The painful past I'm reflecting.

Its been quite some time I wrote reflective posts. Which merely everything is circling inside my head. And by the time I want to wrote it down , kinda battling with what people would feel / think / perceive and react by reading through the writing.

It caught my eyes years ago when there's an issue regarding the usage of ' keling ' to address some people written in a book about the past and it sparks anger on the basis that it sparks racial hatred. And many people ask to change the phrase to a 'better' phrase that can avoid racial hatred. But there's someone who came up with a statement ( I am not sure who ; I kinda know but I choose not to seek about it again haha ) said , " Kalau semua benda dalam sejarah nak ditukar ikut peredaran zaman or to suit people's preferences , sejarah akan tinggal sejarah - or there will be no history at all since its changed " .  Well the wording tak exact but that's what I get from the point of view . 

Which how it relate to my life actually? 

I know my life's history , at some points hurts some people as it hurts me as well , include all the grudges and all , I might say that I forgive but never once I forgot. If I keep my living satisfying people's preferences , giving only what they want to know and what they want to hear , I'll definitely in some points going to please them with words such as " Eh takde apa pun lah "  " Benda dah lepas " when you yourself know , its not okay , the past is not living as past , it matters. 

Which if the history never exist , like the quarrels and fights - I might not know how to be a better person for someone , I might not know how to mend my attitudes , I might as well not know how to distinguish a good friend or a bad friend or even how to act like a good one. Samalah macam kes penggunaan perkataan keling tu , it happened and you can't change the fact just because of the sake that you want to please certain group people , if in the old days it does spark hatred among the races , then people in this era should have learn that , this is wrong so I shall never repeat this. 

Shits in life happened and you can't never change them ; you learn from them. 

...

I was in the bed with my housemate yesterday , which I rarely be that ' clingy ' but I don't know where it starts but I am telling her about how the past years had been treating me - from high school to colleges . 

Like how pretentious I could be when I'm dealing with people who never takes me seriously - like how the fate was arranged that I realize things which the truth is lying just in front of my eyes and I guess I am just too young too dumb to realize - like how people could see flying off overseas ( the route as a whole ) nampak macam senang dan menggembirakan tup tup dah fly and boleh hembus nafas nampak asap - like how our life being judged by pieces of pictures ( smiling faces lepas ielts , relief post lepas hadap final alevels ) , 

they would probably never know how thorny the route was. 

I remember those days I frequently left my P&P session for debate competitions since 2008 , my prefect thingy , well debate rasa lagi macam you're all alone since debater punya community tak berapa nak besar , and from the batch ada 3 orang je ( 2 English and 1 Malay ) , so memang muka kau je yang selalu keluar kelas and basically I am creating the memories alone ( excluding colleagues )  with my fellow debaters . Like how I was mocked for leaving the classes saat nak SPM , like which matters most? Debate ke SPM? when I know its SPM but still melangkah keluar kelas. I guess I deserve my seven A's back then for not trying hard + all the scattered attentions for unnecessary stuff. 

And still Allah pilih untuk lalu route ke luar negara , when I am all redha sambung mana mana pun okay. With my seven A's yang orang pandang takde mata , Allah still showered me with blessings , even thorny mana alevels could be for me , like how I doubt myself boleh tak buat ni boleh tak buat ni , though the feelings nak give up tu kadang tinggi , I reminded myself , this is a blessing from Him , spur your efforts and make your own life blessed , well at least nanti kau tak question diri sendiri for not trying hard for something , like how I said in my past posts , I'm living my alevels life hard way. Like hard way ( in terms of studying and even dealing with emotions breakdown , terrible emotion breakdown )

I remember those days my diaries in school were full of hatred comments and long essays of portraying pains. 

How evil your seniors could be when they mocked what I am doing in front on the stage , with all the emotion tortured ; my junior years quashed by the fact that I am living my life being abused with verbal  'so called' jokes and I remembered how I really want them to seek for an apology for what they've done . 

But I know even if they ask for one after this , I'll end up saying " Takpelah , benda dah lepas " but deeply you know , it happened and you can't change it. and , it matters. 

Because of that I grow stronger , verbal jokes can never take me down. And the most important reflection is  never once I shall act shit like one , making fun of someone else just because you feel its some sort of 'so called ' jokes to you. Because its  never okay to do so no matter at what age you're living . 

Like how I was left in discussion just because people THINK AND ASSUME that you don't want to get involved instead of ASKING WHETHER I WANT TO BE INCLUDED. lols my fault for not approaching but since you're in the minority site , you choose not to approach.

How it feels like being in a group and you're left alone just because people think that you want to be alone?

It hurts. 

Even if I say it to someone's face today how awful it was those days I am treated that way , would they be able to turn back the time and change it? 

No.

And because of that I reminded myself , Friend end with END. At the age of 15 I realize that you're going to face this life ALONE later , some  points in life , people don't really give a damn on what you feel and what you prefer , they just don't and to be overly attached to a living creature was one of the biggest mistake a human could do , at least its a perspective from my side.

Because I know how it feels like when you're expecting things and its not like what you expect it to be , like how sacred a promises between best friends to stay in pain and smiles , at some points , they're empty words a human could give. 

But there's always one thing I know , in every reflection.

LESSONS. 

Take someone seriously ; because in life , its the matter of giving and receiving. Their feelings , their preferences , life is not about changing the differences , its about assimilating the differences. Like how you want your life to be taken seriously , thats how you should act in the matter of taking someone's life seriously. 

No matter how painful my past could be , like how it might torture me in my dreams , like how random tears flowing down my cheek - the past and the pains were meant to be a blessing to me , which I learnt a lot from them. Not every point in the past is pain , my friends and the people surround me was a great support especially my family , my backbone and I believe thorny routes taught me a lot , even from a group of evil seniors. And I am thankful for these wonderful fate written. 

You know how many times in life when I found myself hitting the bottom of everything , 

My mum , my dad , my grandparents my aunt , my uncle , my siblings would go

" Anis kuat , ibu tahu anis kuat "

" Anis boleh buat , acik tahu anis boleh buat "

" Nenek selalu doakan anis "

personally dia tahu dia tak kuat , dan takpernah tahu mana datang semua kekuatan . For who am I in the past , in the present , and in the future , moga terus didoakan kekuatan menempuh kehidupan. 

Because all these short words , it seems to be such a crime to allow myself to fail and give up on things. Because I've grow stronger with all these words and prayers. Anywhere I , would've been accompanied and followed by the strength delivered through prayers of these people.

Sebab kalau tak pernah jumpa manusia pelbagai ragam , 

Bila nak kenal hidup dan asam garam.