Off The Mad Fat Diary and being kind...

Here I am , writing again.  

Again with someone else's laptop because when you're home, your stuff is basically not yours, it is silently agreed ( though I 99.99% disagree most of the time ) , now I hardly touch my own laptop because my brother is working on his project, and nowadays he brought it out without me knowing. 

Same goes to the expensive Green Tea oil whatevs toothpaste I bought for myself because I had problematic gums - to someday finding the tube almost empty. 

Well of course the culprits ( read my brothers ) wouldn't admit to the crime. I couldn't bother bringing the basket with my bathing sets into and out the bathroom, oh yeah I had to keep the scrub I bought since its looking interesting for my brothers to use HAHA . 

This is one of the thing I have to adapt with being in Malaysia, particularly when I am home, not working YET ( ugh frustrated creature ) . With a pretty big family , sharing is perhaps one of the thing I am very familiar with, that sometimes if my brothers or sister did not ask for a bite of a hamburger I am eating, it feels, weird and suspicious. HAHA okay enough of ranting lets get back to why I writing today. 

Oh that mad fat diary !

Before I start with all the rantings because its kinda burning inside me - I went for an interview at the Attorney General Chamber last Monday. I think I did say , maybe somewhere inside the blog that I would love to see myself as a prosecutor , and the interview is the golden ticket for me to make that dream a reality. 

Hence I spent quite some times reflecting on the reasons, WHY. But for now, I don't wish to reveal those yet ( I mean on the reasons why, though I've spilled the beans to some people haha , but I will be grateful if you'll pray for me, on this one. 

Now back to the original intention of why this post is written down ;

I am thinking whether I am living a very monotonous life , so I decided to give the Mad Fat Diary on E4 a go. 

Particularly because I saw clips on facebook showing how that charming Fin fall in love Rae. Maybe I was being in fantasies as well, because I saw Rae as me, partly because of the physical connotations...wait till the second series, I am just so mad at her that I need to finish the seven episodes fast so I can see Rae clear up the mess she made haha what an excuse isn't it.

I am never into series before, but an exception applies to This Is Us  and that super series of Upin Ipin , I am fun liddat. And this Mad Fat Diary. I am so surprised that I fall into the series trap darn it thank god its only 16 episodes, I vowed 45 minutes x 16 episodes of my life ahaks. 

Little that I know the series offer more than just charming Fin because they HAD SO LITTLE OF HIM IN THE SCENES WHY GIVE ME MORE OF FINNNNNN ( but yet the charming ones hehe ) 

The series basically is about Rae recovering from , I would saw one kind of depression where she voluntarily hurt herself, major factor that contributed to that is because of her physical. Which I seems can relate , because I may have faced such situation eg verbal bullies - low self esteem , but I am thankful that my coping mechanism towards people's behavior is functioning accordingly. It does deprive my emotions in many sense, but again I am so thankful that it does not affect much my personality. 

Prior to watching this I had trouble to understand on how a person with no depression to deal with depression of others. Hence most of the time I would not see myself discussing anything about it , because I am afraid that I will mistreat everything. Maybe because I don't have much knowledge - maybe not enough compassion as well. 

While watching the series, can't help but I keep cursing how stupid or negative Rae is, I just don't understand why she has to react the way she reacted. But at the end to find myself thinking , that yeah I still don't know how to deal with people with depression, maybe for now if I am encountering one, I will only able to extend help and sympathy by offering my shoulders to lean or my ears to listen. 

Then it got me thinking, how to raise a child with the same coping mechanism as I had back then, will my child able to cope given such situation happened in her life - like what if I will get my mini version of Rae because if I positioned myself as Rae's mother, I my 87.6 % sure that couldn't handle her. WELPPPPP T.T

There are certain parts in the story that got me buffer longer in thinking - when Rae reads Chloe's diary in one of the episodes in the 2nd series and it intrigues me on how different people portrays one event differently. We write in diary to basically store the memories, that fabricating the events may not be a very smart of motive on why diary exist at the first place UNLESS the diary is meant to fabricated for God knows why . 

Rae  and Chloe saw the scene in different perspective , and at one point it makes Rae realized on how self-centered she was that she fails to be a good mate to Chloe. Maybe all these while everyone sees her as the sick one, she felt that she's a victim to every kind of situation, that someone like Chloe with good build , good face , wealthy families a.ka perfect in every senses wouldn't face experience anything bad. 

She sees Rae as a perfect human being - always throwing jokes, that someone good as Fin likes Rae , that men always see or attracted to Chloe because of her figure and that's it. Well I guess, that could be depriving to someone's self esteem isn't it. 

While Rae felt that she's very unlucky, people around her perceives her differently. At the very beginning I thought Chloe is that kind of pretty-face-bi**h kind of attitude ,  that I see bad motives beneath her act ( or was it her acting that makes me feel that way haha ) but it turns out that she's very genuine, fragile as Rae does, but yeah, as what Rae said in one of the episode, Chloe is good at holding her emotions. 

I guess what Rae has been going through in her teenage years especially when you're 16 , identity crisis, self esteem , physical worries all that could happen in everyone's life and its just the way someone coping and reacting to it, that matters. 

I love that one part when Rae breaks out , throwing fit to Kester, her therapist on HOW and WHEN she's going to love herself when Kester provides no practical solutions to it despite saying it for numerous of times that Rae should start loving herself. 

Then Kester asked this question on how do Rae pictures herself in three words, 

Rae said, Ugly - Fat - An Embarrassment  

Kester : When did you start to have such thoughts about yourself?

Rae : Since I was 9/10 years old... 

Kester : I want you to picture a 9/10 year old you over there at that couch , and tell her in her face that she's ugly , that she's fat , that she's an embarrassment  

Rae refused and sobbed " I can't..." 

Kester : Then what you're going to say to her?  

" She's fine... she's really fine "

wehhhhh my tear duct seems to produce more tears I can't stop. 

Maybe partly because I would have say the same to myself. I did have troubles to love myself at random points in life. Especially when I encountered people who's very unkind, worse when they have family ties with you. 

Well, DISCLAIMER, I don't support being obese as I am very conscious about the risk that follows, and I am trying ( may not be the best yet ) to tone down this weight for health wise. Someone so dear to me said, " Are you being fair by expecting THAT SOMEDAY, your other half is going to live without you because of you not taking care of your own health huh ? " 

But I couldn't stress enough about you being kind to everyone - because the result of you being unkind can affect a whole-lifetime journey of a person.  

I have read it somewhere about Akhlak/manners. It says that manners are something that you do or or you say instantly without even thinking and I believe that manners can be nurtured. I guess its not too late for us to improve our akhlak. 

Start simple, if you always talk about others, stop making people as your subject in talking , find some good movies or books or activities you can discuss about. If you always give bad connotations to people, or you always pick on the physical attribution of a person, then I suggest to replace them with something good, like beautiful - smart - cute ( I'll suggest more if you need more ) 

No matter what your age are, young or old, above Federal Constitution that confers freedom of speech , it gives no right for you to talk bad about someone.Be it at the back of the person or in front of their face. 

We should, be little bit, kinder. 

here's to the Goat that makes my life fancier this past two days >.< 

 Love, the'ann