Ramadhan , the healing begins with the hurt

I guess it was just too shameful to admit that I didn't welcome Ramadhan the way I supposed/ expect myself to welcome it.

Initially I was okay for not welcoming the holy month which that should be worrying, not until I felt I am too swayed away by unnecessary emotions and I started to ponder why. Because it's been ongoing and forever, that something must not be right that these emotions are being written down as an issue I had to face. Its frustrating I tell you. 

Then just like a drama I would say, I started to pay attention on things that happening in my surrounding, just like bypassing from one instagram post / stories to another, I came across Ebit Lew's short video on Prof Muhaya's posts which says about everything that we do, should be for Allah to love us in return.

He starts off by saying, don't be affected by people, don't ask from people, whatever people do or say to detriment you , it shouldn't make you sad as you live for Allah to love you 

and it reminds me of my true purpose living on this earth, which to please the Lord by doing what He encourages us human to do, so long you're walking on that true lane. 

of course it sounded way too vague to be able to maintain such aspirations , as we deal with human on daily basis almost 24 hours 7 days - hence in many ways, we would find ourselves affected by human beings. 

But to the very least, I had to agree that we shouldn't be asking/hoping for anything from humans. 

Why hope from a creature that destructs, with or without intention. 

Then I found myself talking a very dear sister of mine, which happened to be in every chapters and episode of my life witnessing the ugly parts of rebelling and struggling of mine.

That with her I know I will be able to be true, and at the same time, I know she would have wanted good things to happen to me as well. 

first I asked her, what's her aim for this Ramadhan ?

and she said not to miss tarawikh 

then I asked her. 

[ the conversation featured are verbatim ] 

Do you know what it feels like when I don't feel like I'm welcoming Ramadhan at all 

It makes me sad

And worthless

while I am regretting two days that have passed, she then said 

You can be hard on yourself but not for too long

InsyaAllah along this month , you'll find barakah in it 

And something to learn from 

Even though it doesn't start as of today

There's still the rest of Ramadhan for you to embrace it 

she then continued 

Its okay Najwa

Take your time 

and one last thing that made me ponder 

But insyaAllah still do the bare minimum so the heart will always try to get close to Allah 

despite me mourning over my behavior , I know it leads me to nowhere if I don't put any effort to revive the heart back. 

to the dear sister of mine, you know who you are, my short thank you wouldn't be enough isn't it? regardless, thank you. for everything I am very thankful for.

And in fact this has been something I've been constantly battling with.

I've encountered the same heartless situations in the past years, FOR COUNTLESS OF TIMES where my heart loose its ability to feel neither happy or sad, aren't affected by things that supposed to make me sad -with that heartless heart, sometimes THE ONLY thing that I asked in my prayers, repetitively was

to make my heart regain its ability to feel 

I am far from someone who loose hopes from the Al-Mighty hence I'm giving my half / my quarter / my everything I could offer to not make this month or the months after go wasted. 

For the fact that he make me sad while thinking about all these, I'm taking it as a sign that He wanted me to crawl back.

and this morning while I was waiting for my Subuh prayer, I searched for a Podcast by Nouman Ali Khan lecturing about The Ayah of Ramadhan , which the first episode talks about the verse about Ramadhan in Quran , where we always associate it being a fasting month, Quran speaks about it being a month where the scripture are being revealed to the world. 

Hence it will be a good month to be reviving the relationship with the Guidance. 

It can be as basic as learning the letters, or to revising back ways you read it , or to take your time to read and reflect over the verses. 

The short 9 minutes of lecture had significantly giving a breathe of new air when I was flipping through my purple friend ( its the Quran I bought back in Scotland 2014 ) 

8:10 make it easy and don't make it hard 

indeed Suhaib Rumi was right,

that the healing begins with the hurt

I am grateful that it hurts at the very first instance. 

hopefully. 

Love, the'ann