bitter.

Can you readers let me be negative in this post, I just wanted to let go of this feeling that has been tying me down for the past few weeks. I know that in order for me to combat these feelings is by counting the blessings I am blessed with in life, but I just wanted to be a vulnerable human today. 

I was waiting for my laptop to turn on but it took me around 20 minutes for the screen to popup , I guess my brother has been installing things that seems very alien to me that now the loading time seems so frustrating. 

I am already feeling so low, and now I am unable to use the medium I usually use to pour my heart out. I guess it doesn't stop there , when I finally got into blogger and start typing, my keyboard keeps typing * for no apparent reason. It happens before that I've sorted it out and now its happening again at one of the crucial time, at the time that my heart seems burning to write something inside here.

I'm one frustrated creature. 

Now I am using my mom's laptop. I am looking forward to change mine, but the big Q is always about the money. 

I don't know if I need to take a break from the social media now, or shutting myself off from the public generally. I felt so low when I see people working , building life and sustaining it while I am in a phase of still struggling with getting myself a job. I think one of the contemplation by the employers that are hiring before I received my result was to whether I don't want to pursue as an advocate and solicitor when I choose to apply for the job ( most of it is for Legal Executives ) , often I'll be truthful that yes I do see myself pursuing this legal career as a lawyer , hence its clearly a full stop to the application. 

Then here comes the result, precisely a month ago and I've been forwarding applications to the big firms first , as I wanted to try to challenge myself, apart from wanting a full service law firms as I wanted to learn more things in the pupillage period. 

Went to two interviews and to date, I'm rejected by both.  I know for certain I didn't attain the standard they wanted, but at the same time I was trying to console myself , that rejection could be the fairest thing that happened to you. They rejected you because you're not up to the standard they wanted - that putting you in the position when you're unfit can be jeopardizing. 

I see myself planning ahead on the portion of 'imaginary' salary that I'll receive in the future, not knowing where or whom will employ me. It frustrates me when I saw the 11.11 sales going on and see how people buy stuff including my siblings, but knowing my current financial status, I don't have enough money to be spent on leisure things , even for something that falls under the category of 'need' rather than 'desire' , I honestly unable to afford them. 

Then comes the people who's in relationship , changing statuses - and I saw myself being incompetent at sustaining a relationship. Its either to hard to sustain, or I am under the overthinker column, that constantly feeling that I am failing this. It goes up to the point where I think I should break my own heart before someone else break it. I thought, it should be less painful. 

All those mantras of I'm better off alone - lets distance myself - you're no longer someone's priority in life ; I keep chanting them inside my heart , and hopefully the head too. That somedays I had to literally put my hand on my chest while sobbing non stop, asking Allah for his mercies to take away every kind of attachment that I had for humans particularly. 

Despite facing these heartbreaking moments, I saw people coming to me for advises concerning the same matter, so I'll tell them the things I desperately want to hear in this phase. Because its just hard for me to reach a human and pour everything out. Maybe partly because I am aware of the risks I took for loving someone - that heartbreak is just one of it , and the tendencies get higher with expectations. 

These kind of times makes me badly want to be in the UK, turning back the time. Back to when cash flow is never a question, and back to the me who couldn't care less for being alone and empowered. 

I feel bad for feeling bad for all the reasons above, because I acknowledged that many other people out there had a rougher ride compared to mine, longer time of being unemployed. 

For relationship wise, I knew many out there wish that they never get involved in the marriage when things went wrong, that here I am Allah is only breaking my heart , no official ties breaking, no children in between to be considered in contemplation of decisions. 

I reminded myself that its one of the subtlest way of showing his love and mercies, or even answers to your prayers. I can't be expecting Allah to come in my dream, showing series of wahyu isn't it. Its perhaps a sign. That I , in many many points, should be grateful for it. 

I don't want to sound like an ungrateful brat, who's life is so blessed in many sense but she choose to acknowledge just the hard part of it. Writing this down has actually helped me to feel better, though the bitterness is still there, unhealed. Well my readers here has been constantly decreasing and its somehow a very good sign for me as I am much much free to let things out - but hopefully at the same people who're still reading is able to reflect on the same thing. At the very least, it will make me feel better that it may be beneficial to an individual. 

Hopefully everything will get better in time. Ameen. 

Love, the'ann