off track

June 07, 2017

Baru perasan yang banyak sangat email dalam column FORUM tak bukak lagi and mainly the updates there concerns about tarbiyah and the organization as a whole. And baru je bukak satu mail pasal Back For Good databases. Tetiba rasa sangat amused dengan tersusunnya tarbiyah tu, bukan sekadar  a touch and go. 

And malu dengan diri sendiri yang tak berapa merancang dan menyusun ni. Walaupun masih pegang jawatan dalam kawasan tapi memang dah tak buat pun kerja kerja concerning dakwah and tarbiyah after spring break sebab tengah nak berlaku adil pada hak hak sebagai seorang pelajar , the original reason why you're here again. 

Masa nak minta off the track for a while tu, memang rasa celaru sangat sebab volunteered myself for summer programme. Which I need to bukan sebab paksaan orang tapi sebab I need to make a step to see myself in this journey. Need to embrace the fact that people won't chase you forever, you need to pull yourself together. 

As in my first year, I was clueless and don't feel the force of getting involved in DnT wise in Malaysia. Second year, I was occupied with different volunteering program and also intern-ship. Barely had time for myself and the family too. 

And I was really stressed out (stress sounds stressing haha ) I see everyone in the medium ( whatssap , email ) semuaaaa macam semangat gila and all out ( idea , masa you name it ) including the online meetings lagi 

Despite the positive energy, its killing me ( slowly ) on the inside  because I am incapable of giving that kind of commitment at that time with 3 papers 100% and  a paper 75% and start in doubt with my own decision.

I mean its like you're on a track for a 100 metre race , everyone spurt and yet you at the back with so many people cheering for you but all you wish is for them to stop cheering because those cheers makes you feel so pathethic and you kinda question yourself like why I am here again. 

Perhaps one of the biggest anxious contributor - it was my final year ( final paper, final all, finally ) 

But again, in IKRAM UKE I worked with professionals and plenty of PhD students whom their workloads are like triple mine, or more yet they managed to keep everything organized. Perhaps I just need to admit my stress management section in my brain ain't working so well. #ciresariver #becauseIthoughtIamokaywithmystressmanagement #callingforhelps 

Still, I swear that was one of the toughest time to deal with dakwah and tarbiyah work. For different factors, my region is big but consist of just us, a group of less than ten, and everyone generally agree on each' other's decision and its sometimes so easy to work in a very small group. But when meeting different people from different region, the work pattern changes. 

I consulted my kakak usrah and she said I should give priority to things that need my attention at that time, I rarely do so ( I mean consulting anyone aside from my mum ) , but I know this time around, I need to. And I express my concern and got my time off. A month / more. 

Now here's the next problem ( problem sounds burdensome heh ) ,  now I am trying to pull myself together, and searching for ways to get involved back in the track. I found it hard as perhaps some jargons used are so new to me ( mungkin sebab tak pernah attend daurah summer :( and my bad ) , and to suddenly get involved in the discussion - I felt so helpless #helpme . Felt like a loser for not being able to keep my words. #helpmeagain 

But this morning a junior of mine texted me and asked whether I can be the camp commandant - I've asked my mom's permission. 

Green light, now its left to me to decide. Allah indeed knows hamba dia sorang ni la ni celaru aih how to get back into the track ( sebab I am [pretty] clueless where to start or how)

Maybe this is one of the ready made solution Allah offered you?  
Yes, it may be. Take it or loose it. You choose. 

Barry Island - October 2016

Love, the'ann

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