May , detaching and moving on.
* I can't get rid of Lady Antebellum - Need You Now from my head , HELP MEEEEEE * * I am bad with fancy tittles nowadays *
Looking back, its almost a year since I got back from the UK, and obviously my attachment was just way way too high that I overlooked its been months since I start a new life in Malaysia.
Whenever the sun is subtly killing me, I wonder how good is the cold breeze back in the UK. Its not just about the weather, its about every feelings I savoured being there T.T
I guess the memories of the UK seems to be over-flooding inside my head since yesterday when I attended a senior's wedding. And its one wedding I have been looking forward to go since I am always occupied during weekend hence I miss hell lots of weddings. Its been forever too since I wanted to eat a wedding food ( lol weird one this Najwa I tell you )
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| The familiar faces I met in the UK during daurah. With people that will share the 'talam makan' and catching up. People who walk in the same journey as yours, possibly the people who understands your struggles, because they're in the same kind of shoes, Bata ( tetiba haha ) |
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| Forever will be loving this one, my Wales and South West family - wishing the others to be here too. ps I always love my smiling eyes BAHAHAHA |
Today I came across a captioned picture that says , try and do planking for 1 minute, then you will realize there's actually 60 seconds in a minute, HA-HA no wonder time flies so fast for me 😆, I can only do a flat planking which we called tummy time HA-HA and such flat planking can last for hours miahahaha.
And as I was scrolling my instagram, there's at least 39 posts I made since I got back from the UK ( well that's a lot considering I don't do much travelling lol ) , and most of it is about people and significant events which you can tell from the captions.
I tried so hard to make the caption as short as I can, but I guess lets not try being someone not you. Well because after all its always me who will go through the posts again, reminiscing about the old good and bad days.
Knowing myself, I am never good with detaching, got overly attached for something , be it place or person. Certainly its not easy peasy kind of journey since I got back, I continued doing my professional paper and now we're in our revision period already ( and I am clearly still lacking )
Back in Cardiff, of course distance is something we got to tolerate after all, distance do really make the heart grow fonder , being far from home 'Malaysia' , but I am blessed with a walking-distance journey from home to school.
But now you got to spend a bit for the public and to do extra walking ( which I am both good and bitter about it ) , sometimes we got soaked in the rain despite having that classiest umbrella I bought from MyNews haha , sometimes I wish to wear my winter coats but I don't think I look wise enough in such attire
Its true then when people said
'Hujan emas di negeri orang , hujan batu di negeri sendiri
Well now the question is , adakah lebih baik di negeri sendiri?
Every seconds I tried to figure ways I am able to be far away again, when you're far away, I guess I had this automatic special button that clings more on Him, putting my trust way way higher, because I am leaving my parents ,my families in Allah's hand to take care of them. I worry a lot thinking about their well-being , and my sudden homesickness of being far.
I wanted to see the world, embracing different cultures, to learn more , meet new people , to be part of minority in a land far away from home - because being minority taught you to be thoughtful and careful with whatever things you're doing. Because such fear won't be intimidating if you're a part of the majority.
I wanted to continue the good feelings I experienced for the past three years.
Regardless of the imagination , what am I doing now is certainly grounding myself in Malaysia 😅
I can really tell that I am not really settling down since the day I got back from the UK ( my idea of settling down is to stay at a place and work things from there , since I am moving from places to places, and I haven't sort my stuff yet, some is still in boxes ( I know I know please be judgy please ) , because after for many many many years this Najwa is not home for a long time ( the last time I could remember is 6 months ) , I don't really own my own room , hence I don't have my own closet.
Till I sort my life with all these exams, I let the stuff to stay in boxes or bags. ( so later if I need to move places *again* it will be easier huh haha )
I haven't settled for a decent job too , I envied people at my age who's now working and earning good money.
I did land on a job which is what I am venturing into in the future, its one of the pathway in my field, but I know for certain its not the area I wanted to be in, at least during my youth time.
But after all I got to consider that I am studying and I can't be moving around and loosing focus in class. Though I had the feelings of being underpaid ( You can have it a guess , somebody said I was paid like 2k and above for the knowledge and level of expertise I possessed - I am rolling on the floor like a sausage roll ) for my qualifications. I know people said to not be choosy for your first job , but really, can't I be ? Can't all of us be?
But I had to settle for that earlier, as it matches my schedule and that was perhaps one of a decision that I need to take . Well I put some of my thoughts on this in earlier posts isn't it.
At the moment I felt burdened by the fact that I haven't received my last salary yet and its been almost a month since I left , I have been projecting savings and whatnot , but as for now everything got messed up and I have no courage to speak things up T.T . In case you're reading up to this point, please pray for the well-being of the figures in my account T.T , at the very least enough for me to sustain a good breathing life in that hassle city ameeen.
When you think you live a hard life, somebody out there are living a real hard life.
Be grateful Najwa be grateful.
Its May already ! The favourite month of the year ! After few years of not celebrating birthdays in Malaysia , here I am again. Ha-ha but usually birthday at home doesn't seems so good. I remembered all the sourness of emotions I had to experience whenever I celebrated birthday at home HA-HA maybe you had all the expectations and its crashed.
I had, weirdly put up MAY RESOLUTIONS in my notebook , because I am living a very laid back life , unmotivated ugh you know that feelings of not motivated but you still need to move forward with revisions.
With hopes that I'll stick to the resolutions and I am for now. *except for running on the threadmill lol lol*
I guess enough of ramblings ey. I write more often these days, which is one of the sign of emotion depriving.
But nevermind I am not deceiving myself ( waving hands like a Princess ) , I am sad , its okay to be sad, bahahhaha but I am not clear why I am sad. Perhaps because of this detaching phase I am facing now. Maybe. Just maybe.
Well I miss the motivated Anis Najwa , come back , come back * Rose saying come back to Jack scene * haha
My lecturer said, time to leave your life you're living in now and dedicate IT ALL for CLP because its going to be worth it. Ugh another detaching ey.
Anyway I had a dream last night, I saw a big long snakes entering my house. You know a dream seems significant when you still remember the details of it when you wake up. Despite its size, its not poisonous as there's this one scene my mom ask the snake to bite her ( and she's living well ) and the snake is gentle too. But its just me who got intimidated by the presence of the snake .
So being Najwa , I looked up online on its meaning. Many websites with references to scholars refers to different meanings, some says somebody will come to the house and be a blessing for everyone , and some suggests otherwise. Regardless of it, please pray for the well-being of my families and me insyaAllah.
Love, the'ann
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