Part of the old me

June 04, 2016

One of my housemate said earlier , kalau tanya satu perkataan yang Najwa selalu pakai , it will be MABUK. 

it might be the most frequent word I said , everytime aku rasa macam light headed specifically kalau dah baca banyak gila benda tapi dah takleh masuk and rasa nak kacau orang lain ' I'll go - kita mabukkkk ' or most of the train rides will make me mabuk kenderaan and sometimes I may like make random confessions , most of the time a ridiculuos kind of confessions hahaha and everyone will go ' Najwa dah mabukkk ni hahhaah ' . I found its a cute word to replace curses. haha. Its not like using mabuk is okay but it makes me feels better. 

I in the past , used to be someone who curse a lot. Its not like nak stand out being a hipster ke . tapi its just the surrounding that allows me to do so , making me feels totally okay using curse words. You name it all , the b's the s's ( curse word that starts with the letters ) . But somehow I just can't do it anymore , even uttering a word makes me feel guilty , dia more like awkward sebenarnya and totally not okay nak pakai baik an english neither malay curse word. And sometimes I do feel bad about my past , someone in the past did once tegur direct yang dia tak suka aku mencarut ,but that was like way in 2007 tapi masa tu I was like being egoistic kot so aku takdelah rasa nak comply with that , tapi sampai sekarang aku masih terkesan dengan benda tu sebab aku rasa the person is indeed a real good friend sebab directly tegur yang cursing is never okay. 

People may said that ' Dia cakap je macam tu tapi hati dia baik ' but later I learned that what's inside the heart is and may be reflected through his or her words. It took quite some times for me to actually assimilate it inside my life. Bukan sebab kau ada hati yang baik , tapi sebab KAU NAK hati yang baik . So in order to train your heart to be more composed , I must watch my word choices as well. 

Tapi , 

aku tak pernah regret lalu that kind of past. It feels bad but with no regret. Sebab aku dapat peluang untuk rasa that kind of struggle to change yourself , pernah rasa selesa dengan benda yang tak sejahtera dengan hati , tapi eventually as time passes by , kau tetiba rasa macam okay la pulak pakai perkataan yang tak baik ni , and pernah rasa struggle untuk tinggalkan benda yang kau dah rasa very comfortable with. 

Pada masa yang sama aku dapat rasa untuk bagi orang lain ruang dan peluang yang sama , that they may change to a better person , and faham struggle orang at different level . Because I've been there. 

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