Surviving bully.

If and only if I start writing blog since I was 13 or if and only if internet was easily accessible during the school years  , I guess the early pages of the blog would be full of hatred and negativity. 

( thank you Allah sebab make those things less accessible back then )

I guess , its not I guess , I was once bullied during my school years. I looked up for the definition of bully , which means  superior strength or influence to intimidate someone. Well that reflects most of my horror junior year , I was intimidated , perhaps because of my size , I guess that fits to every answer I've been looking for , for years. Despite the confidence on the stage , rebutting someone's idea in the verbal war arena , I was once , in my memories , in my history , a girl yang orang favourite kot nak dibuli. leuls 

I guess , I've survived. nay.

Just because someone seems imperfect in your definition , it doesn't mean that you have rights to put someone else in such a difficult situation yang sampai tahap that person kinda question whats so wrong of being her / himself ? Not that I remember aku pernah cari pasal dengan orang ke apa , but then kadang tu when someone announce your name then you walk on the stage , people start to make voices and aku taktahu point bila sebenarnya I started to like ignore everything and numb-kan perasaan ke 'haruk' tu. It was a painful feeling back then , days I found myself crying sebab very least people faham that feeling dan kadang aku rasa tak sempat pun nak swayed away in that pain emotion , aku tend to like jot it down in papers , duduk dekat tangga diam diam then try to cool off . I used to questioned , mana salah aku sebenarnya , what harm did I do . Sampai tahap I used to call my mom like almost every night cakap nak keluar sekolah then my mom strictly said , sekali lagi cakap nak keluar sekolah , then she'll really make me keluar sekolah then I stop telling her the pain being mocked . I guess thats the point of starting to grow up , because I used to assimilate the pain in my life , telling myself that I was okay when I am not , pergi duduk dalam bushes at the field duduk dekat dengan bengkel sekolah , I was rather complicated jugak kot dulu. 

Perhaps you never know how it feels like untuk be in the shoes of people yang dibahan. Because to you ' Hey its fun , takyah serious sangat , main main je ' , how irony your main main affects someone negatively. Kadang tu kau memang takde niat pun nak hurt someone's feeling but then kau tengok kawan kau buat , so to you its kinda okay , and how irony your okay is not okay untuk orang yang kau buli tu? 

Just because you're perceived as perfect dekat mata common people ( either physically ke academically ke or any social stages sekalipun ) , it was never right to make someone as your 'bahan' uji kaji , like how I never agreed to sampah remaja yang letak gambar gambar orang then disregard those people , sebab , betul at that point , she or he might be wrong , tapi who knows one day dia akan jadi jauh beribu kali baik dari kau . I guess cyber bully could be way too painful for someone to handle. 

Paling paling bila kau tak suka someone tu , least is to tegur dia privately ke , saying its wrong in what sense ke , or why her or his act seems insensible ke , not to like gather a bully group then pergi intimidate someone's life publicly. Sebab kadang kau tak pernah tahu that person punya 'apologizing' level dia ,tinggi ke rendah , kita mungkin takkan pernah tahu our 'main main' could be serious in someone's life sampai tinggalkan kesan like mendalam dalam hidup dia , or mungkin had affect someone dari dia cheerful to a very reserved person disebabkan perbuatan yang kita kira ' nak main main je serious apahal ' , then suddenly years passed by , then kau dah tak possible pun nak jumpa that person , in person to mintak maaf semua , do you exactly feel the pressure of being indebt with someone? 

Dulu , I once wrote about this and I kept it in my draft sebab takut ada mata yang baca terasa , ada hati yang merasa  , terkesan ,  because they're the part of the group.* in case you're one of them , before anything , aku dah maafkan . Tapi after years aku rasa this might be a reflecting point yang tersirat banyak pengalaman and pengajaran. Sebab aku bukan aku yang sekarang , like senang senang je tetiba dah ada dekat sini , like senang senang je to gather confidence , no , I strive to be who I am today , even hari ni aku strive to be insyaAllah a better me for tomorrow. Aku nak orang tahu yang undermining someone is never okay , make fun of people is never never okay , even to the point kau sekadar nak main main , nak main , pergi cari bahan lain nak buat main , bukan perasaan orang. Bukan !

and for those who survived ( yang self confidence naik / turun ) ( or dah habis dah zaman dibuli ) ( or people yang still struggling ) , tabahlah. Sebab kau takkan pernah tahu tahap mana capability kau nak withstand pressure dari manusia sampailah kau diuji dengan pressure manusia tu. Bila tak ada orang yang faham , bila ada banyak persoalan dalam kepala kau kenapa kau bukan orang lain , I've been there , I've been through that phase , dan aku faham. And I hope because kita pernah lalu that phase , that would not be a reason for us untuk buli orang lain , sebab we understand how bad it felt like. Be strong kiddos !

post feeling reflection : ( omooo lama gila dah tak nangis tulis post ) ( lama dah tak nangis pun ye jugak ) ( tadi teringat Acik Dayat , Al- Fatihah , 17 February ni masuk 3 tahun dah )