came across Ar Ra'd masa ber-Ayyash last week ( psst Ayyash is my usrah group name ) ( kewl kids joins usrah ) ( tetiba haha )
" Senangnya Allah nak pujuk hati ni "
For the past few months jugak aku draft banyak benda konon macam wishlist second year - antaranya ialah cut contact with people , this girl here knows that one source of her happiness is always humans , however according to her past , her ego which are not that high sebenarnya , and stigma ( I came across this word A LOT DALAM LABOUR LAW * muntah jap * ) yang human literally disappoint and it aligned with what she experience hence cutting contact with people which I literally did. How can I even have a wishlist of cutting contacts at the first place I wonder ( emoticon mata senget sebelah ahhahaha muka mencebik )
Adalah satu fasa tu memang macam I read all kinds of conversation but choose to stay in silent sebab this painful feeling I had inside me , memang rasa macam intoxicated habis masa tu , like this one harmful toxic possessed my body and memang rasa macam jahat ya ampun lols padahal kadang no one even bother pun kau ada tak ( hahahahah still with the thoughts ) ( still ) ( harmful )
all those feelings of being abandoned + the one who usually initiates + yang selalu shamelessly rindu dulu + the one who starts + yang selalu rasa syok sendiri = which nak tak nak kau indirectly rasa macam gave up sebab no one ever notices you ( first ) in their life because you're never their choice to tells stories or anything . It was all piling up jadi stress and I guess I meet the boiling point takat tahap didih manusia and burst (like every time ) ( like a depressed person ) ( but admitting that I was depressed sounds like I fail to take control over myself ) ( sounds like so human ) ( but still , you're a human najwa )
and I decided to just shut myself off. Like that
Tapi Allah jumpakan dengan ayat yang maybe I've came acrossed before since I bookmarked one ayat from the same page ( 13:28 dengan mengingati Allah , hati akan menjadi tenang ) , through someone else , it affects me tahap macam
why I bother being so egoistic just because of the crossed equation above ?!
sebab He consoled me even way before my existence : Nota bukan nota kaki : note that this is how I personally understand and perceive the ayat ( tadabbur )
right from 13:19 - up till 13:28 ( berdebuk debuk tergolek * golek lagi atas jalan tar * )
right on my face , just right on MA FACE ! right on your face gurlsz !
(ingat nak copy paste ayat dalam internet but it happened that the translations gives me different kind of vibes compared to the wording dalam Quran sendiri , perhaps its my eyes being choosy haha )
All of sudden rasa macam chilled gila dengan ayat ayat ni , because all these while , of being the one yang initiate , yang menyambungkan well at least I felt that mungkin tak pada orang lain , is what Allah wants me to do , untuk jadi orang yang Allah kata " berakal sempurna " tu , dia antara ciri ciri orang tu ialah " yang menyambungkan apa yang perlu disambungkan " ie a relationship , name it , friendship / relation of anything , bahasa puitisnya 'silaturahim '
and for being those who disconnect , the person must expect bad rewards for being so ( 13: 25 )
What is it of being ego all these while ?
" Tak pernah pun salah jadi orang yang selalu give in dulu , tak pernah pun its a shameful thing if you're the one yang selalu initiate something , yang rasa you're giving more love more than anyone , and its okay for being the one who start the conversation breaking the silence , being the random one , being the one that thinks " amende aku nak bual dengan dia ni" but still choose to say hi and talk about everything. Sebab that is what we , humans shall do . "
Being ego leads you no where , entahlah , mungkin aku spesies manusia yang tak berapa nak kental dengan motion motion friendship ni , ego mungkin once in the greymoon ( since moon always grey ) ( so being egoistic happen like all the time ) ( ahahhahahahhha my logic ) makes you feel HAHH PUAS HATI AKU , but often - it harms you more > more > more , I dont know how it might affect you being surely in most cases , it affects you negatively? yay? nay?
so in case , we're sharing the same kind of shoes , being in the same kind of boat -
I'm writing this down sebab aku rasa ada je orang yang share the same feeling , and my way of being healed was through Ar Ra'd , it was the thunder that struck inside my head , connected terpanah masuk hati aicewah hahahha :p
Make your heart at rest , kalau takde siapa yang pujuk , kalau takde siapa yang bother , He consoles You , even way before your existence dalam dunia. Its okay being the first in initiating , yang give in , yang gave up your own feeling , yang apologize first , yang mengalah dulu , because you're definitely , definite ( ni bukan aku pun janji , ni Allah janji ) in the list of orang yang akal dia sempurna , orang yang Allah expect a human to be ( in what way ) and expect je aaa a never ending good rewards for being the one :)
I in the past , in fact sekarang pun kenkadang tu , never felt how powerful Allah words are tahap consoling yang terkesan sampai hati. But this time around , this is , one of the page in Quran that amused me , heals me ( completely insyaAllah ) , maybe I was messed up by all these negative thoughts and tak pernah sekali pun jumpa jalan keluar on this issue , sebab by the time I choose to speak up , kadang was still ignored and again all the negative vibes and thoughts running actively inside the head.
But not anymore kot sekarang. Tah. ( k boleh la menangis sat ahhahaha ) ( sebab I let it out ) ( sebab I'm able to write the exact feeling I'm feeling inside me ) ( again ) ( after all the hanging post )
ps ; I'm writing this down during a sleepless night , I got my power sleep right after isyak ( isyak sekarang kat kardipp pukul ( even earlier than ) 6.00pm - Idk winter starts or winter approaching but the night is longer than the day - this never make sense to me masa belajar geog dulu hahaha alhamdulillah Allah bagi rasa )
they said it was your heart speaking pepagi camni ( kuiiii ) amboi level 98