make it easy for everyone else.

I just got back from a short retreat with my friends, being in the setting that I am comfortable to be in, with familiar people with absolutely accommodating feelings. 

Very much reminding me of the good old days, be it back in Shah Alam when we're 19/20 and moving on the next chapter of our lives in the UK, 4 hours bus rides from Cardiff to Aberyswtyth feels like coming back to your hometown. 

And later all of us back home, struggling to fit in the new life ( working and studying ) - I always find peace and joy whenever I am with them and to the present, where we're finding balance in life and working.  

I was there when Ainaa got engaged, then got married and now soon a mummy ! 

only god knows how much being around you guys, eased me , and made my heart feeling so content.I am so blessed. 

missing Nasuha. 

For the past almost three months of working, I rarely find myself out from my place. 

Partly because the cash flow was still pending, and time don't really match. It was when I had a three days off from work and making my way to Kuala Lumpur, it reminds me that I haven't had such retreat for quite a long time, I was restless with my job, and my duty as a daughter at home. 

One day I found myself sobbing hard, because all I wanted to do on my off day was 'doing nothing' , I just want to lie on the bed all day, not tied to any house chores or any need to be committing to anyone, or maybe find myself to talk and babble about anything I had in mind with someone who would appreciate such moment. 

Because I always know that my life is always about meeting countless of people that somehow it sucks out the energy from me , that my head is constantly wanting to escape. But I know I couldn't go that far. 

I had everything in plan, but to later find that it conflicted with other people's plans they had in mind. I was devastated, all I want is a day off from everything. Hence why that sobbing hard happen ha-ha. 

I was conflicted between to decide to be just selfish for one day , or to give in in order to make it easy for everyone else. 

Then it was decided that its much better to make it easy for everyone. 

I had to reassured myself for countless of times that it's okay Anis, it's okay. It was a painful feeling when you're the one who had to put yourself at ease. 

But I've learned that, its life. well at the very least, a life that I choose to be in. 

Not that I know, Allah planned it better for me. 

I choose to make it easy for someone else's life, Allah had ease mine more than I ever know. He gave me the opportunity to have someone next to me to hear to my thoughts, He gave me the off day of doing nothing but I know myself that I won't last very long being alone, I would've choose great companies over it. 

For the past few days before I meet my friends, I was constantly sad. Very sad where I tend to questioned my worth as a human, whether do I carry any values as a person. 

Am I worth for someone's time and attention when I thought I make time and give attention to people. 

I am still the greedy person who expects something in return. But it reminds me of the time and attention I didn't spare for people who needs it from me. Well of course , when you see something from your perspective, you would feel that you've given it all, when the truth is you've given so little to be expecting abundance. 

was it worth it to be offering love and care more than I should be giving? 

there are times where I think I should pretend to be someone cooler by caring less, it doesn't feels right. What if tomorrow never comes for me, I will regret the time I pretend not to care , when the only thing I had to offer is care and perhaps overflowing of them. 

overtimes I let people of the hook, that they don't have to explain any further because I've becoming better at providing excuses to let them off. 

That overtimes I took the blame saying that its merely my expectations, and they're not bound . And some of them are just so good at using my words against me. If they care more than they should, they should've know how much it hurts . 

But I guess it was obvious, they don't care as much as I expect they would. 

I wish I can be mean. 

I wish I can be the who walk away. 

I wish I don't invest so much energy on these petty things. 

I've reached a point where I questioned why did I think about all these, I should be thinking about things that are not as petty as this. 

And trust me, I try. 

and it has been forever.
Just imagine, writing the 'off sappy mood' back in 22nd of April - and the battle is ongoing ever since then. 

Even if when I am all occupied with all sorts of tasks, one part of my brain which carry all these sad feelings will continue to evade the other spaces inside the brain, and I was struggling to separate the feelings so it won't affect my performance and quality as a person. 

Never mind, I'll be good at patching this broken wounded heart. Life seems to short to be entertaining grudges and ill feelings isn't it. Lets continue forgiving Anis. 

Do not be so hard on yourself. You're entitled to savour the feelings. Better than being heartless and emotionless. 

we'll be okay right? we will 

Today is the first Ramadhan, and I hope this holy month will make me better as a person, to learn to be grateful with God immense blessing on me. 

The fact that the heart is still able to feel, I am grateful. Its been almost a year , my grandfather left us on the 27th Ramadhan last year. 

Love, the'ann