scaling social skills.

I've been writing a lot like a lot these days but I think it should be fine tho documenting my thoughts and life generally. 

Though there is not much things happening in my life now but I always have tons of things running inside my head - how I wish my body is running too hahahhahaha , and I do hope there will be lots of things running and connecting my brain cells so they're functioning well before I start with my CLP bless me ya Allah. 

hey hey its June already and I'm already in my 23rd for about what, a week or two now ha ha 

and suddenly it crossed my mind that if I were about to scale my social skills, its probably negative and worse when it comes to the opposite gender. 

In my prayers , I [started] to include about (long time ago but this time around its more specific) jodoh wise , and since ibu asked [more than once] about boyfriend or whatever we call them as, and she asked it when I was revising for my final year so I replied ' Ibu nak belajar pun akak takde masa hence ...* fill in the blank space* ...' 

But the reality is that I guess I never know how to approach people , or to establish a continuous dialogue - I keen towards 'what can I help you?' when someone is deliberating and not going straight to the point as if I was impliedly saying 'er hello tell me the points and don't waste my time' when I merely don't know how to. 

Poor me haha. 

My social skills are selective according to people and occasion. I am okay with presentations or debating but when it comes to socializing, I am a plain capathi without the mutton curry. Awwwh it sounds good. 

The thing is not about 'jodoh' alone. I even lost my words when it comes to high school [used to be] good friends. We were close in the past, in my memories at least and now not any more. But I always perceive it as a good sign of practising ikhtilat but idk this funny feeling. Its like Allah secured the path for you but you kinda miss the old you which you know its up to no good. 

I miss these cute kids can't wait to meet them again in July :) 

I asked Allah to give me the best person at the best time among those who seeks for Him. 

And I know it won't go far enough by just putting everything, from hopes to desires to just Him and do nothing. 

But seriously I don't know how to. I envied people who can talk freely with people, I still had those anxieties that keeps me at the corner, enough by just watching the crowd and walks away when no one noticed , even when people does I still walk away. 

The walls I built was way too high and I don't seems to be bothered, but now it seems wrong in some ways I don't know. I specifically choose to hear and see what I wanted to hear, like a safe zone but by not doing so, it puts me in a fragile position and it could be harmful to me personally, just like what happened last two years. 

I envied people who found their soul mate, planning to the next step, when I can't really see where I am going in terms of relationship in the next 3 years for now. I always joke around with my sister but we always got stuck in a very serious end that if we happened to be single forever, lets travel and take a good care of our parents. 

To the very least, we're doing our best in our capacities as daughters. And the nearest plan now is to stay in cave ( virtually ), washed plates during my brother's wedding soon ( pray for him and my future kakak ipar insyaAllah ameen ) so we will avoid the typical questions for anak dara lol lol -whatalife. 

Writing this actually makes me sad - 

But lets have faith that He will definitely give me a partner, if not now then later, if I can't earn the 'jannah ticket' as a wife, then I shall earn one by giving my best to my parents , because it's still possible to do so. Or a good sister to my brothers. 

Make prayers for me :) jazakumullah hu khayran katheera ( massive of thanks ). 

its a long way to go pun, biiznillah ( by Allah's permission ) , fret not Najwa. He who control all the affairs always know and put the best person at the best time. 

Love, the'ann