I must say that the internet kinda like getting better - way better than before . At least now I am not waiting for eleven years six days to pass that I'm finally able to see this page popping up.
|Had to put this here. Because I just love it ha-ha narcissist|
These few days I have started running both in physical and virtual life.
I would spent almost half an hour a day to basically walk and run on the treadmill and initially it was because I miss Cardiff a lot. Its not that I run in Cardiff that frequent , plus I am just not that fast in pace, I did run and walk for couple of times at the Maindy centre. But I walked a lot in Cardiff, I enjoyed my time walking to the city and the walk seems so frequent towards the end , like the day after a day I found myself walking (again) to the city for various reasons.
Hence each time I started running, blankly starring the window since its faced that way, I put on my headphone which I rarely used back in the UK , you can tell it from where I put the headphone , kept nicely in the bottom drawer ha ha.
I will start imagining Cardiff, with all the songs I used to play en route to wherever I am walking.
And I guess my mom was happy seeing me on the treadmill , on the first walk she kinda asked/told my brother about it and my brother sent me lists of this dieting stuff, but honestly, I dislike it.
I started walking because I feel like doing so, and strangely I dislike the supports and encouragement. Its good but I kinda attached those feelings with what I felt back in highschool. 100M and 400M seems torturing enough with all the people by your side either cheering or booing or whatever they did waiting ages for me to complete the run.
So I kinda appreciate supports and encouragement in prayers. Like just stay in silence, I prefer it to be that way.
And running in the real life seems to be way easier than running from the virtual life.
I had a fling with someone, I don't want to even call it a love because it was clearly not that. But I guess as usual , I am stuck in that moving on phase, like I keep checking on someone who clearly disrespected me in many sense, but I guess I was lingered by the feeling of *finally* being wanted by somebody.
And what makes it harder is that I cling a lot on people , and he came at the time when I was standing firmly and independently from having to share my thoughts , my days with human.
That's where I started to consciously loosing control over myself.
I *temporarily* found a place where I look forward for replies over simple messages like Good Morning, How Are You and etc. And now the phase kinda not stay long just as what I expected and indirectly hoped for , and now come the toughest part, which to build back the wall and detach completely.
I am among those over-thinkers and I am comfortable enough to take all the blame for not able to get my head straight. One day I thought , that's it lets put a stop to this , then to find a simple morning wish popping up on the screen, and ( not again please )
And as I was eating the fried chicken from the night market yesterday, I guess it should be one of the greatest reason for me to completely withdraw myself from this miseries, like how even?
Because if I were to end up with this person, I might find myself leaving Malaysia again, and I will miss the night market vibes plus there's high tendency that I'll be eating salads and all those healthy things for the rest of my life.
Sounds good to some ey? Not me.
Ha ha ha I guess there is a need for myself personally to write this thing down here, this might be the vague idea of how these non important things are filling every parts of my brains, which I dislike it.
I haven't really talk about this feelings-heart-related stuff for quite sometime. And I actually love it to be that way, stays that way.
I dislike putting my values on someone so uncertain, I definitely know that I'll be successful on my own, I can be happy on my own , and everything is just possible to be achieved, aside from biological context of having offspring, that's just another part of the story.
I am taking control over myself, and found myself to be in this journey because I choose to please Him more than pleasing him. And for all the courages and steps I took away from this person, I always hope that it will be repaid with somebody that worth the while.
And lets just say its not here in this world, may He instil patience in me, happiness in me along the journey. I have so many things ahead me to be accomplished , and I need to trust Him for the instincts He gave me.
I am teaching myself over and over again that the courages and steps I took were clearly a sign of love. He loved me and He cared so much, that He refrains me from doing things I wasn't supposed to do.
And for that, be grateful and be happy Anis Najwa.
This time of the year going to get rough, but keep running.