Struggles to conceal

Today marked the first month of me not tweeting anything. Maybe this , back in 2000 never came across in anyone’s mind that it will become a struggle but it is my struggle. I struggled to detach myself from expressing. 

Some people find that not expressing feelings or thoughts anywhere is easy peasy kind of thing like it’s not even bothering but to me , I acknowledged it as my very own struggle to face in life , which to conceal thoughts and feelings to be kept to just myself. Even when I’m writing this down , there are many things that is happening inside my life yet I’ve become much much comfortable at keeping it with just relevant people. And most importantly to just me. 

I have many close friends but I would say some things are meant to be just between you and the people who’s relevant to the subject matter. This detaching period applies to the life on social media’s as well as detachment from human beings. 

Today , there’s this one question that appears before me that asked “ What’s your biggest fear ?” Of course I have different kind of fears that I hardly scale it ( maybe biggest applies to two or three of those fears HA HA but my answer to that question , is attachments to people who come and leave. Applicable to those who’re staying too haha 

It becomes one of my biggest fear that I included in every of my prayers , five times in a day that I’m being so hopeless for not being able to control it - that He removes all kind of attachment to humans , and to channel the hopes and desires to Him alone.

 Previously when I included the phrase in my prayers , I did not mention about channeling the attachment to the Al mighty and one day I thought , someday I may not cling on human but I may cling on other tangible things , like how I used to have this attachment to papers ( and whatever seems similar ) because I believe papers etc take all my rants down and not being judgemental , and it can be worrying at points where I don’t put my 100% trust on Him hence the second part of the phrase was included. 

Why detaching myself ? Because I’ve loved myself enough to not let people break it as they wish. Suddenly I’m reminded of Suhaib Rumi’s writing that says about the heart being whole on its own that it’s just our figurative mind that says it breaks.

 I’m a person who has thousands of negative thoughts inside my head that sometimes I choose to push people away because it’s way too complicated to be understood - that overtimes I wished that Allah will defy every single negative thoughts I had with the things I see with the people I met and the surrounding I live. I don’t want to accept overthinking as normal thinking cycle for a woman though even without accepting , I’m overthinking haha 

I’m learning that concealing emotions is a part and parcel of intensifying a feeling and thoughts. That concealing bares people from having your life as subject matters in their conversation. 

Whatever struggles you’re facing at the moment , acknowledge it by not belittling . It’s made for you , specially for you to experience and learn from it. It may be nothing to many but you don’t need many to be something .. Like how do this make sense ahah 

Night night - to the first month and many more 🐌

Love, the'ann