It could be harmful...

January 04, 2017

Alhamdulillah I've sent my EU assignment , I was planning to submit it tomorrow , but the more I delay the more anxious I can be ( I may reread it for thousand of times and still in doubt * changing more and more * ) 

So to avoid further complications ( with myself basically ) I've sent it alhamdulillah :) 

Well the reason why I'm writing today is because a very dear friend of mine asked me about an event that happened years ago , I guess it was 3 years ago ( I bet ) recalling when it exactly happened is a real struggle , but indirectly its a good sign though - the fact that I don't really take it seriously , and it slipped by , the fact that I'm treating the particular person involved , now ,  with no prejudice , it means I ( don't exactly forget ) but it doesn't really affect me now , so yeah. 

She asked me what exactly I felt , and just how I can forgive that person for an awful thing that person did  . I just did. In fact that person taught me something , a life lesson , if I look beyond the anger alone. 

And aside from that , I've been thinking about one issue , it had been resolved in the past but it came across my mind today. I always have this (used to be) harmful thoughts in my mind ( not anymore for now alhamdulillah) that  I'm never anyone's preferences neither anyone's first choice  to tell / share / their stories and secret. 😞

It was pretty disturbing when I first had such thought in my mind , because it came with the thoughts that ' Am I not doing good enough ' ( trust me the thoughts that came along were way more harmful than this , this is just for the documentation purposes ) 

It became cancerous when I recalled that I've been telling my stories to people , sometimes putting them first in line of choices , because all these while I've become so dependent . To put a limit to the hazardous feeling , I choose to stop telling people things I used to share with them in the past. And it was never easy, I was in denial for many months , it aches my heart the more I think of it , it aches more when I had to refrain myself from doing something I'm used to do . 

It took me many many many times , countless I may say to finally accept that ' It's okay to be no one's preferences , because at the very first place , its their preferences that we need to respect ' 

And surely things do fall into places , when I realized that being people's preference could be burdensome for me , Allah do fares better fate for me I know , nevertheless I'm making myself ready for anyone to ask anything , or to refer anything . Be other's preferences ( without me realizing it ) when you least expect it. 

This is perhaps one of the reason my curiosity level towards human lessen over the past years. 

Easy equation : 

Because the more I wanted to know , the more painful it can be for me. 
The more I'm hoping, the higher the hopes get and later when they decided not to proceed with their initial plan to tell that something , my hopes crashed and it do shattered my feelings.

I'm that vulnerable , its just sometimes that I'm already used to being crashed ( due to my lack of due diligence ) , I hardly showed them on the outside. But I know , we girls are certainly a pro when it comes to being a poker face. We know it all #girlspower #tottalyspice gitewww .

And when you gets older , you tend to realize that its always YOU , the main reason behind all the pains YOU've been experiencing. Its never HER , or HIM , or anyone. Its just YOU. 

Back to why I'm writing this down , I forgave the person long time ago. 

My mom comforted me by taking the person's side ( she turned the person into a blessing , in fact she turned many bad doers in my life as blessings and tell me , just how I am going to hold grudge to that person )  , she said to take into account of what that person said. It could be the honest comment you can never get from anyone ( Oh I missed her :( I missed my parents , homesick still , approaching 23 soon haaaaa ) 

with them , if you can't see me , its there inside the mirror , during our visit to Buckingham Palace shop hihi 

And I silently agreed upon what she said ( it takes time , it doesn't happen overnight ) , I have so many things ahead me , and if I hold grudges , it harms me more than it will to others. Perhaps the person hardly realizes that what he/she had done were harming others and they let it slip from their mind ( well we can tell that happens when they forgot to ask for forgiveness ) 

But lets just make the world a simpler place to deal with , all the dealings you're currently facing in this world will be taken to the judgement day , and it will be pretty hard for yourself if somebody in mahsyar come looking for you to ask for forgiveness ( it can go vice verse as you can see , it might be hard for you too to look for others for an apology ) , so the point is , learn to forgive people. 

Be that person who makes things simpler. Than it looks. 

Yes , it looks easy to say , even to spell it out seems easy , but I know its really hard to be done in real life. 

[ emo seorang penonton haha session ] 

Just like how I got angered by ( merely acting ) Ashraf Muslim in Biar Aku Jadi Penunggu , when people asked the wife 

Reasons to not forgive the husband :
  • whose being abandoned over 4 years no calls no emails ( since I lived in the UK , I know that ITS NOT THAT COSTLY TO CALL YOUR FAMILY USING THE LAND LINE - now that there's whatssap telegram you name it haha 
  • cheated ( because Ashraf Muslim , I forgot his name in that story haha - married his girlfriend overseas and having a boy over that , divorced later but that's not the point here , the point that he cheated ) ( he even asked the faithful wife to look after that child ) ( don't you understand that the more she looked at that child it pierced her heart ? Don't youuuu ?! 

TO FORGIVE AND ACCEPT THE HUSBAND AFTER WHAT HE DID , I hate it when the families asked her to do so. 

Eyyyy that easy huh? Don't you see I'm ( the wife Janna Nick ) is hurting here ? Eh hello? 

sis emo abaikan hahaha. I know the families did nothing wrong , even the boy , but I can't help it haha 

see drawing the line between forgiving and reflecting it through your action is not that easy man. But surely it is something you can try. Later all the poker faces vanishes through time , you realized that its too tiring to continue being hateful and yeah it hurts even more when its only you who really take things ( the feelings as well ) into account. Like only you care. haha. 

I'm currently dealing with some unforgiven deeds by people whom I can say closely related to me , but I know that eventually I should learn to forgive , I need to forgive  and to never do such things they have done. Because it might be harder to find yourself in a position where you can't forgive yourself ( harmed kuasa 7 ) 

Night :) 

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