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Its been a while since I'm writing something here in the blog. I hardly see myself using the laptop these days, its always there beneath the layers of the books which some points I thought I should trade it into a lighter perhaps notebook? But in the meantime, many things have changed and its already April.

By the time I'm writing this down, I am no longer working and have vowed myself to focus on my studying. Day one of me not working which was last Monday, I accomplished few things which I've listed in my lists to do ( for few weeks ) which to plan on my revision and actually doing a positive steps to it. And the feelings of ticking the lists to do is just so satisfying. And I am still adjusting with this free kind of life MIA-HA-HA

This morning I was reading through passages of Ar-Rum and it came to me the phrases of ' When  you're tested with a challenging situation, you prayed to Him to ease your ways and when it what lifted from you, you gone far astray ' and to the very end of the page Allah speaks about the damage done in this world is due to the greediness of human , by the human hands ' .

I don't know precisely on why exactly this phrases kinda like hit me at the moment , I'm feeling a bit passive today and my heart is just burdened by something I don't wish to share here. 

And at this particular point in life, I feel like I've done so many damages to people's heart that I don't feel deserved to be loved at all. And its like the inner me who wanted to push people away and start building my walls. I think I always have that coward side of me who wanted to stay in a very high walls concealing everything within myself, my feelings, my rage, my disappointment.  Its like a safeguard I created, to feel at ease myself. It scares me that I went (too) vulnerable with humans, because I know human expects thing, human break things even they don't intend to.

This feels like a forever battles I'm in. Its been a while since I had this side of me. I guess now is one of the toughest point - where I feel the need to shut myself off from the world and focus on things I need to do. 

of course studying for CLP is just one big chunk of worry that fills 96.45 % of my brain. It worries me when I did my evidence revision last night and I don't think I am able to finish one decent answer for it. It worries me so bad, but I decided to go for something easier and from there, I know I'm at least progressing? 

in case you're reading this up to this point of writing, I hope that you can offer me prayers that my life will be eased and insyaAllah reflected to you in the same best manner? 

( I know that the emotion I am having while writing this down is just sad and burdened ) hence pray for me that these I-don't-know what burden will be lifted from me? Thank you. 

 ...the'ann